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DOMESTIC  EXPLOSIVES 


AND   OTHER 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


(FROM  THE  NEW  YORK  TIMES,) 


BY 


W.  L.  ALDEN 


NEW  YORK: 

R.   WORTHINGTON,  750  Broadway. 

1878. 


■/ 


Tkow's 

"PlIfKTING   AND    BOOKBINDING    Co.. 


PREFACE 


The  articles  collected  in  this  volume  originally  appeared 
in  the  New  York  Times.  A  few  slight  changes  have  been 
made  in  them.  Such  expressions  as  "yesterday,"  "  at  a 
late  hour  last  night,"  and  "  early  this  morning  "  are  of  course 
the  very  life  of  Journalism,  but  are  perhaps  too  gaudy  and 
brilliant  to  be  used  in  a  modest  and  earnest  volume.  It  is 
proper  to  mention  that  this  collection  has  been  made  at  the 
request  of  a  wide  circle  of  subtle  and  malignant  enemies. 

New  York,  June  i,  1S77. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE. 

Domestic  Explosives .... 7 

Refuting  Moses 10 

A  Profitable  Fork 13 

Vulcan 16 

Underground  Classics ig 

A  Converted  Philosopher 22 

Forged  Fossils 25 

The  Theoretical  Barber  28 

A  Curious  Disease 31 

Mrs.  Arnold's  Rig 34 

A  New  Point  for  Darwinians 36 

The  Early  American  Giant 39 

A  Sad  Case 41 

An  Inconsiderate  Gift 44 

Pockets . .  . : 47 

The  Kentucky  Meteors 50 

Glass  Eyes 52 

Mr.  Long ^^ 

The  Road  to  the  Pole 58 

Fish  out  of  Place 61 

The  Decay  of  Burglary    64 

The  Kidnapped  Klamath 66 

The  Coming  Man    69 

Spiritual  Candy 72 

Two  Recent  Inventions y^ 

Raining  Cats yS 

Tennessee   Pigmies 81 

A  New  Company 83 

The  Achromatic  Small-boy 86 

Sioux  Servants 89 

Male  Girls  '.  91 

A  Growing  Vice 94 

Ghost  Catching 97 


4  CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

Superfluous  Snakes loo 

A  New  Society 103 

A  Mystery  Solved 106 

The  Hat  Problem 109  x^ 

The  Uses  of  Dynamite 112 

A  Model  City    '. 114 

A  Benevolent  Ghost 118       / 

Dr.  Schliemann 120  V 

The  Circulation  of  Needles 123 

The  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne = . . .  126      ^ 

A  Remonstrance 129  ^ 

The  Smoking  Infant 132 

A  National  Want 135 

The   Happy  Yachtsman 137 

The  Boy  of  Oshkosh 139 

Too  Much  Prudence 141 

The  Coming  Girl 144 

An  Unnecessary  Invention 146 

A  Beneficent  Invention 149 

Smiting  the  Pleathen 151 

Thanksgiving  Pie 1 54 

Star-traps 1 56 

Solved  at  Last 1 59 

Boyton's  Mistakes 161 

Ghostly  Malignity 164 

Found  at  Last  .  . .  , \ 167 

S3-stematic  Villany 1 70 

The  Greek  Christmas 1 73 

Bottled  Books 1 75 

A  Steam  Horse 1 77     , 

A  New  Weapon 1 79  *^ 

The  Thomsonian  Theory 182 

A  Western  Tragedy ■ 185 

A  New  Branch  of  Study 187 

Going  to  the  Ant 190 

Postal  Cats 192 

Psammetichus  and  Taine 195 

Food  and  Poison 197 

Surgical  Engineering •  200 

The  Boston" Archaeologists 203 

The  Missing  Link 206 

A  Warning  to  Brides 208 

The    Spirophore 210 

Solar  Insecurity 213  \/ 

Ice-Water '. •  219 


CONTENTS. 


I'Ac;e. 

Spiritual  Sport •    221 

The  Conflict  of  Rods 224 

Ivorine 226 

Still  Another  Shower 229 

The  Subtle  Tack-Hammer 2321^' 

Fossil  Forgeries 234 

Taming  the  Lamp-Chimney 237 

The  Color  Cure .  . '. 240 

The  "  Emancipated  Costume  " 243 

A  New  Attraction  for  Sunday-Schools 246 

Arms  and  the  Chair 249 

Was  it  a  Coincidence  ? 252 

The  Spread  of  Respectability , 255 

Social    Bandits 258 

Going  to  the  Dogs 261 

"  Enoch    Arden  " 263  /- 

Riflewomen 266 

Butter-Culture 269 

The  Mosquito  Hypothesis . 272 

Justice  to  Stoves 275 

Inexpensive  Girls • 278 

Women  in  the  Pulpit 280 

James  Henry 2S4 

Mounted  Missionaries 286 

The  Buzz-Saw 289 

The  Two  Browns 292 

The  Rival  "  Motors  "... ,  . .   291 

The  Wheelbarrow  in  Politics 297 

Royal  Quarrels 300 

The  Express  Evil   303 

Porcine  Prodigies 305 

Crushed  Truth 308 

Dye  and  Diet 311 

A  Benevolent    Scheme 314 

A  New  Plea 317 

Another  Distressing  Case 320 

The  Recent  Calamity 323 

Quackery  and  Science 326 

The  Boy  of  Dundee 3^9 

The  Mule  Abroad 332 


SIXTH   COLUMN   FANCIES. 


DOMESTIC  EXPLOSIVES. 

For  weeks  before  the  Fourth  of  July  the  approach  of 
the  National  Anniversary  is  heralded  by  the  blowing  up  of 
manufactories  of  fireworks,  and  the  diffusion  of  small  par- 
ticles of  exploded  workmen  over  miles  of  startled  country. 
The  coroner  wears  a  happy  and  confident  expression  of 
face,  and  hopefully  lingers  in  the  neighborhood  of  shops 
where  fireworks  are  sold.  Now  that  fulminate  of  silver,  nitro- 
glycerine, and  other  violent  explosives  have  been  converted 
into  playthings  for  juvenile  patriots,  the  blowing  up  of  a 
single  small-boy  may  furnish  business  for  a  dozen  coroners, 
each  of  whom  may  reasonably  hope  to  pick  up  a  finger,  an 
ear,  a  jack-knife,  or  other  organ  of  the  victim,  upon  which  an 
entire  inquest  can  lawfully  be  held.  Not  long  ago  a  manu- 
factory of  nitro-glycerine  torpedoes  exploded  in  New  York 
and  scattered  finely  comminuted  workmen  all  over  the 
neighborhood.  To-day  there  are  scores  of  shops  in  our 
crowded  streets  where  tons  of  fireworks  are  so  recklessly 
exposed  that  the  spark  of  a  cigar  may  suddenly  fill  the  air 
with  vagrant  rockets  rushing  with  murderous  intent  upon 
unsuspecting  pedestrians,  and  with  flaming  Catherine 
wheels  revolving  among  the  legs  of  passing  horses,  or  dash- 
ing against  the  skirts  of  terrified  women.  In  the  midst  of  life 
we  are  also  in  the  midst  of  fireworks,  and  no  man  knows  at 
what  moment  his  ears  may  be  deafened  by  an  explosion 
and  his  hat  flattened  over  his  eyes  by  the  parabolic  descent 
of  some  total  though  mangled  stranger. 

7 


8  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

There  is  something  to  be  said  in  defence  of  ornamental 
fireworks  as  a  means  of  celebrating  the  Fourth  of  July. 
Tliey  are  frequently  beautiful  in  themselves,  and  the  extent 
to  which  they  set  buildings  on  fire  endears  them  to  me- 
chanics in  search  of  employment.  Mere  explosives,  how- 
ever, are  utterly  indefensible  except  from  the  coroner's  point 
of  view.  Fire-crackers,  torpedoes,  and  toy  pistols  are  the 
instruments  with  which  the  small-boy's  love  for  noise  makes 
deafened  millions  mourn.  That  the  small-boy  frequently 
puts  out  his  eyes,  or  ruins  a  dozen  insurance  companies  by 
burning  up  a  whole  city,  cannot  be  pleaded  as  a  sufficient 
compensation  for  the  torture  which  he  inflicts  during  the 
twenty-four  hours  of  Independence  Day.  If  there  has  been 
any  decay  of  patriotism  among  Americans  of  late  years,  the 
cause  is  to  be  sought  in  fire-crackers.  No  man,  outside  of  a 
deaf  and  dumb  asylum,  who  is  awakened  at  midnight  on  the 
3d  of  July  with  a  hideous  din  that  he  knows  will  grow  worse 
and  worse  for  the  next  twent}'-four  hours,  can  help  feeling 
that  the  Declaration  of  Independence  was  a  terrible  mis- 
take, and  that  slavery  and  quiet  are  infinitely  preferable  to 
freedom  and  fire-crackers.  This  feeling  is,  of  course,  of 
only  temporary  duration  ;  but  its  annual  indulgence  cannot 
butxlull  the  patriotic  instincts  of  the  noblest  men. 

Why  does  the  small-boy  delight  in  fire-crackers  ?  Obvi- 
ously because  they  make  a  noise.  The  Fourth  of  July  is 
the  one  day  when  he  is  licensed  to  make  unlimited  noise, 
and  accordingly  he  calls  in  the  aid  of  the  benighted  heathen 
of  China,  who  furnish  him  with  fire-crackers,  and  of  the  less 
excusable  heathen  of  our  own  land,  who  are  not  ashamed 
to  pander  to  his  depraved  passions  with  fulminate  of  sil- 
ver and  picrate  of  potash.  While  there  is  no  hope  that 
public  opinion  can  never  induce  the  small-boy  to  abandon 
his  prescriptive  right  to  make  the  Fourth  hideous,  it  is  pos- 
sible that  he  might  be  made  to  achieve  his  noisy  ambition 
in  some  other  way  than  with  the  aid  of  explosive  compounds. 
The  thoughtful  and  studious  small-boy  is  already  aware 
tliat  he  can  make  noises  of  the  most  exasperating  character 
v.'ithout  the  aid  of  a  particle  of  gunpowder.  Why  should 
we  not  point  out  to  our  little  ones  the  safe  and  cheap  instru- 
ments of  uproar  with  which   every  house  hold  is  provided, 


DOMESTIC  EXPLOSIVES.  g 

and  prevail  upon  them  to  accept  these  in  exchange  for  the 
fire-cracker  that  burns  by  day  and  the  "  nigger-chaser  "  that 
kindles  in  the  nighttime? 

The  ordinary  front  door  has  enormous  capabilities  for 
noise.  One  small-boy  can  produce  more  noise  by  violently 
and  persistently  slamming  it  than  can  be  produced  by  a 
whole  pack  of  fire-crackers.  There  is  also  the  familiar 
species  of  dining-table  with  swinging  leaves,  the  rapid  up- 
setting of  which  rivals  in  deafening  results  a  regimental 
volley  of  musketry.  Every  man  who  has  "  moved  "  on  the 
ist  of  May  is  familiar  with  the  magnificent  effect  in  point 
of  noise  which  is  produced  by  loading  a  small-boy  with  an 
assortment  of  coal-scuttles  and  directing  him  to  carry  them 
carefully  down  stairs.  If  this  experiment  were  to  be  re- 
peated say  at  half  hourly  intervals  on  the  Fourth,  and  es- 
pecially if  a  few  worn-out  articles  of  tin  ware  were  placed 
at  the  bottom  of  the  stairs  to  receive  the  loaded  boy,  the 
crash  and  rattle  that  would  ensue  would  far  eclipse  the 
best  efforts  of  the  largest  "giant  crackers."  The  common 
domestic  baby  can  in  skilful  hands  be  made  to  yield  noises 
of  great  variety  and  penetrative  power  ;  and  the  ear-piercing 
results  of  saw  filing  are  so  notorious,  that  the  advantages  of 
celebrating  our  nation's  birthday  by  a  carnival  of  saws 
ought  long  ago  to  have  been  recognized. 

Time  would  fail  were  the  attempt  made  to  give  a  com- 
plete list  of  domestic  instruments  of  patriotic  noise.  Those 
that  have  been  mentioned  are  alone  sufficient  to  give  expres- 
sion to  the  wildest  juvenile  patriotism.  Let  us  then  discard 
the  dangerous  explosives  sold  by  pyrotechnists  and  substi- 
tute for  them  the  harmless  front  door,  the  innocuous  dining- 
table,  and  the  safe  but  satisfactory  baby  and  saw.  What 
a  sublime  spectacle  would  be  presented  on  the  ensuing 
Fourth  were  the  small-boys  of  this  happy  land  to  celebrate 
our  national  independence  by  the  unremitting  slamming  of 
doors,  the  upsetting  of  tables,  the  filing  of  saws,  and  the 
pinching  of  babies.  Of  course  the  selfish  and  scoffing 
coroner  will  say  that  such  a  method  of  celebration  wouui 
be  wholly  unworthy  of  the  day;  but  we  all  know  that  what 
he  calls  his  love  of  country  is  only  a  love  of  inquests,  and 
that  when  he  pretends  that  the  fire-crackers  of  pagan  China 


lo  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

are  better  adapted  to  honor  the  memory  of  Washington 
and  Franklin  than  are  the  saws  and  files  of  Christian 
America,  he  is  secretly  longing  for  scorched  corpses  and 
shattered  limbs.  His  business  lies  with  contemporaneous 
bodies,  and  his  profession  of  interest  in  the  corpses  of  the 
men  of  1776,  who  are  now  far  beyond  the  reach  of  inquests, 
is  obviously  a  hollow  mockery. 


REFUTING  MOSES. 

There  is  no  question  that  geology  is  a  delightful  science. 
It  can  be  studied  with  less  expense  and  inconvenience 
than  any  other  science.  Chemistry  is  expensive  because 
it  cannot  be  studied  without  a  laboratory  in  which  the  stu- 
dent can  blow  himself  up.  Astronomy  requires  costly 
telescopes ;  mathematics  are  inseparable  from  slates,  and 
"  mumble-the-peg"  cannot  be  mastered  without  a  jack-knife. 
Geology,  on  the  other  hand,  is  a  science  which  any  one 
can  study  by  simply  going  out. of  doors  and  looking  at  the 
profuse  strata  which  beneficent  nature  has  lavished  upon 
us.  Persons  who  are  confined  by  ill-health  to  their  homes 
can  even  study  geology  by  examining  the  coal  measures 
and  kindling-wood  strata  in  their  cellars,  and  there  are 
encouraging  instances  of  amateur  geologists  who  have  re- 
futed Moses  simply  by  investigating  the  stratification  of 
their  ash-barrels. 

It  is,  perhaps,  to  be  regretted  that  the  refutation  of 
Moses  is  one  of  the  imperative  duties  of  the  geologist.  No 
man  can  hope  to  obtain  any  considerable  reputation  as  a 
learned  geologist  unless  at  stated  intervals  he  rises  up  and 
remarks  that  Moses  was  possibly  a  vv'ell-meaning  person, 
but  he  was  grossly  ignorant  of  the  paleontology  of  the  mes- 
ozoic  period.  Whenever  a  new  fossil  is  discovered,  it  is 
promptly  thrown  at  Moses'  head,  and  thus,  in  one  way  or 
another,  he  is  constantly  and  completely  refuted.  The 
friends  of  Moses  may  dislike  this  sort  of  thing,  but  it  is 
apparently  an  inevitable  result  of  studying  strata  or  med- 
dling with  fossils. 


REFUTING  MOSES.  n 

A  new  and  violent  blow  has  just  been  struck  at  the 
Mosaic  account  of  creation  by  the  discovery  of  an  extremely 
important  fossil  in  a  coffee-sack  at  Baltimore.  In  the  cen- 
tre of  this  sack  was  found  the  skull  of  a  monkey.  There 
can  be  no  doubt  as  to  the  facts.  The  coffee  was  of  the 
variety  called  Rio,  and  the  skull  was  perfectly  preserved. 
It  is  well  that  Moses  died  while  he  was  yet  esteemed  a  truth- 
ful person,  and  that  his  wife  and  brother  have  been  spared 
this  bitter,  bitter  blow. 

Let  us  dwell  for  a  little  upon  the  meaning  of  this  dis- 
covery  as  interpreted  by  the  principles  of  geology.  The 
coffee-sack  was  12  (say  123-^)  inches  in  diameter,  and  four 
feet  in  height.  The  skull,  which  lay  in  the  middle  of  it, 
was  therefore  two  feet  below  the  surface.  To  suppose  that 
it  was  violently  forced  into  the  sack  after  the  latter  was 
full,  would  be  eminently  unscientific.  No  one  imagines 
that  the  fossil  birds  of  the  Old  Red  Sandstone,  dug  down 
into  that  locality  through  the  superincumbent  strata.  Noth- 
ing is  more  universally  conceded  than  that  fossils  are 
always  found  where  they  belong.  The  ani;nals  whose  re- 
mains we  find  in  the  rocks  of  the  paleozoic,  the  meso-Gothic, 
and  the  Syro-Phoenician  strata,  belong,  respectively,  to 
those  several-systems.  The  fossil  monkey-skull  was,  there- 
fore, deposited  in  the  coffee-sack  when  the  latter  was  half 
full,  and  the  two  feet  of  coffee  which  rested  upon  it  was  a 
subsequent  deposit. 

Now,  it  follows  from  this  premise  that  monkeys  existed 
during  the  early  part  of  the  Rio  coffee  period.  It  is  the 
opinion  of  most  geologists  that  the  Rio  coffee  period  suc- 
ceeded the  tertiary  period,  and  immediately  preceded  the 
present  period.  Now,  no  tertiary  monkeys  have  yet  been 
found  ;  but  the  Baltimore  discovery  shows  that  monkeys 
existed  as  early  as  the  middle  of  the  Rio  coffee  period,  a 
date  far  earlier  than  any  which  has  hitherto  been  assigned 
^o  them.  We  may  feel  sorry  for  Moses,  but  we  cannot 
shut  our  eyes  to  this  plain  scientific  fact.  The  monkey 
lived  during  the  greater  part,  if  not  the  whole,  of  the 
Rio  coffee  period  ;  and  yet  that  venerable  Hebrew  would 
have  us  believe  that  the  world  is  only  six  thousand  years 
old! 


12  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

We  are  now  in  a  position  to  inquire  what  is  the  least 
period  of  time  which  must  have  elapsed  since  the  skull  of 
the  Baltimore  monkey  was  the  property  of  a  live  and  active 
simian.  The  answer  to  this  question  must  be  sought  by 
ascertaining  the  rate  at  which  coffee  is  deposited.  It  is 
the  opinion  of  Mr.  Huxley,  based  upon  a  long  and  care- 
ful examination  of  over  three  hundred  garbage  boxes,  that 
coffee  is  deposited  in  a  ground  condition  at  the  rate  of  an 
inch  in  a  thousand  centuries,  but  that  the  deposition  of 
unground  coffee  is  almost  infinitely  slower.  He  has  placed 
bags,  coffee-mills,  and  other  receptacles  in  secluded  places, 
and  left  them  for  months  at  a  time,  without  finding  the 
slightest  traces  of  coffee  in  them.  Although  Huxley  does 
not  hazard  a  guess  at  the  rate  of  deposition  of  unground 
Rio  coffee,  Prof.  Tyndall  does  not  hesitate  to  say  that  it 
is  at  least  as  slow  as  the  rate  of  deposition  of  tomato  cans. 
Let  us  suppose,  as  we  are  abundantly  justified  in  doing, 
that  30,000,000  of  years  would  be  required  to  bring  about 
the  deposition  of  a  stratum  of  tomato  cans  one  foot  thick 
all  over  the  surface  of  the  globe.  An  equally  long  period 
must  certainly  have  elapsed  while  a  foot  of  unground  coffee 
v;as  accumulating  over  the  skull  of  the  Baltimore  monkey. 
We  thus  ascertain  that  the  monkey  in  question  yielded  up 
his  particular  variety  of  ghost  and  became  a  fossil  fully 
30,000,000  of  years  ago.  Probably  even  this  enormous 
period  of  time  is  much  less  than  the  actual  period  which 
has  elapsed  since  that  monkey's  decease  ;  and  we  may 
consider  ourselves  safe  in  assigning  to  his  skull  the  age  of 
50,000.000  years,  besides  a  few  odd  months. 

In  the  light  of  this  amazing  revelation,  what  becomes 
of  Moses  and  his  6,000  years  "i  It  will  hardly  escape  no- 
tice that  he  nowhere  mentions  Rio  coffee.  Obviously,  this 
omission  is  due  to  the  fact  that  he  knew  nothing  of  it.  But 
if  he  was  unacquainted  with  one  of  the  most  recent  forma- 
tions, how  can  we  suppose  that  he  knew  anything  about 
the  elder  rocks — the  metamorphic  and  stereoscopic  strata? 
And  yet  it  is  this  man,  ignorant  of  the  plainest  facts  of 
geology,  and  of  its  very  simplest  strata,  who  boldly  assumes 
to  tell  us  all  about  the  creation  ! 

Whether  the  Christian  religion  can  survive  the  discov- 


A  PROFITABLE  FORK.  13 

ery  of  the  Baltimore  monkey  remains  to  be  seen.  Inas- 
much as  it  has  survived  hundreds  of  previous  refutations 
of  Moses,  it  may  perhaps  last  a  few  more  years  ;  but  it  can 
hardly  count  upon  the  patronage  of  any  really  scientific 
person.  Well-meaning  theologians  may  attempt  to  con- 
vince us  that  a  foot  of  coffee  was  deposited  on  the  monkey's 
skull  by  a  boy  with  a  scoop-shovel  in  three  minutes,  but 
the  facts  of  geology  cannot  be  overthrown  by  such  puerile 
sentimentalism.  The  theories  of  science  are  infallible,  and 
scientific  persons  are  incapable  of  error.  Sooner  or  later 
the  Protestant  who  believes  in  the  infallible  Bible,  and  the 
Roman  Catholic  who  believes  in  the  infallible  Pope,"  must 
perceive  their  error  and  admit  that  Scientific  Truth  is  the 
only  variety  of  truth,  and  that  a  monkey's  skull  in  a  sack 
of  coffee  can  give  more  real  comfort  to  the  questioning  soul 
than  can  all  the  creeds  of  the  Christian  world. 


A  PROFITABLE  FORK. 

After  all  that  is  said  about  industry  and  brains,  a  bold 
man  can  make  a  better  living  with  the  aid  of  his  simple 
stomach  than  he  can  in  any  other  way.  Some  years  ago  a 
Canadian  soldier,  who  had  a  little  "  difficulty  "  with  a  rifle- 
ball,  by  which  the  front  elevation  of  his  stomach  was 
carried  away,  obtained  an  easy  and  abundant  income  by 
exhibiting  the  great  moral  spectacle  of  human  digestion  to 
enthusiastic  medical  men.  In  spite  of  his  success,  his  ex- 
ample has  never  been  followed  until  very  recently,  and  the 
fortunate  Frenchman  who  the  other  day  invited  the  Paris 
Academy  of  Sciences  to  a  private  view  of  his  stomach  is 
the  first  and  only  imitator  of  the  famous  Canadian. 

The  Frenchman  in  question  became  a  stomach  exhibitor 
from  accident  rather  than  design.  More  than  a  year  ago 
he  undertook  to  imitate  with  a  silver  fork  the  world-re- 
nowned knife-swallowing  feats  of  the  eminent  statesman  of 
the  West.     Unfortunately,  as  he  then  supposed,  he  lost 


14  SIX 7 II  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

his  hold  on  the  handle  of  his  fork,  and  instead  of  success- 
fully withdrawing  it  from  the  interior  of  his  person,  as  the 
Western  statesman  withdraws  his  skilful  knife,  he  unin- 
tentionally and  completely  swallowed  it. 

The  event  created  a  degree  of  enthusiasm  in  medical 
circles  w^hich  has  rarely  been  equalled.  How  to  deal  with 
an  abnormal  development  of  fork  in  the  stomach  was  a 
problem  which  no  physician  had  ever  been  required  to 
solve.  The  homoeopathists  claimed  to  have  specifics  in 
their  materia  inedica  for  acute  or  chronic  attacks  of  marbles, 
coins,  hair-pins,  and  false  teeth  in  the  stomach,  but  they 
acknowledged  that  they  had  no  remedy  of  which  they  could 
prescribe  little  enough  to  cure  the  symptoms  of  the  fork. 
Moreover,  their  method  of  diagnosis  dissatisfied  the  patient 
and  exasperated  the  restaurant-keeper,  who  was  the  real 
proprietor  of  the  fork.  They  refused  to  entertain  the  idea 
of  the  absolute  existence  of  any  such  entity  as  a  stomachic 
fork,  and  asserted  that  what  the  old  school  physicians  called 
the  symptoms  produced  by  the  presence  of  a  fork  consti- 
tuted the  whole  difficulty  under  which  the  patient  suffered. 
As  for  the  latter  class  of  physicians,  they  were  as  much  at 
a  loss  how  to  deal  with  the  case  as  were  their  rivals.  One 
doctor  thought  that  if  the  man  were  made  to  swallow  a 
pint  of  mercury,  it  would  unite  with  the  silver  of  the  fork, 
and  when  subsequently  sublimated  by  putting  the  patient 
in  a  crucible,  would  leave  the  silver  in  the  readily  accessi- 
ble shape  of  a  finely  comminuted  precipitate.  Feasible  as 
this  plan  undoubtedly  was,  it  was  vehemently  opposed  by 
the  restaurant-keeper,  on  the  ground  that  it  would  ruin  the 
fork  and  by  the  friends  of  the  patient,  on  the  ground  that 
it  would  spoil  him.  These  unscientific  objections  prevailed, 
and  the  physicians,  after  having  vainly  experimented  upon 
the  fork  with  blisters,  vermifuge,  ergot,  and  the  exhibition 
of  a  tramp  famous  for  producing  the  disappearance  of 
silver  plate,  abandoned  the  case  as  one  which  was  abso- 
lutely incurable. 

But  it  so  happened  that  the  patient  had  swallowed 
better  than  he  knew.  After  being  abandoned  by  the  phy- 
sicians, the  surgeons  took  him  up,  and  stimulated  by  the 
agonized  entreaties  of  the  restaurant-keeper,  proposed  to 


A  PROFITABLE  FORK.  I^ 

cut  the  patient  open  and  thus  regain  the  fork.  By  this 
time  that  unhappy  man  had  become  so  much  discouraged 
by  coiic  that  he  was  willing  to  try  any  remedy,  no  matter 
how  unpleasant  it  might  be.  He  therefore  consented  to 
have  the  front  wall  of  his  stomach  removed,  and  the  sur- 
geons, having  performed  that  feat  with  great  hilarity  and 
skill,  rescued  the  long  imperilled  fork  and  restored  it  to  its 
owner.  Not  only  did  the  patient  survive  the  operation, 
but  he  soon  found  that  his  stomach  was  worth  far  more  to 
him  than  it  had  ever  been.  No  sooner  was  it  noised 
abroad  that  his  wound  had  -healed,  leaving  an  opening  in 
his  abdomen,  than  all  the  physicians  of  Europe  suddenly 
found  out  that  he  w^as  a  fine,  genial,  open-stomached  fellow, 
whose  acquaintance  they  were  anxious  to  make.  But  the 
Frenchman  was  not  to  be  caught  by  any  such  medical 
chaff.  He  promptly  decided  to  undertake  the  profession 
of  a  show^man,  and  to  throw  open  his  stomach  for  exhibi- 
tion to  all  who  might  be  willing  to  pay  him  a  moderate 
fee.  He  has  already  put  this  project  into  execution,  and 
his  daily  entertainments  are  now  crowded  by  admiring 
audiences,  who  watch  the  thrilling  performances  of  the 
gastric  juice,  and  burst  into  thunders  of  applause  when 
specimens  of  American  pie,  imported  for  the  exhibition  at 
immense  cost,  slowly  yield  to  the  indomitable  digestive 
forces  of  the  heroic  Frenchman,  and  thus  furnish  what  the 
audience  believes  to  be  a  new  demonstration  of  the  superi- 
ority of  the  gallant  French  stomach  to  the  sordid  and  per- 
fidious stomachs  of  the  English  race. 

To  all  those  who  desire  to  earn  a  living  without  per- 
sonal exertion  the  story  of  this  successful  Frenchman  may 
be  commended,  with  the  advice  to  go  and  do  likewise. 
The  tramps  who  are  now  compelled  to  undergo  the  trouble 
of  asking  for  their  food,  have  only  to  open  their  stomachs 
and  to  place  them  on  exhibition  in  order  to  live  in  idleness 
on  the  best  of  food.  They  need  not  even  incur  the  ex- 
pense of  a  surgical  operation.  Every  tramp  who  possesses 
nerve  and  a  sharp  knife  can  prepare  himself  for  exhibition 
without  delay  or  expense,  and  the  world  is  full  of  charitable 
persons  who  will  gladly  put  their  knives  at  his  disposal,  in 
case  he  should  have  mislaid  his  own.     Those  tramps  who 


1 6  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

attended  the  Philadelphia  Exhibition,  and  lived  on  the 
surplus  food  of  Centennial  boarding-house  keepers,  can 
easily  surpass  the  most  difficult  feats  of  the  French  ex- 
hibitor by  digesting  articles  which  he,  lacking  their  experi- 
ence, would  find  as  indigestible  as  forks.  As  for  the  good 
taste  of  the  public  exhibition  of  the  human  stomach,  there 
can  surely  be  no  valid  objection  made  to  it  by  a  community 
which  has  patronized  the  anatomical  displays  of  the  opera 
bouffe.  There  is  a  vast  and  fruitful  held  waiting  to  be 
reaped  by  the  stomach-exhibitor,  and  it  is  unfortunate  that 
it  is  now  too  late  to  place  in  the  Centennial  Exhibition  a 
few  well-selected  American  stomachs,  and  thus  humiliate 
Europe  by  compelling  a  comparison  between  the  free  and 
vigorous  stomach  of  the  New  World,  which  easily  digests 
both  pie  and  pork,  and  the  feeble  stomach  of  effete  Europe, 
which  is  unequal  to  the  digestion  of  a  simple  silver  fork. 


VULCAN. 

For  many  years  ambitious  astronomers  have  been  in  the 
habit  of  announcing  the  alleged  discovery  of  a  small  planet 
revolving  in  a  quiet  and  obscure  orbit,  situated  within  the 
orbit  of  Mercury.  Their  fellow-astronomers  have,  however, 
unanimously  declined  to  believe  in  the  existence  of  this 
planet,  and  have  scoffed  at  its  discoverers  as  men  who  are 
not  interested  in  sea-side  hotels  scoff  at  the  pretended  dis- 
coverers of  the  sea-serpent.  In  fact,  the  alleged  planet 
Vulcan  was  looked  upon  very  much  in  the  light  of  an  as- 
tronomical sea-serpent.  "  Vulcan  may  possibly  exist,"  said 
the  conservative  astronomers,  "but  Professor  So-and-So 
never  saw  it ;  "  and  then  they  would  hint,  with  sneering  as- 
tronomic smiles,  that  too  much  tea  sometimes  plays  strange 
pranks  with  the  imagination,  and  that  an  astronomer  who 
cannot  tell  a  planet  from  a  fly  that  walks  across  his  object- 
glass  is  not  the  sort  of  man  from  whom  any  discoveries  of 
moment  need  be  expected.     This  determined  hostility  to 


VULCAN.  ly 

Vulcan  finally  made  it  a  hazardous  matter  for  an  astrono- 
mer to  profess  a  belief  in  its  existence.  Public  astronomic 
opinion  insisted  that  there  was  quite  enough  planets  be- 
tween the  earth  and  the  sun  already,  and  that  to  have  this 
miserable  little  Vulcan  take  the  first  place  on  the  list,  and 
crowd  the  Earth  back  to  the  fourth  place,  would  be  little 
less  than  an  outrage.  Indeed,  it  is  said  that  no  scientific 
person  has  latterly  been  admitted  to  any  astronomical 
society  without  previously  renouncing  Vulcan  and  all  his 
phases,  and  professing  his  belief  in  only  two  inferior  plan- 
ets, possessing  phases  and  the  power  of  making  transits. 

But  now  comes  M.  Leverrier,  the  discoverer  of  Nep- 
tune, and  confessedly  a  crack  shot  with  the  long-range 
telescope,  and  announces  that  he  has  positively  discovered 
Vulcan,  and  will  before  long  exhibit  it  in  the  act  of  making 
a  transit  across  the  Sun.  This  announcement  has  been 
receiv^ed  in  grim  silence.  M.  Leverrier  is  too  well  known 
to  be  sneered  at.  The  man  who  hunted  Neptune  with  his 
nose — so  to  speak — following  the  mathematical  scent  of 
that  shy  planet  till  he  flushed  it  in  the  vicinity  of  Uranus 
and  brought  it  down  with  his  unerring  telescope,  cannot  be 
accused  of  confounding  accidental  flies  with  actual  planets. 
When  he  firmly  asserts  that  he  has  not  only  discovered 
Vulcan,  but  has  calculated  its  elements,  and  has  arranged 
a  transit  especially  for  its  exhibition  to  doubting  astronomers, 
there  is  an  end  to  all  discussion.  Vulcan  exists,  and  its 
existence  can  no  longer  be  denied  or  ignored.  The  Earth 
must  henceforth  be  ranked  as  the  fourth  planet  from  the 
sun,  and  the  children  in  the  public  schools  who  have  been 
taught  to  recite  their  planets  after  the  old-fashioned  order, 
must  be  required  to  commit  Vulcan  to  memory  and  insert 
it  in  its  proper  place. 

That  Vulcan  is  an  extremely  small  planet  there  is  every 
reason  to  believe.  Moreover,  it  must  be  excessively  hot, 
and  its  inhabitants  ought  to  be  very  thankful  that  its  day 
is  so  ridiculously  short.  Precisely  what  is  the  length  of  a 
Vulcanic  day  M.  Leverrier  has  not  yet  announced,  but 
in  all  probability  it  cannot  be  more  than  four  hours.  If 
its  working  men  have  obtained  the  passage  of  an  eight- 
minute  law,  and  are  careful  not  to  overheat  themselves  by 

2 


1 8  SIXTH  COL  UM^\f  FANCIES. 

undue  activity,  they  can  doubtless  accomplish  as  much  in 
the  course  of  a  day's  work  as  does  the  earthly  plumber, 
and  with  little  more  fatigue.  On  the  other  hand,  the  life  of  a 
Vulcanic  editor,  who  has  to  issue  a  morning  paper  every  four 
hours  must  be  a  terribly  laborious  one,  and  as  for  the 
editor  of  a  Vulcanic  evening  paper  he  can  hardly  find  time 
to  write  the  formula,  "  the  news  of  the  morning  papers  was 
substantially  anticipated  by  our  fourth  edition  of  yesterday," 
before  he  is  required  to  prepare  a  powerful  and  convincing 
list  of  ''  hotel  arrivals  "  for  the  first  edition  of  next  day's 
paper.  There  is,  however,  one  great  advantage  v/hich  the 
inhabitants  of  Vulcan  have  over  the  Tellurians.  The 
Fourth  of  July,  on  that  happy  planet,  lasts  only  eight  hours, 
and  a  Vulcanite  can  make  a  day's  visit  to  a  Centennial 
Exhibition  without  more  than  four  hours  of  acute  suffering. 
Still,  even  as  to  these  matters,  the  brevity  of  Vulcanic  time 
has  its  discouraging  features.  The  Fourth  of  July  must 
return  with  maddening  rapidity,  and  the  Vulcanites  must 
be  scourged  with  Centennial  Exhibitions  at  least  four 
times  as  often  as  the  inhabitants  of  any  part  of  our  slower 
and  more  considerate  planet. 

In  spite  of  the  unreasonable  opposition  which  astrono- 
mers have  shown  to  the  discovery  of  Vulcan,  that  event 
ought  to  fill  them  with  joy,  and  to  bring  a  corresponding 
sadness  upon  the  unscientific  part  of  mankind.  Hitherto, 
Venus  and  Mercury  have  been  the  only  planets  which  had 
the  habit  of  making  periodical  transits  across  the  disc  of 
the  Sun.  Mercury  has  rather  overdone  the  matter,  and 
made  its  transits  so  frequently  that  the  astronomers  have 
lacked  the  assurance  to  pretend  to  take  any  exceptional 
interest  in  them.  The  infrequent  transits  of  Venus,  on  the 
contrary,  have  been  scattered  along  at  such  wide  intervals 
that  it  was  possible  to  assume  an  immense  amount  of  appar- 
ent enthusiasm  concerning  them.  Thus,  whenever  a  transit 
of  Venus  was  about  to  occur,  astronomers  who  wanted  to 
visit  all  sorts  of  out-of-the-way  places  would  inform  their 
Government  with  every  appearance  of  sobriety,  that  unless 
they  were  sent  in  a  man-of-war,  with  vast  quantities  of  tel- 
escopes and  cigars  to  Kerguelen's  Land,  or  Japan,  or  Mount 
Chimborazo,  the  transit  could  not  be  properly  observed, 


UNDERGROUND  CLASSICS.  jg 

and  they  would  decline  to  hold  themselves  responsible  for 
the  consequences.  By  this  means  scores  of  fortunate — and 
would  that  we  could  say  scrupulous  ! — astronomers,  have 
made  foreign  tours  of  great  interest,  and  have  improved 
their  minds  with  poker  and  seven-up  during  sea-voyages  of 
enormous  length. 

Now,  it  is  evident  that  the  first  half  dozen  transits  of 
the  entirely  new  planet  will  be  more  interesting  and  impor- 
tant than  the  hackneyed  transits  of  Venus,  and  that  astron- 
omers all  over  the  world  will  promptly  urge  this  view  of 
the  matter  upon  their  respective  Governments.  Of  course, 
they  will  demand  to  be  taken  on  free  astronomical  picnic 
excursions  to  remote  regions  where  the  climate  is  pleasant 
and  the  scenery  is  attractive,  whence  they  will  ultimately 
return  with  note-books  full  of  abstruse  calculations  as  to  the 
comparative  frequency  of  the  occurrence  of  "  flushes  "  and 
"fulls,"  which  they  will  palm  off  upon  the  Smithsonian 
Regents  as  astronomical  tables  of  vast  learning  and  value. 
Thus  the  discovery  of  Vulcan,  leading,  as  it  undoubtedly 
will,  to  a  series  of  delightful  scientific  expeditions,  ought  to 
be  warmly  welcomed  by  all  astronomers  of  a  social  turn  of 
mind,  and  ought  to  awaken  the  gravest  appreliensions 
among  the  friends  of  economy  and  retrenchment  in  public 
expenses. 


UNDERGROUND  CLASSICS. 

It  is  by  no  means  certain  that  digging  for  ancient  stat- 
ues and  vases  is  not  more  profitable  than  digging  for  gold. 
The  German  government  is  sinking  shafts  and  driving  tun- 
nels at  Olympia,  and  has  already  struck  a  rich  marble 
"  pocket,"  in  which  has  been  found  the  identical  statue 
of  Victory  mentioned  by  Pausanias  !  That  this  sort  of 
mining  has  been  so  long  neglected  is  due  to  the  failure  of 
fortune-hunters  to  perceive  the  mercantile  value  of  anti- 
quarian reniains.     Let  it   only  be  thoroughly  understood 


2  o  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

that  Priam's  umbrella,  or  a  cancelled  ticket  of  admission 
to  an  Olympian  matinee,  can  be  sold  at  a  large  price,  and 
we  shall  see  scores  of  enterprising  speculators  forming 
stock  companies  for  antiquarian  mining.  So  long  as  a 
statue  or  a  vase  or  a  hair-pin  can  be  proved  to  be  a  thou- 
sand or  two  years  old,  it  is  easily  salable,  even  though  it  is 
not  marked  with  its  owner's  name.;^  -Schliemann's  firm  be- 
lief that  his  mine  is  situated  on  the  Site  of  Troy,  and  that 
every  ear-ring  which  he  finds  belonged  to  Helen,  and 
every  pair  of  spectacles  or  slippers  to  Priam,  is  by  no  means 
commonly  shared  by  antiquarians.  Still  the  extreme  age 
of  his  interesting  collection  is  incontestable,  and  its  mone- 
tary value  is  accordingly  very  great. 

If  digging  for  antiquities  becomes,  as  it  probably  will 
become,  an  extensive  business,  we  shall  need  some  new 
theory  to  account  for  the  enormous  deposit  of  valuable  ob- 
jects in  the  alluvium  of  classic  countries.  How  does  it  hap- 
pen that  the  modern  towns  of  Italy  and  Greece  and  Asia 
Minor  rest  on  strata  so  prolific  in  statues  and  vases  t  It 
is  all  very  well  to  say  that  the  slow  accumulation  of  earth 
has  gradually  covered  thousands  of  bulky  and  valuable 
articles  from  sight  and  memory.  No  such  process  is  going 
on  in  our  day.  Neglected  as  the  streets  of  New  York  have 
been,  no'  one  can  believe  for  a  moment  that  the  public 
would  quietly  permit  mud  to  gather  in  Union  square  to 
such  an  extent  as  to  gradually  bury  the  statues  of  Wash- 
ington and  Lincoln,  and  to  overwhelm  scores  of  baby-car- 
riages and  velocipedes  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  fountain. 
If  such  a  state  of  things  was  in  the  least  degree  to  be  ap- 
prehended, we  should  either  clear  away  the  mud,  or  remove 
the  statues  and  baby-carriages.  Neither  are  we  in  the 
habit  of  dropping  valuable  vases  and  dressing-cases  in  the 
street,  and  permitting  them  to  lie  there  until  they  are  hid- 
den under  the  gathering  dirt.  Yet  we  are  asked  to  believe 
that  such  were  the  manners  and  customs  of  ancients. 
Greek  and  Asiatic  communities  are  supposed  to  have  left 
their  streets  absolutely  unswept,  and  to  have  moved  into 
the  upper  stories  of  their  houses  when  the  surface  soil 
reached  up  to  the  second-floor  windows.  So  far  as  Troy 
is  concerned,  Schliemann  tells  us  that  he  found  four  cities 


UNDERGROUND  CLASSICS.  2i 

one  resting  upon  another.  Are  we,  then,  to  believe  that 
as  the  streets  of  one  city  gradually  became  choked  up  by 
mud  and  dirt,  the  Trojans  proceeded  to  build  another  on 
the  roofs  of  the  first  ?  Troy  was  undoubtedly  a  windy- 
place,  but  it  is  asking  rather  too  much  to  demand  that  we 
should  believe  that  all  the  loose  earth  of  the  Trojan  plain 
came  and  heaped  itself  up  in  the  Trojan  streets. 

In  like  manner  it  is  difficult  to  believe  that  the  Cypriote 
or  the  Roman  was  accustomed  to  take  his  walks  abroad 
with  his  pockets  full  of  earthen-ware  and  iron  pots^  and  to 
drop  them  all  along  the  streets.  Even  if  we  grant  so  im- 
probable a  theory,  where  were  the  small-boys  of  the  period  ? 
Is  it  supposable  that  they  would  permit  a  beautiful  vase  to 
lie  for  months  in  the  middle  of  the  street  without  smashing 
it  into  small  pieces  t  Could  they  have  resisted  the  temp- 
tation to  tie  ownerless  pots  and  pans  to  the  tails  of  classic 
dogs  }  To  suppose  that  the  ancients  strewed  valuable  and 
fragile  articles  of  household  furniture  in  the  street  is  wild 
enough,  but  it  would  be  still  wilder  to  suppose  that  the 
contemporary  boy  left  them  unsmashed  to  be  exhumed  by 
delighted  and  puzzled  posterity. 

Evidently  the  ordinary  theory,  that  in  ancient  times  every- 
body dropped  everything,  and  the  mud  came  and  covered 
it  up,  does  not  meet  the  question  which  the  successful 
mining  operations  at  Troy  and  Olympia  have  brought  prom- 
inently before  us.  There  is  now  an  opportunity  for  persons 
addicted  to  the  composition  of  ingenious  theories  to  ac- 
count in  some  new  manner  for  the  marble,  porcelain,  and 
iron-pot  strata  of  the  Mediterranean  countries.  There 
are  learned  geologists  who  have  imagined  that  gold  is  depos- 
ited in  the  crevices  of  quartz  by  chemical  action,  and  that 
thus  the  California  gold  mines  grew  and  may  still  be  grow- 
ing. Those  who  accept  this  theory  might  not  find  a  great 
deal  of  difficulty  in  supposing  that  the  deposits  of  wine-jars 
and  statues  of  Victory  have  also  been  due  to  chemical  action. 
It  is  a  solemn  thought  that  in  the  silent  laboratory  of 
nature,  the  formation  of  tin  pans  and  paper-collars  may  now 
be  in  progress,  and  that  those  interesting  objects  are  being 
stealthily  inserted  into  the  rifts  of  rock  and  earth  twenty 
feet  below  the  foundations  of  New  York.     There  are,  how- 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


ever,  almost  as  many  objections  to  this  theory  of  chemical 
deposition  as  there  are  to  that  of  the  unusual  prevalence 
of  the  habit  of  dropping  things  among  the  ancients,  and 
before  adopting  either  we  had  better  wait  for  a  more  satis- 
factory explanation. 


A  CONVERTED   PHILOSOPHER. 

So  many  spiritual  mediums  have  recently  been  detected 
in  cheating,  and  publicly  exposed,  that  the  ghostly  cause 
has  seriously  suffered.  Of  course,  those  who  originally 
believed  in  Flint's  teapot  and  Slade's  slate  will  probably 
hold  fast  to  their  fantastic  faith,  but  unless  those  mediums 
repair  their  damaged  professional  reputations,  the  number 
of  future  proselytes  to  Spiritualism  will  be  extremely  small. 

In  spite,  however,  of  the  bad  repute  into  which  spirits 
have  fallen,  a  courageous  German  philosopher  has  just 
come  to  their  aid.  Herr  Hellenbach  a  citizen  of  Vienna, 
who  has  for  years  enjoyed  the  local  reputation  of  holding 
vaguer  views  as  to  the  unconditioned  and  the  unknowable 
than  any  other  philosopher  has  ventured  to  hold,  has 
written  a  book  in  which  he  sets  forth  the  evidence  which 
has  convinced  him  of  the  truth  of  Spiritualism,  and  made 
him  conscious  that  he  has  an  immortal  soul.  This  evidence 
is  of  the  most  conclusive  and  delightful  character,  and 
Herr  Hellenbach  is  so  perfectly  satisfied  with  it  that  he 
prefers  it  to  the  vaguest  theories  and  the  best  tobacco 
with  which  German  philosophy  is  acquainted. 

Of  course,  tli^re  was  a  "  medium  "  concerned  in  the 
conversion  of  Herr  Hellenbach.  Fortunately  for  him, 
the  medium  was  not  a  tiresome  slate-writer,  or  an  elderly 
priest  of  the  sacred  teapot,  but  a  young  and  personally 
handsome  American  woman.  This  medium,  whose  name 
was  Lottie  Fowler,  went  from  London  to  Vienna  expressly 
to  convert  the  Viennese  philosopher,  and  the  evidence 
which  she  produced  was  as  remarkable  as  it  was  convincing 


A  CONVERTED  PHILOSOPHER.  23 

Having  invited  two  or  three  philosophical  friends  t0  be 
present  and  to  see  fair  play,  Herr  Hellenbach  tied  the 
medium  in  a  chair  in  the  middle  of  a  room,  and  placed 
over  her  head  what  he  calls  a  garment,  but  what  was  evi- 
denth^  a  meal-bag,  which  reached  nearly  to  her  feet.  The 
devoted  investigator  then  sat  down  at  her  feet,  with  his 
"  back  turned  in  such  a  way  "  that  the  back  of  his  head 
rested  on  her  knees.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  Mrs.  Hel- 
lenbach was  not  present,  and  it  is  to  be  presumed  that  the 
investigator  felt  that  he  would  trust  to  the  discretion  of 
those  of  his  friends  who  were  present.  Still,  there  is  no 
doubt  that  Herr  Hellenbach  has  acted  rashly  in  publish- 
ing so  minute  a  description  of  his  method  of  investigation. 
He  may  rest  assured  that  sooner  or  later  it  will  come  to 
the  knowledge  of  his  wife,  who  will  thereupon  convince 
him  that,  though  his  soul  may  be  immortal,  his  hair  is  cer- 
tainly mortal,  besides  being  inserted  much  too  loosely  to 
bear  any  severe  and  prolonged  strain. 

Having  placed  himself  in  the  pleasant,  but  indiscreet, 
position  above  described,  Herr  Hellenbach  immediately, 
and  to  his  great  surprise,  began  to  experience  novel  sensa- 
tions. Among  them  was,  as  he  asserts,  a  "  sensation  as  if 
somebody  was  running  his  finger  nails  from  the  nape  of 
my  neck  up  to  the  part  in  my  hair."  This  immediately 
convinced  him  that  there  is  another  world,  inhabited,  to 
some  extent,  by  the  spirits  of  just  barbers  ;  and  it  may  be 
presumed  that,  to  those  who  find  the  testimony  of  St. 
Paul  unworthy  of  attention,  this  overwhelming  evidence 
will  be  entirely  conclusive.  Another  sensation  was  that 
of  "  two  strong,  and,  once,  of  four  delicate  fingers,"  which 
touched  Herr  Hellenbach's  temples.  After  this  he  could 
no  longer  doubt  that'  he  had  an  immortal  soul,  and  so 
delighted  was  he  with  the  clearness  and  force  of  the 
evidence  that  he  "  spoke  out  loudlv,  and  in  vain  desired 
its  repetition."  He  does  not  say  whether  the  touch  of  the 
two  strong  or  the  four  delicate  fingers  was  most  agreeable 
to  him,  but  it  is  probable  that  he  would  have  been  contented 
with  either.  The  spirits,  however,  not  only  declined  to 
gratify  him,  but  openly  resented  his  attempt  to  dictate  to 
them.     "The  third  feeling,"    says  Herr  Hellenbach  with 


2  4  -S-ZX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

mingled  sadness  and  joy,  "  was  a  quite  connnon  and  un- 
pleasant one  on  the  top  of  my  head."  He  does  not  tell  us 
whether  it  reminded  him  more  of  a  poker  than  of  a  broom- 
handle,  but  there  is  no  doubt  that  for  a  moment  the  terrible 
idea  flashed  upon  him  that  Mrs.  Hellenbach  had  swiftly 
entered  the  room,  and  was  expressing  in  "  a  common  and 
unpleasant"  way  her  opinion  of  her  husband's  method  of 
investigating  spiritual  phenomena.  Nevertheless,  his  fears 
W'ere  unfounded.  The  invisible  poker  or  broom-handle 
was  wielded  solely  by  spiritual  hands,  and  with  the  double 
object  of  warning  him  that  he  had  been  wanting  in  courtesy 
in  sitting  up  and  howling  for  more  "  delicate  fingers,"  and 
that  there  is  a  Great  First  Cause.  Naturally,  he  was 
strongly  convinced  of  both  of  these  great  truths.  An 
elderly  and  inactive  philosopher  can  be  convinced  of  almost 
anything  by  banging  him  over  the  head  in  a  dark  room, 
where  there  are  no  policemen  within  call.  Herr  Hellen- 
bach promptly  yielded  to  the  unanswerable  argument  of 
the  spirits,  and  he  went  forth  from  that  seance  a  confirmed 
Spiritualist,  buoyed  up  by  the  hope  of  meeting  accomplished 
barbers  in  the  future  world,  though,  perhaps,  a  little  sad- 
dened at  the  thought  that,  even  after  this  life,  the  poker 
and  the  broom-stick  do  not  wholly  cease  from  troubling. 

The  results  of  Hellenbach's  investigations  are  so  com- 
pletely satisfactorily,  that  persons  who  are  uncertain 
whether  they  have  or  have  not  immortal  souls  have  only 
to  read  the  record  of  his  experience  to  have  their  doubts 
dispelled.  It  cannot  be  too  strongly  impressed  upon  them, 
however,  that  it  is  unnecessary  for  them  to  repeat  the 
philosopher's  experiments  by  personally  leaning  their  heads 
on  some  attractive  medium's  lap,  and  waiting  for  novel 
sensations  in  their  hair.  Let  them  be  contented  with  what 
Herr  Hellenbach  has  done  in  their  behalf,  and  not  rashly 
seek  superfluous  evidence  at  the  risk  of  incurring  the 
domestic  difiiculties  which  will  sooner  or  later  overtake  that 
devoted  investigator. 


FORGED  FOSSILS. 


FORGED  FOSSILS. 

Every  one  remembers  the  Cardiff  giant,  and  the  suc- 
cess which  that  fraudulent  fossil  achieved  before  its  true 
character  was  fully  exposed.  It  now  appears  that  the  al- 
leged print  of  a  human  foot,  which  was  said  to  have  been 
recently  discovered  on  a  slab  of  Connecticut  sandstone,  is 
merely  another  attempt  to  palm  off  a  forged  fossil  upon  a 
confiding  community.  Not  only  does  the  print  of  the 
foot  furnish  intrinsic  evidence  that  it  was  made  by  the 
foot  of  a  modern  Connecticut  farmer,  but  the  slab  itself 
proves  to  be  a  lump  of  artificial  stone.  The  forger  first 
made  his  slab  and  then  he  put  his  foot  in  it.  If  he  had 
not  committed  the  rash  mistake  of  using  artificial  stone, 
his  deceit  might  have  succeeded,  and  geologists  might  have 
accepted  it  as  a  final  and  fatal  blow  to  Moses  and  his  cos- 
mogony. 

These  two  instances  of  attempted  fraud  in  the  manu- 
facture of  fossils  ought  to  call  our  attention  to  the  fact 
that  we  are  wholly  at  the  mercy  of  the  geologists  in  respect 
to  fossils.  Though  the  fraudulent  character  of  the  Cardiff 
giant  and  the  Connecticut  footprint  has  been  discovered, 
how  can  we  tell  how  many  equally  wicked  forgeries  have 
escaped  detection  ?  The  geologists  have  the  whole  matter 
in  their  own  hands,  and  if  they  choose  to  show  us  the 
handle  of  a  tertiary  tooth-brush  and  call  it  the  tusk  of  a 
pliocene  rhinoceros,  we  have  no  means  of  refuting  their, 
assertion.  They  go  up  and  down  over  the  surface  of  the 
earth  with  their  hammers  and  pick-axes  hunting  for  fossils, 
and  finding  them  in  quantities  so  enormous  as  to  necessa- 
rily awaken  the  suspicions  of  skeptical  minds.  They  can 
boast  that  they  know  just  where  to  dig  for  fossils,  and  \vill 
confidently  assure  a  man,  inside  of  whose  house  they  have 
never  ventured,  that  his  back  cellar  is  full  of  the  remains 
of  megalosaurians.  If  they  would  be  satisfied  to  exhibit 
only  the  complete  skeletons  of  extinct  animals,  there  would 


26  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

be  some  ground  for  accepting  their  assertions  in  regard  to 
the  preposterous  beasts  which  they  assure  us  existed  in 
the  dawn  of  the  world's  history  ;  but  when  they  show  us  a 
handful  of  teeth,  or  an  odd  hoof,  and  insist  that  these 
rehcs  form  part  of  a  Hzard  thirty-two  hands  high,  and 
decorated  witli  green  wings  and  sky-blue  proboscis,  there 
is  a  tremendous  strain  on  our  credulity.  The  effrontery 
with  which  they  thus  request  us  to  admit  gigantic  animals 
on  the  mere  authority  of  a  few  inches  of  nondescript  bone 
is  really  astonishing.  It  is  said  of  Cuvier  that  if  you  gave 
him  a  single  thigh-bone,  he  would  promptly  construct,  upon 
this  flimsy  basis,  forty-seven  distinct  and  entertaining  fossil 
animals.  Of  course  this  showed  his  ingenuity,  but  it  also 
showed  that  paleontology  affords  a  magnificent  field  for 
persons  with  a  talent  for  constructing  extinct  beasts,  birds, 
and  reptiles. 

No  one  doubts  that  fossils  exist,  and  that  very  many  of 
the  fossils  that  are  exhibited  in  our  museums  are  genuine. 
The  truth  is,  however,  that  the  public  is  not  in  a  position 
to  discriminate  between  true  and  forged  fossils,  and  is 
hence  at  the  mercy  of  every  unprincipled  geologist.  If,  at 
the  period  when  communication  with  China  was  extremely 
rare,  some  scientific  person  had  obtained  possession  of  one 
of  those  curious  Chinese  bottles  containing  a  wooden  ball 
much  larger  than  the  neck  of  the  bottle,  and  that  scientific 
person  had  called  his  strange  toy  a  fossil,  and  had  cal- 
culated that  3,000,000  of  years  must  have  elapsed  while 
the  glass  bottle  was  slowly  depositing  itself  around  the 
ball,  how  could  he  have  been  satisfactorily  convicted  of 
imposing  upon  the  public  .''  Now,  geologists  are  constant- 
ly finding  caverns  in  which  are  deposited  the  bones  of 
alleged  paleolithic  men.  They  inform  us  that  the  paleo 
lithic  man  lived  some  70,611  years  ago,  and  that  he  usually 
carried  a  bushel  of  flints  in  his  pocket,  and  never  devoured 
a  shoulder  of  mutton  without  subsequently  engraving  some 
amusing  pictures  on  the  clean-picked  bone.  How  does 
the  public  know  that  the  alleged  bones  of  the  paleolithic 
men  are  anything  more  than  the  remains  of  a  scientific 
picnic,  or  that  the  accompanying  flints  were  not  placed  by 
the  scientific  men  themselves  where  they  would  do  the 


FORGED  FOSSILS.  27 

most  good  ?  We  have  to  accept  all  these  things  on  the 
bare  word  of  persons  notoriously  interested  in  the  trade  in 
fossils,  and  it  would  be  difficult  to  show  that  we  have  any 
security  whatever  against  paleontological  frauds. 

The  Cardiff  giant  was  skilfully  made,  and  except  that 
it  was  of  gigantic  size,  there  was  nothing  absolutely  incred- 
ible in  its  appearance.  On  the  other  hand,  skilful  paleon- 
tologists have  frequently  made  the  most  elaborate  and 
mipossible  beasts  out  of  plaster  of  Paris,  and  then  required 
us  to  believe  that  these  figures  were  exact  representations 
of  extinct  animals.  We  know  that  the  Cardiff  giant  was 
an  imposture,  but  we  should  be  called  all  sorts  of  names 
if  we  refused  to  believe  in  Mr.  Waterhouse  Hawkins' 
improved  lizards  and  patent  combined  fish  and  serpent 
animals.  Such  animals  may  have  existed  in  periods  when 
the  universe  was  in  a  chronic  state  of  delirium  tremens, 
but  it  certainly  requires  a  good  deal  of  faith  to  believe  in 
them.  And  yet  the  very  scientific  person  who  scoffs  at 
faith  and  professes  to  trust  only  to  reason  will  thrust  a 
shin  bone  six  inches  in  length  before  the  face  of  the  public 
and  remark  that  the  man  who  does  not  believe  that  the 
bone  is  an  icthyosaurus  seventy- five  feet  long  and  eighteen 
feet  wide  is  a  bigoted  foe  of  science  and  the  victim  of  the 
transparent  falsehoods  of  John  Milton.  If  we  are  to 
feel  justified  in  believing  in  paleontology,  we  must  be  pro- 
tected against  forged  fossils.  We  must  not  be  left  in  a 
position  where  the  footprints  of  a  Connecticut  deacon  can 
be  palmed  off  as  the  tracks  of  an  extinct  bird,  or  where  the 
petrified  ear  of  a  "  gree«Tt)ack  "  politician  can  be  put  in  a 
museum  and  labelled  "trunk  of  an  extinct  elephant."  All 
genuine  fossils  should  be  stamped  by  the  Government,  and 
all  false  fossils  should  be  destroyed  and  their  authors  con- 
demned to  hard  labor  in  geological  quarries.  We  shall 
then  be  able  to  put  reasonable  confidence  in  the  "  records 
of  the  rocks,"  and  be  ready  to  investigate  the  origin  and 
history  of  the  paleolithic  man. 


28  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


THE  THEORETICAL  BARBER. 

Almost  every  intelligent  man  is  familiar  with  the  story 
of  Leverrier's  discovery  of  Neptune.  We  picture  to  our- 
selves the  astronomer  peering  through  his  telescope  and 
noticing  Uranus  in  the  act  of  staggering  along  its  orbit 
with  as  many  perturbations  as  a  Ward  politician  returning 
from  a  ratification  meeting  is  accustomed  to  exhibit.  We 
can  imagine  how  Leverrier  sprang  up  when  the  thought 
suddenly  came  into  his  mind  that  some  unknown  and  disso- 
lute planet  must  have  led  Uranus  astray,  and  how  enthusi- 
astically he  seized  his  slate  and  began  to  do  those  tremen- 
dous sums  in  "  double  entry,"  "  compound  interest,"  and 
other  abstruse  departments  of  arithmetic  which  finally  gave 
him  the  clue  to  the  position  of  the  suspected  planetary  dis- 
turber. Undoubtedly,  he  deserves  great  credit  for  his  dis- 
cover}' ;  but,  after  all,  it  was  one  which  astronomers  ought 
never  to  have  had  any  difficulty  in  making  ;  and  what  was 
really  the  most  curious  feature  of  the  affair  was  the  failure 
of  everybody  but  Leverrier  and  Adams  to  perceive  that 
disturbance  in  the  orbit  of  a  planet  postulated  the  existence 
of  a  disturber.  It  is  not,  however,  among  astronomers 
only  that  we  find  a  tendency  to  ignore  truths  which  are 
taught  by  implication.  Not  a  single  anthropologist  has 
yet  perceived  that  the  existence  of  a  "  practical  barber  " 
implies  the  existence  of  a  "theoretical  barber,"  and  the 
social  Leverrier  who  shall  calculate  the  elements  and  dis- 
cover the  location  of  the  "  theoretical  barber  "  has  not  yet 
made  his  appearance. 

The  sign  of  the  "  Practical  Barber"  is  one  which  con- 
stantly meets  the  eye  in  certain  parts  of  the  city,  and  which 
conveys  a  very  well-understood  meaning.  We  all  know 
that  a  practical  barber  is  a  person  of  vast  and  oppressive 
conversational  powers,  who  condescends  to  shave  the 
beards  and  cut  the  hair  of  the  public  in  order  to  obtain 


7'HE  THEORETICAL  BARBER.  29 

an  audience.  But  what  is  the  theoretical  barber  ?  Obvi- 
ously, he  is  one  who  has  mastered  the  rules  of  shaving, 
shearing,  and  conversation,  but  who  does  not  handle  the 
material  razor  or  scissors.  He  is  the  professor  of  the  art 
which  the  practical  barber  practises  ;  the  instructor  of  the 
innumerable  practical  barbers  with  whom  the  deafened 
public  is  sadly  familiar. 

No  naturalist  has  hitherto  called  attention  to  the  fact 
that  the  practical  barber  is  always  full-grown,  and  that  on 
his  first  appearance  before  the  public  he  is  fully  panoplied 
with  shears-  and  razors,  and  sufficiently  skilful  in  their 
use.  The  spectacle  of  an  inexperienced  barber  fleshing 
his  murderous  razor  in  the  cheek  of  his  first  customer  is 
never  seen.  It  is  true  that  in  all  barbers'  shops  there  is 
an  obtrusive  small-boy,  who  brings  the  shaven  customer 
some  one  else's  hat  and  makes  a  shallow  pretense  of 
brushing  his  coat.  This  small-boy,  however,  is  evidently 
not  an  inchoate  practical  barber,  for  he  never  meddles 
with  razor  or  scissors,  and  never  makes  the  slightest  allu- 
sion to  the  virtues  of  his  employer's  "tonic."  If  we  are 
content  to  accept  the  evidence  of  our  eyes  we  must  believe 
that  barbers'  apprentices  do  not  exist,  but  that  the  practical 
barber  springs  into  being  full-grown  and  endowed  with  a 
complete  mastery  of  all  branches  of  his  art. 

Reason  teaches  us  that  this  cannot  be  the  case.  The 
practical  barber  must  learn  his  duties  by  careful  study  and 
long  practice.  There  must  have  been  a  period  in  the  early 
life  of  the  most  accomplished  barber  when  his  conversa- 
tion was  not  more  tedious  than  that  of  other  men,  and 
when  he  was  utterly  incapable  of  shaving  a  victim  without 
cutting  him  up  into  slices.  There  is  no  royal  road  to 
shaving  or  hair-cutting ;  no  short-cut  by  which  the  ambi- 
tious student  may  suddenly  become  proficient  in  shampoo- 
ing and  in  forcing  bottles  of  undesirable  "  tonic  "  upon 
weak-minded  men.  We  cannot  see  the  cheeks  which  the 
barber-student  has  slashed,  and  vre  know  not  where  the 
unhappy  beings  upon  whom  he  tries  his  'prentice  tongue 
while  learning  the  art  of  professional  conversation  are  con- 
cealed ;  but  no  reasoning  man  can  doubt  that  somewhere 
in  the  vast  city  the  practical  barbers  who   are  to  shave  us 


3° 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


three  or  four  years  hence,  are  secretly  learning  their  trade, 
and  that  a  frightful  number  of  unhappy  men  must  daily  be 
cut  to  jDieces  and  talked  to  death  in  the  operating  room  of 
the  occult  barber's  college.  Nothing  is  more  certain  than 
that  a  terrible  mortality  must  result  from  the  early  efforts 
of  the  inexperienced  shaver,  and  it  will  at  once  occur  to 
every  thoughtful  man  that  we  have  here  an  explanation  of 
the  frequency  with  which  dead  bodies  "  much  mutilated 
about  the  face,"  are  found  floating  in  the  river. 

It  being  thus  demonstrated  that  the  practical  barber 
learns  his  art  in  secret  and  by  assiduous  practice,  and  that 
the  very  existence  of  the  practical  barber  postulates  the 
existence  of  the  theoretical  barber,  we  are  ready  to  draw 
the  inevitable  conclusion  that  the  latter  is  the  teacher  of 
the  former.  Beyond  a  shadow  of  a  doubt,  we  have  among 
us  barbers'  normal  schools,  presided  over  by  accomplished 
theoretical  barbers,  and  attended  by  scores  of  hard  work- 
ing students.  In  these  schools  classes  in  shaving,  hair- 
cutting,  and  conversation  are  furnished  with  subjects,  upon 
which  they  are  required  to  operate.  How  these  subjects 
are  procured — whether  they  are  desperate  men  who  volun- 
tarily submit  to  torture  for  the  sake  of  large  wages,  or 
w^hether  they  are  quietly  kidnapped  by  bold  beard-snatchers 
— we  can  only  conjecture  ;  but  it  is  evident  that  the  fre- 
quency with  which  the  throats  of  subjects  are  fatally  cut 
by  new  students  fully  accounts  for  the  secrecy  with  which 
the  schools  are  conducted  and  the  retirement  in  which  the 
theoretical  barbers  live.  They  cannot,  however,  success- 
fully screen  themselves  from  the  investigations  of  induc- 
tive reasoning.  As  soon  as  Leverrier  perceived  that  the 
perturbations  of  Uranus  implied  the  existence  of  Neptune, 
the  discovery  of  the  latter's  hiding-place  was  inevitable  ; 
and  now  that  it  has  been  demonstrated  that  theoretical 
barbers  exist,  it  cannot  be  long  before  they  are  dragged 
into  light,  and  their  schools  of  sanguinary  shaving  and  in- 
human  conversation  broken  up  and  supp  ressed  in  the  in- 
terests of  humanity. 


A  CURIOUS  DISEASE. 


^I 


A  ^CURIOUS  DISEASE. 

Now  that  certain  medical  men  have  shown,  to  their  own 
satisfaction,  that  Spiritualism  is  a  disease  of  which  peri- 
patetic furniture,  discordant  guitar-playing,  and  ungram- 
matical  revelations  are  the  symptoms,  it  is  time  that  they 
should  carefully  investigate  that  curious  nervous  disorder 
peculiar  to  women,  which  is  vulgarly  called  "dress reform," 
and  which  is  characterized  by  an  abnormal  and  uncon- 
querable thirst  for  trousers. 

The  disease  in  question  does  not,  like  the  cholera, 
originate  where  masses  of  people  are  congregated  ;  but  it 
nevertheless  assumes  its  most  virulent  type  at  the  so-called 
conventions  or  congresses  where  those  who,  already  suf- 
fering from  it,  are  gathered  together.  It  is  certainly  neither 
contagious  nor  infectious,  and  one  who  is  suffering  from 
dress  reform  of  the  most  acute  type,  and  who  has  actually 
gratified  her  strange  thirst  for  trousers  by  visibly  wearing 
them,  can  be  touched  by  healthy  women  without  the  least 
danger  that  the  disease  will  be  communicated.  The  pres- 
ence of  one  patient,  however,  perceptibly  injures  another; 
and  in  this  respect  the  disease  betrays  its  near  relationship 
to  hysteria.  If  a  woman  in  whom  the  desire  for  trousers 
is  latent  is  brought  into  the  presence  of  one  who  has  reached 
that  miserable  condition  in  which  the  patient  incessantly 
calls  for  the  coveted  garment,  the  former  will  speedily 
develop  the  same  symptoms  as  the  latter.  It  is  for  this 
reason  that  physicians  should  discourage  the  assembling  of 
dress-reform  conventions ;  and  whenever  it  is  announced 
that  such  a  convention  is  to  be  held,  the  profession  should 
unite  in  an  address  to  the  local  sanitary  authorities,  setting 
forth  the  physiological   objections  to  the  proposed  meeting. 

The  disease  is  comparatively  a  new  one.  Sporadic  cases 
have  undoubtedly  occurred  ever  since  trousers  and  women 
became  contenlporaneous,  but  dress  reform  did  not  become 


32 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


sufficiently  common  to  attract  attention  until  some  twenty- 
five  years  ago.  As  a  rule,  women  are  exempt  from  its 
ravages  until  after  they  have  reached  at  least  the  period 
of  middle  life,  and  the  greater  proportion  of  its  victims  are 
above  the  age  of  forty.  It  was  formerly  claimed  that  no 
woman  was  in  danger  of  contracting  the  disease  who  was 
well  supplied  with  adipose  tissue.  This  theory,  however, 
has  been  exploded  ;  for  although  an  extreme  degree  of 
emaciation,  together  with  an  unusual  development  of  the 
osseous  system,  undoubtedly  invite  the  approach  of  the 
disease,  there  are  cases  on  record  in  which  women  con- 
spicuous for  fatness  have  suddenly  developed  the  typical 
craving  for  trousers  which  always  accompanies  an  attack 
of  dress  reform.  It  is  remarkable  that  feeble,  delicate,  or 
timid  women  are  never  thus  attacked.  The  disease  uniform- 
ly fastens  upon  women  of  exceptional  muscular  strength, 
and  upon  those  of  extraordinary  conversational  powers.  So 
well  established  is  this  fact,  especially  among  the  people  of 
our  Western  States,  that  when  a  woman  displa3^s  unusual 
vigor  in  wielding  stove-lids,  or  in  otherwise  convincing  her 
husband  of  his  faults,  her  acquaintances  immediately  rec- 
ognize her  as  one  who  may  be  expected  at  any  moment  to 
clamor  for  trousers. 

Many  of  those  who  have  studied  this  curious  disease 
believe  that  its  origin  must  be  sought  in  the  melancholy 
which  often  accompanies  any  marked  disturbance  of  the 
nervous  system.  The  patient  who  suffers  from  this  mel- 
ancholy gradually  becomes  convinced  that  it  is  her  duty 
to  disfigure  herself,  and  thus  mortify  the  flesh.  This  she 
seeks  to  accomplish  by  arraying  herself  in  trousers,  and  by 
exhibiting  herself  thus  arrayed  in  public.  Facts,  however,  are 
at  variance  with  this  theory.  While  there  is  no  question 
as  to  the  fact  that  trousers  render  the  patient  altogether 
hideous,  and  that  no  woman  in  a  normal  state  of  mind  could 
exhibit  herself  thus  clothed  without  undergoing  acute  an- 
guish, it  is  doubtful  if  the  victim  of  dress  reform  is  act- 
uated by  any  motive  of  self-sacrifice.  From  the  demeanor 
of  a  dress-reform  patient  when  occupying  the  platform  of  a 
convention  it  is  plainly  evident  to  all  unprejudiced  minds 
that  she  is  in  a  condition  of  ecstatic  happiness.     Further 


A  CURIOUS  DISEASE.  t^Z 

investigation  will  probably  show  that  the  disease  is  simply 
hysteria^  attended  by  prolonged,  and,  in  most  cases,  per- 
manent mental  hallucination.  The  patient  becomes  a 
prey  to  the  delusion  that  health,  beauty,  and  happiness  are 
inseparable  from  trousers,  and  she  therefore  puts  them  on 
with  unaffected  delight,  and  wears  them  with  a  firm  belief 
that  she  is  exciting  the  envy  and  admiration  of  the  world. 

If  this  is  true,  the  proper  method  of  treatment  ought  not 
to  be  a  difficult  problem.  The  patient's  obscure  hystcnia 
should  first  be  treated,  and  it  is  very  possible  that  w^hen 
this  baffling  disease  is  entirely  overcome,  the  mental  hal- 
lucination W'ill  disappear.  If  it  does  not  so  disappear,  the 
physician  should  then  try  the  usual  remedies  in  use  at  the 
best-conducted  hospitals  for  the  insane.  It  is  quite  pos- 
sible that  the  experiment  of  satiating  the  patient  with 
trousers  might  prove  successful.  Were  she  to  be  dressed 
exclusively  in  trousers,  and  compelled  to  live  in  a  room 
where  the  walls,  the  windows,  and  the  floor  should  be  cov- 
ered with  trousers  of  the  brightest  patterns,  it  is  by  no 
means  improbable  that  after  a  brief  period  she  would 
acquire  a  loathing  for  that  pervading  garment,  and,  recor- 
ering  her  mental  balance,  would  beg  for  the  skirts  of  sanity 
and  the  petticoats  of  her  earlier  and  happier  days. 

At  all  events,  the  disease  is  not  incurable.  Mrs. 
Bloomer,  who  was  one  of  its  earli.est  victims,  and  who  suf- 
fered from  it  to  a  degree  that  excited  the  horror  of  all 
beholders,  was  long  ago  thoroughly  and  permanently  cured. 
What  treatment  was  pursued  in  her  case  is  not  generally 
known,  but  the  fact  that  it  w^as  successful  ought  to  encour- 
age the  friends  of  all  those  who  are  now  similarly  afflicted. 
Physicians  need  to  study  the  disease  more  thoroughly  than 
they  have  hitherto  done,  and  were  they  to  take  this  course, 
there  is  abundant  reason  to  hope  that  they  would  soon 
discover  the  proper  method  of  treatment,  and  w^ould  banish 
from  the  community  one  of  the  most  painful  and  terrible 
diseases  to  wdiich  women  are  now  subject. 

3 


34  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


MRS.  ARNOLD'S    RIG. 

Mrs.  Eliza  M.  Arnold,  of  Houston,  Texas,  has  in- 
vented and  patented  an  improvement  \\\  rigging  ladies  of 
any  size,  wliich  greatly  simplifies  the  task  of  setting  or 
furling  an  umbrella.  The  new  invention  is  called  an 
"umbrella  supporter,"  and  next  to  the  device  of  double 
topsail  yards  it  is  probably  the  most  important  improve- 
ment in  rigging  which  has  been  made  during  the  last  half 
century.  Mrs.  Arnold's  description  of  the  umbrella  sup- 
porter is  extremely  interesting.  Two  curved  rods  made  to 
fit  upon  what  the  inventor  calls  "  the  forward  side  "  of  a 
woman  or  girl,  of  any  age,  are  fastened  at  the  lower  ends 
to  the  belt  of  the  wearer,  and,  passing  over  her  shoulders, 
unite  behind  the  neck  to  form  a  socket  into  which  the  foot 
of  an  umbrella  is  stepped.  The  socket  resembles  in  ap- 
pearance the  truss  of  a  ship's  main  yard,  with  the  impor- 
tant exception  that  it  is  made  of  steelt  wisted  into  spiral 
springs,  so  that  free  lateral  motion  may  be  given  to  the 
umbrella.  The  rods  are  furnished  with  back-stays  leading 
to  the  arms  and  to  what  Mrs.  Arnold  would  probably  call 
the  "  backward  side  "  of  the  wearer,  and  when  these  are 
set  up  taut  there  is  no  danger  that  the  rods  will  be  carried 
away  by  a  sudden  squall.  The  umbrella  is  of  course  fur- 
nished with  halyards  and  brails,  so  that  it  can  be  easily  set 
or  taken  in,  and  it  is  trimmed  to  suit  the  direction  of  the 
wind  or  of  the  sun's  rays  by  means  of  braces.  It  is  claimed 
that  the   umbrella  can  be    handled  with  extreme  ease,  and 


that  any  woman  rigged  in  accordance  with  Mrs.  Arnold's 
plan  is  exempt  from  the  necessity  of  shipping  an  able  gen- 
tleman to  carry  her  umbrella  whenever  she  takes  her 
walks  abroad. 

Excellent  as  this  invention  appears  to  the  reader  of  Mrs. 
Arnold's  eloquent  description,  it  is  possible  that  in  practice 
it  will  be  found  to  have  its  weak  points.  It  is  noticeable 
that  no  means  of  sending  the  umbrella  down  on  deck  in 


MRS.  ARNOLD'S  RIG.  3^ 

case  of  a  heavy  gale  are  provided.  Now,  it  is  conceivable 
that  a  lady  rigged  with  the  Arnold  umbrella  may  meet  with 
a  hurricane  so  fierce  that  prudence  will  dictate  the  immedi- 
ate sending  down  of  the  umbrella  and  all  its  gear.  Of 
course  this  could  be  done  with  the  aid  of  sufficient  force. 
A  mast-rope  could  be  made  fast  to  the  upper  part  of  the  um- 
brella ;  the  lower  part  could  be  cast  loose  from  the  truss  ; 
and  by  judiciously  lowering  away  the  mast  rope,  hauling  in 
on  the  tripping  line,  and  easing  away  the  braces,  the  um- 
brella might  be  safely  landed  on  deck.  But  at  least  five 
men  would  be  needed  to  accomplish  this  task.  One  would 
have  to  go  aloft,  and  having  made  fast  the  mast-rope, 
would  then  have  to  cut  the  truss-lashings,  and  stand  by  to 
keep  the  umbrella  from  chafing  against  the  chignon  or 
fouling  the  bonnet-streamers.  Another  would  have  to  be 
stationed  at  the  mast-rope  and  still  anothe*^  at  the  tripping- 
line,  while  each  brace  would  need  the  exclusive  attention  of 
a  careful  and  competent  hand.  Now,  the  very  object  of 
Mrs.  Arnold's  device  is  to  enable  a  lady  to  carry  an 
umbrella  without  the  aid  of  a  single  man  or  boy.  Is  it 
probable  that  when  the  necessity  of  sending  down  the  um- 
brella arrives,  no  less  than  five  men  will  be  within  call  and 
ready  to  undertake  the  job  ?  Moreover,  how  is  a  man  to 
reach  the  top  of  the  umbrella  in  order  to  bend  on  his  mast- 
rope  ?  To  go  aloft  on  a  light-sparred  young  lady  in  the 
midst  of  a  hurricane  is  an  exploit  from  which  the  hardiest 
mariner  would  shrink,  and  which  would  require  the  agility 
of  a  monkey  combined  with  the  strength  of  a  man  and 
the  lightness  of  a  ten-year-old  boy. 

Another  serious  objection  to  the  Arnold  rig  is  the  dan- 
ger which  will  result  from  careless  or  ignorant  handling  of 
the  umbrella.  Of  course,  in  fair  weather  and  with  a  breeze 
astern  or  on  the  quarter,  the  most  inexperienced  young  lady 
could  safely  run  before  the  wind  without  experiencing  any 
difficulty.  But  suppose  she  is  standing  up  the  east  side  of 
Fifth  Avenue,  close-hauled,  and  with  a  fresh  breeze  on  the 
port  bow,  and  suddenly  decides  to  change  her  course  and  to 
stand  over  to  the  west  pavement.  Instead  of  tacking,  the 
inexperienced  girl  would  be  very  apt  to  merely  put  her  helm 
hard-down,  and  being  thus  caught  aback,  would  drift  help- 


36  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

lessly  and  rapidly  against  the  nearest  ash-barrel  or  lamp- 
post. If  the  Arnold  rig  should  be  universally  adopted,  this 
melancholy  spectacle  would  be  of  daily  occurrence,  and  the 
services  of  the  police  as  wreckers  would  be  in  constant  de- 
mand. 

Again,  the  feminine  ignorance  of  the  rule  of  the  road 
would  lead  to  constant  and  dangerous  collision.  How  can 
two  3^oung  ladies,  beating  up  Broadway  under  a  heavy  press 
of  umbrella,  and  nearing  one  another  upon  opposite  tacks, 
be  expected  to  remember  that  the  one  with  the  wind  on 
her  starboard  side  has  the  right  of  way  over  the  other? 
And  what  fashionable  woman  going  large,  with  everything 
set,  would  be  willing  to  give  way  to  a  close-hauled  market- 
woman  t  The  more  the  new  invention  is  studied  in  regard 
to  its  dangers  when  managed  by  inexperienced  or  careless 
women,  the  more  objectionable  does  it  appear.  There  is 
no  doubt  that  it  is  ingenious,  that  it  saves  labor,  and  that, 
with  careful  management,  it  would  be  of  very  great  value. 
It  is  equally  clear  that  it  would  be  a  source  of  great  danger 
except  in  experienced  hands,  and  that  if  brought  into  gen- 
eral use  it  would  lead  to  constant  and  frequently  fatal  dis- 
asters. 


A  NEW  POINT  FOR  DARWINIANS. 

Recently  the  workmen  in  one  of  the  Calif orni an 
mines  struck  a  stream  of  water  at  the  depth  of  2,200  feet. 
It  rose  with  great  rapidity  until  it  reached  the  height  of 
400  i'eet,  when  the  pumps  prevailed  upon  it  to  pause. 
Whether  it  can  be  further  induced  to  vacate  the  mine  and 
permxit  the  workmen  to  resume  their  labors  remains  to  be 
seen. 

A  flooded  mine  is  unfortunately  no  novelty,  but  the 
flooding  of  this  particular  mine  has  led  to  a  discovery  of 
vast  importance  to  scientific  persons  and  fishmongers.  The 
water  is  not  of  that  cool  and  delightful  quality  so  pleasing 
to  the  temperance  lecturer.     No  temperance  song  has  yet 


A  NEW  POINT  FOR  DARWINIANS.  37 

been  written  which  could  be  sung  in  its  praise  with  the 
least  propriety,  for  it  is  not  merely  warm,  but  positively 
hot.  It  is  admirably  adapted  for  the  composition  of  the 
sinful  beverage  with  which  the  Californian  miner  clarifies 
his  vision  so  that  he  can  perceive  the  spiritual  snakes  that 
are  invisible  to  ordinary  eyes  ;  but  except  in  connection 
with  whiskey,  sugar,  and  lemon-peel  it  is  manifestly  unfit 
for  thirsty  men.  In  this  hot  water  were,  nevertheless,  found 
quantities  of  fish  of  an  entirely  new  pattern.  Like  the  fish 
of  the  Mammoth  Cave,  they  are  destitute  of  eyes,  but  un- 
like all  previous  fish,  they  can  live  only  in  hot  water. 
When  the  experiment  of  placing  them  in  cold  water  was 
tried,  they  immediately  showed  symptoms  of  suffering  from 
cold  fins  and  tails,  and  presently  died  in  great  anguish. 
Of  course,  their  color  was  a  bright  red,  in  consequence  of 
the  prolonged  boiling  which  they  had  undergone,  and  it  is 
probable  that  they  were  eaten  on  the  spot  by  the  hungry 
miners. 

The  existence  of  fish  in  hot  water  will  bring  joy  to  the 
heart  of  the  believer  in  natural  selection.  It  is  a  proof 
that  when  nature  slowly  and  by  almost  imperceptible  de- 
grees heats  the  water  in  a  subterranean  fish-pond,  the  fishes 
which  insist  upon  cold  water  will  gradually  die  off,  while 
others  who  like  a  somewhat  higher  temperature  will  survive. 
In  time,  this  survival  of  the  hottest  will  result  in  the  pro- 
duction of  fishes  which  regard  hot  water  as  their  natural 
element.  This  is  evidently  what  has  taken  place  in  Cali- 
fornia. An  entirely  new  species  of  fish  has  been  developed, 
and  the  discovery  of  the  "  Cyprinus  Brooklynensis  " — as  it 
is  understood  that  the  new  hot-water  fish  is  to  be  appropri- 
ately called — furnishes  a  strong  argument  in  support  of  the 
theory  of  development  by  aid  of  natural  selection. 

The  importance  of  this  discover}^  to  fish-mongers,  keep- 
ers of  restaurants,  and  housekeepers  generally  can  hardly 
be  over-estimated.  If  boiled  fish  can  be  caught,  all  the 
trouble  now  required  in  cooking  raw  fish  will  be  avoided, 
and  if  it  is  possible  to  develop  a  race  of  fishes  that  can 
live  in  boiling  water,  it  is  equally  possible  to  develop  a 
breed  of  hot-water  lobsters,  or  clams,  or  oysters.  All  that 
would  be  necessary  would  be  a  close  imitation  of  the  pro- 


3  8  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

cesses  of  nature.  If  we  stock  a  pool  of  water  with  lobsters, 
and  slowly  increase  its  temperature  so  as  to  reach  the 
boiling-point,  in  the  course  of  a  hundred  years  we  shall 
find  the  then  surviving  lobsters  crawling  around  in  a  beau- 
tifully boiled  state  and  requiring  nothing  but  sauce  to  fit 
them  for  immediate  eating.  Whether  it  would  be  possible 
to  develop  a  race  of  roast  turkeys  by  breeding  the  birds 
in  a  hot-house,  in  which  the  temperature  should  be  in- 
creased say  one  degree  every  six  months,  may  be  doubted, 
since  at  a  high  temperature  eggs  would  be  hatched  with 
such  rapidity  as  to  seriously  inconvenience  a  hen-turkey 
of  slow  and  methodical  habits.  Still,  the  existence  of 
living  roast  turkeys  does  not  seem  much  more  improbable 
than  the  existence  of  living  fish  in  a  boiled  state  seemed  a 
week  ago  ;  and  the  day  may  yet  come  when  our  poultry 
can  be  placed  on  the  table  without  undergoing  the  fearful 
risk  of  cooking  at  the  hands  of  a  newly  imported  Hibernian, 
and  our  fish  can  be  eaten  on  the  banks  of  their  native  cal- 
dron, without  the  aid  of  a  frying-pan  or  a  gridiron. 

There  is  but  one  thing  which  casts  the  slightest  shade  of 
doubt  upon  the  possibility  of  the  development  of  boiled  fish. 
The  California  miners  insist  that  they  have  seen  the  hot-water 
fish  of  the  flooded  mine  with  their  own  eyes,  and  we  cannot 
doubt  that  they  make  the  assertion  in  good  faith.  Still,  it 
would  be  interesting  to  know  if  they  drank  any  of  the  hot 
water,  in  a  properly  medicated  state,  before  catching  the  fish. 
If  so,  there  is  a  possibility  that  the  vision  of  boiled  fish  was 
only  a  delusion  of  the  imagination.  It  is  currently  reported 
in  alcoholic  circles  that  the  Californian  miner  often  sees  in 
his  uneasy  dreams  whole  menageries  of  curious  animals, 
including  not  only  those  already  known  to  naturalists,  but 
other  and  hitherto  unclassified  beasts,  birds,  and  reptiles 
of  the  most  eccentric  conformation  and  undesirable  habits. 
If  we  are  to  class  the  boiled  fish  of  the  Red  Dog  Mine  with 
the  insubstantial  faufia  of  California  dreams,  there  is  an 
end  of  the  exultation  with  which  Darwinians  and  lovers 
of  fish  diet  have  received  the  story  of  the  flooded  mine. 
Let  us,  however,  hope  for  better  things,  and  cling  to  the 
belief  that  the  "  Cyprhius  Brooklynensis  "  is  a  blessed  and 
boiled  reality,  until  the  contrary  is  conclusively  shown. 


THE  EARLY  AMERICAN  GIANT.  3^ 


THE  EARLY  AMERICAN  GIANT.  . 

The  conduct  of  the  prehistoric  races  of  this  continent, 
in  omitting  to  leave  any  record  which  could  establish  their 
origin  and  customs,  was  extremely  thoughtless.  They 
managed  such  things  vastly  better  in  Europe.  When  the 
cave-dwellers  grew  tired  of  their  subterranean  existence 
and  decided  to  die,  they  had  some  consideration  for  those 
who  were  to  come  after  them.  They  selected  specimens  of 
the  bones  of  all  the  animals  of  the  period,  and  drew  por- 
traits of  themselves  on  the  handles  of  their  tooth-brushes, 
and  then  laid  down  to  die  surrounded  by  these  mute  wit- 
nesses of  their  fondness  for  art  and  animals.  Thus,  when 
the  British  explorer  finds  a  cave-dweller's  skeleton,  with 
its  accompanying  cabinet  of  curiosities,  he  is  at  once 
enabled  to  assert  that  the  cave-dwellers  were  contemporary 
with  bears  and  tooth-brushes,  and  has  the  great  satisfaction 
of  knowing  that  as  soon  as  he  can  discover  the  date  at 
which  the  cave-bear  flourished  in  the  British  Islands,  he 
will  know  the  date  at  which  the  cave-dweller  lived.  In 
North  America,  on  the  contrary,  the  earliest  residents  were 
sublimely  selfish,  and  cared  nothing  whatever  for  the  arch- 
aeological feelings  of  subsequent  generations.  When  a 
mound-builder  died,  he  neither  collected  any  extraneous 
bones,  nor  took  the  slightest  care  of  his  own.  Had  he  re- 
quested his  surviving  friends  to  look  upon  his  corpse  in  the 
light  of  an  antiquarian  corner-stone,  and  to  bury  with  it  a 
box  containing  the  newspapers  and  coins  of  the  period,  there 
would  be  some  pleasure  in  digging  him  up.  Or  if  he  had 
simply  directed  that  his  name  and  occupation  should  be  in- 
expensively stencilled  on  one  of  his  largest  bones,  he  could 
have  saved  us  a  great  deal  of  unprofitable  discussion  as 
to  his  real  character.  But  he  did  nothing  of  the  sort ; 
and  in  consequence  when  we  now  find  his  skeleton,  it  is 
useless  even  to  the  coroner,  and  is  entirely  indistinguish- 
able from  the  ordinary  Indian  skeleton. 


40  SIX  TH  COL  UMX  FA  NCIES. 

The  public  will  be  unpleasantly  reminded  of  this  callous 
indifference  to  the  future  on  the  part  of  prehistoric  Ameri- 
cans by  the  recent  discovery  of  three  unusually  fine  skele- 
tons in  Kentucky.  A  Louisville  paper  asserts  that  two 
men  lately  undertook  to  explore  a  cave  which  they  acciden- 
tally discovered  not  far  from,  that  city.  The  entrance  to 
the  cave  was  small,  but  the  explorers  soon  found  them- 
selves in  a  magnificent  apartment,  richly  furnished  with 
the  most  expensive  and  fashionable  stalactites.  In  a  cor- 
ner of  this  hall  stood  a  large  stone  family  vault,  which  the 
two  men  promptly  pried  open.  In  it  were  found  three 
skeletons^  each  nearly  nine  feet  in  height.  The  skeletons 
appear  to  have  somewhat  frightened  the  young  men,  for,  on 
seeing  so  extensive  a  collection  of  bones,  they  immediately 
dropped  their  torch,  and  subsequently  wandered  in  dark- 
ness for  thirty-six  hours  before  they  found  their  way  back 
to  daylight  and  soda-water. 

Now,  it  is  evident  that  these  gigantic  skeletons  belonged 
to  men  very  different  from  the  men  of  the  present  day.  A 
skeleton  eight  feet  and  ten  inches  in  height  would  measure 
fully  nine  feet  when  dressed  in  even  a  thin  suit  of  flesh. 
The  tallest  nine-foot  giant  of  a  travelling  circus  is  rarely 
more  than  six  feet  four  inches  high  in  private  life  and  with- 
out his  boots,  and  even  giants  of  this  quality  are  scarce  and 
dear.  The  three  genuine  nine-foot  men  of  Kentucky  must 
have  belonged  to  a  race  that  is  now  entirely  extinct,  and 
hence  it  would  be  a  matter  of  very  great  interest  if  we  cpuld 
learn  who  and  what  they  were. 

It  would  be  difficult  to  excuse  the  indifference  of  these 
giants  to  our  rational  curiosity.  They  could  afford  to  be 
buried  in  a  gorgeous  family  vault,  and  hence  could  have 
easily  afforded  to  decorate  the  vault  with  a  plain  and  inex- 
pensive door-plate.  They  could  afford  to  pay  the  cost  of 
having  their  heavy  bodies  carried  a  long  distance  into  the 
cave  before  they  were  deposited  in  the  vault,  and  it  is  rea- 
sonably certain  that  they  did  not  obtain  possession  of  so 
eligible  a  burial-place  without  paying  a  large  price  to  the 
local  cemetery  company.  And  3'et  they  did  not  take  the 
trouble  to  furnish  us  with  the  slightest  clue  to  their  identity. 
Not  only  did  they  omit  to  put  a  door-plate  on  their  vault, 


A  SAD  CASE.  .J 

but  they  failed  to  deposit  a  visiting  card,  or  a  worthless  cer- 
tificate of  petroleum  stock,  or  anything  whatever  bearing 
the  name  of  either  of  them,  in  the  tomb.  Not  so  much  as 
a  boot  or  a  paper  collar,  a  gilt  sleeve-button  or  a  cheap  jack- 
knife,  was  buried  with  them.  When  we  contrast  this  selfish 
parsimony  with  the  generous  forethought  of  the  cave- 
dweller  who  died  with  a  bear's  skull  in  one  hand,  a  rhinoc- 
eros' horn  in  the  other,  and  with  his  pockets  stuffed  full 
of  engraved  tooth-brush  handles,  merely  in  order  to  please 
remote  posterity,  we  can  only  blush  for  the  selfish  want  of 
public  spirit  of  the  early  American  giant. 

Of  course,  the  tale  of  the  two  young  Kentuckian  ex- 
plorers needs  confirmation.  They  may  have  made  their 
alleged  discovery  while  in  an  advanced  state  of  hot  whiskey, 
or  they  may  have  manufactured  their  skeletons  before  find- 
ing them,  with  the  view  to  subsequent  exhibitions.  Whole 
panoramas  of  eccentric  skeletons  have  frequently  been  seen 
in  Kentucky  and  elsewhere,  by  men  who  have  looked  too 
frequently  upon  the  whiskey  when  it  is  hot  and  flavored  with 
sugar  and  lemon-peel  ;  and  the  story  of  the  Cardiff  Giant 
reminds  us  that  the  manufacture  of  prehistoric  men  has 
already  been  attempted.  Still,  even  if  the  Early  American 
Giant  proves  to  be  a  fact,  v/e  have  no  reason  to  hope  that 
we  shall  ever  find  out  what  manner  of  man  he  was.  It  is 
only  too  evident  that  he  was  as  inconsiderate  as  the  Early 
American  Cucumber  which  insists  upon  running  over  all 
contiguous  vegetable  beds,  without  depositing  sufficient 
cucumbers  to  atone  for  its  trespass.  He  died  and  left  no 
sign,  and  he  deserves  our  hearty  condemnation  for  his  sel- 
fish carelessness. 


A  SAD  CASE. 


The  sea-serpent  has  been  seen  again  ;  this  time  in  the 
Malacca  Straits,  and  by  the  captain  and  surgeon  of  a 
British  steamship,  assisted,  as  they  allege,  by  all  the  rest  of 
the  ship's  company.  The  alarming  apparition  is  described 
at  great  length  in   an   afiidavit  made  by  the  two  officers 


42  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

aforesaid,  and  there  is  no  doubt  that  it  ought  to  be  a  terri- 
ble warning  to  them. 

On  the  nth  day  of  September  last,  at  10.30  a.  m.,  the 
steamship  Nestor  was  passing  through  the  Malacca  Straits, 
on  her  way  to  Shanghai.  We  need  not  inquire  what  the 
captain  and  surgeon  were  doing  at  that  precise  hour,  but, 
as  it  was  early  in  the  day,  we  may  assume  there  was  mere- 
ly a  slight  clash  of  brandy  mingled  with  the  soda  water. 
Suddenly  they  saw  on  the  starboard  beam,  at  a  distance  of 
about  two  hundred  yards,  an  animal  that  filled  them  with 
horror  and  alarm.  It  was,  of  course,  serpentine  in  form— 
as  that  style  of  retributive  animal  always  is — and  it  com- 
prised a  body  of  fifty  feet  in  length,  together  with  a  tail  one 
hundred  and  fifty  feet  long.  At  least,  this  is  the  way  in  which 
the  two  unhappy  officers  describe  their  vision,  although  it 
might  be  preferable  to  say  that  the  serpent  consisted  of 
one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  of  tail,  with  a  fifty-foot  body  at- 
tached thereto.  In  point  of  color,  the  animal  could  have 
given  odds  to  Solomon  in  all  his  glor}^  Its  head  was  of  a 
pale  yellow  color,  while  the  body  and  tail  were  encircled 
with  alternate  stripes  of  yellow  and  black.  In  fact,  the 
surgeon  was  at  first  i'-»clined  to  think  that  he  was  gazing 
upon  a  Titanic  mermaid,  with  yellow  hair  and  a  wealth  of 
fashionable  hosiery  ;  but  the  conception  of  two  hundred 
feet  of  striped  hose  was  too  vast  to  obtain  a  permanent 
lodging  in  his  wearied  and  excited  brain.  What  was  ex- 
ceptionally remarkable  in  this  portentous  snake  was  its 
total  want  of  either  mouth  or  eyes.  It  is  well  known  to  all 
naturalists  that  the  serpents  usually  seen  by  seafaring  men 
in  thirsty  latitudes  are  provided  with  eyes  of  pure  phos- 
phorus, and  are  equipped  with  mouths  of  tremendous  size, 
which  they  habitually  wear  wide  open,  in  order  to  breathe 
out  streams  of  fire.  Still,  there  is  no  reason  why  we  should 
doubt  the  appearance  of  an  eyeless  and  mouthless  snake  ; 
and,  indeed,  such  an  animal  would  have  a  weird  look, 
which  would  startle  and  appal  the  beholder,  because  of  its 
very  novelty. 

When  the  captain  first  saw  this  terrible  creature, 
it  was  swimming  parallel  to  the  ship  at  the  rate  of  nine  and 
three-quarters  knots,  and  he  felt  a  wild  impulse  to  run  it 


A  SAD  CASE.  4^ 

down,  as  though  it  were  merely  an  American  man-of-war  in 
a  Japanese  harbor.  On  reflection,  he  decided  that  such  a 
course  might  injure  the  blades  of  his  screw,  and  that,  after 
all,  experience  had  demonstrated  that  the  more  one  tries  to 
slay  a  serpent  of  that  particular  species,  the  more  apt  it  is 
to  transform  itself  into  a  regiment  of  objectionable  goblins. 
Moreover,  the  serpent  suddenly  ported  its  tail  and  ran  un- 
der the  steamer's  stern.  It  kept  company  with  the  ship 
for  some  time  ;  and  why  it  did  not  come  on  board,  and, 
following  the  captain  and  surgeon  to  their  state-rooms, 
divide  itself  in  two  pieces  and  coil  round  their  respective 
legs,  we  are  not  told. 

So  great  was  the  shock  experienced  by  the  captain  and 
surgeon,  that  as  soon  as  the  ship  reached  Shanghai  they 
rushed  to  the  office  of  a  local  magistrate  and  in  his  pres- 
ence solemnly  "swore  off,"  or,  as  they  preferred  to  put  it, 
made  an  affidavit.  It  is  from  the  descriptive  passages  in 
this  affidavit — which  are  the  only  portions  of  it  which  the 
deponents  have  ventured  to  publish — that  the  facts  above 
set  forth  are  taken.  It  is  unpleasant  to  charge  two  British 
officers  with  a  lack  of  candor,  but  it  is  impossible  to  read 
this  affidavit  without  recognizing  its  evasive  nature.  The 
deponents  weakly  imagined  that  they  could  conceal  the  true 
state  of  the  case  by  refraining  from  calling  the  marine 
monster  a  snake.  Not  only  do  they  assert  that  they 
*'  should  not  for  a  moment  compare  it  to  a  snake,"  but  they 
also  allege  that  it  resembled  "  the  frog  tribe."  We  all 
know  that  the  frog  is  a  reputable  cold-water  animal,  which 
can  be  seen  without  gross  cause  for  scandal  by  the  most 
sober  and  abstemious  persons,  but  the  captain  and  sur- 
geon of  the  Nestor  cannot  deceive  the  public  by  calling  an 
animal  consisting  almost  entirely  of  tail,  and  devoid  of 
either  legs  or  fins,  a  frog.  They  saw  an  open  and  undis- 
guised serpent,  and  little  hopes  of  their  permanent  refor- 
mation can  be  entertained  so  long  as  they  attempt  to  deny 
the  fact  and  to  babble  of  innocent  frogs. 

If  we  may  believe  the  testimony  of  these  two  unfortu- 
nate men,  the  sea-serpent  was  also  seen  by  their  fellow- 
officers  and  by  all  the  passengers.  As  the  latter  were  prin- 
cipally Chinamen,  their  testimony,  even  if  we  had  it,  would 


^4  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

not  be  held  to  be  of  much  value  ;  but  surely  we  ought  to 
hear  what  the  first  and  second  mates  of  the  iV^i-/<5>;- have  to 
say  concerning  the  matter.  Neither  the  captain  or  the 
surgeon  mentions  the  impression  which  the  sight  of  the 
sea-serpent  made  upon  these  two  estimable  seamen  ;  and 
although  the  captain  does  mention  that  the  third  mate  said 
the  animal  was  nothing  but  a  shoal,  he  omits  to  tell  us  how 
he  thereupon  took  the  third  mate  aside  and  explained  to 
him  that  delirium  tremens  could  not  be  tolerated  in  a  sub- 
ordinate officer,  and  that  he  must  abandon  the  intoxicating 
cup  and  sign  the  pledge  if  he  wished  to  remain  the  third 
mate  of  the  Nestor.  There  is  not  the  least  doubt  that  the 
captain  and  the  surgeon  saw  precisely  the  sort  of  serpent 
which  they  describe  in  their  affidavit,  but  when  they  hesi- 
tate to  call  it  a  serpent,  and  suppress  the  evidence  of  the 
first  and  second  mates  in  regard  to  the  vision,  they  excite 
in  the  public  mind  a  doubt  of  their  strict  honesty. 


AN  INCONSIDERATE  GIFT. 

It  is  related  that  v/hen  Wolfe  lay  wounded  on  the 
Plains  of  Abraham  a  noisv  and  inconsiderate  staff  officer 
suddenly  cried:  "They  fly!  They  fly  !  "  "  Shoo,  fly  !  " 
sternly  exclaimed  the  dying  but  exasperated  hero,  "  let  me 
die  in  peace  " — and  immediately  expired. 

,  This  touching  historical  anecdote  will  naturally  recur 
to  every  one  who  reads  of  the  late  noble  conduct  of  the 
King  of  the  Fiji  Islands.  As  is  generally  known,  the  Brit- 
ish Government  recently  assumed  a  protectorate  over  the 
Fijians.  It  is  not  easy  to  explain  precisely  what  a  protec- 
torate is,  but  there  is  no  difficulty  in  understanding  its 
results.  When  the  British  Government  becomes  the  pro- 
tector of  an  Indian  or  Polynesian  nation,  that  nation's 
property  immediately  passes  into  the  hands  of  British 
agents,  and  the  natives  are  notified  to  call  at  the  collector's 
office  and  pay  their  taxes.  It  will  thus  be  seen  that  there 
is  a  wide  difference  between  protecting  and  conquering 
a  country,  and  good  men  are  delighted    to  find  that  the 


AN  INCOXSIDERATE  GIFT.  4^ 

former  course  is  now  uniformly  preferred  to  the   latter  by 
the  British  Government. 

As  has  been  said,  the  Fiji  Island?  have  passed  under 
the  protection  of  Great  Britain,  and  as  one  of  the  conse- 
quences of  this  political  change,  the  Fijian  King  has  been 
relieved  to  some  extent  of  the  duty  of  personally  eating  his 
plumper  subjects.  Being  thus  at  leisure,  and  needing  to  dis- 
tract his  attention  from  the  emptiness  of  his  larder,  he  has 
investigated  the  workings  of  the  missionary  system  in  his 
dominions,  and  has  become  filled  with  admiration  for  the 
noble  and  devoted  missionaries.  In  the  days  when  he 
was  well  fed,  this  monarch  cared  nothing  for  the  aver- 
age missionary,  and  was  accustomed  to  remark  that  the 
pretence  that  a  missionary  had  a  peculiarly  delicate  flavor 
was  all  nonsense,  and  that  for  his  part  he  preferred  the 
simple  citizen  of  his  own  country,  roasted  by  a  native  cook, 
to  the  best  of  the  high-priced  British  or  American  viands 
that  self-styled  epicures  pretended  to  admire.  Now,  how- 
ever, he  looks  upon  the  missionary  with  hungry  and  unpre- 
judiced eyes,  perceives  that  the  men  who  have  sacrificed 
everything  to  come  and  teach  his  savage  subjects  are  de- 
serving of  the  utmost  gratitude  and  honor  that  he  can  give 
them.  Especially  does  he  admire  the  efforts  of  the  Lon- 
don Missionary  Society,  which  in  his  opinion,  sends  out  a 
finer  quality  of  missionary  than  any  other  society  has  sent ; 
and  as  a  proof  of  his  high  opinion  of  this  noble  organiza- 
tion he  has  just  sent  to  its  chairman  seven  young  and 
valuable  wives,  accompanied  by  a  polite  note  begging  the 
chairman's  acceptance  of  the  trifling  gift. 

Of  course,  there  are  those  who  will  suspect  that  the 
Fijian  King  entertains  a  vague  hope  of  throwing  off  the 
British  protectorate,  and  that  he  wants  to  provide  himself 
with  materials  for  a  banquet  in  celebration  of  that  event. 
There  is,  however,  really  no  sufficient  reason  for  thus  doubt- 
ing the  disinterested  motives  of  the  king.  He  says  that 
he  admires  the  London  Missionary  Society,  and  feels  kindly 
towards  its  chairman.  It  would  be  unkind  to  look  seven 
gift  wives  in  the  mouth,  and  to  impute  a  hungry,  instead  of 
honorable,  motive  to  the  giver  ;  and  it  would  be  grossly  dis- 
courteous to  intimate  that  a  king  does  not  tell  the  trulh. 


46  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

If,  as  is  alleged,  these  seven  young  and  confiding  wives 
are  now  on  their  way  to  London,  the  question  arises  what 
will  the  chairman  of  the  society  do  when  they  reach  him  ? 
If  they  are  delivered  at  his  door  by  the  express  company 
d\iring  his  absence  from  home,  his  original  v/ife  will  prob- 
ably leave  them  standing  in  the  hall  to  wait  his  return,  and 
will  promptly  betake  herself  to  her  father's  house,  a  prey 
to  poignant  doubts  as  to  the  real  results  of  missionary 
labor.  If  the  chairman  is  at  home,  and  receives  the  seven 
wives  himself,  he  will  find  it  a  difficult  task  to  explain  mat- 
ters to  his  wife's  satisfaction,  even  if  he  takes  refuge  in 
prevarication,  and  alleges  that  the  wives  have  been  con- 
signed to  him  purely  for  instruction,  or  that  they  are 
intended  for  Mr.  Spurgeon,  or  some  other  friend.  No 
matter  how  astutely  he  endeavors  to  smooth  over  the  mat- 
ter, he  cannot  expect  a  British  matron  to  believe  that  when 
her  husband  has  a  package  of  seven  wives  openly  deliv- 
ered at  his  front  door,  he  is  conducting  himself  in  a  way 
that  deserves  her  affection  and  respect. 

If  the  unhappy  chairman  refuses  to  receive  the  king's 
present,  and  leaves  the  seven  young  Fijians  upon  the  hands 
of  the  express  company,  he  will  be  guilty  of  exposing  his 
heathen  fellow-creatures  to  misery  and  starvation.  The 
express  company  will  not  undertake  to  support  seven  hun- 
gry young  women,  and  the  police  will  never  permit  them 
to  appear  on  the  streets  clad  in  the  simple  garb  of  their 
native  land.  The  chairman  of  a  missionary  society  who 
ignores  the  Fijian  at  his  own  front  door  cannot,  with  any 
consistence,  pretend  to  care  for  the  Fijian  ten  thousand 
miles  away.  Either  he  must  accept  the  king's  present  at 
the  price  of  the  ruin  of  his  domestic  peace  or  he  must  refuse 
it  and  ruin  his  reputation  as  a  consistent  supporter  of  the  mis- 
sionary cause.  It  is  seldom  that  an  excellent  and  deserv- 
ing man  is  put  in  so  perplexing  and  dangerous  a  predica- 
ment. 

It  is  said  that  the  Fijian  King  was  duly  warned  by  the 
British  Admiral  that  the  chairman  of  the  London  Missionar)^ 
Society  would  not  be  permitted  to  marry  the  seven  gratuitous 
wives.  "  Then  let  him  eat  them,"  was  the  generous  mon- 
arch's reply.  Of  course,  the  chairman  cannot  do  this  without 


POCKETS.  ^j 

creating  remark,  and  perhaps  incurring  llie  condemnation 
of  the  stricter  part  of  the  press.  There  really  seems  to  be 
no  wayoLitof  liis  difficulties  except  that  of  immediate  flight 
to  some  region  where  the  express  business  is  unknown.  Let 
him  take  his  family  and  instantly  emigrate  to  Greenland. 
There  he  can  cool  his  excited  brain,  and  pass  the  remain- 
der of  his  clays  in  striving  to  forgive  the  generous  but  in- 
considerate monarch  who  has  buried  his  reputation  under 
an  avalanche  of  wives. 


POSKETS. 

A  LONDON  magistrate  lately  told  a  woman  whose  pocket 
had  been  picked,  that  if  women  would  change  the  position 
and  plan  of  their  pockets,  they  would  not  so  frequently 
suffer  from  the  depredations  of  light  -  fingered  thieves. 
This  was  a  judicial  opinion  of  remarkable  acuteness  and 
exceptional  value,  in  so  far  as  it  indicated  the  true  reason 
why  women  are  the  favorite  prey  of  pickpockets.  Still,  it 
is  one  thing  to  point  out  an  evil  that  deserves  to  be  remedied, 
and  quite  another  to  designate  the  remedy.  The  court 
which  denounced  the  present  female  substitute  for  a  pocket 
did  not  suggest  any  practicable  improvement  upon  it,  and, 
indeed,  it  is  doubtful  if  any  man  who  is  not  a  professional 
scientific  person  is  fully  capable  of  dealing  with  so  difficult 
a  question. 

Man  is  marsupial,  and  herein  he  is  broadly  distinguished 
from  woman.  Nature  has  provided  man  with  pockets  in 
his  trousers,  his  waistcoat,  and  his  coat.  The  number  is 
not  always  the  same,  some  men  having,  in  the  aggregate, 
twelve  distinct  pockets,  great  and  small,  while  others  have 
only  eight  or  nine  ;  but  a  man  totally  without  pockets 
would  be  a  /us/is  naturce.  It  is  remarkable  that  pockets  are 
not  congenital,  but  are  slowly  developed  during  childhood 
and  youth.  The  trousers-pockets,  which  are  earliest 
developed,  seldom  make  their  appearance  before  the  fifth 
year,  and   one  of  these   usually  comes  to  maturity  ten  or 


48  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

twelve  months  before  its  fellow.  About  the  eighth  year  a 
male  child  develops  two  and  sometimes  three  coat-pockets, 
and  two  years  later  the  lower  waistcoat-pockets  appear.  Na- 
ture then  pauses  in  her  work,  and  it  is  not  until  tha  four- 
teenth year  that  the  small  fob-pockets  of  the  waistcoat  and 
the  watch-pocket  of  the  trousers  are  developed.  The  appear- 
ance of  the  pistol-pocket  and  the  two  coat-tail-pockets  is 
usually  synchronous  with  the  cutting  of  the  wisdom  teeth. 
When  these  have  reached  maturity,  the  nornial  develop- 
ment of  pockets  ceases — for  the  comparatively  recent  dis- 
covery of  isolated  specimens  of  men  with  pockets  in  the 
sleeves  of  their  overcoats,  apparently  designed  for  stowing 
away  female  hands,  does  not  as  yet  warrant  any  change 
in  the  scientific  classification- and  description  of  human 
pockets. 

Of  the  uses  of  the  pocket  it  is  unnecessary  to  speak, 
since  we  are  all  familiar  with  them.  It  may,  however,  be 
safely  asserted  that  without  pockets  men  would  never  have 
emerged  from  barbarism.  Hankerchiefs,  pen-knives,  money, 
tobacco,  latch-keys — those  articles  the  presence  of  which 
is  essential  to  civilization,  and  the  absence  of  which  con- 
stitutes barbarism — manifestly  could  not  exist  in  any  use- 
ful form  had  not  beneficent  nature  endowed  us  with 
pockets.  It  is  a  significant  fact  that  the  higher  a  man 
rises  in  the  scale  of  civilization,  the  more  numerous  become 
his  pockets.  The  red  man  has  no  pocket  whatever ;  the 
Turk  has  two  pockets  ;  the  people  of  the  south  of  Europe 
have  rarely  more  than  five,  while  the  man  of  Anglo-Saxon 
blood  has  nine,  or — counting  those  in  his  overcoat — ten 
well  -  defined  and  practicable  pockets.  Representative 
government,  fine-cut  tobacco,  trial  by  jury,  and  revolving 
pistols  are  the  precious  inheritance  of  the  nine-pocketed 
races.  Ignorance,  superstition,  and  a  general  assortment 
of  miseries  are  the  lot  of  those  who  have  not  developed 
more  than  four  or  five  pockets. 

Why  nature  constructed  woman  without  true  pockets  it 
does  not  become  us  to  inquire,  although  the  fact  might 
easily  be  interpreted  as  an  evidence  that  women  are  not 
designed  to  become  the  military  or  civil  leaders  of  man- 
kind.    It  is   sufficient  for  us  to  know  that  the  pocket,  in 


POCKETS.  4g 

the  scientific  sense  of  the  term,  is  the  monopoly  of  the 
male  sex,  for  it  is  not  yet  established  that  even  Dr.  Mary 
Walker  has  developed  a  really  masculine  pocket.  Emu- 
lous of  the  more  gifted  sex,  women  have  striven  to  supply 
the  deficiencies  of  nature  by  art,  and  boldly  claim  that  the 
mysterious'  and  unseen  bags  which  they  carry  concealed 
about  their  persons  are  virtually  pockets.  On  this  point 
the  distinguished  anatomist  Cuvier  says  :  "  The  capacious 
muslin  organ  generally  called  the  female  pocket  has  none 
of  the  essential  characteristics  of  the  true  pocket.  It  is 
situated  a  little  lower  than  the  placquet,  and  forms  a  cul- 
de-sac.,  to  which  the  placquet  serves  as  the  entrance.  It 
may  be  removed  by  the  knife  without  any  perceptible 
effect  upon  the  health,  and  it  is  plainly  artificial  and  ex- 
traneous." The  same  opinion  is  held  by  all  educated  anat- 
omists, and,  though  we  may  admit  that  the  so-called 
female  pocket  is  capable  of  containing  a  large  amount  of 
handkerchiefs,  candy,  hair-pins,  and  other  necessities  of 
feminine  existence,  its  real  character  as  a  commonplace 
bag  ought  not  to  be  concealed  under  the  pretentious  title 
of  pocket. 

From  the  nature  of  its  construction,  this  bag  is  so  easy 
of  access  to  the  shameless  pickpocket  that  he  looks  upon 
it  in  the  light  of  a  storehouse,  in  which  is  laid  up  for  his 
especial  benefit  portable  property  of  more  or  less  value. 
No  one  M'ill  dispute  the  dictum  of  the  London  court,  that 
women  who  place  their  purses  in  these  pseudo  pockets 
invite  pickpockets  to  steal  them  ;  but  what  other  device 
can  they  substitute  for  the  inefficient  muslin  bag  1  To 
require  a  woman  to  develop  pockets  without  a  basis  of 
trousers,  waistcoat,  or  coat,  would  be  more  cruel  than  was 
Pharaoh's  request  that  the  Hebrews  would  make  bricks 
without  straw.  Women  who  desire  artificial  pockets  are 
limited  to  the  use  of  the  treacherous  muslin  bag,  and  the 
locality  in  which  it  is  now  worn  is  declared  by  competent 
comparative  anatomists  to  be  the  only  one  where  such  an 
appendage  could  be  securely  placed,  and  remain  at  the 
same  time  easily  accessible.  The  only  way  out  of  the 
difficulty  is  for  women  to  abandon  the  vain  effort  to  emulate 
marsupial  man,  and  to  lay  aside  their  muslin   bags.     Thus 

4 


c  o  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

will  tbey  remove  temptation  from  the  pickpocket,  and 
prove  themselves  capable  of  accepting,  without  a  murmur, 
the  mysterious  law  of  nature,  which  lavishes  pockets  upon 
one  sex  and  withholds  them  inexorably  from  the  other. 


THE  KENTUCKY  METEORS. 

One  day  Mrs.  Crouch,  of  Olympian  Springs,  Ky.,  was 
employed  in  the  open  air  and  under  a  particularly  clear 
sky,  in  the  celebration  of  those  mysterious  rites  by  which 
the  housewife  transmutes  scraps  of  meat,  bones,  and  effete 
overshoes  into  soap.  Suddenly  there  descended  upon  her 
a  gentle  shower  of  meat.  It  fell  impartially  upon  the  pre- 
sumably just  Mrs.  Crouch  and  her  unjust  cat,  and  the  lat- 
ter, conceitedly  assuming  that  at  last  his  merits  had  been 
signally  recognized,  immediately  gorged  himself  with  the 
public  breakfast  so  unexpectedly  tendered  to  him.  The 
meat  was  served  in  the  shape  of  hash,  and  its  particles 
ranged  in  size  from  a  delicate  shred  as  light  as  a  snow- 
flake  to  a  solid  lump  three  inches  square.  It  was  in  a 
raw  state,  but  it  was  obviously  perfectly  fresh.  Two  Ken- 
tucky gentlemen  in  prosperous  circumstances,  and  accus- 
tomed to  eating  meat,  tasted  it  and  pronounced  the  opinion 
that  it  was  either  venison  or  mutton  ;  and  the  greater  part 
of  the  State  of  Kentucky  is  probably,  at  this  moment, 
covered  with  baskets  and  tubs,  which  have  been  placed  in 
the  open  fields  in  readiness  to  catch  the  next  shower  of  at- 
mospheric hash. 

Whence  came  this  remarkable  rain  ?  It  had  not  been 
predicted  by  the  Weather  Bureau,  and  it  could  not  have 
been  the  result  of  the  blowing  up  of  a  distant  boarding- 
liouse  inasmuch  as  no  trace  of  bones,  buttons,  and  other 
components  of  the  hash  of  commerce  could  be  discovered 
by  the  most  searching  analysis.  The  most  obvious  con- 
clusion is  that  the  Kentucky  shower  of  meat  was  really  a 
meteoric  shower.  According  to  the  present  theory  of  as- 
tronomtirs,  an  enormous  belt  of  meteoric  stones  constantly 


THE  KENTUCKY  ME  TEORS.  ^  i 

revolves  around  the  sun,  and  when  the  earth  comes  in 
contact  with  this  belt  she  is  soundly  pelted.  Similarly,  we 
may  suppose  that  there  revolves  about  the  sun  a  belt  of 
venison,  mutton,  and  other  meat,  divided  into  small  frag- 
ments, which  are  precipitated  upon  the  earth  whenever  the 
latter  crosses  their  path.  Of  course,  the  scientific  persons 
will  sneer  at  this  explanation,  inasmuch  as  tiiey  have  not 
been  the  first  to  propose  it,  and  will  deny  that  there  are 
any  grounds  whatever  for  a  belief  in  the  existence  of  cos- 
mical  meat.  But  if  they  believe  in  a  hypothetical  belt  of 
meteoric  stones,  simply  because  certain  stones  occasionally 
fall  upon  the  earth's  surface,  why -should  they  not  believe 
in  a  possible  belt  of  fresh  meat,  now  that  particles  of  veni- 
son and  mutton  have  fallen  on  Mrs.  Crouch  and  her 
appreciative  cat  ?  If  they  revive  the  theory — now  generally 
abandoned — that  the  meteoric  stones  are  fragments  of  an 
exploded  planet,  then  we  may  require  them  to  admit  that 
the  Kentucky  shower  consisted  of  fragments  of  exploded 
inhabitants  who  formerly  occupied  the  wrecked  planet. 
Doubtless,  their  final  argument  will  be  that  their  instru- 
ments show  them  no  traces  of  meat  in  the  solar  system  or 
the  interstellar  spaces.  This  is  very  true,  but  so  far  from 
upsetting  the  belt  theory,  it  merely  shows  that  new  instru- 
ments of  wider  powers  must  be  invented. 

There  is  an  obvious  need  of  an  improved  spectroscope 
which  will  exhibit  the  appropriate  lines  for  beef,  mutton, 
venison,  poultry,  and  fish  as  plainly  as  the  present  spec- 
troscope shows  the  lines  of  hydrogen,  magnesium,  and 
other  chemical  elements.  With  such  instruments,  combined 
with  a  telescope  sufficiently  powerful  to  make  visible  the 
hypothetical  meat  belt,  we  might  obtain  some  really  satis- 
factory astronomical  knowledge.  The  Signal  Service  Bu- 
reau could  learn  at  what  time  to  look  for  showers  of  meat, 
and  could  announce  them  with  the  same  confidence  with 
which  it  now  occasionally  prophesies  "  clear  or  cloudy 
weather."  If  we  should  read  under  the  head  of  "probabil- 
ities," that  "  light  showers  of  beefsteak  may  be  looked  for  in 
the  New-England  and  Middle  States  during  the  morning, 
followed  by  a  heavy  rain  of  mutton  in  the  afternoon,"  we 
could  abstain  from  visiting  the  market,  and  could,  instead, 


52 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


spread  out  a  sheet  on  the  roof  and  lay  in  a  week's  supply 
of  butcher's  meat.  Such  predictions  would,  of  course,  be 
based  upon  the  increased  brilliancy  of  the  spectroscopic 
lines  of  beef  and  mutton.  These  lines  would  naturally 
grow  brighter  as  the  earth  neared  the  meat  belt,  and  if  the 
orbit  of  the  belt  were  once  thoroughly  known,  we  could 
predict  meat  showers  with  the  same  certainty  with  which 
the  August  and  November  meteoric  showers  are  now  pre- 
dicted. 

When  once  the  scientific  men  accept  the  hypothesis  of 
cosmical  meat  they  will  tell  us  what  a  grand  and  solemn 
thought  it  is,  that  at  the«  distance  of  whole  slates  full  of 
figures,  vast  nebulae  of  finely  comminuted  meat  are  circling 
steadily  around  the  sun.  They  will  tell  us  how  astrono- 
mers, profoundly  learned  in  chalk  and  blackboards  and 
filled  full  to  the  lips  with  logarithms  and  long  division,  saw 
that  the  falling  of  meat  on  the  head  of  Mrs.  Crouch  and 
her  hungry  cat  postulated  the  existence  of  a  meat  belt,  and 
thereupon  calculated  its  orbit  and  its  periodic  time  with  an 
assiduity  that  immediately  raised  the  price  of  chalk  crayons. 
At  present,  however,  they  will  hoot  at  the  very  theory 
which  they  will  ultimately  adopt,  and  will  put  forward 
feeble  hypotheses  of  the  explosion  of  a  cattle  steam-boat,  or 
the  tying  of  a  can  of  nitro-glycerine  to  a  large  dog's  tail, 
in  order  to  account  for  the  meteoric  phenomenon  which 
has  alarmed  the  Kentucky  butchers,  and  filled  all  other 
Kentuckians  with  amazement  and  delight. 


GLASS  EYES. 

Of  course,  there  are  advantages  in  having  a  wife  with  a 
glass  eye.  It  confers  a  certain  distinction  upon  the  hus- 
band. Wives  without  glass  eyes  are  exceedingly  common, 
but  there  is  not  one  man  in  ten  thousand  who  can  proudly 
mention  that  he  possesses  a  wife  with  a  glass-eye  attach- 
ment. Then,  too,  the  glass-eyed  wife  has  a  never-failing 
resource  for  quieting  a  noisy  infant.     The    most  vicious 


GLASS  EYES. 


53 


baby  living — one  that  habitually  bears  false  witness  in  re- 
gard to  the  alleged  presence  of  imaginary  pins,  and  who  is 
addicted  to  an  indulgence  in  midnight  colic — could  not  fail 
to  be  instantly  soothed  into  smiles  by  being  permitted  to 
scoop  out  its  mother's  eye.  To  the  Central  African  ex- 
plorer the  companionship  of  a  wife  with  a  glass  eye  would  be 
simply  invaluable.  He  would  endear  himself  to  the  native 
husbands  by  occasionally  knocking  out  his  wife's  eye  with 
every  apparent  sign  of  marital  indignation,  and  could  thus 
challenge  popular  admiration  as  a  husband  of  great  intel- 
ligence and  decision  of  character  without  giving  the  slightest 
physical  pain  to  his  beloved  companion.  Employed  as  a 
bribe,  a  glass  eye  would  buy  the  alliance  of  every  native 
king  on  the  whole  continent ;  and  if  Sir  Samuel  Baker  had 
been  equipped  with  a  glass-eyed  wife  at  the  time  when 
King  Kamrasi  admired  the  bright  eyes  of  Lady  Baker, 
and  suggested  that  he  would  accept  her  as  a  present,  the 
distinguished  explorer  could  have  gratified  the  monarch, 
and  still  retained  possession  of  the  greater  part  of  his  wife, 
by  merely  removing  her  glass  eye  and  presenting  it  to  his 
majesty.  And  yet,  in  spite  of  the  many  apparent  advan- 
tages which  accrue  to  the  husband  of  a  wife  with  a  glass 
eye,  there  must  be  more  than  compensating  disadvantages  ; 
for  a  Rochester  man  has  just  begun  a  suit  for  divorce  on 
the  ground  that  his  wife  has  a  glass  eye  which  inflicts  un- 
endurable torments  upon  him. 

The  chief  cause  of  complaint  specified  by  this  unfortu- 
nate man  is  the  fact  that  his  wife  sleeps  with  her  glass  eye 
wide  open.  At  first  sight  this  may  seem  a  trivial  matter, 
but  a  little  reflection  will  lead  us  to  deeply  sympathize  with 
the  aggrieved  husband.  It  is  not  pleasant  for  a  man  to 
return  home  from  a  political  meeting  at  2  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  knowing  that  however  softly  he  may  remove  his 
innumerable  boots,  or  however  skilfully  he  may  avoid 
tumbling  over  the  chairs  on  which  he  had  deposited  his  hats, 
the  sleepless  glass  eye  of  his  wife  will  gleam  in  the  light  of 
the  two  bedroom  candles,  and  follow  his  wandering  move- 
ments  with  a  pitiless  glare.  The  most  sober  of  men  can- 
not awake  in  the  stillness  of  the  night  and  feel  quite  at 
ease  when  he  finds  a  glass  eye  watching  him  as  sternly  as 


5  4  ^^/A"  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

though  the  owner  knew  all  about  his  rash  bet  on  the  elec- 
tion, and  was  waiting  to  hear  him  explain  how  a  man  who 
had  refused  to  buy  a  new  parlor  carpet  could  justifiably 
throw  away  his  money  in  gambling.  At  any  rate  the  Roches- 
ter husband  found  that  his  nerves  were  rapidly  becoming 
shattered  under  the  constant  nocturnal  watching  to  which 
he  was  subjected,  and  after  having  tried  every  possible 
means  to  keep  his  wife's  eye  closed,  he  has  now  come  to  lay 
his  woes  before  an  impartial  jury. 

It  can  easily  be  imagined  what  were  the  means  which 
he  had  vainly  used  to  close  that  vigilant  eye.  It  may  not 
have  been  positively  wrong  for  him  to  stealthily  cover  it 
with  a  coat  of  black  paint,  but  he  certainly  ought  to  have 
known  that  no  sleeping  woman  can  have  a  paint-brush 
drawn  over  half  of  her  face  without  waking  up  and  express- 
ing decided  opinions  concerning  the  act.  It  was  also 
natural  that,  after  having  found  that  a  copper  cent  laid  on 
his  wife's  eyelid  would  continually  slip  from  its  position,  he 
should  have  searched  for  some  heavier  weight ;  but  it  was 
a  mistake  to  suppose  that  a  large  lump  of  coal  would  meet 
the  exigencies  of  the  case.  It  was,  of  course,  open  to 
him  to  surreptitiously  possess  himself  of  the  offending  eye 
and  to  hide  it  under  the  pillow  ;  but  after  a  man  has  been 
two  or  three  times  suddenly  awakened  in  the  morning  with 
the  awful  question,  "  What  have  you  done  with  my  eye  ?  " 
he  is  reluctant  to  undergo  any  further  questioning  of  that 
sort.  Whether  there  really  is  any  effective  and  legitimate 
method  which  a  tender  husband  can  employ  to  keep  his 
wife's  glass  eye  closed  at  night,  is,  perhaps,  doubtful ;  but 
it  is  very  certain  that  the  man  who  can  stealthily  try  to 
close  his  wife's  eye  with  mucilage  lias  no  adequate  con- 
ception of  the  holiness  of  the  marriage  relation,  and  cannot 
be  held  to  come  into  a  divorce  court  with  clean  hands. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  in  the  interest  of  public  morals  that 
the  Rochester  husband  will  lose  his  suit  ;  for  if  he  gains 
it,  our  courts  will  swarm  with  suitors  seeking  divorces.  If 
a  glass  eye  is  adjudged  a  sufficient  cause  for  divorce,  there 
would  be  no  reason  for  refusing  to  grant  a  separation  to  a 
wife  whose  husband  is  guilty  of  false  teeth,  or  an  absolute 
divorce  to  a  husband  whose  wife  is  habitually  addicted  to  a 


AIR.  LOA'G.  .  2^ 

wooden  leg.  -  In  spite  of  the  fact  that  this  would  illustrate 
the  great  doctrine  of  the  survival  of  the  fittest,  and  would 
tend  to  prevent  glass  eyes  and  wooden  legs  from  becoming 
hereditary,  it  would  loosen  the  marriage  tie  to  an  extent 
which  no  thoughtful  man  can  contemplate  without  serious 
alarm. 


MR  LONG. 

Few  discoveries  have  been  made  which  compare  in 
importance  with  that  recently  made  by  Mr.  Long,  of 
Alameda  County,  Cal.  Much  credit  has  properly  been 
given  to  ChampoUion  for  his  graceful  translations  of 
Egyptian  obelisks,  and  to  Mr.  Layard  for  his  spirited 
versions  of  Assyrian  public  documents.  Still,  not  only  did 
these  eminent  men  undertake  tasks  far  easier  than  that  to 
which  Mr.  Long  has  successfully  devoted  his  days  and 
nights,  but  their  achievements  were  of  comparatively  little 
value.  The  Egyptian  king  who  published  his  autobiogra- 
phy in  two  or  three  large  obelisks  full  of  hieroglyphics 
could  not  have  had  anything  to  say  worth  saying,  or  he  would 
not  have  written  in  a  style  of  which  angular  monkeys  and 
hawk-headed  idols  form  conspicuous  features  ;  while,  as  for 
remarks  made  exclusively  in  arrow-heads,  we  might  have 
expected  that  they  would  be  characterized  by  an  oppress- 
ive sameness.  But  while  Mr.  Long  has  accomplished 
a  philological  feat  of  absolutely  unprecedented  difficulty, 
he  has  also  opened  to  mankind  a  field  of  knowledge  the 
importance  of  which  cannot  be  over-estimated.  Hencefoith 
the  name  of  Long  will  stand  first  on  the  list  of  great  dis- 
coverers, and  his  fame  will  be  even  above  the  rivalry  of 
the  future  translator  of  the  Etruscan  inscriptions. 

Every  intelligent  man  who  has  had  the  privilege  of 
being  admitted  on  terms  of  inthnacy  into  the  best  horse 
and  dog  circles  has  been  thoroughly  convinced  that  those 
excellent  animals  possess  languages  of  their  own  in  which 
they  converse   as  freely,  if  not  as  frivolously,  as  men   con- 


5  6  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

verse  in  human  speech.  It  has  been  reserved  for  Mr. 
Long  to  demonstrate  the  truth  of  this  opinion,  and  to  fully 
master  the  sonorous  and  dis^nified  lans^uao^e  of  the  horse. 
Mr.  Long  was  for  many  years  a  horse  educator,  and  natu- 
rally learned  to  love  and  respect  his  equine  friends.  So 
greatly  did  he  estimate  the  value  of  horse  society  that  of 
late  years  he  has  taken  up  his  residence  in  a  stable  where 
he  eats  and  sleeps  in  company  with  the  most  eminent  local 
horses.  He  had,  moreover,  a  nobler  object  than  that  of 
being  a  recognized  member  of  the  first  horse  circles  of 
California.  Long  ago  he  set  himself  resolutely  to  learn 
the  horse  language,  and  he  now  asserts  that  he  can  not 
only  perfectly  understand  every  remark  that  falls  from  a 
horse's  lips,  but  he  can  join  in  the  conversation  of  cultiva- 
ted horses  with  as  much  ease  as  though  he  had  been  born 
a  horse  and  brought  up  exclusively  in  a  stable.  This 
claim  he  has  apparently  made  good  by  permitting  his  hu- 
man friends  to  listen  to  him  when  conversing  with  horses, 
and  it  is  the  firm  conviction  of  the  human  public  of  Alameda 
County  that  Mr.  Long  has  virtually  broken  through  the 
barrier  that  has  hitherto  separated  men  and  horses,  and 
that  the  time  is  at  hand  when  horse  language  will  be  taught 
in  our  common  schools  and  when  horses  will  admit  us  to 
their  society  on  terms  of  perfect  equality.  Of  course,  if 
Mr.  Long  can  learn  the  horse  language  he  can  also  learn 
the  languages  spoken  by  other  animals,  and  we  may  ex- 
pect to  find  him  barking  cheerfully  with  his  dogs,  and 
mewing  with  the  better  class  of  cats.  That  he  will  impart  his 
method  of  studying  these  languages  to  his  fellow-men  there 
is  every  reason  to  believe.  With  the  aid  of  a  few  learned  men 
he  will  prepare  a  series  of  horse  text-books,  including  a  Horse 
and  Efiglish  Dictionary,  a  First  Horse  Reader,  and  a  New 
Method  of  Learnijig  to  R£ad^  Write,  and  Neigh  Horse.  Sim- 
ilar text-books  will  place  the  means  of  learning  the  dog 
language  and  other  less  important  animal  languages  within 
the  reach  of  every  one,  and  before  very  long  every  young 
ladies'  seminary  will  have  its  regular  dog  Professor,  who 
will  instruct  classes  in  the  Dog  Grammar  and  exercise 
them  in  conversational  barking  while  imparting  to  them 
the  purest  Newfoundland  or  mastiff  accent. 


MR.  LONG.  27 

It  is  inevitable  that  this  grand  disGovery  should  levolu- 
tionize  our  present  relations  with  the  higher  animals. 
There  will  be  no  excuse  for  treating  horses  with  tyranny 
and  violence,  when  we  can  calmly  explain  our  wishes  to 
them,  and  listen  to  their  views  of  the  matter  under  con- 
sideration. We  shall  be  ashamed  to  refuse  the  polite 
request  of  a  faithful  horse  for  a  few  more  oats,  or  the  priv- 
ilege of  pausing  at  the  top  of  a  hill  in  order  to  get  his 
breath,  and  we  shall  remember  with  shame  the  stupidity 
with  which  we  have  been  accustomed  to  regard  his  remarks 
as  mere  meaningless  noises,  which  did  not  deserve  the 
slightest  attention.  It  will  be  a  rare  pleasure 'to  spend  an 
evening  with  an  intelligent  terrier,  and  listen  to  his  views 
as  to  the  best  method  of  extirpating  rats  ;  or  to  hear  from 
a  cultivated  mastiff  the  real  origin  and  symptoms  of  hydro- 
phobia. Whether  the  language  of  cats  will  be  generally 
studied  unless  those  immoral  animals  abandon  the  detest- 
able habit  of  profanity  which  now  renders  their  midnight 
discussions  so  revolting,  even  to  persons  who  cannot 
apprehend  their  precise  meaning,  remains  to  be  seen. 
There  is  nevertheless  no  doubt  that  cats  can  give  us  a  good 
deal  of  valuable  information,  and  can,  perhaps,  teach  us 
how  to  find  our  way  home  across  miles  of  strange  country, 
in  case  we  should  ever  be  kidnapped,  and  carried  away  in 
a  large  bag  or  basket. 

In  addition  to  the  advantages  which  we  shall  obtain 
from  the  mastery  of  the  various  languages  of  domestic 
animals,  we  shall  be  enabled  to  greatly  improve  their  con- 
dition. We  shall  doubtless  be  able  to  reduce  their 
languages  to  writing,  and  teach  the  animals  themselves 
how  to  read.  The  lonely  and  unprofitable  hours  which 
horses  now  spend  in  the  stable  will  become  thoroughly 
delightful  when  a  horse  library  is  placed  within  reach  of 
every  stable;  and  the  time  which  dogs  now  waste  in  sleep  will 
be  employed  in  reading  essays  on  the  art  of  rat-catching, 
and  biographies  of  eminent  dogs  whose  examples  deserve 
to  be  followed.  Even  the  cats  may  be  elevated  by  the  in- 
fluence of  tracts  on  the  sin  of  stealing  cold  meat,  and  by 
sermons  against  the  wickedness  of  bird-killing  and  mouse- 
torturing  ;  while  the  evils  of  profanity  and  dissolute  con- 


^8  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

duct  might  be  forciblT  pointed  out  by  interesting  and  moral 
tales  entitled  "The  Air  Gun  ;  or,  The  Swearer's  Doom," 
and  "  The  Belle  of  the  Back  Fence  ;  or,  The  Terrible  End 
of  a  Giddy  Caterwauler."  Thus  will  the  cause  of  morality 
among  animals  be  powerfully  aided,  and  the  barbarous 
theory  that  they  have  neither  minds  to  be  cultivated  nor 
conscieuces  to  be  enlightened  will  give  way  to  kind  and 
earnest  effort  to  render  them  some  atonement  for  ages  of 
cruelty,  misunderstanding,  and  neglect. 


THE    ROAD   TO   THE   POLE. 

There  prevails  a  difference  of  opinion  as  to  the  possi- 
bility of  reaching  the  North  Pole.  Capt.  Hayes  insists 
that  when  he  visited  the  upper  part  of  Smith's  Sound  he 
saw  a  fine  large  open  sea,  over  which  any  one  could  have 
sailed  to  the  Pole  without  getting  his  feet  wet.  Capt. 
Nares,  on  the  other  hand,  found  that  Hayes'  open  sea 
was  frozen  to  the  depth  of  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet,  and 
had  been  frozen  since  an  early  geological  period.  This 
does  not  necessarily  impugn  Capt.  Hayes'  veracity,  since 
we  have  only  to  suppose  that  the  latter  made  a  slight  error 
in  respect  to  the  date  of  his  journey,  and  that  he  saw  the 
open  Polar  Sea  some  thousands  of  years  ago,  when  it  was 
yet  uncongealed.  Still,  there  is  undoubtedly  a  want  of 
perfect  cordiality  between  the  friends  of  Haye§,  who 
believe  that  the  Polar  Sea  is  navigable,  and  those  of  Nares, 
who  insist  that  the  Pole  is  entirely  inaccessible.  In  these 
circumstances,  another  captain,  to  wit,  Capt.  Howgate,  of 
our  Signal  Service  Bureau,  has  proposed  a  compromise, 
which  provides  a  way  for  reaching  the  Pole  without 
reflecting  upon  the  veracity  of  either  the  American  or  the 
English  explorer.  Capt.  Howgate  assumes  that  the  Polar 
Sea  is  occasionally  open,  as  when  Hayes  saw  it,  and 
occasionally  frozen,  as  it  was  at  the  time  of  Nares'  visit. 
He,  therefore,  proposes  that  twenty  men  should  be  taken 
to  about  the  latitude  of  8i°,  and  left  there  for  three  years 


rilE  ROAD  TO  THE  POLE.  ^^ 

with  instructions  to  wait  until  the  one  hundred  and  fifty- 
feet  of  ice  should  melt  and  enable  them  to  sail  directly  to 
the  Pole. 

This  plan  is  not  onl}^  a  novel  one,  but  it  recommends 
itself  by  its  apparent  fairness.  It  is  also  perfectly  feasible 
up  to  a  certain  point.  For  example,  twenty  men  can  be 
found  at  almost  any  time,  and  vessels  capable  of  carrying 
that  number  to  Smith's  Sound  are  also  attainable.  If 
these  twenty  men  should  be  handcuffed  and  carried  to 
latitude  8i°,  they  could  be  landed  and  left  there,  as  Capt. 
Howgate  proposes.  So  far  there  is  no  great  difficulty  in 
the  way  of  carrying  out  Capt.  Howgate's  plan,  provided 
a  law  were  to  be  passed  authorizing  the  deportation  of 
twenty  hardened  criminals  to  Smith's  Sound.  When,  how- 
ever, we  come  to  the  task  of  inducing  the  twenty  men  to 
leave  their  winter-quarters  and  travel  some  six  hundred 
miles  to  the  Pole,  the  real  ditffcultyof  the  scheme  becomes 
apparent,  and  this  difficulty  will  probably  be  found  to  be 
insuperable. 

Of  course,  the  twenty  convicts  —  for  such  they  will 
virtually  be — would  be  told  that  their  return  at  the  end  of 
three  years  would  depend  solely  upon  their  success  in 
reaching  the  Pole.  When,  at  the  end  of  three  years,  a 
vessel  should  arrive  to  obtain  their  report,  there  is  not  the 
least  doubt  that  they  would  unanimously  insist  that  they 
had  been  to  the  Pole.  How  would  it  be  possible  to  tell 
whether  they  had  told  the  truth  or  not  ?  In  three  years' 
time  twenty  men,  no  matter  how  dull  they  might  be,  could 
agree  upon  a  description  of  the  Pole  which  would  satisfy 
the  most  enthusiastic  expectations.  They  could  decorate 
that  distant  region  with  more  walruses  and  polar  bears 
than  the  most  intoxicated  Esquimaux  ever  dreamed  of. 
They  could  prepare,  with  the  aid  of  a  local  spider,  a  map 
of  their  alleged  route  which  would  elicit  tears  of  delight 
from  the  maker  of  the  Herald's  Central  African  maps  ;  and 
they  could  insist  that  they  had  left  a  tin  box,  containing 
their  autographs,  on  the  very  top  of  the  Pole,  as  a  con- 
vincing proof  that  they  had  been  there.  It  would  be  far 
easier  to  do  this  than  to  actually  make  the  journey,  and 
it  is  idle  to  suppose   that  men,  comfortably  furnished  with 


6o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

warm  huts.  Bibles  in  large  print,  and  all  the  facilities  for 
poker,  would  abandon  these  comforts  in  order  to  undertake 
a  long  and  difficult  journey,  when  it  would  be  so  much 
more  simple  for  them  to  merely  say  that  they  had  done  so. 
Of  course,  in  so  saying,  they  would  be  guilty  of  falsehood  ; 
but  "in  the  extreme  cold  of  140°  below  zero  the  moral  sense 
becomes  somewhat  numb.  Men  who  can  tell  the  truth 
with  comparative  ease  in  a  moderate  temperature  cannot 
be  expected  to  accomplish  that  feat  with  certainty  when 
subjected  to  Arctic  cold.  If  we  can  believe  what  is  written 
here  and  in  England  concerning  Arctic  explorers,  we  must 
concede  this  fact,  and  hence  it  would  be  unreasonable  to 
expect  that  twenty  criminals,  exiled  to  the  far  north,  would 
hesitate  to  gain  their  release  by  a  safe  and  easy  falsehood. 

Although  Capt.  Howgate's  plan,  in  its  present  form,  is 
thus  open  to  a  serious  objection,  it  suggests  what  would 
be  a  really  feasible  plan  for  reaching  the  Pole.  Instead 
of  making  a  single  camp  in  latitude  81°,  a  succession  of 
camps  should  be  made  all  the  way  from  that  point  to  the 
Pole,  at  intervals  of  half  a  mile  from  one  another.  In 
each  of  these  camps  two  or  three  men,  provided  with  a 
few  years'  rations,  should  be  jDlaced,  with  instructions  to 
keep  a  lamp  constantly  burning  in  the  kitchen  window  as 
a  beacon  for  belated  explorers,  and  to  keep  the  sidewalk 
swept  as  far  as  the  next  camp.  The  explorer  who  desired 
to  reach  the  Pole  would  then  have  an  uninterrupted  series 
of  half-mile  stations  all  the  way  to  his  place  of  destination. 
He  could  warm  his  feet  at  one  station,  lunch  at  another, 
and  sleep  at  a  third.  Thus,  by  safe  and  easy  stages,  he 
could  reach  and  discover  the  Pole  and  return  to  Smith's 
Sound  without  difficulty.  The  Arctic  explorer  can  always 
travel  half  a  mile  in  a  given  direction.  Divide  the  distance 
from  Smith's  Sound  to  the  Pole  into  half-mile  walks,  and 
all  the  difficulties  which  are  now  insuperable  would  vanish. 
This  is  undoubtedly  the  true  way  in  which  Arctic  explora- 
tion should  be  conducted,  and  it«is  a  wonder  that  no  one 
has  hitherto  thought  of  it. 

The  building  of  these  half-mile  stations,  and  the  work 
of  supplying  them  with  stores  and  garrisons,  is  a  mere 
matter  of  detail  which  need  not  be  here  discussed.     If  we 


FISH  O  UT  OF  FLA  CE.  6 1 

once  grasp  the  idea  that  in  order  to  reach  the  North  Pole 
men  must  first  be  sent  there  to  make  and  keep  open  a 
path,  the  precise  method  of  carrying  out  this  idea  becomes 
a  matter  of  secondary  importance,  as  to  which  a  broad 
liberty  of  thought  may  be  exercised.  While  it  is  evident 
that  Capt.  Howgate's  twenty  men  would  content  themselves 
with  saying  that  they  had  been  to  the  Pole,  no  such  sub- 
terfuge would  be  possible  in  the  case  of  men  whose  sole 
^business  it  would  be  to  stay  at  these  stations  and  entertain 
explorers.  It  is  just  possible  that  captious  critics  may 
affect  to  find  flaws  in  this  plan,  but  it  would  not  be  rash  to 
assert  that  in  no  other  way  will  the  Pole  ever  be  reached. 
Somebody  must  go  there  and  build  a  fire  and  make  things 
comfortable  before  either  Hayes  or  Nares  will  see  their 
way  clear  to  make  the  journey.  Unless  this  is  done,  the 
sooner  we  cease  to  waste  time  and  lives  in  Arctic  exjDlora^ 
tion  the  better. 


FISH  OUT   OF    PLACE. 

"  It  never  rains  but  it  pours  "  is  a  proverb  so  conspicu- 
ously false  as  regards  the  temperate  zone,  that  we  are  justi- 
fied in  assuming  that  it  must  have  been  the  work  of  some 
Aryan  Franklin  who  issued  a  prehistoric  almanac  on  the 
plains  of  India  in  which  he  inculcated  honesty  and  vague 
meteorological  views  in  homely  Sanscrit.  Nevertheless,  if 
we  limit  the  range  of  the  proverb  exclusively  to  showers  of 
articles  of  diet,  it  becomes  somewhat  more  trustworthy. 
The  recent  shower  of  alleged  mutton  or  venison  in  Ken- 
tucky has  been  followed  up  by  a  shower  of  fish  in  Indiana, 
and  the  Western  people  are  confidently  expecting  hail- 
storms of  dough-nuts,  and  possibly  a  gentle  drizzle  of 
turtle-soup. 

The  Kentucky  meat-shower  still  maintains  its  interest 
in  spite  of  a  weak  attempt  of  a  rash  scientific  person  to 
prove  that  it  consisted  simply  of  the  eggs  of  frogs.  Un- 
fortunately, he  forgot  that  frogs'  eggs  do  not  contain  blood, 
and  hence  his  theory  does  not  account  for  the  sanguinary 


62  SIXTH  COLUMiV  FANCIES. 

appearance  of  the  celestial  Kentucky  meat.  Meanwhile, 
doubt  has  also  been  cast  on  the  mutton  and  venison  theory. 
It  will  be  remembered  that  the  meat  was  tasted  by  two 
Kentucky  gentlemen,  who  asserted  that  it  was  either  mut- 
ton or  venison,  but  who  wisely  forebore  to  decide  which  of 
the  two  it  really  was.  A  terrible  suspicion  has  since  grown 
up  that  the  shower  actually  consisted  of  finel3^-hashed  cit- 
izens of  Kentucky,  who  had  been  caught  up  in  a  whirl- 
wind while  engaged  in  a  little  "  difficulty  "  with  bowie- 
knives,  and  strewn  over  their  astonished  State.  It  is, 
perhaps,  natural  that  this  view  should  be  enthusiastically 
maintained  by  the  swarm  of  coroners  who  instantly  flocked 
to  the  region  of  the  shower,  and  by  the  general  undertak- 
ing sentiment  of  the  country.  So  confident  are  the  cor- 
oners in  their  own  opinion  of  the  affair,  that  they  are 
understood  to  have  olfered  to  send  samples  of  the  meat 
to  King  Kalakaua  and  Prime  Minister  Steinberger  for  den- 
tal analysis.  This  certainly  would  secure  a  fair  test  of  the 
true  character  of  the  meat,  and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the 
proposal  will  be  promptly  carried  into  effect- 

The  Indiana  shower  admits  of  no  such  discussion,  as 
to  its  character,  since  the  fish  of  which  it  was  composed 
w^ere  not  only  perfectly  whole,  but  were,  in  some  cases, 
still  alive.  They  varied  from  one  inch  to  four  feet  in 
length,  and  covered  acres  of  ground,  in  the  neighborhood 
of  the  town  of  Winchester.  At  least  such  is  the  substance 
of  a  telegram  published  in  a  Cincinnati  newspaper,  and  the 
public  mind  shrinks  from  the  suggestion  that  a  Cincinnati 
editor,  living  amid  the  purifying  and  ennobling  influences 
of  pork,  would  knowingly  print  a  false,  or  even  an  exag- 
gerated, statement.  The  Winchester  people  have  not  hith- 
erto been  intimate  with  fish,  and  hence  they  do  not  under- 
take to  specify  the  particular  species  which  so  unexpectedly 
fell  among  them.  Until  some  accomplished  fish  person 
visits  the  scene  and  makes  a  careful  investigation,  we  must, 
therefore,  be  content  to  remain  in  ignorance  whether  the 
Winchester  fish  are  fresh  or  salt  water  fish,  and  whether 
they  have  violated  the  Indiana  game  laws  by  suffering 
themselves  to  be  caught  out  of  season. 

It  cannot  be  denied  that  this  latest  shower  is  more  per- 


FISH  OUT  OF  PLACE.  •  63 

jjlexing  than  its  Kentucky  predecessor.  Kentucky  gentle- 
men are  always  having  little  "  difficulties,"  and  may  at  any 
time  be  caught  up  by  sudden  whirlwinds.  Fish,  on  the 
contrary,  stay  in  the  water,  and  though  they  may  be  tempt- 
ed from  their  element  by  preposterous  artificial  flies,  no 
sportsman  ever  yet  tried  to  fish  with  a  whirlwind*  or  ever 
heard  of  a  fish  rising  to  such  an  absurd  bait.  Moreover, 
we  do  not  hear  of  any  pisciculturist  who  has  missed  a  few 
acres  of  private  fish,  nor  of  any  fish-monger  whose  stock 
in  trade  has  been  blown  away.  It  was  admissible  to  enter- 
tain the  conjecture  that  the  Kentucky  meat  was  cosmic  in 
its  origin,  since  there  is  no  evidence  that  hash  cannot  exist 
in  the  universal  ether.  Fish,  however,  need  water,  and 
there  is  no  astronomer  of  reputation  who  would  entertain 
the'  hvpothesis  of  cosmical  rivers  stocked  with  cosmical 
fish. 

In  these  circumstances,  the  public  mind  naturally  turns 
to  the  scientific  person  who  lately  offered  to  manufacture 
any  desired  climate  by  creating  aerial  vortices  through 
which  cold  or  warm  air  would  pour  down  upon  the  earth. 
Is  he  already  tampering  with  the  atmosphere,  and  are  these 
edible  showers  the  first  results  of  his  ill-directed  meddling  ? 
Ill-directed  it  certainly  is,  for  no  man  with  any  sense  of 
the  fitness  of  things  would  serve  up  meat  first  and  fish 
afterwards.  Why  did  he  not  begin  with  oysters,  and  then 
pass  on  to  soup  and  subsequent  fish  ?  If  he  proposes  to 
continue  this  sort  of  thing,  he  should  show  a  proper  defer- 
ence to  gastronomic  rules.  If  he  is  to  create  whirlwinds 
here  and  vortices  there,  and  to  rain  down  mince-pie  to-day 
and  roast-turkey  to-morrow,  the  Weather  Bureau  should 
suppress  him  without  delay,  and  thus  saveus  from  prandial 
anarchy.  Of  course  the  scientific  person  in  question  .nay 
not  be  the  man  v/ho  is  actually  responsible  for  this  state  of 
things,  and  it  may  be  that  the  Weather  Bureau  itself,  tired 
of  the  monotony  of  distributing  areas  of  depressed  ba- 
rometer in  the  region  of  the  lakes,  and  clear  or  cloudy 
weather  followed  by  light  rains  or  sunshine  in  the  Middle 
States,  has  determined  to  try  the  experiment  of  a  few  din- 
ner and  breakfast  showers.  However  this  may  be,  we 
have  a  right  to  demand  that  some  degree  of  decency  should 


64  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

be  observed  in  the  succession  of  meteorological  food.  To 
fill  the  stomachs  of  the  American  people  at  the  expense  of 
their  morals  would  be  a  wretched  form  of  false  philanthro- 
py. If  to  our  notorious  offences  in  respect  to  boiled  coffee 
and  fried  steak,  and  our  open  and  shameless  indulgence 
in  all  the  varied  forms  of  pie,  we  are  now  to  add  a  national 
contempt  of  the  proper  sequence  of  fish  and  meat,  we  had 
better  resign  forever  our  claim  to  be  classed  among  civil- 
ized nations. 


THE  DECAY  OF  BURGLARY. 

That  the  "  hard  times  "  have  seriously  affected  that 
large  and  enterprising  class  of  our  fellow-citizens,  the  burg- 
lars, there  is  abundant  evidence.  A  marked  change  is 
plainly  perceptible  in  the  manner  in  which  they  do  their 
work.  Formerly  the  burglar  was  usually  an  artist  in  his 
profession,  and  showed  a  conscientious  thoroughness  and 
nicety  in  its  practice.  He  effected  his  entrance  into  a 
house  in  a  dexterous  and  workmanlike  manner,  leaving  no 
broken  glass  or  smashed  panels  to  accuse  him  of  clumsy 
incompetence.  He  knew  what  articles  of  value  to  select, 
and  how  to  avoid  disturbing  the  inmates  of  the  house  by  rude 
and  inconsiderate  noises.  In  no  circumstances  would  he  be 
guilty  of  wanton  and  ungentlemanly  destruction  of  property. 
If  he  found  himself  insulted  with  plated  spoons,  and  mock- 
ed by  oroide  jewehy,  he  never  showed  his  resentment  by 
twisting  the  former  and  stamping  on  the  latter.  If  he  thus 
failed  to  meet  with  any  adequate  reward  for  his  midnight 
toil,  he  simply  withdrew  quietly  and  inoffen:5ively,  and  con- 
tented himself  with  pitying  the  selfish  parsimony  with  which 
householders,  rolling  in  plated  teaspoons,  ignored  the  hard- 
working burglar,  and  left  him  to  suffer  in  silence  the  pangs 
of  disappointed  hope. 

To  this  praiseworthy  burglar  of  former  days  has  suc- 
ceeded the  rude  pretender  to  burglary,  who  cannot  under- 
take the  simplest  job  without  showing  his  incompetence 
and   vulgarity.     He   breaks  into  suburban   houses  by  the 


riTE  DEC  A  Y  OF  BURGLARY. 


65 


primitive  process  of  kicking  out  the  celkar  windows,  and 
scratches  the  matches  with  which  he  lights  his  lantern  on 
the  spotless  parlor  walls.  His  first  idea  is  to  rob  the  re- 
frigerator and  make  a  hearty  meal,  careless  of  the  annoy- 
ance which  he  thus  inflicts  upon  the  thrifty  housewife,  and 
of  the  disgrace  which  he  brings  upon  his  art  by  subordina- 
ting it  to  sensual  gratification.  After  supper  he  makes  an 
exploration  of  the  house,  soiling  the  carpets  with  tobacco 
juice  and  breaking  the  locks  of  desks  and  drawers.  If  he 
finds  nothing  that  is  worth  stealing,  he  expresses  his  brutal 
anger  by  cutting  the  pictures,  scratching  the  piano,  and 
breaking  the  clock.  Before  he  departs  he  usually  manages 
to  fall  over  enough  furniture  to  awaken  the  proprietor,  and 
to  thus  promote  that  want  of  harmony  in  the  domestic  cir- 
cle which  inevitably  occurs  when  a  husband  hesitates  to 
accept  his  wife's  advice  to  go  down  stairs  armed  only  with 
his  night-shirt  and  capture  a  burglar.  The  contrast  be- 
tween this  ruffianly  housebreaker  and  the  skilful  and  accom- 
plished burglar  is  painfully  forced  upon  our  attention  when- 
ever we  read  the  police  reports,  and  thinking  men  natur 
ally  ask  themselves  what  has  been  the  cause  of  this  sad  de- 
terioration which  apparently  involves  the  whole  profession. 

The  root  of  the  evil  lies  in  the  high  prices  which  have 
prevailed  since  the  civil  war.  Formerly  burglars'  tools 
could  be  obtained  at  prices  which  permitted  men  of  mod- 
erate means  to  enter  the  profession.  To-day  a  complete 
set  of  tools  costs  fully  four  hundred  dollars,  and  no  one 
but  a  capitalist  can  equip  himself  for  the  practice  of  burg- 
lary in  an  artistic  and  creditable  way.  It  thus  follows  that 
burglary  has  fallen  into  the  hands  of  "  shysters,"  who  un- 
dertake to  rob  houses  by  the  unaided  light  of  nature,  and 
without  either  burglars'  tools  or  the  knowledge  of  their 
uses,  while  men  who  might  become  able  and  accomplished 
burglars,  were  they  provided  with  suitable  tools^  disdain  to 
rob  with  their  naked  Hands,  so  to  speak,  and  prefer  to  be- 
come gamblers  or  statesmen,  rather  than  to  bring  disgrace 
upon  amore4ionorable  profession  by  using  clubs  or  paving- 
stones  instead  of  centre-bits  and  "jimmies." 

In  order  to  improve  the  condition  of  burglars,  and  re- 
store the  profession  to  its  earlier  excellence,  we  need,  first 

5 


66  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

of  all,  to  remove  the  restrictions  which  the  law  has  uiifairl}^ 
placed  upon  the  manufacture  and  sale  of  burglars'  tools, 
and  which  necessarily  increase  their  market  value.  Plumb- 
ers' tools  are  openly  made  and  soM,  and  gas  manufacturers 
are  permitted  to  supply  that  heaven  and  man  defying  in- 
strument, the  gas-meter,  to  their  victims.  The  law  which 
sanctions  these  things  nevertheless  makes  an  arbitrary  dis- 
crimination against  burglars'  tools,  and  thus,  while  with 
one  hand  it  protects  the  plumber  and  the  gas  manufacturer, 
with  the  other  it  hampers  and  oppresses  the  burglar.  Take 
av/ay  those  offensive  restrictions  and  burglars'  tools  will 
fall  fifty  per  cent,  in  price,  while  a  substantial  victory  will 
be  gained  for  the  great  prmciple  of  free  trade. 

Men  who  have  the  interests  of  burglary  at  heart  will 
not,  however,  be  content  with  merely  securing  the  repeal 
of  an  obnoxious  law.  If  we  wish  to  be  robbed  in  a  skilful 
and  artistic  way,  and  to  avoid  the  annoying  visits  of  inca- 
pable and  vulgar  ruffians,  we  must  encourage  men  with  a 
talent  for  burglary  by  placing  full  kits  of  burglars'  tools 
within  the  reach  of  the  very  poorest.  To  do  this  a  charita- 
ble society  should  be  organized  and  a  plan  of  action  de- 
vised which  should  secure  the  end  in  view,  without  at  the 
same  time  pauperizing  the  burglar.  If  this  is  done,  the 
best  and  brightest  days  of  burglary  will  soon  return,  and 
the  householder  will  have  the  gratification  of  being  robbed 
by  accomplished  artists,  instead  of  the  annoyance  which  he 
now  experiences  at  the  hands  of  the  miserable  pretenders 
who  disgrace  the  profession. 


THE    KIDNAPPED    KLAMATH. 

The  wTCtches  who  captured  little  Charley  Ross  were 
right  in  believing  that  almost  any  sum  of  money  would  be 
paid  by  the  unhappy  parents  for  the  restoration  of  their 
child.  In  this  matter  they  displayed  a  certain  business 
sagacity  which  entitled  them  to  rank  with  the  skilful  brig- 
ands of  Italy  rather  than  with  the  ordinary  thieves  and 
burglars  of  America.     But  what  can  be  said  of  the  stupid 


THE  KIDNAPPED  KLAMA  TIL 


67 


fellows  who  last  April  kidnapped  a  Klamath  Indian,  and 
were  recently  glad  to  let  him  go  again  without  a  parlicle 
of  ransom  ?  Undoubtedly  they  fancied  that  the  mere  fact 
of  kidnapping  gives  a  commercial  value  to  the  kidnapped. 
Herein  they  showed  a  degree  of  folly  worthy  of  the  advo- 
cates of  an  inflated  paper  currency.  The  child  of  loving 
parents  has  for  them  a  real  and  inestimable  value,  but  the 
stray  Khimath  is  totally  devoid  of  any  intrinsic  value 
whatever.  To  impress  the  stamp  of  kidnapping  upon  a 
Klamath" cannot  make  him  valuable,  or  create  the  slightest 
demand  for  him.  There  is  probably  not  an  intelligent  luna- 
tic in  any  well-conducted  asylum  who  does  not  at  once  per- 
ceive the  supreme  folly  of  an  attempt  to  inflate  the  kidnap- 
ping market  with  ragged,  red-backed  Indians. 

The  particular  Klamath  who  was  the  subject  of  this 
kidnapping  stupidity  was  one  of  a  band  of  Modocsand  Kla- 
maths  brought  east  for  purposes  of  exhibition  by  ex-Peace 
Commissioner  Meacham.  The  latter  was  one  of  the  fev/ 
companions  of*Gen.  Canby  who  escaped  the  rifles  of  Capt. 
Jack  and  his  treacherous  followers,  and  he  seems  to  have 
supposed  that  an  exhibition  of  real  Modocs,  and  of  a  real 
Peace  Commissioner  with  real  scalp  wounds,  would  furnish 
a  rational  and  moral  amusement  to  which  all  the  curiosity 
hunters  would  promptly  rally.  On  the  28th  of  April  last 
he  had  his  Indians,  as  he  imagined,  safely  boxed  up  in 
a  New-York  hotel,  but,  on  counting  them  was  dismayed  to 
find  that  one  David  Hill,  called  "for  short"  Walaiks 
Skidat,  was  missing.  As  it  was  certain  that  Mr.  Skidat 
had  not  been  mislaid  by  any  baggage-master,  nor  left  on  the 
seat  of  an  omnibus  by  Mr.  Meacham  himself,  the  latter 
naturally  supposed  that  he  was  merely  temporarily  absent 
either  with  a  view  to  whiskey,  or  for  the  purpose  of  inspect- 
ing the  fine  stock  of  soalps  which  adorn  the  windows  of 
local  hair-dressers.  Days  and  weeks  went  by,  however, 
and  Mr.  Skidat  did  not  appear.  The  police  were  applied 
to  by  Mr.  Meacham,  who,  having  passed  his  life  on  the 
frontier,  naturally  knew  nothing  of  the  New- York  police, 
but  they  failed  to  find  the  missing  Klamath.  Somew^hat 
later  Mr.  Meacham  was  mysteriously  notified  that  certain 
persons  were  ready  to  return  Mr.  Skidat  for  the  small  re- 
ward of  a  thousand  dollars.     These  mysterious  dealers  in 


68  SIXTH  COLUMN  FAiYCIES. 

cheap  aborigines,  however,  failed  to  make  good  their  offer, 
and  all  hope  of  finding  the  unfortunate  Klamath  was  aban- 
doned. Mr.  Meacham  and  his  friends  probably  hired  a 
private  parlor,  and  danced  a  funeral-dance  in  honor  of  the 
departed.  At  all  events  they  never  expected  to  see  him 
again,  and  the  conviction  that  Mr.  Meacham  was  a  careless 
person,  liable  to  mislay  and  lose  Indians  at  any  time,  seems 
to  have  seized  upon  his  Modoc  and  Klamath  friends,  and 
led  them  to  abandon  their  exhibiting  tour,  and  return  hast- 
ily to  their  native  wilds. 

The  experience  of  the  kidnappers  was  at  least  as  un- 
pleasant as  was  that  of  the  kidnapped.  They  had  caught 
their  Klamath,  but  they  found  no  one  anxious  to  buy  that 
sort  of  wild  game.  He  had  to  be  watched  with  the  utmost 
care  lest  he  should  scalp  his  kidnappers,  and  the  expense  of 
supplying  him  with  whiskey  and  war  paint,  in  order  to  keep 
him  in  a  marketable  condition,  must  have  been  very  great. 
To  get  rid  of  him  by  killing  him  was  not  an  easy  task,  since 
the  Sportsman's  Club  would  have  been  pretty  sure  to  pro- 
ceed against  men  who  killed  an  Indian  out  of  season. 
Finally  they  decided  that  the  only  thing  to  be  done  was  to 
let  the  Klamath  loose  again.  Accordingly  they  took  him 
to  the  far  West — probably  in  a  bag — and  opening  the  bag 
on  a  lonely  prairie  requested  him  to  "  scat."  It  is  needless 
to  say  that  he  promptly  obeyed,  and  a  few  weeks  since  he 
turned  up  on  the  Klamath  reservation  very  foot  sore  and 
thirsty,  and  extremely  dissatisfied  with  New  York  and  civ- 
ilization generally. 

If  those  kidnappers  have  any  self-respect  whatever, 
they  must  feel  heartily  ashamed  to  look  in  a  looking-glas?. 
They  went  to  the  trouble  of  kidnapping  an  Indian,  and 
their  only  reward  was  unlimited  anxiety,  and  the  expense  of 
feeding  him  for  four  months.  They  have  undoubtedly 
come  to  the  conclusion  that  they  were  mistaken  in  suppos- 
ing that  their  earthly  mission  is  kidnapping.  "Something  in 
the  pocket-picking  or  sneak-thief  line  is  evidently  the  only 
business  for  which  they  are  fitted.  Unless,  indeed,  they 
can  obtain  engagements  to  make  anti-resumption  political 
speeches,  an  occupation  in  which  their  lack  of  honesty  and 
their  experience  of  practical  inflation  would  make  them 
peculiarly  at  home. 


Tllh  COMING  MAiY. 


69 


THE   COMING   MAN. 

It  is  painful  to  notice  that,  while  the  advocates  of  the 
Darwinian  theory  trace  with  perfect  confidence  the  develop- 
ment of  man  from  his  Simian  ancestors,  they  refrain  from 
pointing  out  the  next  step  jn  his  future  development.  In 
this,  as  in  certain  other  matters,  they  show  a  curious  reluc- 
tance to  openly  acknowledge  the  inevitable  results  of  their 
theory.  The  average  Darwinian,  who  hotly  insists  that  the 
pig  is  not  a  special  creation,  but  that  he  has  been  developed 
by  the  slow  processes  of  nature,  lacks  the  courage  to  pro- 
fess the  same  view  of  the  origin  of  the  pig-pen,  and  not 
only  admits  that  it  is  a  special  creation,  but  also  weakly 
concedes  that  its  existence  implies  that  of  a  conscious 
carpenter.  This  may  be  merely  a  wise  withholding  of  the 
strong  meat  of  development  from  orthodox  babes,  but  it 
certainly  has  very  much  the  look  of  a  cowardly  unwilling- 
ness to  push  logic  to  its  final  goal. 

As  to  the  gradual  changes  which  man  is  undergoing, 
they  are  quite  obvious  to  courageous  and  clear-sighted 
philosophers,  and  plainly  indicate  what  is  to  be  the  next 
stage  in  his  development.  It  has  been  remarked  that  the 
superiority  of  American  dentists  to  all  other  members  of 
the  profession  was  shown  by  the  extraordinary  display  of 
dental  instruments  at  the  Phihadelphia  Exhibition,  if  we 
ask  what  is  the  cause  of  this  superiority, — which,  by  the 
way,  is  generally  conceded  to  be  beyond  cavil, — the  obvious 
answer  is  that  the  American  dentist  fills  more  cubic  feet  of 
cavities  and  draws  more  tons  of  teeth  in  the  course  of  a 
month  than  the  English  or  Continental  dentist  fills  and 
draws  in  a  year.  This  fact,  in  turn,  implies  that  American 
teeth  are  exceptionally  prone  to  decay;  and  there  is  a 
weal'h  of  direct  evidence  of  a  conclusive  character  in  sup- 


yo  SIX 77/  COLUMN  FANC7ES. 

port  of  this  assertion.  At  this  point  the  superficial  thinker 
pauses^  and  imagines  that  he  has  exhausted  the  subject  of 
dentistry  in  America.  It  is  just  here,  however,  that  the 
profound  Darwinian  philosopher  finds  the  clue  to  the  next 
great  physical  change  which  is  to  distinguish  the  man  of  the 
future  from  the  man  of  the  present.  He  sees  that  in  Amer- 
ica we  are  rapidly  develoiDing  a  race  of  men  without  teeth, 
and  that  precisely  as  men  have  laid  aside  their  useless 
primeval  tails,  so  they  are  about  to  drop  their  nearly  use- 
less teeth.  The  man  of  the  future  is,  then,  to  be  a  tooth- 
less animal.  This  much  can  science  deduce  from  the 
apparently  irrelevant  fact  that  the  American  display  of 
dental  instruments  at  Philadelphia  was  wonderfully  and 
exceptionally  fine. 

The  causes  of  the  rapid  disappearance  of  American 
teeth  are  numerous.  We  may  trace  its  first  beginnings  to 
the  universal  habit  of  eating  oysters,  and  the  invention  ot 
canned  vegetables  and  fruits,  and  of  Liebig's  extract  of 
meat.  These  articles  can  be  bolted  by  the  busy  American 
without  calling  in  the  aid  of  his  teeth,  and  the  latter,  in  ac- 
cordance with  the  invariable  law  of  development,  have  grown 
feebler  and  more  infrequent  in  proportion  to  the  constantly 
lessening  demand  upon  their  services.  When  once  the 
decline  of  teeth  began,  it  was  inevitable  that  it  should  pro- 
ceed with  ever-increasing  rapidity.  As  soon  as  good  teeth 
became  exceptional  they  became  unpopular,  and  just  as 
among  lean  women  plumpness  is  held  to  be  vulgar,  so 
among  persons  deficient  in  teeth,  the  opinion  prevails  that 
there  is  something  essentially  indelicate  in  a  mouth  crowd- 
ed with  obvious  and  vigorous  teeth.  Other  causes  tending 
to  the  decline  of  teeth  might  be  mentioned,  but  these  two 
are  doubtless  sufiicient  to  account  for  the  facts  as  they 
now  are. 

The  total  disappearance  of  teeth  will,  of  course,  involve 
changes  in  the  habits  of  mankind.  The  diet  of  the  future 
man  will  consist  chiefly  of  what  the  American  chef  calls 
*'  spoon  vittles,"  and  of  fish.  Oat-meal,  oysters,  and  the 
delicate  brook  trout,  which  melts  in  the  mouth  without  the 
intervention  of  teeth,  will  form  the  food  of  the  coming  man, 
and-as  th^se  articles  supply  nutriment  to  the  brain,  he  will 


THE  COMING  MAN.  yi 

unquestionably  surpass  the  present  variety  of  man  in  brain 
power.  Of  course,  when  the  total  disappearance  of  teeth 
is  predicted,  it  is  not  meant  that  rudimentary  teeth  will  not 
be  found  in  the  human  mouth.  These  will,  however,  be 
of  no  practical  value.  The  human  coat-tail  is  unquestion- 
ably a  reminiscence  of  the  Simian  state,  and  may  be  cor- 
rectly termed  a  rudimentary  tail.  It  is,  nevertheless,  of  no 
possible  use  either  in  point  of  flies  or  as  an  aid  to  climbing 
trees,  and  in  like  manner  such  rudimentary  teeth  as  the 
future  man  may  retain  will  be  wholly  useless  so  far  as 
pie-crust  and  tobacco  are  concerned,  and  will  not  be 
available  for  gnashing  purposes  even  in  the  heat  of  a  po- 
litical campaign. 

Not  only  can  we  thus  confidently  predict  the  devel- 
opment of  toothless  men,  but  we  can  also  assume  that 
the  next  consecutive  stage  of  human  development  will  be 
an  entirely  hairless  one.  Clothing  for  the  body  was 
adopted  prior  to  clothing  for  the  head,  and  as  a  result  the 
furry  coat  of  the  primeval  man  disappeared  before  the 
hair  of  his  head  began  to  give  place  to  the  invading  hat. 
Hair,  however,  is  plainly  doomed.  In  less  than  nineteen 
centuries,  the  long  hair  of  woman,  to  which  St.  Paul  con- 
fidently alludes  as  to  something  which  notoriously  existed, 
has  50  far  vanished  that  were  St.  Paul  now  living,  he  w^ould 
probably  modify  his  original  assertion  by  remarking  that  the 
long  hair  of  woman  is  a  glory  to  her  hair-dealer.  The 
normal  type  of  masculine  hair  is  now  nothing  more  than  a 
thin  fringe  around  the  base  of  the  cranium,  and  even  this 
shows  signs  of  early  disappearance.  We  may  therefore 
unhesitatingly  decide  that  the  future  toothless  man  will 
also  be  hairless,  and  a  very  handsome  and  creditable 
specimen  of  development  he  will  be. 

There  are  not  wanting  certain  evidences,  which  are 
daily  met  on  the  theatrical  stage  and  on  the  public  prome- 
nade, that  the  human  leg  is  to  attain  an  extraordinary  de- 
velopment in  the  near  future.  This,  however,  affords  little 
consolation  to  those  who  cling  fondly  to  teeth,  and  abhor 
absolute  baldness.  Perhaps  the  professional  Darwinian 
cannot  be  blamed  for  his  reluctance  to  tell  us  boldly  to 
what  a  toothless  and  hairless  goal  we  are  steadily  march- 


7  2  S/X TH  COL  UMN-  FA  .VCIES. 

ing.  Perhaps  he  feels  in  his  secret  heart  that  no  man  will 
adopt  the  development  theory  if  he  is  told  that  it  involves 
the  disappearance  of  his  teeth  and  hair.  No  such  devel- 
opment will  satisfy  the  popular  mind,  and  it  is  probably 
better  to  conceal  the  truth  from  the  impulsive  public  than 
to  frankly  tell  them  that  there  will  not  be  a  grain  of  tooth 
or  a  spear  of  hair  among  their  unfortunate  and  helpless 
descendants. 


SPIRITUAL  CANDY. 

Among  recent  ghosts,  a  new  and  useful  variety  of  spec- 
tre which  has  just  appeared  in  Council  Bluffs  deserves  to 
be  noticed.  Spiritualists  desiring  a  quiet,  useful,  family 
ghost,  warranted  to  be  popular  with  the  children  and  with- 
out any  objectionable  habits,  had  better  order  a  Council 
Bluffs  ghost  without  delay.  The  noisy  table-tipping  and 
crockery-breaking  spirits  that  were  so  popular  a  few  years 
ago  have  been  almost  entirely  superseded  by  improved 
ghosts,  which  are  noiseless,  easily  managed,  and  capable  of 
affording  innocent  amusement  to  children  and  weak-minded 
adults.  The  Council  Bluffs  ghost  is  in  all  respects  the 
best  which  has  yet  been  offered  to  the  public,  and  had  it 
only  been  exhibited  at  Philadelphia,  it  would  doubtless 
have  received  a  medal  and  a  certificate  showing  its  superi- 
ority to  all  competitors  as  plainly  as  do  the  certificates 
which  all  the  piano-makers  have  received. 

The  ghost  in  question  is  that  of  a  little  girl  of  excellent 
judgment  in  the  selection  of  candy.  The  members  of  the 
family  with  whom  the  girl  had  been  acquainted  during  her 
lifetime  were  lately  holding  a  domestic  seance  for  the  re- 
ception of  visiting  ghosts,  when  this  nice  little  girl  an- 
nounced that  she  was  present,  and  intended  to  present  one 
of  the  circle  with  a  stick  of  candy.  The  ghost  was  not 
visible,  but  the  candy  was  almost  immediately  placed  in 
the  hand  of  an  astonished  gentleman,  who,  when  the  lamp 
was  lighted,  found  himself  the  happy  possessor  of  an  un- 
doubted stick  of  striped  cand)-. 

An  irreverent  person,  on  being  thus  provided  with  gra- 


SPIRITUAL  CANDY.  73 

tiiitoiis  spiritual  candy,  would  probably  have  eaten  it  and 
demanded  more.  The  recipient  of  the  gift  was,  however, 
an  earnest  Spiritualist,  and  he  knew  better  than  to  rashly 
eat  things  made  in  another  world.  To  all  appearances  the 
candy  was  an  ordinary  stick  of  white  peppermint  candy, 
ornamented  with  spiral  stripes  of  red  paint,  but  as  it  is  im- 
possible to  say  to  what  extent  the  adulteration  of  articles 
of  food  is  carried  in  the  other  world,  it  was  only  prudent 
for  the  earnest  Spiritualist  to  employ  a  small-boy  to  test 
the  candy  before  eating  it  himself.  But  before  a  small-boy 
could  be  procured,  the  curiously  indigestible  nature  of  that 
stick  of  candy  was  unexpectedly  demonstrated.  Instead 
of  becoming  sticky  when  held  in  the  hand,  it  merely  grew 
somewhat  warmer,  and  then  suddenly  transformed  itself 
into  a  rose  of  remarkable  beauty  and  delicious  perfume. 
It  was  at  once  recognized  that  candy  capable  of  such  a 
sudden  and  extraordinary  change  w^as  not  meant  to  be 
eaten  by  any  person  of  value.  Had  it  blossomed  into  a 
rose  when  half  way  down  a  rash  and  irreverent  throat, 
strangulation  would  have  inevitably  resulted.  When  it  be- 
came cool,  the  ghostly  rose  again  resumed  its  saccharine 
form,  and  it  has  since  been  changed  from  a  stick  of  candy 
to  a  rose,  and  back  again  to  its  original  shape,  as  often  as 
any  one  has  tried  the  experiment  of  warming  and  cooling 
it. 

The  superiority  of  this  variety  of  candy  for  domestic 
purposes  will  at  once  be  perceived.  Ordinary  earthly  can- 
dy is  useful  in  persuading  noisy  infants  to  silence,  but  its 
effect  is  merely  temporary,  and  is  followed  by  an  abdominal 
reaction,  which  intensifies  the  very  evil  which  it  was  designed 
to  cure.  A  kind-hearted  man  may  be  boarding  in  a  house 
infested  with  infants  to  such  an  extent  that  peace  of  mind 
by  day  or  sleep  at  night  are  utterly  impossible.  He  may 
go  to  a  confectioner's  and  buy  a  dozen  pounds  of  the  most 
deadly  candy,  and  present  it  to  the  destroyers  of  his  peace. 
What  is  the  result  ?  The  infants  become  preternaturally 
quiet  for  the  space  of  say  half  an  hour,  w^hile  they  devoui 
the  candy,  and  render  the  whole  interior  of  the  house  a 
sticky  conglomerate  of  mutually  adhesive  infants  and  fur- 
niture.    At  the  end  of  this  time  they  announce  with  start 


74 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


ling  unanimity  their  intention  to  indulge  in  colic,  and  be- 
fore their  distracted' mothers  have  soaked  them  loose  from 
the  furniture,  and  filled  them  with  paregoric,  the  house  vi- 
brates from  garret  to  basement  with  their  yells.  Thus  the 
kind-hearted  man  finds  that  he  has  thrown  away  his  money 
and  made  his  condition  even  worse  than  it  was  before. 
He  cannot  even  recover  damages  against  the  confectioner, 
■for  the  latter  will  always  take  the  ground  that  the  candy 
would  have  proved  fatal  had  it  been  administered  in  proper 
doses.  The  truth  is,  that  whatever  confectioners  and  phy- 
sicians may  say,  candy  is  rarely  immediately  fatal.  It  will 
undoubtedly  produce  good  results  if  administered  daily  for 
a  sufficiently  long  time  ;  but  few  men  have  the  patience  to 
wait  for  weeks  until  the  candy  accomplishes  its  perfect 
work. 

Now,  the  good  little  ghost  of  Council  Bluffs  has  made 
us  acquainted  with  a  variety  of  spiritual  candy  from  which 
we  can  confidently  anticipate  the  very  best  results.  Sup- 
pose that  a  good  man  who  wishes  to  reward  his  neighbor's 
small-boy  for  persistent  practice  on  the  drum,  gives  him  a 
stick  of  this  excellent  candy.  The  small-boy  instantly 
places  w^hat  is  scientifically  called  "  a  hunk  "  of  the  candy 
in  his  mouth,  and  tries  to  swallow  it.  The  warmth  of  his 
interior  transforms  it  into  a  rose  while  it  is  in  the  very  act 
of  entering  the  aesophagus.  There  is  a  smothered  cry,  and 
the  small-boy  sinks  to  the  ground,  where  he  quietly  chokes, 
w^hile  the  good  man  goes  cheerfully  on  his  way,  rejoicing 
that  the  ghost  of  Council  Bluffs  has  convinced  him  that 
the  soul  is  immortal,  and  that  there  is  another  world. 
Meanwhile,  as  the  small-boy  gradually  grows  cold  the  rose 
resumes  the  shape  of  candy,  and  the  coroner's  jury  find 
the  unsuspecting  verdict,  "  Choked  with  peppermint  candy." 
Thus  the  benevolent  heart  of  the  good  man  is  made  hap- 
py, and  the  small-boy  ceases  from  drumming  ;  and  for  these 
two  important  results  w^e  have  to  thank  the  good  little 
ghost  of  Council  Bluffs.  It  can  safely  be  predicted  that 
her  candy  wdll  speedily  become  immensely  popular.  It 
will  drive-  earthly  candy  out  of  the  market,  and  supersede 
soothing  syrup  ;  and  will  convince  a  skeptical  world  that 
at  least  one  really  meritorious  ghost  has  at  last  made  hei 
appearance. 


TWO  RECENT  INVENTIONS.  7^ 


TWO  RECENT  INVENTIONS. 

Among  recent  American  inventions  there  are  two  which 
deserve  especial  mention,  not  only  for  the  ingenuity  which 
they  display,  but  for  the  noble  and  philanthropic  purpose 
which  evidently  animated  the  inverttors.  One  of  these  in- 
ventions has  been  already  patented,  and  is  thus  fairly  be- 
fore the  public.  The  other  has  not  yet  been  brought  to 
the  attention  of  the  Patent  Office,  and  the  inventor  deserves 
all  the  more  credit  for  his  obvious  design  of  presenting  it 
as  a  free  gift  to  his  fellow-countrymen. 

The  human  baby  has  heretofore  frequently  called  into 
action  the  ingenuity  of  philanthropic  inventors.  Years 
ago  some  good  and  great  man  invented  the  baby-jumper, 
and  thereby  conferred  a  priceless  benefit  upon  the  nurseries 
of  the  land.  The  baby-jumper  consisted  of  a  frame-work 
depending  from  the  ceiling  of  the  nursery  by  an  elastic 
cord,  and  intended  to  encircle  the  surly  infant  with  a  firm 
but  tender  grasp.  When  a  baby  of  obtrusive  oratorical 
habits  was  placed  in  the  baby-jumper,  the  machine  instantly 
began  to  lift  him  up  and  down  as  the  india-rubber  cord 
contracted  and  stretched.  The  boldest  baby,  no  matter 
how  much  he  may  have  been  fed  upon  ginger-bread,  or  how 
seriously  he  may  have  been  suffering  from  concealed  pins, 
no  sooner  found  himself  executing  this  involuntary  and 
persistent  dance  than  he  forgot  his  desires  and  his  woes, 
and  gradually  yielded  to  incipient  congestion  of  the  brain. 
Strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  baby-jumper  has  latterly  passed 
out  of  use,  owing,  possibly,  to  the  fact  that  occasionally  an 
infant  who  had  been  placed  in  it  and  then  forgotten  by  its 
mother,  was  found  at  the  end  of  twenty-four  hours  so 
thoroughly  shaken  up  that  no  care  or  anatomical  skill  could 
repack  its  internal  organs  in  such  a  way  as  to  induce  them 
to  work  smoothly.  Still,  a  great  deal  of  good  was  unques- 
tionably accomplished  by  the  invention  of  the  baby-jumper, 


76 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


and  the  inventor's  memory  is  still  lovingly  cherished  by 
tired  nurses  and  the  manufacturers  of  infant  coffins. 

The  invention  of  the  baby-pole  is,  however,  a  decided 
advance  upon  that  of  the  baby-jumper.  This  new  device 
consists  of  a  pole,  which  may  be  of  almost  any  length,  to 
one  etid  of  which  is  affixed  a  series  of  straps  so  arranged 
as  to  hold  an  infant  tightly  and  yet  without  the  infliction  of 
any  pain.  When  it  is  desired  to  satisfy  the  longings  of  the 
infantile  spirit  for  the  chandelier  or  the  various  fruits  that 
grow  on  trees,  the  baby  is  fastened  to  the  pole,  and  is  thus 
elevated  until  it  can  grasp  the  object  of  its  desires.  In 
this  way  an  infant  can  be  placed  within  reach  of  cherries 
or  crab-apples,  or  assisted  to  the  easy  acquisition  of  the 
knowledge  that  a  lighted  chandelier  is  more  satisfactory 
when  merely  looked  at  than  it  is  when  brought  in  contact 
with  investigating  and  inexperienced  fingers.  If  the  lower 
end  of  the  baby-pole  is  sharpened,  it  can  be  thrust  into  the 
ground  in  the  neighborhood  of  a  cherry-tree,  and  the  ele- 
vated infant  can  be  left  to  choose  its  own  rate  of  progress 
towards  cholera  morbus.  Thus  innocent  and  improving 
amusement  can  be  furnished  to  energetic  and  restless  ba- 
bies at  very  little  expense  or  trouble,  and  mothers  can  ob- 
tain a  blessed  respite  from  their  wearisome  maternal  cares. 

A  still  further  advantage  possessed  by  the  baby  pole  is 
the  fact  that  it  furnishes  an  infallible  means  of  reducing 
the  loudest  infant  to  immediate  silence.  It  is  generally 
known  that  if  a  hen  be  seized  and  v/hirled  several  times  in 
a  circle  about  the  operator's  head,  the  fowl  will  cease  to 
sing  and  will  apparently  sink  into  a  profound  slumber.  In 
like  manner  it  is  only  necessary  to  whirl  the  infant  attached 
to  the  bab3'-pole  swiftly  through  the  air,  and  it  will  pass 
nto  a  species  of  mesmeric  sleep  so  deep  that  iron  boilers 
might  be  riveted  under  its  very  nose  without  awakening  it. 
It  is,  of  course,  possible  that  nurses  of  a  riotous  disposition 
may  occasionally  use  the  baby-pole,  with  its  appendant 
baby,  as  a  war-club  with  which  to  mow  down  whole  swathes 
of  obnoxious  small-boys,  or  to  chastise  a  personal  enemy ; 
but  such  a  perversion  of  a  noble  invention  would  probably 
seldom  be  made,  since  it  would  be  almost  certain  to  involve 
the  breakage  of  the  baby,  the  value  of  which  would,  in 
most  cases,  be  deducted  from  the  offending  nurse's  wages. 


TWO  RECENT  INVENTIONS.  yy 

The  other  invention  to  which  reference  has  been  made 
is  intended  to  lessen  the  labors  of  those  who  transport  the 
harmless  but  self-willed  hog  to  market.  Nothing  is  more 
difficult  than  to  induce  a  drove  of  hogs  to  cross  a  gang- 
plank into  a  cattle-car  or  on  board  a  steam-boat.  Fre- 
quently, when  a  gang-plank  is  crowded  with  these  whimsical 
animals,  they  will  suddenly  stand  still  and  refuse  to  move 
a  single  inch,  though  entreated  with  boots  and  hand-spikes. 
It  is  for  such  an  emergency  as  this  that  the  hog-bouncer  is 
intended.  That  admirable  invention  consists  of  a  gang- 
plank, divided  in  the  middle  into  two  equal  sections,  con- 
nected with  hinges.  The  section  furthest  removed  from 
the  steam-boat  or  car  is  provided  with  a  powerful  spring, 
which,  when  set  in  action,  throws  it  violently  upward. 
When  the  plank  is  crowded,  and  it  suddenly  occurs  to  the 
hogs  to  pause  and  reflect  upon  the  propriety  of  refusing  to 
go  any  further,  the  spring  is  touched,  the  afterpart  of  the 
plank  flies  up,  and  the  astonished  hogs  are  shot  violently 
forward,  filling  the  air  with  indignant  but  helpless  pork. 
A  gang-plank  fitted  with  this  invention,  and  capable  of 
holding  fifty  hogs  can  thus  be  cleared  in  a  moment  of  time, 
and  it  is  estimated  that,  were  the  hog-bouncer  to  be  used 
in  loading  Cincinnati  steam-boats,  a  saving  of  time,  labor, 
and  profanity  would  be  made  which  would  be  sufficient  to 
reduce  one-eighth  the  cost  of  transportation  to  St.  Louis. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  point  out  that  although  the 
patentee  of  the  hog-bouncer  describes  it  as  exclusively  de- 
signed for  assisting  the  transportation  of  hogs,  it  is  suscep- 
tible of  much  wider  uses.  In  a  modified  form  it  could  be 
placed  at  the  entrances  of  our  places  of  amusement,  and 
used  to  prevent  the  frequent  jams  that  occur  when  a  crowd 
is  forcing  its  way  into  the  door  of  the  opera-house  or 
theatre.  In  like  manner  it  would  prove  very  useful  in 
loading  excursion  steamers,  where  it  would  obviate  the  in- 
conveniences resulting  from  the  feminine  practice  of  paus- 
ing on  a  gang-plank  for  a  few  moments'  chat  with  suddenly 
recognized  friends.  In  fact,  wherever  a  crowd  assembles, 
there  the  bouncer  can  be  put  to  efficient  use,  and  the  in- 
ventor M'ill  doubtless  be  surprised  to  find  in  the  course  of 
a  few  years  that  he  has  supplied  a  great  popular  want,  and 


y8  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

will  give  his  invention  the  more  appropriate  name  of  the 
universal  bouncer. 

It  is  pleasant  to  find  that  while  other  nations  are  in- 
venting new  instruments  of  warfare,  and  new  varieties  of 
nitro-glycerine,  America  produces  the  baby-pole  and  the 
hog-bouncer.  It  is  only  in  a  land  of  liberty  that  genius 
turns  its  attention  to  infants  and  pigs,  and  we  may  well 
cherish  the  free  institutions  that  have  rendered  possible 
such  glorious  results. 


RAINING  CATS. 

The  time  has  arrived  when  it  is  the  duty  of  the 
thoughtful  patriot  to  protest  against  the  zoological  showers 
which  are  occurring  almost  daily  in  one  or  another  part  of 
the  country.  When  the  first  of  these  abnormal  showers 
covered  a  Kentucky  farm  with  flesh  and  blood,  wise  men 
felt  that  the  rights  of  graziers  and  butchers  had  been  un- 
warrantably infringed.  Nevertheless,  inasmuch  as  no  one 
supposed  that  the  performance  would  be  repeated,  and  as 
it  had  been  the  means  of  making  a  number  of  Chicago 
reporters  acquainted  with  the  taste  of  meat,  no  one  pub- 
licly found  fault  with  it.  In  a  week  or  two  afterward  a 
shower  of  fish  occurred  in  Illinois.  It  so  liappened  that 
this  shower  took  place  at  the  beginning  of  Lent,  and 
therefore  discreet  people  abstained  from  expressing  their 
indignation,  lest  they  should  be  unwarily  drawn  into  a  the- 
ological discussion.  When,  however,  it  was  announced 
that  a  heavy  rain  of  mosquitoes  had  fallen  in  Canada, 
there  w^as  a  universal  feeling  that  this  sort  of  thing  had 
been  carried  altogether  too  far.  There  is  no  demand 
whatever  for  an  increased  number  of  mosquitoes.  The 
volume  of  those  pests  issued  every  Summer  is  always 
more  than  commensurate  with  the  necessities  of  business, 
and  any  attempt  at  inflation  in  connection  with  mosquitoes 
must  be  vigorously  ^yithstood.  It  ought  to  be  mentioned 
that  the  myriads  of  mosquitoes  which  fell  in  Canada  last 
week  belonged  to  a  new  variety,  each  one  of  which  was 


RAINING  CA  TS.  yg 

three  times  as  large,  and  consequently  possessed  of  three 
times  as  much  horse  power,  as  an  ordinary  New-Jersey 
mosquito.  If  this  shower  was  the  work  of  a  scientific 
person,  who  is  experimenting  upon  the  capacity  of  atmos- 
pheric currents  to  transport  living  organisms  and  rain  them 
down  upon  distant  localities,  the  malevolence  of  Thomas- 
sen  has  been  completely  surpassed.  To  blow  up  a  steam- 
ship is  a  small  matter  compared  with  raining  incalculable 
quantities  of  gigantic  mosquitoes  upon  helpless  communi- 
ties. One  thing  is  very  certain,  and  that  is  that  there 
will  be  an  enormous  decrease  of  the  usual  number  of  mar- 
riages next  summer,  if  the  new  Canadian  mosquitoes  are 
to  render  the  tailors  and  furriers  of  Canada  inaccessible 
except  by  those  who  are  incased  in  metallic  armor. 

But  the  recent  mosquito  shower,  bad  as  it  was,  has 
been  eclipsed  by  a  still  more  recent  and  Objectionable 
shower  which  occured  in  California.  It  was  restricted  to 
the  narrow  area  of  a  single  city  lot  on  Van  Ness  street, 
San  Francisco  ;  but  it  was  of  unparalleled  violence  and 
malignity.  Early  one  evening  the  Van  Ness  street  family 
was  quietly  seated  around  the  social  centre  table,  the  father 
explaining  to  a  casual  Eastern  visitor  the  unequalled 
beauties  of  the  Californian  climate,  and  the  mother  hush- 
ing her  baby  by  reading  in  a  monotonous  murmur  the  re- 
port of  the  day's  sale  of  mining  stocks.  Suddenly  a  loud 
pattering  was  heard  on  the  roof,  mingled  with  the  last 
despairing  cry  of  some  strong  tom-cat  in  his  agony.  The 
pattering  and  the  cries  increased,  and  a  shower  of  heavy 
objects  fell  from  the  eaves  and  rattled  on  the  pavement 
below.  The  whole  family  rushed  to  the  front  piazza,  and 
by  the  increasing  light  of  the  full  moon  beheld  scores  of 
cats  pouring  from  the  roof.  Cats  of  all  sizes  and  colors 
were  sliding  over  the  shingles  and  turning  wild  somersaults 
in  the  air.  At  one  moment  a  gigantic  tom-cat  would 
clutch  at  the  pitiless  gutter-pipe,  and  failing  to  break  his 
fall,  would  shoot  meteor-like,  with  outstretched  tail  through 
the  astonished  night  and  impale  himself  on  the  iron  spikes 
of  the  front  fence.  At  another  moment  a  staid  tortoise- 
shell  tabby,  of  untarnished  reputation,  would  make  the 
fatal    plunge,    uttering    blasphemous    and    blood-curdling 


8o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

yells  until  she  brained  herself  on  the  brick  pavement. 
The  horrified  family  fled  to  the  cellar,  where  they  passed 
the  night  in  denouncing  the  Weather  Bureau  ;  in  vainly 
attempting  to  convince  their  Eastern  guest  that  an  occa- 
sional cat-shower  in  no  way  detracted  from  the  unequalled 
excellence  of  the  Californian  climate,  and  in  searching 
a  pocket  New  Testament  for  the  account  of  the  destruc- 
tion of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah.  The  shower  did  not  last 
more  than  fifteen  minutes,  although  it  sprinkled  cats 
at  intervals  until  morning.  When  daylight  came,  every 
fence  spike  was  ornamented  with  an  impaled  cat,  and  the 
yard  was  so  thickly  strewn  with  the  dead  and  wounded  that 
an  experienced  meteorologist,  who  subsequently  investi- 
gated the  affair,  reported  that  at  least  eight  inches  of  cats 
must  have  fallen  during  the  night.  The  theory  put  forth 
by  this  skeptical  man  of  science  in  order  to  account  for  the 
shower  hardly  needs  to  be  refuted.  He  invented  a  small- 
boy,  whom  he  accused  of  greasing  the  roof  with  imaginary 
butter,  which  caused  some  hundreds  of  cats,  assembled 
on  the  ridge  pole  with  a  view  to  singing  the  praises  of  love 
and  mice,  to  lose  their  footing.  Inasmuch  as  he  failed  to 
produce  either  the  boy  or  the  butter,  and  also  failed  to  ex- 
plain how  a  boy  could  keep  his  footing  on  a  greased  roof, 
where  the  most  skilful  cat,  even  with  the  aid  of  four  feet 
and  a  full  set  of  claws,  could  not  maintain  a  position,  we 
can  only  pity  the  weakness  and  despise  the  effrontery  of 
the  scientific  skeptic. 

It  is  sufficiently  evident  that  this  Californian  cat  shower 
is  the  last  of  the  kind  which  a  free  and  proud  people  can 
permit.  We  have  now  had  showers  of  iiesh,  fish,  mosqui- 
toes, and  cats,  and  unless  prompt  measures  are  taken  we 
shall  presently  be  pelted  with  puppies  and  deluged  with 
pitchforks.  Men  and  brethren,  shall  these  things  be  ?  Are 
we  to  silently  permit  the  hands  of  the  weather-clock  to  be 
turned  back,  and  our  customary  showers  of  water  to  be  su- 
perseded by  showers  of  undesirable  animals?  Delay  is 
dangerous.  While  we  are  yet  speaking  a  wave  of  atmos- 
pheric cats  may  be  approaching  us  from  the  Gulf ;  light 
showers  of  wasps  and  mosquitoes  may  be  about  to  descend 
upon  the  New-England  and  Middle  States,  and  an  area  ot 
cosmical  pigs  may  be  threatening  the  region  of  the  lakes. 


TENNESSEE    PYGMfES.  gi 


TENNESSEE    PYGMIES. 

Prehistoric  America  must  have  been  an  exceeding!}'- 
curious  and  interesting  country.  Its  forests  were  filled  with 
mastodons,  megatheriums,  and  other  large  and  lively  beasts, 
any  one  of  which  thought  nothing  of  scratching  himself  on 
the  sharp  pinnacles  of  a  convenient  Gothic  church,  and  so 
toppling  it  over  on  its  scores  of  helpless  pew-holders.  In 
the  Mississippi  Valley,  the  industrious  mound-builders  were 
constantly  throwing  up  gigantic  mole-hills,  and  planting 
them  with  earthen  pots  and  copper  hatchets,  in  the  vain 
expectation  that  the  seed  thus  sown  would  yield  enormous 
crops  of  kitchen-ware  and  carpenters'  tools.  In  Kentucky, 
the  giants  to  whom  the  bones  recently  discovered  in  a  Ken- 
tucky cave  are  said  to  have  belonged,  strode  loftily  along 
the  turnpikes,  kicking  the  Indians  and  the  mound-builders 
contemptuously  out  of  the  way  ;  and  finally,  in  Tennessee, 
a  race  of  pygmies  was  continually  holding  political  meet- 
ings and  resolving  that  mastodons,  mound-builders,  and 
giants  should  be  promptly  abolished,  and  that  the  size  of 
the  inhabitants  of  this  country  should  be  made  and  kept 
commensurate  wdth  its  commercial  necessities. 

It  is  rather  odd  that  the  existence  of  the  Tennessee 
pygmies  of  prehistoric  America  was  until  recently  never 
suspected.  The  name  of  the  mastodon  has  long  been 
familiar  to  every  person  who  is  in  the  least  degree  addicted 
to  fossils.  His  remains,  in  the  shape  of  a  plaster-of-Paris 
skeleton,  with  the  artist's  name  stamped  on  the  forehead, 
are  exhibited  in  every  respectable  museum,  and  inspire  the 
youth  of  America  with  bitter  regret  that  an  animal  so 
beautifully  adapted  for  experiments  with  red-pepper  lozen- 
ges has  gone  where  the  small-boy  ceases  to  trouble  and  the 
nomadic  circus  is  at  rest.  The  mound-builders  have  been 
the  subject  of  scores  of  learned  essays,  in  which  their 
identity  with  the  Aztecs,  the  Chinese,  the  Egyptians,  the 
Welsh,  and  the  lost  tribes  of  Israel  has  been  triumphantly 

6 


82  SJX Til  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

shown  ;  and  of  the  exact  height  and  probable  capacity  for 
whiskey  of  the  Kentucl^y  giants,  we  have  had  careful  and 
presumably  accurate  statistics.  The  discovery  of  the  pyg- 
mies is,  however,  so  very  recent,  that  no  one  has  as  yet 
framed  any  theory  whatever  to  account  for  their  origin,  and 
to  explain  their  complete  extinction. 

When  the  Kentucky  giants  were  discovered,  it  was 
natural  that  the  State  pride  of  the  people  of  Tennessee 
should  be  somewhat  hurt.  The  Tennesseeans,  however,  did 
not  sit  down  and  content  themselves  with  reviling  the  Ken- 
tuckians  and  insinuating  doubts  as  to  the  alleged  character 
of  the  gigantic  bones.  They  promptly  proceeded  to  find 
rival  bones  of  still  greater  merit,  and  their  industry  has 
been  rewarded  by  their  discovery  of  a  grave-yard  contain- 
ing the  skeletons  of  seventy-five  thousand  pygmies  of  the 
average  height  of  three  feet  each.  What  are  the  three  nine- 
foot  giants  of  Kentucky,  in  comparison  with  so  great  a 
cloud  of  pygmies  ?  If  we  may  judge  from  the  price  usually 
paid  by  circus  managers  for  living  giants  and  dwarfs  a  three- 
foot  dwarf  is  decidedly  more  valuable  than  a  nine-foot  giant, 
and  if  the  same  standard  governs  the  price  of  fossils,  the 
seventy-five  thousand  Tennessee  pigmies  are  worth  fully 
twenty-five  thousand  times  as  much  as  the  three  Kentucky 
giants.  While  the  Keiituckians  can  present  their  giants  to 
three  eminent  scientific  men,  and  thus  obtain  three  distinct 
scientific  reports  certifying  to  the  enormous  interest  and 
value  of  fossil  giants,  the  Tennesseeans  can  supply  every 
scientific  man  in  this  country  and  in  Europe  with  a  fossil 
dwarf,  and  so  secure  testimonials  without  number  to  the 
unequalled  excellence  of  Tennessee  pygmies.  Indeed,  if  the 
discoverers  of  the  pygmies  will  only  employ  some  astute 
piano-maker  who  is  an  expert  in  testimonials,  to  obtain  for 
the  fossil  dwarfs  the  recognition  of  the  scientific  world,  there 
is  not  a  living  scientific  person  who  will  not  sign  a  certificate 
setting  forth  his  admiration  for  the  beauty  and  durability  of 
the  pygmies,  and  his  determination  to  use  none  but  those 
of  the  celebrated  Tennessee  grave-yard  for  the  rest  of  his 
professional  life. 

At  what  period  these  pygmies  flourished,  what  they  ac- 
complished, and  by  what  means  they  were  induced  to  retire 


A  NEW  COMPANY.  2>^ 

simultaneously  to  their  graveyard,  can  only  be  conjectured. 
They  may  have  been  the  identical  pygmies  that,  according 
to  the  Greek  legend,  waged  war  with  the  cranes.  If  so, 
the  cranes  must  have  proved  too  powerful  for  them.  This 
is  hardly  probable,  and  any  modern  Tennesseean  who  has 
attempted  to  keep  chickens  in  the  neighborhood  of  a  family 
of  citizens  of  African  descent,  will  scornfully  refuse  to  be- 
lieve that  pygmies  of  three  feet  in  height  could  not  kill 
cranes  on  their  roost  with  at  least  as  much  success  as  is 
achieved  by  the  African  small-boy  when  invading  the  mid- 
night hen-house.  We  must  wait  for  further  discoveries  be- 
fore it  will  be  safe  to  decide  whether  the  pygmies  were 
contemporary  with  the  giants  and  whether  they  preceded 
the  mound-builders.  The  bare  fact  that  they  once  existed 
is  all  that  we  can  now  safely  affirm  of  them  ;  but  doubt- 
less by  the  time  that  every  home  in  the  country  is  or- 
namented with  a  fossil  pygmy,  and  every  newspaper  pub- 
lishes extracts  from  the  certificates  of  scientific  persons 
who  are  overwhelmed  with  admiration  of  the  vast  superi- 
ority of  the  Tennessee  pygmies  to  those  of  all  rival  com- 
munities, we  shall  be  in  the  possession  of  information  which 
will  enable  us  to  know  at  least  as  much  of  the  pygmies  as 
we  now  know  of  the  mastodon  and  the  mound-builders. 


A  NEW  COMPANY. 

Within  the  last  three  years  those  curious  people  who 
propose  to  put  an  end  to  sin  and  misery  over  the  whole 
earth,  by  burning  instead  of  burying  corpses,  have  made 
numerous  and  strenuous  efforts  to  propagate  their  pecuhar 
principles.  Hitherto  they  have  not  met  with  much  success. 
Here  and  there  an  ardent  advocate  of  "  cremation  "  has 
had  the  good  fortune  to  have  a  dead  wife  or  grandmother 
in  his  house,  and  has  promptly  burned  her  in  the  back 
yard,  but  the  public  has  steadily  declined  to  follow  his 
example.  The  truth  is  that  at  the  present  prices  of  fuel, 
burning  corpses  is  a  luxury  quite  beyond  the  means  of  men 
of  moderate  incomes.     A  man  with  a  large  family,  who  has 


84  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

the  foresight  to  lay  in  a  stock  of  coffins  in  midwinter,  when 
the  demand  is  light  and  prices  are  low,  can  bury  half  a 
dozen  children  in  the  following  Spring  and  Fall  at  perhaps 
.a  fourth  of  the  cost  of  the  fuel  which  would  be  needed  to 
burn  them.  This  is  naturally  a  strong  argument  against 
the  adoption  of  the  practice  of  cremation,  especially  among 
sub>irban  communities,  where  chills  and  fever  and  railways 
prevail  during  the  greater  part  of  the  year.  Hence  the 
agitation  in  favor  of  "  cremation,"  which  two  years  ago  was 
quite  vigorous  both  here  and  in  Europe,  has  gradually  died 
away,  and  it  is  now  some  months  since  the  press  has  had 
occasion  to  mention  a  corpse-burning  festival. 

It  has  recently  occurred  to  certain  thoughtful  and  in- 
genious persons  residing  in  London,  that  the  constant  fire 
maintained  in  the  crater  of  Vesuvius  generates  an  enor- 
mous amount  of  heat  which  is  wholly  wasted.  That  such 
a  waste  should  be  permitted  in  an  age  when  fuel  is  univer- 
sally dear,  and  there  is  a  terrible  prospect  that  in  a  few 
short  millions  of  years  the  entire  coal  fields  of  the  world 
will  be  exhausted,  is  nothing  less  than  disgraceful.  If  the 
Neapolitans  had  any  enterprise,  they  would  long  ago  have 
heated  their  city,  and  provided  a  perpetual  Summer  for  the 
fields  of  Southern  Italy,  by  utilizing  the  Vesuvian  heat. 
All  that  is  needed  is  to  induce  some  scientific  person  to 
invent  a  method  of  storing  and  transporting  the  heat  of  the 
volcano,  and  to  organize  a  company  to  supply  it  to  cus- 
tomers. Pure  Mount  Vesuvius  heat  would,  of  course,  drive 
all  the  coal  and  w^ood  now  consumed  in  South  Italy  out  of 
the  market,  and  would  place  the  means  of  cooking  maca- 
roni and  warming  fingers  chilled  by  turning  organ-cranks 
in  the  frosty  Winter  air,  within  the  reach  of  the  poorest 
inhabitant  of  the  province. 

The  ingenious  Londoners  already  mentioned  do  not, 
how^ever,  propose  to  use  the  heat  of  Vesuvius  for  warming 
purposes  ;  but  they  have  devised  a  plan  of  utilizing  the 
volcano  which  deserves  the  attention  of  all  Europeans. 
Experience  has  shown  that  whatever  is  thrown  into  the 
crater  is  instantly  consumed.  Occasionally  a  native  Ital'an 
has  inadvertently  slipped  into  it,  and  has  vanished  so 
suddenly  and  completely  that  not  even   a  trace   of  garlic 


A  JVEIV  COMPANY.  85 

could  be  scented  in  the  air,  and  nothing  but  a  silent  hand- 
organ  and  a  bereaved  monkey  remained  to  recall  the  fact 
that  a  citizen  of  free  Italy  had  flashed  into  flame  and  been 
dissipated  in  gases.  Even  the  stoutest  British  tourist  who 
has  toppled  into  the  crater  while  searching  for  a  good 
place  to  boil  a  tea-kettle,  has  disappeared  before  he  could 
fairly  mention  his  purpose  of  writing  to  the  Times  news- 
paper, and  denouncing  the  neglect  of  the  local  authorities 
to  rail  in  the  crater  for  the  protection  of  travellers.  That 
Vesuvius  is  of  all  places  in  the  world  the  one  where  crema- 
tion can  be  practiced  cheaply  and  efficiently  ought  long 
ago  to  have  been  perceived,  and  though  the  astute  London- 
ers deserve  credit  for  having  finally  determined  to  make  it 
the  universal  cemetery  of  Europe,  they  would  have  shown 
more  enterprise  had  they  hit  upon  the  same  idea  three 
years  ago. 

It  is  the  intention  of  the  "  London  and  Vesuvius  Cre- 
mation Company  (limited)  "  to  build  a  railway  from  the 
foot  to  the  summit  of  the  volcano,  and  to  connect  it  with 
the  great  European  system  of  railways.  On  the  verge  of 
the  crater  they  will  build  a  neat  chapel,  and  keep  constantly 
on  hand  a  staff  of  clergymen  of  every  conceivable  faith. 
Whenever  a  corpse  is  to  be  "  cremated,"  the  friends  of  the 
deceased  will  leave  an  order  at  the  office  of  the  company 
for  a  Roman  Catholic,  Protestant,  Jewish,  or  Mormon 
funeral,  as  the  case  may  be.  The  company  will  dispatch 
the  corpse  and  the  mourners  by  a  special  train  personally 
conducted  by  an  official,  with  a  face  expressive  of  the 
deepest  grief,  to  the  volcano,  where  the  proper  variety  of 
clergyman  will  be  in  attendance,  and  the  funeral  having 
been  promptly  celebrated,  the  corpse  will  be  gently  lowered 
into  the  crater.  It  is  estimated  that  the  company  can  put 
this  delightful  style  of  funeral  at  prices  which  will  bring  it 
within  the  reach  of  persons  of  very  moderate  means,  while 
at  the  same  time  rich  and  extravagant  mourners  can  order 
special  funerals  of  any  degree  of  magnificence,  without  any 
limit  as  to  cost. 

There  is  one  other  feature  of  the  plan  wdiich  is  especially 
attractive.  Mourners  who  have  seen  the  remains  of  their 
loved  ones  comfortably  "  cremated  "  in  the  finest  natural 


86  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

furnace  in  Europe,  can  straightway  distract  their  minds 
and  allay  their  grief  by  enjoying  the  view  from  the  summit 
of  the  mountain,  and  by  making  a  subsequent  visit  to  all 
points  of  interest  in  Naples  and  its  vicinity.  This  will 
naturally  tend  to  divest  funerals  of  their  present  depressing 
effect,  and  will  render  them  really  enjoyable.  The  old 
proverb  "  see  Naples  and  die,"  will  henceforth  read,  "  Have 
some  member  of  your  family  die,  and  then  see  Naples  after 
the  funeral."  Thus,  by  the  simple  device  of  turning  Vesu- 
vius into  a  "cremating"  furnace,  funerals  will  be  cheaply 
conducted,  corpses  will  be  comfortably  disposed  of,  and 
mourners  will  have  their  sorrow  charmed  away,  their  minds 
improved,  and  their  tastes  delighted  by  the  beauties  of  the 
Bay  of  Naples,  the  treasures  of  the  Bourbon  Museum,  the 
pleasures  of  the  San  Carlo,  and  the  wonders  of  Pompeii 
and  Herculaneum.  No  more  beneficent  scheme  has  been 
devised  within  the  present  century,  and  the  "  London  and 
Vesuvius  Cremation  Company  (limited)  "  will  hereafter  be 
ranked  even  higher  in  the  affections  of  economical  tourists 
than  are  Messrs.  Cook,  Son  &  Jenkins,  with  their  person- 
ally conducted  tours. 


THE  ACHROMATIC  SMALL-BOY. 

Among  the  wonders  of  California  is  a  recently  discov- 
ered small-boy,  with  unique  and  marvellous  eyes.  He  is 
now  nine  years  of  age,  and  until  within  the  last  few  months 
his  parents  have  believed  him  to  be  totally  blind.  This 
belief,  being  based  upon  the  boy's  utter  inability  to  see 
anything,  was  not  perhaps  altogether  irrational.  When 
kindly-disposed  playmates  present  a  strange  cat,  a  tomato 
can,  and  apiece  of  string  to  a  healthy  and  active  small- 
boy  only  to  find  that  he  cannot  perform  the  simple  feat  of 
putting  them  accurately  together,  it  is  safe  to  decide  that 
there  is  something  physically  as  well  as  morally  wrong 
about  him.  And  when  the  same  small-boy  can  be  left  for 
hours  in  the  immediate  presence  of  accessible  jam  without 


THE  ACHROMATIC  SMALL-BOY. 


87 


showing  the  faintest  desire  to  wallow  in  it,  the  conclusion 
that  he  must  be  blind  is  irresistible.  The  Californian  boy 
of  whom  mention  has  just  been  mide  exhibited  for  more 
than  eight  years  the  most  unvarying  inability  to  see  any 
object  whatever,  and  it  is  not  strange  that  he  obtained 
the  reputation  of  unmitigated  blindness. 

On  the  12th  of  December  last  this  remarkable  boy  acci- 
dentally awoke  in  the  night,  and  loudly  remarked  that  he 
saw  the  moon.  Not  only  did  he  perceive  the  existence  of 
that  respectable  satellite,  but  he  saw  it  as  from  a  distance 
of  two  hundred  yards,  and  could  thus  accurately  describe 
its  contents.  He  saw  hills  and  valleys  and  trees  and  tele- 
graph poles,  and,  in  fact,  all  the  natural  beauties  which  con- 
stitute an  alluring  landscape.  Moreover,  he  saw  inhabitants 
of  a  new  and  extraordinary  pattern.  According  to  this  vera- 
cious small-boy,  the  Lunarians  run  chiefly  to  legs.  They 
are  constructed  on  the  model  of  a  cart-wheel  without  a  rim, 
and  revolve  with  enormous  rapidity  on  the  extremities  of 
their  radiating  legs,  which  resemble  in  number  and  dispo- 
sition the  spokes  of  an  ordinary  and  earthly  wheel.  These 
spokes,  however,  are  evidently  not  developed  until  the 
Lunarian  emerges  from  the  period  of  infancy,  inasmuch 
as  the  Lunar  babies  resemble  pumpkins,  and  display  no 
vestige  of  even  rudimentary  legs. 

It  appears  that  there  is  a  College_of  Sciences  in  Cal- 
ifornia, consisting  of  a  number  of  learned  men,  described 
by  the  local  press  as  mathematical  and  geological  sharps. 
As  soon  as  the  wonderful  astronomical  discoveries  made 
by  the  supposed  blind  boy  were  brought  to  the  attention 
of  these  scientific  gentlemen,  they  at  once  dropped  the 
slates  on  which  they  were  calculating,  in  accordance  with 
a  request  of  the  Legislature,  the  probabilities  in  favor  of 
four  aces  being  dealt  to  any  one  in  a  party  of  six,  and 
promptly  undertook  to  investigate  the  small-boy's  visual 
powers.  In  due  time  they  reported  that  the  boy's  lunar 
observations  were  unquestionably  accurate,  and  they  ex- 
plained his  vast  superiority  to  any  telescope  hitherto  con- 
structed by  deciding  that  his  focal  distance  was  of  an 
abnormal  character.  In  the  opinion  of  these  ingenious 
and    accomplished    scientific  persons,    the  boy  possesses 


88  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

achromatic  eyes  constructed  expressly  in  order  to  observe 
objects  at  a  distance  of  240,000  miles,  and  the  inability  of 
such  eyes  to  perceive  objects  close  at  hand  is  natural  and 
inevitable.  The  best  modern  telescope  brings  the  moon 
within  an  apparent  distance  of  thirty  miles,  but  if  the 
moon  were  really  only  thirty  miles  distant,  the  telescope 
could  not  show  it.  It  is  no  wonder  that  a  boy  afflicted — or 
rather  gifted — with  a  focal  distance  greater  than  that  of 
any  telescope  should  have  been  blind  to  the  piesence  of 
cats  and  jam.  Had  he  been  shown  a  cat  at  the  distance 
of  240,000  miles,  there  is  no  doubt  that  he  would  instantly 
have  called  for  strings  and  tomato  cans,  and  displayed  the 
liveliest  interest  in  the  apparent  duty  of  the  hour. 

The  discovery  of  this  unparalleled  boy  marks  a  new 
era  in  the  science  of  astronomy.  Of  course  his  peculiar- 
ities will  at  once  be  made  to  serve  the  interests  of  science. 
He  will  be  equatorially  mounted  in  the  California  Observa- 
tory in  place  of  the  now  obsolete  telescope,  and  will  be 
fitted  with  clock-work,  which  will  give  him  a  constant  side- 
real motion.  From  twilight  to  dawn  he  will  be  constant- 
ly kept  at  work  discovering  asteroids  and  comets,  and 
taking  photogi'aphs  of  distinguished  Lunar  citizens.  The 
utmost  care  will  be  taken  to  keep  him  in  perfect  order, 
and  visitors  will  be  strictly  forbidden  to  touch  him  or  to 
breathe  upon  his  eyes.  Only  the  best  of  oil  and  the  soft- 
est of  chamois  leather  will  be  used  in  polishing  him,  and 
only  the  most  experienced  astronomers  will  be  allowed 
to  wdnd  up  his  clock-work  or  to  move  him  on  his  axis. 
Such  a  boy,  if  once  broken  or  scratched,  cannot  be  replaced 
or  repaired,  and  no  mechanician  will  think  it  possible  to 
contrive  an  artificial  boy  of  anything  like  his  powers.  Let  us 
hope  that  this  last  and  best  gift  of  California  to  mankind 
will  be  placed  at  the  disposal  of  the  most  eminent  astron- 
omers of  the  age,  and  that  they  will  employ  every  available 
moment  in  gazing  through  him  at  the  wonders  of  the  star- 
ry heavens.  Had  Herschel  only  possessed  a  purely  ach- 
romatic boy,  with  a  focal  distance  of  ninety  feet,  he  would 
have  left  nothing  for  future  astronomers  to  discover ;  and 
if  Prof.  Peters  will  now  undertake  to  keep  his  eye  con- 
stantly applied  to  the  California  boy,  he  will  in  a   few 


S/0  UX  SER  VA  NTS. 


89 


months'  time  capture  every  asteroid  and  comet  now  at 
liberty,  and  become  as  familiar  with  the  topography  of  the 
sun,  the  mooli,  and  the  planets  as  he  is  with  the  interior 
of  his  present  observatory. 


SIOUX  SERVANTS. 

■  When  a  woman  devotes  herself  to  politics  she  usually 
lets  the  bread  burn.  Similarl}^,  when  she  is  an  earnest 
housekeeper  she  does  not  care  to  ask  her  husband  which 
Presidential  candidate  she  supports  or  whether  she  is  in 
favor  of  hard  or  soft  money.  Yet,  while  the  general  truth 
of  the  assertion  that  women  cannot  combine  politics  and 
housekeeping  is  confirmed  by  the  almost  unshaken  testi- 
mony of  history,  an  exception  must  be  made  in  favor  of  a 
Bostonian  lady,  who  has  just  found  that  she  can  labor  at 
the  same  time  for  the  good  of  the  kitchen  and  of  the  State. 
This  unique  woman  has  proposed  a  plan  which  aims  at  ap- 
plying a  simple  remedy  to  the  evils  which  the  country  suf- 
fers from  hostile  Indians,  and  those  which  harass  the 
housewife  at  the  hands  of  objectionable  servants.  A  mind 
which  can  thus  grasp  two  vast  and  widely  different  ques- 
tions and  discover  a  simple  solution  for  them  both  is  worthy 
of  Boston — that  city  where  the  girl  babies  are  born  with 
spectacles,  and  refuse  to  go  to  sleep  unless  Emerson's 
"Brahma"  is  crooned  over  their  cradles. 

The  plan  in  question  is  a  very  simple  one,  and  for  that 
very  reason  is  entitled  to  the  respect  of  those  who  know 
how  simple  have  been  some  of  the  greatest  discoveries  of 
science  and  some  of  the  most  eminent  scientific  persons. 
The  Bostonian  philanthropist  lays  down  the  premise  that 
we  have  too  many  Indians  and  too  fev/  good  servant-girls. 
She  thus  reasons  that  if  all  the  Indian  women  were  to  be 
banished  from  the  Indian's  country  the  red  men  would  soon 
become  extinct,  and  that  if  those  banished  Indian  women 
were  to  be  placed  in  the  kitchens  of  Massachusetts  matrons 


go  SIXTH  CO  LIT  MX  FAyCIES. 

the  paucity  of  servants  would  no  longer  exist.  The  plan, 
then,  consists  in  bringing  the  squaws  to  the  Eastern  States 
and  using  them  as  servants.  This  constitutes  an  Indian 
policy  which  has  all  the  advantages  of  extermination  with- 
out the  uncertainty  as  to  which  side  will  be  exterminated, 
which  generally  exists  when  troops  are  sent  to  exterminate 
Modocs  or  Sioux.  It  also  furnishes  the  housekeepers  of 
our  beloved  land  with  a  kitchen  policy  which  promises  to 
free  them  from  the  tyranny  of  Bridget  and  the  inefficiency 
of  Dinah. 

It  is  well  known  that  the  Indian  women  are  accustomed 
to  work.  In  fact  all  the  work  of  the  entire  tribe  is  done  by 
the  women,  the  men  restricting  themselves  to  the  pastimes 
of  war  and  hunting,  and  the  purchase  and  consumption  of 
whiskey.  If,  then,  we  introduce  a  Sioux  squaw  into  an  East- 
ern kitchen  there  will  be  no  reason  to  fear  that  she  will 
be  physically  unable  to  work.  She  can  cook,  and  hoe  corn, 
and  build  wigwams  in  the  back  yard  to  an  unlimited  extent 
— provided  her  employer  can  convince  her  that  it  is  her 
duty  to  work. 

Of  course,  in  dealing  with  a  domestic  squaw  we  must 
make  use  of  arguments  which  she  can  understand,  and 
which  she  regards  as  really  forcible.  Thus,  she  must  be 
frequently  knocked  down  with  a  club,  in  order  to  induce 
her  to  get  up  and  go  about  her  work.  Such  is  the  simple 
method  of  encouragement  to  which  she  is  accustomed  at 
the  hands  of  the  Sioux  warrior,  and  we  could  hardly  expect 
that  she  would  work  cheerfully  and  efficiently  'vithout  it. 
Care  must  be  also  taken  to  provide  her  with  the  amuse- 
ments with  which  the  Sioux  women  relax  their  minds  and 
cultivate  a  blithe  and  happy  spirit.  She  must  have  an  oc- 
casional plumber  given  to  her  for  purposes  of  torture,  and 
must  be  allowed  to  scalp  the  man  who  comes  to  inspect  the 
gas  meter.  These  innocent  and  harmless  sports  would  not 
only  bring  happiness  to  her  unsophisticated  bosom,  but 
would  doubtless  have  an  excellent  effect  upon  the  plumbers 
and  gas  inspectors.  Even  the  most  hardened  plumber,  who 
had  been  for  y:ars  in  the  habit  of  charging  a  full  day's  pay 
for  sitting  one  hour  on  the  edge  of  a  bath-tub,  and  making 
up  his  mind  that  he  had  forgotten  to  bring  his  tools,  could 


MALE  GIRLS.  qi 

not  help  being  benefited  by  being  tied  to  a  post  in  the 
back  yard  where  the  Sioux  cook  could  take  a  frequent  hack 
at  him  with  the  hatchet  while  waiting  for  the  potatoes  to 
boil  or  the  beef  to  roast.  Of  course,  she  should  have  free 
permission  to  brain  all  tramps  with  the  poker,  and  to  hang 
their  scalps  in  the  scullery.  With  these  means  of  recreation 
she  would  probably  be  entirely  contented,  and  would  do 
her  work  with  cheerful  alacrity. 

But  there  are  two  serious  objections  to  the  scheme  of 
filling  our  kitchens  with  Sioux  squaws.  It  would  be  im- 
possible to  teach  a  Sioux  servant  to  wash  dishes,  or  any- 
thing else.  She  would  probably  be  willing  to  wipe  an  oc- 
casional plate  on  the  end  of  her  blanket,  but  her  aboriginal 
conscience  would  not  allow  her  to  meddle  with  water  or  to 
CQP.taminate  herself  with  soap.  Moreover,  she  would  un- 
doubtedly manage  to  get  drunk  at  frequent  intervals,  and 
while  in  that  state  she  would  be  certain  to  exterminate  one 
or  more  members  of  her  employer's  family.  Such  irregular- 
ities could  not  be  overlooked  by  any  judicious  housekeeper. 
Even  the  Bostonian  philanthropist  herself  would  not  think 
it  wise  to  retain  a  servant  who  should  wait  on  the  dinner- 
table  with  the  chambermaid's  scalp  at  her  girdle,  or  who 
should  have  exterminated  the  baby  on  the  previous  evening. 
Unless  some  method  can  be  found  of  weaning  the  Sioux 
squaws  from  the  love  of  whiskey^  and  of  convincing  them 
that  washing  is  not  a  dangerous  practice,  it  will  be  imprac- 
ticable to  employ  them  in  civilized  kitchens  ;  and  the  inge- 
nuity of  the  fair  philanthropist  of  Boston  will  have  been 
exercised  in  vain. 


MALE  GIRLS. 

Hitherto  the  enemies  of  evolution  have  been  in  the 
habit  of  tauntingly  requesting  Mr.  Darwin,  Mr.  Wallace, 
and  other  proprietors  and  dealers  in  that  famous  theory,  to 
evolve  a  new  kind  of  human  being  or  a  few  novelties  in 
pigs  or  horses.  They  have  asserted  that  if  unassisted  na- 
ture can  evolve  a  man  from  a  monkey,  a  skilful  scientific 


g  2  SLY  TH  COL  UMN  FA  iVCLES. 

person  ought  to  be  able  to  evolve  and  patent  an  improved 
style  of  baby,  or  to  dev^elop  a  race  of  pigs  with  ears  adapted 
to  the  manufacture  of  silk  purses.  Because  the  evolution- 
ists have  been  apparently  deaf  to  these  demands  they  have 
been  abused  with  much  vigor  as  self-confessed  impostors, 
and  to  some  extent  the  unscientific  public  has  accepted  this 
slanderous  estimate  of  them.  It  now  appears  that  in  spite 
of  their  proud  silence  the  evolutionists  have  been  busily  at 
work  evolving  a  practical  answer  to  their  assailants,  and 
that  they  have  finally  produced  a  specimen  of  their  art 
which  is  to  be  exhibited  in  the  next  International  Exhibi- 
tion. 

The  world  has  been,  and  is  now,  very  well  contented 
with  its  present  assortment  of  animals.  It  is  true  that  per- 
sons of  fastidious  tastes  have  occasionally  suggested  that 
a  few  simple  improvements  might  be  put  upon  some  of  our 
domestic  animals.  For  example,  there  are  those  who  think 
it  desirable  to  have  the  guinea  fowl's  voice  pitched  in  a 
a  different  key,  or  the  tail  of  the  milch  cow  fitted  to  the 
animal  in  such  a  way  that  it  could  be  easily  unshipped 
during  the  process  of  milking.  These  suggested  improve- 
ments, however,  are  merely  matters  of  detail.  The  idea  of 
adding  new  animals  to  our  present  stock  is  quite  a  differ- 
ent affair,  and  no  one  has  seriously  advocated  it  except 
when  jeering  at  the  evolutionists  and  seeking  to  draw  them 
into  a  vexatious  position. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  belief  that  a  new  variety  of 
human  being  is  imperatively  needed  has  prevailed  among 
the  most  advanced  social  reformers.  It  is  generally  conceded 
among  the  friends  of  the  "  Emancipation  of  Woman  "  that 
what  is  really  needed  is  the  invention  of  a  new  sex.  It  is 
obvious  to  the  minds  of  our  strongest-minded  women  that 
men,  being  unmitigated  brutes,  are  entirely  unfit  to  live, 
and  that  women,  who  are  spiritually  a  little  higher  than 
the  angels  are  physically  untit  to  meet  all  the  exigencies  of 
life.  Of  course,  they  consider  that  if  men  could  be  wholly 
eliminated  and  the  world  placed  wholly  under  the  control 
of  women,  the  change  would  be  an  enormous  improve- 
ment;  nevertheless,  they  admit — in  the  confidence  of  pri- 
vate tea  and  toast — that  even  in  a  world  governed  wholly 


MALE  GIRLS.  q3 

by  women  contingencies  would  arise  with  which  the  ablest 
woman  would  be  unable  to  successfully  cope.  For  in- 
stance, there  is  the  implacable  and  devastating  mouse. 
What  would  become  of  a  senate  of  women  if  a  mouse 
should  venture  into  the  senate  chamber  ?  There,  too,  is 
the  appalling  earth-worm.  How  could  women  venture  to 
undertake  the  cultivation  of  the  entire  wheat-fields  of  the 
world  with  the  certainty  that  from  time  to  time  the  plow 
would  bring  to  the  surface  a  fierce  and  deadly  earth-worm, 
who  would  squirm  under  the  very  feet  of  the  horrified  hus- 
band-woman .?  It  is  in  vain  to  allege  that  a  woman  can 
face  dangers  like  these  with  any  hope  of  triumphing  over 
them.  The  most  progressive  woman,  clad  in  the  best  of 
trousers,  armed  with  the  ballot,  and  holding  the  most  im- 
portant office  in  the  State,  would  be  liable  to  faint  in  the 
presence  of  a  determined  mouse,  or  to  perish  under  the 
attack  of  an  enraged  and  violent  earth-worm.  It  is  thus 
clear  that  before  the  world  can  be  brought  to  a  state  of 
absolute  perfection  a  new  kind  of  woman,  having  the  moral 
and  mental  excellencies  of  the  present  variety  of  woman, 
and  the  boldness  in  the  face  of  mice  and  creeping  things 
which  distinguishes  the  brave  though  brutal  man,  must  be 
devised.  Such  a  being  would  virtually  constitute  a  new 
sex,  to  whom  would  rightfully  appertain  the  possession  and 
government  of  the  world. 

It  is  precisely  this  ideal  man-woman  that  the  evolution- 
ists have  silently  and  successfully  developed.  The  fact 
that  they  have  accomplished  this  grand  achievement  has 
not  been  directly  announced,  but  it  is  revealed  by  implica- 
tion in  the  advertising  columns  of  a  Philadelphia  newspa- 
per. The  other  day  the  newspaper  in  question  contained 
in  its  columns  of  '*  wants  ''  a  request  for  a  "  wealthy  " 
woman  who  would  be  willing  ''  to  adopt  a  male  girl." 
There  can  be  no  doubt  that  this  "  male  girl  "  is  the  crown- 
ing achievement  of  evolution,  and  that  she  will  soon  be- 
come famous  as  the  grandest  scientific  production  of  the 
age. 

What  constitutes  a  male  girl,  and  in  what  respect  she 
differs  physically  from  the  common  human  girl  of  current 
zoological  text-books,  we  are  left  to  conjecture.    Undoubt- 


94  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

edly  she  is  masculine  in  point  of  legs,  and  is  thus  fitted  for 
the  full  enjoyment  of  trousers.  It  is  also  probable  that 
although  she  may  have  a  iiiasculine  beard,  she  is  distinct- 
ively feminine  in  point  of  back  hair,  for  otherwise  she 
could  not  let  it  down  in  the  heat  of  debate,  and  thus  crush 
an  opponent  with  hair  superficially  pinned  on  and  wholly 
unfitted  for  rhetorical  uses.  How  she  is  fitted  up  internally 
we  can  never  know  until  the  drawings  and  specifications 
which  her  inventor  has  doubtless  filed  in  the  Patent  Office 
are  published  ;  but  we  may  assume  that  her  heart  is  so 
constructed  as  to  be  certain  not  to  palpitate  at  the  sight  of 
mice  or  worms,  and  that  instead  of  the  usual  human  stom- 
ach, she  has  been  provided  with  large  tanks  for  holding  tea, 
and  a  roomy  compartment  for  the  stowage  of  cake,  cara- 
mels, and  buttered  toast. 

When  this  male  girl  is  formally  placed  on  exhibition, 
there  will  be  an  end  of  the  pretense  that  evolution  cannot 
evolve  a  new  pattern  of  humanity,  and  a  revival  of  courage 
among  the  advocates  of  woman's  supremacy.  Under  the 
leadership  of  male  girls  who  can  face  the  fiercest  mouse 
with  impunity,  and  literally  beard  the  earth-worm  in  his 
native  ground,  women  can  fearlessly  undertake  all  the  du- 
ties which  men  so  imperfectly  discharge.  The  male  girls 
will  constitute  a  sort  of  corps  d' elite.,  and  will  come  to  the 
front  whenever  the  masculine  virtues  of  bravery  in  the 
presence  of  mice  and  other  foes  of  women  are  needed.  Thus 
will  the  new  era  prophesied  by  progressive  women  be  made 
a  magnificent  success,  and  the  need  and  memory  of  man 
utterly  and  forever  vanish. 


A  GROWING  VICE. 

In  a  Philadelphia  newspaper  issued  during  the  preva- 
lence of  the  late  Exhibition,  a  householder  of  that  city 
announced  that  he  desired  to  rent  certain  rooms  to  "  a 
genteel  gent,"  with  "  a  refined  wife,"  but  that  no  "  gent," 
whether  "  genteel "  or  otherwise,  who  used  tobacco  in  any 
shape  need  apply.     He  further  announced  that  he  had  re- 


A  GROJVnVG  VICE. 


95 


jected  nearly  one  hundred  applicants  for  the  rooms  in 
question  on  the  ground  that  they  were  one  and  all  addicted 
to  tobacco,  and  that  no  money  could  induce  him  to  admit 
a  consumer  of  tobacco  beneath  his  roof.  This  shameless 
advertisement  is  only  one  of  many  evidences  of  the  extent 
to  which  the  degrading  vice  of  abstinence  from  tobacco 
perverts  the  noblest  instincts  of  mankind.  It  is  probable 
that  the  strongest  passion  which  nature  ever  implanted  in 
the  Philadelphian  breast  was  a  desire  to  let  rooms  at  high 
prices  to  Centennial  visitors.  Among  the  more  thoughtful 
Philadelphians  it  is  held  as  a  matter  of  faith  that  Philadel- 
phia was  founded  for  the  express  purpose  of  letting  rooms 
and  an  occasional  hack  to  the  nations  of  the  earth,  who 
were  delivered  into  her  hand  during  the  Centennial  Exhi- 
bition as  a  lawful  and  predestined  prey.  What,  then,  must 
be  the  strength  of  that  terrible  habit  which  can  render  the 
Philadelphian  deaf  to  the  voice  of  nature,  and  induce  him 
to  spurn  the  proffered  dollars  of  the  tobacco  smoker  ?  It 
is  indeed  disheartening  to  find  a  Philadelphia  householder, 
who  at  some  period  of  his  life  was  doubtless  an  innocent 
and  kind-hearted  man,  deliberately  ignoring  the  great  mis- 
sion of  his  being,  casti«g  contempt  upon  his  native  city, 
and  permitting  the  Centennial  visitor  to  go  unfleeced. 
Such,  however,  is  the  perverting  influence  of  an  unnatural 
and  depraved  habit. 

The  growth  of  the  habit  of  abstinence  from  tobacco 
has  been  very  obvious  during  the  last  four  or  five  years. 
The  fate  ,of  the  late  Mr.  Trask,  who  was  so  completely  un- 
der the  dominion  of  the  anti-tobacco  habit  that  he  permit- 
ted himself  to  write  the  most  dreary  tracts  ever  composed 
by  an  enfeebled  intellect,  seems  to  have  had  no  effect  in 
convincing  his  fellow-sufferers  of  the  evil  of  their  course. 
On  the  other  hand,  the  high  price  of  cigars,  and  the  ven- 
omous hostility  to  the  Union,  which  led  men  to  abstain 
from  smoking  lest  they  should  increase  the  revenue  of  the 
Government,  have  had  a  vast  influence  in  inducing  parsi 
monious  and  unprincipled  persons  to  abstain  from  tobacco. 
The  statistics  of  this  loathsome  vice  would  astonish  the 
careless  and  unthinking.  It  is  estimated  that  at  least  ten 
per  cent,  of  native  American  men  are  confirmed  enemies 


9  6  S/X  TH  COL  UMN  FA  .\  TIES. 

of  the  weed,  while  the  number  of  women  who  openly  ex 
press  their  hostility  to  tobacco  in  any  form  is  simply  ap- 
palling. And  what  is  the  most  painful  feature  of  this 
wide-spread  vice,  is  its  certain  tendency  to  deprive  its  vo- 
taries of  all  regard  for  the  rights  of  those  who  live  purer 
and  more  smoky  lives. 

Our  public  conveyances  afford  a  constant  illustration 
of  this  unhappy  state  of  things.  On  many  of  our  street- 
cars smokers  are  positively  forbidden  to  ride,  while  non- 
smokers  are  freely  permitted  to  occupy  the  seats.  On 
board  our  ferry-boats  the  best  cabin  is  entirely  given  up  to 
victims  of  the  anti-tobacco  habit,  and  smokers  are  thrust 
into  a  nauseous  den  insultingly  called  the  "gents'  cabin.*' 
On  railway  trains  smokers  are  forced  to  occupy  the  car 
nearest  to  the  engine,  in  order  that  in  case  of  a  collision  they 
may  be  killed  or  wounded,  and  in  our  theatres  smoking  is 
absolutely  prohibited.  If  the  non-smokers  were  in  a  ma- 
jority, the  tameness  with  which  smokers  submit  to  .these 
humiliations  might  be  understood,  but  that  a  few  score 
men,  devoid  of  the  least  scent  of  tobacco,  and  without 
even  a  clay  pipe  in  their  possession,  should  be  permitted 
to  poison  themselves  with  pure  air  in  the  best  cabin  of  a 
ferry-boat  while  hundreds  of  smokers  are  driven  into  the 
"  gents'  cabin"  or  compelled  to  stand  on  deck,  is  a  curious 
and  disheartening  phase  of  American  civilization. 

In  fact  the  victims  of  the  anti-tobacco  habit  seem  de- 
termined to  forcibly  bring  all  mankind  under  the  dominion 
of  the  same  pernicious  vice.  They  are  not  ashamed  to 
confess  the  atrocious  sentiment  that  smokers  have  no 
rights  which  non-smokers  are  bound  to  respect.  If  they 
had  the  power  they  would  banish  tobacco  from  the  world, 
and  would  drive  the  smoker  out  of  existence.  The  Phila- 
delphian  who  will  neither  lodge,  feed,  nor  fleece  a  smolder 
is  only  a  little  more  outspoken  than  the  rest  of  his  class. 
Unless  steps  are  taken  to  arrest  the  flood  of  hostility  to 
tobacco  which  now  threatens  to  overwhelm  our  once  happy 
land,  the  near  future  will  be  one  from  which  every  enter- 
prising tobacconist  will  shrink  back  in  horror  and  dismay. 

What  is  needed  is  not  force,  but  argument.     We  must' 
leave  the  non-smoker  to  perceive  the  consequences  of  his 


GHOST  CA  TCHING. 


97 


body  and  soul  destroying  vice.  A  pledge  binding  its  signer 
to  use  a  definite  quantity  of  tobacco  daily  should  be  per- 
sistently circulated,  and  signatures  kindly  solicited.  Among 
the  young,  tobacco  societies  should  be  organized  and  in- 
fantile "bands  of  smoke"  should  make  war  with  banners, 
picnics,  and  other  efficient  weapons  against  the  giant  evil 
of  abstinence  from  tobacco.  If  this  is  done,  the  number 
of  those  who  are  confirmed  non-smokers  will  receive  few 
recruits,  and  in  time  it  will  be  possible  to  pass  a  law  in 
every  State  by  which  non-smokers  shall  be  tolerated  only 
on  the  forward  platforms  of  street  cars,  and  be  permitted 
to  ride  on  railway  trains  only  on  conditions  of  stowing 
themselves  among  the  coal  or  in  the  baggage  car. 

Of  course,  such  a  crusade  would  provoke  the  bitter 
hostility  of  the  enemies  of  tobacco.  The  wicked  inevit- 
ably hate  the  good  ;  but  pure  and  upright  men  can  afford 
to  brave  the  enmity  of  those  depraved  beings  who  insist 
that  pure  air  is  the  birthright  of  every  man,  and  that  no 
one  has  a  right  to  fill  his  neighbor's  nose  with  the  fumes  of 
tobacco  smoke.  These  atrocious  opinions  are  what  we 
might  naturally  expect  from  men  corrupted  by  years  of  ab- 
stinence from  tobacco,  and  they  deserve  only  a  pitying 
smile  from  those  who  lead  more  fragrant  and  cloudy  lives, 
and  have  a  better  knowledge  of  the  ways  of  salivation. 


GHOST  CATCHING. 

It  is  conceded  that  ^'hen  a  person  proposes  to  cook  a 
hare  the  first  thing  to  be  done  is  to  catch  the  hare.  Simi- 
larly it  has  occurred  to  most  persons  not  suffering  under  a 
belief  in  Spiritualism,  that  in  order  to  test  the  alleged 
ghostly  character  of  "  materialized  "  spirits  the  first  step 
is  to  catch  a  spirit.  Until  recently,  however,  no  one  has 
adopted  this  proper  course.  Investigators  have  attended 
the  exhibitions  of  materialized  ghosts,  and  have  shown  the 
utmost  carefulness  in  searching  for  concealed  trap-doors, 
theatrical  costumes,  and  gutta-percha  masks,  and  in  tying 
the  operating  medium  in  his  or  hei  chair  with  abstruse 
and    elaborate  knots.     All    this    labor  might  have    been 

7 


pS  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA NCIES. 

•  saved,  and  some  really  satisfactory  result  obtained,  if  an 
able-bodied  investigator  had  simply  caught  a  ghost  in  the 
act  of  exhibiting  itself  in  the  dim  irreligious  light,  and 
subjected  it  to  a  little  muscular  analysis.  If  the  alleged 
ghost  had  proved  to  be  flesh  and  blood  the  fraudulent 
character  of  the  "materialization  "  would  have  been  estab- 
lished, and  if,  on  the  contrary,  it  had  proved  to  be  spirit, 
the  existence  of  a  future  state  of  unmitigated  idiocy  would 
have  been  conclusively  demonstrated.  In  either  case  there 
would  have  been  no  necessity  for  any  further  investigation, 
and  the  thankless  task  of  tying  ropes  about  a  bony  me- 
diums ankles,  with  the  certainty  that  skeptical  people  would 
.  subsequently  insinuate  that  the  investigators  were  either 
idiots  or  confederates  of  the  medium,  would  have  been 
happily  avoided. 

It  is  pleasant  to  note  that  Mr.  Crum,  of  Rochester, 
has  finally  had  the  good  sense  to  begin  the  task  of  investi- 
gating the  materializing  business  in  the  only  rational  man- 
ner. Mrs.  Markee,  a  medium  of  extraordinary  powers, 
undertook  to  exhibit  a  company  of  select  and  first-class 
ghosts  to  a  Rochester  audience  a  few  nights  since.  Mrs. 
Markee  was  assisted  by  Mr.  Markee,  who  acted  as  master 
of  ceremonies  and  introduced  the  ghosts  with  brief  and 
complimentary  biographical  sketches.  The  medium  was 
tied  with  the  usual  ropes  in  the  usual  cabinet,  and  the 
audience  sang  hymns,  in  accordance  with  Mr.  Markee's  re- 
quest, doubtless  in  order  to  prevent  the  ghosts  from  cher- 
ishing any  longing  to  permanently  return  to  a  world  where 
people  who  cant  sing  are  always  ready  to  try  to  sing. 
After  the  spirit  of  Daniel  Webster  had  thrust  his  head  out 
of  the  window  of  the  cabinet,  and  made  the  astonishing 
revelation  that  there  was  "a  Mr.  Smith  "  in  the  audience, 
and  that  he  rather  thought  he  had  met  a  Mr.  Smith  while 
in  the  body,  the  ghost  of  "  Sarah  "  walked  out  upon  the 
platform,  clad  in  white,  and  materialized  to  the  apparent 
extent  of  a  hundred  and  fifty  pounds.  This  was  the  mo- 
ment for  which  Mr.  Crum  had  waited.  He  leaped  upon 
the  platform  and  seized  Sarah  in  his  arms.  The  ghost,  re- 
garding this  as  a  liberty,  shrieked  loudly  ;  Mr.  Markee 
caught  up  a  chair  and  knocked  the  investigator  down,  and 
Sarah,  escaping  into  the  cabinet  was  seen  no  more. 


GHOST  CA  TCHING.  ^g 

There  was  of  course  a  tremendous  uproar.  Mr.  Mar- 
kee  loudly  proposed  to  destroy  Mr.  Crum  on  the  spot,  as 
a  villain  who  had  laid  his  hand  on  a  female  ghost  in  other 
than  a  spirit  of  kindness.  Mr.  Crum  argued  that  his  destruc- 
tion was  unnecessary  and  undesirable ;  and  the  audience 
was  divided  in  opinion  as  to  whether  Crum  or  Markee  was 
the  person  who  stood  in  need  of  immediate  destruction. 
The  presence  of  mind  of  Daniel  Webster  happily  restored 
order.  That  eminent  ghost  yelled  out  of  the  cabinet  win- 
dow that  the  medium  would  die  if  the  audience  "  didn't 
everlastingly  sing  something,"  and  some  sympathetic  Spirit- 
ualist suddenly  striking  up  that  pathetic  hymn  beginning 
"  Tramp,  tramp,  tram|5,"  the  audience  joined  in,  and  Mr. 
Markee  .postponed  his  bloody  resolution. 

With  the  singing  of  the  hymn  the  exhibition  ended. 
Mrs.  Markee  was  found  in  the  cabinet  still  tightly  bound, 
and  with  her  face  covered  with  blood,  which,  as  Mr.  Markee 
explained,  was  in  some  vague  way  the  result  of  Sarah's 
hasty  "  dematerialization"  of  herself.  At  any  rate,  no 
wound  could  be  found  upon  her  person,  and  though  Mr. 
Markee,  with  great  liberality,  offered  to  put  a  bullet  through 
Mr.  Crum  or  to  provide  him  with  an  additional  and  obvious- 
ly superfluous  head,  he  finally  decided  that  his  first  duty 
was  to  wash  Mrs.  Markee,  and  to  send  Daniel  Webster  to 
inquire  whether  Sarah  sustained  any  serious  injury. 

It  is  not  to  be  denied  that  Mr.  Crum's  praiseworthy  ex- 
periment was  not  as  conclusive  in  its  results  as  he  had  a 
right  to  expect  that  it  would  be.  He  caught  his  ghost,  but 
from  circumstances  beyond  his  control  and  not  wholly  un- 
connected with  Mr.  Markee  and  a  heavy  chair,  he  was 
forced  to  abandon  his  captive  before  he  had  thoroughly 
analyzed  her.  He,  however,  unhesitatingly  asserts  that 
"  Sarah  "  was  a  real  woman,  and  no  known  variety  of 
ghost.  It  is  said  that  Mr.  Crum  is  an  intelligent  man,  and 
can  diagnose  a  woman  even  in  the  dark,  by  simply  putting 
his  arms  around  her,  as  he  did  around  Sarah.  Nevertheless 
the  Spiritualists  will  claim  that  inasmuch  as  he  did  not 
hand  "  Sarah  "  to  the  audience  for  inspection,  or  did  not 
capture  from  her  any  hair-pins  or  other  evidences  of  wo- 
manhood, he  has  not  yet  demonstrated  that  she  was  not  a 
genuine  and  unadulterated  ghost. 


I oo  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

It  is,  then,  chiefly  as  an  example  that  Mr.  Crum's  ex- 
ploit is  valuable.  He  is  the  first  man  who  has  tried  to 
investigate  materialized  spirits  in  a  truly  scientific  way, 
and  there  can  be  no  doubt  that  other  investigators  will 
be  found  who  will  pursue  the  same  system.  It  maybe  sug- 
gested, however,  that  it  is  not  necessary  to  seize  a  ghost 
with  one's  bare  hands.  No  sportsman  goes  out  to  hunt 
the  deer  or  to  capture  the  salmon  with  nothing  but  the 
w^eapons  which  nature  has  given  him.  The  investigator 
should  catch  his  ghosts  w^ith  a  scoop-net,  a  lasso,  or  a  boat- 
hook,  and  thus  make  reasonably  certain  of  his  prey,  while, 
at  the  same  time,  he  avoids  any  argument  with  the  medium's 
husband.  Had  Mr.  Crum,  instead  of  rashly  leaping  upon 
the  platform,  remained  in  his  seat  and  gathered  Sarah  to 
him  with  a  skilfully-throwm  lasso,  or  a  boat-hook  carefully 
inserted  in  her  waistband,  he  would  have  fairly  landed  his 
game  and  escaped  the  interference  of  Mr.  Markee.  In  fact 
the  chase  and  capture  of  the  materialized  ghost  can  be  made 
a  delightful  sport,  rivalling  fly-fishing  in  the  skill  wdflch  it 
postulates,  and  deer-shooting  in  the  size  of  the  "bag" 
which  the  sportsman  may  make.  Of  course,  not  more 
than  one  ghost  could  be  taken  in  a  single  evening  ;  but 
the  sportsman  who  should  return  from  a  materializing 
seaJice  with  a  hundred  and  fifty-pound  ghost  across  his 
shoulder  and  the  sweet  consciousness  of  having  demon- 
strated the  true  nature  of  materialization,  would  enjoy  a 
triumph  far  exceeding  that  which  the  fisherman  feels  on 
landing  a  six-pound  trout  or  a  thirty-pound  salmon. 


SUPERFLUOUS  SNAKES. 

It  may  be  safely  asserted  that  there  is  no  real  need  of 
any  addition  to  our  present  supply  of  snakes.  Any  man 
who  wishes  to  lay  in  a  full  stock  of  snakes,  from  the  dead- 
ly rattlesnake  to  what  may  be  delicately  mentioned  as  the 
elastic-ligature  snake,  can  do  so  at  a  very  trifling  expense. 
We  have  all  the  snakes  that  a  free,  intelligent,  and  Chris- 
tian nation  needs,  without  including  the   world    of  ideal 


SUPER FL  UO  US  SNAKES.  i  o  i 

snakes  in  which  the  consumer  of  Western  whiskey  is 
acci.stomecl  to  revel,  and  hence  any  attempt  to  increase  the 
number  of  North  American  snakes  shows  a  lack  of  judg- 
ment which  deserves  to  be  frankly  and  fnmly  rebuked. 

It  is  now  fully  two  years  since  an  enterprising  Western 
meteorologist  by  the  name  of  Tice  undertook  to  compete 
with  the  Signal  Service  Department  in  the  weather  busi- 
ness. Mr  Tice  at  first  attracted  a  good  deal  of  attention 
by  the  boldness  and  liberality  of  his  promises.  When  the 
Weather  Bureau  would  cautiously  predict  nothing  more 
startling  than  an  area  of  low  barometer  in  the  lake  region, 
followed  by  clear  or  cloudy  weather  somewhere  between 
Maine  and  California,  Mr.  Tice  would  predict  a  hurricane 
in  New  England,  extreme  heat,  together  with  frequent  ice- 
gorges  in  the  Middle  States, -and  an  assortment  of  selected 
earthquakes  in  the  region  of  the  gulf.  Of  course,  persons 
who  preferred  striking  and  sensational  weather  to  familiar 
every-day  weather,  ceased  to  patronize  the  old  established 
bureau,  and  gladly  dealt  with  Mr.  Tice.  In  time,  however, 
it  was  discovered  that  Mr.  Tice  promised  more  than  he 
performed,  and  that  his  weather  seldom  justified  his  enthu- 
siastic descriptions  of  it.  Thus  he  earned  the  reputation 
of  a  busy,  energetic,  but  not  altogether  trustworthy  person, 
and,  of  course,  his  business  gradually  decreased  as  his 
deceived  patrons  deserted  him  and  transferred  their  custom 
to  the  old  shop. 

In  these  circumstances,  Mr.  Tice  felt  that  bold  and 
decisive  measures  must  be  adopted,  unless  he  was  prepared 
to  retire  from  business  altogether.  It  was  just  at  this 
period  in  his  career  that  the  Western  part  of  our  Union 
was  visited  by  those  extraordinary  showers  of  butcher's 
meat,  frogs,  and  back  hair,  which  inspired  Western  editors 
with  the  hope  of  becoming  familiar  with  the  taste  of  meat, 
and  held  out  to  boarding-house  keepers  the  prospect  of  a 
substantial  decline  in  the  price  of  the  materials  for  butter 
manufacture.  It  is  not  certainly  known  that  these  meteoro- 
logical novelties  were  the  work  of  the  enterprising  Tice  ; 
but  it  is  very  certain  that  the  Weather  Bureau  had  nothing 
to  do  with  them.  That  Tice,  however,  should  attempt  some 
startling  novelty  in  the  line  of  weather  was  precisely  what 


I02  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

might  have  been  expected  by  those  who  were  familiar  with 
his  character  and  business  habits,  and  there  is  certainly  a 
strong  probability  that  he  was  the  real  originator  of  the 
meat  and  hair  showers. 

It  will  be  remembered  that  the  hopes  created  by  these 
remarkable  showers  were  never  realized.  The  meat  was 
found  to  be  little  better  than  mere  refuse,  and  was  so 
obviously  uneatable  that  even  the  local  cats  sniffed  at  it 
disdainfully.  The  back  hair  was  also  of  a  coarse  and 
brittle  nature,  and  w^as  unfit  either  for  toilet  or  butter  pur- 
poses. Thus,  Mr.  Tice's  showers,  although  they  "drew 
public  attention  to  him,  were  as  worthless  for  all  practical 
purposes  as  were  his  predictions  of  hurricanes  and  earth- 
quakes. They  possessed  a  certain  gaudy  and  meretricious 
brilliancy,  but  they  were  really  cheap  and  useless. 

Another  shower,  possessing  precisely  these  twin  features 
of  gaudiness  and  worthlessness,  has  just  taken  jDlace  at 
Memphis,  Tenn.  It  was  a  shower  of  small  snakes,  of  from 
six  inches  to  a  foot  in  length.  At  first  it  was  the  universal 
opinion  of  the  male  inhabitants  of  the  town  that  the  time 
for  signing  the  total  abstinen.ee  pledge  had  arrived,  and 
the  doctors'  offices  were  thronged  with  haggard  men,  who 
begged  for  composing  draughts,  and  swore  henceforth  to 
lead  temperate  and  sober  lives.  The  reality  of  the  snakes 
was,  however,  thoroughly  substantiated  by  hundreds  of  the 
women  of  Memphis,  who  rushed  wildly  through  the  streets, 
clutching  their  tightly-folded  skirts,  and  occasionally  deal- 
ing fierce  blows  at  their  surprised  ankles.  It  was  not  long 
before  the  snakes  wriggled  out  of  sight ;  the  frightened 
men  returned  to  their  accustomed  beverage,  and  the  excited 
women  sought  comfort  and  consolation  in  hysterics.  A 
few  snakes  were  thoughtfully  captured  and  preserved  in 
alcohol  by  fearless  members  of  the  Good  Templar  society, 
and  these  still  remain  to  prove  the  truth  of  the  unprecedented 
shower  of  snakes. 

Now,  if  Mr.  Tice  is  responsible  for  this  last  and  most 
useless  of  all  abnormal  meteorological  phenomena,  he  should 
be  plainly  dealt  with.  If  we  are  to  have  showers  of  o*her 
materials  than  rain,  snow,  and  hail,  let  us  have  something 
that  is  useful  as  well  as  novel.     When   the  Israelites  were 


A  NEW  SOCIETY.  103 

hungry,  they  were  refreshed  with  showers  of  good,  whole- 
some manna,  which,  when  nicely  cooked  and  seasoned  with 
a  little  Chutney  or  Worcestershire  sauce,  was  extremely 
palatable.  A  shower  of  sausages,  or  pork  chops,  or  shell- 
fish, would,  perhaps,  have  been  equally  interesting  to 
scientific  Hebrews,  but  such  showers  would  have  been  use- 
less from  a  culinary  point  of  view,  while  a  shower  of  snakes 
would  probably  have  driven  the  Hebrews  back  to  Egypt — 
where  undesirable  showers  of  all  sorts  were  accustomed 
to  fall  exclusively  upon  the  Egyptians.  If  Mr.  Tice  wants 
to  advertise  his  weather  business,  he  should  prepare  a  few 
inexpensive  but  useful  showers  of  such  materials  as  dried 
beef,  pickles,  or  condensed  milk.  He  would  thus  earn  the 
gratitude  of  the  public,  and  would  completely  undermine 
the  popularity  of  the  Washington  Weather  Bureau.  Such 
a  miserable  trick  as  a  shower  of  snakes  is,  however,  utterly 
inexcusable,  and  if  Mr.  Tice  ventures  to  repeat  it,  he  should 
be  prosecuted  under  the  statute  which  forbids  any  one  to 
deface  natural  scenery  with  business  advertisements. 


A  NEW  SOCIETY. 

The  world  is  alleged  to  be  full  of  mute,  inglorious 
Miltons  and  other  great  men,  who  for  lack  of  opportunity 
have  never  been  able  to  demonstrate  their  greatness.  This 
is  their  misfortune,  and  it  should  entitle  them  to  the  pity 
and  consideration  of  their  fellow-men.  Nevertheless,  in 
at  least  one  respect  these  unknown  great  men  are  treated 
with  unfeeling  coarseness.  When  a  statesman,  author,  or 
other  person  of  notoriety  dies,  his  friends  are  frequently 
guilty  of  the  bad  taste  of  having  his  brains  weighed  and 
the  result  widely  published.  Thus,  when  Daniel  Webster 
died  and  his  brains  were  put  on  the  scales,  the  public  was 
informed  that  they  w^eighed  about  twice  as  much  as  the 
brains  of  the  average  statesman,  and  that  hence  his  excep- 
tional intellectual  greatness  was  beyond  all  question. 
Now,  at  that  date,  there  were  thousands  of  young  men  in 
the    New  England  States  alone,  each  one  of   whom  was 


1 04  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

perfectly  confident  that  he  was  at  least  the  equal  of  Mr. 
Webster  in  intellect,  and  that  he  had  in  all  probability  from 
live  to  seven  or  eight  more  pounds  of  brain  than  Mr. 
Webster's  skull  could  possibly  have  held.  But  how  could 
these  young  men  demonstrate  their  wealth  of  brains  ? 
When  Mr.  Webster's  iriends  flaunted  his  brains  in  the  face 
of  the  public  and  asserted  that  no  other  New  Englauder 
could  furnish  an  equal  quantity,  they  knew  that  their  chal- 
lenge was  a  hollow  mockery.  The  ambitious  young  man 
who  felt  sure  that  his  brains  would  outweigh  Mr.  Webster's 
also  knew  that  a  fair  count  was  out  of  the  question.  He 
could  not  have  his  brains  weighed  while  living,  and  he  was 
morally  certain  that  were  he  to  die,  no  one  would  take  the 
trouble  to  \veigh  them.  Thus  his  feelings  were  outraged, 
and  he  was  virtually  taunted  with  his  accidental  insignifi- 
cance. Only  the  favorites  of  fortune  possessed  the  privi- 
lege of  having  their  brains  weighed,  while  men  equally 
great  in  their  own  estimation  were  compelled  to  take  their 
brains  with  them  to  the  silent  tomb,  without  being  allowed 
the  consolation  of  having  them  weighed  upon  a  platform 
scale  or  measured  in  a  bushel  "basket. 

The  dissatisfaction  which  this  grossly  unfair  system  of 
brain-weighing  has  created  has  finally  led  to  the  establish- 
ment of  a  brain-weighing  society  on  tlie  part  of  a  number 
of  Frenchmen  whose  intellectual  greatness  the  Academy 
and  the  nation  have  hitherto  refused  to  recognize.  Mem- 
bers of  this  society  bind  themselves  to  bequeath  their 
corpses  to  the  society,  and  in  return  the  society  engages  to 
discover  and  weigh  the  brains  of  all  its  deceased  members, 
and  to  publish  the  result  in  its  official  journal.'  Every 
Frenchman  who  feels  confident  that  his  brain  would  make 
a  creditable  appearance,  if  properly  placed  on  exhibition, 
will  hasten  to  join  this  society,  and  will  thus  be  enabled  to 
leave,  as  a  precious  legacy  to  his  family,  a  handsomely 
engrossed  certificate  setting  forth  the  exact  weight  of  his 
brain,  and  thus  showing  that  he  had  been  the  possessor 
of  a  really  gigantic  intellect,  although  while  living  the  public 
had  refused  to  recognize  the  fact.  Henceforth  the  honor 
of  having  their  brains  weighed  will  no  longer  be  the  mo- 
nopoly (^f  a  privileged  class,  but  the  most  modest  and  obscure 


A  NEW  SOCIETY 


OS 


Frenchman  can  join  the  INIutual  Brain-Weighing  Society,  and 
enjoy  the  certainty  of  receiving  justice  after  his  death. 

It  is  certainly  to  be  hoped  that  a  society  so  beneficent 
in  its  purpose  will  prove  a  brilliant  success,  but  it  is  possi- 
ble that  the  present  expectations  of  its  founders  may  be 
disappointed.  When  it  occurs  to  M.  Thiers  to  remember 
;hat  he  has  neglected  to  die  for  a  long  series  of  years,  and 
when  he  accordingly  repairs  that  neglect,  and  his  brains  are 
duly  weighed,  the  society  will  naturally  be  anxious  to  show 
that  among  its  members  are  those  who  in  weight  of  brains 
equal  or  even  surpass  the  veteran  statesman.  There  will, 
hence,  be  a  strong  temptation  to  seize  upon  the  member 
who  possesses  the  largest  head  and  to  weigh  his  brains 
without  delay,  in  order  to  check  the  boastings  of  M.  Thiers' 
admirers.  This  temptation  may  be  resisted  during  the 
early  period  of  the  society,  but  the  day  will  come  when  the 
man  with  the  large  head  will  be  informed  that  if  he  does 
not  care  enough  for  the  honor  of  the  society  to  voluntarily 
surrender  his  brains,  they  must  be  forcibly  weighed,  no  mat- 
ter how  much  inconvenience  the  process  may  give  him. 
Thus,  membership  in  the  society  will  become  a  hazardous 
thing  for  men  who  boast  that  they  are  obliged  to  wear  un- 
usually large  hats,  and  in  time  only  those  possessing  small 
or  moderately  sized  heads- will  venture  to  join  it. 

With  the  defection  of  the  large-headed  element,  the 
society  would  lose  all  interest  in  cerebral  investigations. 
To  huat  all  over  the  body  of  a  small  Frenchman  for  the 
trifle  of  brain  that  he  may  have  concealed  about  his  person 
would  be  a  tedious  and  thankless  task.  The  friends  of  the 
corpse  would  be  indignant  at  receiving  a  certificate  announc- 
ing that  the  brain  of  the  deceased  brother  weighed  two  and 
a  half  scruples,  and  the  heartless  world  would  mock  and 
jeer  at  the  society.  No  organization  of  Frenchmen  can 
withstand  ridicule,  and  in  a  short  time  the  society  for 
mutual  brain-weighing  would  be  laughed  out  of  existence, 
and  the  dissectino^  instruments  and  patent  scales  would  be 
sold  at  auction. 


io6  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


A  MYSTERY  SOLVED. 


An  eminent  statistician  has  madetlie  assertion  that  there 
were  64,000  book-agents  in  this  country  in  1876,  of  whom 
1,000  committed  suicide.  Painful  as  it  is  to  every  reverent 
mind  to  cast  doubt  upon  figures,  it  must  be  said  that  there 
is  reason  to  suspect  the  accuracy  of  this  statistician's  state- 
ment. It  is  one  of  the  leading  principles  of  the  science  of 
statistics  that  a  round  number  is  essentially  suspicious. 
Had  the  astronomers  told  us  that  the  sun  is  distant  from 
the  earth  exactly  95,000,000  miles,  they  would  not  have 
commanded  our  confidence  ;  but  when  they  call  the  dis- 
tance 94,723,674  miles  and  i^}^  feet,  we  surrender  at  once, 
and  admit  the  impossibility  of  contradicting  such  evidently 
sincere  figures.  Perhaps  the  chief  reason  why  astronom- 
ical calculations  are  so  universally  regarded  as  impregna- 
bly  true  is  the  fact  that,  in  every  single  case  in  which  the 
astronomers  have  decided  upon  the  distance  of  any  star 
from  the  earth,  they  have  avoided  the  use  of  round  num- 
bers ;  while  in  terrestrial  measurements  they  have  taken 
the  precaution  to  add  rows  of  decimals  to  every  set  of 
figures.  The  man  who  would  express  skepticism  as  to 
decimals  is  not  far  from  atheism,  and  can  have  no  particle 
of  reverence  in  his  nature.  In  view  of  this  principle,  we  are 
compelled  to  doubt  that  there  were  last  year  precisely 
64,000  book-agents  and  that  precisely  1,000  of  them  died 
by  their  own  hands — or  tongues.  We  might  have  believed 
in  64,012  book-agents,  and  unsuspectingly  rejoiced  in  the 
death  of  974^8  ;  but  the  numbers  as  stated  are  too  symmet- 
rical to  warrant  entire  confidence. 

It  has  long  been  known  to  profound  students  of  crimi- 
nal statistics  that  there  is  a  mystery  concerning  vhe  fate  of 
those  unhappy  beings  who  practice  the  nefarious  occupa- 
tion of  book-agency.  Unless  a  book-agent  happens  to  be 
killed  by  a  railroad  accident,  or  fatally  injured  by  an  ex- 
ceptionally vigorous  stroke  of  lightning,  we  never  hear  of 
his  death.  The  assiduous  attendant  of  funerals  has  never 
heard  the  officiating  clergyman  remaric :  '*'  Alas,  our  dear 


A   MYSTERY  SOLVED. 


107 


departed  brother  was  a  book-agent."  The  most  exuberant 
obituary  cokunn  of  a  Philadelphia  newspaper  never  con- 
tained a  notice  of  the  death  of  a  book-agent.  Neither  the 
Roman  nor  the  Anglican  Prayer  book  contains  a  service 
for  the  funeral  of  book-agents,  although  special  services 
for  the  benefit  of  criminals  in  prison  and  those  condemned 
to  the  gallows  are  thoughtfully  provided.  We  may  search 
ecclesiastical  law  in  vain  for  a  provision  authorizing  the 
burial  of  book-agents  in  consecrated  ground  ;  and,  finally, 
there  is  not  a  medical  journal  in  the  country  which  con- 
tains an  account  of  the  illness  or  death  of  a  single  mem- 
ber of  that  pernicious  class.  The  conclusion  is  inevitable. 
The  book-agent  does  not  die  after  the  manner  of  other  and 
better  men.  No  physician  accelerates  his  death  with  drugs  ; 
no  clergyman  tries  to  awaken  his  dying  conscience  and  no 
undertaker  has  the  satisfaction  of  placing  him  where  he 
will  do  the  most  good.  What,  then,  is  the  solution  of  the 
mystery  which  clouds  the  end  of  the  book-agent  ? 

There  is  no  doubt  that  to  some  extent  he  does  commit 
suicide.  It  is  impossible  that  he  should  always  be  the 
utterly  hardened  and  pitiless  being  that  he  ordinarily  seem.s. 
At  times  the  sense  of  his  isolation  from  mankind  must 
overpower  him.  When  he  sees  women  fleeing  in  terror 
from  his  approach,  and  strong  men  grasping  clubs,  and 
babies  falling  into  sudden  colic,  he  must  wish  that  he  had 
the  brand  of  Cain,  or  some  other  comparatively  inoffensive 
label,  upon  his  brazen  brow.  It  is  also  possible  that  an 
occasional  book-agent  becomes  a  prey  to  remorse,  as  he  re- 
members the  consumptive  clergyman  whom  he  talked  to 
the  borders  of  the  grave,  or  the  lone  widow  whom  he 
reduced  to  imbecility  by  an  hour's  relentless  exposition  of 
the  merits  of  a  new  cook-book.  There  is  no  doubt  that 
remorse  and  a  vivid  sense  of  the  last  stalwart  Irishman  to 
whom  he  tried  to  sell  Fox's  Book  of  Martyrs  have  some- 
times driven  the  book-agent  to  suicide.  To  suppose,  how- 
ever, that  during  any  one  year  a  thousand  book-agents  thus 
evinced  the  possession  of  human  emotions  is  manifestly 
preposterous.  Very  probably  a  thousand  book-agents  did 
disappear  in  1876,  but  only  a  very  small  proportion  of 
them  committed  suicide.  No  man,  says  the  Roman  poet, 
can  suddenly  become  a    book-agent.       When  we    reflect 


1 08  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

upon  the  total  elimination  of  shame  and  pity  which  a  man 
must  undergo  before  he  can  become  an  open  and  avowed 
book-agent,  it  is  evident  that  only  in  rare  cases  does  he  re- 
tain sufficient  moral  susceptibility  to  feel  the  propriety  of 
withdrawing  from  the  world. 

It  is  manifest  that  the  book-agent  cannot  die  as  other 
men  die.  He  has  neither  home  nor  friends,  and  when  he 
is  taken  ill  the  landlord  of  the  hotel  at  which  he  is  stopping 
cannot,  in  justice  to  his  fellow-men,  permit  any  one  to 
incur  the  terrible  risk  of  venturing  into  the  sick-room.  No 
doctor  will  visit  his  bedside,  for  fear  that  the  patient  may 
revive  and  attempt  to  sell  him  a  Handbook  of  Domestic 
Medicine,  and  the  bravest  clergyman,  if  summoned  to  attend 
a  dying  book-agent,  would  reply  that  the  unhappy  man  had 
put  himself  beyond  the  pale  of  priestly  ministrations,  and 
that  no  clergyman,  with  a  family  depending  upon  him  for 
support,  had  a  right  to  risk  his  life  or  reason  by  voluntarily 
entering  the  presence  of  a  book-agent.  Knowing  these 
facts,  the  book-agent  carefully  avoids  dying  in  a  hotel. 
When  he  feels  his  last  hour  approaching  he  takes  his  imple- 
ments of  crime  in  his  bundle,  and  seeks  the  depths  of  some 
lonely  forest.  Then  he  makes  a  pillow  of  the  last  new 
humorous  book,  and,  placing  his  other  books  by  his  side, 
repeats  aloud  the  familiar  lecture  upon  their  alleged  merits 
which  has  so  often  maddened  the  strong  and  crushed  the 
weak.  The  frightened  birds  and  outraged  chipmunks  fly 
from  the  scene,  and  not  until  his  lessening  voice  has  finally 
faded  into  silence  do  the  cautious  crows  assemble  to  dis- 
cuss the  possibility  of  digesting  him. 

Such  is  the  manner  of  the  book-agent's  death  ;  such  is 
the  solution  of  the  mystery  of  his  disappearance.  Perhaps, 
years  afterward,  a  hunter  discovers  his  bleached  skeleton, 
and  it  figures  in  the  local  newspapers  as  a  "Probable 
Fiendish  Crime."  Perhaps  his  bones  molder  away  unseen 
by  human  eye.  Will  not  the  young  take  warning  by  this 
terrible  picture,  and  forbear  to  indulge  in  murder  or  bur- 
glary, or  any  of  those  seemingly  unimportant  crimes  which, 
nevertheless,  sear  the  conscience  and  drag  their  votary 
downward  until  at  last  he  takes  the  fatal  plunge,  and  be- 
comes a  pitiless,  shameless,  club-and-stove-lid-defying  book- 
agent. 


THE  HA T  PR OBLEM.  1 09 


THE  HAT  PROBLEM. 


Among  the  most  fascinating  questions  upon  which 
profound  and  subtle  thinkers  are  in  the  habit  of  speculat- 
ing is  the  question,  what  shall  a  man  do  with  his  hat  in 
church  ?  Great  men  in  every  age  have  grappled  with  this 
problem  without  reaching  any  satisfactory  conclusion.  It 
is  true  that  the  Jews  have  tried  to  solve  it  by  wearing  their 
hats  in  the  synagogue,  but  this  is  a  subterfuge  unworthy  of 
Christianity,  and  not  much  better  than  Spinoza's  plan  of 
evading  the  issue  by  not  going  to  church  at  all.  We,  in 
this  enlightened  and  Christian  age,  recognize  the  necessity 
of  going  to  church,  and  the  duty,  while  in  the  sacred 
edifice,  of  putting  our  hats  somewhere  else  than  on  our 
heads.  Where  to  put  them  is  still  as  unsettled  a  question 
to-day  as  it  was  eighteen  hundred  years  ago. 

Of  all  the  various  expedients  by  which  ingenious 
church-goers  have  endeavored  to  safely  dispose  of  their 
hats,  there  is  not  one  that  has  not  been  abundantly  proved 
to  be  fallacious.  To  hold  one's  hat  continually  in  one's 
lap  is  practicable  only  in  a  Quaker  meeting-house,  where 
the  worshippers  remain  seated  during  the  entire  service, 
and  never  use  any  devotional  implements,  such  as  prayer- 
books  and  hymn-books.  No  man  could  successfully  balance 
a  hat  in  one  hand  and  find  the  Epistle  for  the  twenty- 
second  Sunday  after  Trinity  with  the  other  hand ;  while  to 
stand  up  in  order  to  repeat  the  Creed  or  to  sing  a  hymn, 
with  a  hat  under  the  left  arm,  would  be  the  height  of 
absurdity.  The  hat,  then,  must  be  laid  entirely  aside 
during  divine  service,  and  our  churches,  being  constructed 
with  exclusive  reference  to  souls  instead  of  hats,  afford  no  VC^ 
resting-places  for  the  latter. 

The  extreme  danger  of  placing  a  hat  in  the  aisle  im- 
mediately outside  the  pew  is  universally  known.  The  first 
lady  that  sweeps  up  the  aisle  carries  with  her  a  confused 
mass  of  defenseless  hats,  which  are  deposited  in  the  shape 
of  a  terminal  moraine  in  the  front  of  the  pew  which  is  her 


1 1  o  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

final  goal.  Of  course  the  hats  which  have  been  subjected 
to  this  process  are  reduced  by  attrition  to  a  rounded  form 
and  are  covered  with  scratches,  reminding  one  of  the 
marks  of  glacial  action  on  granite  boulders.  However 
interesting  they  may  be  to  the  geologist,  they  are  of  no 
further  value  as  hats,  and  can  rarely  be  bent  into  a  shape 
that  will  allow  their  owners  to  wear  them  home.  In  the 
days  when  expansive  crinolines  were  in  fashion,  the  fate  of 
the  hat  deposited  in  the  aisle  was  still  more  appalling. 
When  a  well-dressed  lady  passed  by  in  its  vicinity,  it  dis- 
appeared totally  from  human  sight.  There  are  cases  on 
record  where  one  fashionable  woman  has  thus  caused  the 
disappearance  of  thirteen  separate  hats  during  her  passage 
from  the  church-door  to  a  pew  in  the  neighborhood  of  the 
pulpit.  What  was  the  final  fate  of  those  hats  was  never 
ascertained.  Their  owners  simply  knew  that  they  vanished 
at  the  rustle  of  crinoline,  and  left  no  trace  behind. 
Whether  they  were  absorbed  by  contact  with  soft  kid,  or 
resolved  into  their  chemical  elements  by  proximity  to  steel, 
is  yet  to  be  discovered.  The  boldest  men  shrank  from 
making  investigations  a§  to  their  fate,  and  preferred  to 
bear  their  loss  in  sad  and  dignified  silence. 

Next  to  the  aisle,  the  pew-seat  is  the  most  dangerous 
position  in  which  a  hat  can  be  placed.  Statistics  show 
that  out  of  every  one  hundred  hats  thus  situated,  sixty  are 
sat  upon  by  their  owners,  thirt3'-five  are  sat  upon  by  other 
people,  and  only  five  escape  uninjured.  It  is  a  curious  fact 
that  more  men  sit  down  on  their  hats  after  repeating  the 
Creed  than  after  reading  the  Psalms  or  performing  any 
other  perpendicular  part  of  the  service  ;  and  another 
curious  fact  is  the  attraction  which  a  hat  thus  exposed 
upon  a  seat  exerts  upon  a  fat  person.  Neither  of  these 
facts  has  ever  been  satisfactorily  explained,  although  they 
are  matters  of  general  notoriety.  A  man  may  enter  a 
remote  pew  in  a  strange  church,  and  place  his  hat  on  the 
seat  in  a  position  where  it  is  impossilDle  that  a  fat  man 
could  perceive  it  on  entering  the  church.  Nevertheless, 
experience  has  shown  that  in  six  cases  out  of  ten — or,  to 
be  exact,  in  6.139  cases — the  sexton  will  show  a  fat  man 
into  that  precise  pew  within  ten  minutes  after  the  hat  is  in 


THE  HA  T  PROBLEM.  i  j  i 

position,  while  other  and  further  fat  men  will  from  time  to 
time  hover  about  the  locality,  with  the  evident  desire  of 
ascertaining  if  the  hat  is  still  susceptible  of  further  smash- 
ing. There  is  clearly  a  law  of  nature  at  woik  here  which 
needs  to  be  definitely  formulated,  and  it  is  discreditable  tr 
science  that  this  has  not  yet  been  done. 

As  to  putting  one's  hat  on  the  floor  underneath  thf 
seat,  no  man  who  follows  this  reckless  course  can  expec. 
anything  but  disaster.  If  there  is  a  small-boy  in  the  pew, 
he  will  infallibly  discover  that  hat,  and  kick  it  to  the 
further  end  of  the  pew  within  the  first  thirty  minutes  of  the 
service.  If  there  is  a  lady  in  the  pew,  a  surgical  operation 
will  be  required  to  remove  her  boot  from  the  interior  of 
the  hat,  while  in  any  event  the  hat  is  certain  to  absorb 
every  particle  of  dust  within  a  radius  of  eight  feet,  and  to 
fasten  itself  to  the  floor  with  the  aid  of  forgotten  Sunda}^- 
school  gum-drops.  Neither  under  the  .seat,  on  the  seat, 
nor  in  the  aisle  can  the  wearied  hat  find  rest,  and  the  plan 
of  establishing  a  hat  pound  in  the  vestibule,  where  hats 
could  be  ticketed  and  kept  during  service,  would  simply 
result  in  converting  a  church  into  a  hat-exchange,  where 
the  sinners  would  secure  all  the  good  hats,  and  the  saints 
w^ould  be  compelled  to  content  themselves  with  worn-out 
and  worthless  ones.  ^ 

Thus  a  severe  and  exhaustive  process  of  reasoning 
shows  that  there  is  no  place  in  a  modern  church  where  a 
hat  can  be  reasonably  safe.  But  let  us  be  thankful  that 
we  are  at  the  dawn  of  better  things.  A  clever  inventor 
has  just  devised  a  plan  for  solving  the  problem  that  has  so 
long  baffled  the  acutest  minds.  He  has  secured  a  patent 
for  what  he  calls  "  an  improved  pew  hat-holder."  It  con- 
sists of  a  sort  of  wire  cage  attached  to  the  back  of  che  pew, 
and  intended  as  a  receptacle  for  hats.  When  filled  this 
receptacle  revolves,  and  carries  its  precious  freight  into  a 
safe  and  obscure  recess,  whence  it  is  alleged  that  it  can 
be  withdrawn  in  an  uninjured  condition  at  the  end  of  the 
service.  Let  us  hope  that  the  inventor  is  not  too  sanguine, 
and  that  his  scheme  will  meet  all  the  exigencies  of  the 
case.  Who  can  tell  how  great  will  be  the  effect  upon  the 
spiritual  welfare  of  the  community  when  the  masculine 
church-goer  can  dismiss  his  hat  from  his  mind  and  give 
his  undivided  attention  to  other,  purer,  and  better  themes. 


1 1 2  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 


THE  USES  OF  DYNAMITE. 

Among  recent  inventions  which  deserve  notice,  are  two 
new  applications  of  the  explosive  power  of  dynamite,  at 
least  one  of  which  promises  to  be  of  substantial  benefit  to 
civilization,  while  both  are  evidently  the  work  of  ingenious 
philanthropists. 

Mr.  Duncan,  of  Nitshill,  Scotland,  is — or  rather  was — • 
a  poor  and  humble  miner,  but  his  name  will  live  with  those 
of  the  discoverers  of  vaccination  and  anasthesia.  Various 
causes,  among  which  was  a  tendency  on  the  part  of  Mr. 
Duncan's  fellow-townsmen  to  speak  slightingly  of  his  moral 
and  mining  character,  led  him  to  resolve  to  quit  an  un- 
appreciative  and  heartless  world.  In  such  circumstances, 
an  ordinary  Scotchman  would  probably  have  bought  a  copy 
of  some  humorous  work,  and  killed  himself  with  a  few 
pages  of  jokes  ;  or  he  would  have  set  free  his  personal 
spirit  with  the  pistol,  the  rope,  or  the  vial  of  poison.  But 
Mr.  Duncan  was  not  an  ordinary  man.  He  was  anxious  to 
die,  but  he  was  unwilling  to  annoy  his  surviving  friends  by 
leaving  his  body  in  their  hands.  He  felt  that  no  true 
gentleman  ought  to  leave  his  corpse  littering  up  the  street 
or  incumbering  his  neighbor's  fish-pond,  and  that  it  would 
be  little  less  than  robbery  were  he  to  compel  other  people 
to  undertake  the  trouble  and  expense  of  burying  him.  He 
therefore  sought  some  way  by  which  he  could  commit  sui- 
cide, and  at  the  same  time  effectually  dispose  of  his  body, 
and  the  result  of  this  search  was  the  invention  which  is  sure 
to  make  him  famous. 

One  day  the  small-boys  of  Nitshill  perceived  Mr.  Dun- 
can in  the  act  of  issuing  from  his  house,  with  a  tin  can  and 
a  length  of  fuse  under  his  arm.  On  reaching  the  middle 
ot  the  street  he  placed  the  can  on  the  ground,  lighted  the 
end  of  the  fuse,  and  inserting  the  other  end  in  the  can, 
leaned  over  it  in  a  thoughtful  though  unusual  attitude. 
Confident  that  here  was  a  rare  opportunity  for  safely  up- 


THE  USES  OF  DYNAMITE.  113 

setting  the  unpopular  miner,  the  boys  steathil}^  approached 
him.  Suddenly  he  caught  sight  of  them,  and  yelled  to  them 
to  fly  for  their  lives.  They  did  so,  but  almost  immediately 
the  can  exploded  with  a  tremendous  report.  When  the 
smoke  cleared  away,  Mr.  Duncan  and  the  tin  can  had 
vanished.  A  few  pounds  of  dynamite  had  blown  that  in- 
pfenious  man  into  such  small  fra^^ments  that  no  coroner 
has  been  able  to  find  a  piece  of  him  sufficiently  large  to 
warrant  an  inquest  or  to  require  a  funeral. 

As  a  means  of  easy  and  successful  suicide,  Mr.  Dun- 
can's invention  is  nearly  faultless.  It  kills  its  man  in  the 
most  thorough  manner,  and  without  leaving  a  particle  of 
waste.  Those  who  use  it  run  no  risk  of  spoiling  carpets 
or  of  poisoning  ponds,  and  inflict  no  gratuitous  corpses 
upon  innocent  people,  who  have  no  desire  for  such  gifts, 
and  who  grudge  the  funeral  expenses  which  they  entail.  If 
the  suicide  is  only  careful  to  explode  his  dynamite  in  locali- 
ties where  there  will  be  no  danger  of  accidentally  blowing 
up  unwary  spectators,  it  will  be  impossible  to  find  any 
reasonable  fault  with  him.  Thanks  to  Mr.  Duncan,  the 
suicide  need  no  longer  be  an  expensive  nuisance,  but  he 
can  quietly  take  his  dynamite  into  a  vacant  lot  and  dis- 
tribute himself  in  the  shape  of  impalpable  and  inoffensive 
dust  over  miles  of  surrounding  country. 

While  Mr.  Duncan's  invention  shows  that  an  humble 
miner  may  possess  both  inventive  genius  and  a  rare  delicacy 
of  feeling,  the  inventor  of  the  dynamite  machine  which 
lately  exploded  in  a  New  Jersey  baggage-car  deserves  as 
much  credit  for  his  ingenuity  and  philanthropy.  It  is  strange 
that  the  real  purpose  of  the  latter  machine  has  been  so 
completely  misunderstood.  Most  people  have  jumped  to 
the  conclusion  that  the  inventor  was  a  wretch  who  intended 
to  blow  up  the  baggage-car,  either  in  order  to  rob  the  pas- 
sengers in  the  ensuing  confusion,  or  to  defraud  some  in- 
surance company.  The  fact  that,  while  the  machine  con- 
tained sufficient  dynamite  to  blow  to  pieces  the  trunk  in 
which  it  was  placed,  it  did  not  contain  enough  to  do  any 
serious  damage  to  the  train,  ought  to  demonstrate  the  false- 
ness of  the  popular  theory  as  to  its  purpose.  If  the  inven- 
tor had  wished  to  wreck  the  train,  he  could  have  filled  the 

8 


114 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


trunk  with  d3aiannte  enough  to  throw  the  passengers  all 
over  the  State  of  New  Jersey ;  whereas,  in  point  of  fact,  he 
only  placed  in  it  a  small  bursting  charge.  Clearly  his  motive 
was  not  that  which  has  been  ascribed  to  him,  and  at  the 
same  time  the  object  which  he  undoubtedly  had  in  view  is 
so  obvious  that  there  ought  never  to  have  been  any  doubt 
as  to  it. 

That  inventor  was  a  man  w^hose  honest  indignation  had 
been  excited  by  the  havoc  wrought  among  trunks  by  the 
railway  baggage-smashers.  In  all  probability  his  own  trunk 
had  been  smashed  on  its  way  to  and  from  the  Philadelphia 
Exhibition  ;  but,  at  all  events,  he  had  seen  the  trunks  of 
his  fellow-men  brutally  hurled  from  car  to  platform,  and 
utterly  and  irretrievably  ruined.  He  felt  that  so  desperate 
an  evil  deserved  a  desperate  remedy,  and  he  therefore  pre- 
pared a  trunk  which  would  teach  a  wholesome  moral  lesson 
to  the  baggage  fiend.  There  is  no  doubt  that  had  the  trunk 
in  question,  with  its  charge  of  d3aiamite,  been  handled  by 
the  ordinary  baggage-smasher,  in  the  ordinary  manner,  he 
would  have  been  suddenly  convinced  of  the  error  of  his 
ways,  while  the  appearance  presented  by  specimens  of  his 
remains  would  have  struck  terror  to  his  companions  in  crime. 
If  baggage-smashers  should  once  fully  grasp  the  idea  that 
a  trunk  may  contain  dynamite,  they  will  abandon  their 
nefarious  practices,  and  will  handle  trunks  with  the  most 
exemplary  care.  Even  the  premature  explosion  in  the 
New  Jersey  baggage-car  will  not  be  without  its  beneficent 
effects,  for,  although  no  baggage-smasher  was  immediately 
benefited  by  it,  the  evil-doers  cannot  avoid  presuming  that 
the  avenger  is  on  their  path,  and  that  his  invention  m.ay  be 
tried  again,  and  with  more  marked  and  satisfactory  results. 


A  MODEL  CITY. 

Dr.  Richardson  is  an  English  Scientific  Person  who  has 
invented  a  new  style  of  scientific  city,  which  is  shortly  to 
be  built  upon  land  already  secured  for  the  purpose.  All 
that  remains  to  be  done  is  for  Dr.  Richardson  to  discover 


A  MODEL  CITY.  n^ 

the  money  wherewith  to  build  his  city,  and  to  invent  a 
popuhition  willing  to  live  in  it.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  he 
will  succeed  in  both  these  endeavors,  for  the  plan  of  his 
new  city,  as  set  ^orth  by  him  in  an  elaborate  pamphlet,  is 
extremely  ingenious  and  attractive. 

Hygeia,  as  the  model  city  will  be  called,  is  to  be  built 
on  the  slope  of  a  hill,  so  as  to  afford  ample  facilities  for 
draining,  and  for  sliding  in  icy  weather.  It  is  to  be  laid 
out  in  rectangular  form,  and  the  streets  are  to  be  paved 
with  wood  set  in  asphalt.  There  will  be  no  street  railways, 
but  underneath  each  of  the  principal  avenues  will  be  under- 
ground railroads.  The  houses,  of  which  there  are  to  be 
exactly  twenty  thousand,  will  be  built  of  brick,  and  placed 
on  vaulted  foundations,  without  cellars.  Each  house  is  to 
be  nicely  surrounded  with  trees,  and  in  addition  to  hot  and 
cold  water  and  gas,  will  be  supplied  with  ozone  from  a 
central  ozone  manufactory.  The  sewage  is  to  be  used  for 
farming  purposes,  and  the  corpses  of  dead  inhabitants  will 
be  buried  in  wicker  baskets,  wherever  they  will  do  the  most 
good,  instead  of  being  wasted  in  cemeteries.  None  of  the 
residents  ^^•ill  be  allowed  to  drink  wine  or  use  tobacco,  and 
even  the  chimneys  will  be  forbidden  to  smoke.  It  is  Dr. 
Richardson's  opinion  that  with  the  aid  of  an  able  municipal 
medical  staff,  the  death-rate  in  Hygeia  will  be  reduced  to 
8  in  every  i,ooo.  As  the  death-rate  in  New  York  is  28 
per  1,000  there  is  no  doubt  that  the  Hygeians  will  be,  in 
comparison,  an  exceptionally  healthy  people.  But  how  the 
Doctor's  municipal  medical  men  are  to  amuse  themselves 
in  such  an  exasperatingly 'healthy  city  he  might  find  some 
difficulty  in  explaining. 

In  spite  of  the  manifest  advantages  which  the  new  city 
will  possess,  it  is  possible  that  Dr.  Richardson  will  be  dis- 
appointed in  the  actual  working  of  certain  details  of  his 
plan.  For  example,  he  has  decided  that  the  population 
will  be  "100,000,  living  in  20,000  houses,  built  on  4,000 
acres  of  land,"  and  he  dwells  with  much  emphasis  on  the 
fact,  that  the  health  of  his  city  will  depend  to  a  great  extent 
upon  this  "  ec^ual  distribution  of  tlie  inhabitants."  Now, 
at  first  he  may  find  no  difficulty  in  obtaining  his  100,000 
inhabitants  and  in  distributino-  them  in  families  of  five  each. 


1 1 6  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

The  trouble  is,  that  after  he  has  thus  nicely  sorted  and 
arranged  his  citizens,  they  will  immediately  proceed  to  up- 
root his  "equal  distribution."  What  will  the  Doctor  do 
when  a  scientific  family  of  five  persons  is  suddenly  increased 
by  the  addition  of  a  scientific-baby  ?  Then  will  there  be 
six  persons  in  that  disordered  household,  and  the  "  equal 
distribution  "  of  the  inhabitants  of  his  city  will  be  com- 
promised. He  cannot  build  a  new  house  to  meet  the 
contingency,  for  he  has  strictly  limited  the  city  to  20,000 
houses  ;  and  even  if  a  new  house  could  be  built  and  in- 
habited exclusively  by  the  intruding  infant,  his  scheme  of 
equal  distribution  would  be  spoiled.  Unless  every  inhab- 
itant of  the  nev/  city  is  compelled  to  sign  a  lease  containing 
a  covenant  against  the  introduction  of  infants,  there  will 
be  no  such  thing  as  the  permanent  equal  distribution  of 
100,000  people  in  20,000  houses.  Doubtless  Dr.  Richard- 
son has  entirely  overlooked  this  weak  spotin  his  calcula- 
tions, but  he  will  have  it  forced  upon  his  attention  to  a  mad- 
dening extent  before  the  end  of  the  first  year  of  his  city  ex- 
istence. Again,  the  plan  of  building  houses  without  cellars 
and  placing  the  kitchen  on  the  upper  floor  of  each  house 
is  at  first  glance  unobjectionable,  but  a  little  scrutiny  will 
show  that  it  has  its  faults.  Where  will  Dr.  Richardson's 
people  keep  their  old  bottles,  and  where  will  the  family 
cat  be  placed  at  night  ?  Natural  philosophy  teaches 
that  the  smell  of  heated  dinners  ascend.  How  then  can 
the  careful  housewife,  living  in  a  city  where  all  the  kitchens 
are  on  the  top  floors,  ascertain  what  the  neighbors  intend 
to  have  for  dinner  1  Very  probably  Dr.  Richardson  imagines 
that  in  a  purely  scientific  city  there  will  be  no  crime  or  dis- 
order, and  no  use  for  policemen.  He  must  admit,  however, 
that  it  is  possible  for  scientific  citizens  to  quarrel,  and 
even  to  steal  fossils,  and  valuable  bugs.  In  such  an  event, 
the  Police,  instead  of  darting  out  of  the  area  gate  and  cap- 
turing the  offender,  would  have  to  descend  from  lofty 
kitchens,  where  their  soup  would  grow  cold  before  they 
could  carry  their  prisoners  to  the  station-house  and  return 
to  the  cook's  fireside.  It  must  also  be  remarked  that  in 
this  ingenious  city  there  is  not  the  slightest  provision  for  a 
single  clothes-line.     It  may  be  that  the  inventor  looks  upon 


A  MODEL  CITY. 


117 


clothes  as  unscientific  and  objectionable,  for  he  remarks 
that  "trom  the  sleeping  apartments  old  clothes,  &c.,  are  to 
be  rigorously  excluded."  If  a  man  cannot  leave  his  clothes 
in  his  bedroom,  on  going  to  bed,  what  is  he  to  do  with 
them  ?  Is  thel'e  to  be  a  vast  undressing  room  in  the  centre 
of  the  city  where  everyone  is  to  deposit  his  clothes  at  night, 
or  is  the  population  to  dispense  with  clothing  altogether  ? 
This  is  a  question  which  Dr.  Richardson  cannot  ignore, 
and  which  must  be  answered  before  he  can  induce  respect- 
able people  to  live  in  his  city. 

However  satisfactory  the  plan  of  a  Hygeian  house  may 
be  to  the  enthusiastic  sanitarian,  it  cannot  be  denied  that 
it  will  seem  dreary  and  ugly  to  most  other  people.  Neither 
carpets,  paint,  plaster,  nor  wall  paper  will  be  used  in  any 
of  Dr.  Richardson's  buildings.  The  floors  will  be  of  wood 
and  the  walls  will  be  of  glazed  brick.  A  wall  into  which  a 
picture-nail  cannot  be  driven,  or  the  pin  of  an  impaled 
butterfly  be  thrust,  or  upon  which  a  match  cannot  be 
scratched,  will  be  a  cold  and  glittering  mockery.  Let  Dr. 
Richardson  try  to  live  in  one  of  his  model  rooms  himself 
and  find  how  he  likes  to  get  up  in  the  middle  of  a  Winter's 
night  to  turn  on  the  ozone,  or  to  write  a  note  informing  the 
people  next  door  that  if  the  baby  which  he  has  reason  to 
believe  they  have  surreptitiously  introduced,  is  not  equally 
distributed  all  over  the  city  with  the  arid  of  nitro-glycerine, 
their  lease  will  be  instantly  cancelled.  After  he  has 
pierced  his  bare  feet  with  a  few  splinters  from  the  floor  and 
exhausted  his  whole  stock  of  matches  by  vainly  scratching 
them  upon  the  glazed  surface  of  the  wall,  perhaps  he  will 
find  that  carpets  have  their  uses,  and  that  glazed  walls  do 
not  alone  constitute  a  paradise.  Indeed,  he  would  do  well 
to  try  the  experiment  of  distributing  himself  equally  in  every 
one  of  his  houses  before  he  urges  other  people  to  live  in 
them.  It  is  quite  possible  that  he  may  find  room  to  alter 
his  plans,  at  least  so  far  as  to  provide  the  city  with  a  good 
comfortable  lunatic  asylum,  containing  a  separate  room  for 
the  inventor  and  builder  of  Hygeia. 


1 1 8  SIXTH  COL UMN  FANCIES. 


A  BENEVOLENT  GHOST. 

It  is  not  often  that  a  modern  ghost  displays  moral 
qualities  which  can  be  honestly  approved.  As  a  class 
ghosts  are  idle,  frivolous,  meddlesome,  and  apparently 
wholly  devoid  of  moral  sense.  Benjamin  Franklin,  in  a 
ghostly  state,  does  not  scruple  to  tell  preposterous  lies  as 
to  the  whereabouts  of  Charlie  Ross  ;  and  John  Milton^ 
who  during  his  lifetime  wrote  poetry  which  even  Mr.  Taine 
does  not  consider  wholly  devoid  of  merit,  now  perpetrates 
ghostly  verse  of  the  most  execrable  quality.  In  conse- 
quence, ghosts  have  fallen  into  general  disrepute  among 
sensible  people,  and  before  they  expect  to  be  heard  with 
respect  and  attention,  they  must  thoroughly  change  their 
present  objectional  habits. 

The  recent  conduct  of  a  St.  Louis  ghost  gives  us  reason 
to  hope  that  a  ghostly  reformation  has  actually  begun,  and 
that  at  least  a  few  of  the  swarming  millions  of  hitherto 
lazy  and  frivolous  ghosts  have  determined  to  do  something 
to  redeem  the  damaged  reputation  of  their  kind.  That  a 
ghost  should  choose  to  visit  St.  Louis  is  not,  of  course, 
creditable  to  ghostly  taste,  but  the  individual  ghost  just 
referred  to  went  to  St.  Louis  exclusively  in  the  interests  of 
humanity.  For  several  successive  nights  a  St.  Louis  family 
were  annoyed  by  the  nightly  ringing  of  the  front-door  bell 
by  invisible  hands.  The  local  small-boy  and  the  household 
rats  were  in  turn  charged  with  the  offense  of  malicious 
bell-ringing,  but  no  proof  of  their  guilt  could  be  obtained. 
An  astute  plumber,  whose  advice  was  sought,  alleged  that 
the  bell-ringing  was  due  to  electricity,  and  he  accordingly 
undertook  to  suppress  the  nuisance  by  changing  the  direc- 
tion of  the  bell-wire  and  putting  in  new  gas-pipes  and 
water-pipes  throughout  the  house.  Though  his  bill  was 
of  the  most  formidable  proportions,  the    mysterious  bell- 


A  BENE  VOL  ENT  GHOS  T.  1 1  q 

ringing  was  not  checked,  and  tbe  household  gradually 
accepted  it  as  a  necessary  evil  which  no  earthly  remedy 
could  cure.  Of  course,  the  bell  was  rung  by  a  ghost,  and 
when  the  latter  found  that  no  further  good  could  be  ac- 
complished in  that  direction,  she — for  the  g:ho§t  was  of  the 
gentler  sex — changed  her  tactics.  She  adopted  the  habit 
of  singing  songs  in  the  front  parlor,  accompanying  her 
voice  by  playing  on  a  closed  and  locked  piano-forte.  After 
thus  opening  the  evening's  entertainment,  she  would  move 
pictures,  chairs,  and  bedsteads  all  over  the  house,  and 
execute  more  noisy  carpenter-work  with  an  invisible  ham- 
mer and  saw  than  any  live  carpenter  with  a  proper  sense  of 
loyalty  to  his  carpenters'  union  would  be  willing  to  do  in 
a  week  of  consecutive  labor.  Her  most  remarkable  feats, 
however,  w^ere  performed  in  connection  with  small-boys, 
both  actual  and  ghostly.  The  family  were  frequently 
astonished  and  delighted  by  seeing  their  private  small-boy 
suddenly  raised  by  the  hair  two  or  three  feet  above  the 
floor,  and  thus  borne  kicking  and  shrieking  from  the  room. 
Unfortunately,  the  ghost  always  brought  him  back  again, 
imbued  with  a  sense  of  injury  which  led  him  to  lie  down 
on  the  floor  and  howl  until  his  disappointed  parents 
pacified  him  with  the  bootjack  or  other  convenient  and 
soothing  instrument.  The  ghost's  efforts  to  drive  the 
family  to  despair  were  not,  however,  successful,  until  she 
adopted  the  plan  of  causing  ghostly  small-boys  to  emerge 
from  the  fire-place  and  other  unexpected  localities.  When 
the  persecuted  residents  of  the  haunted  house  found  that 
they  could  not  open  a  closet,  or  unlock  a  burglar-proof  safe, 
or  remov^e  the  head  of  a  whiskey  barrel  without  being 
shocked  at  the  prompt  appearance  of  a  shadowy  and  un- 
naturally silent  small-boy,  they  became  utterly  demoralized 
and  sent  for  a  spiritual  medium  to  negotiate  terms  of  peace 
with  their  tormentor. 

Now,  what  is  remarkable  and  unprecedented  in  ghostly 
history  is  the  motive  assigned  by  the  ghost  for  her  pro 
longed  disturbance  of  the  household.  She  asserted,  through 
the  medium,  that  the  lady  of  the  house  had  once  promised 
to  treat  her  dead  sister's  small-boy  as  her  own,  and  that 
instead  of  keeping  this  promise  she  had  farmed  him  out 


1 2  o  -^-/X  7  7/  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

to  a  heartless  baby-farmer.  The  accused  woman  admitted 
with  tears  that  such  had  been  her  faithless  and  wicked 
conduct,  and  she  gladly  acceded  to  the  ghostly  demand  to 
send  for  the  injured  small -boy,  and  to  treat  him  with  the 
utmost  kindness.  In  consideration  of  this  promise  the 
ghost  agreed  to  withdraw  from  the  premises,  threatening, 
however,  to  return  and  make  things  disagreeably  lively  for 
the  family  in  case  the  promise  should  not  be  kept.  The 
boy  was  sent  for  and  the  ghost  withdrew,  and  thus  the  first 
known  philanthropic  ghost  accomplished  her  humane  pur- 
pose. 

To  say  that  this  exceptional  ghost  deserves  the  respect 
and  gratitude  of  all  humane  people  is  hardly  necessary.  It 
is  to  be  hoped,  however,  that  she  will  not  content  herself 
with  having  performed  one  good  action.  What  she  ought 
to  do  is  to  form  a  ghostly  society  for  the  prevention  of 
cruelty  to  children.  Such  a  society  could  accomplish  far 
more  than  any  merely  human  society  can  hope  to  do,  and 
all  honest  and  kind-hearted  ghosts  can  rest  assured  that  if 
they  will  only  enter  upon  a  life  of  active  benevolence,  by 
persecuting  cruel  parents  and  guardians,  they  will  soon  earn 
the  admiration  of  mankind,  and  reinstate  themselves  in 
the  good  opinion  of  the  living. 


DR.  SCHLIEMANN. 

It  is  announced  that  the  Turkish  Government  has  au- 
thorized Dr.  Schliemann  to  resume  his  excavations  on  the 
alleged  site  of  Troy,  and  that  the  learned  digger,  having 
laid  in  a  new  copy  of  "  Homer  "  and  a  large  supply  of  spades, 
will  immediately  resume  his  labors. 

Some  misapprehension  exists  in  the  public  mind  as  to 
the  object  of  Dr.  SchHemann's  labors.  It  is  generally 
thought  that  he.  has  hitherto  been  digging  in  search  of  the 
alleged  City  of  Troy.  In  point  of  fact,  he  has  been  trying 
to  exhume  the  "Iliad,"  and  his  success  in  so  doing  has  been 
remarkable.  There  are  very  grave  doubts  whether  there 
ever  was  such  a  person  as  Homer,  or  such  a  city  as  Troy, 


DR.  SCHLIEMAiVN.  121 

and  granting  the  existence  of  the  latter,  its  true  site  is 
wholly  conjectural.  There  is,  however,  no  sort  of  doubt 
as  to  the  existence  of  the  ''  Iliad,"  as  every  college  Freshman 
sadly  knows,  and  hence  Dr.  Schliemann  showed  a  praise- 
worthy discrimination  in  digging  for  the  topographical  and 
biographical  incidents  of  the  latter.  At  first  he  was  rather 
embarrassed  with  the  richness  of  the  ruined  cities  which 
he  unearthed,  for  he  exhumed  no  less  than  four  consecu- 
tive buried  cities,  one  above  another.  The  lowest  of  these 
he  decided  to  call  Troy — throwing  the  rest  away  as  com- 
paratively valueless — and  in  this  so-called  Troy  he  found 
everything  of  interest  which  is  mentioned  in  the  "  Iliad." 

The  maps  which  the  good  Doctor  drew  were  extremely 
ingenious.  They  contained  a  plan  of  Troy,  showing  the 
principal  buildings  and  such  localities  as  have  interesting 
Homeric  associations.  Priam's  palace,  the  town  pump, 
the  cottage  occupied  by  Helen,  the  Lyceum,  the  spot  where 
the  Trojan  horse  disgorged  its  contents,  the  horse-block 
on  which  Anchises  perched  himself  in  order  to  climb  on 
the  pious  shoulders  of  ^neas,  the  Post  Office,  and  the 
prominent  banking  and  insurance  offices,  were  all  duly  dis- 
played on  Schliemann's  maps,  and  gave  the  alleged  city 
nearly  as  imposing  an  appearance  as  is  presented  by  the 
map  of  some  projected  town  in  the  far  West.  As  for  in- 
teresting relics,  Schliemann  found  them  by  the  basketful. 
His  method  was  a  peculiar  one.  He  would  strive  to  put 
himself  in  the  place  of  some  respectable  Trojan,  and  then 
imagine  how  he  would  have  conducted  himself  in  any 
given  contingency.  Thus,  he  said  to  himself,  "  If  _I_  had 
been  Priam,  J jwould  have  put  my  portable  property  in  a 
small  box,  and  as  soon  as  the  Greeks  entered  the  city  I 
would  have  slipped  out  of  the  back  door,  climbed  the  back 
fence  by  means  of  the  step-ladder,  and  gone  out  of  the 
west  gate,  where  a  cab  would  have  awaited  me."  Having 
thus  satisfied  himself  as  to  what  Priam  actually  did,  he 
followed  that  respectable  monarch's  course  until  he  reached 
the  west  gate,  where  he  picked  up  the  box  of  portable 
property  which  Priam  had  evidently  found  too  heavy,  and 
which  the  cabman  had  refused  to  carry  except  at  an  exor- 
bitant price.     In  like  manner  Dr.  Schliemann  was  able  to 


122  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

divine  where  to  look  for  Helen's  hair-pins,  and  wheie  to 
find  the  blue  spectacles  with  which  Paris  strove  to  disguise 
himself  from  the  eyes  of  the  private  detective  employed  by 
Menelaus.  Thus  the  exhumation  of  the  "  Iliad  "  was  attended 
with'extraordinary  success,  and  there  is  no  doubt  that  Dr. 
Schliemann  in  his  future  diggings  will  find  every  sort  of 
object  not  absolutely  inconsistent  with  a  liberal  interpreta- 
tion of  Homer's  immortal  epic. 

Great  as  is  the  interest  which  attaches  to  the  hair-pins 
of  Helen,  and  the  fine-toothed  comb  of  Paris,  there  are 
those  who  feel  that  Dr.  Schliemann  has  dug  quite  long 
enough  at  Troy,  and  that  he  ought  to  exercise  his  remarka- 
ble genius  in  other  fields.  He  is  just  the  man  to  dig  on 
the  site  of  the  Garden  of  Eden,  and  to  reclaim  the  articles 
of  personal  property  which  our  first  parents  left  behind  in 
the  suddenness  of  their  departure.  He  would  not  have 
the  slightest  difficulty  in  determining  the  exact  locality  of 
the  primeval  paradise.  All  he  would  think  it  necessary  to 
do  would  be  to  visit  the  Plain  of  Mesopotamia  ;  to  pick 
out  a  good-sized  garden  spot,  and  to  announce  that  he 
had  fixed  the  exact  position  of  the  Garden  of  Eden.  Then 
he  would  begin  to  dig  and  to  discover  with  the  energy  and 
success  which  have  hitherto  characterized  him.  He  would 
soon  lay  bare  the  asphalt  paths  over  which  Adam  was  ac- 
customed to  walk,  and  would  find  his  lawn-roller  and  sickle 
in  a  rusty  but  still  easily  recognizable  condition.  As  soon 
as  the  excavations  became  large  enough  to  warrant  a  map, 
he  would  construct  one  calculated  to  bring  tears  to  the 
eyes  of  the  most  hardened  geographer.  On  that  map  would 
be  marked  the  position  of  the  apple-tree  which  Eve  had 
such  melancholy  cause  to  remember,  together  with  a  dotted 
line,  labeled  "  Probable  route  of  the  Serpent  on  entering 
and  retiring  from  the  garden."  That  same  valuable  map 
would  also  show  "  Adam's  Swimming  Pool,"  the  "  Birth- 
place of  Eve,"  "  The  Croquet  Ground,"  and  the  ''  Sartorial 
Fig-tree."  As  for  relics,  Schliemann  would  find  them  to 
order  for  the  use  of  clergymen's  families  and  Sunday- 
schools.  Fig-leaf  aprons  would  be  picked  up  by  the  sharp- 
eyed  searcher  on  every  hedge.  Small  fish-bones,  "  sup- 
posed to   have  been  used   as  hair-pins;"  polished  bits  of 


THE  CIRCULATION  OF  NEEDLES.  T23 

tomato  cans,  labelled  "  hand  mirrors,"  and  innumerable 
quantities  of  agricultural  tools  and  packages  of  Weathers- /\ 
field  garden-seeds  would  be  sent  to  Europe  and  America 
by  the  ship-load,  and  if  somebody  were  to  order  a  slip  ' 
from  the  original  apple-tree.  Dr.  Schliemann  would  send 
out  more  young  apple-trees  in  the  course  of  two  years  than 
the  united  nurseries  of  Long  Island  could  furnish  in  ten. 

When  such  a  field  as  this  is  open  to  the  good  German 
discoverer,  it  is  a  pity  to  see  him  wasting  his  time  at  Troy. 
Trojan  relics  are,  of  course,  very  well  in  their  way,  but  the 
public  has  somewhat  lost  interest  in  them,  and  in  any  event 
they  are  less  interesting  than  relics  from  Eden  would  be. 
After  what  Dr.  Schliemann  has  found  at  Troy,  there  is  not 
the  slightest  doubt  that  he  could  find  anything  at  any  other 
locality  that  anyone  might  desire.  Let  him  go  to  Mesopo- 
tamia and  exhume  ParadiseTan^  it  may  be  safely  predicted 
that  his  discoveries  there  will  be  precisely  as  valuable  as 
those  which  he  has  made  on  the  alleged  site  of  Troy. 


THE  CIRCULATION  OF  NEEDLES. 

A  Portuguese  physician  has  recently  recovered  from 
dift'erent  localities  in  the  area  of  a  young  lady's  person, 
eighty  needles  which  she  had  swallowed  either  from  hun- 
ger, a  desire  to  store  up  needles  for  future  use,  or  to  amuse 
the  children. 

Many  great  discoveries  have  been  made,  the  necessity 
of  which  had  never  dawned  upon  the  public  until  some  one 
suddenly  decided  to  make  them.  Thus,  long  before  Har- 
vey discovered  the  circulation  of  the  blood  people  knew 
that  the  blood  circulated,  but  did  not  think  it  worth  while 
to  formally  discover  it.  Every  scientific  person  whose 
nose  had  been  contused  in  the  course  of  a  scientific  argu- 
ment had  noticed  that  his  blood  immediately  circulated  all 
over  his  shirt-bosom,  but  it  was  left  for  the  astute  Harvey 
to  announce  that  he  had  discovered  that  the  blood  was 
addicted  to  habitual  circulation.  It  is  perfectly  well  known 
that  needles,  v/hen  swallowed  by  the  girl  of  our  species, 


124 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


immediately  begin  to  circulate  all  over  her  system,  cropping 
out  here  and  there  in  the  most  unexpected  places.  Yet 
scientific  persons  who  wonder  that  Harvey  did  not  sooner 
discover  the  circulation  of  the  human  blood,  delay  to  dis- 
cover the  circulation  of  the  human  needle,  and  it  is  in  the 
hope  of  stimulating  discovery  in  this  direction  that  the 
attention  of  the  public  is  now  called  to  the  facts  concern- 
ing the  circulation  of  needles. 

From  time  immemorial  certain  girls  with  abnormal 
appetites  have  been  in  the  habit  of  swallowing  needles. 
It  is  probable  that  the  needle  supplies  in  a  more  satisfac- 
tory degree  that  feminine  demand  for  sharp  and  pungent 
food  which  most  of  the  sex  try  to  satisfy  with  pickles  and 
lemons.  If  the  needle  is  swallowed  eye  first,  it  usually 
finds  its  way  into  the  stomach  with  ease  and  rapidity,  and 
when  once  there,  its  first  effect  is  very  much  like  that  of 
red  pepper  or  Chutney  sauce.  But  unlike  the  latter  article 
of  diet,  the  needle  passes  directly  into  the  system  without 
undergoing  the  preliminary  process  of  digestion,  and  begins 
to  ciiculate  not  only  through  the  interstices  of  the  body, 
but  thiough  new  paths  which  it  opens  in  every  direction. 
Needles  that  have  thus  started  from  the  stomach  have  been 
detected  in  the  back  of  the  head,  or  in  the  extremity  of  the 
remotest  finger.  In  fact,  there  is  nothing  that  is  more 
rash  and  dangerous  than  for  an  affectionate  father  to  clasp 
his  needle-fed  daughter  in  his  arms.  Like  the  fabled  figure 
of  the  Virgin  which  made  part  of  every  well-conducted  in- 
quisitorial torture-room,  and  which  on  being  embraced  by 
a  recanting  Jieretic  suddenly  radiated  penknives  in  all 
directions,  and  thus  cut  the  worshipping  victim  into  fine 
slices,  the  needle-fed  daughter  may  at  any  moment  prick 
her  affectionate  parent  in  unexpected  places  and  stimulate 
him  to  language  of  the  most  unfatherly  nature.  She  be- 
comes as  dangerous  as  a  buzz-saw,  and  the  lover  who  fur- 
tively clasps  her  hand  during  church  service,  is  apt  to 
scandalize  the  CQugregation  by  suddenly  remarking  "  ouch  " 
at  moments  when  the  Liturgy  requires  no  such  response. 
There  is  only  one  contingency  in  which  this  kind  of  girl 
becomes  useful,  and  that  is  when  there  is  a  sudden  demand 
for  a  needle.     At  such  moments  a  careful  investigation  of 


THE  CIRCULATION  OF  NEEDLES.  125 

her  surface  is  nearly  always  rewarded  by  the  discovery  of 
the  protrusive  point  of  the  desired  implement,  which  is 
uniformly  free  from  rust,  and  in  a  condition  for  immediate 
use.  Still,  the  demand  for  needles  is  rarely  so  importunate 
as  to  justify  the  systematic  conversion  of  a  girl  into  a  peri- 
patetic needle-case,  and  the  most  earnest  seamstresses 
prefer  to  carry  small  needle-cases  in  their  pockets,'  rather 
than  to  swallow  a  paperful  and  trust  to  nature  to  bring  them 
to  the  surface. 

No  scientific  person  will  dream  of  denying  that  the 
circulation  of  needles  is  regulated  by  some  law  of  nature. 
We  do  not  as  yet  know  what  that  law  is  by  which  scores  of 
needles  ceaselessly  flow  backward  and  forward  through 
the  young  person  who  has  swallowed  them,  but  we  may 
safely  decide  that  they  are  not  set  in  motion  and  directed 
merely  by  chance.  If  they  made  their  way  directly  toward 
the  feet  we  might  assume  that  the  force  of  gravity  governed 
their  course,  but  it  is  a  well-established  fact  that  a  needle 
that  has  travelled  fr(ijn  the  stomach  to  the  left  foot  will 
frequently  retrace  its  path  and  emerge  behind  the  right  ear. 
Gravity  has  thus  nothing  to  do  with  the  matter,  and  some 
other  force  must  be  credited  with  this  remarkable  result. 

The  theory  that  magnetic  action  is  the  cause  of  the 
circulation  of  needles  is  also  untenable.  When  duly 
magnetized,  the  needle  is  sure  to  have  a  habit  of  pointing 
towards  the  pole  ;  but  the  needles  that  circulate  in  the 
human  system,  neither  point  towards  any  specified  pole, 
nor  are  they  magnetized.  \'oung  ladies  who  swallow 
needles  prefer  them  raw,  and  there  is  not  a  case  on  record 
in  which  a  needle  epicure  has  first  subjected  her  needles 
to  the  appetizing  process  of  magnetization.  Even  the  the- 
ory that  every  young  lady  has  her  own  personal  poles,  to 
which  needles  may  point  in  preference  to  pointing  to  the 
earthly  poles,  is  without  the  slightest  scientific  evidence.  It 
IS  true,  that  a  girl  who  has  swallowed  a  paper  of  needles, 
may  occasionally  revolve  on  her  axis  in  a  ballroom,  but 
she  has  no  regular  and  unintermittent  revolution,  and  we 
have  no  right  to  assume  that  she  possesses  either  poles  or 
an  equator,  or  that  the  needles  which  she  may  have  intro- 
duced into  her  system  turn  invariably  in  any  one  direction. 


1 2 6  SIXTH  COL  UMN-  FA  NCIES. 

The  whole  subject  is  involved  in  mystery.  We  know 
that  needles  are  frequently  swallowed,  and  that  they  then 
immediately  begin  to  circulate,  but  that  is  really  all  we 
know  concerning  the  matter.  This  is  an  obvious  reproach 
to  our  scientific  men.  They  pretend  to  tell  us  exactly  how 
the  blood  is  turned  on  at  the  heart,  and  how^  when  narure 
once  pulls  the  "  starting  bar,"  the  blood  rushes  through  the 
open  valves,  and  continues  to  flow  until  death  shuts  it  off ; 
but  when  we  ask  what  law  regulates  the  circulation  of 
needles  they  are  dumb.  Meanwhile,  the  silent  needle  is 
perforating  its  way  through  the  tissues  of  eccentric  girls, 
and  pursuing  its  appointed  course  with  a  smoothness  and 
certainty  of  circulation  which  are  in  the  highest  degree 
marvellous.  The  Portuguese  physician  who  is  now  busy- 
in  eliminating  an  excess  of  needles  from  the  system  of  his 
patient  has  an  excellent  opportunity  for  investigating  the 
matter  thoroughly,  and  he  may  yet  make  a  discovery  which 
will  render  his  name  as  famous  as  that  of  Harvey. 


THE  YOUNG  MAN   OF  CHEYENNE. 

The  Original  Old  Man  of  the  Mountain,  who  founded 
that  curious  sect  of  early  Protestants  known  as  the  As- 
sassins, and  taught  them  to  protest  with  force  and  arms 
against  the  existence  of  the.  human  race,  has  been  dead 
for  several  centuries.  It  was  always  supposed  that  he  had 
left  no  successor,  and  that  the  pure  faith. of  his  converts 
had  become  so  corrupted  by  worldly  influences  that  they 
had  long  since  ceased  to  practice  his  sanguinary  doctrines. 
It  now  appears  that  this  was  a  mistake.  Like  the  original 
Jacobs,  or  a  railway  corporation,  the  Old  Man  of  the 
Mountain  and  his  energetic  sect  have  had  perpetual  suc- 
cession. The  present  Old  Man  resides  in  the  Rocky 
Mountains  in  about  the  latitude  of  the  Black  Hills,  and 
his  followers,  having  made  breech-loading  rifles  a  part  of 
their  ritual,  do  an  amount  of  missionary  work  among  In- 


THE  YOUNG  MAN  OF  CHEYENNE. 


127 


dians,  emigrants,  and  gold-diggers  which  would  have 
amazed  and  delighted  the  ancient  founder  of  the  Assas- 
sins. 

The  discovery  of  this  Rocky  Mountain  congregation  of 
breech-loading  believers  was  made  by  accident.  Some 
months  since  a  young  man  set  out  from  the  flourishing 
City  of  Cheyenne  with  his  rifle,  bottle,  poker  deck,  and 
other  mining  tools  about  him,  and  a  noble  determination 
to  lead  a  life  of  productive  industry  in  the  Black  Hills  dig- 
gings. On  reaching  "  Red  Canon,"  a  locality  with  which 
all  our  readers  are  doubtless  familiar,  he  "strayed,"  as  he 
delicately  puts  it,  from  the  rest  of  his  party.  Now  and 
then  a  hard-working  miner  does  lie  down  and  stray  under 
a  convenient  tree,  and  his  companions,  after  taking  his 
boots  off  and  thoughtfully  emptying  out  the  more  venom- 
ous serpents,  go  on  their  way,  and  let  him  stray  until  some 
benevolent  Indian  finds  him  and  charitably  takes  charge 
of  his  hair.  In  the  case  of  the  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne, 
his  straying  was  attended  by  a  somewhat  different  result. 
He  had  not  strayed  more  than  an  hour  or  two  when  he 
felt  a  lasso  gently  clasping  his  neck,  and  dimly  discerned 
a  shadowy  figure  gradually  approaching  him  and  carefully 
keeping  the  rope  taut.  Mechanically  feeling  for  his  empty 
bottle  with  a  view  of  selling  his  life  dearly,  he  suddenly 
felt  the  rope  tighten,  and  thereupon  sank  back  and  became 
extremely  insensible. 

When  he  recovered  his  consciousness  and  felt  for  his 
hair,  he  was  surprised  to  find  that  he  was  not  scalped  and 
that  he  was  lying  in  a  darkened  room,  "  whose  predomi- 
nant atmosphere  was  a  delicious  perfume,"  though  he  does 
not  mention  whether  it  was  Bourbon  or  rye.  His  rifle, 
his  bottle,  and  his  cards  had  disappeared,  and  the  delicious 
perfume  aggravated  his  intolerable  thirst.  Presently  a 
person  whom  he  could  only  vaguely  perceive,  and  whom 
at  first  he  was  inclined  to  regard  as  a  new  sort  of  snake 
with  immense  and  presumably  venomous  Turkish  trousers, 
approached  him  and  bade  him  "  arise  and  walk."  There 
is  reason  to  believe  that  the  vague  person  really  told  him 
to  "  get  up  and  get,"  but  the  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne  is 
a  conscientious  historian,  who  would  scorn  to  narrate  any- 


128  SIXTH  COL UMN  FANCIES. 

thing  in  a  vulgar  or  commonplace  style.  Following  his 
vague  conductor  he  entered  a  gorgeous  apartment,  bril- 
liantly lighted  and  evidently  forming  part  of  an.  immense 
cave.  By  the  light  of  countless — or  at  least  two — kero- 
sene lamps  he  saw  that  his  guide  was  a  man  of  enormous 
age,  wearing  a  white  beard  so  long  that  he  had  been  com- 
pelled to  separate  it  into  two  masses  and  knot  them  behind 
his  back.  This  singular  being  proceeded  to  summon 
another  white-bearded  individual,  who  was  evidently  a  ser- 
vant, and  who  brought  with  him  a  gorgeous  banquet — of  a 
nature  not  wholly  unconnected  wdth  ham  and  eggs — which 
the  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne  devoured  with  much  satisfac- 
tion. This  done,  the  first  old  man  administered  to  his 
captive  a  teaspoonful  of  medicine,  which  proved  to  be 
Oriental  hasheesh.  So  delightful  was  the  effect  produced 
by  this  drug  that  the  Young  Man  informs  the  editor  of  the 
Denver  Nezvs  that  if  the  latter  could  only  taste  it,  "  he  would 
sell  his  soul  almost  to  feel  it  again."  It  is  fortunate  that 
this  ecstatic  description  was  addressed  to  a  Western  editor, 
who  was  debarred,  from  circumstances  over  which  he  had 
no  control,  from  making  the  sale  suggested.  If,  however, 
hasheesh  is  really  what  that  Young  Man  represents  it  to 
be,  we  may  expect  to  find  the  trans-Mississippi  editors 
uniting  in  a  demand  that  the  volume  of  their  editorial  souls 
shall  be  made  commensurate  with  the  oj^portunities  for 
buying  hasheesh. 

For  three  days  the  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne  was  fed 
on  hasheesh,  and  during  that  period  he  never  once  thought 
of  whiskey  or  of  his  duties  as  a  man  and  a  citizen.  On 
the  fourth  day  the  first  old  man  came  to  him  and  informed 
him  that  he  was  the  lineal  descendant  of  the  original  Old 
Man  of  the  Mountains  ;  that  he  was,  in  fact,  the  "  Only 
Real  Original  Old  Man  of  the  Genuine  Mountains."  He 
further  mentioned  that  he  was  the  leader  of  a  band  of 
conscientious  assassins  who  had  perpetrated  all  the  mur- 
ders which  had  occurred  in  the  West  for  the  last  t^venty- 
five  years,  and  that  the  Mountain  Meadow  massacre,  which 
had  been  falsely  attributed  to  the  Mormons,  was  his  own 
chef-d'ceuvre.  Then  he  asked  the  young  man  to  join  his 
band,  offering  him  as  inducements  to  that  end  large  daily 


A  REMONSTRANCE.  129 

rations  of  hasheesh  and  all  the  tobacco  which  he  could 
accumulate  by  strict  attention  to  business.  This  noble 
offer  was  gladly  accepted,  and  the  Young  Man  of  Cheyenne 
immediately  took  a  large  collection  of  miscellaneous  oaths 
of  great  strength  and  terrific  purport. 

As  it  so  happened,  these  oaths  were  never  kept.  The 
young  man  "strayed"  before  he  had  an  opportunity  to 
commit  a  murder.  Where  he  obtained  his  whiskey  does 
not  appear,  but  the  fact  that  he  strayed,  and  that  after 
undergoing  a  prolonged  fight  with  millions  of  serpents 
heavily  reinforced  by  abnormal  rats,  he  was  finally  found 
and  saved  by  a  party  of  miners  returning  from  the  Black 
Hills,  his  story  forbids  us  to  doubt.  That  he  is  an  excel- 
lent and  trustworthy  young  man  may  be  conceded,  and  if 
either  political  party  in  Cheyenne  wants  an  organ  which 
will  teem  with  stories  of  the  abandoned  prohigacy  of  the  op- 
position, a  newspaper  should  at  once  be  started  in  that  city 
and  put  under  the  sole  control  of  this  able  and  accom- 
plished person. 


A  REMONSTRANCE. 

Of  course  Dr.  Schliemann  is  a  very  nice  man.  To  the 
Anglo-Saxon  mind  his  name  does  seem  to  contain  more 
consonants  than  a  sober,  honest  citizen  really  needs,  but 
hitherto  this  has  been  about  the  only  charge  which  enmity 
could  bring  against  him.  He  is  understood  to  be  an  amia- 
ble German  gentleman,  full  of  science  and  blue  spectacles; 
an  enthusiastic,  if  not  an  exceptionally  acut&i,  critic  of  Hor- 
ace, and  a  man  powerfully  gifted  in  the  discernment  of 
beer.  But  Dr.  Schliemann  is  gradually  drawing  upon  him- 
self the  suspicions  of  envious  people,  while  even  his  best 
friends  are  beginning  to  find  that  he  is  altogether  too  suc- 
cessful in  the  unearthing  of  buried  cities,  and  if  he  does 
not  shortly  make  a  few  judicious  archseological  mistakes,  he 
may  ultimately  find  his  reputation  obscured  by  a  very 
unpleasant  cloud. 

Dr  Schliemann's  first  exploit  was  the  digging  up  of 
9 


1 3  o  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

Troy.  He  wanted  to  find  the  city  of  Priam,  and  the  per- 
sonal property  of  that  deceased  monarch  ;  so  he  dug  with 
great  dihgence  until  he  found  exactly  what  he  wanted. 
As  he  would  not  divide  with  the  Sultan,  he  abandoned  the 
rich  Troy  lead,  and  opened  a  new  antiquarian  mine  at 
Olympia.  There  he  mentioned  that  he  intended  to  find 
statues,  and  after  a  brief  search  he  "  struck  it  very  rich  " 
— as  the  Californians  phrase  it.  No  statue  mine  of  equal 
richness  had  ever  been  previously  discovered,  and  although 
the  vein  was  soon  exhausted  it  was  estimated  that  the  Olym- 
pian diggipgs  yielded  fully  sixty  per  cent,  of  pure  marble 
statues,  together  with  eight  per  cent  of  valuable  terra-cotta 
vases. 

The  expert  digger's  next  field  of  action  was  ]\Iycenae  ; 
there  he  found  no  difficulty  in  locating  a  gold-platter  mine, 
which  proved  as  rich  as  the  best  gold  vein  of  the  Consoli- 
dated Troy  mine.  Gold  plates,  and  gold  spoons  and  gold 
soup  tureens,  not  to  speak  of  such  smaller  matters  as  gold 
tobacco  stoppers  and  gold  sleeve  buttons  and  studs,  were 
daily  found  by  the  indefatigable  Schliemann.  Why  he 
abandoned  this  auriferous  mine  after  a  few  weeks'  work 
we  are  not  informed,  but  it  is  probable  that  he  intended  to 
raise  the  price  of  gold  dinner  services  by  temporarily  check- 
ing the  supply.  At  all  events  he  ceased  to  dig  at  Mycenae 
early  last  Summer,  and  having  compromised  matters  with 
the  Sultan,  resumed  his  labors  on  the  Troy  lead. 

We  are  now  informed  that  he  has  struck  a  kind  of  "  pock- 
et "  at  a  slight  distance  from  the  main  Trojan  vein,  which 
has  "panned  out  "  wonderfully  well.  He  calls  it  the  tomb 
of  Cassandra,  and  announces  that  it  is  full  of  dinner  plates, 
belt-buckles,  crimping-pins,  and  breech-loading  rifles,  all 
made  of  the  purest  gold,  and  by  the  most  skilful  work- 
men of  the  Homeric  period.  He  explains  the  peculiar 
richness  of  this  "  pocket "  by  asserting  that  Cassandra,  the 
well-known  Trojan  test-medium,  who  gave  her  patrons 
information  on  all  affairs  of  life,  including  marriage,  sick- 
ness, stolen  articles,  and  absent  friends,  was  buried  with 
all  her  portable  property  about  her,  and  that  he  knew  when 
he  determined  to  discover  her  tomb  that  he  should  find  a 
whole  jeweller's  shop  of  ornaments  concealed  in  her  coffin. 


A  RE  MO  A^S  TRA  NCE. 


131 


Now  had  Dr.  Schliemann  confined  himself  to  making 
discoveries  on  the  alleged  site  of  Troy,  the  world  would 
probably  have  accepted  them  in  good  faith.  It  is  his  uni- 
form and  unbroken  success  in  finding  at  Troy,  Olympia, 
Mycence,  and  Cassandra's  tomb,  precisely  the  sort  of  things 
which  he  wished  to  find  that  seems  odd  to  the  unpreju- 
diced observer.  When  men,  as  intelligent  and  energetic  as 
Schliemann,  had  dug  in  all  sorts  of  places  for  all  sorts  of 
things  and  never  found  them,  why  should  Schliemann 
always  be  able  to  dig  up  cities  in  lots  to  suit  customers,  in 
the  precise  localities  where  other  diggers  failed  to  find  any- 
thing more  valuable  than  the  remains  of  a  contemporaneous 
cat  or  a  trifle  of  broken  crockery  bearing  the  Birmingham 
trade-mark.?  It  really  will  not  do  for  Dr.  Schliemann  to 
be  so  exceptionally  successful  unless  he  is  ready  to  incur 
the  gravest  suspicions  that  can  fall  upon  an  excavating  ex- 
pert. 

It  might  as  well  be  frankly  owned  that  it  is  the  opinion 
of  many  respectable  persons  that  Schliemann  could  not  find 
so  many  gold  plates  and  marble  statues  unless  he  knew  be- 
fore he  began  to  dig  exactly  what  he  was  about  to  find. 
With  these  persons  the  only  question  is  whether  Dr.  Schlie- 
mann has  himself  sowed  antique  marbles  and  dinner  dishes 
in  the  Plain  of  Troy  and  at  Olympia  and  Mycenae,  or 
whether  other  persons  in  collusion  with  him  have  been 
guilty  of  this  disreputable  trick.  The  truly  chivalrous 
man  will  hesitate  to  charge  a  defenseless  young  woman 
like  Cassandra,  or  a  pair  of  personally  reputable  monarchs 
like  the  Kings  of  Troy  and  Mycenae,  with  havnng  deliber- 
ately "  salted  "  their  estates  with  gold  and  marble  expressly 
in  order  that  Schliemann  might  subsequently  be  able  to  claim 
the  discovery  of  valuable  mining  property.  The  theory 
that  Dr.  Schliemann  is  alone  concerned  in  the  affair  is  un- 
doubtedly the  one  that  honorable  men  will  prefer  to  adopt, 
provided,  of  course,  they  think  it  necessary  to  differ  from 
Schliemann's  own  account  of  the  matter. 

It  will,  however  be  wiser  and  more  just  to  give  to  Dr. 
Schliemann  the  benefit  of  every  possible  doubt.  The  tal- 
ent of  discovering  buried  cities  may  be  a  genuine  one,  and 
he  may  deserve  our   warmest    admiration    and  gratitude. 


1 3  2  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

Still  a  proper  regard  for  his  reputation  ought  to  lead  him 
to  pause  in  his  successful  career,  and  to  abandon  his  inten- 
tion of  finding  Helen's  body  in  a  perfect  state  of  preserva- 
tion, and  the  original  love-letters  written  by  Paris  and  inter- 
cepted by  Menelaus's  private  detective.  He  is  already 
finding  altogether  too  much,  and  there  is  a  limit  to  the  pa- 
tience of  the  public.  If  he  will  only  fail  to  find  a  few  dead 
cities  during  the  next  six  months,  public  confidence  will 
revive,  but  if  he  goes  on  as  he  has  begun,  he  may  earn  the 
unenviable  fame  of  the  men  who  discovered  the  famous 
diamond  and  ruby  mines  of  Arizona,  and  who  were  after- 
wards themselves  discovered  by  unscientific  policemen. 


THE  SMOKING  INFANT. 

There  has  latterly  been  a  dearth  of  novelties  in  babies. 
Last  winter  the  West  produced  several  entirely  new  styles  of 
babies,  some  with  more  and  others  with  less  heads  and  limbs 
thai  the  common  variety  of  infant.  However  excellent 
these  improved  babies  may  have  been  in  theory,  they  do 
not  seem  to  have  succeeded  in  practice.  Either  they  would 
not  work  at  all  or  else  they  were  found  on  trial  to  be  less 
efficient  than  infants  of  the  old-fashioned  model.  At  any 
rate,  they  soon  passed  into  an  obscurity  as  profound  as 
that  which  enwraps  the  Keely  motor,  and  not  one  of  them 
was  exhibited  at  Philadelphia  among  the  productions  of 
American  inventive  gjenius. 

Stimulated  by  these  numerous  Western  failures,  the 
East  has  now  invented  an  infant  which  has  at  least  the 
merit  of  complete  novelty.  As  might  be  expected  from  the 
fact  that  the  new  baby  is  a  Massachusetts  production,  its 
peculiarities  are  of  a  moral  instead  of  a  physical  charac- 
ter. Outwardly  it  resembles  all  other  male  infants  of  three 
years  of  age  and  of  the  usual  pattern,  but  mentally  and 
morally  it  is  entirely  original.  This  remarkable  baby  is  a 
confirmed  smoker,  and  the  records  of  the  Patent  Office 
may  be  searched  in  vain  for  any  model,  drawing,  or  sped- 


THE  SMOKIXG  INFANT. 


^2>2> 


fication   of  a  three-year-old  baby  capable   of   consuming 
strong;  cigars  and  caporal  tobacco. 

The  normal  Massachusetts  boy  learns  to  smoke  by 
degrees.  He  leads  himself  gently  up  to  tobacco  by  a 
preliminary  coarse  of  grape-vine  cigars  and  dried  fern 
leaves,  and  when  he  finally  makes  his  first  attempt  upon  a 
genuine  Connecticut  cigar,  he  selects  a  secure  retreat  be- 
hind the  barn,  and  undergoes  agonies  of  subsequent  nausea 
on  the  hay-mow.  The  Smoking  Infant,  on  the  contrary, 
disdained  to  trifle  with  the  inefficient  grape-vine,  or  to 
smoke  his  first  cigar  in  seclusion.  Long  before  he  reached 
his  third  birthday  he  had  boldly  seized  one  of  his  father's 
best  four-cent  cigars  and  smoked  it  in  the  nursery,  careless 
of  the  curtains  and  heedless  of  his  mother's  hair.  More- 
over, this  feat  was  accomplished  without  the  smallest  pang 
of  nausea.  While  his  astonished  and  more  mature  friends 
expected  to  see  him  turn  deadly  pale  and  undergo  the 
wildest  abdominal  remorse,  he  declined  to  do  anything  of 
the  sort,  and  actually  cried  for  more  cigars.  Since  that 
period,  he  has  shown  an  incessant  and  unappeasable  ap- 
petite for  tobacco.  Though  he  still  prefers  cigars,  he  smokes 
pipes  as  a  matter  of  economy,  and  chews  fine-cut  with  the 
solemnity  and  unerring  marksmanship  of  a  Western  Sena- 
tor. The  feeble  efforts  of  his  unhappy  mother  to  prevent 
him  from  smoking  in  the  parlor  and  in  bed  have  been 
entirely  fruitless.  He  not  only  smokes  in  every  room  in 
the  house,  but  he  strews  ashes  on  the  key-board  of  the 
piano,  and  drops  his  lighted  pipe  on  his  pillow,  as  he  sinks 
into  slumber.  To  the  relatives  and  friends  of  the  family 
he  is  a  source  of  mingled  wonder  and  indignation.  He 
has  been  known  to  beg  his  grandmother  to  put  a  box  of 
cigars  —  "  Reina  Victoria  Intimidads,  very  dark  if  you 
please,  grandma," — in  his  Christmas  stocking,  and  to  ask 
a  local  deacon,  who  is  a  great  admirer  of  the  late  Mr. 
Trask,  "  if  he  happened  to  have  a  chew  about  him."  Of 
course,  he  has  a  money-box  to  which  friends  and  visi- 
tors are  requested  to  contribute.  The  ordinary  Mas- 
sachusetts boy  always  has  a  box  of  the  kind,  with  a  view 
to  collecting  money  for  the  missionaries,  and  empties 
its  contents  from    time  to   tim.e  into  the   till  of  the  candy 


134 


SIXTH  COLUMN-  FANCIES. 


merchant,  hoping  that  the  latter  is  personally  acquainted 
with  numerous  deserving  missionaries,  and  that  he  always 
sends  them  his  small  change.  The  Smoking  Infant  either 
knows  nothing  or  cares  nothing  about  missionaries.  He 
shamelessly  demands  contributions  for  a  purely  imaginary 
base-ball  club,  and  when  he  has  collected  twenty-five  cents, 
he  rushes  to  a  tobacco-shop  where  he  selects  two  imported 
"  Rosa  Conchas  "  with  a  care  and  intelligence  which  chal- 
lenge the  admiration  of  every  really  able  smoker. 

Of  course  it  will  be  said  that  this  depraved  child  is 
growing  thin  and  weak  in  consequence  of  his  constant  use 
of  tobacco.  Unfortunately  for  the  opponents  of  smoking, 
it  must  be  acknowledged  that  the  Infant  Smoker  is  grow- 
ing fat  and  hale  on  his  perpetual  diet  of  smoke.  He 
smokes  frojn  dawn  to  twilight,  and  his  nerves  are  as  firm 
as  those  of  a  trapeze  performer.  His  father  looks  upon 
him  as  a  complete  success,  and  it  is  the  judgment  of  all 
who  have  seen  him — including  three  selectmen,  a  justice 
of  the  peace  and  six  ministers  of  assorted  denominations — ■ 
that  as  a  Smoking  Infant  it  is  impossible  to  find  a  flaw  in 
his  construction  or  operation. 

It  must,  then,  be  conceded  that  the  East  has  signally 
triumphed  over  the  West  in  the  invention  of  a  new  and 
thoroughly  successful  variety  of  baby.  Still  it  is  impossible 
to  see  in  what  respect  a  smoking  infant  is  a  specially 
desirable  object.  If  it  be  true — as  is  darkly  rumored — 
that  the  father  of  the  marvellous  Massachusetts  child  is  in 
the  pay  of  the  Tobacco-dealers'  Association,  and  that  he 
invented  the  Smoking  Infant  merely  in  order  to  open  a 
new  field  for  the  sale  of  tobacco,  there  is  no  doubt  that  he 
has  fully  earned  whatever  pay  he  may  have  received.  That 
fact,  however,  does  not  constitute  an  argument  which  will 
lead  parents  to  prefer  smoking  infants.  Ingenious  as  the 
new  inv'ention  is,  it  cannot  be  called  a  beneficent  one,  and 
all  men  unconnected  with  the  tobacco  trade  will  sincerely 
hope  that  the  Smoking  Infant  of  Massachusetts  will  not  be 
duplicated,  and  will  never  be  successfully  introduced  into 
American  families. 


A  NATIONAL  WANT.  13^ 


A  NATIONAL  WANT. 

The  great  want  of  this  country — at  least  in  the  estima- 
tion of  young  people — is  a  variety  of  parent  who  will  go  to 
bed  at  eight  o'clock.  The  disposition  shown  by  too  many 
fathers  and  mothers  to  sit  up  until  midnight  on  occasions 
when  their  daughters  are  receiving  the  visits  of  eligible 
young  men,  is  an  evil  as  notorious  as  it  is  common.  No 
reference  is  here  intended  to  those  heartless  mothers  who 
produce  endless  problems  in  crochet  work  whenever  the 
front  door  bell  rings,  and  set  to  work  to  solve  them  in  the 
front  parlor,  with  an  obvious  determination  never  to  go  to 
bed  while  they  have  strength  left  to  lift  a  needle.  Like 
the  tireless  father  who  reads  inexhaustible  newspapers  in 
the  presence  of  his  unhappy  daughter  and  her  visitor,  and 
who  sternly  represses  all  hints  as  to  his  need  of  sleep 
by  the  crushing  remark  "  that  he  never  goes  to  bed  until 
after  he  has  personally  locked  up  the  house  and  put  out 
the  gas,"  the  cruel  crochet  mother  is  an  abnormal,  though 
by  no  means  rare,  t3'pe  of  humanity.  Such  pitiless  parents, 
however,  are  really  less  exasperating  than  the  more  common 
variety,  who  decline  to  go  to  bed  from  ignorance  rather 
than  vice.  The  former  have  a  definite  policy  which  they 
are  morally  certain  to  carry  out.  The  latter  torture  their 
victims  by  permitting  them  to  entertain  the  fallacious  hope 
that  the  propriety  of  going  to  bed  may  at  any  moment 
dawn  upon  the  paternal  mind. 

Now,  the  modern  city  house  affords  no  opportunity  for 
escaping  the  gaze  of  wakeful  parents.  For  the  young  peo- 
ple to  withdraw  to  the  front  balcony,  with  the  moral  cer- 
tainty that  untimely  shawls  will  be  brought  by  injudicious 
mothers  at  precisely  the  most  ineligible  moments,  is  simply 
to  invite  dangerous  ambuscades.  The  back  piazza — if 
there  be  one — is  out  of  the  question,  since  it  cannot  be 
occupied  without  inextricably  mixing  up  love's  young  dream 


1 3  6  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

\Yith  the  remarks  of  extraneous  cats,  while  from  the  clothes- 
line the  family  linen  flaps  menace  to  young  men  of  moder- 
ate means  and  matrimonial  intentions.  Certain  bold  and 
desperate  youths  have  occasionally  proposed  an  excursion 
to  the  roof,  under  the  hollow  pretext  of  an  interest  in  as- 
tronomy, but  the  device  has  rarely  been  successful.  The 
simple  fact,  is,  that  when  parents  will  not  go  to  bed  there 
is  no  escape  from  them  short  of  a  total  abandonment  of 
their  inhospitable  house. 

In  these  circumstances  the  judicious  young  man  makes 
his  call  on  Sunday  night,  and  escorts  the  object  of  his 
affections  to  church.  If  he  can  only  secure  a  pew  in  a 
remote  corner,  he  can  whisper  for  an  hour  and  a  half  in 
perfect  security.  It  is  true  that  he  and  his  companion  are 
guilty  of  a  peculiarly  indecent  form  of  rudeness,  but  the 
sexton  cannot  eject  them  without  creating  a  far  greater 
disturbance  than  that  perpetrated  by  the  whisperers. 
Every  one  perfectly  well  understands  why  the  young  couple 
came  to  church,  and  however  much  their  conduct  may  be 
disliked,  it  is  recognized  as  one  of  the  inevitable  conse- 
quences of  parents  who  will  not  go  to  bed. 

The  remedy  for  this  state  of  things  is  twofold.  Either 
a  style  of  parent  warranted  to  go  to  bed  at  eight  o'clock  must 
be  introduced,  or  churches  must  furnish  sequestered  nooks 
in  which  young  people  can  whisper  without  disturbing  the 
worshippers.  The  form.er  remedy  is,  of  course,  preferable, 
and  it  would  be  a  glorious  thing  if  American  ingenuity 
were  to  devise  a  trustworthy  eight  o'clock  parent.  It  is  im- 
probable, however,  that  any  such  contrivance  will  be  soon 
brought  into  use,  and  hence  the  other  remedy  is  alone 
practicable.  There  are  certain  so-called  churches  in  which 
the  preacher,  the  choir,  and  the  scene-painters — that  is  to 
say,  the  upholsterers  and  decorators — vie  with  each  other  in 
devising  means  of  drawing  full  houses.  Let  these  Sunday 
resorts  adopt  the  plan  of  setting  apart  curtained  pews  in 
the  darkest  corners  for  the  exclusive  use  of  young  people. 
There  is  no  cornet  player  who  could  offer  any  sort  of  rivalry 
to  such  an  attraction,  and  there  is  not  the  slightest  doubt 
that  private  whispering  pews  would  draw  better  houses 
than  the  most  eloquent  preacher,  warranted  to  produce  a 


THE  HAPPY  YACHTSMAN 


137 


new  religion  every  Sunday  evening,  could  possibly  attract. 
Of  course,  no  staid  and  conservative  church  would  tolerate 
such  a  worldly  use  of  a  sacred  edifice  ;  but  there  are  not  a 
few  congregations  that  we  might  reasonably  expect  to  find 
willing  and  eager  to  thus  provide  for  the  comfort  of  the 
young.  At  all  events,  the  plan  would  put  a  stop  to  the 
nuisance  of  love-making  in  the  sight  of  a  whole  congrega- 
tion, and  inasmuch  as  no  appeal  to  their  imaginary  sense  of 
decency  will  have  any  effect  upon  the  young  whisperers, 
perhaps  the  plan  of  isolating  then  from  public  sight  and 
hearing  would  be  worth  trying. 


THE  HAPPY  YACHTSMAN.  • 

There  is  a  large  class  of  men  who  are  convinced  that 
the  extravagance  of  women  is  the  root  of  all  evil.  Severe 
moralists,  who  find  it  difficult  to  clothe  their  wives  and  to 
provide  themselves  at  the  same  time  with  costly  cigars, 
insist,  in  season  and  out  of  season,  that  the  woman  who  is 
not  contented  with  calico  will  be  sure  to  lead  her  husband 
into  crime.  Very  probably  many  women  are  foolishly  ex- 
travagant, and  deserve  to  have  reproving  stones  cast  at 
them  by  faultlessly  economical  men ;  but  the  wildest  ex- 
travagance of  the  most  reckless  woman  is  so  vastly  inferior 
to  that  of  the  ordinary  yacht,  that  there  is  manifest  unfair- 
ness in  lecturing  the  former  and  permitting  the  latter  to  go 
scot  free. 

Unsophisticated  persons  living  in  inland  towns  cannot 
understand  why  the  cost  of  maintaining  a  yacht  need  ne- 
cessarily be  so  enormous  as  it  notoriously  is.  After  the 
first  cost  of  providing  one's  self  with  a  yacht  is  paid,  they 
cannot  perceive  the  necessity  for  spending  vast  annual 
sums  upon  her.  But  it  is  with  yachts  as  it  is  with  women. 
A  man  who  provides  himself  with  a  pretty  wife,  equipped 
with  a  sufficient  quantity  of  clothes,  might  keep  her  veiy 
cheaply  if  he  did  not  permit  her  to  go  into  society.  Usu- 
ally, however,  he  is  proud  of  her,  and  wants  to  exhibit 
her,  and  consequently,  after  he  has  made  her  an  ornament 


138  SIXTH  COLUMN- FANCIES. 

of  society,  he  has  to  defray  the  constant  expense  of  main- 
taining her  position.  It  is  not  impossible  for  a  yachtsman 
to  buy  a  yacht,  and  to  use  her  in  a  modest  and  quiet  way 
without  ruining  himself.  Experience  shows,  however,  that 
he  is  never  satisfied  until  he  has  joined  a  yacht  club,  and 
thus  introduced  his  yacht  to  the  society  of  other  fashion- 
able yachts.  Now,  the  yacht  is  far  more  fond  of  extrava- 
gant display  than  is  the  average  woman,  and  when  the 
once  modest  schooner  or  bashful  sloop  has  tasted  the  pleas- 
ures of  a  regatta,  she  proceeds  to  lavish  her  owner's  for- 
tune with  frightful  recklessness. 

The  world  has  little  conception  of  the  private  misery  of 
the  owner  of  a  fast  and  beautiful  yacht.  During  the  racing 
season  she  splits  her  sails  as  though  they  were  lace  tiounces, 
and  sheds  tbpmasts  and  booms  as  though  they  were  hair- 
pins. The  yachtsman,  of  course,  pretends  that  he  has 
perfect  confidence  in  her,  but  he  is  daily  harassed  by 
doubts  as  to  the  absolute  propriety  of  her  conduct  in  beat- 
ing to  windward,  and  never  lays  his  head  upon  his  pillov/ 
without  asking  himself  the  fearful  question  whether  she 
has  too  much  or  too  little  ballast.  There  is  no  American 
yacht  whose  constitution  can  bear  the  wild  excesses  of  the 
regatta  season  without  becoming  more  or  less  impaired. 
When  the  season  is  over  and  the  yachtsman  brings  his  be- 
loved vessel  back  to  her  Winter  quarters,  he  finds  her  in  a 
condition  that  requires  him  to  call  in  the  aid  of  the  ship- 
building profession,  and  to  lavish  upon  her  costly  tonics  of 
hemp  and  iron  and  the  various  other  expensive  remedies 
prescribed  by  skilful  yachting  specialists. 

When  Spring  returns  the  yachtsman  finds  that  he  must 
either  quarrel  with  his  yacht  or  carry  out  her  ruinously  ex- 
pensive plans  for  the  approaching  season.  She  is  not  sat- 
isfied with  the  position  of  her  masts,  and  insists  upon 
having  them  brought  closer  together  or  placed  further 
apart.  She  is  unwilHng  to  enter  another  regatta  unless 
she  is  provided  with  a  new  and  more  graceful  stern,  and 
furnished  with  a  complete  wardrobe  of  new  sails  anc] 
signals.  Then  she  convinces  her  owner  that  unless  he  is 
willing  to  have  her  called  a  perfect  fright  he  must  lengthen 
her  bow  ten  or  fifteen  feet,  and  equip  her  with  longer  top- 


THE  EOY  OF  OSIIKOSIL  13^) 

mai^ti;.  Very  probably  she  will  be  dissatisfied  with  her 
figure  after  these  alterations  have  been  made,  and  will 
assert  that  unless  she  is  given  more  breadth  of  beam  she 
might  as  well  wiihdra»v  from  yachting  society  and  slave 
herself  to  death  in  ihe  oyster  or  fruit  trade.  It  is  no 
wonder  that  in  these  chcamstances  no  man  can  own  a 
yacht  who  has  not  an  independent  fortune,  or  at  least  a 
position  as  counsel  for  an  insolvent  railroad.  A  yacht 
which  squanders  money  like  water  all  Summer,  undergoes 
elaborate  repairs  in  the  Fall,  and  is  completely  remodelled 
every  Spring,  is  infinitely  more  extravagant  than  any  woman 
who  ever  wore  3 2  mo  shoes  or  microscopic  gloves. 

There  is  only  one  way  in  which  to  be  a  happy  yachts- 
man. It  is  to  buy  a  slow  and  rather  plain-looking  yacht. 
Such  a  yacht  rarely  cares  to  go  into  society,  and  carefully 
shuns  the  giddy  regatta.  Her  owner  will  never  be  pointed 
out  as  the  proprietor  of  a  crack  yacht,  but  he  can  enjoy  a 
quiet,  domestic  sort  of  happiness  which  the  owner  of  a 
fast  yacht  can  never  know,  and  he  can  feel  that  calm  con- 
fidence in  his  yacht's  ballast  which  is  worth  more  than 
money^  challenge  cups,  and  other  yachting  prizes. 


•THE  BOY  OF  OSHKOSH. 

A  Western  newspaper  alleges  that  a  combined  boy  and 
girl,  has  made  his,  her,  or  their  appearance  in  the  City  of 
Oshkosh.  All  previous  Oshkoshian  boys  have  been  of  the 
pattern  in  common  use,  and  it  is  understood  that  the  com- 
bined boy  owes  his  existence  to  the  stimulating  effect  of  the 
late  Centennial  Exhibition  upon  the  patriotic  minds  of  his 
parents.  Unfortunately  he  was  not  perfected  in  time  to  be 
exhibited  at  Philadelphia  as  a  specimen  of  American  in- 
genuity and  industry.  Still,  although  he  will  be  looked 
upon  more  in  the  light  of  a  curious  human  toy  than  of  a 
meritorious  and  practical  improvement  upon  the  ordinary 
boy  of  commerce,  he  is  certain  to  command  the  resj^ectful 
attention  of  all  persons  with  a  taste  for  rare  bits  of  human 
bric-a-brac. 


140 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FAXCIES. 


Strictly  speaking,  the  Oshkosh  boy  is  not  a  combined 
boy  and  girl.  He  is  rather  a  boy  with  an  ing.aiious  female 
attachment.  So  far  as  the  larger  part  of  him  is  concerned 
he  is  a  complete  boy  in  all  respects — possessing  the  limbs, 
freckles,  pockets,  marbles,  jack-knives,  and  other  organs 
with  which  nature  has  benevolently  endowed  the  average 
human  boy.  Closely  attached  to  him,  much  after  the  man- 
ner in  which  a  limb  is  attached  to  the  trunk  of  a  tree,  is  a 
certain  amount  of  girl.  So  far  as  her  head  and  shoulders 
are  concerned,  this  girl  is  a  very  creditable  affair.  Nature, 
which  began  her  with  evident  care,  nevertheless  abandoned 
the  undertaking  prematurely  and  in  reprehensible  haste. 
The  girl  had  been  fniished  only  down  to  her  waist  when  she 
was  abruptly  fastened  to  the  boy's  spinal  column,  and  all 
intention  of  completing  her  was  relinquished.  That  she  is 
a  girl  there  is  no  room  for  doubt.  She  has  already,  at  the 
early  age  of  thirteen  months,  exhibited  an  interest  in  bon- 
nets and  a  passion  for  hair-pins  which  w^ould  alone  settle 
any  possible  question  as  to  her  sex.  It  is  true  that  she  is 
prone  to  insert  the  hair-pins  into  her  mouth,  but  in  the 
absence  of  hair,  she  could  scarcely  dispose  of  them  in  any 
other  way.  We  may  regret  that  Nature  delays  to  serve  out 
to  female  babies  their  due  allowance  of  hair  until  a  com- 
paratively late  period  of  their  infancy  ;  but  this  fact  in  no 
way  justifies  any  doubt  as  to  their  rightful  sex. 

Looked  upon  merely  as  an  ingenious  variation  from  the 
order  of  architecture  which  mankind  has  hitherto  adopted 
in  the  construction  of  infants,  the  Oshkosh  prodigy  merits 
our  admiration.  For  all  practical  purposes,  however,  the 
combined  boy  and  girl  is  worse  than  useless.  When  his 
parents  are  persistently  asked  what  possible  use  the  boy  can 
make  of  the  small  amount  of  girl  thus  arbitrarily  fastened 
upon  him,  they  are  said  to  mutter  in  a  feeble  and  apologetic 
way  something  concerning  the  advantages  which  the  constant 
presence  of  a  pair  of  hands  ready  to  sew  on  unlimited  but- 
tons secures  to  their  pattern  of  a  boy.  The  weakness  of 
this  argument  is  simply  pitiable.  The  trifling  advantages 
in  point  of  buttons  which  the  combined  boy  may  possess 
are  as  nothing  compared  with  the  disadvantages  to  which 
his  female  attachment  will   subject  him.     Placed,  with  a 


TO  O  MUCH  PR  UDENCE.  1 4 1 

lack  of  forethought  which  is  almost  criminal,  i.i  a  position 
where  she  has  unlimited  command  of  the  boy's  hair,  the 
girl  will  unquestionably  develop  into  an  inexorable  tyrant. 
The  boy  will  be  made  her  helpless  slave.  The  sole  means 
of  defense  open  to  him  will  be  to  imitate  the  strategy  of 
the  army  mule,  and  to  back  his  tormentor  violently  against 
a  stonewall.  Even  this  method  of  defense  can  be  attempt- 
ed only  at  a  cost  of  hair  so  frightful  as  to  appall  the  bold- 
est spirit.  It  may  be  safely  predicted  that  the  boy  will 
choose  the  safer  plan  of  absolutely  surrendering  his  will 
to  that  of  his  ruthless  ruler.  His  duty  in  life  will  simply  be 
to  bear  her  on  his  shoulders  through  a  staring  and  pitiless 
world  ;  and  it  is  in  the  highest  degree  improbable  that  any 
further  boys  will  be  constructed  upon  so  objectionable  a 
model.  Indeed,  most  humane  persons  will  hope  that  the 
story  of  the  Oshkosh  boy  is  nothing  more  than  an  idle 
newspaper  hoax.  Incredible  and  revolting  as  it  may  ap- 
pear, there  are  western  newspapers  which  sometimes  fail 
to  discriminate  between  truth  and  falsehood,  and  it  is  pos- 
sible that  the  combined  boy  and  girl  is  merely  the  troubled 
dream  of  a  rural  journalist,  whose  mind  has  been  thrown 
off  its  balance  by  the  receipt  of  a  free  ticket  to  a  travelling 
circus. 


TOO    MUCH   PRUDENCE. 

Prudence  is  undoubtedly  a  good  thing,  but  there  may 
sometimes  be  too  much  of  it.  There  is  an  extremely  pru- 
dent man  in  Iowa,  who  recently  married  a  wife  in  what  he 
regarded  as  a  wonderfully  prudent  manner ;  but  there  is 
reason  to  believe  that  he  already  bewails  his  excessive  pru- 
dence, and  acknowledges  that  any  amount  of  matrimonial 
rashness  would  have  been  wiser  and  safer. 

In  order  not  to  lacerate  the  feelings  of  this  prudent 
lowan,  he  shall  be  introduced  to  the  reader  under  the  gen- 
eral name  of  Smith.  Mr.  Smith  had  long  desired  to  enter 
the  matrimonial  state,  but  he  had  a  fine  head  of  hair,  and 
a  skull  which  responded  with  unusual  sensitiveness  to  the 


142  SIXTH  COLUMN  FAiVCIES. 

contact  of  broomsticks  and  stove-lids.  For  some  t'me  V 
fancied  that  a  weak,  consumptive  woman  might  meet  the 
necessities  of  his  case,  but  having  on  one  occasion  gone 
home  from  a  torch-light  procession  with  a  friend  whose  wife 
was  a  confirmed  invalid,  and  having  caught  a  glimpse  ol 
her  through  the  crack  of  the  door,  standing  grimly  erect  ic 
a  corner,  with  a  deadly  pie-board  grasped  in  both  hands 
and  poised  above  her  head  in  very  nearly  the  position  of 
"  right  shoulder  shift,"  he  promptly  decided  that  no  pru- 
dent man  could  rely  with  confidence  upon  womanly  weak- 
ness. Probably,  he  would  have  remained  a  bachelor  until 
this  day  had  not  the  truths  of  Spiritualism  suddenly  en- 
lightened his  mind  and  filled  him  with  hope.  A  powerful 
medium  of  great  skill  in  the  materialization  of  spirits  hap- 
pened to  visit  Mr.  Smith's  native  town,  and  as  the  latter 
witnessed  the  successful  opening  of  an  unequalled  collec- 
tion of  the  latest  styles  of  female  ghosts,  the  happy  thought 
occurred  to  him  that  a  materialized  spirit  would  be  precise- 
ly the  sort  of  wife  for  a  really  prudent  man. 

Full  of  this  inspiriting  idea,Mr.Smith  sought  the  medium, 
and  unfolded  to  him  his  new-born  hopes.  The  medium 
naturally  did  not  underrate  his  ghostly  stock  in  trade.  He 
told  the  prudent  Smith  that  a  spiritual  wife  would  be  the 
cheapest  and  safest  article  of  the  kind  that  could  possibly 
be  obtained.  He  showed  him  that  a  materialized  spirit 
always  supplied  its  own  clothes,  and  disdained  to  follow 
the  fashions  or  wear  the  fabrics  of  the  material  world. 
Moreover,  a  materialized  woman  cannot  be  induced  to  eat 
earthly  food,  but  always  seeks  the  restaurants  and  boarding- 
houses  of  the  other  world  when  she  is  hungry  or  desires  to 
stimulate  her  mind  with  tea.  There  is  thus  no  possible 
expense  attending  the  entertainment  of  ghosts,  and,  for  an 
lowan  husband  of  a  frugal  turn  of  mind  a  ghostly  wife 
would  be  an  unalloyed  blessing.  As  to  the  dangers  which, 
in  districts  inhabited  by  strong-minded  women,  menace  the 
heads  or  hair  of  disobedient  or  careless  husbands,  they  are 
unknown  in  the  spirit  world.  A  materialized  wife  can  only 
handle  a  materialized  broom-stick — the  real  article  being 
too  gross  to  be  wielded  by  spiritual  hands — and  a  blow 
from  such  a  weapon  would  be  entirely  imperceptible.     To 


rOO  MUCH  PRUDENCE. 


143 


these  eminently  satisfactory  explanations  Mr.  Smith  lis^ 
tened  with  the  utmost  joy,  and  when  they  were  ended,  he 
requested  the  medium  to  materialize  a  neat,  attractive  ghost, 
with  blue  eyes,  yellow  hair,  and  a  handsome  wedding  dress, 
and  he  would  promptly  make  her  Mrs.  Smith. 

The  next  evening  the  desired  ghost  appeared.  She  was 
in  all  respects  a  first-class  ghost,  and  as  she  issued  from 
the  cabinet  with  a  step  so  light  that  she  seemed  to  float  on 
air,  Mr.  Smith  felt  that  the  dream  of  his  life  was  about  to 
be  realized.  He  stepped  forward,  took  her  shadowy  hand 
in  his,  and,  without  carping  at  the  fact  that  it  was  rather 
warmer  than  the  hand  of  a  ghost  who  had  been  kept  in  a 
comfortably  cool  place  ought  to  be,  underwent  the  marriage 
ceremony  with  the  coolness  of  a  veteran  missionary  who 
had  returned  from  an  unhealthy  climate  to  lay  in  his  fourth 
or  fifth  wife.  When  the  ceremony  was  finished  he  kissed 
his  bride,  and  permitted  her  to  withdraw  to  the  cabinet  to 
change  her  dress,  while  he  waited  for  her  at  the  stage-door 
of  the  spiritual  theatre. 

It  is  sad  to  relate  that  Mr.  Smith  has  waited  for  his 
wife  ever  since.  He  has  seen  her  but  once  since  the 
evening  of  his  marriage,  and  she  then  merely  put  her  hand 
out  of  the  cabinet  and  mentioned  that  while  she  should  be 
true  to  her  beloved  husband,  circumstances  over  which  she 
had  no  control  would  prevent  her  from  meeting  him  until 
he  should  reach  the  spirit  world.  The  medium  has  re- 
plied to  the  reproaches  of  Mr.  Smith,  who,  exhibiting  to 
him  the  ragged  edge  of  his  wristbands  and  the  decimation 
of  his  shirt  buttons,  piteously  demanded  his  wife,  that  no 
one  could  compel  a  spirit  to  materialize  unless  the  spirit 
wished  to  undergo  that  process.  He  warned  Mr.  Smith 
that  if  he  rashly  deserted  his  spirit  wife  and  married  an 
earthly  woman,  the  former  would  make  the  future  world-an 
uncomfortably  lively  place  for  him  on  his  arrival  there,  and 
further  explained  that  the  spirits  had  no  divorce  courts  of 
their  own,  and  that  the  jurisdiction  of  Indiana  courts  was 
not  recognized  except  in  that  unpleasantly  warm  part  of  the 
spirit  world  where  Indiana  politicians  chiefly  reside.  Thus 
Mr.  Smith,  who  had  thought  it  imprudent  to  marry  an  able- 
bodied  woman  found  himself  wedded  to  a  totally  invisible 


144 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


wife,  who  could  not  be  of  the  slightest  use  to  him,  and 
from  whom  he  could  obtain  no  possible  decree  of  divorce. 
This  was  the  result  of  his  excessive  prudence,  and  it  is  un- 
derstood that  he  now  openly  calls  the  "  good  gosh  "  of 
New  England  mythology  to  witness  that  he  has  made  a 
"t-rn-t-n  fool  of  himself,''  and  that  he  would  have  been 
wiser  if  he  had  married  a  six-foot  woman  with  red  hair  and 
a  father  in  the  wholesale  broom  trade. 


THE  COMING  GIRL. 

Long  before  the  rifle  came  into  general  use  as  a  mil- 
itary weapon  it  was  the  familiar  friend  of  the  hunter  and 
the  frontiersman.  Its  vast  superiority  to  the  smooth-bore 
musket  had  been  conclusively  shown,  and  yet  both  in  Europe 
and  in  this  country,  military  men  opposed  its  introduction 
into  the  army.  In  like  manner  the  breech-loader  made  its 
way  slowly  and  against  persistent  opposition.  Sharpe's  rifles 
had  proved  their  efficiency  in  Kansas  years  before  Solferino 
was  fought,  but  both  the  Austrians  and  the  French  fought 
that  long  and  doubtful  battle  with  muzzle-loaders,  although 
it  is  morally  certain  that  had  either  of  the  combatants  been 
armed  with  breech-loaders  the  other  would  have  been 
quickly  beaten.  The  dull  prejudice  with  which  soldiers 
clung  first  to  their  muskets  and  afterwards  to  their  muzzle- 
loaders  seems  almost  inexplicable  now  ;  but  that  civilians 
can  be  equally  dull  in  opposing  improvements  of  obvious 
merit  is  shown  by  the  fact  that  the  roller-skate  has  been  be- 
fore the  public  for  many  years,  and  that  both  America  and 
Europe  have  until  now  persistently  refused  to  adopt  it. 

Curiously  enough,  the  first  nation  which  has  seriously 
considered  the  propriety  of  increasing  the  efficiency  of  the 
usual  style  of  girl  by  mounting  her  on  wheels  is  the  con- 
servative British  nation.  Within  the  past  two  years  the 
roller-skate  has  become  immensely  popular  in  England, 
and  if  we  properly  interpret  the  tone  of  the  English  press, 
the  time  is  close  at  hand  when   the   efficiency  of  English 


THE  COMIiVG  GIRL. 


145 


girls  will  be  at  least  trebled  by  the  universal  adoption  of  the 
ingenious  device  of  fitting  them  with  wheels. 

The  cost  of  this  improvement  will  be  trifling  in  com- 
parison with  the  advantages  which  it  will  secure.  The 
conversion  of  the  Enfield  rifle  into  a  breech-loader  cost 
the  British  Government  an  enormous  sum,  but  the  nation 
cheerfully  paid  the  bill.  The  cost  of  converting  the  pres- 
ent pattern  of  English  girl  into  a  four,  six,  or  even  eight 
wheeled  girl  would  probably  be  so  much  less  than  the 
price  paid  for  converting  fire-arms,  that  it  might  be  under- 
taken by  the  Government  without  involving  the  slightest 
increase  in  taxation.  It  is  not,  however,  proposed  that  the 
Government  shall  undertake  the  matter.  It  will  be  the 
pleasure  as  well  as  the  duty  of  every  head  of  a  family 
to  mount  his  or  her  daughter  on  wheels,  and  there  will 
not  be  the  least  necessity  for  any  legislation  on  the  sub- 
ject. 

As  for  the  advantages  which  would  be  gained  by  the 
proposed  conversion  of  young  English  women  they  hardly 
need  to  be  pointed  out.  The  sportsman  who  hunts  par- 
tridges with  a  double-barrelled  breech-loader  is  obviously 
better  equipped  than  he  would  be  were  he  to  arm  himself 
with  a  bow  and  arrows.  In  the  pursuit  of  husbands  wheel- 
ed girls  will  possess  a  similar  superiority  over  unwheeled 
rivals.  The  old-fashioned  pedestrian  girl,  who  from  her 
window  perceives  an  heir  to  a  title  striding  along  the  street, 
knows  how  hopeless  it  would  be  for  her  to  sally  forth  with 
the  view  of  pursuing  him  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  way 
and  of  meeting  him  accidentally  at  some  convenient  cross- 
ing. The  wheeled  girl,  however,  could  practice  this  strat- 
egy with  every  prospect  of  success.  If  she  is  properly 
mounted,  and  her  wheels  run  easily  and  without  much  fric- 
tion, she  can  attain  a  rate  of  speed  which  will  enable  her 
to  run  down  the  best  pair  of  unmarried  masculine  legs  in 
the  whole  kingdom.  The  same  capacity  for  high  speed 
will  render  it  easy  for  her  to  avoid  portionless  younger  sons 
whom  she  may  meet  either  in  the  ballroom  or  on  the  pub- 
lic promenade.  In  fact  the  success  of  the  wheeled  girl 
would  furnish  a  fine  illustration  of  the  doctrine  of  the  sur- 
vival of  the  fittest.     The  swiftest  girls  would  capture  the 

lO 


i  46  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

most  eligible  husbands,  and  the  slowest  girls  would  fail  to 
catch  even  undesirable  younger  sons.  Thus  the  poorer  and 
the  slower  classes  would  gradually  become  extinct,  and  in 
time  England  would  be  peopled  only  by  eight-wheeled  girls 
and  desirable  young  men.  It  must  also  be  noticed  that 
the  wheeled  girl  can  always  escape  from  a  heavy  and 
necessarily  slow  duenna,  and  the  increased  degree  o-f  free- 
dom which  wheels  will  thus  insure  will  render  most  girls 
of  the  period  exceedingly  anxious  to  adopt  them. 

Of  course,  no  one  nation  can  hope  to  preserve  a  monop- 
oly of  wheeled  girls.  France  and  Germany  will  speedily 
follow  the  example  of  England  and  will  convert  their  girls 
upon  the  six  or  eight  wheeled  system,  and  America  will  in- 
evitably adopt  the  prevailing  fashion.  However  efficient  the 
pedestrian  girl  may  hitherto  have  been,  she  is  doomed  to 
become  obsolete  except  among  savage  nations.  Hence- 
forth the  girl  of  civilization  will  pursue  her  prey  on  wheels, 
and  until  some  cunning  inventor  can  solve  the  problem  of 
equipping  girls  with  wings  our  sidewalks  will  echo  with  the 
whir  of  wheels,  and  lovely  faces  will  flash  by  us  with  near- 
ly the  speed  and  more  than  the  brilliancy  of  meteors. 


AN  UNNECESSARY  INVENTION. 

Few  people  have  any  accurate  idea  of  the  immense 
number  of  ingenious  inventions  that  are  annually  patented 
at  Washington.  It  is  creditable  to  the  inventors  that  for 
the  most  part  these  inventions  are  intended  to  serve  some 
really  useful  end  and  to  meet  some  obvious  want.  Never- 
theless, there  are  inventors  who  appear  to  have  more  desire 
to  display  their  ingenuity  than  to  accomplish  any  public 
benefit.  Such  inventors  are  akin  in  spirit  to  those  captious 
persons  who  decline  to  rent  a  room  or  an  office  unless  it 
possesses  facilities  for  swinging  a  cat.  although  they  have 
not  the  remotest  intention  of  ever  performing  that  exciting 
but  frivolous  experiment.  The  Patent  Office  contains 
numerous  models  of  machines  framed  with  the  utmost  skill, 
but  intended  for  purposes  for  which  no   man  will  ever  de- 


AN  UN-NEC  ESS  A  R  V  INVENTION.  1 47 

sire  to  employ  them,  or  which  are  hostile  to  the  best  inter- 
ests of  the  coin  muni  ty.  We  may  admire  the  ingenuity  of 
these  machines,  but  at  the  same  time  we  must  regret  that 
the  inventors  have  wasted  or  perverted  their  abilities. 

It  is  to  this  latter  class  of  inventions  that  the  recently 
patented  "  Smith  Rolling  and  Crushing  Machine,"  undoub- 
tedly belongs — unless,  indeed,  the  nature  and  object  of 
the  invention  have  been  grossly  misrepresented.  As  its 
name  implies,  it  is  obviously  intended  for  diminishing  the 
number  of  Smiths.  It  is  understood  that  it  consists  of  a 
series  of  heavy  rollers  resembling  those  by  which  iron 
plates  are  rolled,  and  also  of  a  pair  of  gigantic  grindstones 
of  novel  pattern  and  enormous  power,  the  whole  being  set 
in  motion  by  a  12-horse  power  engine.  Its  method  of  op- 
eration is  at  once  simple  and  effective.  The  operator  takes 
a  Smith  of  any  size,  and  adjusting  the  gearing  of  the  roll- 
ers to  the  exact  width  to  which  it  is  desired  to  roll  the 
Smith,  gently  inserts  his  head  between  the  rollers.  The 
machine  is  then  set  in  motion,  and  in  the  brief  space  of 
fifty-eight  seconds  the  Smith  is  rolled  to  any  desired  de- 
gree of  thinness.  If  a  Smith  is  to  be  crushed,  he  is  placed 
in  a  hopper  communicating  with  the  grindstones,  and  after 
a  rapid  trituration,  varying  from  two  minutes  to  five 
minutes,  according  to  the  size  and  toughness  of  the  Smith, 
he  is  reduced  to  a  fine  and  evenly-ground  powder,  in  which 
such  foreign  substances  as  buttons  or  shirt-studs  can  be 
detected  only  by  the  most  delicate  chemical  tests.  The 
inventor,  so  it  is  said,  claims  that  by  a  very  simple  mechan- 
ical attachment  the  machine  can  be  made  to  roll  or  crush 
Smythes  and  Schmidts  with  equal  efficiency,  and  he  is  con- 
fident th-tthe  general  principle  underlying  his  invention  can 
be  applied  to  Brown-crushing  or  Robinson-rolling  machines. 

Now  we  may  fully  appreciate  the  ingenuity  displayed 
in  the  conception  of  the  Smith  roller  and  crusher,  and  the 
skill  with  which  that  conception  has  been  embodied  in 
iron  and  grindstones.  A  grave  objection,  however,  can  be 
urged  against  the  invention,  and  that  is  that  there  is  no 
evidence  of  any  existing  demand  for  such  a  machine.  That 
there  is  a  large  quantity  of  Smiths,  not  to  speak  of 
Smythes  and  Schmidts,  in  this  country  is  undeniable. 
There   is,  however,  no  proof  that  the  volume  of  Smiths  is 


1 48  '  SAX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

more  than  commensurate  with  the  necessities  of  business. 
It  may  be  conceded  that,  at  certain  times  and  in  certain 
limited  localities,  there  is  an  excess  of  Smiths.  A  plethora 
of  Smiths  in  one  place,  however,  implies  a  corresponding 
paucity  of  Smiths  in  another,  and  the  difficulty  soon  regu- 
lates itself.  It  may  be  confidently  asserted  that  the  great 
law  of  supply  and  demand  can  be  trusted  to  preserve  the 
balance  of  Smiths  from  any  serious  disturbance.  Hence 
it  is  sufficiently  plain  that  there  is  no  need  of  a  sudden 
contraction  of  the  volume  of  Smiths,  and  that  the  Smith 
roller  and  crusher  is  wholly  superfluous. 

There  is  still  another  objection  to  the  machine,  which 
is,  at  least,  as  serious  as  that  already  suggested.  No  one 
will  deny  that  were  it  desired  to  contract  the  volume  of 
Smiths  by  a  certain  definite  number,  every  week  or  month, 
the  Smith  roller  and  crusher  would  accomplish  that  end 
with  thoroughness  and  success.  A  Smith  when  once  roll- 
ed to  the  uniform  thinness  of  a  quarter  of  an  inch,  or  crushed 
to  the  fineness  of  ground  coffee,  would  be  of  no  further  use 
as  a  Smith.  But  why  employ  costly  machinery  to  roll  and 
crush  Smiths,  when  they  could  be  retired  with  equal  effi- 
ciency in  a  dozen  different  and  less  expensive  ways  ?  The 
inventor  has  as  yet  made  no  suggestion  as  to  the  possible 
uses  to  which  a  rolled  Smith  might  be  put ;  neither  has  he 
proposed  any  plan  for  the  utilization  of  crushed  Smiths. 
On  the  other  hand,  it  is  perfectly  evident  that  one  result 
of  his  process  would  be  the  financial  ruin  of  coffin-makers, 
who,  as  is  well  known,  regard  the  Smiths  as  their  most 
valuable  clients.  The  more  closely  the  invention  is  studied, 
the  more  plainly  is  it  seen  that  it  meets  no  real  want,  and 
that  it  proposes  to  do,  in  an  elaborate  and  costly  way,  what 
might  be  done  more  simply  and  cheaply.  It  is  an  unpleas- 
ant task  to  say  to  an  ingenious  inventor,  "  You  have  wasted 
your  labor  and  have  produced  what  is,  at  best,  only  a  curi- 
ous scientific  toy."  This,  however,  must  be  the  universal 
verdict  upon  the  Smith  roller  and  crusher.  The  rich  and 
idle  amateur  of  science  may  occasionally  amuse  himself  by 
rolling  or  crushing  Smiths  in  his  private  laboratory  or 
workshop,  but  it  is  folly  to  suppose  that  the  machine  will 
ever  come  into  general  use,  or  that  the  inventor  or  the 
public  will  ever  reap  any  decided  benefit  from  it. 


A  BENEFICENT  INVETION.  145 


A  BENEFICENT  INVENTION. 

Those  who  were  familiar  wdth  the  appearance  of  a 
district  school-room  thirty  years  ago  w^ould  find  little  to 
remind  them  of  their  school  days  were  they  to  enter  a 
class-room  in  any  of  our  public  schools  to-day.  The  old- 
fashioned  benches  that  afforded  such  a  delightful  surface 
for  carving,  and  that  could  be  so  easily  tipped  over  when- 
ever a  boy  felt  that  the  sight  of  a  dozen  pair  of  juvenile 
legs  waving  wildly  in  the  air  would  strengthen  and  encour- 
age the  weary  schoolmistress,  have  been  replaced  by 
elaborate  chairs  moulded  to  fit  the  sinuosities  of  the  writhing 
small-boy,  and  turning  on  pivots  entirely  devoid  of  squeak. 
The  capacious  desks,  in  which  hoards  of  apples  and  bat- 
teries of  pop-guns  could  be  easily  stowed  away,  have  given 
place  to  smaller  desks,  astutely  contrived  to  hold  only  the 
limited  quantity  of  school-books  in  daily  use,  and  the  rude 
blackboard  of  primitive  times  has  been  succeeded  by  a 
wide  w^ainscot  of  black  plaster  which  encircles  the  room, 
and  which  cannot  be  stolen,  nor  covered  with  soap,  except 
at  a  vast  outlay  of  time  and  material. 

These  improvements  are  the  work  of  ingenious  persons, 
who  apparently  pass  their  lives  in  the  invention  of  new 
chairs,  desks,  and  other  school-room  furniture.  It  w^ould 
be  difficult,  if  not  impossible,  to  calculate  without  the  aid 
of  a  blackboard  the  immense  quantity  of  patents  that  have 
been  recently  granted  for  improved  school  furniture.  Of 
course,  no  inventor  claims  to  have  originated  the  generic 
idea  of  a  chair  or  a  desk.  It  is,  however,  apparently  held 
at  the  Patent  Office  that  whenever  a  man  manufactures  a 
chair  with  the  back  at  a  different  angle  from  that  selected 
by  the  last  preceding  inventor,  he  is  entitled  to  a  patent, 
and  a  similar  theory  leads  to  the  issue  of  patents  to  men 
who  invent  desks  differing  in  size  from  those  already  in 
use  by  a  half  or  a  quarter  of  an  inch.     When  we  consider 


i-o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

the  multiplicitv  of  patents  which  have  hitherto  been  issued, 
and  the  ingenuity  which  inventors  have  shown  in  their 
efforts  to  produce  ideally  perfect  chairs  and  desks,  it  is 
odd  that  no  one  has  hitherto  invented  a  chair  contrived 
with  a  view  to  the  entire  suppression  of  "joggling." 

Of  the  evils  of  "joggling"  it  is  unnecessary  to  speak. 
They  are  acknowledged  and  bewailed  by  all  school-teachers, 
but  they  have  been  regarded  as  among  the  necessary  evils 
of  the  school-room.  The  small-boy  is  as  prone  to  "joggle  " 
as  the  sparks  are  to  fly  upward,  and  although  a  muscular 
teacher  can  easily  convince  him  that  the  practice  is  fraught 
with  danger,  he  cannot  be  induced  to  abandon  it.  Many 
of  our  best  and  noblest  statesmen  have  "joggled  "  in  their 
school-boy  days,  and  venerable  matrons,  whom  the  breath 
of  scandal  has  never  touched,  know  in  the  secret  recesses 
of  their  hearts  that  in  their  childhood  they  were  "joggled  " 
by  reckless  schoolmates,  and  did  not  hesitate  to  "  joggle  " 
in  return.  In  view  of  the  universality  of  this  nefarious 
habit,  all  who  are  interested  in  the  permanence  and  pros- 
perity of  our  school  system  \\\\\  be  glad  to  learn  that  an 
inventor  has  at  last  been  found  who  has  di«^^d,an  abso- 
lute cure  for  "  joggling." 

This  invention,  like  many  .other  valuable  inventions,  is 
charming  in  its  simplicity.  In  the  seat  of  each  school- 
room chair  is  placed  a  small  metallic  plate  connected  by  a 
wire  wdth  a  galvanic  battery  placed  within  the  teacher's 
reach.  Every  alternate  chair  is  connected  with  the  positive 
pole  of  the  battery,  while  the  remaining  chairs  are  con- 
nected with  the  negative  pole.  Let  us  suppose  that  a  boy 
addicted  to  "  joggling"  seats  himself  on  one  of  these 
chairs.  He  is,  of  course,  in  close  contact  w^ith  the  metallic 
plate,  and  though  it  is  possible  that  the  mind  may  be 
thereby  gently  stimulated,  he  experiences  no  shock,  and 
remains  unconscious  of  the  fact  that  a  current  of  electricity 
is  passing  through  him.  Presently  the  Great  Adversary 
tempts  him  to  "  joggle "  his  nearest  neighbor,  and  he 
stretches  out  a  surreptitious  foot  or  hand,  but  no  sooner 
has  he  touched  his  victim  than  the  galvanic  circuit  is  com- 
pleted, and  the  unseen  torturer  has  them  both  in  an  inex- 
orable grasp.    Two  yells  of  contemporaneous  human  agony 


SMITING  THE  HEATHEN.  i^j 

startle  the  school-room,  and  the  teacher  beholds  the  "  jog- 
gler  "  and  the  "  joggled  "  writhing  in  anguish  and  unable 
to  break  the'  bond  that  holds  them  in  contact.  When  this 
spectacle  has  been  fully  seen  by  every  scholar,  and  the 
teacher  has  improved  the  occasion  to  point  out  the  wicked- 
ness of  "  joggling,"  he  breaks  the  current  and  the  victims 
are  released.  It  is  safe  to  say  that  a  boy  thus  punished 
would  never  "  joggle  "  again,  and  that  the  chief  effort  of 
every  scholar  would  be  to  avoid  the  slightest  contact  with 
another  while  in  the  school-room. 

An  invention  so  ingenious  and  so  efficacious  ought  to 
be  brought  to  the  attention  of  every  school-teacher  in  the 
land.  It  should  be  exhibited  at  the  American  Institute 
Fair  where  unsuspecting  boys  could  be  bribed  to  "joggle  " 
in  public,  and  to  thus  illustrate  the  working  of  the  inven- 
tion, whiLe  at  the  same  time  serving  as  frightful  examples 
of  the  evil  of  "  joggling."  Let  school-teachers  take  cour- 
age. The  day  is  at  hand  when  "  joggling,"  with  all  its 
train  of  attendant  evils  will  be  at  an  end.  The  peace  of 
the  school-room  will  be  kept  by  electricity,  and  the  detec- 
tion and  puoia^Trient  of  every  offender  will  instantaneously 
follow  the  commission  of  the  offense. 


SMITING  THE  HEATHEN. 

It  is  undoubtedly  true  that  mobs  are  inexcusable,  and 
that  riots  are  not  to  be  tolerated  in  any  civilized  community. 
And  yet  it  sometimes  happens  that  the  law  is  unable  or 
unwilling  to  suppress  some  public  and  gigantic  evil.  In 
such  case  mob  violence  becomes  the  only  alternative  of 
degrading  submission,  and  to  this  alternative  a  courageous 
and  high-spirited  people  will  usually  resort.  It  is  evident 
that  this  is  the  true  explanation  of  the  frequently  threatened 
popular  risings  against  the  Chinese  in  California,  and  how- 
ever much  we  may  deprecate  unlawful  massacres  perpetra- 
ted by  unauthorized  rioters,  it  cannot  be  denied  that  the 
conduct  of  the  Chinese  has  provoked  and  invited  public 
hostility. 


15- 


SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 


When  the  earliest  Chinese  immigrants  arrived  in  Cali- 
fornia they  were  not  regarded  with  any  serious  dislike.  On 
the  contrary,  much  innocent  amusement  was  derived  from 
them  by  that  frank,free,and  manly  class  of  the  American  pop- 
ulation locally  known  as  the  "hoodlums."  To  drag  a  China- 
man backwards  by  his  cue  was  considered  a  wholesome  and 
enlivening  sport,  and  children  too  young  to  be  trusted  with 
revolvers  were  taught  to  cultivate  accuracy  of  aim  by  throw- 
ing stones  at  the  timid  heathen.  At  that  period  the  Chinese 
were  too  few  in  number  to  compete  in  any  way  with  resi- 
dent Christians,  especially  as  they  were  allowed  to  search 
for  gold  only  in  claims  which  had  been  previously  worked 
out  and  abandoned.  This  happy  state  of  things  was,  how- 
ever, of  brief  duration.  The  Chinese  immigration  in- 
creased with  alarming  rapidit}^,  and  it  is  now  estimated 
that  in  the  Chinese  quarter  of  San  Francisco  there  are  fully 
-4;#§mty  thousand  so-called  souls. 

That  these  alleged  men — for  even  in  California  there  are 
Americans  who  unblushingly  assert  that  the  Chinaman  is  a 
man — should  incur  the  hostility  of  the  "  hoodlums,"  was  in- 
evitable. Their  want  of  manliness  and  morality  is  simply  dis- 
gusting. The  Chinaman  is  not  only  always  willing  to  work, 
but  he  does  his  work  with  mean-spirited  thoroughness,  and 
for  wages  which  a  "  hoodlum  "  would  refuse  with  loathing 
and  contempt.  He  has  no  conception  of  the  manly  joy  of  in- 
toxicating himself  on  bad  whiskey  and  of  engaging  in  spirited 
"difficulties"  with  his  friends  or  with  casual  strangers. 
Though  he  may  have  resided  for  several  years  in  a  Chris- 
tian country,  the  Chinaman  is  seldom  able  to  swear  with 
fluency  or  originality.  It  is  true  that  in  his  own  quarter  of 
the  city  he  gambles  with  other  Chinamen  for  preposterously 
small  stakes,  and  it  is  not  impossible  that  he  blasphemes 
in  his  own  intricate  language,  and  in  a  feeble,  heathenish 
way.  It  is  nevertheless  undeniable  that  he  lacks  the  cour- 
age or  the  ability  to  practice  those  virtues  in  public,  and 
right-minded  men  cannot  do  otherwise  than  despise  those 
who  are  manly  and  chivalrous  only  in  private. 

There  are  other  and,  if  possible,  worse  vices  to  which 
the  Chinamen  are  notoriously  addicted.  They  wash  them- 
selves and  wear  clean  clothing.     This  loathsome  practice 


SMITING  THE  HEATHEN.  1^3 

naturally  renders  them  hideous  in  the  sight  of  the  "  hood- 
lum," and  it  is  not  surprising  that  it  is  generally  regarded 
as  a  direct  insult  to  voters.  Equally  heinous  is  the  frugal- 
ity practiced  by  these  depraved  heathen.  The  Chinese  ac- 
tually save  money  out  of  their  meagre  earnings  ;  and  while 
they  affect  to  scorn  the  free  lunches  provided  by  beneficent 
liquor-sellers,  it  is  currently  reported  that  they  dine  on 
carefully-fattened  puppies,  and  even  prefer  that  unnatural 
diet  to  the  wholesome  flesh  of  the  &till-fed  hog. 

It  will  hardly  be  credited  by  persons  unfamiliar  with 
Californian  law  that  there  is  not  a  single  statute  which  pro- 
hibits the  revolting  pagan  practices  above  described.  Not 
only  is  this  true,  but  certain  Californian  courts  have  delib- 
erately decided  that  if  an  American  citizen  playfully  shoots  a 
casual  Chinaman,  or  if  an  American  small-boy  fractures  a 
Chinese  skull  with  a  paving-stone,  the  injured  Chinaman 
can  cause  the  arrest,  and  in  rare  instances  the  punishment, 
of  the  aggressor.  The  law,  so  far  from  declaring  the  China- 
man to  h^ferce  natiim,  and  thus  placing  him  on  the  same 
plane  with  the  umbrella,  as  an  object  which  can  be  stolen 
or  smashed  without  fear  of  punishment,  shamelessly  pro- 
ceeds upon  the  absurd  assumption  that  he  is  a  man,  and 
has  thus  certain  natural  and  inalienable  rights.  It  is  there- 
fore, worse  than  idle  to  appeal  to  the  law  to  suppress 
the  Chinaman;  and  it  follows  that  either  the  "hoodlum  " 
must  submit  to  the  degrading  presence  of  thousands  of  in- 
dustrious pagans,  who  corru'pt  his  moral  nature  by  the  open 
parade  of  their  heathenish  vices,  or  he  must  rise  above  the 
law  and  cure  the  Chinese  ulcer  with  knife  and  pistol. 

The  latter  is  the  course  which  he  is  apparently  resolved 
to  take,  and  though  we  may  not  approve  of  rioting  in  the  ab- 
stract, it  cannot  be  denied  that  an  industrious,  orderly,  and 
frugal  Jieathen  is  a  sight  adapted  to  goad  the  average 
" hoodlum"  to  frenzy.  San  Francisco  has  evidently  made 
up  its  mind  that  the  time  has  come  when  the  resident 
Chinamen  must  be  taught  that  this  is  a  free  and  Christian 
country,  where  they  and  their  pagan  vices  cannot  be  toler- 
ated. The  massacre  of  the  Chinese  can  be  easily  accom- 
plished, and  as  China  has  no  fleet  with  which  to  bombard 
San  Francisco,  in  imitation  of  the  American  and  European 


154  ■       SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

custom  of  exacting  satisfaction  for  the  murder  of  a  drunken 
sailor  by  a  brutal  mob  of  bloodthirsty  Chinese,  the  "  hood- 
lums "  need  have  no  fear  of  punishment.  Of  course,  the 
municipal  authorities  of  the  city  will  nominally  object  to 
the  threatened  riot,  but  inasmuch  as  the  Chinese  have  no 
votes,  while  every  "  hoodlum  "  polls  at  least  a  score,  no 
very  vigorous  interference  with  the  popular  will  need  be 
apprehended. 


THANKSGIVING  PIE. 


v" 


Thanksgiving  Day  is  the  one  national  festival  which 
is  peculiarly  and  thoroughly  American.  Other  nations 
undergo  annual  sufferings  from. noise  and  gunpowder  which 
are  analogous  to  those  which  are  associated  in  our  minds 
with  Fourth 'of  July.  Christmas  is  the  common  property 
of  the  Christian  world,  although  Russia  celebrates  her 
Christmas  some  weeks  later  than  other  nations,  in  order 
that  Russians  residing  in  foreign  countries  may  obtain  a 
double  supply  of  Christmas  presents.  Thanksgiving  Day, 
however,  was  the  invention  of  the  New  England  colonists, 
and  though  it  has  since  been  universally  adopted  by  the 
American  people,  no  other  nation  has  imitated  it.  We 
alone  express  our  annual  gratitude  by  the  sacrifice  of  tur- 
keys, and  it  is,  hence,  greatly  to  be  desired  that  the  one 
exclusively  American  festival  should  be  in  all  respects  per- 
fect and  beyond  reproach. 

It  is  impossible  to  deny  that  In  active  practice  our 
method  of  celebrating  the  day  is  open  to  one  serious  objec- 
tion. In  spite  of  the  progress  which  we  have  made  towards 
a  higher  morality  than  that  of  the  last  century,  we  still 
adhere,  on  Thanksgiving  Day,'  to  one  barbarous  and  demor- 
alizing ceremony.  To  a  great  extent  the  hot  New- England 
rum  of  our  forefathers  is  banished  from  our  dinner-tables, 
but  the  no  less  deadly  and  demoralizing  pie  forms  part  of 
every  Thanksgiving  dinner,  no  matter  how  moral  and  intel- 
ligent its  consumers  may  believe  themselves  to  be. 

The  Thanksgiving  array  of  pie  is  usually  of  so  varied,  as 


THANKSGIVING  PIE.  I^r 

well  as  lavish  a  nature,  that  it  seems  cunningly  devised  to 
entrap  even  the  most  innocent  palate.  If  mince-pie  alone 
were  set  before  a  virtuous  family,  it  is  quite  probable  that 
many  of  its  members  would  have  the  courage  to  turn  in 
loathing  from  the  deadly  compound,  but  the  Thanksgiving 
mince-pie  is  always  accompanied  or  preceded  by  lighter 
pies,  in  which  weak-minded  persons  think  they  can  indulge 
without  injury.  The  thoughtless  matron — for  thoughtless- 
ness, and  not  deliberate  wickedness,  is  indicated  by  the 
presence  of  Thanksgiving  pie — urges  her  guests  to  take  a 
little  chicken-pie,  assuring  them  that  it  cannot  injure  a 
child.  The  guest  who  tampers  with  the  chicken-pie  is  in- 
evitably lost.  The  chicken-pie  crust  awakens  an  unholy 
hunger  for  fiercer  viands,  and  when  the  meats  are  removed, 
he  is  ready  and  anxious  for  andiluted  apple  or  pumpkin 
pie.  From  that  to  mince-pie  the  transition  is  swift  and 
easy,  and  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten  the  man  who  attends  a 
Thanksgiving  dinner  and  is  lured  into  touching  chicken- 
pie  abandons  all  self-restraint  and  delivers  himself  up  to 
the  thraldom  of  a  fierce  longing  for  strong  and  undisguised 
mince-pie.  Hundreds  of  men  and  women  who  had  eman- 
cipated themselves  by  a  tremendous  effort  of  the  will  from 
the  dominion  of  pie,  have  backslidden  at  the  Thanksgiving 
dinner,  and  have  returned  to  their  former  degradation  with 
a  fiercer  appetite  than  ever,  and  with  little  hope  that  they 
can  find  sufficient  strength  for  a  second  effort  towards  refor- 
mation. 

The  chief  evil  of  the  Thanksgiving  display  of  pie  is, 
however,  its  terrible  influence  upon  the  young.  It  is  a  well- 
known  fact,  however  revolting  it  may  seem  when  rehearsed 
in  cold  blood,  that  on  Thanksgiving  Day  many  a  foolish 
mother  has  herself  pressed  pie  to  the  lips  of  her  innocent 
offspring.  To  the  taste  thus  created  thousands  of  victims 
of  the  pie  habit  ascribe  their  ruin.  It  is  a  common  specta- 
cle on  Thanksgiving  evening  to  see  scores  of  children,  mere 
babes  in  years,  writhing  under  the  influence  of  pie,  and 
making  the  night  hideous  with  their  outcries.  Physicians 
can  testify  to  the  appalling  results  of  the  pie  orgies  in 
which  children  are  thus  openly  encouraged  to  take  part. 
The  amount  of  drugs  which  is  consumed  bv  the  unhappy 


J  .  5  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

little  victims  on  the  day  following  Thanksgiving  Day  would 
fill  the  public  with  horror  were  the  exact  figures  to  be  pub- 
lished. How  can  we  wonder  that  children  who  are  thus 
tempted  to  acquire  the  taste  for  pie  by  their  own  parents 
grow  up  to  be  shameless  and  habitual  consumers  of  pie! 
The  good  matron  who  sees  a  haggard  and  emaciated  man 
slink  into  a  public  pie  shop,  and  presently  emei-ge  brush- 
ing the  tell-tale  crumbs  from  his  beard,  shudders  to  think 
that  the  unhappy  wretch  was  once  as  young  and  innocent 
as  her  own  darling  children.  And  yet  that  very  matron 
will  sit  at  the  foot  of  a  Thanksgiving  table  groaning  with 
'pie,  and  will  deal  out  the  deadly  compound  to  her  children 
without  a  thought  that  she  is'awakening  in  them  a  depraved 
hunger  that  will  ultimately  lead  them  straight  to  the  pie 
shop. 

All  the  efforts  of  good  men  and  women  to  stay  the  tor- 
rent of  pie  which  threatens  to  engulf  our  beloved  country 
will  be  in  vain,  unless  the  reform  is  begun  at  the  Thanks- 
giving dinner-table.  Pie  must  be  banished  from  that  other- 
wise innocent  board,  or  it  is  in  vain  that  we  try  to  banish 
it  from  shops,  restaurants,  and  hotels.  May  we  not  hope 
for  a  great  moral  crusade  which  will  sweep  pie  from  every 
virtuous  table,  and  unite  all  the  friends  of  morality  in  a 
vigorous  and  persistent  attack  upon  the  great  evil  of  the 
land. 


STAR-TRAPS. 

It  is  yet  fresh  in  public  recollection  that  M.  Leverrier 
announced  for  production  on  a  certain  night  in  October 
last  a  transit  of  the  new  planet  Vulcan  across  the  sun  ; 
and  that  for  causes  which  have  not  yet  been  explained  the 
management  failed  to  keep  its  promise,  thus  shamefully 
insulting  all  lovers  of  astronomy.  Ever  since  that  date 
there  has  been  an  active  discussion  among  astronomers  as 
to  the  existence  of  Vulcan,  some  firmly  believing  Vulcan  to 
be  a  regular  professional  planet,  although  he  failed  to  make 
a  transit  at  the  proper  time;  and  others  insisting  that  there 


STAR-TRAPS. 


57 


is  no  such  planet  as  Vulcan,  and  that  he  was  wickedly  in- 
vented by  M.  Leverrier  for  occult  and  ulterior  purposes. 
Amateur  astronomers,  however,  profess  to  have  recently 
seen  Vulcan  to  a  prodigal  extent,  and  every  few  days  some 
enthusiastic  rural  person  who  is  in  the  habit  of  studying  the 
celestial  heavens  and  his  neighbor's  back-windows  through 
an  opera-glass  writes  a  letter  to  his  favorite  newspaper, 
pretending  that  he  has  actually  seen  Vulcan,  when,  in  all 
probability  he  has  seen  nothing  more  remarkable  than  a 
bald-headed  old  gentleman  in  the  act  of  drawing  down  his 
bedroom  curtains. 

Now,  the  failure  of  the  promised  transit  of  Vulcan,  the 
doubts  as  to  his  existence,  and  the  reckless  astronomical 
observations  of  inquisitive  amateurs,  are  matters  of  com- 
paratively little  importance.  There  is,  however,  one  very 
grave  consequence  which  has  resulted  from  M.  Leverrier's 
broken  promise,  and  which  illustrates  the  malign  and  far- 
reaching  influence  of  a  single  dishonest  and  mendacious 
act.  Heretofore  the  astronomer  has  pursued  his  celestial 
game  with  as  much  spirit  and  boldness  as  though  he  were 
Bootes  himself,  with  his  eager  hunting-dogs  "  in  their 
leash  of  sidereal  fire."  The  men  who  have  the  greatest 
distinction  as  star-hunters  have  swept  the  heavens,  tele- 
scope in  hand,  and  have  depended  for  success  upon  their 
steady  aim,  the  excellence  of  their  weapons,  and  their  famil- 
iarity with  the  habits  and  lurking-places  of  timid  planets. 
When  such  men  captured  a  new  star,  it  was  a  fact  of  which 
they  had  a  right  to  be  proud.  When  Prof.  Peters,  after  a 
long  night's  sport,  returned  to  his  home,  and  sat  down  to 
the  breakfast-table  in  his  astronomical  clothes,  and  the 
glow  of  healthful  excitement  on  his  cheek,  he  would 
modestly  answer  the  inquiry  of  Mrs.  Peters,  "  What  luck, 
my  dear  ?  "  with  the  cheerful  reply  :  "  Three  asteroids,  two 
Neptunian  satellites,  and  a  fine  large  nebula."  It  is  no 
wonder  that  even  the  servants  admired  the  skill  and 
prowess  of  so  successful  a  sportsman  ;  and  if  at  times  men 
like  Prof.  Peters  and  his  comrades  seemed  to  forget,  in 
their  passion  for  star-hunting,  the  more  prosaic  duties  of 
astronomy,  we  can  easily  pardon  them.  Their  methods 
were  those  of  true,  chivalrous  sportsmen,  and  they  would 


1^8  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

have  disdained  to  snare  a  planet  by  the  tricky  means  em- 
ployed by  Leverrier  and  Adams  for  the  capture  of  Neptune, 
as  much  as  they  would  to  have  hunted  asteriods  out  of  sea- 
son, or  to  have  wasted  their  time  with  shooting  stars  and 
such  like  sidereal  vermin. 

But  now  we  are  told  that  a  soulless,  pot-hunting  person, 
who  pretends  to  call  himself  an  astronomer,  has  been  led, 
by  his  desire  to  settle  the  question  of  Vulcan's  existence, 
to  invent  a  planet-trap,  which,  if  it  should  come  into  gen- 
eral use,  would  speedily  capture  every  star  not  yet  in  the 
catalogue.  The  new  trap  consists  of  a  photographic 
camera,  provided  with  clock-work  and  other  devilish  devices. 
This  is  set  at  night-fall  in  some  secluded  spot,  and  left  to 
accomplish  its  infamous  and  unsportsmanlike  purpose.  A 
timid  asteroid  notices  the  light  reflected  from  the  trap,  and 
thoughtlessly  peeps  into  the  camera.  Instantaneously  its 
likeness  is  taken,  the  negative  glides  from  its  place,  a  fresh 
plate  advances  into  position,  and  the  trap  is  again  ready 
for  action.  The  inventor  intends  to  bait  this  trap  especial- 
ly with  reference  to  the  capture  of  Vulcan  ;  but  he  asserts 
that  after  leaving  it  set  for  a  single  night,  he  will  find  in 
the  morning  photographs  of  every  star  which  has  ventured 
near  it  during  the  night. 

There  is,  unfortunately,  no  reason  to  doubt  that  the 
trap  will  do  all  that  its  inventor  claims.  It  will  prove  a 
species  of  sidereal  pound-net  which  will  capture  indiscrim- 
inately everything  which  comes  in  its  way.  The  full-grown 
planet,  the  feeble  asteroid,  the  fierce  comet,  the  worthless 
aerolite,  and  the  valuable  fixed  star  will  be  photographed 
with  equal  promptitude  andcertaint}^  It  is  true  that  the 
midnight  mosquito  and  the  wandering  cat  will  occasionally 
intrude  into  the  camera,  and  be  mistaken  for  curious 
nebulae  or  exceptionally  brilliant  comets,  but  though  the 
pot-hunting  astronomer  may  thus  be  made  ridiculous  in 
the  eyes  of  discriminating  men,  he  will  nevertheless  con- 
tinue to  gather  in  his  miscellaneous  game,  and  thus  render 
the  efforts  of  the  legitimate  sportsman  utterly  fruitless. 

Of  course,  there  are  hundreds  of^incompetent  astrono- 
mers— men  who  cannot  hit  a  full  mqon  with  the  best  tele- 
scope  in   existence — who  will  eagerly'  provide  themselve:^ 


SOL  FED  A  T  LAST. 


159 


with  traps,  and  fancy  that  they  are  the  worthy  rivals  of 
Peters  and  Olbers.  We  know  how  the  analogous  practice 
of  pound-net  fishing  has  exterminated  the  game  fish  of  our 
rivers,  and  driven  the  fly-fisher  to  the  remote  regions  of 
Maine  and  Canada.  A  like  result  will  follow  the  introduc- 
tion of  star-trapping,  and  the  ardent  sportsman  will  have  to 
carry  his  telescope  to  China  or  Australia,  if  he  hopes  to 
have  any  legitimate  sport.  The  only  remedy  is  to  fight 
trap-hunters  at  once,  and  before  it  is  too  late.  If  Prof. 
Peters  wishes  to  uphold  the  dignity  of  telescopic  hunting, 
let  him  petition  the  legislature  for  the  appointment  of  an 
astronomical  commission,  with  power  to  prevent  the  intro- 
duction of  star-traps,  and  preserve  the  celestial  game  fiom 
extermination.  If  this  is  not  done,  star-traps  will  be  set 
on  the  roof  of  every  house,  and  the  time  will  soon  come 
wdien  Prof.  Peters  will  be  compelled  to  lay  aside  his  rusty 
telescope,  and  mourn  over  the  total  extermination  of  the 
game  that  he  now  so  gallantly  pursues. 


SOLVED  AT  LAST. 

The  mysterious  mound-builders  of  the  Mississippi  Valley 
have  been  a  source  of  much  solid  satisfaction  to  patriotic 
Americans.  It  is  true  that  we  knew  nothing  whatever 
about  the  mound-builders,  but  neither,  for  that  matter,  did 
any  one  else  ;  and  it  was  quite  certain  that  when  we  boldly 
asserted  that  they  were  a  prehistoric  race  there  was  no 
danger  that  any  European  antiquarian  would  disprove  the 
assertion.  But  now  comes  a  learned  western  professor  and 
ruthlessly  snatches  from  us  our  only  antiquities.  He  tells 
us  that  the  mounds  were  built  only  four  hundred  years  ago, 
and  that  the  builders,  instead  of  being  a  prehistoric  race, 
were  merely  ordinary  Mexicans. 

The  professor  bases  his  assertion  of  the  identity  of  the 
Mexicans  and  the  mound-builders  upon  two  remarkable 
facts.  In  the  mounds  are  found  pieces  of  volcanic  glass — 
such  glass  as  is  found  in  Mexico  ; — and  Cortez,  when  he 
invaded  the  latter  country,  found  copper  tools  made  of  a 


l6c  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

variety  of  metal  which  he  instantly  recognized  as  coming 
from  the  Lake  Superior  copper  mines.  The  inference  to 
be  drawn  from  these  facts  is  evident.  Whenever  a  Mexi- 
can wanted  a  trifle  of  copper,  he  simply  went  to  Lake 
Superior  and  got  it.  As  the  journey  was  a  rather  long  one, 
he  naturally  filled  his  pockets  before  starting  with  pieces  of 
volcaniG  glass,  a  very  little  of  which,  when  used  as  an  article 
of  food,  goes  a  long  way  ;  and  as  the  road  was  somewhat  in- 
festednvidi  Indians  and  wild  beasts,  he  wisely  threw  up  a 
mound  or  two  as  a  breastwork  wherever  he  encamped  for 
a  night.  Of  course,  he  occasionally  dropped  a  few  bits  of 
unusually  tough  glass,  when  breakfasting  in  camp,  and 
hence  we  find  glass  and  mounds  in  close  proximity  to  one 
another.  The  desire  for  copper  was  then  probably  very 
2:eneral  among  the  Mexicans,  just  as  the  desire  for  Texan 
cattle  is  in  our  ,day.  Thus  a  large  number  of  Mexicans 
doubtless  stepped  over  to  Lake  Superior  in  leisure  mo- 
ments for  a  pound  or  two  of  copper,  and  these  frequent 
journeys  fully  account  in  the  professor's  mind  for  the  fre- 
quency of  mounds  in  the  Mississippi  Valley,  and  the  abun- 
dance of  copper  in  Mexico  at  the  time  of  Cortez'  invasion. 
When  Mexico  was  conquered  by  the  Spaniards,  copper 
probably  went  out  of  fashion.  At  all  events,  the  Mexicans 
no  longer  went  to  Lake  Superior  in  search  of  it,  and  their 
neglected  camps  crumbled  into  shapeless  and  meaningless 
mounds. 

The  only  thing  which  could  possibly  reconcile  us  to  the 
destruction  of  our  cherished  prehistoric  mound-builders  is 
the  ingenuity  and  clearness  of  this  demonstration  that  the 
real  mound-builders  were  stray  Mexicans.  There  are  dull 
persons  who  might  easily  h^ve  misinterpreted  the  above- 
mentioned  facts  as  to  copper  and  volcanic  glass,  and  held 
them  to  mean  that  the  mound-builders  were  an  independent 
race  of  people  who  went  to  Mexico  occasionally  to  lay  in 
tlieir  winter  glass,  and  paid  for  it  in  copper.  The  pro- 
fessor's interpretation,  however,  is  much  more  satisfactory 
and  interesting.  He  ought  to  have  carried  his  theory  still 
further,  and  proved  that  the  Egyptians  were  merely  Mexi- 
cans who  travelled  a  little  further  than  the  mound-builders. 
Copper  tools  are  found  in  Eg}^pt  as  well  as  in  Mexico,  and 


BO  YTOiV 'S  MISTAKES.  1 6 1 

the  people  of  both  countries  were  apparently  equally  fond 
of  pyramids.  If  we  assume  that  whenever  it  occurred  to  a 
Mexican  that  a  pyramid  would  look  well  in  his  front  yard 
he  went  over  to  Egypt  and  selected  one — dropping,  it  may 
be,  an  occasional  copper  tool  out  of  his  coat  pocket  as  he 
stooped  to  thoroughly  examine  the  interior  of  his  chosen 
pyramid — we  need  have  no  further  doubt  that  the  Egyptians 
and  Mexicans  were  the  same  people.  In  fact,  if  we  adopt 
the  professor's  apparent  axiom  that  the  finding  of  the  same 
article  in  two  countries  proves  that  the  inhabitaTits  of  each 
belonged  to  the  same  race,  the  science  of  ethnology  will  be 
greatly  simplified.  We  can  consider  that  we  are  all  China- 
men because  we  drink  tea,  and  that  Bafnum  is  an  Esqui- 
maux because  he  associates  with  a  Polar  bear.  Perhaps 
the  discovery  of  this  great  scientific  axiom  is  worth  more 
than  the  fondly-cherished  belief  in  the  antiquity  of  our 
mounds.  After  all,  we  need  not  tell  our  foreign  visitors 
that  the  mound  mystery  has  been  finally  solved.  When 
they  ask  to  see  some  relics  of  the  mound-lDuilders'  work,  we 
can  show  them  certain  marvellous  specimens  of  architecture 
in  New  York.  They  will  never  detect  our  patriotic  fraud, 
nor  fancy  it  possible  that  intelligent  beings  of  the  nine- 
teenth  century  reared  such  monstrous  and  misshapen  piles. 
Thus  shall  we  satisfy  their  desire  for  the  marvellous,  and 
send  them  home  prepared  to  write  volumes  of  learned 
essays  upon  the  "  Probable  Purpose  and  Possible  Builders 
of  the  Court  Houses  and  Post  Offices  of  the  New  World." 


BOYTON'S  MISTAKES. 

Capt.  Paul  Boyton  is  still  cruising  in  European  waters. 
Not  very  long  ago  he  spent  eighty-three  consecutive  hours 
in  the  river  Po  ;  since  then  he  has  floated  down  the  Arno  ; 
and  recently  he  descended  the  Tiber.  Of  course,  if  he 
likes  this  st}de  of  yachting,  it  is  his  own  concern,  but  to 
most  men  it  is  painful  to  see  an  alleged  fellow-being  wast- 
ing so  much  time  and  energy  by  stubbornly  clinging  to  ob- 
solete methods  of  navigation.    Every  one  knows  that  Capt. 


1 6  2  SIX  Til  COL  UMN  FANCIES . 

Boyton  wears  a  life-preserving  dress,  in  which  he  floats  on 
his  back  on  water,  and  propels  himself  either  with  a  paddle 
or  a  small  sail.  It  is  difficult  to  see  how  he  can  find  much 
pleasure  in  this  pursuit.  He  is  in  no  danger  of  sinking 
unless  he  knocks  a  hole  in  himself  by  running  on  a  sharp 
reef,  but  he  is  compelled  to  remain  in  a  tedious  and  uncom- 
fortable position.  If  he  were  able  to  go  on  deck,  so  to 
speak,  and  stretch  his  legs  by  walking  up  and  down  his 
abdomen,  or  if  he  could  go  aloft  and  scan  the  horizon  from 
the  lofty  elevation  of  his  nose,  the  wearisome  sameness  of 
his  voyages  would  be  to  some  extent  broken  up.  Owing 
to  the  way  in  which  he  is  constructed,  these  recreations  are 
impossible,  and  he  can  only  vary  the  monotony  of  paddling 
head  first  by  occasionally  backing  astern  and  slowly  forcing 
his  blunt  boots  through  the  water. 

These'  inconveniences  are,  however,  unavoidable,  so 
long  as  Capt.  Boyton  persists  in  converting  himself  into  a 
sea-going  vessel.  Where  he  is  at  fault  is  in  his  stubborn 
refusal  to  avail  himself  of  modern  improvements  in  the  art 
of  propulsion.  Whether  we  regard  him  as  a  sailing  or  a 
paddling  craft,  he  is  equally  behind  the  age,  and  he  has 
even  failed  to  adopt  the  most  efficient  means  of  securing 
speed  and  weatherly  qualities  when  unde-r  sail.  He  made 
a  grave  mistake  when  he  had  himself  cat-rigged  instead  of 
cutter-rigged.  He  carries  but  one  sail,  and  when  he  is  run- 
ning before  a  fresh  breeze  and  rolling  heavily — as  he  inevi- 
tably must,  in  consequence  of  his  depth  of  hold  and  the 
dead  w-eight  of  his  skirt  pockets — he  is  very  apt  to  roll  the 
extremity  of  his  boom  under,  and  thus  incur  the  risk  of  a 
capsize.  Had  he  adopted  the  cutter-rig,  he  could  have 
safely  scudded  before  a  gale  of  wind  under  his  foresail 
alone,  his  mainsail  being  snugly  stowed  and  his  top  mast 
housed.  A  graver  mistake,  however,  was  his  failure  to  pro- 
vide himself  with  a  centre-board,  or  even  a  temporary  false 
keel.  Owing  to  this  unaccountable  omission,  he  cannot 
beat  to  windward,  and  he  makes  an  enormous  amount  of 
lee-way  when  sailing  with  a  beam  wind.  Hence,  unless  he 
has  the  wind  directly  astern  or  on  his  quarter,  his  sail  is 
worse  than  useless.  It  is  idle  to  say  that  this  is  the  fault 
of  his  model.     His  model  is  well  enough,  thouiih  he  was 


BOYTON'S  MISTAKES,  i6^ 

evidently  not  designed  for  speed,  but  no  light-draught  man 
without  either  keel  or  centre-board  can  go  to  windward. 
For  Capt.  Boyton  to  claw  oif  a  lee-shore  under  sail  would 
be  an  absolute  impossibility,  and  if  ever  he  finds  himself  in 
such  a  situation,  and  his  paddle  breaks  down,  he  may  make 
up  his  mind  that  he  will  have  to  abandon  himself  to  his 
underwriters  and  claim  a  total  loss. 

D-Ribtless,  Capt.  Boyton's  friends  will  assert  that  his 
sail  is  intended  to  be  used  only  as  an  auxiliary  to  his  pad- 
dle, or  as  a  final  resort  in  case  of  any  accident  to  the  latter, 
and  that  in  this  respect  he  resembles  the  old-fashioned  pad- 
dle-wheel steamers.  But  by  what  possible  course  of  reason- 
ing can  either  they  or  Capt.  Boyton  justify  this  imitation  of 
an  obsolete  model.?  It  is  impossible  that  Capt.  Boyton 
does  not  know  that  the  screw  has  completely  driven  out  the 
paddle.  It  is  true  that  he  has  the  legal  right  to  adopt  any 
propelling  machinery  that  he  may  fancy,  but  when  he  exhib- 
its himself  to  the  Europeans  as  the  latest  specimen  of  Ameri- 
can marine  architecture,  he  has  no  right  to  produce  the 
impression  that  we  are  ignorant  of  the  screw.  It  is  possi- 
ble that  he  may  be  in  some  way  connected  with  the  Pacific 
IMail  Steamship  Company,  which,  a  few  years  ago,  built  a 
number  of  large  paddle-wheel  ships  for  the  Pacific  trade, 
long  after  the  superior  speed  and  economy  of  screw  propel- 
lers had  been  demonstrated.  Still,  this  would  not  be  a 
sufficient  excuse  for  his  worse  than  folly,  and  the  only  way 
in  which  his  conduct  can  be  explained  is  upon  the  almost 
incredible  hypothesis  that  he  is  ignorant  of  the 'screw. 

Had  this  man  fitted  himself  with  a  light  three-bladed 
screw,  driven  by  a  small  engine,  using  alcohol  or  petroleum 
instead  of  coal,  he  would  have  reflected  some  credit  upon 
our  ship-builders.  He  would  have  secured  a  much  higher 
rate  of  speed  than  he  can  now  command,  and  avoided  -the 
immense  consumption  of  tissue  which'the  steady  use  of  the 
paddle  requires.  By  dispensing  with  the  cumbrous  paddle, 
he  would  have  had  plenty  of  room  for  carrying  fuel  and 
fresh  water,  besides  an  additional  quantity  of  freight.  Of 
course,  his  machinery  should  have  been  of  the  simplest 
character,  and  as  light  as  would  have  been  consistent  with 
strength,  but  there  is  no  doubt  that  if  he  had  gone  to  some 


1 64  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  A^CIES. 

prominent  English  or  Scotch  engine-builder  he  could  have 
had  lioht  and  powerful  machinery  put  into  him  at  much 
less  cost  than  his  continued  use  of  the  paddle  has  involved. 

In  addition  to  these  grave  defects,  it  is  generally  con- 
ceded that  Captain  Boyton's  interior  arrangements  are 
wretchedly  unsatisfactory.  He  is  so  badly  ventilated  that 
after  a  vovage  of  a  few  hours'  duration  he  is  entirely  pros- 
trated witii  excessive  heat.  He  has  never  been  coppered 
since  he  was  first  launched,  and  has  hence  been  obliged  to 
^o  on  Ihe  dry-dock  at  frequent  interv^als  in  order  to  be 
thorouo:hlv  scrubbed.  It  may  be  granted  that  he  is  per- 
fectlv  tight,  and  has  never  yet  leaked  a  drop,  but  it  is  not 
certain  that  this  is  an  advantage.  A  very  slight  leak,  which 
would  require  him  to  use  his  pumps  for  ten  or  fifteen  min- 
utes every  day,  would  not  injure  his  cargo,  but  would  tend 
to  preserve  the  wood  in  the  neighborhood  of  his  keelson, 
and  to  keep  his  joints  and  butts  swelled. 

These  criticisms  are  made,  not  in  any  spirit  of  hostility 
to  Capt.  Boyton,  who  is  probably  stanch  and  seaworthy. 
When,  however,  he  enters  a  foreign  port  with  the  American 
flag  at  his  peak,  and  throws  himself  open  for  inspection  as 
a  specimen  of  what  American  builders  can  do,  we  have  a 
ri'dit  to  demand  that  he  should  reflect  credit  upon  his 
countrymen.  Let  him  make  the  changes  in  his  rig,  ma- 
chinery, and  general  fitting  up  which  have  been  suggested, 
and  we  will  then  be  able  to  feel  proud  of  him.  Until  he 
does  this  he  may  be  very  sure  that  although  he  may  astonish 
Frenchmen  and  other  landsmen,  no  American  s'ailor  or 
ship-builder  can  look  upon  him  with  any  real  complacency. 


GHOSTLY   MALIGNITY. 

When  a  woman  becomes  thoroughly  depraved  she  is 
generally  held  to  be  proportionally  worse  than  a  depraved 
man.  This  rule  seems  also  to  hold  good  in  the  shadowy 
world  of  ghosts.  The  male  ghost  is  usually  a  preposterous 
idiot,  but  he  is  rarely  vicious,  whereas  the  female  ghost  dis- 
plays a  cunning  malevolence  which  cannot  be  too  heartily 


GHOS  TL  V  MALIGmTY.  165 

reprobated.  A  single  illustration  will  show  the  difference 
in  disposition  between  the  two  ghostly  sexes.  There  is 
nothing  which  is  more  revolting  to  a  sensitive  ghost  than 
the  sharp,  flat-headed  tacks  known  to  artists  "as  "  drawing 
tacks."  When  one  of  these  tacks  is  tossed  on  the  stage 
where  materialized  ghosts  disport  themselves,  it  invariably 
remains  with  its  point  upward.  It  may  readily  be  conceived 
that  an  unsuspecting  barefooted  ghost  who  treads  heavily 
on  such  a  treacherous  and  penetrating  tack  would  have  a 
right  to  manifest  a  hearty  and  violent  indignation.  Indeed, 
almost  any  amount  of  language  on  the  part  of  the  injured 
ghost  would  be  pardoned  by  all  humane  men.  But  what 
did  the  ghost  of  Daniel  Webster  do  when  he  recently  tried 
to  walk  over  a  stage  strewn  with  drawing  tacks,  during  a 
"  materializing  se'ance  "  in  a  Wisconsin  town  ?  When  the 
first  tack  entered  that  respectable  ghost's  right  foot  he  calmly 
lifted  up  his  injured  limb  and  undertook  to  withdraw  the 
intrusive  bit  of  steel.  It  was  not  until,  in  his  efforts  to 
balance  himself  on  one  leg,  he  ran  another  tack  in  his  left 
foot  that  he  broke  silence  by  softly  remarking  "  ouch,"  and 
it  is  doubtful  if  he  would  have  repeated  that  statement  or 
ventured  upon  any  other  had  he  not  incautiously  sat  down 
and  thus  inserted  two  more  tacks  into  his  person.  In  these 
circumstances  he  might  have  totally  lost  his  temper,  and 
no  man  could  have  had  a  word  of  blame  for  him  ;  but 
instead  of  letting  his  ghostly  passions  rise  he  merely  ex- 
pressed his  views  of  the  matter  by  the  simple  and  touching 
remark:  "Well!  by  gosh!"  and  hurriedly  withdrew  into 
the  mystic  cabinet.  The  *other  world  may  be  safely  chal- 
lenged to  produce  a  single  female  ghost  that,  in  like  trying 
circumstances,  w^ould  have  abstained  from  shrieking  loudly 
and  denouncing  the  anonymous  tack-distributer  as  a  fiend 
of  more  miscellaneous  and  objectionable  atrocity  than  any 
of  the  leading  fiends  of  the  warmer  world. 

Not  only  is  the  female  ghost  addicted  to  losing  her 
temper  upon  due  provocation,  but  she  often  wantonly 
annoys  persons  to  whom  she  is  a  total  stranger,  and  who 
have  not  sought  her  acquaintance.  The  little  town  of 
Bethel,  in  Ohio,  was  recently  made  aware  of  this  fact  in  a 
very  startling  and  vexatious   way.     Precisely  at  12  o'clock 


1 66  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

on  a  warm  September  night,  a  ghostly  lady,  dressed  ex 
clusively  in  white,  and  riding  on  a  white  horse  without 
saddle  or  bridle,  made  her  appearance  en  the  main  street 
of  Bethel.  Whence  she  came  no  man  knew,  but,  in  the 
language  of  the  local  reporter,  '*  she  arose,  as  it  were,  from 
the  ground."  Her  horse  paced  slowly  down  the  street, 
pausing  in  front  of  each  house,  as  though  he  still  retained 
an  active  interest  in  earthly  garbage.  At  every  pause  the 
w^eird  lady  sang  songs,  the  mere  hearing  of  which  had  a 
tendency  to  loosen  the  back  teeth  of  the  strongest  man  ; 
and  in  a  short  time  the  street  was  filled  with  astonished 
and  maddened  citizens,  who  swarmed  about  the  implacable 
singer.  Nothing  could  induce  her  to  stop,  for  not  only  was. 
she  deaf  to  all  entreaties,  but  she  and  her  horse  were  in- 
tangible to  mortal  hands  and  weapons.  Those  who  smote 
the  horse  with  clubs  found  that  they  were  beating  the  air, 
and  those  who  sought  to  drag  him  by  the  ears  clutched 
nothing  more  substantial  than  vapor.  The  constable  who 
tried  to  seize  the  ghostly  singer's  arm  stumbled  and  fell 
directly  through  the  body  of  her  delusive  horse,  and  the 
missiles  that  indignant  householders  hurled  from  the  win- 
dows passed  through  her  head  or  bosom  and  splintered 
themselves  upon  the  upturned  foreheads  of  the  dissatisfied 
spectators  below.  Until  daw^n  this  phenomenal  singer 
continued  to  torture  the  ears  of  the  helpless  Bethelites,  and 
as  each  one  of  her  songs  contained  at  least  eighteen  separate 
verses,  all  of  which  were  totally  unintelligible,  she  was  even 
more  oppressive  than  a  rural  choir  in  the  act  of  singing  a 
cantata.  When  daylight  began  to  show  itself  the  ghost  and 
her  horse  vanished,  sinking,  "  as  it  were,  into  the  ground," 
and  disdaining  to  give  the  slightest  explanation  of  her 
atrocious  conduct. 

Now,  it  will  scarcely  be  denied  that  there  are  few 
offences  more  atrocious  than  the  nocturnal  singing  of  un- 
solicited and  unmelodious  persons.  Still  more  atrocious  is 
the  act  when  it  is  perpetrated  by  a  shrill  female  ghost  whose 
voice  has  suffered  from  exposure  to  midnight  air  and  the 
extreme  cold  of  the  inter-stellar  spaces.  It  is  bad  enough 
to  be  waked  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night  by  a  belated 
statesman  recalling  in  lugubrious  strains   the  happy  days 


FOUND  AT  LAST.  167 

"when  Teddy  joined  the  gang  ;  "  but  it  is  far  worse  to  be 
wakened  by  a  female  ghost  chanting  the  music  of  the 
future,  and  utterly  impervious  to  the  Heaviest  and  best-aimed 
crockery.  Of  course,  there  are  those  who  will  claim  that 
the  Bethel  ghost  sinned  through  ignorance  rather  than 
malevolence,  and  that  she  really  fancied  she  was  conferring 
a  musical  boon  upon  the  Bethelites.  It  is  quite  probable 
that  he^r  earthly  parents  did  neglect  to  teach  her  how  not  to 
sing.  The  extent  to  which  American  parents  neglect  their 
duty  in  this  matter  is  appalling,  and,  as  a  consequence,  the 
country  is  full  of  young  women  who  are  in  the  confirmed 
habit  of  singing,  but  who  might  easily  have  been  made  useful 
members  of  society  had  their  parents  had  the  wisdom  and 
liberality  to  hire  competent  teachers  to  instruct  them  in  the 
beautiful  art  of  never  trying  to  sing.  Even  if  we  grant  that 
the  Bethel  ghost  was  one  who  had  been  deprived  of  the 
advantages  of  unmusical  instruction  in  her  youth,  she  never- 
theless must  have  known  that  she  was  committing  an  out- 
rage in  singing  in  spite  of  the  protests  and  crockery  of  her 
midnight  victims.  Nothing  can  explain  her  conduct  except 
the  theory  that  it  was  dictated  by  sheer  malevolence.  The 
subtle  and  determined  malignity  of  her  equestrian  serenade 
is  too  obvious  to  be  questioned,  and  her  depravity  gives  us 
a  frightful  glimpse  of  the  moral  condition  of  the  female 
sex  in  a  ghostly  state. 


FOUND  AT  LAST. 

The  tailed  men  have  been  found  at  last.  Ever  since 
the  days  of  Herodotus  there  have  been  people  who  believed 
in  the  existence  of  a  nation  decorated  with  tails,  although 
no  traveller  ever  succeeded  in  penetrating  into  their  country. 
This  want  of  success  was  due  to  the  vague  and  wandering 
character  of  that  country.  At  one  period  it  was  popularly 
supposed  to  be  in  the  region  of  the  frozen  ocean ;  at 
another  it  was  confidently  located  in  China,  and  during  the 
last  century  the  tailed  men  were  believed  to  reside  in  the 
heart  of  Africa,     Just  as  soon  as  an  explorer  reached  their 


J  68  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

alleged  country,  they  silently  flitted  away  to  some  more 
distant  land,  and  thus  uniformly  succeeded  in  eluding  all 
pursuit,  and  in  preserving  their  privacy  unimpaired. 

At  last,  however,  a  Wesleyan  missionary  who  has  been 
engaged  in  a  professional  tour  through  the  South  Sea 
Islands  has  run  the  tailed  men  to  the  earth  on  the  Island 
of  New  Ireland.  He  found  that  they  corresponded  closely 
to  the  descriptions  given  of  them  by  imaginative  travellers. 
They  were,  of  course,  a  savage  race,  inhabiting  dark  and 
difficult  forests,  but  they  kept  up  the  good  old  custom  of 
their  forefathers  by  piercing  small  holes  in  their  arm-chairs 
and  piano-stools  for  the  accommodation  of  their  tails. 
These  tails  are  described  as  being  not  more  than  from 
three  to  four  inches  in  length,  and  are  hence  of  little  use  in 
point  of  flies.  Still  that  they  are  true — not  to  say  ower 
true — tails,  no  anatomist  can  honestly  deny,  and  we  are 
thus  compelled  to  admit  that  the  venerable  legend  of  the 
tailed  nation  has  a  substantial  basis  of  fact. 

It  will  not  do  for  skeptics  to  assert  that  these  tailed 
men  are  nothing  more  than  a  new  species  of  ape.  Their 
humanity  is  conclusively  proved  even  by  the  few  facts  that 
we  know  about  them.  Do  apes  carry  about  with  them 
camp-chairs  with  perforated  seats  ?  Do  apes  distil  illicit 
whiskey,  and  beat  their  wives  with  real  clubs  t  Do  apes 
practice  tobacco-smoking  as  a  profession,  and  compel  their 
females  to  cut  kindling  wood  and  carry  in  all  the  coal  ? 
That  these  are  among  the  habits  of  the  tailed  men  is  an 
unanswerable  proof  that  they  have  risen  above  the  plane  of 
the  brute,  and  developed  the  most  characteristic  attributes 
of  man.  No  doubt  they  are  the  connecting  link  between 
apes  and  men,  but  only  blind  prejudice  can  ignore  their 
essential  humanity,  and  class  them  with  the  orang-outang 
or  the  gorilla. 

It  was  the  opinion  of  Lord  Monboddo  that  originally 
all  men  possessed  tails,  but  that  they  gradually  wore  them 
off  by  persistently  sitting  on  hard  substances,  such  as  the 
rural  district-school  bench.  The  new  discovery  shows  the 
soundness  of  Lord  Monboddo's  judgment.  Why  is  it  that 
one  race  of  people  alone  has  preserved  the  primeval  tail  1 
Evidentlv  because  they  have  cherished  it  with  the  utmost 


FOUND  AT  LAST. 


169 


care,  and  designed  their  household  furniture  with  a  constant 
aim  to  its  accommodation.  Had  our  immediate  ancestors 
used  perforated  chairs,  and  steadfastly  refused  to  sit  down 
upon  anything  else,  Lord  Monboddo  would  never  have  had 
occasion  to  trace  the  decline  and  final  falling  off  of  the 
luxuriant  tails  of  prehistoric  times. 

Now  that  it  is  demonstrated  that  tailed  men  are  not  the 
idle  dream  of  the  poet's  dainty  fancy,  it  is  not  impossible 
that  unexpected  revelations  of  the  existence  of  contempo- 
rary tails  may  be  made  by  bold  and  honest  scientific  men. 
It  has  been  frequently  suggested  that  Lord  Monboddo 
wrote  with  a  degree  of  earnestness  only  to  be  fully  account- 
ed for  upon  the  hypothesis  that  he  was  writing  of  matters 
within  his  own  personal  knowledge.  If  w^e  can  imagine  a 
man  secretly  possessed  of  a  tail,  and  writhing  under  the 
belief  that  he  was  in  that  respect  a  lusus  naturcE,  we  can 
understand  why  he  should  write  a  book  to  prove  that  the 
tail  is  a  proper  attribute  of  humanity.  If  such  was  Lord 
Monboddo's  condition,  he  might  naturally  have  become  a 
sort  of  reversed  fox,  anxious  to  impress  upon  his  fellows 
that  tails  should  be  worn  by  all  intelligent  and  cultivated 
men.  If  he  really  had  a  tail,  his  conduct  is  easily  explica- 
ble, and  the  intense  earnestness  with  which  he  wrote  is 
seen  to  be  entirely  natural  and  appropriate. 

A  similar  train  of  reasoning  explains  the  ardor  with 
which  the  Darwinian  hypothesis  has  been  urged  by  certain 
scientific  persons.  If  they  are  in  the  habit  of  wearing  sur- 
reptitious tails,  which  they  dare  not  openly  acknowledge, 
they  would  naturally  seek  to  educate  public  opinion  up  to 
the  point  of  recognizing  the  tail  as  a  manly  and  honorable 
appendage.  In  order  to  do  this,  their  most  efficient  plan 
would  be  to  convince  us  that  we  are  descended  from  the 
apes,  and  that  the  loss  of  our  tails  is  a  matter  to  be  regret- 
ed,  since  it  places  an  obstacle  in  the  way  of  readily  demon- 
strating  our  simian  origin.  When  every  one  should  have 
been  induced  to  adopt  this  theory,  the  time  would  be  ripe 
for  the  discovery  that  Professor  So-and-so  has  a  well-de- 
veloped three-inch  tail,  and  is  thus  entitled  to  be  regarded 
as  a  special  authority  upon  all  questions  connected  with 
the  descent  of  man. 


l^o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

It  is  by  no  means  certain  that  the  tail  is  a  rarity  in 
modern  society.  Being,  as  it  is,  under  the  ban,  no  man 
with  a  tail  would  be  willing  to  confess  its  existence.  Such 
a  peculiarity  would  admit  of  easy  concealment  among  all 
civilized  races.  It  is  a  solemn  thought  that  not  only  the 
leading  advocates  of  Darwinism,  but  even  our  best  and 
most  intimate  friends,  may  have  secret  tails.  The  world 
may  think  them  gay  and  happy,  but  the  heart  of  him  who 
has  a  concealed  tail  knows  its  own  bitterness.  For  such 
the  discovery  of  the  tailed  men  of  New  Ireland  is  the  dawn 
of  hope.  As  our  intercourse  with  this  strange  tribe  becomes 
closer,  the  prejudice  against  tails  may  vanish,  and  the  day 
of  which  Lord  Monboddo  dreamed,  and  for  which  the 
Darwinians  have  sighed — the  day  when  tails  shall  become 
the  bridge  to  social  distinction — may  arrive  even  during 
the  lifetime  of  the  present  generation. 

It  ought,  perhaps,  to  be  added,  that  the  travelling  Wes- 
leyan  missionary  has  not  actually  seen  the  tailed  people 
with  his  own  personal  eyes,  but  has  gained  his  knowledge 
of  them  from  intelligent  natives  of  the  usual  South  Sea 
pattern.  There  is  no  doubt,  however,  that  these  natives 
told  the  truth,  for  he  expressly  asserts  that  they  are  can- 
nibals. Let  us,  then,  give  him  due  credit  for  the  discovery 
of  the  tailed  nation,  and  for  whatever  beneficent  results 
may  flow  therefrom. 


SYSTEMATIC   VILLANY.    ^ 

Destructive  as  the  pie  habit  unquestionably  is,  many 
moral  and  upright  men  evince  an  apathy  as  to  the  subject 
from  which  it  is  difficult  to  arouse  them.  They  cannot 
help  noticing  that  nearly  every  block  in  the  business 
thoroughfares,  as  well  as  in  the  streets  inhabited  by  the 
poorer  classes,  has  its  pie  shop,  where  the  various  deadly 
compounds  generically  known  as  pie  are  shamelessly  ex- 
posed for  sale.  They  comprehend  perfectly  well  that  the 
legislators  of  our  country  are  virtually  controlled  by  the 
pie-sellers,  and  that  they  never  venture  to  pass  any  measures 


SYSTEMATIC  VILLANY.  171 

looking  towards  the  suppression,  or  even  the  regulation, 
of  the  pie  traffic.  They  have  seen  with  their  own  per- 
sonal eyes  the  victims  of  pie  in  the  various  stages  of  their 
moral  and  physical  degradation,  and  they  can  scarcely 
plead  ignorance  of  the  recent  census  report  which  shows 
that  in  New  York  State  alone  are  no  less  than  31,415 
habitual  and  confirmed  pie-eaters,  besides  74,021^  persons 
who  admit  that  they  eat  pie  in  what  they  call  moderation. 
Strange  as  it  may  seem,  this  terrible  array  of  facts  has 
failed  to  awaken  scores  of  virtuous  and  intelligent  men  to 
the  imperative  necessity  of  an  organized  and  determined 
resistance  to  pie  ;  but  a  new  feature  of  the  pie  traffic, 
which  has  recently  come  to  light,  is  of  so  revolting  a 
character  that  it  would  kindle  the  indignation  of  a  brass 
monkey. 

There  can  no  longer  be  any  doubt  that  there  are  cer- 
tain depraved  persons,  who  make  it  a  practice  to  seduce 
the  young  and  innocent  by  secretly  placing  pie  in  their 
hands.  The  object  of  this  atrocious  outrage  is  self- 
evident.  If  pie  is  put  into  the  hands  of  a  thoughtless 
child,  at  the  age  when  impulses  are  strong  and  the  moral 
sense  is  weak,  there  is  every  reason  to  suppose  that  the 
unhappy  child  will  develop  a  taste  for  pie  which  will  grow 
rapidly  and  surely,  and  thus  increase  the  sales  and  profits 
of  the  pie-sellers.  Of  the  extent  to  which  this  revolting 
system  of  juvenile  corruption  is  carried  the  public  has  little 
idea.  Pie  is  introduced  surreptitiously  into  boys'  boarding- 
schools  and  young  ladies'  seminaries,  where  it  is  passed 
from  hand  to  mouth  until  scores  have  felt  its  blasting  influ- 
ence.  Children  on  their  way  to  and  from  school  are  way- 
laid by  men  who  tempt  them  to  spend  their  pennies  for 
pie  ;  and  peripatetic  pie-sellers,  who  thinly  disguise  their 
business  under  the  pretext  of  apples  or  matches,  visit  the 
offices  of  lawyers,  bankers,  and  brokers,  to  seek  their  vic- 
tims among  the  office-boys,  and  to  pander  to  the  vicious 
appetites  of  depraved  clerks  and  cashiers.  Thus  a  vast 
conspiracy  for  the  secret  propagation  of  the  pie  habit 
among  the  young  is  in  constant  activity,  and  of  the  fright- 
ful success  which  attends  the  hellish  scheme  there  is  un- 
fortunatelv  no  room  for  doubt. 


172  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

At  the  same  time  a  systematic  effort  is  making  to  tempt 
the  leading  opponents  of  pie  to  disgrace  themselves  and  to 
bring  scandal  upon  the  cause.  Pie  is  anonymously  sent 
to  men  whose  whole  lives  have  been  devoted  to  fighting 
the  pie-sellers  \  and  the  wicked  senders  evidently  hope 
that  they  can  thus  awaken  the  thirst  for  pie  in  some  re- 
formed pie-eater,  and  drag  him  down  to  their  own  loath- 
some level.  Hitherto  it  is  not  known  that  any  success 
has  attended  these  efforts,  but  human  nature  is  weak,  and 
it  would  not  be  surprising  if  a  tried  and  trusted  opponent 
of  pie,  who  finds  a  seductive  pumpkin-pie  concealed  in  his 
room,  should  be  tempted  to  try  just  one  single  slice,  and 
thus  overthrow  in  a  moment  the  results  of  3^ears  of  struggle 
and  endeavor.  That  these  assertions  are  not  made  at  ran- 
dom will  clearly  appear  from  the  recital  of  the  following 
case,  the  facts  as  to  which  are  abundantly  susceptible  of 
conclusive  proof: 

A  few  days  since  a  well-known  enemy  of  the  pie  habit 
received  an  anonymous  letter,  skilfully  adapted  to  flatter 
his  vanity  and  throw  him  off  his  guard,  in  which  it  was 
mentioned  that  a  substantial  tribute  of  admiration  had 
been  sent  to  his  office  by  express.  Soon  after  the  promised 
tribute  made  its  appearance  in  the  shape  of  a  pie  of  unu- 
sually attractive  appearance.  It  was  evidently  the  intention 
of  the  senders  that  their  victim  should  receive  the  pie  in 
the  seclusion  of  his  business  office,  at  an  hour  when  hunger 
would  tempt  him  to  taste  the  deadly  compound,  and  the 
absence  of  witnesses  would  furnish  him  with  an  opportunity 
to  gratify  a  base  passion  in  secrecy.  It  so  happened,  how- 
ever, that  the  box  containing  the  pie  fell  into  the  hands  of 
a  member  of  his  family,  and  was  opened  in  the  presence  of 
the  whole  household.  Of  its  potent,  deadly  nature  there 
was  little  room  for  doubt,  but  it  was  nevertheless  subjected 
to  a  careful  abdominal  analysis  by  an  eminent  expert,  who 
pronounced  it  to  be  mince-pie  of  the  strongest  Connecticut 
brand.  Had  the  person  for  whom  it  was  destined  opened 
the  box  alone,  and  yielded  to  the  impulse  to  take  a  single 
bite,  his  usefulness  would  doubtless  have  been  ruined. 
He  would  have  been  unable  to  restrain  himself  when  once 
the  slumbering  appetite  had  been  awakened,  and  he  would 


THE   GREEK  CHRISTMAS. 


173 


have  plunged  into  a  debauch  from  which  he  would  have 
emerged  to  find  his  self-respect  and  his  reputation  among 
his  fellow-men  forever  vanished,  and  himself  the  derision 
of  pie-eaters,  and  the  contempt  of  the  very  pie-sellers  who 
had  previously  hated  and  feared  him. 

Fortunately,  in  this  case,  the  machinations  of  the  con- 
spirators were  frustrated,  but  the  incident  shows  the  dia- 
bolical persistency  and  cunning  with  which  they  press  their 
unholy  purpose.  These  subtle  secret  attempts  to  under- 
mine the  principles  of  prominent  reformers,  and  the  even 
more  revolting  efforts  to  corrupt  the  stomachs  of  innocent 
children,  are  convincing  proofs  that  the  pie-demon  must 
be  fought  with  all  the  energy  and  skill  that  we  can  muster. 
We  need  constant  agitation,  severe  legislative  enactments, 
and  unremitting  personal  effort  upon  the  part  of  every 
friend  of  mortality.  There  is  no  longer  any  room  for  neu- 
trality in  this  matter.  The  disclosure  just  made  cannot  be 
passed  over  with  indifference.  The  pie-sellers  are  active, 
aggressive,  and  utterly  unscrupulous,  and  unless  we  are 
ready  to  see  their  triumph  and  to  witness  the  awful  spec- 
tacle of  a  whole  nation  wallowing  in  the  mire  of  mince-pie, 
we  must  cast  off  our  fatal  apathy  and  make  a  determined 
stand  in  behalf  of  virtue  and  temperance  and  total  absti- 
nence from  pie  in  every  form. 


THE  GREEK  CHRISTMAS. 

Twelve  days  after  our  Christmas,  the  millions  who  ad- 
here to  the  Orthodox  Greek  Church  celebrate  their  private 
Christmas.  The  rest  of  the  Christian  world  usually  note 
the  fact  with  languid  surprise,  but  few  persons  outside  of 
the  Greek  communion  reflect  upon  the  serious  and  melan- 
choly features  of  the  day.  Who  ever  thinks  of  the  cold 
and  gloomy  feeling  of  isolation  w!iich  must  oppress  the 
youthful  Greek  on  the  6th  of  January .?  The  Western 
small-boy  has  had  his  Christmas  twelve  days  before.  His 
candy  and  colic  have  vanished,  his  drum  has  already  a  hole 


174  SIXTH  COL UMN  FANCIES. 

in  it,  and  his  tin  trumpet  has  been  violently  flattened  by 
the  exasperated  foot  of  a  father  who,  when  purchasing  that 
injudicious  toy,  thought  more  highly  of  his  j^ersonal  forti- 
tude than  he  was  justified  in  thinking.  So,  too,  the  little 
girl  of  Catholic  or  Protestant  parentage  has  nearly  forgot- 
ten the  joy  with  which  she  clasped  her  stocking  in  the  dim 
dawn,  and  has  even  ceased  to  weep  over  the  cruel  acci- 
dent which  set  free  the  current  of  her  new  doll's  sawdust. 
And  now,  after  every  one  else  has  entirely  recovered  from 
Christmas,  the  small-boy  of  the  Eastern  Church  is  made 
to  celebrate  his  tardy  festival  with  what  factitious  enthu- 
siasm he  can  muster.  It  is  worse  than  dining  at  the  second 
table  upon  ragged  turkey,  with  coagulated  gravy.  He 
feels  like  a  masker  bereft  by  some  horrible  accident  of 
his  carriage,  and  compelled  to  return  home  on  foot  and 
in  his  grotesque  costume  through  the  crowded  daylight 
streets.  If  he  happens  to  reside  in  a  community  which 
adheres  to  the  Gregorian  calendar,  he  knov/s  that  the 
police  will  pounce  upon  him  if  he  fires  untimely  crackers 
and  blows  belated  horns.  He  keeps  his  Christmas  in  a 
shamefaced  manner,  and  in  a  back  room,  and  when  night 
comes  goes  sadly  to  bed,  harassed  by  doubts  as  to  the 
truth  of  his  parents'  creed,  and  asking  himself  whether  he 
would  break  his  father's  heart  if  he  should  beg  him  to 
change  his  views  as  to  ihejilioque  clause,  and  to  embrace 
Catholicism  and  an  early  Christmas. 

It  is  strange  that  the  Greek  Church  does  not  listen  to 
the  cry  of  its  children,  and  consider  the  propriety  of  a 
rectification  of  the  calendar.  The  change  must  inevitably 
be  made  at  some  day,  and  the  longer  it  is  postponed  the 
more  costly  it  will  be.  Steadily,  though  almost  insensi- 
bly, the  error  in  the  Julian  calendar  increases,  and  it  will 
ultimately  carry  the  Greek  Christmas  into  midsummer. 
To  make  the  change  then  will  be  to  bring  two  successive 
Christmases  within  a  few  days  of  each  other,  thus  doub- 
ling the  cost  of  filling  Greek  stockings,  and  involving  an 
enormous  o'utlay  for  candles.  Of  course,  the  Russian 
Government  will  not  adhere  forever  to  a  system  which 
leads  to  innumerable  misunderstandings  between  young 
lady  correspondents,  and  which  interferes  seriously  with 


BOTTLED  BOOKS.  175 

the  transaction  of  business  between  persons  holding  dif- 
ferent views  as  to  the  true  day  of  the  month.  The  sooner 
the  change  is  made  the  better.  A  conservatism  which 
brings  misery  to  children,  and  confusion  upon  promissory 
notes,  cannot  be  defended.  The  Greek  boy  should  be 
permitted  to  join  with  the  rest  of  juvenile  Christendom  in 
stuffing  himself  with  Christmas  plum-pudding,  and  in 
draining  the  subsequent  chalice  of  penitential  rhubarb, 
and  the  Russian  merchant  should  be  able  to  calculate  the 
date  on  which  the  note  of  his  Greek  debtor  falls  due  with- 
out the  use  of  a  black-board  and  a  table  of  logarithms. 


BOTTLED  BOOKS 

An  odd  story  is  current  concerning  an  eccentric 
Englishman  who  fears  that  the  attacks  of  certain  scientific 
men  upon  the  Mosaic  account  of  the  creation  will  result  in 
the  total  disappearance  from  literature  of  the  book  of 
Genesis,  and  the  universal  loss  of  all  knowledge  of  its 
contents.  In  order  to  guard  against  this  apprehended 
calamity,  he  has  invented  a  method  of  preserving  the 
Mosaic  record  which  is  extremely  ingenious.  He  has 
freighted  a  vessel  with  ten  thousand  tightly  corked  bottles, 
each  containing  the  story  of  the  Garden  of  Eden,  and  has 
sent  them  to  the  Arctic  regions.  There  the  bottles  are  to 
be  imbedded  in  the  snow,  where  it  is  supposed  that  they 
will  remain  until  the  gradual  shifting  of  the  earth's  axis 
brings  about  a  climatic  change,  and  the  consequent  melt- 
ing of  the  snow  sets  the  bottles  free  to  drift  down  to 
regions  where  their  contents  will  be  read  with  astonish- 
ment and  gratitude  by  future  generations. 

Whether  the  alleged  Englishman  and  his  bottles  have 
or  have  not  any  existence,  is  not  a  matter  of  very  great 
consequence.  The  real  value  of  the  story  consists  in  the 
hint  which  it  gives  to  authors  who  desire  to  secure  a  re- 
publication  of  their  works  thousands  of  years  hence.  Books 
which  were  published  yesterday,  and  are  dead  and  forgot- 
ten to-day,  can  be  called  in  by  their  authors,  packed  in 


1^6  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

air-tight  cases,  and  buried  in  the  Arctic  snows.  When 
these  books  finally  float  back  to  the  descendants  of  the 
public  which  now  scorns  them,  they  will  be  sure  of  the 
notoriety  which  they  have  so  far  failed  to  secure,  and  their 
republication  by  the  Arctic  current  will  be  vastly  more  to 
their  advantage  than  would  be  their  possible  reissue  by  a 
reckless  publishing  firm. 

It  is  greatly  to  be  hoped  that  the  merits  of  this  plan  of 
bottling  undesirable  works  for  future  consumption  will  be 
perceived  by  certain  authors  now  living.  With  what  joy 
would  the  intelligent  part  of  the  public  learn  that  Mr. 
Tupper  had  bought  up  all  existing  copies  of  his  Proverbial 
Philosophy,  preferring  the  certainty  that  his  wisdom  would 
be  supplied  in  quart  bottles  to  the  public  of  the  thirtieth 
or  fortieth  century,  to  the  chance  that  readers  of  the  re- 
maining twenty-five  years  of  the  nineteenth  century  might 
care  to  continue  to  draw  it,  so  to  speak,  from  the  wood. 
How  heartily  could  we,  for  the  first  time,  applaud  the 
gushing  and  grammarless  "  Ouida,"  were  she  to  pledge 
herself  to  bottle  all  her  future  novels,  and  to  keep  them  on 
Polar  ice  for  the  delectation  of  posterit}^  In  our  land 
there  are  novelists  whom  the  public  has  utterly  rejected  ; 
poets  without  number  whose,  works  vainly  lie  in  ambush 
for  readers  in  second-hand  bookstores,  v/ithout  ever  finding 
a  victim  ;  and  not  a  few  humorists  whom  the  world  would 
not  willingly  let  die  in  any  slow  and  peaceful  way,  were 
there  only  a  beneficent  provision  of  law  allowing  any  one 
to  kill  them  with  promptness  and  impunity.  These  should 
gather  their  works  together  and  ship  them  to  the  Polar 
continent.  What  though  some  venturesome  Polar  bear 
should  chance  to  devour  a  five-act  tragedy,  or  a  volume  of 
humorous  police  reports,  and  perish  miserably  in  intestinal 
anguish  ?  What  if  even  an  Esquimaux  were  to  stimulate 
his  sluggish  mind  with  bottled  Tupper,  and  so  fall  into 
sudden  and  hopeless  idiocy  ?  The  welfare  of  civilized 
men  must  be  preferred  to  that  of  casual  Polar  bears,  and 
the  happiness  of  whole  nations  must  not  be  hazarded 
through  fear  of  the  possible  ruin  of  an  occasional  Esqui- 
maux. 

But,  it   may  be   objected   by  humane   men,   that    this 


A   STEAM  HORSE.  177 

sdieme  entails  frightful  consequences  upon  posterity,  since 
it  is  ridding  ourselves  of  a  vast  burden  of  oppressive  liter- 
ature, only  to  heap  it  upon  the  devoted  heads  of  unborn 
generations.  It  is  true  that  the  philanthropic  mind  cannot 
contemplate  without  a  shudder  the  thought  of  a  tremendous 
cataclysm  of  Tuppers  and  Ouidas,  sweeping  down  from 
the  North,  and  carrying  mental  devastation  throughout 
the  civilized  world.  And  yet  we  may  justify  ourselves  in 
some  measure  by  the  same  argument  with  which  we  excuse 
the  heaping  up  of  a  national  debt;  which  our  children  will 
be  compelled  to  pay.  In  either  case,  the  immediate 
nec^sities  of  the  present  take  precedence  of  the  remote 
contingencies  of  the  future.  Perhaps  a  few  thousand  years 
hence,  men  will  be  strong  enough  to  endure  books  which 
now  burden  us  beyond  our  strength.  At  any  rate,  there  is 
no  doubt  that  the  majority  will  be  willing  to  let  the  future 
take  care  of  itself,  and  to  secure  their  own  happiness  by 
sowing  the  Arctic  fields  with  bottled  literature.  It  remains 
for  ambitious  authors  to  take  immediate  measures  for 
preserving  their  fame  on  ice.  We  now  see  that  the  desolate 
Arctic  lands  were  not  created  in  vain.  Let  us  hope  that 
there  will  be  no  delay  in  the  use  of  so  capacious  and  trust- 
worthy a  refrigerator  for  tainted  and  intolerable  literature.  ~ 


A  STEAM  HORSE. 

An  ingenious  Californian  has  invented  a  new  method 
of  employing  steam  as  the  motive  power  of  street  cars. 
The  task  which  he  proposed  to  liimself  in  making  this  in- 
vention was  a  simple  one,  inasmuch  as  he  did  not  intend 
to  do  away  with  railway  tracks  nor  to  change  the  pattern 
of  the  street  cars  now  in  use.  What  he  tried  to  do  was  to 
devise  a  locomotive  which  would  not  frighten  horses,  and 
he  fancies  that  he  has  fully  accomplished  his  purpose  by 
building  a  locomotive  in  what  he  regards  as  the  likeness  of 
a  horse. 

The  new  steam  horse  resembles  the  ordinary  style  of 
animal  so  far  as  its   head  and   shoulders  are  concerned. 


178 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


There,  however,  its  resembLmce  abruptly  ends.  The  iron 
animal  is  devoid  of  legs,  for  which  are  substituted  wheels, 
just  visible  at  the  foot  of  an  iron  petticoat.  Where  the  hind 
quarters  of  a  well-constructed  horse  ought  to  be,  the  inven- 
tive Californian  has  placed  a  cab,  reminding  one  by  its 
appearance  of  a  sedan  chair.  The  steam  horse  is  har- 
nessed' with  a  cow-catcher,  a  head-light,  and  a  bell,  but 
being  built  with  immovable  ears  and  no  tail  whatever,  it  is 
unable  to  express  its  emotions  except  by  the  un equine 
process  of  whistling. 

That  any  intelligent  man  should  for  a  moment  fancy 
that  so  preposterous  a  machine  could  impose  upon  even  the 
most  stupid  cart-horse,  is  something  wonderful.  The  in- 
ventor actually  believes  that  the  average  horse  will  mistake 
this  legless  and  tailless  machine  for  an  animal  of  his  own 
species.  Now  a  horse  may  not  be  much  more  intelligent 
than  a  conscientious  advocate  of  an  irredeemable  paper 
currency,  but  he  cannot  be  imposed  upon  by  any  such 
shallow  device  as  the  Californian  steam  horse.  He  knows 
perfectly  well  that  horses  have  legs,  and  that  they  do  not 
wear  iron  petticoats.  A  horse  with  a  cow-catcher  would 
provoke  his  scorn  and  contempt,  while  he  would  undoubt- 
edly regard  a  horse  with  a  blazing  head-light  on  his  breast 
and  a  bell  mounted  between  his  ears  as  an  equine  demon 
from  which  every  animal  with  any  vestige  of  «elf-respect 
ought  to  promptly  run  away.  Even  when  standing  motion- 
less on  the  track,  and  with  an  empty  boiler,  the  iron  horse 
would  exhibit  peculiarities  which  would  instantly  convince 
real  horses  of  his  fraudulent  character.  They  would  notice 
his  incomprehensible  indifference  to  flies  ;  the  unnatural 
calmness  with  which  he  w^ould  witness  the  gambols  of  a 
bit  of  paper  blown  about  by  the  wind  ;  and  the  inexplica- 
ble firmness  with  which  he  would  refuse  to  fly  from  the 
presence  of  that  terrible  danger — a  sun-umbrella.  When 
neighed  at  in  a  friendly  way  by  passing  horses  of  a  social 
turn  of  mind,  his  stolid  refusal  to  prick  up  his  ears,  and 
his  inability  to  whisk  any  sort  of  tail,  would  instantly  give 
rise  to  grave  suspicions  of  his  character.  It  would  be  use- 
less for  the  engine-driver  to  make  a  show  of  whipping  his 
insensate  beast,  or  of  cursing  hi.n  with  all  the  resources  o£ 


A  NEW   WEAPON.  lyg 

Californian  profanity.  The  sound  made  by  beating  boiler 
iron  would  never  be  mistaken  by  an  experienced  horse  foi: 
the  familiar  thud  of  the  cart-rung  upon  hide  and  bones  ; 
and  the  failure  of  the  driver  to  dismount  and  kick  his  steed 
in  the  ribs  would  convince  all  reflective  horses  that  there 
must  be  something  wrong  about  him. 

So  far  as  the  newly-invented  steam  horse  is  designed 
to  impose  upon  the  presumed  stupidity  of  other  horses,  he 
is  undoubtedly  a  failure.  But  there  is  a  still  stronger  ob- 
jection to  him.  Even  if  he  were  not  to  frighten  horses,  he 
would  most  certainly  frighten  children,  nervous  people,  and 
persons  addicted  to  an  excessive  consumption  of  whiskey. 
It  is  said  that  in  early  California  days,  the  sight  of  a  single 
harmless  rat  would  throw  a  whole  mining  camp  into  a  fear- 
ful looking-for  of  delirium  tremens.  How  much  more 
alarming  will  be  the  sight  of  a  horse  with  a  parabolic  head- 
light and  a  perpetually  tolling  bell.  The  terrible  vision 
would  fill  the  lunatic  asylum  of  San  Francisco  in  twenty- 
four  hours,  and  besides  frightening  existing  children  into 
complicated  fits,  would  endanger  the  safety  of  the  next 
Californian  generation. 


A   NEW   WEAPON. 

It  is  a  reproach  to  the  inventive  genius  of  the  age 
that  hitherto  no  improvements  have  been  made  in  that 
familiar  weapon,  the  umbrella.  The  present  generation 
has  seen  the  smooth-bore  musket  succeeded  by  the  breech- 
loading  rifle,  and  the  old-fashoned  32-pounder  made 
obsolete  by  the  introduction  of  the  15-inch  Rodman  gun. 
The  revolver  and  the  bowie-knife,  the  percussion  shell  and 
the  naval  torpedo  have  all  been  invented  during  the  pres- 
ent century,  but  the  umbrella  remains  precisely  the  same 
uncertain  and  inefficient  weapon  that  it  was  when  first 
adopted  as  a  substitute  for  the  rapier.  Whether  it  is  used 
for  purposes  of  offence  or  defence,  it  is  equally  unsatisfac- 
tory.    Occasionally  an  irascible  old  gentleman  attempts  to 


1 8o  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

Strike  a  blow  with  a  furled  umbrella,  but  there  is  not  on 
record  a  single  case  in  which  a  serious  wound  has  been 
thus  inflicted,  and  it  is  now  generally  recognized  that  the 
umbrella  cannot  be  effectually  used  either  as  a  club  or  a 
cutting  weapon.  Tacticians  are  agreed  that  when  an  attack 
is  made  with  an  umbrella,  the  attacking  party  must  use  it 
exclusively  as  a  thrusting  weapon.  Even  when  thus  used,  it 
is  far  inferior  to  the  bayonet  or  the  pike.  If  thrust  violent- 
ly into  an  adversary's  stomach,  or  inserted  carefully  in 
his  eye,  a  wound  may  be  inflicted  which  will  temporarily 
disable  him.  It  is  seldom,  however,  that  a  man  wdll  hold 
his  eye  sufficiently  still  to  enable  another  to  hit  it  with  an 
umbrella,  and  the  inability  of  the  weapon  to  pierce  through 
several  thicknesses  of  cloth  renders  the  modern  stomach 
comparatively  safe  from  an  umbrella-thrust.  In  the  hands 
of  determined  women,  the  umbrella  is  sometimes  effect- 
ively employed  in  order  to  attract  the  attention  of  a  car 
conductor,  or  to  prepare  a  careless  young  man  smoking  a 
cigar  on  the  car  platform,  to  receive  a  tract  on  the  sin  of 
profane  swearing.  In  such  cases,  however,  the  umbrella 
is  intended  merely  to  stimulate  the  mind  through  the 
medium  of  the  ribs,  and  not  as  an  offensive  weapon.  When 
used  for  defensive  purposes,  an  open  umbrella  will  some- 
times ward  off  the  attack  of  an  infuriated  poodle,  and  it  is 
asserted  that  it  has  occasionally  sheltered  a  cautious  hus- 
band from  a  sudden  shower  of  crockery,  resulting  from  a 
depressed  state  of  feminine  hopes  concerning  a  new  bonnet 
and  the  sudden  appearance  of  a  domestic  storm-centre 
in  the  area  of  the  breakfast-room.  Still,  when  all  has 
been  said  in  behalf  of  the  umbrella  that  its  advocates 
can  possibly  claim,  the  facts  of  its  miserable  inefficiency 
both  for  attack  and  defence  must  be  conceded. 

The  recent  invention  of  the  torpedo-umbrella,  by  an 
ingenious  citizen  of  Chicago,  can  be  compared  in  value 
only  to  the  invention  of  gunpowder,  and  the  new  weap- 
on is  as  much  superior  to  the  old-fashioned  umbrella  as 
the  musket  was  to  the  bow  and  arrow.  The  torpedo- 
umbrella  resembles  in  its  outward  appearance  the  ordinary 
silk  or  cotton  side-arm,  but  its  stock  is  somewhat  larger  in 
diameter,  and  consists  of  two  pieces,  a  hollow  metallic  tube 


A   NEW  WEAPON.  t8i 

and  a  wooden  piston,  the  latter  forming  the  handle  of  the 
weapon.  Within  that  part  of  the  tube  which  projects  be- 
yond the  frame  of  the  umbrella,  and  forms  what  is  com- 
monly called  its  point,  is  inclosed  a  cartridge  containing  a 
heavy  charge  of  dynamite.  ,  This  cartridge  can  be  pushed 
forward  and  exploded  simply  by  pressing  the  handle  of 
the  piston-rod,  and  as  the  force  of  the  explosion  is  exerted 
on  a  line  with  the  tube,  the  cartridge  can  be  fired  without 
danger  to  the  operator,  especially  if  he  first  spreads  the 
umbrella  and  thus  interposes  a  shield  against  any  possible 
splinters  or  flying  fragments  of  an  enemy. 

It  can  easily  be  perceived  that  this  simple  weapon  may 
be  made  extremely  formidable  in  the  hands  of  a  cool  and 
courageous  man.  If  such  a  man  were  to  be  accosted  in  a 
lonely  street  at  midnight  by  a  suspicious-looking  stranger, 
who  should  express  a  wish  for  his  money  or  his  life,  without 
evincing  any  particular  preference  for  either,  he  would 
instantly  open  his  umbrella,  bring  the  point  in  contact 
with  the  stranger's  w^aistcoat,  and  smartly  drive  down  the 
piston.  There  would  be  a  sharp  explosion,  and  the  stran- 
ger would  vanish.  No  trace  of  the  tragedy  would  be  left 
in  the  neighborhood  for  the  edification  of  the  possible 
policeman  who  might  bend  his  slow  footsteps  in  the  direc- 
tion of  the  explosion  during  the  following  day,  but  minute 
and  widely  dispersed  materials  for  a  hundred  inquests 
would  afterwards  be  collected  by  expert  coroners,  who 
would  enjoy  a  prolonged  carnival  of  fees.  No  such  satis- 
factory results  could  be  achieved  by  any  other  known  wea- 
pon. Unlike  the  revolver,  the  torpedo-umbrella  never 
misses  its  aim  ;  neither  does  it  burden  the  operator  with  a 
useless  corpse.  Its  work  is  done  instantaneously,  thorough- 
ly, and  \vith  absolute  certainty,  and  the  Chicago  inventor 
claims  that  by  its  aid  an  enterprising  wife,  who  modestly 
shrinks  from  the  trouble  and  cost  of  divorce  suits,  can 
prepare  herself  for  a  fresh  husband,  %even  in  the  most 
crowded  thoroughfare,  without  danger  of  impertinent  in- 
terference. So  instantaneous  is  the  effect  produced  by 
the  explosion  of  the  umbrella-torpedo,  that  had  Mrs.  Laura 
Fair  used  it  in  connection  with  the  late  Mr.  Crittenden, 
all  that  the  bystanders    would  have   noticed  would  have 


1 82  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

been  a  violent  report  and  the  inexplicable  disappearance 
of  j\Ir.  Crittenden — phenomena  which  no  one  would  have 
dreamed  of  associating  with  a  pretty  woman  and  a  seem- 
ingly harmless  umbrella. 

Hereafter  the  privacy  of  men  with  umbrellas  will  be 
strictly  respected,  and  the  travelling  Briton  who  visits  this 
country  w^ith  his  inevitable  umbrella  in  his  hand,  can  roam 
over  the  entire  continent  without  finding  a  single  represent- 
ative of  the  traditional  Yankee  whose  thirst  for  information 
has  been  recorded  by  every  foreign  book-making  tourist. 


THE  THOMSONIAN  THEORY. 

A  FEW  years  ago  we  all  believed  the  interior  of  the 
earth  to  be  a  sea  of  melted  rock.  This  theory  was  sup- 
ported by  such  convincing  facts,  and  gave  such  an  easy 
explanation  to  the  phenomena  of  volcanic  eruptions  and 
hot  springs  that  it  was  a  real  comfort  to  persons  who 
preferred  certainty  to  speculation.  We  were  then  told 
with  great  confidence  by  the  scientific  persons  that  five 
miles  was  the  average  thickness  of  the  crust  of  the  earth, 
and  that  in  some  places, — as  in  Iceland,  for  example, — 
this  crust  was  so  exceedingly  thin  that  the  Icelander  was 
continually  in  danger  of  breaking  through  and  drowning 
in  a  vast  sub-cellar  of  liquid  lava. 

Sir  William  Thomson,  who  recently  tried  to  prove  that 
the  solar  system  has  only  existed  a  few  million  of  years, 
and  who  thus  incurred  the  bitter  resentment  of  all  sincere 
geologists,  has  now  struck  a  blow  at  the  cherished  popular 
belief  in  the  extreme  internal  heat  of  the  earth.  In  an 
able  paper,  read  before  the  British  Association  at  Glasgow, 
he  demonstrated  the  falsity  of  this  belief,  and  the  solidity 
of  the  earth.  Putting  aside  all  facts  which  seem  to  con- 
flict with  this  theory,  he  laid  down  the  premise  that  mat- 
ter contracts  as  it  cools,  and  that  the  earth,  in  passing 
from  a  fluid  to  a  solid  state,  began  to  cool  on  the  surface. 
Now  what  happens  when  heated  matter  cools?  "  It  con- 
tracts," answers  Sir  William,  ignoring  the  eccentric  habit 


THE  THOMSONIAN  THEORY.  183 

of  expansion  which  characterizes  water  when  approaching 
the  freezing  point.  Consequently,  the  surface  of  the  earth 
contracted  in  proportion  as  it  cooled,  and  the  fragments 
of  rock  broken  by  this  contraction  continually  fell  into 
the  molten  interior  of  the  globe  until  they  finally  formed 
ribs  on  which  the  crust  rested,  and  thus  separated  the 
liquid  lava  into  small  isolated  ponds.  These  in  their  turn 
became  gradually  filled  with  fragments  of  solidified  mat- 
ter, and  finally  the  whole  earth  became  a  vast  pile  of 
"  rip-raps,"  without  any  interior  heat  worth  mentioning. 
This  was  the  substance  of  Sir  William's  argument,  and  it 
must  be  conceded  that  as  a  specimen  of  inductive  reason- 
ing it  is  wonderfully  clear  and  quite  unanswerable. 

Whether  Sir  William  Thomson  illustrated  his  argument 
by  experiments  we  are  not  told,  but  any  one  who  is  inter- 
ested in  the  matter  can  easily  try  a  very  simple  experi- 
ment, which  will  prove  the  truth  of  the  new  theory.  If 
we  take  a  common  domestic  baby,  and  with  the  aid  of  a 
glass  siphon  fill  it  with  boiled  milk  of  the  temperature  of 
200°  Fahrenheit,  and  then  place  the  infant  in  a  cool  room, 
its  surface  will  immediately  begin  to  contract,  and  the 
process  will  go  on  until  the  interior  of  the  subject  of  the 
experiment  becomes  wholly  solidified,  and  all  traces  of 
liquid  milk  vanish.  The  same  effect,  though  of  course  to 
a  less  obvious  extent,  is  produced  whenever  warm  food  is 
placed  in  the  interior  of  any  human  stomach.  The  sur- 
face of  the  body  necessarily  cools  faster  than  the  interior, 
w'hich  contains  the  heated  food,  and  hence  it  follows  that 
fat  men  can  easily  .contract  themselves  by  frequent  in- 
dulgence in  hot  dinners.  The  proverbial  thinness  of 
maiden  ladies  of  advanced  years  who  are  addicted  to  tea, 
is  a  striking  illustration  of  Sir  William's  theory.  The 
more  hot  tea  they  drink,  the  more  rapidly  their  surfaces 
contract,  and  thus  the  popular  theory  that  the  average 
maiden  lady  consists  of  a  thin  crust  of  flesh  and  bones 
surrounding  a  sea  of  super-heated  tea,  is  seen  to  be  as 
fallacious  as  the  theory  of  the  existence  of  central  fires  in 
the  interior  of  the  globe. 

In  case  there  is  no  baby  at  hand  with  which  to  experi- 
ment, the  ordinary  household  cooking-stove  may  be  em- 


1 8 4  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

ployed  to  demonstrate  the  beautiful  Thomsonian  theory. 
When,  towards  night,  the  cook  permits  the  fire  to  gradually 
die  out,  the  exterior  of  the  stove  cools  more  rapidly  than 
does  the  glowing  mass  of  coal  which  it  contains.  Hence 
the  stove  contracts  violently,  aTid  breaks  into  fragments 
which  fall  into  the  fire.  The  final  result  is  exactly  anal- 
ogous to  that  which  followed  the  cooling  of  the  earth. 
The  crumbling  fragments  of  stove  gradually  fill  up  the 
space  originally  occupied  by  the  fire,  and  in  the  morning 
the  cook  finds  a  heap  of  broken  iron  of  a  globular  shape 
in  the  place  where  the  cooking-stove  had  stood  on  the 
previous  evening. 

It  is  proper  to  say  that  these  experiments  upon  babies, 
fat  men,  and  cooking-stoves  have  not  been  actually  tried 
by  Sir  William  Thomson,  at  least  so  far  as  is  known,  but 
there  can  be  no  doubt  that  if  they  were  tried,  they  would 
be  perfectly  successful.  What  Sir  William  has  said  of  the 
phenomena  which  attended  the  cooling  of  the  earth  was 
based  solely  upon  the  great  natural  law  that  contraction 
follows  the  cooling  of  heated  bodies,  and  if  this  is  true  of 
the  earth,  it  must  also  be  true  of  babies,  fat  men,  cooking- 
stoves,  and  all  other  articles.  It  is  therefore  unnecessary 
to  try  the  experiments  just  described,  and  Sir  William 
Thomson  is  doubtless  so  perfectly  confident  as  to  their  in- 
evitable result,  that  he  would  regard  it  as  a  waste  of  time 
to  cool  Lady  Thomson's  cooking-stove,  or  to  induce  her  to 
suriender  a  baby  with  a  view  to  the  siphon  experiment. 

Since  the  Thomsonian  theory  of  the  solidity  of  the 
earth  has  been  thus  conclusively  proved  by  a  faultless  pro- 
cess of  reasoning,  we  shall  have  to  devise  some  new 
method  of  explaining  the  presence  of  melted  matter  in  the 
craters  of  active  volcanoes,  the  heat  of  geysers,  and  the 
regular  increase  of  temperature  which  keeps  pace  with 
the  progress  made  in  the  direction  of  the  centre  of  the 
'earth  in  boring  artesian  wells.  Sir  William  very  properly 
declines  to  be  annoyed  by  questions  as  to  these  matters. 
His  argument  is  complete  and  unanswerable,  and,  having 
made  such  an  argument,  it  is  not  necessary  for  him  to 
reconcile  with  it  facts  which  seem  to  contradict  it.  Any 
person  is  at  liberty  to   explain  volcanoes  in  the  way  that 


A    WESTERN  TRAGEDY. 


I8S 


may  best  suit  his  personal  tastes,  but  henceforth  no  one 
can  honestly  maintain  that  the  interior  of  the  earth  is  still 
in  a  molten  state,  or  that  fat  men  do  not  contract  after 
eating  hot  dinners. 


A  WESTERN  TRAGEDY. 

Recently  two  simultaneous  infants  were  born  in  a  Des 
Moines  boarding-house,  and  inasmuch  as  they  were  not 
twins,  it  is  perhaps,  unnecessary  to  mention  that  two  dis- 
tinct mothers  were  involved  in  the  affair.  The  judicious 
infant  notoriously  prefers  to  be  born  in  the  middle  of  the 
night,  for  the  reason  that  it  is  certain  to  find  its  father  at 
home  ready  to  carry  messages  and  execute  commissions. 
The  wild  western  infant,  on  the  contrary,  disdains  custom, 
and  is  careless  of  the  convenience  of  others.  The  two 
Des  Moines  infants  made  their  first  appearance  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  day,  when  there  was  no  one  in  readiness  to  wel- 
come them  ;  and  if  they  have  lifcrlong  reason  to  regret 
their  precipitancy,  the  verdict  of  staid  and  orderly  people 
will  be  that  it  served  them  right. 

It  so  happened  that  a  friendly  and  neighboring  matron, 
who  heard  of  the  casualty,  promptly  called  on  the  two 
mothers  and  volunteered  her  assistance.  Her  aid  was 
cheerfully  accepted,  and  the  infants  being  handed  to  her 
she  placed  them  in  a  convenient  market-basket,  and  carried 
them  to  her  room  in  order  to  dampen  the  enthusiasm  with 
which  they  had  entered  on  their  new  existence  by  making 
them  acquainted  with  the  pins  and  soap  of  every-day  life. 
No  one  claims  that  she  did  not  perform  her  task  in  a 
thorough  and  proper  manner.  The  infants  were  soon  made 
ready  for  exhibition,  and  were  brought  back  to  their  mothers 
much  depressed  in  spirits,  and  entertaining  grave  doubts 
whether,  on  the  whole,  they  had  acted  wisely  in  emigrating 
to  Des  Moines.  When,  however,  the  more  inquisitive  of 
the  mothers  desired  to  know  which  was  her  private  infant, 
the  officious  matron  uttered  a  wild  cry  and  sank  fainting 
to  the  floor,  while  the   infants  rolled  from  her  limp  arms 


i86  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

and  brought  up  with  considerable  violence  against  the  coal- 
scuttle and  the  rocking-chair. 

It  will  hardly  be  credited  that  the  well-meaning  but 
unfortunate  matron  had  taken  no  precaution  to  distinguish 
one  infa-nt  from  the  other.  As  a  consequence  she  was 
entirely  unable  to  return  each  to  its  actual  mother.  Noth- 
ing could  have  been  easier  than  to  mark  them,  for  identi- 
fication— calling  one,  say  "  Schedule  A,"  and  the  other 
"  Schedule  B."  This,  in  fact,  is  the  precise  way  in  which  a 
local  lawyer,  whose  advice  was  subsequently  asked,  assert- 
ed that  the  affair  ought  to  have  been  managed.  The  same 
purpose  would  have  been  accomplished  had  the  matron  cut 
a  small  notch  in  the  leg  of  one  infant,  or  pasted  a  written 
label  on  its  forehead,  or  marked  its  nose  with  indelible  ink. 
As  she  remarked,  however,  it  is  easy  enough  to  think  of 
these  things  when  it  is  too  late  to  use  them  ;  and  it  is 
doubtful  if  those  who  now  so  severely  condemn  her  for  not 
habitually  carrying  brass  checks  in  her  pocket  for  the  pur- 
pose of  checking  casual  infants  that  may  be  thrown  upon 
her  care,  would  have  been  much  less  "flustered"  had  they 
been  in  her  place.  That  she  was  "  flustered  "  she  readily 
admits,  and  though  the  precise  meaning  of  that  term  is  not 
very  well  ascertained,  it  is  generally  understood  to  denote  a 
state  of  temporary  insanity,  induced  by  an  excess  of 
infants. 

It  is  not  pleasant  to  dwell  upon  the  grief  of  the  dis- 
appointed mothers.  To  find  that,  instead  of  owning  one 
infant  each,  they  had  only  a  tenancy  in  common  of  two 
infants,  must  have  been  extremely  painful.  It  is  true  that 
a  mother  who  owns  an  undivided  half  part  of  two  infants 
has  just  as  much  infantile  property  as  though  she  owned 
one  entire  infant  in  fee  simple.  Still,  every  mother  prefers 
to  have  a  strictly  private  infant,  and  the  law  makes  no  pro- 
vision for  a  partition  suit  between  tenants  in  common  of 
the  same  infant.  The  repentant  matron  tried  to  mend  mat- 
ters by  advising  the  mothers  to  draw  for  the  choice  of  chil- 
dren. First  carefully  mixing  the  infants  behind  her  back, 
she  covered  them  with  a  blanket,  leaving  a  single  leg  of 
each  projecting  about  three  inches  from  the  blanket.  Each 
mother  then  selected  a  leg  and  drew  forth  the  correspond- 


A   JVEW  BRANCH  OF  STUDY. 


187 


irig  infant.  Perhaps,  in  the  circumstances,  this  was  the 
best  phm  that  could  have  been  adopted,  but  it  by  no  means 
repaired  the  mischief  that  had  been  done.  Neither  mother 
will  ever  have  any  real  satisfaction  in  her  alleged  child. 
Each  will  always  have  a  terrible  fear  that  she  is  wasting 
her  time  and  energies  over  a  colic  that  rightfully  concerns 
the  other  mother,  and  when  one  child  is  praised  by  indis- 
creet friends  for  its  imaginary  beauty,  both  mothers  will 
insist  that  their  own  features  have  been  inherited  by  the 
infant  in  question.  When  these  unhappy  babies  grow  to 
years  of  discretion,  they  will  never  be  satisfied  as  to  their 
identity,  and  tlie  blighting  consciousness  that  while  other 
men  are  forbidden  to  marry  only  two  grandmothers,  they 
are  each  forbidden  to  marry  four,  will  eif ectually  take  away 
the  zest  of  life. 

The  moral  of  this  tragedy  is  obviously  twofold.  It  is 
a  warning  to  western  infants  to  return  to  the  good  old 
custom  of  entering  upon  existence  in  the  night-time,  and 
it  will  impress  upon  the  minds  of  all  mothers  the  necessity 
of  keeping  labels  always  on  hand  for  use  in  sudden  emer- 
gencies. If  these  two  results  should  follow,  the  Des 
Moines  infants  will  not  have  been  mixed  in  vain,  and  what 
is  their  loss  will  prove  the  gain  of  future  generations. 


A  NEW  BRANCH  OF  STUDY. 

It  has  just  been  discovered  that  there  exists  a  "  Male 
and  Female  "  college  in  Tennessee  which  includes  in  its 
curriculum  a  new  study  of  vast  practical  importance.  This 
is  nothing  less  than  the  study  of  the  human  spine  :  and, 
though  it  is  pursued  as  merely  one  branch  of  the  general 
subject  of  "  etiquette,"  that  fact  does  not  in  the  least 
degree  lessen  its  importance.  The  catalogue  of  the  in- 
stitution informs  us  that,  "  the  salutation,  the  bow,  the 
courtesy,  the  word,  the  tone,  the  inflection — vocal  and 
physical,  the  attitude,  the  hand,  the  feet,  the  spine,  and 
eye  are  all  observed  and  studied,  and  the  students  daily 
exercised  in  them."     It  is  only  necessary  to  compare  this 


l88  SIXTH  COLUMN  FA.YCIES. 

intelligent  curriculum  ^vith  the  Greek  and  Latin  and  mathe- 
matical studies  still  in  vogue  at  Harvard  and  Yale  to  per- 
ceive that,  in  true  progress,  Tennessee  has  far  outstripped 
the  slow,  pedantic  East. 

The  spine  may  be  said  to  make  the  man.  The  lower 
vertebrate  animals  are  possessed  of  fore  and  aft  spines, 
but  the  true  perpendicular  spine  is  the  exclusive  property 
of  the  human  race.  It  is  the  spine  which  enables  man  to 
stand  up  at  a  bar  and  drink  in  a  perpendicular  position  ; 
to  make  campaign  speeches  ;  to  walk  a  thousand  miles  in 
a  thousand  hours  for  large  stakes  and  half  the  gate-money, 
and  to  do  other-  things  which  distinguish  him  from  the 
brutes,  and  prove  his  intellectual  and  moral  superiority. 
Slight  variations  in  spines  are  sufficient  to  affect  the  entire 
character  of  their  proprietors.  The  humble  and  submissive 
person  usually  owes  his  character  to  the  weakness  of  his 
spinal  column,  while  the  resolute  and  devoted  Ritualist 
possesses  a  spine  of  wonderful  stiffness  and  elasticity.  It 
is  true  that  occasionally  the  wrong  spines  appear  be  in  the 
possession  of  the  wrong  man,  and  our  sense  of  the  fitness 
of  things  is  shocked  by  finding  a  ritualistic  spine  wasted 
on  a  Baptist  or  Methodist,  who  cannot  possibly  develop  its 
full  capabilities.  Still,  as  a  rule,^  spines  are  usually  well 
distributed,  and,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  the  rigid  and  the 
wi]lo^vy  spines  are  placed  where  they  will  do  the  most 
good. 

The  great  importance  of  the  spine  being  thus  clearly 
•manifest,  it  is  eminently  proper  that  it  should  be  studied 
with  the  utmost  thoroughness.  In  the  enlightened  Ten- 
nessee college  to  which  reference  has  been  made,  the  spine 
is  not  only  "  observed  and  studied,"  but  the  students  are 
"  daily  exercised  in  it."  It  may  occur  to  carping  critics 
that  a  college  recitation-room  is  not  the  best  place  in  which 
to  observe  spines,  and  that  a  fashionable  ball  will  ordi- 
narily present  a  greater  extent  and  variety  of  spine  to  the 
gaze  of  the  earnest  student  than  will  any  other  public  or 
private  museum.  While  this  may  be  true  as  to  the  feminine 
spine,  it  is  not  true  of  spines  in  general,  and  however 
pleasing  the  exclusive  study  of  a  particular  department  of 
spines  might  be,  the  result  would  be  to  make  spinal  special- 


A  NEW  BRANCH  OF  STUDY.  189 

ists,  instead  of  men  thoroughly  learned  in  the  whole  field 
of  spines.  We  may  rest  assured  that  when  we  are  solemnly 
told  that  spines  are  daily  "  observed  "  by  the  students  of 
this  excellent  institution,  the  means  of  properly  observing 
them  are  duly  supplied.  What  these  means  are  the  public 
is  not  informed,  and  probably  for  wise  reasons.  If  any 
one  wishes  to  "  observe  "  spines,  let  him  pay  his  matricu- 
lation fee,  and  enroll  himself  among  the  students  of  the 
only  college  where  spinal  observation  is  pracciced.  To 
demand  a  full  explanation  of  the  process  in  advance  would 
be  as  unfair  as  it  would  be  to  insist  upon  inspecting  the 
contents  of  a  museum  before  paying  the  price  of  admis- 
sion. 

It  will,  of  course,  be  noticed  that  in  addition  to  observ- 
ing and  studying  spines,  the  Tennessee  students  are  "  daily 
exercised  in  them."  What  this  latter  process  may 
be  passes  conjecture.  To  observe  spines  minutely  and 
thoroughly,  and  to  study  them  in  all  their  relations  to 
human  clothes  and  human  affairs,  ought,  one  would  think, 
to  completely  exhaust  the  subject.  The  young  oculist 
who  observes  and  studies  the  human  eye,  and  does  all  that 
is  requisite  to  make  him  a  master  of  his  specialty,  would 
be  much  astonished  if,  before  receiving  his  diploma,  he 
were  to  be  required  to  prove  that  he  had  been  daily  exer- 
cised in  eyes.  It  may  be  suggested  that  the  Tennessee 
student  is  required  to  exercise  his  personal  spine  in  stiff 
Ritualistic,  stern  Presbyterian,  or  plastic  Methodist  func- 
tions, but  this  would  be  an  undisguised  introduction  of 
sectarian  studies,  and  as  such  contrary  to  the  charter  of 
the  college.  Of  course,  the  human  spine  can  be  exercised 
precisely  as  the  muscles  are  exercised  in  a  gymnasium. 
The  students  can  be  required  to  balance  themselves  on 
their  hands,  in  order  to  give  rigidity  to  the  spine,  or  to 
bend  themselves  in  tortuous  positions,  with  a  view  to 
increasing  its  pliability.  But  it  must  be  remembered  that 
the  college  where  this  study  is  pursued  is  a  "male  and 
female  college,"  and  it  is  extremely  doubtful  if,  in  a  mixed 
class  of  students  of  both  sexes,  these  methods  of  exercis- 
ing the  spine  would  be  found  entirely  satisfactory.  More- 
over, exercising  one's  own  private  spine  is  obviously  some- 


I  g o  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FA  iVCIES. 

thing  very  different  from  being  daily  exercised  in  spines, 
and  we  might  as  well  admit  that  the  unassisted  intellect  is 
not  capable  of  devising  the  precise  way  in  which  the  latter 
process  is  carried  on. 

What  will  be  the  result  of  a  course  of  education  which 
entitles  men  to  the  degree  of  Bachelor  of  Spines  remains 
to  be  seen.  If  it  will  lead  to  the  discovery  of  some  infalli- 
ble method  of  strengthening  the  spines  of  timid  statesmen, 
and  of  infusing  grace  and  flexibility  into  the  severe  spines 
of  earnest  female  reformers,  its  usefulness  will  be  demon- 
strated. In  any  event  it  must  develop  a  fuller  interest  in 
spines,  which,  if  properly  directed,  cannot  fail  to  increase 
the  physical  welfare  of  the  human  race,  and  to  satisfy  the 
hunoer  of  the  soul. 


GOING  TO  THE  ANT. 

Some  men  amuse  themselves  with  horses,  others  with 
dogs,  and  occasionally  an  eccentric  naturalist  affects  the 
society  of  snakes.  Sir  John  Lubbock,  however,  cares  for 
none  of  these  animals.  The  ant  monopolizes  all  his  affec- 
tions, and  apparently  all  his  time.  His  private  ant-stables 
are  large  and  commodious,  and  they  are  stocked  with  thor- 
ough-bred ants  of  unusual  beauty  and  intelligence.  If  we 
may  place  confidence  in  his  published  statements,  Sir 
John  goes  to  the  ant  to  a  greater  extent  than  any  sluggard 
of  whom  we  have  any  knowledge.  He  rises  early  in  the 
morning,  and  spends  his  entire  day  in  the  acquisition  of 
wisdom  by  observing  the  habits  of  the  ants.  From  time 
to  time  he  announces  to  the  world  new  proofs  of  the  aston- 
ishing attainments  which  ants  have  made  in  civilization 
and  culture.  Not  long  since,  he  confidently  assured  us 
that  in  addition  to  their  profound  knowledge  of  agriculture, 
mechanics,  and  politics,  the  ants  possessed  a  religion  the 
outward  manifestation  of  which  consisted  in  the  worship 
of  a  blind  beetle.  Doubtless,  before  very  long  he  will  tell 
us  of  painful  conflicts  between  Erastian  ants,  who  hold 
that  the  ant-hill  should  feed  the  beetle  out  of  the  public 


GOING   TO   THE   ANT.  I^l 

granaries,  and  non-conformist  ants,  who  demand  that  every 
ant  should  choose  its  own  beetle  and  feed  him  by  voluntary 
subscription.  In  fact  we  need  not  be  surprised  at  anything 
that  Sir  John  may  discover  as  to  ants.  He  believes  that 
an  ant-hill  is  a  microcosm,  and  that  the  ants  have,  if  any- 
thing, surpassed  men  in  the  arts,  sciences,  and  useful  in- 
dustries. 

The  most  recent  ant  bulletin  put  forth  by  Sir  John 
Lubbock  differs  somewhat  in  tone  from  those  which  have 
preceded  it.  The  industrious  investigator  has  discovered 
fresh  resemblances  between  ant  nature  and  human  nature, 
but  these,  unfortunately  do  not  reflect  credit  upon  the  ant. 
It  appears  that  when  an  ant  finds  an  accessible  sugar- 
bowl,  or  a  pot  of  eligible  jam,  he  is  far  too  astute  to  inform 
his  acquaintances  of  the  fact.  A  short  time  since  Sir  John 
took  two  favorite  ants  by  the  fore-legs  and  showed  them 
the  way  to  a  quantity  of  excellent  jelly.  On  every  subse- 
quent day  these  two  ants  slipped  quietly  out  of  theii'  ant- 
hill, and  hastening  to  the  jelly,  spent  hours  in  reducing 
themselves  morally  below  the  level  of  the  largest  beasts 
by  gorging  themselves  with  jelly.  They  did  not  share 
their  secret  with  a  single  friend,  and  when  on  their  way 
home  from  the  scene  of  their  revels,  they  were  careful  to 
remove  every  trace  of  jelly  from  their  persons.  No  Wall 
street  broker  with  private  information  of  the  certain  rise 
of  New  York  Central  could  have  observed  a  more  discreet 
silence,  and  no  railway  speculator  owning  an  absolute 
monopoly  of  all  the  railways  within  a  limited  district  could 
have  displayed  a  more  complete  indifference  to  the  comfort 
of  the  public,  and  a  firmer  determination  to  take  care  of 
his  own  interests. 

Sir  John  also  announces  that  he  has  tried  an  experi- 
ment to  determine  the  extent  to  which  ants  are  influenced 
by  sympathy  for  the  unfortunate.  He  found  that  if  he 
wounded  an  ant  loaded  with  valuable  property,  other  ants 
would  immediately  show  a  great  solicitude  for  the  unfor- 
tunate one,  and  would  promptly  relieve  him  of  his  burden. 
On  the  other  hand,  he  found  that  a  wounded  ant  who 
carried  no  articles  of  value  on  his  person,  might  lie  for 
hours  in  the  middle  of  a  crowded  thoroughfare  without  at- 


192  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

tracting  the  slightest  attention  from  his  fellows.  Good 
Samaritans  are  not  very  abundant  among  men,  but  among 
ants  they  appear  to  be  totally  unknown.  Sir  John  has 
been  forced  to  this  painful  conclusion  in  spite  of  his  ardent 
admiration  of  ants,  and  though  perhaps  it  furnishes  an  ad- 
ditional evidence  of  the  resemblance  between  ants  and 
men,  it  certainly  gives  us  no  reason  to  admire  the  moral 
status  of  the  heartless  insects. 

Now  that  it  is  established  that  selfishness,  greed,  and 
want  of  sympathy  for  the  suffering  are  among  the  char- 
acteristics of  ants,  doubts  will  begin  to  be  entertained 
whether  an  ant-hill  is  the  best  possible  school  to  which  to 
send  a  persistent  sluggard.  It  is  true  that  he  may  learn 
from  the  ants  to  get  up  at  preposterous  hours  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  to  carry  grains  of  sand  all  over  the  neighborhood, 
but  he  may  also  learn  to  make  corners  in  jelly,  and  to  aid 
people  in  distress  only  when  he  derives  some  personal 
benefit  thereby.  Certainly  Sir  John  Lubbock,  and  other 
scientific  partisans  of  the  ant  cannot  hereafter  hold  up  that 
exasperatingly  industrious  insect  as  a  model  of  all  possible 
virtues.  Indeed,  Sir  John  ought,  in  the  light  of  his  recent 
discoveries,  to  inquire  whether  there  is  not  something  radi- 
cally defective  in  the  ant  religion  as  it  now  exists.  May 
it  not  be  true  that  the  cult  of  the. blind  beetle  has  become 
overlaid  with  corruptions,  and  is  at  the  present  time  *as 
dangerous  to  morals  as  is  the  worship  of  fortune  among 
men  ?  At  all  events,  the  theory  of  the  immaculate  char- 
acter of  the  ^nt  has  received  a  severe  blow,  and  until.  Sir 
John  informs  us  that  there  has-been  a  reformation  in  the 
religion  and  morals  of  ants,  we  shall  not  be  reminded  quite 
so  frequently  as  we  have  been  of  our  enormous  inferiority 
to  them. 


POSTAL  CATS. 

Those  who  are  intimately  acquainted  with  the  domestic 
cat  must  sometimes  wonder  why  no  effort  has  been  made 
to  develop  his  intellectual  powers.  There  is  no  doubt  that 
the  cat  possesses  a  strong  and  subtle    intellect,  and  the 


POSTAL    CATS. 


193 


capacity  to  use  it  for  the  benefit  of  mankind.  And  yet  this 
able  beast  is  currently  believed  to  waste  his  vast  abilities 
in  the  frivolous  pleasures  of  the  chase,  or  in  more  ques- 
tionable forms  of  dissipation.  No  animal  has  been  more 
thoroughly  misunderstood  by  the  careless  and  prejudiced 
observers  who  constitute  the  majority  of  mankind.  Be- 
cause the  cat  is  a  beast  of  refined  tastes,  accustomed  to 
wear  neat  and  elegant  fur  and  preferring  to  sleep  on 
cushions  rather  than  door-mats,  he  has  been  constantly 
classed  among  useless  and  brainless  dandies.  His  fond- 
ness for  mice  has  been  pointed  out  as  a  proof  that  low 
propensities  may  accompany  luxurious  habits,  and  his 
musical  genius  and  romantic  tendencies,  which  are  so 
frequently  displayed,  on  the  back  fence,  have  actually  been 
cited  as  evidences  of  his  depraved  and  riotous  courses.  His 
accusers,  with  wonderful  inconsistency,  praise  the  terrier, 
who  is  quite  as  much  addicted  to  rats  and  mice  as  is  the 
cat ;  and  they  profess  to  be  charmed  with  the  robin,  whose 
voice  and  method  are  vastly  inferior  to  those  of  a  cultivated 
tenor  or  soprano  cat.  The  worst  that  can  be  truly  said  of 
the  cat  is  that  he  is  the  Alcibiades  of  animals,  and  were 
half  the  pains  taken  with  his  education  that  were  lavished 
upon  that  of  the  brilliant  Greek,  he  w^ould  probably  prove 
his  native  superiority  to  the*  ablest  Newfoundland  or  mas- 
tiff Pericles. 

The  fortunate  few  who  have  broken  through  the  disdain- 
ful cloak  of  cynicism  in  which  the  unappreciated  cat  has 
wrapped  himself,  and  who  have  learned  that  however 
heartless  he  may  seem,  there  is  always  an  angel  in  him  as 
well  as  in  the  late  Lord  Byron,  will  be  pleased  to  learn 
that  certain  Belgians  have  formed  a  society  for  the  mental 
and  moral  improvement  of  cats.  Their  first  effort  has 
been  to  train  the  cat  to  do  the  work  now  done  by  carrier 
pigeons.  It  has  long  been  known  that  the  cat  cannot  be 
intentionally  mislaid.  The  most  astute  and  accomplished 
scientific  person  would  have  hi'^  ideas  of  locality  totally 
confused  by  being  tied  up  in  a  meal  bag,  carried  twenty 
miles  from  home,  and  let  out  with  a  loud  request  to  "  scat  " 
in  a  strange  neighborhood  in  the  middle  of  the  night. 
This  experiment  has,  however,  been  repeatedly  tried  upon 

13 


194 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


cats  of  only  average  abilities,  and  the  invariable  result  has 
been  that  the  deported  animal  has  reappeared  at  his  native 
kitchen  door  next  morning,  and  calmly  ignored  the  whole 
affair.  This  wonderful  skill  in  travelling  through  unfamil- 
iar regions  without  a  guide-book  or  a  compass  has  sug- 
gested the  possibility  of  using  cats  as  special  messengers. 
Recently  the  Belgian  Society  for  the  Elevation  of  the  Domes- 
tic Cat  invited  thirty-seven  cats  residing  in  the  city  of  Liege 
to  take  a  social  meal-bag  trip  into  the  country.  The 
animals  were  liberated  at  2  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  at  a 
long  distance  from  Liege,  and  promptly  proceeded  to 
"scat."  At  6.48  the  same  afternoon,  one  of  them  reached 
his  home,  and  beyond  hinting,  though  in  a  much  more 
delicate  way  than  that  employed  by  Mr.  Wegg  that  a  saucer 
of  milk  would  be  peculiarly  "  mellering  to  the  organ,"  he 
did  not  make  the  slightest  allusion  to  his  long  and  trouble- 
some journey.  His  feline  companions  arrived  at  Liege 
somewhat  later,  but  it  is  understood  that  within  twenty-four 
hours  every  one  had  reached  his  home. 

This  result  has  greatly  encouraged  the  society,  and  it 
is  proposed  to  establish  at  an  early  day  a  regular  system 
of  cat  communication  between  Liege  and  the  neighboring 
villages.  Messages  are  to  be  fastened  in  water-proof  bags 
around  the  necks  of  the  animals,  and  it  is  believed  that, 
unless  the  criminal  class  of  dogs  undertakes  to  waylay  and 
rob  the  mail-cats,  the  messages  will  be  delivered  with  rapid- 
ity and  safety.  At  first  it  is  probable  that  the  new  method 
of  letter-carrying  will  be  patronized  chiefly  by  domestic 
servants,  since  the  kitchen  is  at  present  the  usual  habitat 
of  the  cat.  Cooks  and  policemen  will  not,  however,  be 
long  permitted  to  monopolize  the  services  of  so  swift  and 
discreet  a  messenger,  and  before  very  long  the  lover  will 
commit  his  daily  vows  to  the  safekeeping  of  his  mistress' 
Tabby,  and  the  Plymouth  people  will  attach  to  every  stray 
cat  that  may  come  within  their  reach  letters  involving  the 
most  tremendous  secrets,  which  they  will  implore  the  chance 
receiver  to  aid  them  in  keeping  inviolate. 


PSAMMETICHUS  AND    TAINE.  jg^ 


PSAMMETICHUS  AND  TAINE. 

Before  the  comparative  philologists  undertook  to  con- 
vince us  that  there  never  was  any  primeval  language,  but 
that  the  Ar3'an  races  always  conversed  in  a  graceful  inflect- 
ed tongue,  while  the  Turanians  always  indulged  in  grossly 
agglutinative  language,  it  was  firmly  believed  that  all  the 
languages  of  the  earth  had  sprung  from  one  original  mother 
tongue.  Various  attempts  were  made  to  ascertain  what 
language  most  nearly  resembled  the  primeval  speech.  King 
Psammetichus  of  Egypt  tried  to  solve  the  problem  by 
placing  two  infants  in  charge  of  a  deaf  and  dumb  shepherd, 
properly  equipped  with  bottles  and  things,  and  strictly  or- 
dered to  permit  no  human  being  to  hold  any  sort  of  conver- 
sation with  his  youthful  wards.  When  the  infants  reached 
the  age  at  which  all  properly-educated  Egyptian  children 
were  accustomed  to  converse  in  hieroglyphics,  by  the  sim- 
ple process  of  carving  their  views  in  regard  to  candy  and 
other  important  matters  on  the  sides  of  obelisks,  a  commit- 
tee was  sent  to  hold  an  interview  with  them.  The  children 
ran  to  meet  their  visitors,  and  instead  of  handing  them  a 
portable  obelisk  profusely  covered  with  requests  for  cake 
and  pennies,  loudly  and  with  much  iteration  remarked, 
"  Beccos."  The  astonished  committee  at  once  consulted 
the  unabridged  dictionaries  of  various  existing  languages, 
and  thereupon  announced  to  the  King  that  "  beccos  "  was 
the  Phrygian  word  for  bread,  and  that  he  might  therefore 
decide  that  the  Phrygian  language  was  the  primeval  lan- 
guage of  mankind. 

M.  Taine,  the  entertaining  author  of  a  History  of  Eng- 
lish Literature  that  deserves  to  rank  with  Gilbert  Becket's 
History  of  Rome,  appears  to  adhere  to  the  ancient  concep- 
tion of  a  primeval  language  in  spite  of  comparative  philolo- 
gists. He  has  even  tried,  in  a  modified  way,  the  experi- 
ment of  Psammetichus.  In  a  recent  article  in  the  Revue 
Philosophique^  he  asserts  that  the  first  word  used  by  his 


196 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


personal  infant,  on  reaching  the  age  of  fourteen  months, 
was  the  word  "  ham."  The  child  always  made  this  concise 
and  appropriate  remark  "when  hungry  or  thirsty."  M. 
Taine  does  not  seem  to  be  aware  that  "  ham"  is  an  Eng- 
lish word,  and  one  which  many  intelligent  English-speaking 
people  are  in  the  habit  of  using  when  hungry.  He  regards 
it  as  an  entirely  new  word,  invented  by  his  ingenious  infant 
to  express  phonetically  the  idea  of  hunger.  He  says  that  it 
is  a  sound  which  is  "  the  natural  vocal  gesture  of  a  person 
catching  something  in  his  mouth,"  as'  for  example,  flies. 
"  It  begins  by  a  guttural  aspirate,  not  unlike  a  bark,  and 
ends  by  the  lips  closing  as  if  the  food  were  seized  and 
swallowed."  This  ingenious  explanation  does  almost  as 
much  credit  to  M.  Taine's  imagination  as  does  his  History 
of  English  Literature,  but  it  is  entirely  unnecessary  to  im- 
pute to  an  innocent  babe,  an  attempt  to  supersede  French 
by  a  newly-invented  and  purely  phonetic  language. 

Those  who  do  not  accept  as  final  the  philologist's 
theory  that  the  respectable  Aryans  used  inflected  language, 
while  the  shameless  Turanians  habitually  used  agglutinative 
language,  will  interpret  the  results  obtained  by  the  experi- 
ments of  Psammetichus  and  Taine  in  a  way  entirely  dift'er- 
ent  from  that  in  which  they  have  hitherto  been  interpreted, 
and  will,  at  the  same  time,  furnish  a  new  argument  in  sup- 
port of  the  theory  of  an  original  and  universal  language. 
"  Beccos  "  may  be  a  Phrygian  word,  but  if  the  Eg}'ptian  in- 
vestigating committee  had  been  really  anxious  to  arrive  at 
the  bottom  facts,  they  would  have  easily  discovered  that 
the  word  is  merely  a  childish  corruption  of  the  English 
word  "breakfast."  In  fact  it  is  a  recognized  part  of  the 
nursery  dialect  of  England,  and  when  used  by  an  infant,  its 
meaning  is  never  misunderstood.  The  children  iipon  whom 
Psammetichus  experimented  were  admitted  by  the  investi- 
gating committee  to  be  hungry,  and  their  cry  for  "  beccos  " 
was,  in  a  measure,  properly  interpreted  to  mean  bread.  It 
also  meant  more,  inasmuch  as  it  meant  "  breakfast,"  with  all 
that  the  term  implies,  including  bread,  jam,  and  milk  and 
water.  This  ought  by  itself  to  suggest  that  English,  and 
not  Phrygian,  is  the  oldest  of  all  languages  ;  but  w^hen  it  is 
taken  in  connection  with  the  remark  of  M.  Taine's  excep- 


FOOD   AND  POISON. 


197 


tional  infant,  there  is  no  longer  any  room  for  doubt,  except, 
of  course,  in  the  mind  of  a  confirmed  comparative  philolo- 
gist. The  latter  infant,  when  hungry,  asks  for  "ham,"  hold- 
ing undoubtedly  that  every  intelligent  person  will  understand 
that  eggs  are  also  wanted,  and  that  hence  they  need  not  be  ex- 
pressly demanded.  When  hungry  Egyptian  children  ask  for 
breakfast  in  good  nursery  English,  and  a  modern  French  in- 
fant calls  for  ham  and  eggs  in  still  better  English,  we  need 
not  question  the  extreme  antiquity  of  the  English  tongue. 
Though  Psammetichus  and  Taine  babble  of  Phrvijian  and 
phonetic  words,  and  though  the  philologists  confront  us  with 
Sanscrit  dictionaries  and  denounce  us  with  insulting  and 
agglutinative  expressions,  we  can  calmly  trust  in  the  supe- 
riority of  our  facts  to  their  finely-spun  theories.  Doubtless 
Adam's  remark  to  Eve  was  a  suggestion  of  the  propriety 
of  "beccos,"  and  her  reply  was  a  special  plea  for  "  ham." 
M.  Taine  must  experiment  with  more  infants  and  interpret 
their  remarks  with  better  sucfcess  before  he  can  convince 
plain  and  common-sense  people  that  "ham  "  is  not  English, 
and  that  when  a  hungry  child  asks  for  ham,  it  is  merely 
tr}dng  to  invent  an  improved  dialect  of  "  Alwato." 


FOOD  AND  POISON. 

Every  one  knows  that  nearly  everything  which  is  bought 
from  grocers  and  provision  dealers  is  grossly  adulterated. 
At  least,  so  the  public  is  assured  by  sanitary  reformers. 
Temperance  lecturers  long  ago  demonstrated  that  instead 
of  making  beer  out  of  malt,  the  brewers  spend  enormous 
sums  of  money  in  manufacturing  that  popular  beverage  out 
of  costly  poisons  and  rare  pigments.  So,  too,  we  are  told 
by  persons  who  regard  coffee  as  a  demoralizing  and  deadly 
drink,  that  the  grocers  purchase  at  a  vast  expense  second- 
hand rosewood  coigns  which  they  grind  up  and  mingle 
with  a  small  proportion  of  the  genuine  Java  berry.  As  for 
milk,  it  is  notorious  that  no  living  milkman  ever  consented 
to  sell  the  pure  product  of  the  cow.  Indeed  the  real  rea- 
son of  the  hig^h  price  of  the  milk  of  commerce  is  the  cost 


I  gS  SIXTH  COL  UMN-  FANCIES. 

of  the  ingredients  which  enter  into  its  composition.  Of 
course,  there  are  rash  skeptics  who  affect  to  doubt  the  ex- 
treme wickedness  of  grocers  and  milkmen,  but  we  have  only 
to  read  one  of  the  numerous  sanitary  magazines  devoted  to 
the  humane  purpose  of  disquieting  the  human  stomach,  to 
know  that  we  are  fed  upon  poisons  and  nourished  by  dead- 
ly beverages  thinly  disguised  as  beer,  rum,  coffee,  and  milk. 

This  being  our  lamentable  condition  in  regard  to  our 
daily  food  and  drink,  we  need  not  be  surprised  to  find  that 
grocers  are  not  the  only  persons  who  commit  habitual  adul- 
terations. According  to  a  London  newspaper,  the  .drug- 
gists of  that  and  other  English  cities  are  guilty  of  the  crime 
of  adulterating  their  drugs.  Doubtless  the  same  practice 
prevails  here,  and  our  numerous  drug  stores  are  very  prob- 
ably filled  with  diluted  and  impure  drugs.  The  New  Jersey- 
man  who  in  midwinter  wisely  lays  in  a  barrel  of  quinine 
for  summer  use,  cannot  be  sure  that  he  is  not  buying  a 
drug  that  is  far  too  feeble  to* grapple  efficiently  with  the 
ague.  The  thoughtful  school-boy,  who  purchases  asafoetida 
with  a  view  to  quietly  disinfecting  his  school-room,  has  no 
certainty  that  the  drug  is  sufficiently  pure  to  overcome  the 
teacher's  obstinate  reluctance  to  dismiss  his  class.  Wives 
who  provide  themselves  with  arsenic  in  order  to  prevent 
possible  rats  from  invading  their  premises,  cannot  feel  cer- 
tain that  their  husbands  will  not  entirely  recover  from  any 
little  temporary  uneasiness  resulting  from  eating  home-made 
bread  ;  and  the  young  woman  whose  life  has  been  blighted 
by  the  fickleness  of  some  heartless  male  being  whose  vows 
are  as  false  as  his  jewelry,  may  find  that  the  druggist  from 
whom  she  has  purchased  Paris  green  has  palmed  off  upon 
her  an  adulterated  drug,  not  half  so  deadly  as  the  usual 
boarding-house  pie. 

The  practice  of  medicine  must,  of  course,  be  greatly 
interfered  with  by  the  sale  of  adulterated  drugs.  When 
cur  druggist  is  trustworthy,  there  is  some  satisfaction  in 
obtaining  a  medical  prescription  and  taking  it  to  him  to  be 
made  up.  We  are  then  reasonably  sure  that  we  shall  pro- 
cure something  that  will  taste  extremely  unpalatable  and 
that  will  create  a  wholesome  surprise  in  our  vital  organs. 
But  how  can  a  prescription  give  us  any  real  comfort  when 


FOOD  AND  POISON. 


199 


we  lack  faith  in  the  apothecary,  and  think  it  only  too  prob- 
able that  he  will  give  us  chalk  instead  of  magnesia,  and 
brick-dust  instead  of  rhubarb  ?  And  what  is  to  become  of 
our  merchant  marine  if  weak  Epsom  salts  and  adulterated 
castor  oil  are  supplied  to  our  sea  captains  ?  In  former 
days  when  a  sailor  became  ill — say  with  a  fractured  skull, 
with  typhoid  fever,  with  a  broken  rib,  or  any  other  of  the 
diseases  peculiar  to  seafaring  life — it  was  the  custom  of 
the  captain  to  administer  to  the  sick  man  a  tumblerful  of 
salts  and  castor  oil  in  equal  parts.  This  familiar  medicine 
was  held  to  be  a  specific  for  all  forecastle  diseases,  and  it 
is  quite  certain  that  a  single  dose  has  often  worked  a  cure 
so  rapidly  that  the  patient  has  either  returned  to  duty  or 
leaped  overboard  before  the  hour  of  the  second  dose  ar- 
rived. If  salts  are  to  lose  their  savor  and  castor-oil  become 
no  more  difficult  to  swallow  than  is  salad-oil,  ill  health  will 
prevail  in  the  forecastle  to  such  an  extent  that  our  ships 
will  be  without  enough  able-bodied  men  to  work  th^m  ; 
unless,  indeed,  a  resort  is  had  to  surgery,  and  the  officer 
assumes  the  risk  of  performing  hazardous  operations  with 
belaying  pins,  hand-spikes,  and  other  available  surgical 
instruments. 

Long  experience  has  shown  that  it  is  possible  to  drink 
adulterated  beer  and  coffee,  and  to  consume  sanded  sugar 
and  miscellaneous  sausages,  without  immediate  peril  to 
life.  We  cannot,  however,  afford  to  permit  our  drugs  to 
be  tampered  with.  Let  us  insist  upon  being  supplied  with 
pure  strychnine  and  arsenic,  and  with  medicines  that  will 
not  disappoint  the  just  expectations  of  undertakers,  and 
create  in  their  minds  a  prejudice  against  young  physicians 
just  beginning  their  career.  We  need  less  poison  in  our 
food  and  more  poison  in  our  drugs.  The  druggist  must 
not  fancy  that  the  surreptitious  medicine  supplied  to  us  by 
grocers  can  be  made  an  excuse  for  the  adulteration  of  drugs 
with  harmless  groceries.  Let  us  have  everything  in  its 
proper  place — groceries  at  the  grocer's  and  poisons  at  the 
druggist's.  The  efforts  of  druggists  and  grocers  to  quietly 
exchange  their  respective  trades  without  permitting  the 
public  to  be  made  aware  of  the  fact  should  be  resolutely 
opposed. 


20O  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


SURGICAL  ENGINEERING. 

It  is  not  very  long  since  a  beneficent  Frenchman 
swallowed  a  fork,  and  thereby  developed  a  series  of  delight- 
ful symptoms,  and  opened  the  way  for  a  surgical  excava- 
tion of  his  person,  which  filled  the  medical  profession  with 
unbounded  joy.  Encouraged  by  this  example,  a  second 
Frenchman  has  lately  swallowed  a  preparation  of  phosphorus, 
which  so  severely  burned  his  throat  as  to  compel  nature  to 
completely  close  that  avenue  to  alimentary  business.  By 
almost  superhuman  exertions  the  physicians  were  able  to 
save  this  man's  stomach,  but  it  was  evident  that  a  stomach 
to  which  the  owner  could  not  gain  access,  owing  to  the 
shutting  up  of  his  throat,  would  be  a  useless,  though  aggrava- 
ting organ.  In  these  circumstances  the  physicians  recalled 
the  case  of  the  man  who  had  swallowed  a  fork,  and  they 
argued  that  if  a  fork  can  be  safely  withdrawn  from  one 
stomach  by  tunnelling  from  the  exterior  of  the  body,  it- 
would  be  practicable  to  employ  a  like  process  to  convey 
food  to  another  stomach.  Thereupon,  the  aid  of  several 
able  surgical  engineers  was  sought,  and  a  shaft  was  sunk 
in  the  region  of  the  patient's  waistband.  Into  this  shaft  an 
India-rubber  tube  was  inserted,  and  when,  with  the  aid  of 
putty  or  some  similar  compound,  the  connection  between  the 
tube  and  the  stomach  was  made  air-tight,  it  was  found  that 
food  could  be  introduced  through  the  artificial  avenue  even 
more  easily  than  through  the  ordinary  style  of  aesophagus. 
The  man  is  now  perfectly  well,  and  owing  to  the  fondness 
of  the  medical  men  for  trying  experiments  upon  him,  is 
never  hungry.  Indeed,  it  is  said  that  he  is  exceedingly 
well  satisfied  with  the  success  of  the  surgical  engineers,  and 
that  he  takes  caster-oil  and  other  distasteful  drugs  with  a 
smiling  consciousness  of  his  great  superiority  to  persons 
who  cannot  swallow  anything  without  the  interference  of 
the  organ  of  taste. 

Although   at  first  glance  there  seems   to  be  something 
marvellous  in  the  idea  of  eating  and  drinking  by  way  of  an 


SURGICAL  ENGINEERING.  20 1 

abdominal  India-rubber  shaft,  there  is  really  no  great  dif- 
ficulty in  the  way  of  the  universal  adoption  of  the  new 
device.  It  is  neither  expensive  nor  difficult  to  drive  a 
small  tunnel  through  the  walls  of  the  abdomen,  and  there 
IS  no  reason  why  the  operation  should  be  a  dangerous  one. 
India-rubber  tubes  are  cheap,  and  putty  is  still  cheaper. 
Indeed,  there  are  very  few  men  so  poor  that  they  could  not 
afford  the  cost  of  an  India-rubber  food-pipe  \  while  its  ad- 
vantages are  so  many  and  incontestable  that  we  may  expect 
to  see  it  attain  a  sudden  and  general  popularity. 

The  present  style  of  throat  is  open  to  several  grave  ob- 
jections. It  is  narrow,  and  liable  to  become  choked  up 
with  bones,  buttons,  pins,  and  other  frequent  ingredients  of 
boarding-house  food.  Its  worst  feature,  however,  is  its 
close  association  with  the  organ  of  taste.  Nothing  can  be 
introduced  into  the  throat  without  having  first  passed  a 
strict  examination  on  the  part  of  the  tongue  and  palate,  and 
incurred  their  vigorous  protest  in  case  it  proves  disagreeable. 
Hence  arise  the  sufferings  which  men  undergo  who  are 
compelled  to  eat  ill-cooked  and  unsavory  food,  or  to  swallow 
unpleasant  medicines.  Once  safely  lodged  in  the  stomach, 
nothing  that  is  not  positively  unwholesome  gives  any  further 
trouble,  but  so  long  as  the  throat  affords  the  only  means  of 
access  to  the  stomach,  food  and  drugs  must  be  tasted 
before  they  reach  their  destination.  It  will,  of  course,  be 
said  that  the  sense  of  taste  has  its  compensations  as  well 
as  its  trials  ;  but  this  also  constitutes  an  objection  to  the 
process  of  imbibing  nourishment  by  way  of  the  aesophagus. 
It  is  the  very  fact  that  candy  and  cake  have  a  pleasant 
taste  which  induces  children  to  cry  for  them,  and  the  con- 
sumers of  ardent  spirits  and  mince-pie  excuse  their  weak- 
ness by  pleading  that  to  their  depraved  taste  these  deleteri- 
ous articles  are  surpassingly  delightful.  If  candy  and  cake 
and  pie  and  brandy  could  be  introduced  into  the  stomach 
without  tickling  the  palate,  they  would  lose  at  once  and 
forever  their  unfortunate  popularity.  This  can  be  accom- 
plished with  absolute  certainty  by  the  new  invention  of  the 
India-rubber  abdominal  tunnel,  and  hence  wise  men  have 
good  reason  for  preferring  it  to  the  objectional  aesophagus 
hitherto  in  use. 


2 o2  SIXTH  COL  UMiV  FANCIES. 

The  ease  and  rapidity  with  which  the  demands  of  the 
stomach  can  be  satisfied  under  the  new  system  constitute 
one  of  its  most  obvious  advantages,  and  ought  to  make  it 
especially  popular  with  railway  travellers.  By  the  aid  of  a 
small  portable  funnel,  breakfast,  consisting  of  coffee  and 
prepared  meat,  could  be  safely  swallowed — if  the  term  is 
applicable  to  the  process — in  from  one  to  two  minutes, 
while  dinner  would  occupy  but  a  trifle  longer.  A  self- 
feeding  clock-work  attachment  could  be  readily  devised 
which  would  fill  the  stomach  at  certain  fixed  interv^als  from 
a  pocket-reservoir.  Thus,  the  time  now  devoted  to  eating 
would  be  entirely  saved,  and  our  breakfasts  and  dinners 
would  occur  almost  without  our  knowledge.  All  mothers 
will  readily  appreciate  the  unequalled  opportunity  which 
the  stomach-tube  presents  of  feeding  children  with  those 
oatmeal  preparations  which  are  so  extremely  unpalatable 
that  they  are  universally  believed  to  be  exceedingly  whole- 
some. In  the  case  of  children's  tubes,  however,  it  would 
probably  be  found  necessary  ta  contrive  some  method  of 
closing  them  with  lock  and  key.  Otherwise,  the  dirt-pies  •  • 
which  infancy  delights  to  make,  but  which  even  the  boldest 
juvenile  throat  declines  to  swallow,  would  occasionally  be 
introduced  into  the  stomachs  of  infants  of  an  experimental 
turn  of  mind,  and  lead  to  consequences  almost  as  serious 
as  those  which  ordinarily  follow  the  consumption  of  stolen 
doughnuts  and  surreptitious  jam. 

Let  us,  then,  hasten  to  abandon  the  inefficient  and  ob- 
jectionable oesophagus,  and  adopt  an  invention  which  gives 
us  all  the  benefits  of  eating  and  drinking  without  the  labor 
and  inconvenience  which  have  hitherto  been  associated 
with  those  processes.  It  is  discreditable  to  us  that,  while 
we  have  been  improving  everything  about  us,  we  have 
remained  satisfied  with  our  own  bodies,  and  made  no  at- 
tempt to  improve  them.  P'or  as  many  years  as  man  has 
been  on  the  earth  he  has  been  content  to  reach  his  stomach 
by  a  long,  narrow,  roundabout  way,  when  a  little  energetic 
work  at  the  outside  of  his  abdomen  \vould  have  given  him 
an  infinitely  better  path.  The  race  that  has  tunelled  the 
Alps  and  covered  the  face  of  nature  with  railroad  trestles 
and  railroad  cuts,  ought  to  be   ashamed  to  cling  to  the  old- 


THE  B  OS  TON  ARCHCE OL  O GIS  TS.  2  o^ 

fashioned  aesophagus,  and  we  can  confidently  expect  that 
every  earnest  and  practical  man  will  promptly  take  measures 
to  provide  himself  with  a  stomach-tube,  and  to  thus  keep 
pace  with  the  spirit  of  the  age. 


THE  BOSTON  ARCH^OLOGISTS. 

The  trophies  of  Schliemann  disturb  the  sleep  of  the 
New  England  antiquarians.  A  wild  desire  to  go  some- 
where and  dig  up  something  is  at  present  characteristic  of 
every  antiquarian,  but  the  New  England  lover  of  the  antique 
is  true  to  his  protectionist  prejudices,  and  prefers  to  dig  at 
home  rather  than  abroad.  It  is  the  opinion  of  leading 
Bostonians  that  the  pauper  antiquities  of  despotic  Europe 
must  not  be  permitted  to  flood  the  market  and  drive  out 
American  antiquities,  and  that  true  patriotism  demands 
the  exhumation  of  valuable  archaeological  relics  on  this 
side  of  the  Atlantic.  Whereupon  the  Bostonians  are  now 
engaged  in  discussing  the  propriety  of  immediately  digging 
up  a  set  of  choice  antiquities,  such  as  the  Newport  Mill 
and  the  Dighton  Rock,  and  thus  showing  the  world  that 
New  England  can  hold  her  own  in  respect  to  archaeology 
with  either  Greece  or  Troas. 

The  so-called  Dighton  Rock  is  a  stone  in  the  Taunton 
River  covered  with  a  quantity  of  well-defined  scratches 
which  local  antiquarians,  who  are  interested  in  the  hotel 
business,  call  an  inscription.  This  alleged  inscription  is 
absolutely  undecipherable  and  is  hence  said  to  be  the  work 
of  early  Norse  explorers,  who  were  deficient  in  education 
an-d  consequently  wrote  very  illegibly.  If  it  is  really  a 
relic  of  the  Norsemen,  it  is  by  far  the  oldest  work  of  human 
hands  to  be  found  in  New  England.  The  dates  assigned 
to  it  by  rival  antiquarians  differ  to  some  extent,  but  all 
agree  that  it  is  even  older  than  Mr.  Adams,  and  that  it 
was  in  existence  before  the  first  voyage  of  Christopher 
Columbus.  Mr.  Ole  Bull,  the  eminent  violinist,  is  so  fully 
convinced  that  the  inscription  was  written,  as  an  advertise- 
ment, by  an  eminent  Norse  fiddler,  that  some  time  ago,  he 


2  o4  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

induced  a  learned  Danish  society  to  buy  it,  rock  and  all ; 
and  had  it  not  been  for  the  noble  conduct  of  certain  Bos- 
tonians,  who  induced  the  Danes  to  relinquish  their  pur- 
chase, the  inscription  would  now  be  in  Copenhagen,  and 
the  learned  Danish  society  hotly  quarrelling  over  its  mean- 
ing. 

The  other  day  the  Bostonian  archaeologists,  including 
Gov.  Rice  and  a  prominent  manufacturer  of  sewing-ma- 
chines, held  a  meeting,  and  discussed  the  Dighton  Rock 
with  a  degree  of  enthusiasm  seldom  displayed  since  Mr. 
Pickwick  discovered  his  ancient  inscription  at  Ipswich. 
One  learned  archaeologist  proved  that  the  inscription  was 
of  Norse  origin,  inasmuch  as  several  antiquarians  in  Den- 
mark and  in  England,  who  have  never  seen  it,  are  inclined 
to  iDelieve  that  it  must  have  been  made  either  by  the  Norse- 
men or  by  some  other  person  or  persons  unknown.  He 
also  urged  that  the  man  who  made  the  inscription  might 
possibly  have  been  called  Eric,  or  that  at  all  events  some 
other  Norseman  may  have  possessed  that  name,  and  that 
hence  a  statue  of  the  hypothetical  Eric  ought  to  be  erected 
at  once.  Another  archaeologist  asserted  that  the  Dighton 
Rock  was  the  only  inscribed  rock  in  New  England,  and 
that  this  fact  clearly  demonstrated  that  the  Norsemen 
were  the  first  human  beings  who  ever  landed  on  this  con- 
tinent. Having  thus  settled  the  question  of  the  true  nature 
of  the  marks  on  the  Dighton  Rock,  the  learned  archaeolo- 
gists were  in  a  glow  of  happiness  and  enthusiasm,  and 
would  doubtless  have  proceeded  to  appoint  a  committee  to 
solicit  subscriptions  in  New  York  and  Philadelphia  for 
money  wherewith  to  erect  a  statue  to  Eric,  had  not  a  pro- 
fane and  skeptical  person,  who  was  unfortunately  present, 
rose  up  and  indulged  in  remarks  which,  like  the  colored 
minister's  sermon  against  chicken-stealing,  cast  a  gloom 
over  the  meeting. 

This  objectionable  person  began  by  boldly  denying 
that  the  inscription  in  question  was  the  only  one  in  New 
England.  He  asserted  that  not  only  were  there  several 
such  inscriptions  wdthin  twenty  miles  of  Dighton,  but  that 
quantities  of  them  were  to  be  found  in  Maine,  Vermont, 
New  York,  and  Pennsylvania.  Furthermore,  he  claimed 
that  these  inscriptions  were  the  work  of  Indians,  and  that 


THE  BOSTON  ARCHCEOLOGISTS. 


205 


they  probably  commemorated  successful  scalping  expedi- 
tions against  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  or  other  barbaric  events 
of  contemporaneous  aboriginal  interest.  Finally,  he  insisted 
that  there  was  not  a  shadow  of  evidence  connecting  the 
Norsemen  with  the  Dighton  Rock,  and  was  evidently  in- 
clined to  think  that  Norsemen  who  could  not  write  their 
own  language  would  never  have  been  guilty  of  the  folly  of 
making  unintelligible  scratches  in  order  to  appal  the  In- 
dians with  a  pretense  of  vast  literary  skill. 

In  all  probability  the  depressed  archaeologists  would 
have  dispersed  in  silence,  and  mourned  in  private  over  the 
destruction  of  their  antiquarian  hopes  had  not  Mr.  Ole 
Bull  dropped  his  violin  and  courageously  rushed  to  the 
defense  of  the  Norsemen.  He  exhibited  to  the  unbelieving 
scoffer  a  photograph  of  the  Dighton  inscription,  and  sol- 
emnly asked  him  if  he  knew  what  it  meant.'*  The  scoffer 
calmly  replied  that  he  did  not,  and  was  thereupon  crushed 
by  being  advised  not  to  criticise  those  who  did.  Inasmuch 
as  no  human  being  has  ever  been  able  to  translate  the  in- 
scription, the  boldness  of  Mr.  Bull's  retort  was  really  sub- 
lime, and  it  rendered  the  scoffer  temporarily  dumb  with 
amazement.  The  archsologists  thereupon  seized  the  op- 
portunity to  adjourn,  and  in  all  probabilit}^  they  will  soon 
meet  in  secret,  free  from  the  presence  of  wicked  skeptics, 
and  solemnly  resolve  that  the  Dighton  Eockwas  originally 
scratched  by  Norsemen  who  invented  a  new  and  intricate 
language  for  that  occasion  only. 

If  they  are  wise  they  will  refrain  from  digging  up  the 
rock  and  placing  it  where  the  heartless  world  can  gaze 
upon  it.  Sooner  or  later  Mr.  Adams  will  see  it  and  will 
remember  that  he  made  the  inscription  during  his  pre- 
historic youth  by  splitting  kindling  wood  with  a  hatchet 
and  carelessly  permitting  the  blade  to  come  in  contact 
with  the  rock.  If,  however,  they  are  determined  to  dig  it 
up,  let  them  send  for  Dr.  Schliemann,  and,  after  explaining 
to  him  that  they  wish  to  find  the  skeleton  of  Eric,  together 
wdth  a  tin  box  containing  a  full  history  of  the  inscription, 
put  him  in  charge  of  the  affair.  He  will  promptly  discover 
anything  within  the  bounds  of  reason,  and  the  myth  of  the 
Norse  explorer  will  thus  be  converted  into  genuine  history, 
and  skeptics  and  scoffers  be  permanently  put  to  shame. 


2o6  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


THE  MISSING  LINK. 

The  absence  of  any  connecting  link  between  apes  and 
man  has  always  been  a  stumbling-block  in  the  way  of 
those  who  would  otherwise  fully  accept  the  Darwinian 
theory.  We  may  be  willing  to  admit  that  the  monkey,  by 
strict  industry  and  attention  to  business,  developed  him- 
self into  a  baboon,  and  that  the  earnest  and  ambitious 
baboon  gradually  became  an  eminent  and  esteemed  ape. 
Between  apes  and  men,  however,  there  is  a  vast  difference, 
and  hitherto  no  traces  have  been  found  of  any  intermedi- 
ate type.  If  we  could  only  find  a  fossil  ape  who  had  de- 
veloped trousers,  or  a  fossil  man  with  an  evident  and  re- 
spectable tail,  the  Darwinian  theory  would  receive  very 
strong  confirmation.  Its  present  supporters  admit  that  it 
is  impossible  to  suppose  that  some  prehistoric  ape  sud- 
denly twisted  off  his  tail,  cut  out  and  sewed  a  pair  of 
trousers,  and  thus  abruptly  transformed  himself  into  a 
,man  without  waiting  for  the  slow  process  of  development. 
They, have  conceded  that  the  link  between  the  simian  and 
the  human  animal  is  imperatively  needed  as  the  final  evi- 
dence of  the  truth  of  their  favorite  theory,  and  they  have 
been  inclined  to  resent  with  a  good  deal  of  bitterness  the 
failure  of  the  intermediate  ape-man  to  preserve  himself  in 
a  fossil  state  for  the  satisfaction  of  posterity. 

The  joy  with  vv'hich  Darwinians  will  learn  that  the  miss- 
ing link  has  at  last  been  found  can  hardly  be  overesti- 
mated. There  is  no  doubt,  however,  in  the  mind  of  Mr. 
Silas  Wilcox,  of  Prince  Edward  Island,  that  he  has  found 
the  identical  link,  and  that  he  now  has  it  in  his  front  par- 
lor ready  for  exhibition  to  such  scientific  persons  as  may 
be  willing  to  pay  him  a  reasonable  fee.  The  grand  dis- 
covery was  made  in  this  wise  :  Mr.  Wilcox  was  recently 
digging  for  peat  in  a  marshy  part  of  the  island,  and,  after 
reaching  a  depth  vaguely  described  as  "  considerable,"  he 
unearthed  the  skeleton  of  an  alleged  man.  The  skeleton 
resembled  that  of  a  man  of  average  height,  with  the  import- 


THE  MISSING  LINK.  207 

ant  exceptions  that  the  skull  was  flattened,  the  jaws  were 
extremely  prominent,  the  arms  were  excessively  long,  and 
the  spinal  column  was  prolonged  by  nineteen  vertebrae, 
forming  an  unmistakable  tail  of  at  least  eight  inches  in 
length.  Of  course  the  separate  vertebrae  were  unconnect- 
ed by  any  remnants  of  cartilage,  and  the  local  clergyman 
made  this  fact  an  excuse  for  the  suggestion  that  the  tail 
was  an  artificial  one  which  had  been  worn  by  the  owner  of 
the  skeleton  as  a  fashionable  ornament,  and  buried  with 
him.  The  weakness  of  this  feeble  effort  to  deprive  Dar- 
winians of  the  benefit  of  so  remarkable  a  skeleton  is  suffi- 
ciently apparent.  It  is,  of  course,  conceivable  that  the 
prehistoric  male  inhabitants  of  Prince  Edward  Island  were 
addicted  to  the  wearing  of  extraneous  tails,  but  it  is  in  the 
highest  degree  improbable  that  a  dying  man  would  pre- 
viously put  on  a  frivolous  and  fantastic  tail.  No  fashion- 
able lady,  in  her  last  moments,  requests  her  friends  to 
wrap  her  pull-back  skirt  about  her  and  bury  her  with  her 
bustle,  and  it  is  equally  improbable  that  the  prehistoric 
man  of  Prince  Edward  Island  permitted  thoughts  of  tails 
to  disturb  his  last  moments.  The  tail  of  Mr.  Wilcox's 
skeleton  is,  undoubtedly,  part  and  parcel  of  that  interest- 
ing anatomical  specimen  ;  and  that  the  skeleton  is  that  of 
an  animal  a  little  less  than  man  and  more  than  ape,  no 
reasonable  being  who  believes  in  Mr.  Wilcox's  veracity 
can  doubt. 

The  oddest  feature  of  this  discovery  is  the  light  it 
throws  upon  a  strange  custom  of  the  early  apes.  They 
evidently  used  Prince  Edward  Island  as  a  developing 
place.  When  an  ape  wanted  to  better  his  condition  by 
ascending  to  a  higher  scale  of  being,  he  took  passage  for 
the  island,  and  on  his  arrival  there  put  on  trousers  and  a 
silk  hat,  and  assiduously  practiced  the  art  of  walking  erect. 
No  ape  could  do  this  in  his  nativ^e  country  without  excit- 
ing the  derision  of  his  fellows.  At  Prince  Edward  Island, 
however,  he  would  meet  none  but  those  who  were  engaged 
in  similar  practices,  and,  like  the  patients  at  a  hydropathic 
hospital,  they  would  rigidly  abstain  from  laughing  at  one 
another.  It  is  probable  that  the  system  pursued  at  the 
island  gradually  eliminated  the   tails  of  the  patients,  and 


2o8  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

that  none  were  discharged  until  they  had  been  transformed 
into  tolerably  presentable  men.  This  would  fully  account  for 
the  failure  of  scientific  men  to  find  any  traces  of  the  miss- 
ing link  except  at  Prince  Edward  Island,  and  would  lead 
us  to  believe  that  the  skeleton  found  by  Mr.  Wilcox  be- 
longed to  a  patient  who  had  unfortunately  died  before  his 
development  had  been  fully  completed. 

However  this  may  be,  the  fact  remains  that  a  skeleton, 
simian  in  point  of  tail  and  arms,  but  human  in  all  other 
respects,  has  been  discovered  by  Mr.  Wilcox,  either  in  his 
peat  bog  or  in  the  bottom  of  his  brown  jug.  Beyond  all 
doubt  this  discovery  is,  in  the  estimation  of  the  Darwinians, 
the  greatest  discovery  of  the  century.  Mr.  Darwin  ought 
to  celebrate  it  by  a  magnificent  epic,  beginning,  "  Arms 
and  the  tail  I  sing,"  and  Mr.  Wallace  ought  to  instantly 
rectify  the  present  classification  of  mammalia,  by  adding 
to  the  order  of  bimana,  of  which  man  has  hitherto  been 
the  sole  specimen,  a  new  genus,  entitled  "  Homo  Wil- 
coxius." 


A  WARNING  TO  BRIDES. 

It  is  impossible  not  to  feel  a  lively  sympathy  for  the 
bereaved  bride  whose  husband  is  snatched  from  her  at  the 
foot  of  the  altar  or  in  front  of  the  private  desk  of  the  offi- 
ciating justice  of  the  peace,  as  the  case  may  be.  Especi- 
ally is  such  a  bride  to  be  pitied  when  she  loses,  through  her 
own  carelessness,  a  husband  whom  she  has  caught  after 
protracted  and  skilful  effort.  Such  is  the  misfortune  which 
has  lately  befallen  a  Connecticut  bride,  and  her  story  is  one 
which  conveys  a  wholesome  lesson  to  expert  but  over-confi- 
dent widows. 

The  bride  in  question,  Avhile  yet  a  blooming  and  ener- 
getic widow,  met  with  an  elderly  gentleman  of  eighty  years 
of  age,  and  an  indefinite  quantity  of  bonds  and  stock 
certificates.  In  spite  of  the  opposition  of  his  family,  she 
convinced  him  that  it  was  his  duty  to  marry  the  trusting 
and  ingenuous  woman  who  had   lavished   upon   him   hei 


A   WARXING  TO  BRIDES. 


209 


priceless  and  experienced  affections.  It  is  not  a  matter  of 
very  great  difficulty  for  a  skilful  widow,  or  other  astute 
woman,  to  hook  an  elderly  gentleman.  The  real  difficulty 
is  in  landing  him.  When  once  he  is  fastened  by  his  prom- 
ise, he  must  be  played  with  with  great  care,  or  he  will  escape 
before  he  is  finally  gaffed  by  an  efficient  marriage  ceremony. 
Until  then  he  is  always  prone  to  seek  refuge  in  inaccessi- 
ble places,  from  which  neither  coaxing  nor  petting  can  dis- 
lodge him,  or  to  suddenly  break  his  promise  and  dart  away 
into  some  secret  and  secure  hiding-place.  In  the  present 
instance  the  widow  played  her  prize  so  firmly  and  tenderly 
that  he  was  finally  successfully  landed.  Unfortunately, 
she  then  relaxed  her  vigilance,  never  dreaming  that  he 
would  so  far  revive  as  to  leap  back  into  his  original  celib- 
acy, and  accomplish  his  escape.  Let  other  widows  note 
her  carelessness  and  its  consequences,  and  save  themselves 
from  disappointment  and  humiliation. 

No  sooner  was  the  marriage  ceremony  ended  than  the 
happy  bride  directed  her  husband  to  run  back  to  his  house 
and  bring  his  bonds  and  mortgages,  so  that  they  might  be- 
gin to  enjoy  a  happy  honeymoon.  The  husband  went,  but 
as  soon  as  he  had  entered  his  house  he  was  seized  by  his 
relatives  and  safely  locked  up.  He  had  made  a  will  in 
their  favor,  and  they  had  no  intention  of  allowing  it  to  be 
unmade  by  a  new  and  unwelcome  wife.  His  prolonged 
absence  disturbed  the  bride,  who  sent  a  carriage  to  hasten 
his  return  ;  but  the  carriage  came  back  empty,  and  the 
driver's  mind  was  too  much  confused  by  strong  language, 
broken  crockery,  and  pails  of  wp,ter  to  explain  the  reason 
why  his  presentation  of  a  written  order  to  "  deliver  to 
bearer  one  (i)  elderly  bridegroom  "  had  given  rise  to  so 
much  vigorous  discussion.  The  bride  at  once  compre- 
hended the  true  state  of  affairs.  She  armed  herself  with 
a  pistol  and  a  stout  Irishman  and  stormed  her  husband's 
prison.  The  battle  was  short  but  fierce.  From  his  remote 
dungeon,  the  imprisoned  husband  could  be  heard  cheering 
on  the  assailants,  but  there  were  too  many  bolts  on  the 
front  door,  too  many  determined  maiden  sisters,  and  too 
much  available  crockery  in  the  house  to  render  its  capture 
possible  by  the  assaulting  column.     The  bride  was  beaten 

14 


2 1  o  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

back,  after  performing  prodigies  of  valor  witli  a  long  pole 
against  the  parlor  windows,  and  she  has  since  appealed  to 
the  law  for  assistance.  A  suit  for  the  forcible  theft  of  a 
valuable  husband,  whose  photograph  is  annexed  to  the 
complaint,  and  marked  "  Schedule  A,"  is  now  pending,  and 
it  remains  to  be  seen  whether  a  Connecticut  court  recognizes 
the  right  of  property  in  husbands,  or  whether  it  looks  upon 
them  2isfe?'ce  naturce,  and  hence  incapable  of  being  made 
the  subject  of  an  action  for  trover  and  conversion. 

The  lesson  conveyed  by  this  affecting  narrative  hardly 
needs  to  be  emphasized.  It  is  a  warning  to  widows  never 
to  let  a  freshly-caught  husband  pass  out  of  their  hands  \ 
but  to  carry  him  off  the  moment  the  marriage  ceremony  is 
completed,  and  to  keep  him  locked  up  until  his  spirit  is 
broken  and  the  rage, of  his  relatives  has  subsided.  Had 
the  Connecticut  bride  pursued  this  course,  she  would  not 
now  be  suffering  from  the  humiliation  of  having  her  hus- 
band locked  up  in  somebody  else's  two-pair  back,  while  she 
herself  cannot  stand  below  his  prison  windows  and  ask  for 
one  word  of  affection  from  his  beloved  lips,  and  one  five- 
dollar  bill  from  his  adored  pocket,  without  incurring  scath- 
ing insults  and  scalding  water  at  the  hands  of  her  husband's 
cruel  jailers.  Eternal  vigilance  is  the  price  of  an  elderly 
and  rich  husband,  and  widows  who  fancy  that  vigilance  be- 
comes unnecessary  as  soon  as  th^y  have  married  their  latest 
prize,  should  revise  that  opinion,  and  redouble  their  pre- 
cautions until  the  honeymoon  has  passed  at  least  through 
its  first  quarter. 


THE  SPIROPHORE. 

Hitherto  drowning  has  never  been  free  from  certain 
unsatisfactory,  not  to  say  unpleasant,  features.  Confucius 
has  ably  remarked  that,  when  a  man  drowns,  "  him  heap 
chokee,  chokee,"  and  experience  has  fully  confirmed  the 
sage's  assertion.  Moreover,  the  drowning  man  always  de- 
velops a  sudden  and  vivid  brightness  of  memory,  in  which, 
as  in  a  glass,  the  whole  history  of  his  life  is  spread  before 


THE  SPIROPHORE.  2 1 1 

him.  Thus  his  last  moments  are  embittered  by  the  rec- 
ollection of  the  money  he  has  lost  in  betting  on  elections, 
and  of  the  precious  opportunities  for  securing  an  accident 
insurance  policy  which  he  has  neglected.  Unpleasant  as 
these  incidents  of  drowning  must  necessarily  be,  the  igno- 
miny to  which  the  drowned  person  is  compelled  to  sub- 
mit at  the  hands  of  friends  and  creditors,  who»try  to  resus- 
citate him,  is  still  more  repugnant.  Ordinarily  he  is  rolled 
on  barrels,  in  a  posture  that  is  at  once  ridiculous  and  pain- 
ful. If  a  medical  man  is  permitted  to  experiment  on  him, 
the  helpless  victim  is  stood  on  his  head,  in  order  to  empty 
his  interior  of  superfluous  water,  and  he  is  then  sat  upon 
by  some  muscular  ruffian,  who  squeezes  his  ribs  and  takes 
liberties  with  his  diaphragm,  under  the  pretext  of  promot- 
ing artificial  respiration.  Nothing  can  be  more  humiliating 
than  the  situation  of  the  man  who  is  subjected  to  this  in- 
delicate process.  Undoubtedly,  it  often  proves  successful, 
for  a  person  must  be  unusually  dead  who  will  not  revive 
under  such  treatment  sufficiently  to  ask  for  a  club  or  a 
pistol  with  which  to  express  his  thanks  to  his  noble  pre- 
servers. Still,  when  one  reflects  upon  the  gross  liberties  to 
which  the  drowned  man  is  forced  to  submit,  and  the  con- 
tempt which  the  smallest  small-boy  must  inevitably  feel  for 
a  limp  citizen  forcibly  compelled  to  stand  on  his  head,  it 
is  evident  that  fastidious  persons  must  look  upon  drown- 
ing as  one  of  the  most  unsatisfactory  of  all  occupations. 

But  an  ingenious,  chivalrous,  and  delicate  Frenchman 
has  just  invented  a  machine  which  enables  even  the  most 
modest  man  to  be  drowned  and  resuscitated  with  ease, 
comfort,  and  perfect  dignity.  The  machine  is  called  a 
spirophore,  and  it  is  a  luxury  with  which  no  family  can 
afford  to  dispense.  The  spirophore  consists  of  a  hollow 
sheet-iron  cylinder,  closed  at  one  end  and  open  at  the 
other.  Into  this  the  drowned  man  is  inserted  feet  first, 
until  only  his  head  protrudes.  When  this  has  been  done, 
we  are  told  that  "  a  tightly-fitting  diaphragm  closes  the 
aperttire  about  the  neck."  Of  course,  the  object  of  this  is 
to  prevent  the  external  air  from  penetrating  into  the  cylin- 
der, and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  it  accomplishes  that  end. 
Nevertheless,  most   anatomists   would  be  puzzled  if  they 


2  1 2  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

were  required  to  place  a  man's  diaphragm  closely  about 
his  neck,  and  the  inventor  of  the  spirophore  ouglit  to  be 
told  that,  as  to  this  point,  his  directions  should  be  made 
plainer  and  more  specific.  When  the  tightly-fitting  dia- 
phragm is  thus  properly  adjusted,  an  air-pump  is  connect- 
ed with  the  cylinder,  and  a  few  strokes  of  the  piston  ex- 
hausts the  air  from  the  machine.  As  soon  as  the  patient's 
body  is  thus  relieved  of  the  weight  of  the  atmosphere,  the 
outer  air  immediately  rushes  into  his  mouth,  fills  all  the 
interstices  of  his  person,  and  thus  expands  his  chest.  Next, 
the  air  is  re-admitted  into  the  cylinder,  under  a  pressure 
somewhat  greater  than  that  of  the  atmosphere,  and  the 
lungs  of  the  patient  are  thus  sufficiently  compressed  to  ex- 
pel the  air  from  them.  By  repeating  those  two  processes 
alternately,  the  drowned  man  is  made  to  enjoy  all  the  com- 
forts of  respiration  without  the  least  trouble  or  exertion 
on  his  part,  and  in  the  course  of  an  hour  or  two  he  usually 
recovers,  and  feebly  suggests  pie  or  some  other  powerful 
stimulant.  Meanwhile,  his  children,  who,  under  the  old 
system,  would  have  fought  with  one  another  to  secure  front 
seats  for  the  entertaining  spectacle  of  their  parent  rolled 
on  a  barrel,  secure  a  great  d^al  of  innocent  enjoyment  by 
pounding  on  the  outside  of  the  cylinder  with  big  sticks 
and  singing  some  simple  but  reviving  hymn,  such  as  the 
"  Mulligan  Guards  "  or  "  Finnegan's  Wake."  When  the 
man  is  fully  resuscitated,  his  diaphragm  is  removed  from  his 
restored  neck  and  to  its  proper  position,  and  he  is  liberated 
from  the  cylinder,  after  giving  a  solemn  promise  to  pay  the 
expenses  of  the  affair,together  with  a  royalty  to  the  inventor 
of  the  machine.  Of  course,  he  emerges  in  a  damp  and 
somewhat  exhausted  condition,  but  he  has  the  proud  con- 
sciousness that  his  self-respect  has  not  been  impaired  by 
barrels,  and  that  he  has  not  been  outraged  by  the  manual 
squeezing  of  his  insulted  ribs. 

It  is  needless  to  point  out  that  every  family  residing  in 
the  neighborhood  of  water  more  than  a  foot  deep  should 
have  a  spirophore  always  in  readiness  for  immediate  use. 
When  not  needed  for  the  resuscitation  of  drowned  persons, 
it  would  prove  useful  in  a  variety  of  ways.  Infants  of  ex- 
cessive conversational  powers  could  be  placed  in  the  spiro- 


SOLAR  INSECURITY. 


213 


phore,  and  thus  compelled  to  breathe  with  a  slowness  and 
regularity  \i:hich  they  would  at  once  recognize  as  being  en- 
tirely incompatible  with  prolonged  remarks  concerning 
colic  and  pretended  pins.  As  defense  against  mosquitoes 
the  spirophore  would  also  be  extremely  efficacious,  pro- 
vided the  user  were  to  enter  it-head  first,  and  to  twist  his 
tightlyfitting  diaphragm  around  the  legs  of  his  protruding 
boots.  A  law  should  be  passed  requiring  every  ocean  mg^,- 
steamship  to  carry  a  spirophore  for  each  and  every  pas- 
senger, so  that  in  case  of  shipwreck  the  passengers  could 
be  promptly  resuscitated.  The  only  possible  objection  to 
the  machine  is  that  it  may  promote  the  practice  of  excess- 
ive drowning ;  since  every  small-boy  whose  parents  pos- 
sess a  spirophore  will  constantly  drown  his  sister,  in  order 
to  enjoy  the  excitement  of  witnessing  her  resuscitation. 
Still,' where  children  are  numerous,  and  the  spirophore  is 
allowed  to  get  out  of  order,  this  objection  would  generally 
be  considered  a  trivial  one,  and  most  persons  will  agree 
that  by  inventing  the  spirophore  the  ingenious  Frenchman 
has  deprived  drowning  of  its  most  unpleasant  features,  and 
earned  the  warm  gratitude  of  his  fellow-men. 


SOLAR  INSECURITY. 

On  the  night  of  the  24th  of  November  last  a  serious 
accident  occurred  in  the  constellation  of  the  Swan.  One 
of  the  smaller  stars  of  the  constellation  caught  fire  from 
some  unknown  cause,  and  the  flamiss  had  gained  such 
headway  before  the  astronomers  were  notified  that  all 
attempts  to  extinguish  them  were  manifestly  useless.  The 
fire  was  first  discovered  by  Prof.  Schmidt,  of  Athens  Uni- 
versity, who  promptly  gave  the  alarm,  and  in  a  short  time 
had  all  the  available  telescopes  in  Europe  pointed  at  the 
star,  although  they  produced  no  more  effect  than  would 
have  been  produced  by  so  many  hot-house  syringes.  For- 
tunately, the  conflagration  gradually  burned  itself  out 
without  extending  to   any  of  the   neighboring  stars,   and 


2 1 4  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

though  its  embers  are  still  glowing,  there  is  no  reason  that 
any  further  danger  should  be  apprehended. 

Although  the  destruction  by  fire  of  a  valuable  and  un- 
insured star  is  always  a  matter  to  be  regretted,  the  fire  of 
the  24th  of  November  w^i^s  so  remote  that  it  attracted  little 
attention  from  the  public.  Since  that  date,  however,  Prof. 
Proctor,  an  accomplished  sidereal  expert,  has  made  an 
official  investigation  into  the  origin  of  the  fire,  and  has 
arrived  at  results  which  are  full  of  interest  and  importance 
to  mankind.  Prof.  Proctor  asserts  that  the  star  was 
covered — rather  recklessly  as  it  seems  to  prudent  men — 
with  an  envelope  of  hydrogen  gas,  and  that  the  latter  caught 
fire,  possibly  from  a  match  drojDped  by  a  vagrant  comet, 
and  blazed  so  fiercely  as  to  wrap  the  whole  star  in  flames. 
He  does  not  say  whether  or  not  there  were  any  means  at 
hand  for  extinguishing  the  fire.  That  is  a  question  which 
it  is  now  too  late  to  press.  What  we  do  know  is  that  the 
moment  the  hydrogen  caught  fire  the  star  was  doomed,  no 
matter  how  abundant  the  w^ater-supply  may  have  been  or 
how  efficient  may  have  been  the  local  fire  department. 

Having  thus  ascertained  the  proximate  cause  of  the 
disaster.  Prof.  Proctor  proceeds  to  call  attention  to  the 
alarmingly  unsafe  condition  of  our  sun.  Not  only  is  the 
sun  entirely  surrounded  with  an  enormously  thick  covering 
of  hydrogen,  but  on  some  occasions  the  latter  has  undoubt- 
edly been  on  fire  to  a  greater  or  less  extent.  Like  the 
recently-destroyed  star  in  the  constellation  of  the  Swan, 
the  sun  is  rushing  through  space,  dragging  its  train  of 
planets  with  it,  and  evidently  striving  to  reach  some  distant 
and  unknown  station  situated,  far  beyond  the  edge  of  the 
largest  sidereal  map.  Neither  Prof.  Proctor  nor  any  other 
astronomer  has  a  copy  of  the  celestial  time-table,  and  hence 
we  do  not  know  whether  the  sun  is  running  on  schedule 
time  or  not.  What  does  have  a  very  suspicious  look  is  the 
fact  discovered  last  summer  by  Secchi,  the  Italian  astrono- 
mer, that  unusually  large  quantities  of  magnesium,  a  metal 
that  develops  intense  heat  when  burning,  were  used  as  fuel 
in  the  solar  furnace  in  July  and  August  last.  Now,  when 
a  Mississippi  engineer  feeds  his  furnaces  with  pitch  and 
turpentine,  it  is  because   his   boat  is   behind  time  or  is 


SOLAR  INSECURITY.  215 

engaged  in  racing.  The  sun  may  be  travelling  at  its  usual 
rate,  but,  on  the  other  hand,  it  may  be  trying  to  make  up 
lost  time,  or  may  be  racing  with  Sirius,  Arcturus,  or  some 
other  fast  star.  In  such  case,  we  could  easily  understand 
the  reason  for  the  exceptional  use  of  magnesium  as  fuel, 
and  we  should  have  abundant  reason  to  dread  an  explosion 
or  other  terrible  catastrophe.  Even  if  the  sun  is  quietly 
proceeding  on  its  way  without  making  any  unusual  effort, 
the  danger  that  its  hydrogen  envelope  will  take  fire  and  be 
jjartially  or  totally  consumed  is  sufficiently  great  to  excite 
in  us  the  liveliest  apprehensions.  Prof.  Proctor  assures  us 
that  should  such  an  accident  occur,  the  heat  would  be  so  tre- 
mendous that  human  life  would  be  totally  extinguished.  In 
order  to  produce  this  terrible  result  it  would  not  be  neces- 
sary that  the  entire  sun  should  be  consumed,  for  a  fire  that 
should  destroy,  say  a  quarter  of  its  hydrogen  envelope, 
would  roast  the  earth  till  its  surface  would  be  a  mere  black 
ened  crisp. 

It  has  been  already  remarked,  this  hydrogen  has  more 
than  once  caught  fire,  apparently  from  causes  existing  in 
the  sun  itself.  Prof.  Proctor  now  points  out  an  additional 
source  of  danger  in  the  reckless  conduct  of  irresponsible 
comets,  which  are  constantly  passing  to  and  fro  in  the 
neighborhood  of  the  sun.  Any  one  of  these  celestial  tramps 
may  set  the  hydrogen  on  fire,  either  accidentally  or  purpose- 
ly, in  such  a  manner  as  to  insure  a  tremendous  conflagration. 
If  "\ve  can  imagine  a  powder  magazine  with  a  large  fire 
burning  in  close  proximity  to  the  powder,  to  which  fire 
tramps  are  constantly  coming  to  warm  themselves  and  to 
light  their  pipes,  we  shall  have  a  fair  idea  of  the  frightfully 
dangerous  condition  of  the  sun.  And  this  state  of  things 
has  existed,  no  man  and  no  astronomer  knows  how  long, 
and  were  it  not  that  the  accident  in  the  Swan  led  Prof. 
Proctor  to  investigate  the  condition  of  the  sun  we  should 
never  have  suspected  the  danger  that  menaces  us. 

Of  course,  our  first  duty  is  to  inquire  wdiat  measures  of 
safety,  if  any,  we  ought  to  take.  It  is  distressing  to  learn 
that  Prof.  Proctor,  with  all  his  experience,  has  nothing  to 
suggest,  and  that  no  other  astronomer  is  likely  to  give  us 
any  aid.     There   is  no   Department  of  Public   Buildings 


2 1 6       .  ^^X  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

which  has  any  jurisdiction  in  the  sun,  by  virtue  of  which  it 
could  make  the  usual  recommendation  that  buckets  of  water 
should  be  kept  constantly  within  reach,  and  that  the  means 
of  exit  should  be  increased.  So  far  as  can  be  seen,  we 
must  content  ourselves  with  hoping  that  the  hydrogen 
envelope  will  not  be  brought  in  contact  with  fire,  and  that 
comets  will  see  the  propriety  of  conducting  themselves  in 
an  orderly  manner  while  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  sun. 
Unless  Mr.  Proctor  has  been  grossly  deceiving  us,  the  sun 
is  liable  at  any  moment  to  burst  into  flames,  and  we  are 
powerless  to  prevent  the  catastrophe.  Our  only  possible 
expedient  in  such  a  contingency  would  be  to  paint  our- 
selves with  a  solution  of  tungstate  of  soda,  but  when  we 
remember  that  a  grand  solar  conflagration  would  probably 
rage  for  five  or  six  weeks  before  burning  itself  out,  we  can 
perceive  how  little  confidence  could  be  placed  in  tungstate 
of  soda  or  any  other  incombustible  preparation  known  to 
chemistry. 


WANDERING  HOUSES. 

The  wild  animals  of  Long  Island  have  been  pretty 
thoroughly  extirpated,  except,  of  course,  at  Huntington. 
There  is  an  occasional  deer  to  be  shot  on  Montauk  Point, 
and  the  fierce  and  sanguinary  woodchuck  still  lingers  in 
the  forests  of  the  North  Shore,  but  the  bold  German  hunts- 
man, w^ho  tramps  over  Queen's  County  in  company  with 
his  Spitz  dog  and  Belgian  gun,  rarely  slays  anything  more 
dangerous  than  the  wild  robin  or  the  depraved  cat-bird. 
Nevertheless,  a  strange  tendency  to  revert  to  the  savage 
state  has  of  late  been  shown  by  the  houses  of  Long  Island. 
The  meekest  meeting-houses  and  the  tamest  cottages  have 
developed  a  lawless  thirst  for  adventure,  which  impels  them 
to  wander  away  from  their  accustomed  localities,  and  to 
roam  the  face  of  the  country  as  if  they  were  habitual  pho- 
tographic wagons  or  confirmed  gypsy  tents. 

This  singular  tendency  was  first  developed  among  the 
houses  of  Flushing.     A  quiet  Baptist  meeting-hoqse,  which 


WANDERING  HOUSES.  217 

had  never  shown  the  slightest  sign  of  restlessness,  suddenly- 
left  its  usual  haunt,  and  proceeded  at  a  leisurely  rate  up 
the  main  street  of  the  village.  It  was  at  first  supposed 
that  it  intended  to  make  its  way  to  the  water,  but  instead 
of  so  doing,  it  wandered  aimlessly  through  the  village, 
until  it  was  finally  caught  by  a  few  determined  men,  and 
confined  in  a  strongly-fenced  yard.  Its  example  was  soon 
followed  by  a  full-grown  Methodist  meeting-house,  which 
escaped  from  its  yard  one  afternoon,  and  created  a  panic 
among  the  horses  by  its  obstinate  determination  to  monop- 
olize the  highway.  For  fully  a  fortnight  this  fierce  build- 
ing infested  the  streets.  Every  morning  it  would  be  found 
in  a  new  locality,  and  bearing  the  most  painful  evidences 
of  having  been  out  all  night.  On  one  or  two  occasions  it 
was  found  in  the  gutter  in  a  muddy  and  frightfully  disrepu- 
table condition,  and  it  was  at  one  time  feared  that  it  would 
make  a  violent  attack  upon  the  Episcopal  church,  so  pro- 
longed was  its  stay  in  front  of  that  inoffensive  edifice. 
After  a  time  the  more  hardy  villagers  rallied,  and  by  a  vig- 
orous attack  overpowered  it,  and  dragged  it  into  a  side 
street  where  it  was  hastily  secured.  It  has  since  been 
quite  docile,  but  should  the  sexton  accidentally  leave  the 
front  gate  open,  it  is  very  probable  that  it  would  seize  tlie 
opportunity  to  make  its  escape  and  renew  its  wandering 
and  dissolute  habits. 

Seven  miles  from  Flushing  is  Hunter's  Point.  Whether 
the  houses  of  the  latter  place  heard,  in  some  mysterious  way, 
of  the  conduct  of  the  Flushing  meeting-houses  is  not  known. 
It  is  certain,  however,  that  the  general  outbreak  of  the 
Hunter's  Point  houses  occurred  soon  after  the  disturbances 
at  Flushing.  Whole  rows  of  houses  were  simultaneously 
affected.  At  one  period  the  streets  were  full  of  wandering 
houses.  Here  a  disreputable  grocery  staggered  shameless- 
ly through  the  mud,  and  there  a  timid  cottage  crept  through 
an  unfrequented  street  with  the  evident  intention  of  con- 
cealing itself  in  the  distant  meadows.  The  Hunter's  Point 
citizen  who  left  his  house  in  the  morning  never  knew  where 
to  look  for  it  at  night.  This  state  of  things  naturally  be- 
came intolerable,  and  the  stray  houses  were  finally  captured 
by  the    aid   of  well-trained   steam-engines    and   sagacious 


2 18  SIXTH  COL UMN  FANCIES. 

hydraulic  jacks,  and  the  town  has  naw  resumed,  to  some 
extent  its  normal  appearance. 

So  far,  the  Long  Island  houses  had  shown  no  actual 
hostility  to  mankind  and  had  apparently  no  other  object 
in  view  than  that  of  escaping  from  confinement.  The  other 
day,  however,  an  escaped  house  made  a  determined  attack 
upon  a  Long  Island  railway  train.  The  incident  occurred 
near  the  village  of  Hillside,  and  although  it  caused  much 
anxiety  and  delay,  it  did  not  result  in  bloodshed.  The 
house,  which,  though  undersized,  was  powerfully  built  had 
evidently  been  at  large  for  some  time,  fqr  it  had  a  soiled 
and  travel-worn  look^  and  was  perhaps  suffering  from  the 
pangs  of  hunger.  It  placed  itself  directly  across  the  rail- 
road, and  for  several  hours  disputed  the  passage  of  any 
train.  It  could  not  be  coaxed  from  its  position  nor  driven 
away  by  threats.  The  whistle  of  the  locomotive  did  not 
terrify  it  in  the  slightest  degree,  and  the  tempting  display 
of  prize  packages  of  candy  could  not  lure  it  from  the  track. 
In  this  emergency  the  threatened  passengers  felt  that  there 
was  no  hope  except  in  Poppenhusen.  To  him  they  appealed, 
and  he  generously  heard  their  cry.  A  fearless  and  fero- 
cious locomotive  was  brought  from  Hunter's  Point,  and 
loosed  upon  the  still  defiant  house.  With  a  hoarse  yell 
the  locomotive  sprang  upon  its  prey,  and  in  a  few  moments 
so  severely  lacerated  it  that  it  could  no  longer  offer  any 
serious  resistance. 

There  is  every  reason  to  believe  that  this  strange  form 
of  madness  which  has  already  seized  upon  so  many  houses 
will  continue  to  spread.  It  is  evidently  infectious  in  its 
character,  though  sporadic  cases  occur,  the  origin  of  which 
cannot  be  traced.  Darwinians  see  in  it  a  new  confirmation 
of  the  development  theory,  since  the  return  to  savage  and 
nomadic  life  on  the  part  of  a  staid  meeting-house,  and  other 
civilized  buildings,  is  a  fresh  proof  that  our  present  race 
of  houses  has  been  developed  from  the  wild  tent  of  pre- 
historic ages.  The  evil  must  be  met  with  prompt  repressive 
and  preventive  measures,  or  Long  Island  will  become  a 
howling  wilderness,  swarming  with  ferocious  houses,  which, 
either  singly  or  in  packs,  will  hunt  down  the  railway  trains 
and  waylay  incautious  men,  women  and  cattle. 


ICE-WATER. 


219 


Common  prudence  suggests  that  every  Long  Island 
house-owner  should  look  well  to  his  gate  fastenings,  and 
keep  his  house  chained  up  night  and  day.  Where  fences 
and  chains  cannot  readily  be  procured,  large  yokes, 
modelled  after  the  familiar  pig-yoke,  should  be  fastened 
upon  the  houses,  so  that  in  case  they  do  escape,  they  can- 
not leap  fences  or  force  their  way  through  narrow  openings. 
All  houses  found  on  the  streets  should  be  instantly  de- 
stroyed by  proper  officers  appointed  for  the  purpose.  In 
additipn  to  these  measures,  the  Long  Islanders  should 
treat  their  houses  with  kindness,  and  thus  strengthen 
their  attachment  to  their  owners.  A  few  coats  of  paint, 
or  a  new  tin  roof,  judiciously  bestowed  upon  a  house  may 
secure  its  lasting  affection.  The  truth  is  we  do  not  treat 
our  houses  with  the  care  that  they  deserve,  and  doubtless 
this  has  had  its  share  in  reviving  in  the  houses  of  Long 
Island  the  long  dormant  love  of  the  wild,  free  life  of  the 
Asian  steppes. 


ICE-WATER. 

Every  one  except  the  amateur  or  professional  drunkard 
admits  that  ardent  spirits  ought  not  to  be  used  as  a  bever- 
age in  hot  weather.  They  simply  increase  the  heat  of  the 
system  and  thus  give  aid  and  comfort  to  the  thermometer 
in  its  summer  assaults  on  the  lives  and  collars  of  the  human 
race.  The  English  troops  in  the  torrid  zone  were  former- 
ly addicted  to  the  excessive  use  of  brandy  as  a  supposed 
prophylactic  against  malarial  diseases.  Experience,  how- 
ever, demonstrated  that  the  brandy-drinkers  did  not  with- 
stand the  climate  nearly  as  w-ell  as  did  the  men  of  more 
temperate  habits.  It  is  true  that  one  English  Temperance 
Society,  which  had  undertaken  to  collect  statistics  on  this 
subject,  was  recently  shocked  by  the  official  statement  that 
of  the  "  teetotalers  "  belonging  to  a  regiment  stationed  at 
Sierra  Leone,  fifty  per  cent,  had  died  and  fifty  per  cent,  had 
been  invalided.  Further  inquiry,  however,  showed  that 
the  whole  number  of  "  teetotalers  "  in  question  was  two,  and 


2  2  o  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

that  one  had  died  of  snake-bite  and  the  other  had  broken 
his  leg;  while  the  statistics  concerning  the  mortality  of 
brandy-drinkers  were  such  as  to  fill  the  "  teetotal  "  mind 
with  joy  and  triumph. 

It  is  an  abuse  of  language  to  style  a  man  temperate 
merely  because  he  does  not  drink  ardent  spirits.  The  truth 
is  that  many  so-called  temperate  people,  who  decline  to 
look  upon  the  wine  not  only  when  it  is  red,  but  also  when 
it  is  yellow,  as  in  the  case  of  egg-nogg,  are  extremely  in- 
temperate. While  there  is  no  doubt  that  intemperance  in 
the  use  of  ardent  spirits  is  one  of  the  most  deadly  evils  in- 
cident to  civilization,  it  is  equally  true  that  intemperance 
in  the  use  of  ice-water  is  rapidly  undermining  the  constitu- 
tion of  American  men  and  women.  As  a  nation,  we  are 
fearfully  addicted  to  cold  drinks,  and  there  is  imperative 
need  of  an  organized  movement  to  fight  the  demon  of  ice- 
water. 

Strange  as  it  may  seem  to  the  conscientious  man  who 
comprehends  the  deleterious  effects  of  cold  drinks,  there 
are  thousands  of  our  best  and  noblest  citizens  who  are  vic- 
tims of  the  cold-water  habit.  They  begin  the  day  with  one 
or  more  glasses  of  ice-water  before  breakfast.  During  that 
meal  they  frequently  turn  from  the  coffee  which  cheers  but 
does  not  inebriate — in  case  it  is  sufficiently  adulterated 
with  the  simple  and  healthful  bean — and  satisfy  their  de- 
praved thirst  for  water.  On  their  way  to  their  business 
they  stop  at  the  numerous  drug  stores  which  shamelessly 
flaunt  their  soda-water  fountains  in  the  face  of  the  public, 
and  hastily  pour  down  the  deadly  ice-water  which  pervert- 
ed ingenuity  makes  palatable  with  creams  and  syrups.  In 
the  office  or  the  store,  the  water-cooler,  filled  with  the  stom- 
ach and  tooth  destroying  beverage  is  always  at  hand,  and 
when  the  water-drinkers  return  home  after  a  day  of  con- 
stant drinking,  they  too  often  spend  the  greater  part  of  the 
night  in  solitary  and  aquarial  debauchery. 

The  result  of  this  pernicious  practice  has  been  to  fill 
the  country  with  a  class  of  stomachs  that  are  incapable  of 
any  earnest  digestive  efforts,  and  to  crowd  the  chairs  of 
busy  dentists.  American  stomachs  and  American  teeth  are 
daily  growing  feebler,  and  the   time  is  apparently  at  hand 


SPIRITUAL  SPORT.  221 

when  a  set  of  false  teeth  will  be  presented  to  every  new- 
born infant  at  the  same  time  that  he  receives  his  first  India- 
rubber  ring,  and  when  all  sorts  of  ston>ach  bitters  and 
digestive  pills  will  invariably  supplement  his  daily  meals. 
For  this  state  of  things  ice-water,  either  in  its  undisguised 
form,  or  in  the  shape  of  soda-water  is  responsible.  And 
the  worst  of  it  is  that  the  victims  of  the  water-habit  are  the 
very  men  who  form  our  temperance  societies  and  who 
fancy  themselves  temperate  because  they  never  drink  any- 
thing but  water. 

Water  is  undoubtedly  the  most  wholesome  beverage 
which  we  can  use,  but  there  is  a  vast  difference  between 
water  at  a  safe  and  natural  temperature  and  the  ice- water 
which  alone  satisfies  the  unholy  cravings  of  the  American 
throat.  Let  us  by  all  means  drink  water,  but  let  us  de- 
cline to  endanger  our  health  and  degrade  ourselves  below 
the  level  of  the  beasts  by  drinking  inordinate  quantities  of 
ice-water.  There  is  not  a  single  animal — except  man — 
which  ever  dreams  of  contaminating  wholesome  w^ater  with 
ice.  The  ordinary  water  of  the  hydrant  and  the  faucet 
satisfies  the  thirst  of  the  wild  elephant  and  the  domestic 
cat.  Poor  fallen  human  nature,  on  the  contrary,  longs  for 
ice,  and  gratifies  its  corrupt  cravings  at  the  cost  of  outraged 
stomachs  and  ruined  teeth. 


SPIRITUAL  SPORT. 

The  fine  athletic  sport  of  spook-catching  which  was  so 
lately  introduced  to  the  American  public  by  Mr.  Crum,  of 
Rochester,  bids  fair  to  become  extremely  popular.  No 
sooner  had  that  gentleman  described  in  eloquent  terms 
the  exciting  character  of  the  sport  than  two  physicians, 
residing  in  Portland,  Me.,  immediately  equipped  them- 
selves and  started  forth  in  search  of  game.  They  were 
much  more  successful  than  Mr.  Crum,  who,  it  will  be 
remembered,  hooked  a  fine  one  hundred  and  fifty  pound 
ghost,  but  was  unfortunately  unable  to  land  it.  The  two 
Portland  doctors   not  only  hooked  a  large   and  powerful 


2  2  2  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

spook,  but  they  also  dragged  it  out  of  its  spiritual  element, 
and  exhibited  it  with  paVdonable  triumph  to  a  host  of 
astonished  and  delighted  Portlanders.  Such  a  feat  de- 
serves Xx^  be  fully  chronicled,  especially  as  the  method 
pursued  by  the  sportsmen  may  afford  useful  hints  to  other 
amateur  ghost-catcl^ers. 

More  than  a  year  ago  Mrs.  Hull,  an  industrious  spiritual 
medium,  established  a  preserve  of  materialized  ghosts  in 
her  house  in  Portland.  The  superiority  of  her  artificially 
bred  ghosts  over  the  v/ild  ghosts  of  the  graveyard  and  the 
traditional  haunted  house  was  soon  generally  acknowl- 
edged. From  behind  a  curtain  hung  across  a  corner  of 
her  dining-room  she  would  produce  ghosts  of  all  sizes  and 
of  any  desired  sex  in  unlimited  quantities.  Her  male 
ghosts  were  not,  perhaps,  as  large  as  those  produced  by 
the  Eddy  brothers,  but  they  were  plump  and  well  propor- 
tioned, while  her  female  ghosts  were  remarkable  for  their 
grace  and  beauty.  Of  course  she  exhibited  only  one  ghost 
at  a  time — for  ghosts  are  well  known  to  be  unsocial,  and 
to  object  in  the  most  decided  manner  to  materializing  in 
squads,  or  even  in  couples.  Now  and  then  a  wicked 
skeptic  insisted  that  Mrs.  Hull  personated  each  and  every 
one  of  her  ghosts,  but  recently  she  adopted  the  plan  of 
permitting  the  hem  of  her  skirt  to  project  under  the  edge 
of  the  curtain  behind  which  she  sat  while  professionally 
employed,  and  thus  convinced  the  public  that  she  could 
not  be  playing  the  part  of  a  ghost  on  the  platform  while 
her  skirt  remained  behind  the  curtain. 

Now,  it  so  happened  that  Portland  possessed  two 
learned  physicians,  whose  knowledge  of  physiology  and 
anatomy  was  so  profound  that  they  knew  it  to  be  possible 
for  a  w^oman  to  exist  separate  and  apart  from  her  skirt. 
These  two  learned  men  were  also  fond  of  athletic  sports, 
and  they  determined  to  try  their  luck  at  ghost-catching. 
In  pursuance  of  this  design,  they  systematically  scattered 
ground-bait  in  Mrs.  Hull's  ghost  preserve  by  professing  an 
earnest  belief  in  spiritualism  and  by  carefully  suppressing 
their  knowledge  that  Mrs.  Hull  could  maintain  an  inde- 
pendent existence  when  separated  from  her  skirt.  This 
astute  course  had  its  natural  results.     The  ghosts  lost  all 


SPIRITUAL  SPORT. 


223 


fear  of  the  two  doctors,  and  when  the  latter  were  present 
in  Mrs.  Hull's  dining-room  whole  schools  of  ghosts  would 
float  out,  one  by  one,  from  the  cabinet,  and  gaze  fearlessly 
and  lovingly  at  the  two  good  medical  men. 

Finally  the  evening  arrived  which  the  sportsmen  had' 
fixed  upon  as  the  time  for  capturing  a  ghost.  They  were 
seated  close  to  the  platform,  where  they  watched  the  smaller 
fry  of  miscellaneous  ghosts  come  and  go.  Presently  a 
fine  plump  female  ghost  floated  towards  them.  To  this  ghost 
the  strongest  medical  man,  after  making  sure  that  his  wife 
was  not  present,  addressed  the  insinuating  question,  "Will 
you  touch  my  hand,  dear?"  The  over-confident  ghost 
acceded  to  the  request,  and  placed  her  spiritual  fingers 
within  the  doctor's  expanded  hand.  Quick  as  thought  the 
medical  sportsman  closed  his  hand,  and  began  to  haul  in 
his  prey.  The  ghost  was  a  game  one,  and  fought  desper- 
ately, but  the  sportsman  played  her  with  great  skill,  and 
steadily  drew  her  towards  him.  At  last  exhaustion  over- 
came her,  and  her  captor  was  able  to  gently  remove  her 
veil  and  exhibit  her  as  the  identical  Mrs.  Hull,  whose 
skirt  was  still  visible  underneath  the  curtain  of  the  cabinet. 
Instantly  the  second  doctor  drew  aside  the  curtain  and 
showed  an  empty  chair  and  a  collapsed  skirt,  while  Mr. 
Hull,  an  alleged  man,  attached  to  Mrs.  Hull  in  the  capacity 
of  husband,  nobly  came  forward  and  stated  that  "it  was 
all  her  doin's,"  and  that  "he  didn't  know  nothin'  about 
it." 

This  capture  reflects  the  utmost  credit  upon  the  two 
accomplished  sportsmen,  and  shows  that  ghosts  may  be 
taken  with  the  bare  hand,  provided  they  are  previously 
rendered  somewhat  tame  by  lavishly  feeding  them  with  the 
ground-bait  of  flattery  and  professed  confidence.  We  are 
inclined  to  think,  however,  that  trolling  will  prove  to  be 
the  best  method  of  ghost  catching.  No  spoon  need  be 
used,  but  the  sportsman  has  only  to  attach  a  gang  of  large 
hooks  to  a  stout  line,  and  to  draw  it  gently  over  the  stage. 
The  ghost  will  not  notice  the  hooks  in  the  dim  light,  but 
as  she  wanders  up  and  down  the  platform  she  will  cer- 
tainly brush  against  them.  A  quick  pull  on  the  line  will 
stick  the  hooks  into  the  ghost's  skirts  or  shoes,  and  there 


2  24  SIXTH  COL  UMlSr  FANCIES. 

will  be  no  difficulty  in  landing  the  game,  provided  the 
tackle  is  sufficiently  strong.  It  is  also  probable  that  ghosts 
may  be  taken  with  a  fly,  made  in  the  shape  of  a  new 
bonnet,  and  deftly  thrown  immediately  in  front  of  the 
ghost,  or  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  cabinet  in  which  the 
ghosts  are  known  to  lurk.  However,  the  sport  is  yet  in 
its  infancy,  and  it  would  be  unsafe  to  decide  absolutely  in 
favor  either  of  the  trolling  line  or  the  fly.  That  it  is 
wholesome  and  delightful  sport,  in  whatever  way  it  ma}^  be 
practiced,  there  is  no  doubt,  and  as  the  ghost  season  is 
just  beginning,  we  shall  soon  hear  from  all  parts  of  the 
country  of  the  capture  of  magnificent  single  ghosts,  and  of 
fine  messes  of  smaller,  but  no  less  desirable,  spooks. 


THE  CONFLICT  OF  RODS. 

The  rapid  decay  of  faith  in  lightning-rods  has  naturally 
increased  the  terror  which  a  thunder-storm  excites  in  per- 
sons of  nervous  temperament  or  timid  disposition.  In  the 
days  immediately  succeeding  Dr.  Franklin's  kite-flying 
experiment,  it  was  held  that  a  lightning-rod  should  be  in- 
sulated from  the  house  which  it  was  supposed  to  protect. 
The  theory  prevailed  that  the  lightning,  when  trying  to 
strike  the  house,  would  be  cleverly  caught  by  the  end  of 
the  lightning  rod  and  conducted  to  the  ground,  without 
having  an  opportunity  of  effecting  an  entrance  into  the 
building.  People  who  provided  themselves  with  rods  erect- 
ed in  accordance  with  this  theory  felt  reasonably  safe  ;  and 
although  the  lightning  did  occasionally  miss  the  rod  and 
come  down  the  chimney,  the  accident  was  always  explained 
by  the  supposition  that  the  rod  was  not  quite  so  long  or  as 
thick  as  it  ought  to  have  been. 

Of  late  years  a  new  theory  has  been  broached.  It  is 
alleged  that  during  a  thunder-storm  houses  are  filled  with 
a  certain  kind  of  electricity  which  renders  them  liable  to 
incur  lightning  strokes.  In  order  to  avert  this  danger,  the 
objectionable  electricity  must  be  removed.  This  can  be 
accomplished  by  placing   a  lightning-rod  in   close  contact 


THE  CON  FLIC  7'  OF  RODS.  225 

with  the  buildhig  which  it  is  desired  to  protect.  The  resi- 
dent electricity  runs  off  on  the  rod,  and  the  house  is  then 
in  no  more  danger  of  contracting  a  stroke  of  Hghtningthan 
a  man  who  has  been  vaccinated  is  of  contracting  small-pox. 
Those  who  hold  this  theory  assert  that  an  insulated  rod, 
so  far  from  being  a  safeguard,  is  a  positive  danger.  It 
does  not  eliminate  the  resident  negative  electricity,  and  it 
simply  banters  the  lightning  to  hit  it. 

It  so  happens  that  the  men  who  sell  lightning-rods  are 
about  equally  divided  in  support  of  these  rival  theories. 
One  will  assert  that  a  rod  is  dangerous  unless  it  is  insulat- 
ed, and  another  will  claim  that  to  trust  one's  self  to  an  in- 
sulated rod  is  suicidal.  Occasionally  a  lightning-rod  ven- 
dor is  found  who,  with  the  utmosl  shamelessness,  will  offer 
to  put  up  just  such  a  rod  as  the  purchaser  may  desire,  thus 
showing  that  either  he  knows  nothing  about  the  habits  and 
customs  of  lightning,  or  that  he  cares  nothing  for  the  lives 
of  the  public.  It  follows  that  the  unscientific  householder 
can  place  no  sort  of  confidence  in  his  rod,  whether  it  is  in- 
sulated or  not,  and  hence,  if  he  has  any  fear  of  lightning, 
a  thunder-storm  renders  him  extremely  uneasy,  and  fills 
him  with  indignation  against  all  lightning-rod  dealers, 
from  Franklin's  time  to  the  present  day. 

This  conflict  of  faith  in  connection  with  the  insulation 
question  also  vexes  the  souls  of  timid  women.  Formerly 
tlie  average  woman  insulated  herself  during  a  thunder- 
storm either  by  sitting  on  a  feather-bed,  which  was  said  to 
be  a  non-conductor  of  electricity,  or  by  putting  the  legs  of 
her  chair  in  glass  tumblers.  But  if  the  new  theory  ot 
electricity  is  true,  this  is  the  most  dangerous  course  that 
could  be  pursued.  The  negative  electricity  contained  in 
the  woman  who  places  herself  in  an  insulated  chair  while 
a  thunder-storm  is  in  progress  cannot  escape,  and  it  con- 
stantly invites  the  positive  electricit}^  of  the  atmosphere  to 
come  and  strike  her.  When  the  latter  event  occurs,  the 
unhappy  woman  has  two  distinct  varieties  of  electricity 
struggling  in  the  interior  of  her  person,  and  making  desper- 
ate but  unavailing  attempts  to  escape.  Thus,  her  last 
state  is  decidedly  worse  than  her  first,  and  unless  she  can 
make  her  husband  lay  his  hand  on   her   and  thus  convert 

15 


2  26  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

himself  into  a  self-abnegating  lightning-rod,  she  car.  hardly 
endure,  wiLhout  permanent  injuiy,  the  throes  of  the  imprison' 
ed  fluid.  A  similar  calamity  might  be  expected  ro  overtake 
the  woman  who  insulates  herself  on  a  feather-bed,  and  thus 
the  new  and  objectionable  theory  renders  the  sex  unable 
to  protect  themselves  from  lightning,  except  by  tightly 
shutting  their  eyes,  and  loudly  remarking  "oh,"  at  frequent 
intervals. 

It  is  impossible  that  this  universal  uncertainty  should 
long  prevail.  Men  will  insist  upon  knowing  whether  their 
houses  and  wives  ought  to  be  connected  with  the  ground 
by  non-insulated  rods,  or  whether  safety  is  to  be  found 
only  in  insulation.  If  insulation  is  the  proper  thing,  we 
ought  to  live  in  glass  houses,  and  provide  ourselves  and  our 
v/ives  with  glass  garments,  to  be  put  on  whenever  a  thun- 
der-storm is  in  prospect.  If  the  new  tlieory  is  true,  pru- 
dent men  will  cover  their  houses  with  insulated  rods,  and 
prudent  women  will  connect  themselves  with  the  ground 
by  lengths  of  copper  wire  attached  to  their  ankles.  Until 
we  know  which  theory  is  the  true  one,  it  is  folly  to  take  any 
precautions  against  lightning  whatever,  and  the  sooner  the 
scientific  electricians  tell  us  the  whole  truth  in  regard  to 
the  matter  the  better. 


IVORINE. 

What  is  popularly  known  as  the  petrifaction  of  human 
bodies,  is  by  no  means  a  rare  phenomenon.  In  this  coun- 
try, where  the  exigencies  of  town  lot  speculations  require 
the  removal  of  the  occupants  of  cemeteries  at  least  once 
in  every  generation,  two  or  three  petrified  bodies  are  annu- 
ally exhumed.  The  cause  of  this  phenomenon  has  gener- 
ally been  supposed  to  reside  in  the  soil  in  which  flie  petri- 
fied bodies  are  buried,  but  curiously  enough  no  one  has 
hitherto  thought  of  definitely  ascertaining  its  nature,  and 
securing  <by  patent  the  exclusive  right  to  use  it.  Although 
the  embalmers  drove  a  thriving  trade  during  the  civil  war, 
there  is  little  call  for  their  services  at  present,  and  the 
efforts  of  inventors  have  been  directed  towards  the  discovery 


IVORINE. 


227 


of  the  swiftest  and  surest  method  of  destroying  the  bodies 
of  departed  citizens.  Yet  all  the  while  Nature  was  show- 
ing us  that  a  corpse  could  be  petrified  and  made  as  inde- 
structible as  marble,  and  hinting  in  the  plainest  manner 
that  instead  of  burning  or  burying  bodies,  we  ought  to 
petrify  them.  It  seems  that  at  last  an  eminent  chemist 
has  discovered  the  precise  process  by  which  a  corpse  can 
be  converted  into  a  substance  that  is  finer,  harder,  and 
better  adapted  to  withstand  the  ravages  of  time  than  is  the 
best  quality  of  iVfrican  ivory,  and  he  is  convinced  that,  be- 
fore many  3'ears,  cemeteries  and  "  cremation  temples  "  will 
become  desolate,  and  the  whole  civilized  world  will  petrify- 
its  dead. 

No  man  can  read  an  eloquent  circular  setting  forth  the 
advantages  of  the  new  process  without  wondering  why  it 
was  not  invented  ages  ago.  It  will  save  nearly  the  whole 
expense  of  the  old-fashioned  funeral,  which,  as  is  forcibly 
remarked,  "  is  an  investment  which  yields  not  a  cent  of 
returns."  When  Mr.  Smith  loses  his  wife,  he  need  to  em- 
ploy neither  an  undertaker  nor  a  sexton.  All  that  he  has* 
to  do  is  to  pay  the  trifling  cost  of  converting  her  beloved 
remains  into  "  ivorine."  He  can  then  place  her  on  a 
pedestal  in  his  parlor  until  her  successor  is  chosen  ;  at 
which  time  a  delicate  sense  of  what  is  due  to  the  new  wife 
will  suggest  the  removal  of  her  predecessor  to  one  of  the 
spare  bedrooms.  Of  course,  if  the  widower  fancies  that 
something  in  the  Way  of  funeral  ceremonies  would  be  a 
comfort  to  the  corpse,  he  can  substitute  a  formal  "  inau- 
guration of  her  ivorine  statue,"  for  the  now  customary 
funeral.  The  cost  of  such  an  inauguration  would,  how- 
ever, be  trifling,  while  the  ceremony  itself  would  be  of  a 
pleasing  and  attractive,  instead  of  a  dismal  and  depressing 
nature.  The  local  clergyman  would  probably  deliver  an 
oration,  and  the  local  poet  would  furnish  a  copy  of  verses 
in  praise  of  the  deceased,  and  containing  a  few^  neat  allu- 
sions to  Phidias  and  Praxiteles.  Both  the  orator  and  the 
poet  would  doubtless  give  their  services  gratuitously,  and 
unless  the  bereaved  husband  were  to  go  to  the  unnecessary 
expense  of  fireworks  and  an  elaborate  banquet,  the  whole 
affair  could  hardly  cost  him  more  than  five  or  ten  dollars. 


2  28  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

Inasmuch  as  "ivorine"  is  warranted  to  "withstand 
without  injury  the  fiercest  attacks  of  the  elements,"  the 
new  invention  enables  every  father  of  a  large  family — un- 
less he  resides  in  an  exceptionally  healthy  region — to  deco- 
rate his  grounds  with  statues,  and  thus  exercise  an  art- 
educating  influence  upon  the  community.  A  few  petrified 
children  skilfully  placed  among  the  shrubbery  of  the  front 
yard  would  give  quite  an  Italian  air  to  an  othenvise  com- 
monplace New  Jersey  villa.  A  pair  of  deceased  wives 
could  be  utilized  as  car}'atides  to  support  the  arch  of  an 
elaborate  front  gate ;  while  the  two  corresponding  mothers- 
in-law  might  be  armed  with  umbrellas  and  placed  in  con- 
spicuous positions  in  the  vegetable  garden,  with  a  view  of 
discouraging  the  crows.  As  a  material  for  memorial  stat- 
ues of  public  men,  "ivorine  "  will  be  infinitely  superior  to 
the  sculptor's  marble  or  bronze.  If  a  marble  statue  of  the 
founder  of  the  Drew  Theological  Seminary  were  to  be 
placed  in  front  of  that  institution  it  would  naturally  elevate 
and  purify  the  minds  of  the  students ;  but  how  much  more 
ennobling  and  satisfactory  would  be  the  "  ivorine  "  petri- 
faction of  Mr.  Drew  himself  in  the  apparent  act  of  giving 
"p'ints"in  connection  with  Erie  to  a  rural  deacon,  and 
beaming  with  benevolence  and  guileless  innocence  !  The 
art  of  Michael  Angel o  and  Vinnie  Ream  will  no  longer  be 
needed  when  a  grateful  nation  wishes  to  honor  a  dead 
statesman.  The  capitol  at  Washington  will  be  decorated 
with  the  actual  bodies  of  dead  presidents  and  generals, 
and  the  country  will  be  saved  the  cost  of  contracting  with 
sculptors  to  make  marble  caricatures  of  the  helpless  dead. 

The  advantages  which  the  new  process  affords,  and 
which  have  been  hastily  enumerated,  are  sufficient  to 
demonstrate  the  great  value  of  the  invention.  The  enthu- 
siastic inventor  dwells  at  some  length  upon  the  manifold 
uses  to  which  "  ivorine  "  may  be  applied  by  manufacturers  \ 
but  public  sentiment  will  have  to  be  educated  by  degrees 
to  the  use  of  deceased  relatives  as  billiard  balls  and  hair- 
brush handles,  and  for  the  present  the  inventor  will  do 
wisely  to  refrain  from  dwelling  upon  all  the  possible  uses 
of  "  ivorine."  He  can  justly  claim  that  he  has  provided  a 
way  for  avoiding  the  expense  of  funerals,  and  that  he  ha^ 


STILL  ANOTHER  SHOWER.  229 

rendered  the  services  of  the  sculptor,  the  portrait  painter, 
and  the  photographer  useless.  This  ought  to  content  him  ; 
and  a  proper  reverence  for  the  prejudices  of  commonplace 
people  ought  to  restrain  him  from  proposing  to  convert  a 
respectable  citizen  weighing,  while  living,  170  pounds,  into 
"  four  hundred  and  sixteen  pounds  of  first-class  ivorine, 
perfectly  adapted  for  all  the  purposes  for  which  the  best 
ivory  is  now  employed." 


STILL  ANOTHER  SHOWER. 

After  the  showers  of  snakes,  frogs,  hash,  and  other  re- 
markable objects  which  have  recently  occurred  in  this  favor- 
ed land,  we.  ought  not  to  be  astonished  at  anything  of  the 
sort,  except,  perhaps,  a  shower  of  extra  sized  elephants, 
with  their  tails  tied  up  with  blue  ribbon.  Nevertheless,  a 
shower  occurred  the  other  day  in  Oshkosh,  or  some  other 
western  city  to  the  same  effect,  which  nearly  created  a 
terrible  and  fatal  panic,  and  indeed  did  result  in  serious  in- 
jury to  at  least  one  estimable  citizen. 

It  took  place  in  a  meeting-house  on  Sunday  morning, 
and  its  area  was  restricted  to  the  region  immediately  un- 
der the  organ-loft.  It  is  a  noticeable  fact  that  the  area  of 
abnormal  showers  always  is  extremely  small.  The  recent 
snake  shower  in  Memphis,  for  example,  was  confined  to 
two  vacant  lots.  There  is,  then,  nothing  in  the  limited 
extent  of  the  Oshkosh  shower  which  need  create  any  doubts 
as  to  its  actual  occurrence.  Of  course,  its  area  might  have 
been  coincident  with  the  entire  length  of  the  galleries,  but 
it  is  not  our  place  to  sit  in  judgment  upon  the  operations 
of  nature  and  dictate  the  precise, area  of  this  or  that  varie- 
ty of  shower. 

Now  that  the  shower  is  over,  it  is  very  easy  for  the 
critical  Oshkoshian  to  claim  that  young  ladies  ought  not 
to  be  allowed  to  occupy  the  organ  gallery.  It  will  not  do, 
however,  to  thoughtlessly  admit  this  claim.  Its  advocates 
could,  with  equal  justice,  insist  that  new  bonnets  ought  not 
to  be   admitted  to  the   body  of   a  meeting-house,  and  that 


230  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

deacons  should  be  compelled  to  wear  fire-helmets  while 
on  duty.  It  is  true  that  were  these  precautions  to  be  taken, 
the  recurrence  of  the  shower  would  become  either  impossi- 
ble or  at  all  events  harmless  ;  but  radical  changes  like 
these  should  not  be  lightly  made  in  any  church.  The 
proposal  to  spread  a  large  net  immediately  under  the  front 
of  the  organ  gallery  is  also  objectionable,  since  it  would 
rapidly  become  a  receptacle  for  hymn-books  and  sand- 
wiches, and  would  only  partially  arrest  the  danger  of  a 
sudden  shower  of  the  kind  in  question.  These  proposals 
are  akin  to  those  of  preventing  panics  in  theatres  by 
chloroforming  the  spectators,  and  of  rendering  the  latter 
safe  against  fire  by  soaking  them  in  tungstate  of  soda.  In 
each  case  the  desired  end  fnight  be  partially  secured,  but 
only  at  a  sacrifice  of  comfort  too  great  to  be  thought  of. 

The  shower  descended  just  as  the  minister  had  reach- 
ed the  most  eloquent  part  of  his  sermon.  It  is  all  very 
well  to  say  that  the  audience  ought  to  have  kept  their  eyes 
fixed  on  their  pastor,  and  their  ears  deaf  to  all  sounds  save 
that  of  his  eloquent  voice.  There  are  circumstances  in 
which  the  strongest  men  lose,  momentarily,  their  self-con- 
trol, even  when  in  church.  When  preliminary  shrieks, 
followed  by  a  heavy  crash,  and  the  cry  of  some  strong 
deacon  in  his  agony,  drown  the  minister's  voice,  only  the 
soundest  sleeper  can  avoid  being  startled.  In  this  partic- 
ular instance  the  minister  himself  abruptly  paused  in  the 
discourse  and  turned  deadly  pale,  and  we  cannot  wonder 
that  his  hearers  sprang  to  their  feet  and  began  to  rush  wild- 
ly to  the  door.  Those  who  witnessed  the  shower  were  un- 
der the  impression  that  it  was  a  rain  of  purple  and  fine 
linen  mingled  with  barber's  poles.  A  meteorological  phe- 
nomenon of  this  kind  would  naturally  have  a  blood-curdling 
effect,  and  the  wonder  is  n,ot  that  a  panic  occurred,  but  that 
it  was  checked  by  the  timely  efforts  of  two  or  three  calm 
and  determined  men  before  any  one  had  been  trampled  to 
death  or  seriously  wounded. 

It  would  be  a  hopeless  task  to  attempt  to  eradicate  an 
interest  in  bonnets  from  the  female  soul.  Theoretically, 
a  church  soprano  ought  to  give  her  whole  attention  to  hei 
vocal   duties,   except  when    courteously  listening   to    the 


STILL  ANOTHER  SHOWER.  231 

humble  efforts  of  the  pastor  to  fill  up  in  an  attractive  way 
the  intervals  between  the "  hymns.  But  we  must  not  lay 
upon  any  church  singer  burdens  heavier  than  her  sex  can 
bear.  If  during  the  sermon  a  new  bonnet  of  remarkable 
architectural  merit  enters  the  church  the  soprano  will  in- 
evitably look  at  it.  We  might  as  well  attempt  to  abolish 
the  law  of  gravitation  as  to  abolish  this  feminine  instinct. 
Either  remedy  would  oi  course  have  prevented  the  Oshkosh 
shower,  could  it  have  been  employed,  but  it  is  idle  to  talk 
of  repealing  the  fundamental  laws  of  nature. 

The  deacon  was  severely,  but  not  fatally,  hurt.  He 
was  struck  directly  upon  the  back  of  the  neck,  where  two 
indentations,  of  the  general  size  and  shape  of  small  boot- 
heels,  are  still  visible  to  attest  the  violence  of  the  shower. 
It  is  unnecessary  to  repeat  the  exact  words  which  he  is 
said  to  have  used  at  the  moment  when  he  first  felt  the  blow. 
Very  possibly  he  never  said  anything  of  the  kind ;  but  if 
he  did,  it  should  be  remembered  that,  under  the  influence 
of  sudden  surprise  or  sharp  agony,  a  good  man  may  some- 
times express  himself  in  a  brusqae  manner.  Moreover, 
it  has  yet  to  be  established  that  "  Jerusalem  "  is  a  profane 
expression.  The  deacon  may  have  intended  to  repeat 
the  first  lines  of  the  hymn — "  Jerusalem,  my  happy  home." 
If  so  his  intention  was  unquestionably  devout  rather  than 
profane. 

It  may  be  safely  assun^ed  that  she  will  never  lean 
over  to  look  at  another  bonnet,  at  least  in  that  particular 
church.  She  was  not  seriously  injured,  for  the  deacon 
was  soft  and  elastic,  at  least  for  his  years  ;  but  she  resign- 
ed her  position  as  the  church  soprano  early  in  the  follow- 
ing week.  There  was  a  general  feeling  among  the  church 
members  that  she  was  not  conducive  to  the  solemnity 
which  ought  to  characterize  the  services,  and  that  the 
deacons  must  be  protected  at  any  cost.  Especial  stress 
was  laid  by  the  elder  ladies  of  the  congregation  upon  the 
essentially  worldly  nature  of  alternate  red  and  white 
stripes.  The  upshot  of  the  matter  was  that  the  soprano 
withdrew  permanently  from  the  organ  gallery,  and  the 
deacon,  after  having  been  carefully  repaired,  was  provided 
with  a  pew  in  the  exact  centre  of  the  church. 


232 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


Of  course,  this  shower  was  not  predicted  by  the 
Weather  Bureau.  No  shower  of  any  real  merit  ever  is. 
Very  likely  it  will  be  repeated  in  some  other  church  at 
some  future  time,  but  it  will  fall  upon  the  just  deacon  or 
the  unjust  small-boy  without  being  previously  announced 
by  "  Probabilites."  The  story  of  the  Oshkosh  shower 
ought,  however,  to  be  widely  published,  for  the  sake  of  its 
moral,  though,  so  far,  it  does  not  appear  altogether  clear 
precisely  what  its  moral  really  is. 


V      THE  SUBTLE  TACK-HAMMER. 

This  is  the  season  when  the  ordinarily  calm  and  meth- 
odical housewife  dishevels  her  hair,  binds  a  handkerchief 
about  her  forehead,  and  plunges  into  a  mad  orgie  of  house- 
cleaning.  Much  as  we  may  regret  to  see  women  thus 
transformed  into  temporary  domestic  Bacchantes,  and  pain- 
ful as  it  is  for  any  man  to  have  his  carpets  supplanted  by 
shallow  lakes  of  soap-suds,  these  things  are  inevitable.  It 
may  be  hard  for  us  to  comprehend  how  a  woman  who  be- 
lieves herself  possessed  of  an  immortal  soul  can  thus  change 
a  happy  home  into  a  damp  purgatory  strewn  with  crooked 
tacks,  but  the  fact  that  she  is  capable  of  such  conduct  there 
is  no  room  to  doubt.  Beyond  any  question  Mrs.  Washing- 
ton cleaned  house  every  Fall,  and  the  Father  of  his  Country 
was  forced  at  such  periods  to  pick  up  precarious  dinner 
in  the  kitchen  pantry,  and  to  search  for  his  mislaid  slippers 
in  the  dark  recesses  of  the  coal  cellar. 

It  is  during  the  house-cleaning  cataclysm  that  the  wild 
and  malicious  nature  of  the  domestic  tack-hammer  is  most 
conspicuously  displayed.  There  are  many  animals  which 
can  be  so  thoroughly  tamed  as  to  lose  all  trace  of  their 
original  timidity  in  the  presence  of  man.  The  terrier,  for 
example,  knows  not  the  fear  of  man,  and  will  bark  at  a 
bishop  and  threaten  to  tear  a  justice  of  the  peace  into 
small  fragments  with  as  much  fearlessness  as  if  they  were 
timid  old  ladies  or  superannuated  cats.  The  tack-hammer, 
on  the  other  hand,  can  never  be  wholly  tamed.     No  mat- 


THE  SUBTLE  TACK-HAMMER. 


233 


ter  how  well  it  may  be  treated,  or  how  familiar  it  may  be 
with  human  society,  it  is  always  ready  to  avail  itself  of  the 
first  chance  which  offers  for  flight  or  concealment. 

Nothing  is  more  thoroughly  understood  by  the  mana- 
gers and  victims  of  house-cleaning  than  that  a  tack-hammer 
cannot  be  trusted  alone  for  a  single  moment.  The  first 
question  that  is  asked  by  the  unhappy  husband  who,  on 
his  return  from  business,  is  informed  by  his  wif(^  that  he  is 
expected  to  put  down  the  parlor  carpet  before  he  goes  to 
bed,  is,  "  Where  is  the  tack-hammer  ?  "  This  question  is 
uniformly  the  signal  for  the  beginning  of  an  argument 
which  only  too  often  ends  in  marital  misery.  The  wife 
asserts  that  she  left  the  tack-hammer  on  the  piano,  but  the 
husband  cannot  find  it.  Then  she  refers  in  general  terms 
to  the  inability  of  men  to  see  anything  that  is  "  right  before 
their  very  eyes,"  while  he  retorts  by  wishing  that  women 
could  rid  themselves  of  the  habit  of  hiding  everything. 
A  prolonged  and  exhaustive  search  finally  leads  to  the  dis- 
covery of  the  tack-hammer  tightly  squeezed  in  between  the 
clock  and  the  wall,  where  there  is  no  possible  doubt  that 
it  had  voluntarily  concealed  itself.  How  it  made  the  jour- 
ney from  the  piano  to  the  clock  can  only  be  surmised,  for 
there  is  no  animal  which  in  the  stealth  and  secrecy  of  its 
movements  begins  to  equal  the  apparently  dull  and  inert 
tack-hammer. 

Scientific  persons  in  all  ages  have  studied  with  great 
interest  the  habits  of  the  tack-hammer.  Sir  Isaac  Newton 
remarked  that  when  he  tried  to  comprehend  the  mental 
processes,  and  catalogue  the  peculiarities  of  the  tack-ham- 
mer, he  felt  as  if  he  were  standing  on  the  shore  of  a  vast 
ocean  and  picking  up  handfuls  of  the  myriad  tacks  strewn 
along  the  strand  :  and  Mr.  Tupper  has  beautifully  said  in 
his  Prove7'bial  Philosophy.,  "The  tack-hammer  is  small  and 
subtle  ;  but  the  stars  are  innumerable  and  bright,"  thus 
recognizing  in  the  most  unequivocal  way  one  of  the  distin- 
guishing traits  of  the  tack-hammer.  Especial  interest,  how- 
ever, attaches  to  the  experiments  made  by  Prof.  Huxley, 
since  they  illustrate  with  peculia  fulness  the  extraordinary 
timidity  and  the  wonderful  skill  in  concealment  which  dis- 
tinguish the  tack-hammer  from  other  hammers  larger  in 


234  -^-/X  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES, 

size,  but  vastly  inferior  in  other  respects.  The^e  experi- 
ments demonstrated  first  that  the  tack-hammer,  when  left 
on  the  floor  in  the  three-pair  front  bedroom,  would  convey 
itself  into  the  laboratory,  and  hide  under  a  pile  of  heavy 
scientific  books;  secondly,  that  when  a  tack-hammer  is 
shut  up  for  the  night  in  a  dark  closet,  it  is  able  to  escape 
and  to  conceal  itself  for  three  entire  days  in  Prof.  Huxley's 
breast  pocket ;  and  thirdly,  that  when  extricated  fiom  the 
pocket,  and  delivered  into  the  custody  of  Mrs.  Huxley,  it 
can  elude  that  lady's  vigilance  and  not  only  secretly  accom- 
pany the  Professor  to  his  lecture-room,  but  remain  hidden 
for  weeks  at  a  time  under  a  spare  handkerchief  or  between 
the  leaves  of  a  copy  of  Milton's  poems. 

Inasmuch  as  Prof.  Huxley  stoutly  affirms  that  in  none 
of  these  instances  wa^  he  privy  to  the  escape  or  conceal- 
ment of  the  tack-hammer,  it  follows  that  he  has  fully  de- 
monstrated its  apparently  untamable  disposition.  He  need 
not,  however,  abandon  all  hope  that  the  tack-hammer  can 
be  tamed.  Many  housewives  are  ready  to  testify  that  they 
have  completely  subdued  the  wildness  of  the  common  do- 
mestic scissors  by  chaining  its  handles.  The  same  system 
might  very  probably  be  found  efficacious  in  the  case  of  the 
tack-hammer.  Were  a  heavy  weight  to  be  fastened  to  its 
handle  by  a  stout  chain,  it  would  be  extremely  difficult  for 
the  tack-hammer  to  glide  noiselessly  across  the  floor  in 
search  of  a  hiding-place.  At  all  events,  the  experiment  is 
worth  trying,  for,  as  the  late  ]\Ir.  Buckle  ably  showed  in 
his  tables  of  social  statistics,  at  least  five  per  cent,  of  mod- 
ern divorce  suits  can  be  traced  to  domestic  dissensions 
arising  from  discussions  as  to  the  possible  lair  of  an  escaped 
tack-hammer. 


FOSSIL  FORGERIES. 

There  is  a  town  in  Ireland  which  affronts  common  sense 
and  the  language  of  the  tyrannical  Saxon  by  calling  itself 
"  Haulbowline."  Recently  it  has  added  to  its  original  of- 
fence by  perpetrating  a  gross  and  malignant  attack  upon 
the  Mosaic  cosmogony.  The  Haulbow|ine  authorities  have, 


FOSSIL  FOI^GEKIES.  235 

for  a  long  period,  been  engaged  in  the  construction  of  a 
dock  of  such  magnificent  proportions  that  were  Ireland  a  free 
and  happy  republic,  every  Haulbowline  statesman  would 
by  this  time  have  saved  at  least  a  million  dollars  out  of  the 
annual  dock  appropriation.  The  other  day  the  workmen 
were  lowering  a  heavy  granite  block  upon  the  bed  of  con- 
crete which  forms  the  foundation  of  the  dock,  when  a  reck- 
less and  presumably  atheistic  Haulbowliner  deliberately 
threw  himself  in  its  way.  The  block  descended,  and  the 
man  was  slowly  but  thoroughly  flattened  out.  The  concrete 
yielded  to  receive  him,  and  by  the  time  that  it  occurred  to 
a  bystander  to  mention  to  the  workmen  that  they  had  depos- 
ited their  block  on  a  layer  of  flattened  Irishman,  the  latter 
had  accomplished  his  suicidal  purpose.  As  there  was  no 
active  demand  for  his  remains,  no  attempt  was  made  to  ex- 
hume them,  and  accordingly  they  will  remain  imbedded  in 
the  dock  until,  at  some  future  day,  the  dock  crumbles  into 
pieces  and  the  flattened  skeleton  is  brought  to  light  and 
exhibited  by  eminent  scientific  men  as  a  conclusive  proof 
of  the  vast  antiquity  of  man. 

The  calm  deliberation  with  which  this  Haulbowline  en- 
emy of  Moses  converted  himself  into  a  fossil,  throws  a  flood 
of  light  upon  the  motives  of  previous  fossil  men.  There 
are  the  cave-dwellers  of  the  British  islands,  w^hose  skele- 
tons and  jack-knives  are  found  in  secluded  caves  surround- 
ed by  the  bones  of  extinct  animals,  and  carefully  covered 
wath  layers  of  gravel  and  w^ater-proof  stalagmite  blankets. 
An  able  geologist  examines  these  remains,  and  with  the  aid 
of  a  few  theodolites,  stethoscopes,  and  other  meretricious 
instruments  designed  to  dazzle  the  popular  mind,  readily 
calculates  that  they  are  at  least  500,000  years  old.  If  he  is 
pressed  for  the  details  of  this  calculation,  he  will  explain 
that  two  layers  of  gravel  three  feet  thick  equal  100,000 
years  ;  twelve  cave  bears  at  10,000  years  each,  make  120,- 
000  years,  and  four  layers  of  stalagmite  bring  the  entire 
age  of  the  fossil  men  up  to  500,000  years.  If  this  plausi' 
ble  calculation  is  met  by  a  feeble  reference  to  the  Mosaic 
record,  the  eminent  geologist  will  reply  that  Moses  was  no 
doubt  an  able  man,  but  that  he  had  no  knowledge  of  geol- 
ogy, and  that  his  introduction  into  a  scientific  argument 


236  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FA  NICIES. 

is  uncalled-for  and  ungentlemanly.  What  was  done  in  re- 
gard to  his  bones  by  the  British  cave-dweller  has  been  par- 
alleled by  certain  depraved  Frenchmen,  and  by  the  eccen- 
tric Floridian  who  deposited — or  possibly  mislaid — his  jaw- 
bone somewhere  on  the  peninsula  of  Florida,  where  it  was 
built  upon  by  coral  insects  for  a  period  of  at  least  ten 
thousand  years,  as  computed  by  the  late  Prof.  Agassiz. 

Now,  it  must  strike  the  ordinary  and  unprejudiced 
mind  that  this  sort  of  conduct  could  not  have  been  wholly 
accidental  and  unpremeditated.  It  is  essentially  improba- 
ble that  any  man  would  call  his  favorite  rhinoceros,  hyena, 
and  bear  about  him,  lie  down  with  them  in  a  damp  and  un- 
comfortable cave,  and  draw  a  few  layers  of  gravel  and  stal- 
agmite about  him,  merely  for  the  purpose  of  taking  a  brief 
and  quiet  nap.  There  is  not  a  scientific  person  living  who 
would  dream  of  courting  sleep  under  such  conditions. 
What  the  cave-dweller  really  meant  to  do  was  to  throw  sus- 
picion upon  Moses,  and  if  we  accept  this  explanation  of 
his  motive,  his  conduct  was  intelligible  and  astute. 

That  such  was  the  purpose  of  the  Haulbowline  suicide 
it  is  safe  to  assume  :  and  there  is  too  much  reason  to  fear 
that  in  the  course  of  a  few  generations  his  stratagem  will 
prove  successful.  When  his  future  exhumation  occurs,  the 
geologist  will  at  once  calculate  the  time  required  for  the 
deposition  of  the  successive  granite  strata  of  an  Irish  dock. 
They  will  doubtless  quote  the  record  of  the  building  of  the 
New  York  court-house  as  a  convincing  proof  that  the  Irish- 
man deposits  heavy  blocks  of  stone  with  a  slowness  almost 
equivalent  to  that  with  which  the  coral  insect  labors  at  his 
interminable  roof.  At  the  lowest  calculation  the  careful 
geologist  will  assign  50.000  years  as  the  period  during 
which,  say  six  strata  of  granite  blocks  were  deposited  over 
the  remains  of  the  dock  fossil,  and  he  will  probably  add 
another  10,000  years  as  the  time  during  which  a  layer  of 
concrete  formed  about  the  skeleton.  Thus  will  Genesis  be 
refuted  and  Moses  utterly  put  to  shame,  and  the  conflict 
between  science  and  the  Pentateuch  will  receive  a  new  and 
powerful  impulse. 

It  will  probably  occur  to  thoughtful  people  that  meas- 
ures should  be  taken  to  prevent  the  repetition  of  such  de- 


TAMING  THE  LAMP-CHIMNEY.  237 

liberate  attempts  to  manufacture  forged  fossil  testimony. 
It  is  too  late  to  do  more  than  expose  the  fraudulent  and 
heretical  purpose  of  the  cave-dweller  and  his  private  me- 
nagerie, and  of  the  Florida  person  who  left  his  jawbone  as 
a  stumbling-block  in  the  path  of  future  and  orthodox  gen- 
erations. That  Haulbowline  Irishman  can,  however,  be 
blasted  out  with  the  aid  of  nitro-glycerine,  and  his  malig- 
nant purpose  can  be  frustrated.  If  this  is  not  done,  some 
fanatical  imitator  will  bury  himself  under  the  new  granite 
pier  which  our  own  dock  connnissioners  are  building,  and 
if  he  is  not  dug  up  until  the  improvement  of  the  entire 
river  front  is  finished,  the  geologists  will  not  have  slates 
enough  to  compute  his  enormous  age.  Meanwhile  it  would 
be  well  to  prevent  all  scientific  men  from  entering  the  new 
court-house.  We  have  no  certainty  that  some  malicious 
Irishman  did  not  imbed  himself  in  its  foundations,  in  the 
dim  antiquity  when  its  corner-stone  was  laid.  As  v/e  can- 
not deny  the  enormous  age  of  the  lower  stories  of  that 
building,  the  discovery  of  human  remains  in  its  sub-cellar 
would  be  a  triumph  for  the  enemies  of  Moses,  and  common- 
sense  and  prudence  dictate  that  no  man  with  a  hammer  or 
quadrant  or  other  scientific  instrument  concealed  about 
his  person  should  be  permitted  to  enter  and  explore  that 
ancient  and  yet  unfinished  edifice. 


TAMING  THE  LAMP-CHIMNEY. 

Among  the  latest  of  the  innumerable  inventions  which 
reflect  so  much  credit  upon  the  ingenuity  of  our  countrymen, 
and  so  strikingly  illustrate  their  reluctance  to  do  any  sort 
of  work  which  machinery  can  be  induced  to  do,  is  a  sub- 
stitute for  the  common  hammer,  whether  of  the  tackor*nail 
variety.  It  is  estimated  that  every  man  who  has  reached 
the  age  of  fifty  years  has  spent  no  less  than  eighteen  entire 
weeks  in  searching  for  mislaid  hammers.  This  protracted 
labor  would  have  been  needless  had  he  always  had  some 
effective  substitute  for  a  hammer  close  at  hand.  It  is 
therefore  evident  that  the  National  Glass  Company,  which 


238  SIX  TFI  COL  UMIV  FANCIES. 

has  invented  a  lamp-chimney  made  of  Bastie  glass,  with 
which  an  eightpenny  nail  can  be  driven  through  an  inch 
and  a  half  board,  has  made  a  substantial  contribution  to 
the  labor-saving  inventions  for  which  Americans  are  so 
deser.vedly  famous.  The  utility  of  the  new  tool  hardly 
needs  to  be  emphasized.  The  man  engaged  in  putting  ujd 
a  stove-pipe  need  no  longer  stand  for  twenty  minutes  on  a 
precarious  step-ladder,  holding  aloft  an  obstinate  joint  of 
pipe,  and  waiting  for  his  wife  to  find  the  missing  hammer. 
He  has  only  to  ask  her  to  hand  him  the  lamp-chimney,  and 
with  that  effective  weapon  he  can  pound  that  stove-pipe  to 
an  extent  that  will  completely  satiate  his  vengeful  passions. 
Similarly,  a  party  of  sailors  who  have  been  shipwrecked  on 
a  desert  island,  where  hammers  are  absolutely  unattainable, 
can  knock  together  a  summer  cottage,  or  build  a  boat  with 
the  help  of  their  lamp-chimneys.  Hereafter  the  heavy  and 
clumsy  iron  hammer  will  fall  into  disuse,.ancl  the  carpenter 
and  the  geologist  will  go  to  their  daily  toil  each  carrying 
in  his  hand  a  kerosene  lamp,  the  chimney  of  which  will 
drive  nails  or  break  stones  with  equal  efficiency. 

Such  is  the  view  which  the  majority  of  men  will  take  of 
the  new  invention.  To  the  thoughtful  student  of  nature 
the  subject  presents  itself  in  a  totally  different  and  far  more 
interesting  aspect.  His  attention  will  be  wholly  devoted 
to  the  important  fact  that  at  last  the  lamp-chimney  has 
been  subjugated  and  made  subservient  to  the  will  of  man. 
There  is  an  interesting  animal  known  as  the  "Tasmanian 
devil,"  which  is  so  untamably  fierce  that  it  tears  itself  into 
small  fragments  and  burns  the  pieces  whenever  it  is  placed 
in  captivity.  Though  much  smaller  and  less  noisy  than  the 
Tasmanian  devil,  the  lamp-chimney  has  hitherto  been  fully 
as  wild  and  untamable.  There  are  few  men  living  who 
have  not  tried  to  domesticate  the  lamp-chimney,  but  there 
is  nbt  one  who  has  succeeded.  A  chimney  may  have  been 
treated  with  the  utmost  kindness  for  weeks,  but  it  will 
nevertheless  seize  the  most  inconvenient  moment  for  burst- 
ing into  pieces  and  strewing  its  heated  remains  over  the 
carpet.  The  most  prolonged  efforts  will  never  render  it 
willing  to  enter  the  lamp  to  which  it  belongs.  It  will  catch 
hold  of  the  lamp-shade  and  strive  to  overthrow  it,  and  it 


TAMING  THE  LAMP-CHIMNEY.  239 

will  cling  to  the  edges  of  the  cage  surrounding  the  wick 
and  make  violent  efforts  to  lacerate  the  lingers  of  its  owner. 
Its  timidity  is  as  great  as  that  of  the  ostrich,  and  its  skill 
in  concealing  itself  is  infinitely  greater.  As  is  well  known, 
the  wild  ostrich  of  the  desert  imagines  that  when  it  has 'in- 
serted its  head  in  a  flour  barrel  or  other  convenient  recep- 
tacle, the  Bedouin  hunters  are  as  unable  to  find  it  as  the 
average  detective  is  to  find  a  modest  murderer.  The 
lamp  chimney  commits  no  such  folly,  but  conceals  itself  in 
the  most  thorough  manner.  Frequently  the  house-wife 
buys  a  flock  of  half  a  dozen  chimneys,  with  a  view  to  hav- 
ing one  in  readiness  whenever  it  is  wanted.  In  nine  cases 
out  of  ten  the  whole  half  dozen  chimneys  have  completely 
vanished  long  before  search  is  made  for  them.  They  may 
have  been  placed  in  a  nice  roomy  box,  with  plenty  of  cotton 
batting,  and  laid  away  on  the  dining-room  closet  shelf,  but 
when  the  moment  comes  that  a  chimney  is  in  immediate 
demand,  it  will  be  found  that  they  have  absconded,  taking 
the  box  with  them.  Such  is  their  haste  to  conceal  them- 
selves that  they  often  roll  off  the  shelf  or  the  table,  and 
perish  miserably  on  striking  the  floor.  Often  the  house- 
wife has  found  the  crushed  remains  of  a  lamp-chimney 
which  had  hidden  itself  behind  a  chest  of  drawers,  or  un- 
derneath a  heavy  flat-iron,  and  been  subsequently  and 
unintentionally  smashed.  It  is  the  deliberate  opinion  o'f 
nearly  all  married  scientific  persons,  that  in  the  whole 
range  of  the  lower  orders  of  creation  there  is  nothing  so 
utterly  untamable  as  the  lamp-chimney  ;  and  an  eminent 
Bostonian  zoologist,  who  has  made  the  lamp-chimney  a 
special  study,  and  who  was  once  severely  wounded  by  one 
which  he  had  foolishly  placed  in  his  pocket,  has  repeatedly 
asserted  in  language  characterized  by  a  forcible  though 
painfully  profane  use  of  the  word  "gosh,"  that  he  would 
prefer  to  tame  a  dozen  rattlesnakes  rather  than  one  lamp- 
chimney. 

This  being  the  notorious  character  of  the  lamp-chimney, 
it  will  be  at  once  perceived  that  when  a  chimney  has  been 
so  far  tamed  as  to  permit  itself  to  be  used  as  a  hammer, 
both  its  fierceness  and  its  timidity  have  been  completely 
overcome.     Henceforth  the    lamp-chimney  may  be  fairly 


2  40  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

classed  with  the  horse,  the  cow,  and  other  placid  and 
docile  domestic  animals.  No  longer  will  it  refuse  to  do 
its  duty  in  connection  with  lamps.  The  fearful  spectacle 
of  an  irate  chimney  suddenly  bursting  and  leaving  the  lamp 
to  fill  the  room  with  noxious  smoke  will  never  again  appall 
a  peaceful  family.  The  tame  lamp-chimney  will  meekly 
lie  on  the  shelf  where  it  is  placed  until  its  time  of  service 
has  arrived,  and  it  will  never  dream  of  rolling  from  the 
table  with  suicidal  intent.  To  have  accomplished  this 
triumph  over  the  instincts  of  the  lamp-chimney  is  a  far 
greater  matter  than  to  have  provided  a  substitute  for  the 
hammer.  Now  let  the  ingenious  inventor  turn  his  attention 
to  the  buzz-saw,  and  if  he  can  eradicate  its  thirst  for  fingers 
and  blood,  he  will  deserve  the  lasting  gratitude  of  mankind. 


THE  COLOR  CURE. 

SiGNOR  PoNZA  is  a  distinguished  Italian  physician  who 
has  charge  of  an  insane  asylum  at  Alessandria,  in  Piedmont, 
and  who  has  invented  an  entirely  new  system  for  the  treat- 
ment of  insane  and  nervous  patients.  It  is  astonishing  to 
note  from  what  simple  facts  an  ingenious  scientific  person 
can  deduce  truths  of  tremendous  importance.  It  has  per- 
haps been  mentioned  once  or  twice  in  the  course  of  the 
last  centuiy  that  when  Sir  Isaac  Newton  made  the  dis- 
covery that  apples  have  a  tendency  to  fall  to  the  earth, 
provided  there  is  nothing  to  keep  them  suspended  in  the 
air,  he  instantly  suspected  the  force  of  gravitation.  In 
like  manner  Dr.  Ponza,  by  noting  the  fact  that  whenever 
he  wore  a  red  waistcoat  the  Alessandrian  bulls  proceeded 
to  toss  him  in  a  manner  which  evinced  angry  excitement 
rather  than  genial  hilarity,  came  to  the  conclusion  that  red 
invariably  infuriates  bulls.  Following  up  this  train  of 
reasoning,  he  asked  himself  whether  insanity  in  human 
beings  might  not  be  induced  or  aggravated  by  scarlet,  and 
whether  a  more  quiet  color  like  blue  or  brown  might  not 
be  used  as  a  remedy  for  over-excitement  of  the  brain  or 


THE  COLOR  CURE. 


241 


the  nervous  system.  He  tested  the  matter  without  delay, 
and  found  such  excellent  results  following  the  exhibition 
of  a  blue  veil  or  a  brown  pair  of  trousers  to  male  and  fe- 
male lunatics  that  he  immediately  discarded  drugs  and 
adopted  colors,  as  the  only  materia  77iedica  fit  for  cerebral 
diseases. 

The  new  system  is  still  in  its  infancy,  and  we  may  ex- 
pect from  it  in  future  much  greater  results  than  have  yet 
been  obtained.  So  far.  Dr.  Ponza  considers  that  he  has 
ascertained  beyond  any  question  that  scarlet,  in  small  doses, 
produces  cheerfulness,  and  when  used  in  excess  excites 
acute  mania  ;  that  blue  calms  an  excited,patient  and  de- 
presses the  spirits  of  a  person  in  normal  health  ;  that  brown 
is  a  strong  sedative,  and  that  violet  is  possessed  of  extraor- 
dinary nutritive  and  tonic  powers.  We  can  now  under- 
stand why  the  red  flag  of  European  j-adicalism  has  so  mad- 
dening an  effect  upon  the  peaceful  capitalist,  and  why  it 
increases  the  insanity  of  the  Communist  lunatics  who  look 
upon  it  with  reverence  and  love.  We  can  also  perceive 
the  wonderful  fitness  of  the  word  "  blue,"  when  used  to  de- 
scribe a  morbid  state  of  gloom,  and  of  the  phrase  "  a  brown 
study,"  as  employed  to  denote  a  condition  of  tranquil  en- 
joyment. It  can  no  longer  be  doubted  that  it  is  the  con- 
templation of  his  own  surface  which  excites  the  red  Indian 
to  deeds  of  blood,  and  that  the  calming  study  of  his  bare 
brown  legs  lulls  the  Sandwich  Islander  into  a  complete  for- 
getfulness  of  the  edible  qualities  of  his  missionary  friends. 
Dr.  Ponza  has  as  yet  given  us  no  information  as  to  the 
effect  of  black,  but  there  is  certainly  reason  to  suppose  that 
black  induces  a  disposition  to  propound  abstruse  conun- 
drums and  to  play  on  the  tambourine.  No  one  ever  knew 
a  red  Indian  or  a  yellow  Mongolian  to  exhibit  these  sym|> 
toms ;  while,  on  the  other  hand,  it  is  notorious  that  the 
black  man,  whether  in  Central  Africa  or  in  a  New  York 
minstrel  hall,  is  perpetually  seeking  information  as  to  when 
a  door  is  not  a  door,  and  constantly  banging  himself  on 
the  head  with  a  tambourine. 

It  is  an  immense  benefit  to  mankind  to  know  that  by 
the  use  of  inexpensive  colored  spectacles  any  one  can  min- 
ister to  his  own  diseased  mind.     If  a  man  is  melancholy, 

16 


242  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

all  he  has  to  do  is  to  wear  red  spectacles  for  a  few  hours, 
and  he  will  find  himself  overflowing  with  hilarity.  The  ex- 
citable man,  who  is  constantly  falling  into  fits  of  rage,  can 
become  meek  and  gentle  by  the  use  of  blue  goggles.  The 
tonic  powers  of  violet  are  asserted  by  Dr.  Ponza  to  be  lit- 
tle less  than  miraculous,  and  he  claims  that  he  recently 
cured  an  imbecile  patient  by  shutting  him  for  a  single  day 
in  a  room  into  which  the  light  was  admitted  through  violet- 
colored  glass.  The  miraculous  nature  of  this  cure  will  be 
understood  when  it  is  mentioned  that  this  particular  patient 
had  fallen  into  such  a  deplorable  state  that  he  was  con- 
stantly memorializing  the  Italian  Government  to  issue 
more  paper  currency. 

When  we  remember  that  we  owe  this  wonderful  discov- 
er}'' of  the  medicinal  property  of  colors  to  the  seemingly 
meaningless  incident  of  the  frequent  tossing  of  a  fat  but 
learned  Italian  gentleman  on  the  horns  of  unreflecting 
bulls,  we  can  well  doubt  if  there  be  any  such  thing  as 
chance.  Persons  who  have  seen  Dr.  Ponza,  with  his  red 
waistcoat,  in  meteoric  flight  through  the  air,  while  a  vin- 
dictive bull  waited  for  his  descent  in  order  to  reiterate  his 
objections  to  scarlet,  have  undoubtedly  characterized  the 
affair  as  an  unhappy  accident.  We,  however,  know  better. 
The  miscalled  accident  was  only  the  first  step  in  a  grand 
and  beneficent  discovery.  Had  Dr.  Ponza  never  worn  a 
red  waistcoat,  and  never  met  a  bull,  he  would  never  have 
discovered  that  lunacy  can  be  induced  or  cured  by  a  course 
of  appropriate  color.  The  tailor  who  made  the  waistcoat, 
and  the  bull  who  protested  against  it,  were  really  laboring 
in  the  cause  of  medical  science.  The  tossing  of  Dr.  Pon- 
za was  no  more  an  accident  than  the  birth  of  Washington. 
The  times  needed  Washington,  and  he  was  born  ;  the  lu- 
natics needed  Ponza,  and  he  was  tossed.  It  were  worse 
than  blindness  to  call  either  occurrence  an  accident,  or  to 
attribute  it  in  any  way  to  chance. 


THE  ''EMANCIPATED  COSTUMED  243 


THE  "EMANCIPATED  COSTUME." 

It  is  a  well-known  fact  that  the  small-girl  of  our  species 
is  accustomed  to  derive  early  but  erroneous  views  as  to 
anatomy  from  the  dolls  which  her  fond  imagination  con- 
verts into  loving,  though  commendably  noiseless,  babies. 
Having  learned  that  dolls  are  filled  with  sawdust,  she  firm- 
ly believes  that  the  interiors  of  men,  women,  and  children 
are  artistically  packed  with  the  same  material.  Her  first 
theological  problem  is  how  to  reconcile  the  Biblical  asser- 
tion that  she  is  made  of  the  dust  of  the  earth  with  her  firm 
scientific  conviction  that  sawdust  is  really  her  chief  ingre- 
dient ;  and  her  earliest  and  most  formidable  fear  arises 
from  the  delusion  that  an  accidental  pin-prick  may  let  loose 
her  vital  sawdust  and  transform  her  into  an  empty  and 
shapeless  bundle  of  clothes.  Of  course,  this  anatomical 
error  vanishes  with  her  infancy.  Before  she  has  reached 
her  tenth  birthday  she  has  discovered  that  she  is  filled  with 
a  variety  of  organs  which  are  far  more  complex  than  the 
contents  of  her  doll,  and  has  totally  abandoned  the  theory 
that  the  extreme  attenuation  of  her  maiden  aunt  is  the  re- 
sult of  a  chronic  leakage  of  sawdust.  It  must  be  a  sad 
moment  when  a  small-girl  learns  that  her  doll  bears  only  a 
surface  resemblance  to  humanity,  and  that,  instead  of  be- 
ing dilated  with  dry  and  compressible  sawdust,  she  is  her- 
self filled  with  a  material  that  cannot  be  safely  brought  in 
contact  with  green  apples,  andfor  which  no  ingenious  nurse 
can  substitute  coal  ashes  or  cotton  in  case  of  a  serious  ac- 
cident. 

But  now  comes  Mrs.  Martha  Gearing — vaguely  de- 
scribed as  "  of  Wisconsin  " — with  an  invention  which  aims 
to  convert  the  sawdust  illusion  of  girlhood  into  the  actual 
condition  of  womanhood.  Mrs.  Gearing  is  evidently  a 
reformer  whose  specialty  is  the  elevation  of  woman  ;  for  it 
is  expressly  in  order  to  elevate  her  sex  that  she  has  de- 


2  44  SIXTH  COL UMN  FANCIES. 

signed  a  new  garment,  to  be  known  as  the  "  emancipated 
costume,"  and — we  may  assume — to  be  exhibited  and  de- 
scribed at  tlie  next  Dress  Reform  Convention,  by  the  in- 
ventor herself.  The  "  emancipated  costume  "  first  dawned 
upon  the  inventive  mind  of  Mrs.  Gearing  as  she  entered 
her  ice-house  one  winter's  day.  The  ice-house  was  Hned 
with  sawdust,  and  though  it  was  cool  in  summer,  Mrs. 
Gearing  found  that  it  was  warm  in  winter.  At  once  the 
idea  came  to  her  that  she  could  keep  warm  in  winter  and 
cool  in  summer  by  lining  her  own  person  with  sawdust. 
From  this  happy  thought  was  gradually  developed  the 
"  emancipated  costume,"  by  the  wearing  of  which  any 
woman  may  emancipate  herself  from  the  thraldom  of  fash- 
ion, the  trammels  of  skirts,  and  the  bills  of  dress-makers, 
besides  securing  the '  utmost  physical  comfort  compatible 
with  a  due  deference  to  the  present  prejudices  of  civiliza- 
tion in  favor  of  clothes.  Thus,  Mrs.  Gearing  kills  a  variety 
of  objectionable  birds  with  a  single  garment,  and  she  cer- 
tainly deserves  the  fame  which  she  will  doubtless  earn  by 
her  first  appearance  in  public  clad  in  the  "  emancipated 
costume." 

It  is  not  an  easy  matter  to  describe  the  new  dress. 
Not  that  it  is  at  all  complex — for  it  consists  of  a  single 
garment — but  because  the  theme  is  too  sacred  for  irrever- 
ent handling.  Perhaps  it  may  be  permissible  to  hint  that 
were  an  "  emancipated  costume  "  to  be  made  for  a  small 
boy  of  six  years  of  age,  it  would  consist  of  a  shirt  and 
trousers  combined,  and  forming  but  one  all-enveloping 
garment.  When  it  is  ftnther  hinted  that  whether  the 
"  emancipated  costume  "  is  intended  for  a  small-boy  or  a 
large  female  reformer,  its  pattern  is  precisely  the  same,  a 
conception  of  the  true  shape  of  the  garment  may  be  deli- 
cately conveyed  to  the  most  modest  mind.  Of  course,  there 
is  no  law  to  prevent  the  wearer  of  this  new  garment  from 
also  wearing  a  skirt  or  two,  and  such  other  external  articles 
as  taste  or  prejudice  may  dictate.  Mrs.  Gearing,  however, 
urges  that  the  true  reformer  will  wear  the  "  emancipated 
costume  "  and  nothing  else — except  a  few  trifles  in  the  way 
of  boots,  hair-pins,  and  such  like  coverings  for  the  extrem- 
ities of  the  person  ;  and  we  may   expect  that  all  dress- 


THE  "  EMAiVCIFATED  COSTUME:'  245 

reformers  who  are  really  anxious  for  the  elevation  of 
woman  will  share  the  distinguished  inventor's  views. 

But  the  chief  characteristic  of  the  "  emancipated  cos- 
tume "  is  the  fact  that  it  is  made  double,  and  that  the  in- 
termediate space  is  divided  into  a  number  of  presumably 
water  tight  compartments.  These  are  each  provided  with 
small  valves  through  which  sawdust  can  be  introduced  in 
quantities  to  suit  the  wishes  of  the  wearer.  Mrs.  Gearing 
claims  that  in  extremely  hot  or  cold  weather  a  layer  of  saw- 
dust an  inch  thick,  evenly  disposed  about  the  person,  will 
make  the  wearer  perfectly  comfortable.  In  proportion  as 
the  temperature  of  the  atmosphere  rises  or  sinks  to  the 
neighborhood  of  65°  (Fahrenheit)  the  quantity  of  sawdust 
is  to  be  regulated,  until  the  wearer  feels  neither  too  warm 
nor  too  cold.  Thus  clothed,  she  would  need  but  one  dress 
for  all  seasons  of  the  year,  and  could  adapt  her  clothing  to 
meet  the  most  sudden  changes  of  weather  by  merely  taking 
in  or  letting  out  a  little  more  sawdust. 

Of  the  beauty  and  utility  of  the  "  emancipated  costume  '' 
there  can  be  but  one  opinion.  It  will  certainly  be  cheaper 
than  the  present  style  of  feminine  dress,  and  Mrs.  Gearing 
asserts  that  it  will  be  far  more  healthful.  There  will  be 
"no  more  corsets,"  cries  the  exultant  inventor,  "and  no 
more  cotton  !  "  The  latter  allusion  we  do  not  clearly  under- 
stand, but  the  disappearance  of  the  corset  would  undoubt- 
edly conduce  to  the  welfare  of  mankind.  There  is  no 
reason,  however,  that  this  beneficent  invention  should  be 
monopolized  by  women.  The  school-boy  will  clamor  for 
an  "  emancipated  costume,"  which  will  enable  him  to  bear 
with  fortitude  the  reproofs  of  his  father  and  school-teacher 
— especially  if  he  lays  in  a  little  extra  sawdust  just  prior 
to  an  interview  with  either  of  them.  The  brakeman  will 
find  that  he  can  survive  an  unusual  quantity  of  collisions 
if  he  is  carefully  padded  with  sawdust,  and  the  like  precau- 
tion will  be  found  extremely  useful  by  book  agents  and 
map  pedlers  in  regions  where  the  inhabitants  are  athletic 
and  wear  heavy  boots.  Thus  the  "  emancipated  costume  " 
will  elevate  boys  and  brakemen  and  pedlers,  as  well  as 
w^omen,  and  all  over  our  country  those  who  are  peculiarly 
exposed  to  contusion  will  rise  up,  without  regard  to  sex, 


246 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


color,  or  pre\'ious  condition  of  turpitude,  and  call  Mrs. 
Gearing  blessed.  Meanwhile,  the  small-girl  will  be  more 
than  ever  convinced  that  humanity  is  largely  composed  of 
sawdust,  and  will  undergo  tlie  most  terrible  apprehensions 
when  her  brotlier,  who  has  failed  to  convince  his  father 
that  skates  are  a  devotional  implement,  which  a  truly  de- 
vout youth  invariably  carries  to  prayer-meeting  under  his 
jacket,  comes  forth  from  the  paternal  "study"  leaking 
sawdust  at  eveiy  pore  from  a  rent  and  treacherous  ''  eman- 
cipated costume." 


A  NEW  ATTRACTION    FOR    SUNDAY-SCHOOLS. 

Of  new  plans  for  making  Sunday-school  attractive  tliere 
is  no  end.  An  active  superintendent  knows  no  such  word 
as  rest.  The  attraction  which  fills  his  Sunday-school  to- 
day will  be  imitated  by  the  superintendent  of  a  rival  school 
next  Sunday,  and  unless  he  is  willing  to  witness  the  deser- 
tion of  his  scholai-s  to  the  opposing  camp,  he  must  devise 
some  new  means  of  retaining  tlieir  allegiance.  Thus  the 
life  of  the  successful  Sunday-scliool  superintendent  is  a 
continual  reaching  out  after  that  w^hich  will  satisfy  tlie  cap- 
tious and  pampered  pupil,  and  to  his  gaze  Alps  upon  Alps 
of  magic  lanterns  forever  rise,  and  a  limitless  succession  of 
picnics  and  fairs  stretches  out  into  futurity. 

During  the  recent  winter  season,  Sunday-school  fairs 
and  sleigh  rides  were  comparatively  infrequent.  That  im- 
proved species  of  magic  lantern,  the  stereopticon,  eclipsed 
all  other  attractions  ;  and  when  supplemented  by  a  distin- 
guished missionary,  it  attained  a  popularity  w^hich  even 
monthly  recitations  in  the  Westminster  Catechism  could 
not  check.  There  is  scarcely  a  Sunday-school  in  the  land 
which  has  not  reveled  in  the  stereopticon  at  some  time 
^during  the  last  ten  months,  and  it  is  probable  that  a  very 
large  majority  of  them  have  also  enjoyed  the  luxury  of  a 
real  missionary.  Feeble  attempts  have  here  and  there  been 
made  by  mistaken  superintendents  to  impose  upon  their 
scholars  a  respected  fellow-townsman  \\\\o  has  made  a  visit 


A  NEW  ATTRAC  rrON  FOR  SUN  DA  Y-SCHOOLS.  247 

to  the  Holy  Land,  or  a  popular  clerg}a-nan  who  has  person- 
ally bearded  the  Pope  by  looking  at  the  outside  of  the 
Vatican.  The  experiment  has  uniformly  failed,  and  even 
the  members  of  the  infant  class  have  insisted  upon  the 
production  of  a  real  missionary,  and  scorned  all  cheaper 
substitutes.  It  is  im^wssible  to  estimate  the  amount  of 
Biblical  knowledge  which  Sunday-school  scholars  have 
derived  from  the  favorite  stereopticon  picture  representing 
a  British  traveller  pelting  an  unruly  donkey  with  discarded 
aspirates,  or  the  fervor  of  religious  feeling  which  has  been 
awakened  by  Llie  picture  of  sea-sick  pilgrims  on  a  voyage 
to  Mecca.  There  is  no  doubt  that  the  stereopticon  has 
proved  an  enormous  success,  and  that  it  has  drawn  hundreds 
of  children  into  the  Sunday-school,  a  very  large  proportion 
of  whom  have  continued  their  connection  with  the  school 
until  the  distribution  of  Christmas  presents  or  until  the 
regular  May  excursion. 

There  are,  however,  in  certain  remote  localities,  Sun- 
day-schools which  cannot  afford  even  a  small  stereopticon 
or  a  genuine  missionary  with  a  choice  collection  of  port- 
able idols.  Necessarily,  the  superintendents  of  such 
schools  have  been  forced  to  extremities  in  order  to  keep 
their  scholars  together.  The  result  has  been  the  invention 
of  several  extremely  ingenious  attractions,  which  have 
reflected  great  credit  upon  the  skill  and  enterprise  of  the 
inventors.  Among  these  moral  attractions,  that  which  was 
exhibited  a  few  weeks  since  to  a  Kentucky  Sunda3^-schooi 
desen'es  especial  notice.  The  school  had  assembled,  the 
opening  hymn  had  been  sung,  and  the  boy  pupils  were 
bracing  themselves  to  answer  questions  upon  the  lesson  of 
the  day  and  to  receive  without  wincing  the  pinches  of  their 
mischievous  fellows.  Suddenly  a  young  lady,  certified  to 
be  "  of  excellent  standing  in  the  community,"  entered  the 
room,  carr}ang  a  large  hickor}^  stick.  Pausing  just  within 
the  threshold,  she  propounded  to  the  superintendent  in  a 
loud  voice  the  startling  conundrum,  "  Where  is  the  scoun- 
drel ?  "  The  superintendent,  with  a  skilfully  assumed  air 
of  surprise,  made  no  reply,  and  the  scholars,  conceiving 
that  the  question  was  part  of  the  lesson,  began  to  feel  un- 
easy as  to  the  proper  answer.     Their  anxiety  was    soon 


248  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES, 

relieved,  for  the  young  lady  suddenly  exclaimed,  "  Oh,  there 
he  is !  "  and  rapidly  approached  a  teacher  who  had  been 
thoughtfully  assigned  a  seat  where  he  was  easily  within 
view  of  every  scholar.  Having  reached  him,  the  young 
lady  fell  upon  him  with  the  hickory  stick,  and  began  to 
destroy  him  with  wonderful  vigor  and  animation.  No 
words  can  paint  the  enthusiasm  w^hich  the  scene  excited. 
The  smaller  children  stood  on  the  seats  in  order  to  obtain 
a  fair  view  of  the  entertainment,  and  kind-hearted  teachers 
caught  up  little  girls  on  their  shoulders  and  laished  with 
them  to  the  front.  The  superintendent,  with  a  face  beam- 
ing with  delight,  held  the  young  lady  by  a  corner  of  her 
sleeves,  and  pretended  to  make  desperate  efforts  to  draw 
her  from  her  prey.  Not  until  he  was  reinforced  by  several 
teachers  did  the  young  woman  pause  in  her  labors,  and 
when  she  had  gracefully  retired,  amid  the  applause  of  the 
excited  house,  the  alleged  scoundrel,  in  a  partially  de- 
stroyed stat-e,  was  led  forth  in  quest  of  arnica  and  brown 
paper. 

Now,  here  was  an  attraction  w'hich  involved  a  very 
small  outlay  of  money,  but  which  gave  tlie  most  complet-e 
satisfaction  to  every  youthful  Kentuckian  in  the  room.  It 
was  an  entertainment  which  appealed  to  the  tenderest  emo- 
tions of  the  Kentucky  small-boy  in  a  way  that  the  best  pic- 
ture ever  presented  by  the  stereopticon  could  not  have 
done.  No  elaborate  preparations  were  required  in  order 
to  give  the  scholars  this  delightful  treat.  All  that  was  need- 
ed was  an  agreement  between  the  intelligent  superinten- 
dent, a  warm-hearted  and  earnest  young  lady,  and  a  self- 
sacrificiug  scoundrel.  These  three  excellent  persons  made 
the  Sunday-school  the  liveliest  place  in  the  whole  region, 
and  generations  of  Sunday-school  scholars  yet  unborn  will 
remember  with  reverential  gratitude  the  names  of  the  in- 
genious inventors  of  t'his  unparalleled  Kentucky  Sunday- 
school  entertainment. 

This  affecting  incident  shows  how  much  good  may  be 
done  by  persons  who  have  no  money  at  their  command, 
but  who  are  animated  by  a  love  for  children  and  a  determi- 
nation to  make  them  happy.  That  Kentucky  Sunday-school 
will  secure  the  attendance  of  every  child  within  a  radius  of 


AA\]fS  AND   THE  CHAIR. 


249 


ten  miles,  if  it  continues  to  repeat  so  powerful  an  attraction. 
A  word  of  caution  should,  however,  be  given  to  the  Super- 
intendent. He  should  remember  that  the  part  of  the 
scoundrel  is  not  a  pleasant  one,  and  he  should  insist  upon 
all  his  male  teachers  assuming  it  in  turn.  Otherwise,  the 
earnest  young  lady  with  the  hickory  stick,  may  ultimately 
destroy  her  victim,  and  so  bring  the  Sunday-school  into 
painful  conflict  with  the  local  Police  Court. 


ARMS  AND  THE  CHAIR. 

An  aggrieved  traveller,  who  had  suffered  from  the  in- 
geniously-uncomfortable "Chairs  with  which  certain  railway 
palace-cars  are  furnished,  recently  wrote  to  the  Times  and 
explained  at  some  length  the  varieties  of  muscular  anguish 
which  chairs  without  arms  and  unaccompanied  by  footstools 
inevitably  produce.  The  next  day  a  lady  replied  with 
great  vigor  in  defense  of  the  armless  chairs,  and  ex- 
pressed the  utmost  surprise  that  "  any  living  being " 
should  object  to  them.  Whether  she  intended  to  concede 
that  a  corpse  of  good  taste  and  judgment  might  have  some 
special  reason  for  preferring  arm-chairs  is  not  absolutely 
certain.  She  makes  it  very  apparent,  however,  that  living 
women  prefer  chairs  without  arms,  while  it  may  be  assumed 
as  an  axiom  that  men  always  prefer  chairs  with  arms.  In 
these  circumstances,-  what  are  the  owners  of  palace-cars  to 
do  1  If  they  please  one  sex,  they  must  displease  the  other, 
unless  they  can  change  the  fashion  of  feminine  dress  or 
alter  the  whole  character  of  the  masculine  spine. 

Hitherto  palace-car  chairs  have  been  constructed  ex- 
clusively in  the  interests  of  women.  Any  skilful  anatomist 
if  he  were  to  be  shown  one  of  these  chairs  would  instantly 
detect  its  feminine  peculiarities.  The  unreflecting  mascu- 
line letter-writer  complained  that  the  back  of  the  palace- 
car  chair  is  furnished  with  cushions  at  its  point  of  contact 
with  the  shoulder-blades,  and  that  the  locality  properly 
known  as  the  "  small  of  the  back  "  is  left  without  any  sup- 
port whatever.     This  he  regarded  as  a  proof  that  the  chair- 


V 


250  SIXTH  COL  UMX  FANCIES. 

builders  know  nothing  of  anatomy.  It  evidently  has  not 
occurred  to  him  to  ask  if  thispeculiar  pattern  of  chair-back 
is  not  designed  for  wom-en  instead  of  men  ;  for  the  slight- 
est investigation  would  have  convinced  him  that  the  very 
features  to  which  he  takes  exception  are  precisely  those 
which  recommend  the  palace-car  chair  to  its  female  admir- 
ers. A  very  simple  experiment  will  demonstrate  this  fact. 
Let  him  place  twelve  copies  of  his  favorite  newspaper 
rolled  into  a  neat  bundle,  in  the  skirts  of  his  coat,  and  then 
sit  down  in  the  chair  which  he  now  denounces.  He  will 
find  that  the  back  of  the  chair  has  suddenly  become  per- 
fectly comfortable,  and,  after  he  has  been  told  that  during 
the  last  two  years  these  chairs  have  been  carefully  con- 
structed to  fit  precisely  twelve  single  or-  nine  triple-sheet 
copies  of  one  of  the  leading  journals  of  America,  he  will 
no  longer  charge  the  chair-builders  with  gross  ignorance  of 
anatomy. 

A  little  reflection  wi-11  also  show  that  the  palace-car 
chairs  are  made  without  arms  expressly  in  order  to  satisfy 
the  exigencies  of  feminine  fashion.  It  is  true  that  the 
narrow  skirts  nov/  in  vogue  have  to  some  extent  opened 
the  world  of  arm-chairs  to  the  fair  sex,  but  the  chair-builder 
builds  not  for  a  day,  but  for  the  whole  period  during  which 
a  palace-car  may  last,  and  consequently  he  must  provide 
for  any  sudden  change  of  fashion.  If  the  palace  cars  were 
furnished  with  arm-chairs,  and  if  crinoline  were  to  suddenly 
become  once  more  fashionable,  it  would  be  mere  folly  for 
any  lady  to  buy  a  palace-car  ticket.  Even  during  the 
present  reign  of  narrow  skirts  there  is  a  want  of  female 
confidence  in  arm-chairs,  due  partly  to  early  education  and 
partly  to  the  fact  that  such  chairs  are  justly  suspected  of 
*'  crumpling  "  every  woman  who  is  not  abnormally  limp. 
Of  course,  the  advocates  of  "  dress  reform  "  do  not  object 
to  arms,  as  they  are  proof  against  all  possibility  of  "  crump- 
ling," but  it  would  hardly  be  worth  while  to  build  palace- 
cars  merely  for  the  purpose  of  accommodating  so  small  a 
class  of  the  community. 

There  is  one  more  objectipn  to  arm-chairs,  the  force  of 
which  every  close  student  of  feminine  habits  must  admit. 
When   a  woman  sits   down  with  the   intention   of  making 


ARMS  AND  THE  CHAIR. 


251 


herself  conitortable,  there  is  an  immediate  and  total  disap- 
pearance of.  one  of  her  boots.  What  becomes  of  that  boot 
is  a  mystery  which  thoughtful  men  in  all  ages  have  vainly 
yearned  to  solve.  Bacon  is  understood  to  have  classed  it 
among  his  list  of  the  arcana  of  nature,though  it  is  unaccount- 
ably omitted  in  the  later  editions  of  his  works,  and  Sir 
Isaac  Newton,  when  on  his  death-bed,  sadly  remarked  to 
his  daughters  that  he  had  successfully  grappled  with  gravi- 
tation, but  that  this  boot  problem  had  "  thrown  him.''/  A 
long  series  of  careful  scientific  observations  have,  however, 
established  the  fact  that  this  curious  phenomenon  cannot 
occur  in  connection  with  an  arm-chair.  It  is  hence  plain 
that  no  woman  can  achieve  comfort  except  in  a  chair  de- 
void of  arms,  and  it  is  our  duty  to  reverently  accept  this 
truth,  although  in  this  stage  of  our  existence,  our  minds 
cannot  grasp  the  mystery  which  underlies  it. 

It  having  been  thus  demonstrated  that  palace-car  chairs 
are  made  after  their  present  pattern  solely  in  order  to  adapt 
them  to  the  comfort  of  women,  it  is  hardly  probably  that 
chivalrous  men  will  continue  to  find  fault  with  them.  Of 
course,  there  are  selfish  bachelors  who  would  prefer  that 
palace-cars  should  be  exclusively  reserved  for  men  ;  but, 
fortunately,  such  hardened  misogynists  are  not  numerous. 
The  American  gentleman  will  cease  to  ask  that  palace-car 
chairs  shall  be  fitted  to  his  personal  wants,  but  he  will  try 
the  more  generous  alternative  of  fitting  his  own  person  to 
the  armless  chairs.  On  entering  the  car  "he  will  fold  his 
twelve  newspapers  about  him,  and  sit  down  with  confidence 
in  the  comfort  of  his  spine.  He  will  improvise  a  couple 
of  slings  by  aid  of  handkerchiefs,  and  so  secure  a  pleasant 
support  for  each  arm,  and  it  is  not  impossible  that  he  may 
devise  some  plan  for  disposing  of  one  of  his  boots,  which 
although  it  may  differ  from  the  feminine  method,  may  yet 
conduce  to  ease  and  comfort.  Thus  will  both  sexes  be 
satisfied  with  the  palace-car  chairs,  and  there  will  be  no 
further  occasion  for  an  unseemly  strife  between  men  and 
women  as  to  the  proper  w^ay  in  w^hich  the  chairs  should  be 
constructed. 


252  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 


WAS  IT  A  COINCIDENCE? 

Latterly  the  ghost  market  has  been  unusually  dull. 
Owing,  possibly,  to  the  repeated  exposures  of  "  materializ- 
ing mediums,"  the  demand  for  ghosts  has  largely  fallen  off, 
and  dealers  have  lacked  courage  to  bring  forward  any  new 
and  attractive  styles.  A  novel  and  interesting  ghost  has, 
however,  recently  made  its  appearance  at  Walkersville, 
Wis.,  which  really  deserves  to  be  brought  to  the  attention 
of  all  enterprising  ghost  collectors. 

For  a  long  time  a  young  gentleman  of  Walkersville, 
whose  identity  may  be  concealed  under  the  name  of  Smith, 
cherished  a  desire  to  make  the  acquaintance  of  a  few  select 
and  attractive  ghosts,  with  a  view  to  mutual  improvement. 
To  this  end  he  placed  himself  under  the  tuition  of  a  Chi- 
cago medium,  who  undertook  to  refine  his  spiritual  vision 
to  that  extent  that  he  would  be  able  to  see  any  specified 
sort  of  ghost  at  any  time  or  place.  With  the  medium  Mr. 
Smith  had  daily  "  sittings  "  for  several  weeks,  at  the  low 
rate  of  $5  per  sitting,  but  when  his  first  quarter's  tuition 
was  ended,  and  lie  had  not  seen  so  much  as  the  glow  of 
a  political  ghost's  nose,  he  became  indignant,  denounced 
the  medium  as  an  impostor,  and  returned  to  his  rural  home. 
It  is  only  fair  to  say  that  the  medium  indignantly  repelled 
his  accusation  that  he  was  an  impostor.  He  pleaded  that 
a  watched  ghost  rarely  boils,  so  to  speak,  and  that  the  mere 
fact  that  his  pupil  had  not  been  able  to  see  ghosts  on  de- 
mand was  no  evidence  that  he  would  not  be  able  to  see 
them  at  some  future  time.  The  justice  of  this  defense  has 
since  been  established.  Mr.  Smith,  who  could  see  no 
ghosts  in  the  medium's  room,  has  since  seerv  the  most  re- 
markable ghost  of  the  year — not  to  say  of  the  century. 

A  month  ago  Mr.  Smith  was  sitting  in  his  bedroom 
wishing  that  when  the  landlady  boiled  cabbage  she  would 
keep  the  kitchen  door  shut,  and  yearning  for  the  infinite. 


WAS  IT  A  COINCIDENCE?  253 

The  hour  was  11  o'clock  p.m.,  and  he  was  on  the  point  of 
preparing  for  bed  by  throwing^  something  at  the  tuneful 
cats  on  the  back  fence,  when  he  suddenly  became  aware 
that  he  was  not  alone.  A  vague  mysterious  dread  as  of  a 
large  athletic  creditor  with  a  heavy  club,  oppressed  him, 
and  he  would  probably  have  fled  into  the  hall  were  it  not 
that  he  would  have  been  certain  to  fall  over  the  house-dog 
and  thus  excite  the  suspicions  of  that  hasty  animal.  He 
therefore  seated  himself  calmly  in  a  chair,  with  his  back 
against  the  wall,  and  remarked  to  himself  in  a  soothing 
and  explanatory  manner,  "rats."  In  another  moment  the 
rat  hypothesis  was  overthrown  by  an  elderly  and  fat  female 
ghost,  who  quietly  floated  before  his  astonished  vision,  and 
gazed  steadfastly  into  his  terrified  eyes. 

Female,  fat,  and  elderly  ghosts  are  by  no  means  novel- 
ties, but  there  was  that  in  th^  appearance  of  this  particular 
ghost  which  was  well  adapted  to  startle  the  coolest  ghost- 
seer.  The  ghost  did  not  touch  the  floor,  but  floated  about 
four  feet  above  it,  in  a  graceful,  wavy  manner,  not  unlike 
the  swaying  motion  of  a  captive  balloon.  What  chiefly  at- 
tracted Mr.  Smith's  attention,  however,  was  the  peculiar 
attitude  of  this  ghostly  female.  She  was  poised  in  mid-air 
with  her  head  downward,  and  her  arms  and  legs  extended 
in  straight  and  rigid  lines.  Her  dress  was  a  voluminous 
black  alpaca,  somewhat  rusty,  and  apparently  water-stained, 
and  a  wide  belt  of  some  unrecognizable  material  was 
fastened  around  her  in  the  presumed  region  of  the  knees, 
which  preserved  Mr.  Smith's  feelings  from  too  violent  a 
shock.  Swaying  gently  to  and  fro, "  this  peculiar  ghost 
smiled  sadly  at  Mr.  Smith,  and  winked  at  him  in  a  manner 
so  trying  to  his  sensibilities  that  he  could  scarcely  bear  to 
look  at  her.  Had  she  winked  with  her  mouth  and  smiled 
with  either  eye,  his  nerves  would  have  borne  the  strain,  but 
there  was  undoubtedly  something  very  painful  in  a  wink 
situated  three  or  four  inches  below  the  locality  of  the  ac- 
companying smile. 

Mr.  Smith  had  finally  achieved  his  longing  to  see  a 
ghost,  but  after  all,  this  reversed  old  lady  failed  to  give  him 
any  real  comfort.  It  was  impossible  to  ask  such  a  pre- 
posterous being  any  serious  questions  as  to  the  other  life, 


254 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FAXCIES. 


or  to  propose  to  her  to  become  his  guardian  angel  and 
spirit  wife.  Still,  he  was  determined  not  to  be  afraid  of 
her,  and  so,  hastily  bending  down  the  ends  of  his  hair  with 
both  hands  he  requested  her  to  "  avaunt  " — such  being,  in 
his  opinion,  the  most  effective  method  of  exorcism.  But 
the  ghost  declined  to  do  anything  of  the  sort.  She  merely 
floated  once  around  the  room,  occasionally  banging  her 
head  on  the  edge  of  the  trunk  and  the  foot  board  of  the 
bed,  and  then  resumed  her  station  at  three  yards'  distance 
from  the  too-successful  ghost-seeker. 

Now,  Mr.  Smith  was  one  who  firmly  believed  that  he 
who  lays  his  hand  upon  a  woman,  save  in  kindness  and  in 
a  reasonably  dark  room,  is  a  man  whom  it  would  be  unfair 
to  call  a  book  agent.  But  a  ghost  is  not,  strictly  speaking, 
a  woman,  and  is  not  entitled  to  be  treated  a^  much.  Hold- 
ing this  very  reasonable  view, -Mr.  Smith  firmly  requested 
his  ghostly  visitor  to  "get  out,"  thinking  that  she  might 
have  misunderstood  the  word  "  avaunt  "  ;  but,  finding  that 
she  still  persisted  in  dangling  before  him,  he  seized  the  poker 
and  dealt  her  a  violent  blow.  The  poker  passed  directly 
through  her  shadowy  form  and  smashed  the  lamp,  and 
when  the  occupant  of  the  next  room,  who  had  been 
awakened  by  the  crash,  rushed  in  with  a  candle,  Mr.  Smith 
was  found  in  a  fainting  fit,  beautifully  diversified  with 
kerosene  and  broken  glass,  but  still  grasping  the  poker  in 
his  rigid  hand. 

Since  then  Mr.  Smith  has  seen  no  more  ghosts,  and 
does  not  wish  to  see  any.  Of  course,  the  average  person 
who  reads  of  the  floating  female  ghost  will  scornfully  insist 
that  Mr.  Smith  was  either  dreaming,  drunk,  or  idiotic. 
Without  going  behind  the  face  of  the  returns  to  investigate 
this  question,  it  must  be  mentioned  that  he  subsequently 
learned  that  years  ago  his  room  had  been  occupied  by  an 
old  lady  who  was  drowned  by  the  sinking  of  a  steamer  on 
Lake  Michigan,  and  whose  body  was  found  with  a  life  pre- 
server fastened  about  the  knees,  the  effect  of  which  was  to 
cause  her  to  float  head  downward.  Was  this  historical 
fact  connected  with  Mr.  Smith's  vision,  or  did  the  two 
merely  constitute  a  coincidence  ?  This  is  a  question  which 
does  not  admit  of  a  conclusive  answer  without  careful  \\\- 


THE  SPREAD  OF  RESPECTABILITY.  255 

vestigation.  Meanwhile,  it  may  be  cheerfully  admitted  that 
Mr.  Smith's  ghost  was  decidedly  the  most  remarkable  ghost 
which  has  so  far  revisited  the  glimpses  of  the  Wisconsin, 
or  indeed  the  American,  moon. 


THE  SPREAD  OF  RESPECTABILITY. 

The  recent  flight  of  several  eminently  respectable  gen- 
tlemen who  had  misappropriated  the  funds  of  other  people, 
ought  to  attract  attention  to  the  rapid  increase  in  numbers 
and  power  of  the  so-called  respectable  classes. 

It  needs  no  demonstration  that  the  crime  of  abusing 
trusts  and  embezzling  trust  estates  is  one  which  is  monop- 
olized by  the  respectable  classes.  The  tramp,  the  bur- 
glar, or  the  pickpocket,  no  matter  howdepraved  he  may 
be,  is  never  knov/n  to  run  away  with  one  or  more  hundred 
thousand  dollars  which  have  been  confided  to  his  care. 
Poverty,  undoubtedly,  tempts  weak  men  to  crime,  but  when 
has  a  poor  workman,  or  even  a  common  pauper,  been 
guilty  of  embezzling  the  funds  of  a  savings  bank  or  of 
squandering  at  the  gaming  table  or  the  Stock  Exchange 
the  property  of  widows  or  orphans  ?  Crimes  of  this 
character  are  invariably  committed  by  respectable  men, 
and  their  growing  frequency  shows  that  tlie  respectable 
classes  are  increasing  to  an  alarming  extent.  Respectable 
men  have  gradually  worked  their  way  into  positions  of 
prominence  and  trust,  until  at  the  present  moment  they 
actually  control  most  of  our  banks,  insurance  companies, 
and  other  moneyed  corporations.  As  a  rule, the  presidents 
of  these  corporations  are  men  of  notorious  and  conspicu- 
ous respectability.  Among  the  bank  cashiers  and  treas- 
urers who  daily  handle  vast  sums  of  money  can  be  found 
men  whose  confirmed  respectability  has  been  a  matter  of 
common  report  for  years.  We  have  in  this  city  become 
pretty  well  accustomed  to  the  rule  of  the  vicious  elements 
of  society,  but  were  the  statistics  to  be  published  which 
prove  the  extent  to  which  the  respectable  classes  control 


256  SIX TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

moneyed  corporations  and  private  trust  funds,  the  commun- 
ity would  be  absolutely  appalled. 

The  danger  of  this  state  of  things  is  self-evident. 
Experience  has  shown  that  wdien  an  eminently  respectable 
man  thinks  that  the  time  has  come  for  him  to  take  what- 
ever money  is  within  his  reach,  and  to  carry  it  with  him  to 
Belgium  or  Spain,  nothing  can  prevent  him  from  carrying 
out  his  purpose.  Our  first  knowledge  of  his  crime  comes 
from  the  discovery  that  he  has  already  made  his  escape  ; 
and  our  only  consolation  must  be  drawn  from  the  assertions 
of  his  friends  that  they  had  never  thought  him  capable  of 
embezzlement.  The  blindness  of  such  friends  is  difficult 
of  explanation.  Those  who  know  the  last  respectable 
gentleman  who  has  disappeared  with  the  property  of  con- 
fiding persons,  must  have  known  that  for  years  his  re- 
spectabilty  was  notorious.  He  was  not  merely  accused 
here  and  there,  by  malicious  enemies,  of  having  been 
occasionally  respectable,  but  ever}^  man  and  woman  who 
had  ever  heard  his  name  knew  that  habitual  and  hardened 
respectability  was  his  most  prominent  characteristic.  Had 
he  been  a  penniless  outcast,  sleeping  at  night  on  the  Park 
benches,  and  begging  whiskey  from  charitable  liquor-sellers, 
no  one  would  have  suspected  him  of  an  intention  to  em- 
bezzle the  funds  of  a  church  or  a  savings-bank  ;  but  why 
any  one  should  have  been  surprised  that  so  thoroughly 
respectable  a  man  should  have  been  proved  a  defaulter  is 
explicable  only  upon  the  hypothesis  that  too  partial  fdends 
wilfully  shut  their  eyes  to  his  respectability  and  its  natural 
tendencies. 

How  we  can  suppress  the  respectable  classes  and  put, 
a  stop  to  their  depredations  is  not  very  clear,  but  it  is 
evident  that  unless  we  are  willing  to  have  all  the  loose 
change  in  the  country  carried  off  to  Europe  by  absconding 
defaulters,  something  must  be  done.  It  is  worth  while  to 
inquire  whether  an  "  Habitual  Respectability  act,"  modelled 
upon  the  "  Habitual  Criminals  act,"  might  not  prove  use- 
ful. Under  the  latter  act  the  police  have  the  right  to  ar- 
rest any  person  who  is  known  to  be  an  habitual  criminal, 
and  the  magistrates  have  the  power  to  commit  him  to 
prison.     It  is  not  necessary  for   him  to  commit  any  overt 


THE  SPREAD  OF  RESPECTABILITY. 


257 


act  of  crime,  but  the  mere  fact  of  his  habitual  criminality 
warrants  his  arrest  and  detention,  as  a  preventive  measure. 
Now,  if  the  police  were  authorized  and  required  to  keep 
under  surveillance  all  men  who  are  know'n  to  be  habitually 
addicted  to  respectability,  the  opportunities  for  successful 
crime  would  be  greatly  lessened.  From  time  to  time  it 
would  be  well  to  arrest  two  or  three  pre-eminently  respect- 
able men,  and  to  give  them  thirty  days  each  on  BlackwelFs 
Island,  as  a  wholesome  warning  to  their  confederates  in 
respectability.  It  is  not  pretended  that  respectability 
could  be  wholly  suppressed  by  the  passage  and  enforce- 
ment of  such  an  act,  but  there  is  certainly  good  reason  to 
suppose  that  the  measure  would  have  a  restraining  and 
beneficial  influence. 

After  all,  we  must  rely  mainly  upon  the  effect  of  educa- 
tion and  careful  moral  training.  Most  of  our  leading, 
respectable  men  are  the  offspring  of  respectable  parents, 
whose  tendencies  they  inherit.  We  have  no  right  to  ex- 
pect that  a  boy  born  in  a  hot-bed  of  respectabihty,  and  ac- 
customed from  his  infancy  upward  to  associate  exclusively 
with  persons  among  w^hom  respectability  is  esteemed  as 
something  manly  and  creditable,  will  be  better  than  the 
influences  which  surround  and  form  him.  He  will  grow 
up  an  open  and  shamelessly  respectable  man,  and  he  will 
naturally  have  funds  committed  to  him,  wdth  which  he  will 
run  away  in  due  time.  If  we  wish  to  successfully  combat 
this  giant  evil, we  must  rescue  the  young  and  innocent  from 
the  respectable  influences  to  which  they  are  exposed,  and 
carefully  train  them  in  a  better  way.  By  this  means  we 
may  check  their  evil  tendencies,  and  render  them  a  bless- 
ing rather  than  a  danger  to  the  community.  That  things 
can  be  long  permitted  to  go  on  as  they  are  at  present  is 
manifestly  imjDossible.  To  the  danger  to  life  from  the  bold 
and  lawless  police  element  is  now  added  the  danger  to 
property  from  the  alarming  increase  of  the  respectable 
class,  and  if  we  are  successfully  to  cope  with  these  two 
dangers,  we  must  arouse  ourselves  to  the  task  at  once. 

17 


258 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


SOCIAL  BANDITS. 

The  bold  bad  men  and  women  who  make  it  a  practice 
to  outrage  tiie  sanctity  of  happy  homes,  by  invading  them 
under  the  liollow  pretext  of  "  surprise  parties,"  are  now 
laying  their  plans  and  organizing  their  forces  for  a  winter 
campaign  of  active  crime.  It  must  be  admitted  that  they 
pursue  their  wicked  business  with  a  skill  much  greater 
than  that  of  the  average  burglar.  They  never  attack  a 
house  except  in  circumstances  which  insure  the  infliction 
of  a  satisfactory  amount  of  misery  upon  the  inmates.  The 
knowledge  requisite  to  insure  this  uniform  success  is,  of 
course,  the  result  of  a  careful  system  of  espionage.  When- 
ever a  householder  is  laboring  under  a  black  eye,  or  when- 
ever his  wife  has  sent  her  only  set  of  false  teeth  to  the 
dentist's  with  a  view  to  repairs,  the  social  bandits  swoop 
down  upon  that  devoted  house  in  resistless  force.  Doubt- 
less, the  bandits  are  in  many  cases  in  league  with  the 
servants,  and  obtain  from  them  the  information  which  is 
subsequently  turned  to  so  nefarious  an  account.  Still, 
even  households  in  which  there  are  no  servants  whatever 
^re  not  safe  from  assault,  and  hence  the  conclusion  is 
inevitable  that  the  managers  of  surprise  parties  employ  to 
a  great  extent  their  own  private  detectives.  The  knowl- 
edge of  this  fact  adds  to  the  terror  in  which  the  timid 
householder  lives.  He  cannot  tell  what  moment  he  may 
be  inveigled  into  entertaining  spies  unawares.  The  plau- 
sible tract-distributor,  the  ostensible  returned  missionary, 
or  the  alleged  gas-inspector  may  be  the  hired  tool  of  social 
bandits ;  and  while  he  is  discussing  topics  of  apparently 
the  most  innocent  character,  he  may  be  noting  the  weak 
points  of  the  household  defenses,  and  fixing  upon  the  best 
time  for  a  night  attack. 

It  is  not  creditable  to  the  respectable  part  of  the  com- 
munity that  so  little  effort  is  made  to  repel  the  assaults  of 


SOCIAL  BANDITS.  259 

surprise  parties.  Usually  the  bandits  succeed  without 
difficulty  in  allaying  the  suspicions  and  abusing  the  confi- 
dence of  the  most  faithful  dogs,  and  thus  reach  the  front 
door  unharmed,  and  summon  their  victims  to  surrender. 
It  is  true  that  the  bandits  always  attack  in  strong  parties, 
but  that  is  not  a  sufficient  reason  that  they  should  not  be 
resisted.  Humiliating  as  it  undoubtedly  is,  it  cannot  be 
denied  that  in  nearly  every  instance,  the  summons  is 
obeyed  and  the  doors  are  opened.  The  enemy  rushes  in, 
and  all  the  horrors  of  a  moral  sack  immediately  follow. 
The  children,  awakened  by  the  uproar,  yell  dismally  from 
their  rooms.  The  trembling  matron  in  her  wrapper  and 
with  one  hemisphere  of  her  head  in  curl  papers,  is  sur- 
rounded by  heartless  wretches  who  mock  her  misery  with 
protestations  of  pretended  friendship,  while  the  man  of  the 
house,  in  slippers  and  dressing-gown,  is  made  wretchedly 
conscious  of  the  ungainly  figure  which  he  presents  by  con- 
trast with  gay,  well-dressed  and  handsome  bandits.  Occa- 
sionally the  malefactors  bring  with  them  refreshments  of  a 
peculiarly  greasy  nature,  which  they  scatter  among  the 
books  and  prints  on  the  drawing-room  table,  and  trample 
into  the  carpet.  The  mental  anguish  and  the  material 
devastation  wrought  by  a  ruthless  surprise  party  cannot  be 
contemplated  by  a  humane  person  without  a  shudder  ;  and 
were  the  true  history  of  a  single  season  of  American  sur- 
prise parties  to  be  written,  the  Turkish  atrocities  in  Bul- 
garia would  seem  in  comparison,  trivial,  if  not  positivelv 
pleasant  and  soothing. 

So  far  as  can  be  learned,  there  is  but  one  instance  in 
which  a  surprise  party  has  been  successfully  worsted  and 
beaten  off.  This  glorious  achievement  was  the  work  of  an 
ingenious  and  determined  man  residing  in  Chicago.  Hav- 
ing reason  to  expect  an  attack,  he  severed  the  wire  of  the 
front-door  bell  and  securely  riveted  the  bell-handle  to  the 
door-post.  He  then  sawed  through  the  fastenings  of  the 
door-post,  and,  arming  himself  with  a  large  club,  lay  in 
ambush  behind  the  parlor  window.  The  bandits  ap- 
proached in  a  solid  phalanx  at  least  thirty  strong.  A 
hoary-headed  reprobate  who  had  achieved  an  infamous 
notoriety  as  a  ringleader  in  surprise  parties,  donation  riots, 


26o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

and  other  scenes  of  violence  and  crime,  led  the  way,  and 
boldly  attempted  to  pull  the  door  bell.  Urged  on  by  his 
malignant  disposition  and  a  false  report  that  the  head  of 
the  house  was  suffering  from  a  nervous  headache,  he  pulled 
the  bell-handle  with  all  his  force.  The  treacherous  door- 
post gave  way,  crushing  him  in  its  fall,  and  sweeping  the 
legs  of  a  dozen  bandits  from  under  them  as  it  rolled  heavily 
down  the  steps.  With  a  despairing  yell  the  miscreants 
who  were  yet  unhurt  fled  away,  and  the  heroic  householder 
sallied  forth  and  humanely  put  the  wounded  out  of  their 
misery  with  his  club.  In  the  morning  the  dustman  re- 
moved thirteen  lifeless  bodies,  while  a  fourteenth  bandit, 
who  still  showed  signs  of  life  was  carried  to  a  hospital  for 
purposes  of  vivisection. 

May  we  not  hope  that  this  thrilling  story  will  infuse 
new  courage  into  the  breasts  of  timid  householders  ?  It 
proves  that  the  social  bandit  is  not  invincible,  and  that 
only  courage  and  determination  are  needed  to  put  him  to 
flight.  In  this  land  of  chemical  engines  and  hot-water 
boilers  it  is  folly  to  say  that  a  brave  man  cannot  defend 
his  house  against  a  score  of  bandits,  whose  bravery  is 
mainly  due  to  the  impunity  which  has  hitherto  attended 
their  exploits.  They  who  would  be  free,  themselves  must 
keep  the  front  door  locked.  When  the  enemy  rings  the 
bell  and  summons  the  garrison,  let  him  be  met  with  a 
shower  of  hot  water  and  played  upon  with  a  carbonic  acid 
fire-extinguisher.  If  he  proves  intractable  to  mild  meas- 
ures, let  the  revolver  and  rifle  accomplish  their  perfect 
work.  It  is  time  that  a  free  people  should  rise  in  their 
majesty  and  remark  that  they  wdll  no  longer  be  intimidated 
by  surprise  parties.  If  this  great  evil  can  be  successfully 
resisted  in  the  very  heart  of  Chicago,  it  can  surely  be 
attacked  in  cities  where  civilization  and  Christianity  pre- 
vail, and  where  there  exists  at  least  a  vague  impression 
that  violence  and  crime  are  to  a  certain  extent  undesirable. 


GOING   TO   THE  DOGS.  261 


GOING  TO  THE  DOGS. 

_  It  is  the  professed  opinion  of  numerous  timid  and  dis- 
satisfied souls  that  this  country  is  going  to  the  dogs.  Nei- 
ther the  particular  species  of  dogs,  nor  the  exact  quantity  of 
them,  is  specified,  but  that  our  beloved  land  is  rapidly  going 
to  a  good  many  different  kinds  of  dogs  is  a  conclusion  to 
which  every  credulous  person  must  come  who  listens  to  the 
despairing  prophecies  of  discontented  old  gentlemen.  Now, 
there  is  nothing  to  be  gained  by  shutting  our  eyes  to  the  possi- 
bilities of  the  future.  When  unpleasant  people  make  what 
at  first  glance  seems  to  be  an  unpleasant  prophecy,  it  is 
much  better  to  boldly  look  the  matter  in  the  face.  When 
we  are-told  that  we  are  going  to  the  dogs,  let  us  examine  the 
character  of  the  dogs,  and  inquire  what  would  be  the  result 
if  we  were  really  to  go  to  them.  It  is  far  better  to  know 
and  to  be  prepared  for  the  worst  that  can  possibly  happen 
than  it  is  to  go  forward  in  foolhardy  confidence  until  the 
crisis  is  at  hand,  and  we  are  compelled  to  face  it  without 
preparation,  and  hampered  by  the  demoralization  produced 
by  a  terrible  surprise.  It  may  be  possible  that  the  dogs 
are  already  aware  that  the  country  is  shortly  coming  into 
their  paws,  and  that  they  are  qualifying  themselves  for  the 
vast  responsibility  that  is  to  be  thrust  upon  them.  At  any 
rate,  they  have  recently  given  new  evidences  of  their  won- 
derful intellectual  powers  and  extraordinary  nobility  of 
soul.  The  other  day  a  Chicago  dog,  who  had  been  left 
at  home  ni  sole  charge  of  a  number  of  young  children, 
whose  parents  had  just  stepped  out  for  a  friendly  divorce, 
noticed  that  the  youngest  child  had  managed  to  set  her 
dress  on  fire.  Instantly  that  admirable  dog  threw  the  child 
down  on  the  floor,  tore  off  its  garments,  and  saved  its  life, 
although,  in  the  effort,  he  sustained  burns  which  will  prob- 
ably disfigure  his  tail  forever.  Our  readers  have  doubtless 
heard  of  the  Oshkosh  dog,  who  had  won  a  brilliant  reputa- 


262  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

tion  by  dragging  scores  of  drowning  people  out  of  the  wa- 
ter, but  who,  on  seeing  a  wandering  book  agent  struggling 
in  the  lake,  into  which  he  had  accidentally  fallen,  turned  a 
series  of  joyful  sommersaults  on  the  bank,  and  then,  fearing 
that  the  book  agent  would  struggle  into  shallow  water,  de- 
liberately swam  out  to  meet  him,  and  held  his  head  under 
until  the  good  work  was  fully  accomplished.  Then  there  is 
the  story  of  the  dog  belonging  to  a  colored  preacher  residing 
in  Kentucky,  into  whose  house  his  neighbor's  chickens 
were  in  the  habit  of  breaking  in  the  dead  of  night  in  order 
to  intimidate  him,  and  whom  the  same  skeptical  neighbor 
accused  of  having  wickedly  robbed  his  hen-roost.  One 
day  that  intelligent  dog  determined  to  avert  all  suspicion 
from  his  master.  The  very  next  time  that  a  chicken  broke 
down  his  master's  front  door  he  seized  the  intruder,  carried 
it  to  the  back-yard  of  the  leading  Presbyterian  Elder, 
where  he  carefully  pulled  out  all  its  feathers,  and  then  car- 
ried the  denuded  corpse  home  to  his  appreciative  master. 
And  tlien  there  is  the  seafaring  dog  belonging  to  a  down- 
east  schooner,  who,  meeting  an  unhappy  friend  in  Water 
street  with  a  tin  kettle  tied  to  his  tail  by  a  Jong  string, 
carefully  took  a  turn  with  the  string  around  a  telegraph 
post,  made  it  fast  with  a  running  bowline,  and  then  taking 
his  friend  by  the  collar,  hauled  away  until  the  sudden  un- 
shipping of  his  tail  set  the  insulted  animal  at  liberty.  And, 
finally,  brief  reference  may  be  made  to  the  commercial 
ability  of  the  terrier  dog  of  Cincinnati,  who,  being  extreme- 
ly skilful  in  the  capture  of  rats,  w^as  accustomed  to  retail 
them  to  the  local  cats  at  a  fair  price  in  current  bones,  and 
M'ho  so  thoroughly  comprehended  the  modern  spirit  of  trade 
that  he  was  in  the  habit  of  offering  attractive  premiums  in 
mice  to  the  cat  who  should  bring  him  the  largest  quantity 
of  bones  within  a  given  period. 

If  the  countrv  is  really  going  to  such  intelligent  dogs 
as  these,  what  is  there  in  the  prospect  tliat  need  fill  us  with 
alarm?  Surely,  a  Congress- of  dogs  would  make  fewer 
tedious  speeches — except  when  debating  questions  relating 
to  the  full  moon — than  would  a  Congress  of  American 
statesmen,  and  would  display  quite  as  much  intelligence  in 
grappling  with  the  financial  problem  as  is  displayed  by  the 


"  ENOCH  AKDEJVy  2 63 

average  inflationists.  It  may  be  objected  that  the  dogs 
would  legislate  in  their  own  interests,  but  it  must  be  remem- 
bered that  any  legislation  aiming  at  rendering  bones  abun- 
dant and  cheap  would  necessarily  benefit  mankind,  by 
reducing  the  price  of  butchers'  meat.  As  to  oppressive 
game  laws  in  relation  to  rats,  they  could  be  passed  only  by 
a  Congress  with  a  large  terrier  majority,  and  it  is  extremely 
improbable  that,  in  a  countr}^  where  teniers  are  in  an  un- 
questioned minorit}',  they  would  ever  be  able  to  gain  control 
of  either  branch  of  Congress. 

When  we  think  of  the  dignified  appearance  which 
would  be  presented  by  a  Senate  of  Newfoundland  and 
mastiff  dogs  sitting  gravely  on  their  tails,  and  listening  to  a 
profound  argument  from  a  Pennsylvania  dog  in  favor  of 
protection  to  American  bones,  we  can  hardly  deny  that  the 
average  Senate  quarrelling  over  a  ^question  of  pig-iron 
would  suffer  by  comparison.  Of  course,  in  so  large  a  body 
as  the  House  of  Representative  Dogs,  a  number  of  curs 
and  Spitz  dogs  would  doubtless  be  found,  but  the  good 
sense  and  patriotism  of  t4ie  setters,  pointers,  and  terriers 
would  keep  the  disorderly  element  in  subjection  ;  and  we 
may  be  veiy  certain  that  in  no  event  would  such  a  House 
be  capable  of  an  attempt  to  throw  the  country  into  anarchy 
in  order  to  make  a  wild,  hopeless  scramble  for  the  public 
bones.  Worse  things  may  happen  to  us  than  a  national  going 
to  the  dogs,  and  such  a  canine  catastrophe  would  be  far  bet- 
ter than  our  deliverance  into  the  hands  of  unscrupulous 
and  reckless  demagogues. 


"ENOCH  ARDEN." 

When  Mr.  Tennyson  wrote  that  popular  poem  "  Enoch 
Arden,"  he  probably  meant  well  enough,  but  he  ought  to 
have  foreseen  the  inevitable  consequences  of  his  act. 
From  that  day  to  this  no  husband  has.ever  returned  home 
from  a  temporary  absence  and  found  his  wife  in  the 
possession  of  a  substitute  without  having  his  domestic 
diiffculties  paraded  in  the  local  newspapers,  and  himself 


264  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

described  as  "  another  Enoch  Arden."  In  this  country, 
especially,  the  annual  crop  of  Enoch  Ardens  has  been  enor- 
mous. 

"  Out  of  the  golden,  remote,  wild  west, 
Where  the  sea  without  shore  is  " — 

a  vast  procession  of  wandering  husbands  is  continually 
winding  its  way  homeward  to  Eastern  hearth-stones,  where 
other  and  superfluous  husbands  are  comfortably  trespassing 
One  would  naturally  think  that  no  really  chivalric  husband, 
after  going  alone  to  California  and  residing  for  a  dozen 
years  in  a  land  flowing  with  bowie-knives  and  revolvers, 
without  once  writing  to  his  deserted  wife,  would  dream  of 
returning  home  to  earn  the  title  of  "  another  Enoch  Arden." 
Yet  tJie  wandering  American  husband  always  comes  back 
at  last.  He  may  be  cast  upon  the  waters  in  a  Pacific  Mail 
steamship,  but  instead  of  being  drowned  or  burned  he  is 
sure  to  return  ,  after  many  years.  And  when  he  does 
return,  so  potent  is  the  influence  of  Mr.  Tennyson's  pre- 
posterous teachings  upon  him  that  he'  always  tries  to 
surpass  the  original  Enoch  x\rden  in  unprofitable  idiocy. 

It  will  be  remembered  that  Mr.  Tennyson's  hero,  after 
spending  several  years  on  a  lonely  island,  in  the  unworthy 
occupation  of  reciting  doleful  blank  verse  to  the  grieved 
but  patient  monkeys,  finally  took  passage  for  England,  and 
returned  to  the  cottage  where  he  had  left  his  wife.  Most 
men  in  his  circumstances  would  have  gone  boldly  to  the 
front  door,  and,  after  tenderly  embracing  their  wives,  would 
have  asked  where  on  earih  their  slippers  had  been  hidden, 
and  whether  they  were  ever  to  have  any  supper.  Arden, 
however,  preferred  to  look  through  the  dining-room  win- 
dows ;  to  gaze  upon  the  apparent  felicity  of  his  wife's  new 
husband,  and  to  make  a  rough  estimate  of  the  number  of 
new  children  who  infested  the  house.  After  this  disreput- 
able proceeding  he  withdrew  from  the  window,  rolled  on 
the  vegetables  in  the  back  garden,  and  finally  went  away 
to  a  cheap  boarding-house,  where  he  died  on  a  suspicious- 
looking  cot-bedstead,  after  having  told  his  landlady  his 
true  name,  and  thus  made  it  certain  that  his  wife's  matri- 
monial mistake  would  become  the  theme  of  universal  gossip. 


"  ENOCH  ARDENT 


265 


Absurd  as  this  poor  creature's  conduct  was,  Mr.  Tenny- 
son and  the  dramatists  who  have  fitted  the  story  for  the 
stage  have  convinced  nearly  all  wandering  husbands  that 
they  ought  to  do  likewise.  When  the  American  Enoch 
Arden  returns  from  California  to  Oshkosh,  he  does  not, 
indeed,  descend  to  the  meanness  of  surreptitiously  gazing 
through  the  back  window,  but  he  enters  his  house  steathily 
and  under  cover  of  night,  and  creates  a  wanton  and  useless 
degree  of  embarrassment  in  the  family.  The  wife  hurried- 
ly sends  both  kinds  of  children  to  bed  lest  they  should  ask 
troublesome  questions,  and  then  bursts  into  tears  to  avoid 
taking  an  active  part  in  the  ensuing  conversation  between 
the  two  husbands.  Then  the  personator  of  Enoch  Arden 
nobly  says  that,  heart-broken  as  he  is,  he  will  not  make  his 
wife  unhappy,  but  will  go  forth  and  wander,  leaving  her  to 
reflect  that  she  is  living  with  a  man  who  is  not  lawfully 
married  to  her,  and  that  her  conduct  has  made  her  real 
husband  an  outcast  and  a  homeless  vagabond.  The  next 
day,  after  having  mentioned  the  matter  to  the  editor  of  the 
Oshkosh  Ccmimenial  Eagle,  he  hastens  to  his  California 
wife,  feeling  that  he  has,  on  the  whole,  proved  himself  as 
intelligent  and  noble  as  any  Enoch  Arden  on  record. 

Had  Mr.  Tennyson  never  written  that  unfortunate 
poem,  the  wandering  husband,  on  learning  that  his  original 
wife  had  promoted  another  man  to  his  place,  would  stay 
av.'ay  altogether,  or  else  would  return  with  the  intention  of 
either  promptly  insisting  upon  his  rights  or  of  effecting  a 
compromise.  Perhaps  the  latter  course  would  be  more  in 
keeping  with  the  spirit  of  our  institutions,  provided  the 
second  husband  is  possessed  of  money  and  a  desire  to 
avoid  scandal.  If  not,  he  should  be  immediately  evicted 
by  the  strong  arm  of  the  law,  and  whatever  improvements 
in  the  shape  of  bonnets  and  furs  he  may  have  put  upon  the 
disputed  property  during  his  term  of  occupancy  should  be 
confiscated  by  the  real  owner.  It  is  safe  to  say  that  in  the 
absence  of  the  Tennysonian  precedent,  disputes  between 
lawful  and  trespassing  husbands  would  inrariably  be  settled 
in  some  such  manly  and  intelligible  way,  and  the  so-called 
Enoch  Arden  who  returns  home  merely  to  make  everybody 
uncomfortable,  and  goes  away  again  without  having  reaped 


266  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

the   slightest  benefit  from  his   visjt,   would  be   absolutely 
unknown. 

The  dawn  of  a  better  day  is  at  last  heralded  by  the 
able  conduct  of  a  wandering  husband  who  returned  to 
Boston  last  week,  and  is  now  mentioned  by  the  provincial 
press  as  anew  and  startling  species  of  Enoch  Arden.  This 
man  walked  boldh^  into  his  house,  and,  finding  an  unneces- 
sary husband  upon  the  premises,  quietly  sent  for  a  police- 
man, had  the  intruder  removed  to  the  sidewalk,  and  then, 
putting  on  the  abandoned  slippers  of  his  rival,  calmly  sat 
down  to  enjoy  his  cigar  and  the  evening  paper.  Pie  shed 
no  tears,  and  he  upbraided  no  one  ;  he  merely  took  pos- 
session of  his  own  wife  and  furniture,  and  rid  himself  of 
the  superfluous  husband  in  the  simplest  possible  way. 
The  contrast  between  this  man's  prompt  and  efficient 
course  and  the  preposterous  conduct  of  the  usual  Enoch 
Arden  is  so  manifestly  creditable  to  the  former,  that  it  is 
to  be  hoped  that  hereafter  the  influence  of  Mr.  Tennyson 
and  the  number  of  Enoch  Arden's  imitators  will  steadily 
decrease. 


RIFLEWOMEN. 

One  bright  spring  morning  the  members  of  a  California 
rifle  association  were  engaged  in  the  great  moral  Juty  of 
shooting  at  a  mark  when  a  lady,  carrying  a  lon.g-range 
rifle,  decorated  with  the  usual  quantity  of  surveying  instru- 
ments and  meteorological  machines,  made  her  appearance, 
and  announced  that  she  intended  to  shoot.  The  astonish- 
ed riflemen  did  not  dare  to  interpose  any  objection,  but 
flew  madly  towards  the  target  in  order  to  obtain  a  safe  posi- 
tion. The  unruffled  lady — though,  on  second  thought,  she 
may  have  had  more  or  less  ruffles  concealed  about  her  per- 
son— stretched  herself  upon  the  ground,  tied  herself  into 
the  intricate  knot  usually  called  "  the  Creedmoor  position," 
shut  her  eyes  firmly,  and  fired.  To  the  dismay  of  the  rifle- 
men, she  actually  hit  the  target  at  the  distance  of  a  thou- 
sand yards,  thereby  seriously  imperiling  the  lives  of  those 


RIFLE  WOMEN.  267 

who  had  sought  safety  in  its  vicinity.  It  was  evident  that 
something  must  be  promptly  done  to  check  the  threatened 
effusion  of  blood,  and  the  lady  was  therefore  hurriedly  pre- 
sented with  a  gold  medal,  and  lured  from  the  ground  before 
she  had  time  to  fire  a  second  shot. 

Californians  have  been  so  long  in  the  habit  of  having 
themselves  shot  in  the  course  of  social  "  difficulties  "  that 
they  ought  not  to  be  seriously  alarmed  because  they  are 
now  threatened  with  the  devastating  rifles  of  ambitious 
riflewomen.  It  is,  however,  a  matter  of  very  great  impor- 
tance to  riflemen  of  other  States  that  a  woman  has  set  her 
sex  the  example  of  shooting  at  a  mark  other  than  an  ob- 
jectionable husband  or  an  unsatisfactory  lover.  Women 
have  already  invaded  the  domains  of  physicians,  lawyers, 
and  clergymen,  but  if  they  are  bitten  by  a  desire  to  become 
expert  riflewomen,  the  insecurity  of  life  and  limb  which 
will  ensue  will  be  a  serious,  if  not  fatal,  check  to  the  pros- 
perity of  the  country. 

It  is  quite  possible  that  by  careful  study  women  may 
learn  to  distinguish  between  the  muzzle  and  the  breech  of 
a  rifle,  although  they  are  undoubtedly  born  with  the  idea 
that  the  breech,  being  much  larger  than  the  muzzle,  is  the 
active  and  efficient  end  of  a  gun.  It  is  when  they  have 
learned  the  truth  as  to  this  matter,  and  rashly  fancy  them- 
selves able  to  load  and  fire,  that  the  real  danger  to  the 
community  will  become  imminent.  Unfortunately,  the 
cartridge  of  a  breech-loading  rifle  is  so  constructed  that  it 
cannot  be  inserted  wrong  end  first ;  and  hence  women  can 
hardly  make  any  useful  mistake  in  loading  their  weapons. 
If  we  had  a  rifle  which,  when  carelessly  loaded,  would  dis- 
charge itself  backward,  the  slaughter  resulting  from  female 
rifle-practice  would  be  greatly  curtailed,  and  would,  more- 
over, be  of  a  kind  which  would  tend  to  discourage  the  sex 
from  meddling  with  fire-arms.  Such  a  rifle  will,  of  course, 
be  invented  as  soon  as  the  number  of  riflewomen  demon- 
strates its  necessity,  but  before  that  time  our  fair  land  may 
be  covered  with  the  corpses  of  unhappy  men  who  chance 
to  be  within  range  of  a  rifle  wielded  by  feminine  hands. 

The  riflewoman  will  have  no  insuperable  difficulty  in 
assuming  the  "  Creedmoor  position,"  though  she  will  nat- 


2  68  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

urally  kill  a  few  persons  by  accidentally  twisting  the  hammer 
of  her  rifle  in  her  back  hair  while  tying  herself  into  the 
requisite  quantity  of  knots.  It  is  when  she  shuts  her  eyes 
and  aims  at  the  vague  target  which,  to  her  imagination,  ex- 
tend along  the  horizon  through  an  arc  of  i8o°  that  the 
chief  slaughter  will  begin.  That  she  cannot  fire  without 
previously  shutting  her  eyes  will  be  universally  conceded 
by  every  one  who  has  the  slightest  knowledge  of  her  sex, 
and  hence  the  direction  which  may  be  taken  by  her  ball 
will  be  wholly  a  matter  of  chance.  The  innocent  boy  who 
may  be  blithely  stealing  apples  in  a  tree  a  hundred  yards 
to  the  right  of  the  target  will  be  as  liable  to  be  hit  as  is  the 
man  who  is  standing  by  the  riflewoman's  side,  and  the 
yells  of  those  who  are  unexpectedly- hit  in  painful  places 
will  be  the  only  means  of  ascertaining  whither  the  wander- 
ing bullets  have  sp^d.  Of  course,  most  persons  will  re- 
gard the  space  immediately  in  front  of  the  target  as  the 
safest  position,  but  even  here  they  cannot  be  sure  of  im- 
munity. The  rifle wom-an  may  suddenly  take  it  into  her 
head  to  aim  at  the  north  star,  and  thus  hit  the  very  centre 
of  the  bull's-eye.  The  simple  truth  is  that  there  will  be  no 
such  thing  as  safety  within  a  radius  of  at  least  fifteen  hun- 
dred 3'ards  of  a  woman  with  a  rifle,  and  her  path  to  and 
from  the  rifle  ground  will  be  strewn  with  the  victims  of  ac- 
cidental discharges. 

This  is  a  picture  which  may  fill  us  with  alarm.  The 
poet  has  forcibly,  and  apparently  prophetically,  said,  "  that 
angels  rush  in  where  riflemen  fear  to  tread,"  and  there  is 
every  reason  to  fear  that  the  example  of  the  California 
riflewoman  will  inspire  her  contemporary  angels  with  a 
thirst  for  target-shooting.  Fortunately,  however,  we  do 
not  grieve  as  those  who  have  no  hope.  We  cannot  expect 
to  keep  women  out  of  Creedmoor  and  other  rifle-grounds 
by  force,  but  we  can  call  to  our  aid  the  fierce  and  terrible 
field-mouse.  With  a  little  encouragement  in  the  nature  of 
crumbs,  Creedmoor  can  be  made,  in  the  course  of  another 
season,  to  swarm  with  mice.  Let  it  be  once  thoroughly 
understood  that  to  assume  the  "  Creedmoor  position  "  on 
any  rifle-ground  is  to  deliver  one's  self  to  the  careful  and 
conscientious  scrutiny  of  hungry  and  curious  mice,  and  no 


BUTTE K-  CUL  TUKE. 


269 


woman  will  venture  within  miles  of  the  place.  It  would 
not  be  necessary  to  go  to  the  extreme  length  of  rats,  or 
even  to  circulate  rumors  of  suppositious  snakes.  The  mice 
alone  would  insure  Creedmoor  from  female  invasion,  and 
if  husbands  and  brothers  would  aid  in  the  good  work  by 
stealthily  concealing  mice  in  the  cartridge-boxes  of  rifle- 
women,  it  is  morally  certain  that  feminine  zeal  for  rifle- 
shooting  would  suffer  a  sudden  and  complete  eclipse. 


BUTTER-CULTURE. 

Pisciculture  is  a  business  of  such  recent  origin  that  it 
is  still  regarded  by  the  public  as  an  interesting  novelty. 
More  novel,  more  curious,  and  far  more  interesting  is  the 
business  of  butter-culture,  which,  like  pisciculture,  is  an 
aquatic  industry.  Extensive  butter-beds  have  been  planted 
in  the  Thames,  at  London,  and  are  yielding  large  and 
profitable  harvests.  Within  a  few  years  we  may  expect 
to  see  the  slow  old-fashioned  methods  of  the  cow  and 
churn  wholly  superseded  by  the  more  rapid  results  achieved 
by  river  butter-culture.  Dairymen  will  retire  from  the  but- 
ter arena,  and,  under  the  supervision  of  able  and  intelli- 
gent Boards  of  Butter  Commissioners,  the  growth  of  butter 
will  be  brought  to  such  a  degree  of  perfection  as  to  place 
that  useful  compound  within  the  reach  of  the  poorest 
householder  in  the  country. 

The  London  Aledtcal  Examiner  of  a  late  date  contains 
an  interesting  description  of  the  process  of  planting  and 
growing  butter.  The  butter-culturist  selects  a  nice  muddy 
locality  in  the  bed  of  a  river  flowing  through  a  large  town, 
and  carefully  plants  his  butter-seeds.  The  bed  must  not 
be  more  than  a  foot  below  the  surface  of  the  water  at  low 
tide,  and  it  must  be  constantly  swept  by  a  strong  current. 
Butter  cannot  be  grown  in  a  pure  mountain  stream,  but 
only  in  a  river  which  receives  a  large  amount  of  sewage,  by 
which  the  butter-plants  are  nourished.  Having  selected 
an  eligible  bed,  the  butter-culturist  sets  out  a  number  of 


270 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


small  globes  of  the  size  of  a  filbert,  made  of  cork,  hair,  and 
woody  fibres.  As  is  well  known  to  analytical  chemists 
who  have  experimented  upon  the  common  butter  of  board- 
ing-house tables,  these  small  globes  contain  all  the  essen- 
tial ingredients  of  butter  except  its  oleaginous  parts.  Of 
course,  the  butter-culturist  is  not  strictly  confined  to  the 
use  of  cork,  hair,  and  woody  fibres,  but  may  also  add  hair- 
pins and  buttons  in  quantities  to  suit  his  own  taste.  Hav- 
ing, however,  decided  upon  the  first  ingredients  of  his 
butter,  he  plants  his  seed-globes  in  the  mud  of  his  butter- 
bed,  placing  them  upon  short  but  stout  stalks  either  of 
wire  or  wood.  The  seed  rapidly  germinates,  and,  under 
the  genial  influence  of  the  sewage,  the  plant  soon  reaches 
maturity.  When  fully  ripe,  it  is  gathered  by  boys  with  bare 
legs  and  carried  to  J;he  butter-press,  where  it  undergoes 
certain  refining  processes.  The  ripe  butter  plant  presents 
the  appearance  of  a  ball  of  dark-colored  wagon-grease, 
through  which  hair,  particles  of  corks,  and  bits  of  woody 
fibres  are  woven  by  the  action  of  the  tide.  Its  oleaginous 
particles  are,  of  course,  derived  from  the  refuse  grease 
which  finds  its  way  from  kitchens  and  manufactories  into 
the  sewers  :  and  though  the  ripe  butter-plant  is  neither 
palatable  nor  attractive  in  its  appearance,  it  is  readily  trans- 
formed, by  a  cheap  process  of  refining  and  flavoring,  into 
as  vigorous,  substantial  butter  as  the  most  exacting  board- 
ing-house keeper  could  desire. 

The  Medical  Exa7?iiner  remarks  that  "  the  process  by 
w^hich  the  questionable  fat  is  ultimately  manufactured  into 
an  article  of  food  unobjectionable  to  the  eye  and  palatable 
to  the  taste  is  necessarily  exciting  public  curiosity."  All 
judicious  people  will  agree  that  to  indulge  one's  curiosity 
concerning  the  manner  in  which  any  kind  of  butter  is  made, 
is  worse  than  idle.  The  wise  man  eats  his  butter  and 
drinks  his  beer  without  seeking  to  know  their  origin. 
Were  the  boldest  of  us  to  try  to  trace  the  pedigree  of  pure 
Orange  County  butter  back  to  the  cows  of  the  Brooklyn 
distilleries,  the  result  might  be  extremely  disastrous.  That 
way  madness  lies.  Between  butter  and  science  there  is  an 
irrepressible  conflict,  and  if  we  are  not  ready  to  abandon 
butter  altogether,  we  must  put  blind  faith  in  its  truth  and 


B  UTTER-  CUL  TURK.  2  7 1 

purity,  and  resolutely  decline  to  pry  into  its  origin.  There 
is  no  half  way  between  the  humble  acceptance  of  butter 
and  the  total  rejection  of  all  edible  grease,  and  those  per- 
sons who,  according  to  the  Medical  Examiner,  are  curious 
as  to  the  process  of  converting  the  fruit  of  the  butter-plant 
into  an  article  of  food,  are  entering  upon  a  path  which  will 
lead  them  to  reject  all  butter  and  to  deny  the  very  exist- 
ence of  lard. 

If,  under  the  fertilizing  influence  of  sewage,  a  little  hair 
and  a  trifle  of  woody  fibre  and  cork  can  be  made  to  develop 
into  butter  it  is  quite  possible  that  many  other  articles  of 
food  can  be  thus  artificially  propagated.  The  chemical 
basis  of  much  of  the  sugar  of  commerce  is  admitted  to  be 
sand  and  starch.  It  is  not  quite  possible  that,  if  small 
globes  of  sand  and  starch  were  to  be  planted  in  the  Thames, 
they  would  grow  and  blossom  into  brown  sugar  ?  Might 
not  pure  corn-fed  lard  be  grown  from  germs  of  bristles, 
dashed  with  brine  \  and  is  it  not  possible  to  sow  a  handful 
of  buttons  and  bits  of  dog-collars  with  the  well-founded 
hope  of  reaping  a  harvest  of  hash  1  The  ordinary  board- 
ing-house kitchen  gardener  will  doubtless  look  upon  these 
suggestions  as  wild  and  impracticable,  but  now  that  w^e 
know  that  the  Thames  sewage,  when  tickled  with  hair,  will 
laugh  into  butter,  it  would  be  rash  to  reject  as  impossible 
any  horticultural  scheme  w^iich  relies  for  its  success  upon 
the  marvellously  fertilizing  power  of  the  London  sewage. 

Of  course,  there  are  timid  people  who,  after  learning  that 
butter-culture  is  an  established  industry,  will  decline  to  use 
any  butter  unless  they  are  personally  cognizant  of  its  close 
connection  with  some  reputable  cow.  Is,  then,  the  cow 
cleaner  than  the  river  in  which  she  wades,  and  is  the  stable 
more  savory  than  the  sewer  ?  These  are  questions  which 
each  one  must  settle  for  himself  ;  but  except  in  those  cases 
where  one's  butter  is  obviously  stronger  than  one's  faith,  it 
is  probably  best  to  eat  it  boldly  and  to  waive  the  question 
of  its  origin  as  one  of  those  things  which  no  prudent  fellow 
should  try  to  find  out. 


272  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 


THE  MOSQUITO  HYPOTHESIS. 

Among  the  most  recent  discoveries  in  medical  science  is 
that  whicli  an  ingenious  scientific  person  claims  to  have 
made  in  regard  to  mosquitoes.  Hitherto,  the  opinion  has 
universally  prevailed  that  the  mosquito  is  a  small  but 
vicious  insect  which  displays  a  preternatural  skill  in  forc- 
ing its  way  through  the  most  elaborate  wire  and  lace  bar- 
riers, in  order  to  feast  on  the  blood  of  plethoric  humanity. 
A  theory  which  boldly  denies  the  existence  of  such  an 
insect,  and  which  interprets  all  the  alleged  facts  as  to  its 
appearance  and  habits  as  the  symptoms  of  a  malarial  dis- 
ease, certainly  merits  attention,  even  if  it  is  not  conclusively 
proved  to  be  true. 

It  has  long  been  noticed  that  the  so-called  mosquitoes 
are  sure  to  attack  persons  who  rent  or  purchase  cottages  in 
suburban  villages.  There  are  scores  of  towns  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  this  city,  the  inhabitants  of  which  will  solemn- 
ly assure  any  one  who  proposes  to  take  up  his  residence 
among  them,  that  they  have  never  seen  or  heard  a  mos- 
quito. Nevertheless,  the  new-comer  and  his  entire  family 
will  be  attacked  by  mosquitoes  within  a  very  few  days  after 
they  have  occupied  their  suburban  cottage.  This  fact  can 
hardly  be  misinterpreted.  It  means  that  the  mosquitoes 
only  attack  unacclimated  persons.  In  this  respect  they 
differ  from  all  other  representatives  of  the  animal  creation, 
and  bear  a  striking  resemblance  to  malarial  fevers.  It  was 
this  peculiar  characteristic  of  the  mosquito  scourge  which 
first  suggested  the  hypothesis  that  it  is  really  a  disease,  and 
it  is  certainly  remarkable  how  closely  facts  fit  themselves 
to  this  hypothesis. 

An  attack  of  the  mosquito  malady — if  we  assume  that 
it  is  a  disease — begins  with  a  feverish  state  of  the  system, 
accompanied  by  more  or  less  cerebral  congestion.  The 
patient  hears  a  peculiar  buzzing  sound,  due  to  the  rushing 
of  the  blood  through  the  arteries  lying  behind  the  ears. 


THE  MOSQUITO  HYPOTHESIS.  273 

He  becomes  extremely  irritable,  and  in  many  cases  this 
irritability  verges  closely  upon  insanity.  In  severe  attacks 
patients  have  frequently  been  known  to  seize  pillows  or 
other  available  weapons,  and  pursue  imaginary  foes  about 
the  room,  breaking  crockery  and  fragile  furniture,  and  using 
language  of  a  violent  and  pain-fully  profane  character.  The 
buzzmg  in  the  ears  is  either  accompanied  or  almost  imme- 
diately followed  by  a  fulness  of  the  blood-vessels  of  the 
eyes,  which  causes  the  patient  to  perceive  spots  or  motes 
apparently  floating  in  the  air.  It  is  these  spots  which  have 
hitherto  been  mistaken  for  living  insects,  and  dignified  with 
the  name  of  "mosquitoes."  Their  non-existence  ought  to 
have  been  long  ago  suggested  by  the  uniform  failure  of  all 
the  patient's  efforts  to  capture  them.  Fully  believing  that 
the  floating  spots  which  obscure  his  vision  are  actual  and 
malignant  insects,  he  strikes  wild  and  terrible  blows  at 
them,  and  although  he  is  maddened  by  the  supposed  celeri- 
ty with  which  they  evade  his  blows,  he  is  never  discouraged 
by  his  repeated  failures.  Occasionally  he  captures  a  harm- 
less gnat,  which  he  fancies  is  one  of  his  imaginary  torment- 
ors, but  it  maybe  safely  asserted  that  there  is  not  a  case  on 
record  in  which  the  capture  of  one  or  more  gnats  has  had 
the  slightest  effect  in  diminishing  the  number  of  the  sup- 
posed mosquitoes. 

The  identity  between  the  alleged  insects  supposed  to 
be  seen  by  the  sufferer  from  the  mosquito  malady  and  the 
floating  spots  resulting  from  a  congested  state  of  the  ves- 
sels of  the  eye,  satisfactorily  explains  the  unvarying  failure 
of  mosquito  nets  to  prevent  the  ingress  of  mosquitoes. 
Every  crevice  by  which  mosquitoes  might  be  supposed  to 
enter  the  patient's  room  may  be  carefully  closed  with  strong 
iron  net-work,  but  nevertheless  the  alleged  mosquitoes  will 
be  seen  and  heard.  This  is  obviously  inconsistent  with  the 
theory  that  the  mosquito  is  an  insect.  If  such  were  the 
case,  the  barriers  that  keep  out  flies  and  wasps  would  keep 
out  other  insects,  instead  of  proving  hollow^,  or,  more  strict- 
ly speaking,  reticulated  mockeries,  in  the  case  of  the  most 
exasperating  insect  of  all.  And  yet  thousands  of  people 
annually  fence  themselves  in  with  mosquito  nets  and  never 
once  ask  themcelves  why  these  precautions  are  uniformly 
worthless. 


274 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


The  congestive  symptoms  are  rarely  of  long  duration. 
After  two  or  three  hours  they  pass  away  and  the  patient 
reaches  the  third  stage  of  the  disease.  This  is  ushered  in 
by  an  itching  sensation  which  usually  affects  the  face,  neck, 
and  extremities,  but  which  in  many  instances  extends  over 
the  entire  surface  of  the  skin.  This  itching  is  followed  by 
an  eruption  of  red  pustules,  having  a  small  white  centre 
and  surrounded  by  local  inflammation  and  swelling.  If 
these  pustules  are  not  disturbed,  they  will  vanish  in  the 
course  of  twenty-four  hours,  and  the  patient  will  recover. 
In  most  instances,  however,  they  are  violently  rubbed  by 
the  patient,  in  a  vain  attempt  to  allay  the  irritation  of  the 
skin  which  accompanies  them,  and  the  result  is  to  bring 
about  a  relapse  into  the  feverish  condition  with  which  the 
attack  commerced. 

It  will  thus  be  seen  that  the  disease  is  as  brief  as  it  is  vio- 
lent. It  rarely  lasts  over  twelve  hours,  and  in  many  cases 
runs  its  course  in  a  still  briefer  period.  Fresh  attacks  may 
occur  day  after  day,  and  there  is  no  evidence  that  the  suscep- 
tibility of  the  system  to  the  disease  is  ever  eradicated  until 
the  patient  has  undergone  at  least  a  year  of  acclimatization, 
and  has  bought  a  house.  Children  and  women  are  more 
liable  to  the  disease  than  men,  and  among  the  former  class 
of  patients  the  characteristic  eruption  is  usually  much  more 
extensive  than  it  is  among  the  latter.  So  far  as  is  known, 
the  disease  is  never  fatal,  but  that  it  is  extremely  painful 
there  is  no  room  for  question. 

The  fact  that  it  is  common  in  damp  and  swampy  regions, 
and  that  fever  and  cerebral  congestion  are  among  its  symp- 
toms, indicate  its  malarial  origin.  It  is  also  noticeable  that 
it  prevails  only  during  warm  weather,  and  that  its  germs, 
like  those  of  yellow  fever,  are  rendered  inert  by  frost. 
Quinine,  aconite,  and  belladonna  are  among  the  remedies 
which  seem  to  be  indicated  by  its  symptoms,  but  what  is 
especially  needed  is  some  prophylactic  which  will  render 
the  system  proof  against  it. 

Such  is  briefly  the  new  theory.  It  is  certainly  plausible, 
but  it  remains  to  be  seen  whether  it  can  make  any  headway 
against  the  prejudices  of  those  who  prefer  the  testimony 
of  their  own  senses  to  the  fine-spun  theories  of  scientific 
men. 


7USTICE  10  STOVES.    •  27: 


JUSTICE  TO  STOVES. 

In  the  Fall  the  rural  house-holder  brings  forth  the 
stove  from  its  six  months'  imprisonment,  and  with  fear  and 
trembling  undertakes  the  dangerous  task  of  putting  it  up. 
Few  fatal  stove  casualties  are  reported  by  the  press,  but 
the  sudden  and  enormous  increase  in  the  demand  for  arnica 
and  divorces  which  is  shown  by  the  records  of  rural  drug- 
gists and  rural  courts,  and  which  occurs  every  Fall,  is  a  sad 
proof  of  the  danger  which  menaces  the  man  who  grapples 
with  a  large  and  violent  stove. 

There  is  a  melancholy  sameness  in  the  manner  in  which 
the  stove  displays  its  unwillingness  to  be  handled  by  man. 
Like  the  scorpion,  which  argues  with  its  tail,  the  stove  uses 
its  articulated  pipe  as  its  instrument  of  attack  and  defense. 
So  long  as  the  house-holder  confines  himself  to  carrying 
the  stove  from  place  to  place,  it  rarely  attacks  him  ;  but 
no  sooner  does  he  meddle  with  its  pipe  than  its  fury  is 
aroused.  His  first  effort  is  to  connect  the  lower  joints  of 
the  pipe  with  one  another,  and  here  is  he  met  by  a  deter- 
mined obstinacy  which  is  worthy  of  an  independent  and 
self-poised  pig,  or  even  of  an  experienced  army  mule. 
The  joints  refuse  to  come  together,  and  bend  all  their 
energy  towards  gratifying  a  fiendish  thirst  for  human  fingers. 
Sometimes,  after  a  long  struggle,  the  wrong  joints  are 
forced  together,  and  when  the  house-holder  discovers  his 
mistake,  they  refuse  to  be  separated  except  at  the  price  of 
m.ore  blood  and  additional  scraps  of  cuticle.  Nothing  but 
cool  bravery  and  determined  perseverance  will  succeed  in 
properly  joining  the  three  lower  joints  of  a  stove-pipe,  and 
when  this  victory  has  been  won,  the  worst  of  the  battle  is 
yet  to  come.  It  is  not  until  the  householder  has  mounted 
on  a  step-ladder  and  undertakes  to  place  the  upper  "  elbow  " 
on  the  pipe  and  to  insert  it  in  the  chimney  that  the 
strength,  activity,  and  malignity  of  the  stove-pipe   is  fully 


2  ;  6  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

displayed.  Its  favorite  feat  is  to  release  itself  suddenly 
from  the  hands  of  its  antagonist,  strike  his  foot  with  its 
whole  weight  and  its  sharpest  edge,  and  then  to  roll  on  the 
floor  in  evident  convulsions  of  joy.  Occasionally  the  upper 
"  elbow  "  makes  a  vicious  plunge  for  the  house-holder's 
head,  and  instances  are  on  record  in  which  it  has  violently 
torn  his  nose  from  its  foundations,  or  driven  its  fangs  deep 
into  his  skull.  Efforts  to  subdue  it  with  clubs  or  hammers 
are  seldom  effective.  Usually,  the  more  the  pipe  is  pound- 
ed the  more  unruly  it  becomes,  and  the  more  resolutely  it 
refuses  to  enter  the  chimney-hole  or  to  adhere  to  the  stove. 

Startling  as  the  assertion  may  seem,  it  is  by  no  means 
certain  that  these  terrible  conflicts  are  necessary,  or  that 
mankind  cannot  live  on  peaceable  terms  with  stoves  and 
stove-pipes.  It  is  an  assumption,  which  is  unsustained  by 
satisfactory  evidence,  that  the  stove  is  necessarily  untama- 
ble. Buffon,  it  is  true,  asserted  that  "  the  stove  possesses 
a  fierce  and  indomitable  nature,  which  cannot  be  tamed," 
and  most  subsequent  naturalists  have  been  content  to  adopt 
his  opinion.  Mr.  Huxley,  however,  who,  as  an  animal 
expert,  is  certainly  at  the  head  of  his  profession,  disputes 
Buffon's  assertion,  and  argues  that  inasmuch  as  the  law 
recognizes  the  right  of  property  in  stoves,  it  implies  that 
they  are  Yiotferce  naturcE.  and  can  therefore  be  tamed.  He 
has  never  actually  tamed  a  stove  himself,  for  theory  and 
not  practice  is  his  specialty,  but  his  opmion  is  certainly 
entitled  to  respect,  and  is  sufficient  to  show  that  the  scien- 
tific world  is  not  unanimous  as  to  the  alleged  untamable 
nature  of  the  stove. 

There  is  good  reason  tO  believe  that,  were  the  stove 
treated  kindly  and  intelligently,  it  would  become  as  harm- 
less as  the  grate  or  the  furnace.  Professional  stove  fanciers 
who  deal  in  stoves  never  have  any  difficulty  with  them,  and 
can  always  put  up  a  stove  without  exciting  it  to  the  slight- 
est demonstration  of  hostility.  The  average  house-hofder 
is  probably  to  a  very  great  extent  responsible  for  the 
violence  and  bad  temper  of  which  he  accuses  his  stove. 
He  keeps  it  during  the  summer  in  close  confinement, 
where  it  mentally  rusts  and  naturally  grows  morose.  He 
does  not  make  himself  familiar  with  it  and  accustom  it  to 


JUSTICE  TO  STOVES.  277 

be  handled,  but  relies  wholly  upon  his  brute  strength  to 
keep  it  in  subjection.  Moreover,  it  must  not  be  forgotten 
that  when  he  mounts  the  step-ladder  for  the  decisive 
struggle,  he  is  almost  invariably  hot  and  excited.  The 
presence  of  his  wife,  who  stands  near  the  foot  of  the  ladder, 
expressing  those  wild  and  impracticable  views  as  to  the  uses 
of  the  hammer,  which  are  so  characteristic  of  her  sex  and 
so  well  adapted  to  madden  the  other,  has  also*  its  share  in 
increasing  his  nervousness  and  in  rendering  him  unfit  to 
deal  with  his  difficult  task.  In  these  circumstances  he  is 
apt  to  resort  to  harsh  and  violent  treatment  when  it  is  not 
needed,  and  he  ought  not  to  wonder  if  he  thereby  excites 
the  fear  and  resentment  of  which  he  subsequently  complains. 
The  mere  fact  that  when  a  man  is  standing  on  a  step- 
ladder  with  a  stove-pipe  in  his  arms  he  betrays  a  readiness 
to  undervalue  his  wife's  intellect,  and  to  accuse  her  of 
"everlastingly  chattering,"  speaks  volumes  as  to  his  state 
of  mind.  The  disasters  incident  to  the  season  of  putting 
up  stoves  are  proofs,  not  of  the  wildness  of  the  stoves,  but 
of  the  irritability  of  husbands,  and  it  may  be  safely  assert- 
ed that  an  irritable  man  is  unfit  to  deal  with  stoves  or  with 
any  domestic  animals. 

Let  us,  then,  instead  of  persistently  treating  the  stove 
as  though  it  were  the  inveterate  enemy  of  the  race,  try  the 
effect  of  kindness  and  gentleness.  Weeks  before  the  stove 
is  to  be  put  up,  the  pipe  should  be  brought  out  and  accus 
tomed  to  the  presence  of  the  family.  Its  joints  should  be 
allowed  to  lie  on  the  rug,  or  under  the  table,  and  from  time 
to  time  they  should  be  gently  brought  in  contact,  so  as  to 
accustom  them  to  their  approaching  duty.  When  the  hour 
for  putting  up  the  stove  arrives,  the  house-holder  should 
send  his  wife  out  of  town,  and  after  engaging  a  large  Irish- 
man with  a  club  to  remain  within  call  in  case  of  any  extreme 
violence  on  the  part  of  the  stove,  he  should  proceed  to  put 
it  up  alone.  Possibly,  this  course  of  treatment  might  fail 
lof  securing  the  desired  end,  but  at  all  events  it  is  worth 
'trying.  The  assumption  that  intelligent  men  cannot  live  in 
peace  with  stoves  is  simply  disgraceful,  and  all  humane 
persons  should  be  anxious  to  prove  its  falsity  without 
delay. 


278 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


INEXPENSIVE  GIRLS. 

Every  intelligent  man  knows  that  what  is  popularly 
called  "  perpetual  motion  "  is  an  impossibility  ;  nevertheless 
the  constant  idiot  who  believes  that  he  can  make  an  engine 
which  will  furnish  its  own  motive  power  never  loses  faith 
in  perpetual  motion.  He  goes  on,  from  year  to  year, 
spending  his  money  in  cog-wheels  and  other  vain  machin- 
ery, and  dies  in  the  full  conviction  that  if  he  could  have 
lived  a  fortnight  longer  he  would  have  proved  the  practica- 
bility of  perpetual  motion. 

Closely  analogous  to  this  curious  delusion  is  the  theory 
that  it  is  possible  to  construct  a  girl  who  shall  live  without 
food.  As  science  has  conclusively  shown,  the  mysterious 
object  commonly'  known  as  the  human  girl  is  merely  an 
engine  which  consumes  caramels  and  other  miscellaneous 
fuel,  and  which  is  built  of  w^eak  materials,  which  cannot 
last  much  longer  than  seventy  years.  To  invent  a  girl  that 
will  furnish  her  own  motive  power  and  will  consume  no  fuel 
whatever  is  as  impossible  as  to  invent  any  other  variety  of 
perpetual-motion  machine.  And  yet  ignorant  persons  are 
constantly  engaged  in  this  hopeless  task,  and  about  once 
in  every  year  we  are  told  that  the  desired  girl  has  been 
successfully  constructed  and  is  in  full  operation.  The 
latest  announcement  of  the  kind  comes  from  the  town  of 
Sheboygan,  Wisconsin,  which  boasts  the  possession  of  a 
girl  who  has  eaten  nothing  for  six  consecutive  months,  but 
who  has  nevertheless  been  in  constant  motion  during  that 
entire  period. 

There  is  no  doubt  that,  were  it  possible  to  manufacture 
girls  who  could  live  without  food,  they  would  speedily 
supersede  the  kind  of  girl  now  in  use.  At  present  girls 
are  undeniably  dear.  The  first  cost  of  a  well-built  girl  is 
not  very  great,  but  the  necessity  of  supplying  her  with  food 
three    times    a  day  entails  a   constant   outlay  of   money. 


INEXPENSIVE  GIRLS.  279 

There  is  no  economy  in  feeding  her  with  an  inferior  quali- 
ty of  food,  or  in  diminishing  the  amount  which  she  is  cal- 
culated to  consume.  Scientific  persons  have  ascertained 
the  precise  number  of  "  units  of  work  "  that  are  contained 
in  a  single  pound  of  pure  caramels,  and  if  a  girl  is  con- 
structed so*  as  to  perform  a  certain  amount  of  flirtation, 
piano-playing,  and  novel-reading  upon  one  pound  of  cara- 
mels, she  can  do  oniy  half  as  much  work  upon  half  a  pound. 
The  worst  of  it  is,  the  girl  requires  to  be  regularly  supplied 
with  food  and  to  have  her  steam  constantly  kept  up,  so  to 
speak,  no  matter  whether  there  is  any  demand  for  her  ser- 
vices or  not.  In  this  respect  she  is  decidedly  inferior  to 
the  ordinary  steam-engine,  the  fires  of  which  may  be  bank- 
ed or  even  entirely  extinguished  when  tlie  engine  is  not  in 
use.  No  such  expedient  can  be  adopted  in  the  case  of  a 
girl,  for  as  soon  as  sne  is  deprived  of  food  her  machinery 
falls  to  pieces,  and  she  becomes  entirely  valueless.  It  is  true 
that  occasionally  she  may  be  sold  for  a  trifling  sum  to  the 
junk  department  of  some  medical  college,  but  the  demand 
for  scrap-girl  is  usually  very  limited. 

There  would  obviously  be  a  great  saving  effected  if  this 
daily  consumption  of  fuel  could  be  avoided.  If,  during 
Lent,  for  example,  girls  could  have  their  fires  banked,  and 
their  machinery  could  remain  inactive  until  they  should  be 
needed  to  set  society  once  more  in  motion,  the  saving 
thereby  effected  would  be  enormous.  Every  scientific  per- 
son, however,  knows  that  this  is  impossible  so  long  as  the  law 
of  nature,  which  strictly  prohibits  the  production  of  effects 
without  adequate  causes,  remains  in  force.  When,  there- 
fore, the  inventor  of  the  Sheboygan  girl  gravely  asserts 
she  has  used  no  food  for  six  months,  and  is,  nevertheless, 
in  good  running  order,  Ave  know  that  he  is  an  impostor.  It 
is  admitted  that  the  girl  does  not  develop  as  much  power 
as  an  ordinary  girl  of  the  same  dimensions  w^ould  develop- 
She  walks  slowly,  and  a  local  young  man  w^ho  has  experi. 
mented  with  her  asserts  that  she  swings  on  the  front  gate 
in  a  feeble  and  listless  manner,  and  that  her  stroke,  when 
engaged  in  croquet,  is  weaker  than  that  of  the  average 
theological  student.  Still,  the  fact  that  she  is  capable  of 
any  work  whatever  proves  that  she  consumes  food.     The 


2 So  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

quantity  may  be,  and  probably  is,  smaller  than  that  used 
by  other  girls,  but  that  she  is  regularly  supplied  with  food 
is  an  absolute  certainty. 

The  inventor  claims  that  the  girl  consumes  her  own 
adipose  tissue  by  some  mysterious  system  of  absorption, 
and  that  as  fast  as  it  is  consumed  it  reappears  in  its  origi- 
nal shape.  Were  any  one  t-o  assert  that  the  smoke  and 
gases  arising  from  the  coal  consumed  by  a  Cunarder  could 
be  collected  and  solidified  into  precisely  the  original  quan- 
tity of  coal,  and  that  this  could  be  again  used  as  fuel,  he 
would  be  instantly  advised  to  go  west  and  edit  a  Wiscon- 
sin paper.  Yet  there  are  persons  not  entirely  devoid  of 
intelligence  who  really  believe  that  the  Sheboygan  girl  con- 
stantly accomplishes  quite  as  impossible  a  feat.  When  it 
is  remembered  that  they  believe  this  solely  upon  the  bare 
word  of  her  inventor,  we  can  hardly  wonder  that  purchasers 
have  been  found  for  the  stock  of  the  Keely  Motor  Com- 
pany. 

There  is  a  very  simple  way  of  exposing  the  false  claims 
made  for  this  impossible  girl.  Let  her  inventor  allow  her 
to  be  thoroughly  searched  for  concealed  sausage  and  other 
condensed  food,  and  then  let  her  be  confined  for  a  week  in 
a  cell  where  no  food  can  be  secretly  brought  to  her.  Be- 
fore that  time  has  expired  the  girl  will  either  beg  for  food 
or  her  machinery  will  have  ceased  to  act.  Of  course,  the 
inventor  will  not  consent  to  do  this,  since  it  is  much  more 
profitable  for  him  to  exhibit  his  girl  at  popular  prices,  but 
his  unwillingness  to  allow  her  to  be  thoroughly  tested  will 
be  a  sufficient  proof  that  he  is  imposing  upon  the  Sheboy- 
gan public  and  raising  false  hopes  among  unscientific 
fathers  who  are  dissatisfied  with  the  annual  cost  of  operat- 
ing girls  of  the  usual  pattern. 


WOMEN  IN  THE  PULPIT. 

The  dismissal  of  Rev.  Miss  Phoebe  Hanaford  by  her 
congregation  is  a  matter  of  general  notoriety.  In  her  case 
the  experiment  of  a  female  Pastor  has  proved  a  failure.  So 
far  as  can  be  learned  the  only  charge  brought  against  Miss 


Jl'OME.V  m  THE  PULPIT.  281 

Hanaford  was  the  charge  that  she  was  not  a  man.  This 
she  attempted  neither  to  palliate  nor  deny,  and  she  was 
therefore  deprived  of  her  pastorate  in  order  that  her  place 
might  be  filled  by  a  man. 

Those  enthusiastic  reformers  who  advocate  the  admis- 
sion of  women  to  the  ministry  have  uniformly  looked  at 
only  one  side  of  the  matter.  They  insist  that  inasmuch 
as  a  woman  can  write  and  deliver  a  sermon  at  least  as  well 
as  a  majority  of  male  ministers,  there  can  be  no  valid  argu- 
ment against  a  female  ministry.  They  fail,  however,  to 
perceive  the  inevitable  effect  wdiich  female  pastors  must 
have  ujDon  their  congregations.  If  the  order  of  nature  is 
reversed  in  the  pulpit,  it  will  also  be  reversed  in  the  con- 
gregation. Nature  will  maintain  the  just  balance  of  the 
sexes  in  ecclesiastical  affairs,  and  she  will  not  permit  a 
pretty  woman  to  be  substituted  for  an  ascetic  clergyman 
without  striving  to  produce  corresponding  changes  among 
the  flock. 

When  the  experiment  was  first  tried  in  a  rural  New- 
England  town  some  twenty  years  ago,  it  was  clamorously 
asserted  that  it  had  brilliantly  succeeded.  In  a  short  time, 
however,  acute  observers  noticed  that  the  young  men  of  the 
congregation  were  undergoing  a  curious  change.  They 
became  abnormally  regular  in  their  attendance  at  meeting, 
and  although  they  showed  a  stern  determination  to  occupy 
the  front  seats,  they  also  manifested  a  winning  modesty  of 
manner  previously  unknown  in  the  history  of  their  sex. 
They  would  sit  with  upturned  eyes  gazing  at  their  pastor 
and  drinking  in  her  eloquence  with  every  token  of  earnest 
admiration.  Sometimes  they  would  be  affected  to  tears, 
and  would  hide  their  eyes  with  perfumed  handkerchiefs. 
'In  casual  conversation  they  always  mentioned  the  minister 
as  "  our  dear  pastor,"  and  constantly  quoted  her  as  author- 
ity upon  all  questions  of  morals  and  manners.  A  little  later 
and  the  price  of  worsted  began  to  rise.  The  cause  of  this 
was  soon  known.  Every  one  of  the  thirty-four  young  men 
was  engaged  in  working  slippers  for  his  pastor.  As  this 
was  a  duty  to  which  they  were  unaccustomed,  they  naturally 
spoiled  an  immense  quantity  of  worsted,  and  mislaid  or 
broke   innumerable   needles.     Before  the  pastor  had  been 


252 


SIXTH  COLUMN-  FANCIES. 


six  months  in  the  pulpit  she  had  received  thirty-four  pairs 
of  slippers,  nine-tenths  of  which  were  embroidered  with  a 
cross,  while  the  remainder  bore,  in  letters  of  white  floss- 
silk,  the  legend,  "  Bless  my  pastor." 

After  the  slijDpers  should  have  come,  in  regular  eccle- 
siastical order,  the  usual  smoking  caps,  but  it  was  obvious 
that  the  latter  would  have  been  grossly  inappropriate  gifts 
to  a  female  pastor.  Much  ingenuity  was  displayed  in  pro- 
viding substitutes.  One  young  man  knit  out  of  scarlet 
worsted  a  "  cloud  "  for  the  pastoral  head,  and  another 
braided  with  his  own  hands  a  magnificent  "  switch  "  of 
back  hair,  the  material  for  which  he  purchased  from  a  pro- 
fessional hair-dresser.  The  majority  of  the  young  men, 
however,  expressed  their  pious  devotion  in  embroidered 
handkerchiefs  and  lace  collars,  although  it  is  rumored  that 
an  ill-advised  widower,  who  was  perhaps  the  most  out- 
spoken of  the  pastor's  admirers,  sent  her  a — that  is  to  say, 
a  garment  made  by  his  own  hands  out  of  the  best  quality 
of  steel  and  modelled  upon  one  formerly  the  property  of 
his  deceased  wife,  it  is  further  asserted  that  his  present 
was  promptly  returned  to  him,  and  that  he  therefore  left 
town  in  a  depressed  state  of  mind,  carrying  his  blighted 
hoops  with  him. 

As  the  pastor  did  not  wear  a  gown  or  surplice,  the 
young  men,  after  they  had  overwhelmed  her  with  slippers 
and  handkerchiefs,  were  at  a  loss  what  to  do  next.  They 
finally  hit  upon  the  happy  thought  of  making  a  magnificent 
overskirt  of  red  cashmere,  embroidered  with  blue,  and 
ornamented  with  alternate  yellow  silk  dogs  and  green  silk 
horse-shoes  in  the  angle  of  each  scallop.  One  of  the 
young  men  surreptitiously  helped  himself  to  a  pattern  from 
his  sister's  wardrobe,  and  produced  it,  under  a  strict  vow 
of  secrecy,  to  his  admiring  associates  at  their  next  Dorcas 
tea-party.  Great  difficulty  was  experienced  in  cutting  out 
the  garment,  but  by  carefully  ripping  the  pattern  apart,  and 
making  ?ifac-s'unile  of  each  piece,  the  new  overskirt  was 
made  ready  for  sewing.  The  unconquerable  tendency  t)f 
some  of  the  younc:  men  to  sew  exclusively  with  white  cotton 
led  to  frequent  disputes  and  delays  ;  but  at  last  the  gar- 
ment was  accurately  sewed  together  with  black  silk.     De- 


WOMEN  IN  THE  PULPIT.  283 

termined  to  improve  upon  the  original  pattern,  they  put 
half  a  dozen  pockets  in  the  skirt,  and  attached  a  buckle 
and  strap  to  the  waistband,  together  with  six  metal  sus- 
pender-buttons. Then  the  garment,  nicely  perfumed  and 
neatly  folded,  was  sent  to  the  parsonage,  with  a  note  written 
in  a  fine  Italian  hand,  and  breathing  the  earnest  affection 
of  thirty-four  pious  and  innocent  hearts. 

What  was  the  surprise  of  those  young  men  to  learn  on 
the  following  Sunday  that  the  pastor  would  no  longer  con- 
duct the  Bible-class  of  which  they  were  the  sole  members. 
They  called  upon  her  to  beg  a  few  moments'  conversation 
upon  the  true  meaning  of  Ezekiel's  wheels,  but  were  told 
that  the  pastor  was  busy,  and  that  she  begged  to  refer 
them  to  Deacon  Smith.  They  felt  that  something  was 
wrong,  but  they  could  not  imagine  what  the  matter  really 
was.  In  the  course  of  the  next  fortnight,  however,  the 
pastor  suddenly  brought  home  a  husband  from  some  distant 
town,  who,  being  of  an  excitable  and  withal  worldly  nature, 
soon  allowed  it  to  become  known  that  he  felt  perfect  con- 
fidence in  his  ability  to  thrash  the  irreverent  rascals  who 
had  insulted  his  wife  by  sending  her  a  preposterous  red 
p— tt— t. 

After  that,  the  young  men  lost  all  interest  in  religious 
things,  and  returned  with  great  unanimity  to  their  wallow- 
ing at  the  billiard-table,  and  it  was  generally  felt  that  the 
experiment  of  a  female  pastor  had  not  succeeded.  But 
the  fault  was  not  in  the  pastor's  sermons,  nor  in  any  lack 
of  piety  or  discretion  on  her  part.  The  failure  of  the  ex- 
periment was  the  natural  result  of  the  attempt  to  reverse 
the  proper  sex  of  the  pulpit.  As  soon  as  the  female  min- 
ister usurped  manly  functions,  the  young  men  of  her  flock 
developed  feminine  tendencies.  Such  will,  doubtless,  be 
the  inevitable  consequence  of  the  presence  of  women  in 
the  pulpit,  and  it  is  surprising  that  no  reformer  can  perceive 
what  a  pow^erful  argument  against  a  female  ministry  this 
state  of  things  constitutes. 


284  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


JAMES  HENRY. 

The  power  to  bear  deserved  punishment  bravely,  and 
to  metaphorically  kiss  the  rod,  is  one  which  belongs  only 
to  mature  age.  The  small-boy  never  has  it.  When,  after 
the  commission  of  some  juvenile  crime,  he  is  summoned 
by  the  school  teacher  to  come  and  rest  his  weary  form 
upon  his  beloved  preceptor's  lap,  he  goes  to  meet  his  fate 
with  bitterness  of  heart ;  and  when  the  echoes  of  the  inter- 
view have  died  away  he  returns  sullenly  to  his  desk,  and, 
as  he  wearily  seats  himself  on  the  extreme  edge  of  his 
chair,  he  mentally  "gol-darns  "  the  teacher  and  determines 
to  lay  tile  crooked  pin  or  the  adhesive  shoemaker's  wax  at 
the  foundation  of  the  tyrant,  and  to  thus  make  him  feel  the 
misery  which  he  inflicts  on  others.  It  is  true  that  at  times 
the  spirit  of  the  very  small-boy  is  so  utterly  crushed  by 
punishment  that  he  is  temporarily  incapable  of  schemes  of 
vengeance  ;  but  sooner  or  later  his  anger  burns,  and  he 
breathes  out  caricatures  and  chewed  paper  balls  whenever 
the  teacher  is  looking  the  other  way.  For  the  small-boy 
of  whatever  age  to  forgive  and  love  the  teacher  who  faith- 
fully permeates  his  system  with  geography  or  arithmetic  by 
means  of  a  cane  is  an  unheard-of  phenomenon,  or  rather  was 
unheard  of  until  the  advent  of  a  recent  and  unique  small- 
boy  in  Indiana. 

In  one  of  the  small  villages  of  that  Western  Common- 
wealth there  is  a  flourishing  school  taught  by  a  pretty 
school-mistress,  who  is  nevertheless  a  stern  and  strict  dis- 
ciplinarian. Among  her  scholars  is — or,  at  all  events,  was 
— a  small-boy  of  the  age  of  fourteen.  Though  a  small-boy 
in  years  and  moral  character,  he  was  by  no  means  a  small- 
boy  in  point  of  size,  since  he  was  tall,  heavy,  and  muscular. 
There  had  been  what  rural  newspapers  would  have  called 
an  epidemic  of  joggling  in  that  school,  and  the  teacher 
determined  to  crush  out  the  loathsome  vice  with  the  utmost 
rigor.     She  therefore  announced,  one  morning,  that,  inas- 


JAMES  HENR  V.  285 

much  as  mild  measures  had  failed  to  suppress  the  evil,  she 
had  determined  to  whip  the  very  next  boy  who  should  be  de- 
tected in  joggling.  Fear  fell  upon  the  small-boys,  and  they 
sat  in  silence  for  fully  half  an  hour,  when  suddenly  a  small 
hand  was  raised,  and  the  teacher  was  informed  that, 
"  Please,  mum,  James  Henry  is  a-joggling  awful."  In  fact, 
the  teacher  had  herself  seen  the  culprit  in  the  very  act,  and 
she,  had  no  choice  except  to  summon  him  to  the  platform  for 
punishment. 

Now,  James'  Henry  was  the  preternaturally  large 
small-boy  who  has  just  been  mentioned,  and  the  school- 
mistress' heart  sank  within  her  probable  bosom  as  she 
realized  the  fact  that  he  was  taller  and  vastly  stronger 
than  herself.  On  reaching  the  platform  he  firmly  denied 
his  guilt,  and  when  he  was  severely  requested  not  to  lie 
about  it,  he  proposed  that  inasmuch  as  there  seemed  to  be 
a  difference  of  opinion  as  to  the  matter,  which  might  lead 
to  a  breach  of  the  peace,  he  would  be  entirely  satisfied  to 
"  leave  it  out  "  to  five  judges  of  the  Supreme  Court,  whose 
decision  should  be  final.  But  the  school-mistress  had  an- 
nounced her  policy  in  respect  of  joggling,  and  she  could 
not  now  depart  from  it.  So  James  Henry's  compromise 
plan  was  rejected,  and  the  teacher,  armed  with  a  heavy 
ruler,  rose  to  enforce  her  authority. 

It  was  so  clearly  impossible  for  her  to — in  fact,  it  was 
so  totally  out  of  the  question,  that  she  was  compelled  to 
commute  the  threatened  punishment  into  a  severe  "  ru- 
lering."  The  large  small-boy  was  therefore  directed  to 
hold  out  his  right  hand,  at  which  the  conscientious 
teacher  aimed  a  dozen  violent  blows,  most  of  which  hit  her 
own  skirts,  though  a  few  fell  on  good  ground,  where  there 
was  the  usual  juvenile  abundance  of  soil.  "  Now  the  oth- 
er hand,"  gasped  the  flurried  and  breathless  teacher  ;  but 
James  Henry,  w^ith  a  sweet,  sad  smile,  extended  both  arms, 
inclosed  his  instructress  in  a  respectful  though  tender  em- 
brace, and,  calmly  kissing  her,  remarked  that,  if  she  want- 
ed to  "lick"  him  any  more,  she  might  go  on  for  six  months 
at  the  same  price.  Then  the  good  and  forgiving  small-boy 
went  back  to  his  seat  and  plunged  into  the  multiplication 
table,  while  the  pretty  school-mistress  first  dropped  the 


286  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

tear  of  sensibility,  and  then,  defianth^  calling  up  the  first 
class  in  spelling,  allowed  them  to  spell  six-syllable  words 
by  the  light  of  nature,  without  once  intimating  that  she 
noticed  the  indecent  liberties  which  they  took  with  the 
orthography  of  the  English  tongue. 

What  a  lesson  of  practical  forgiveness  and  true  Chris- 
tian benevolence  is  taught  by  this  simple  story.  The  heart 
of  the  natural  small-boy,  had  he  been  in  James  Henry's 
place,  would  have  been  full  of  hatred  toward  the  school- 
mistress, and  he  would  have  openly  reviled  her,  after  school 
hours,  as  a  hateful  old  maid,  and  would  have  made  faces  at 
her  in  church  next  Sunday  behind  her  back.  The  heart  of 
the  good  James  Henry,  on  the  contrary,  harbored  nothing 
but  love  and  gratitude  towards  his  teacher,  and  so  far  from 
lighting  against  punishment,  he  was  willing  to  endure  the 
ruler  and  to  kiss  the  young  woman  Avho  smote  him.  Juve- 
nile literature  possesses  no  youthful  hero  whose  example 
is  niore  thoroughly  worthy  of  imitation,  and  were  it  imita- 
ted by  all  small -boys,  our  schools  would  become  so  many 
dove-cots  wherein  joggling  and  wickedness  of  every  kind 
would  be  unknown.  Of  course,  so  good  a  small-boy  as 
James  Henry  will  presently  die  of  slow  consumption,  as  all 
good  boys  do,  but  his  memory'will  be  a  precious  legacy 
and  his  example  may  turn  thousands  of  thoughtless  jogglers 
from  the  evil  of  their  ways  and  bring  kisses  to  scores  of 
hungry  and  hojDcless  school-m  'ams. 


MOUNTED  MISSIONARIES. 

The  Baptist  ministers  of  New  York  held  a  meeting 
not  long  since  to  discuss  the  propriety  of  buying  an  ele- 
phant. At  first  glance  it  does  not  seem  as  if  an  elephant 
could  give  any  real  comfort  to  an  association  of  Baptist 
ministers.  The  Methodists  or  the  Presbyterians  might, 
perhaps,  look  with  some  favor  upon  the  unwieldy  beast, 
because  of  his  skill  in  sprinkling  water  through  his  trunk, 
but  he  has  not  a  single  trait  that  fits  him  for  Baptist  pur- 
poses.    Of  course,  an   elephant  could  be  used  to  great  ad- 


MOUNTED  MISSIONARIES.  287 

vantage  as  an  attraction  in  Sunday-schools,  of  whatever 
denomination.  Where  the  stereopticon  is  scoffed  at  by 
the  b/ase  Sunday-school  scholar,  and  even  the  returned 
missionary  with  real  idols  has  lost  his  charm,  a  live  ele- 
phant might  do  a  vast  deal  of  good  in  building  up  a  pros- 
perous school.  If  a  Sunday-school  were  to  advertise  that 
its  scholars  should  enjoy  a  monthly  ride  on  a  real  Indian 
elephant,  rival  Sunday-schools  would  be  totally  deserted. 
Although  the  first  cost  of  an  elephant  would  be  heavy,  the 
animal  would  pay  for  itself  within  a  year  by  the  saving  in 
candy,  prize  books,  ice-cream,  strawberries,  distinguished 
lecturers,  and  magic-lanterns  which  its  use  would  permit ; 
and  as  the  elephant  is  a  Scriptural  animal,  while  magic- 
lanterns  and  candy  are  not  so  much  as  mentioned  in  the 
whole  extent  of  the  Bible,  the  elephant's  religious  influence 
would,  doubtless,  be  even  greater  than  that  of  any  other 
edible  or  optical  attraction.  Still,  there  is  nothing  about 
the  elephant  which  commends  it  to  a  Baptist  rather  than 
to  any  other  style  of  Sunday-school,  and  in  point  of  fact,  a 
nice  whale,  or  even  a  modest  aquarium  filled  with  inexpen- 
sive fishes,  might  naturally  be  expected  to  possess  stronger 
attractions  to  the  earnest  B:aptist  mind. 

The  Baptist  ministers  in  question,  however,  had  no  in- 
tention of  buying  an  elephant  for  home  use.  It  seems 
that  a  Baptist  missionary  residing  in  India  desired  to  have 
a  nice,  easy-riding  elephant,  with  which  to  lighten  the  labor 
of  making  parochial  visits,  as  well  as  to  pursue  the  outlying 
and  elusive  heathen  of  the  neighboring  provinces.  He  had 
heard  of  a  good  elephant  which  could  be  bought  for  five 
hundred  dollars,  and  he  therefore  asked  his  ministerial 
brethren  at  home  to  present  him  with  this  cheap  and  use- 
ful beast.  Whether  this  request  should  be  granted  was  a 
question  which  led  to  a  good  deal  of  debate.  One  of  the 
ministers  suggested  that  although  five  hundred  dollars  was 
not  a  high  price  for  an  elephant,  nevertheless  the  cost  of 
feeding  it  would  be  unpleasantly  heavy  ;  but  he  was  silenced 
by  an  astute  brother,  who  explained  that  if  the  missionary 
were  to  hire  a  coolie  at  $3.25  per  month,  the  latter  would 
manage  to  feed  the  beast  without  further  expense  to  the 
owner.     Very  probably  an  enterprising  coolie  could  collect 


288  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

enough  peanuts,  candy,  pop-corn,  marbles,  and  otlier  ar- 
ticles, such  as  constitute  the  food  of  the  average  circus 
elephant,  to  keep  his  reverend  master's  beast  from  actual 
starvation,  but  can  the  Baptist  ministers  coolly  ignore  that 
coolie's  soul,  and  wink  at  the  forced  collection  of  elephant 
fodder  from  the  young  and  helpless  heathen  ? 

The  purchase  of  this  elephant  would  be  a  matter  of 
unusual  importance,  since  it  would  be  the  adoption  of  an 
entirely  new  system  of  missionary  effort.  At  present  the 
missionaries  in  India  are  all  of  the  nature  of  heavy  infantry 
troops.  They  intrench  themselves  in  permanent  quarters, 
where  they  besiege  the  heathen  with  schools,  church  ser- 
vices, and  other  time-honored  weajDons  of  spiritual  warfare. 
As  their  marches  must  be  made  on  foot,  and  they  are  with- 
out proper  means  of  transportation,  they  can  move  but  a 
short  distance  from  their  base  of  supplies,  and  hence  their 
influence  is  circumscribed  within  comparatively  narrow 
limits.  A  corps  of  light  missionaries,  mounted  on  swift 
elephants,  and  carrying  a  fortnight's  supply  of  rations  and 
tracts,  would  revolutionize  the  whole  art  of  missionary 
campaigning.  The  intrepid  missionary  could  enter  a  vil- 
lage at  a  brisk  trot,  delivering  volleys  of  tracts  at  the 
flying  natives,  and  on  reaching  the  market-place  could 
preach  a  sermon  from  the  safe  elevation  of  his  "  howdah," 
which  would  command  far  greater  attention  than  any  ser- 
mon preached  by  a  dusty  pedestrian  could  possibly  com- 
mand. If  the  elephant,  who  is  a  wonderfully  intelligent 
beast,  were  taught  to  hunt  idols  and  dash  them  in  pieces 
\vith  his  trunk,  the  heathen  would  hardly  fail  to  be  struck 
wdth  awe.  It  need  scarcely  be  pointed  out  that  a  sermon 
preached  against  Juggernaut  from  the  back  of  an  elephant 
constantly  occupied  in  throwing  that  objectionable  idol 
into  the  air  and  catching  him  as  he  came  down,  would 
appeal  in  the  strongest  manner  to  the  impressible  Oriental 
mind. 

The  mounted  missionary  thus  roaming  the  Indian 
plains  would  present  a  very  different  spectacle  from  that 
presented  by  the  slow-plodding  missionary  of  the  Judson 
type.  In  fact,  the  difference  would  be  as  marked  as  that 
between  the  old-fashioned   Sunday-school,  where  children 


THE  BUZZ-SAW.  289 

struggled  with  the  Catechism,  and  its  modern  successor, 
where  the  comic  slides  of  the  magic-lantern  strengthen 
and  purify  the  juvenile  soul.  Dr.  Judson  and  his  com- 
peers, who  gave  their  lives  to  teach  the  heathen  the  way 
of  life,  may  have  been  well-meaning  and  not  wholly  unsuc- 
cessful men,  but  they  must  now  be  regarded  as  old-fash- 
ioned persons.  What  is  now  needed  is  the  dashing  light 
missionary,  dressed  in  a  striking  uniform,  mounted  on  his 
fast  elephant,  and  making  brilliant  and  unexpected  raids 
upon  the  astonished  heathen.  If  some  one  would  only 
invent  a  light  howitzer,  capable  of  being  carried  on  the 
back  of  an  elephant,  and  warranted  to  throw  tracts  with 
accuracy  at  least  a  thousand  yards,  the  mounted  missionary 
would  need  nothing  further  to  increase  his  efficiency. 


THE  BUZZ-SAW. 

The  recent  partial  destruction  of  a  leading  citizen  of 
Sheboygan  by  an  infuriated  buzz-saw  calls  renewed  atten- 
tion to  the  ferocious  character  of  the  latter  and  the  extreme 
danger  of  all  attempts  to  domesticate  it.  The  buzz-saw 
in  question  was  a  large  one  which  had  been  for  nearly  a 
year  in  the  possession  of  a  prominent  Sheboygan  lumber- 
merchant,  and  had  been  remarkable  for  its  uniform  good 
behavior  and  its  supposed  gentleness.  In  fact,  it  was  be- 
lieved to  be  thoroughly  tame,  and  its  proprietor,  although 
a  man  of  unusual  caution,  had  long  since  ceased  to  appre- 
hend any  danger  from  it.  Last  Friday  the  unfortunate 
leading  citizen  to  whom  reference  has  been  made  entered 
the  room  in  which  the  buzz-saw  is  confined,  and  while  en- 
gaged in  an  animated  conversation  with  the  lumber-mer- 
chant incautiously  stroked  the  side  of  the  buzz-saw,  under 
the  apparent  impression  that  it  was  asleep.  Without  an 
instant's  warning,  the  leading  citizen's  right  hand  was 
severed  at  the  wrist,  and  his  left  hand,  with  which  he  in- 
voluntarily tried  to  save  the  severed  member,  was  also 
frightfully  mangled.  Faint  with  pain  and  loss  of  blood,  he 
fell  directly  within  reach  of   the   ferocious   teeth  already 

19 


2  9  o  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FAXCIES. 

bathed  in  his  private  gore,  and  the  re  ult  was  that  before 
he  could  be  rescued  he  was  nearly  cut  in  two  in  the  region 
of  the  upper  vest  pocket.  He  still  survives,  although  in  a 
most  lamentable  condition,  and  his  physicians  assert  that 
had  the  buzz-saw  succeeded  in  its  deadly  purpose  of  divid- 
ing him  into  two  parts,  it  is  more  than  doubtful  whether 
the  resources  of  medical  science  would  have  been  able  to 
put  him  together  again.  The  affair  has  naturally  created 
a  good  deal  of  indignation,  and  the  people  of  Sheboygan 
are  asking  whether  it  is  tolerable  that  men  should  keep 
buzz-saws  which  may  at  any  moment  destroy  unwary  lead- 
ing citizens  and  dissect  incautious  women  and  children. 

That  the  buzz-saw  is  absolutely  untamable  has  been 
thoroughly  proved.  In  the  North-western  States,  where 
they  abound,  buzz-saws  are  kept  by  lumber  merchants  as 
commonly  as  dogs  are  kept  by  the  herdsmen  of  sheep- 
grazing  countres.  The  buzz-saw,  however,  has  no  sense 
of  gratitude,  is  insensible  to  fear,  and  cannot  be  trusted 
for  a  single  moment.  It  may  be  daily  fed  with  the  best 
lubricating  oil,  but  it  is  always  reidy  to  tear  the  hand  that 
feeds  it.  Though  it  miy  feign  gentleness  for  many  con- 
secutive months,  it  does  so  merely  in  order  to  render  its 
selected  victims  sufficiently  confident  to  place  themselves 
within  its  grasp.  Sooner  or  later  its  savage  thirst  for  blood 
will^  assert  itself,  and  the  despairing  shriek  of  its  unhappy 
prey- will  attest  the  sharpness  of  its  cruel  teeth.  There  is 
probably  not  a  single  buzz-saw  in  the  United  States  which 
has  been  in  captivity  for  more  than  six  months  of  which 
some  horrible  tragedy  cannot  be  told.  In  view  of  these 
facts  the  indignant  question  of  the  Sheboygan  people  de- 
serves an  answer,  and  there  can  be  but  little  doubt  as  to 
what  that  answer  should  be. 

Before,  however,  deciding  that  the  keeping  of  buzz-saws 
should  be  prohibited  by  law,  it  ought  to  be  ascertained 
whether  they  cannot  be  rendered  harmless  by  filing  their 
teeth.  It  has  been  already  shown  by  certain  dog-fanciers 
that  a  dog  whose  teeth  have  been  filed  so  as  to  render  them 
comparatively  blunt  cannot  inflict  a  dangerous  bite,  for  the 
simple  reason  that  his  teeth  cannot  break  the  human  skin. 
Might  not  a  similar  experiment  he  made  upon  the  buzz- 


THE  BUZZ-SAW. 


291 


saw  ?  Mr.  Bergh  would  doubtless  interpose  objections, 
and  argue  that  where  there  exists  a  deep-rooted  desire  for 
human  gore  it  is  cruelty  to  take  any  measures  calculated 
to  render  the  satisfying  of  this  desire  impossible.  All 
other  persons,  however,  will  agree  that  the  safety  of  leading 
citizens  is  of  more  consequence  than  the  comfort  of  the 
buzz-saw  ;  and  that  society  has  a  right  to  protect  the 
former  from  complete  or  partial  destruction,  even  at  the  cost 
of  inflicting  temporary  pain  upon  the  latter.  In  point  of  fact- 
however,  there  is  no  cruelty  in  filing  the  teeth  of  the  buzz, 
saw.  The  only  possible  objection  to  such  a  course  is  the 
uncertainty  whether  a  buzz-saw  with  blunt  teeth  would  be 
really  innocuous.  As  there  would  be  considerable  danger 
in  performing  the  experiment — owing  to  the  fierce  resist- 
ance which  the  buzz-saw  would  undoubtedly  make — it 
would  be  well  to  try  it  on  the  tiger  or  the  lion.  If  those 
animals  cannot  bite  with  blunt  teeth,  we  may  be  reasonably 
sure  that  the  buzz-saw  will  cease  to  be  dangerous  after 
undergoing  a  careful  process  of  dental  filing,  and  there  will 
be  sufficient  reason  for  incurring  the  danger  of  performing 
the  operation.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  it  should  be  found 
that  the  buzz-saw,  even  after  its  teeth  have  been  blunted, 
is  still  able  to  gratify  its  blood  thirsty  instincts,  the  decree 
for  its  extirpation  should  go  forth.  It  is  by  no  means 
creditable  to  use  that  while  we  have  shown  no  mercy  to  the 
grizzly  bear,  the  wolf,  and  the  rattlesnake,  we  have  per- 
mitted the  buzz-saw  to  multiply  without  restriction.  The 
latter  is  far  more  dangerous  than  the  indigenous  wild 
animals  which  it  has,  to  so  great  an  extent,  supplanted  ;  and 
now  that  it  has  set  its  teeth  in  the  flesh  of  a  leading  citizen, 
it  should  be  made  to  feel  the  vengeance  of  a  long-suffering 
and  mangled  people. 


2^2  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 


THE  TWO  BROWNS.       , 

There  is  a  class  of  people  who  are  always  ready  to  tell 
what  they  do  not  like,  but  who  carefully  refrain  from  men- 
tioning what  they  do  like.  They  are  eager  to  tear  down, 
but  entirely  unwilling  to  rebuild.  There,  for  example,  is 
Mr.  Talmage,  who  some  time  since  mentioned  with  indig- 
nant eloquence  that  a  ship  once  sailed  from  Boston  on 
board  of  which  were  "  three  missionaries  and  twenty-four 
thousand  gallons  of  rum."  Of  course,  he  meant  to  say  that 
there  was  a  want  of  proper  proportion  of  the  two  articles 
which  formed  that  vessel's  cargo.  In  his  opinion  either 
there  was  too  much  rum  for  the  missionaries,  or  too  many 
missionaries  for  the  rum  ;  but  he  contented  himself  with 
merely  expressing  his  dissatisfaction.  To  this  day  the 
the  world  does  not  know  what  Mr.  Talmage  considers  the 
true  proportion  between  rum  and  missionaries,  and  wheth- 
er he  thinks  that  the  Boston  ship  ought  to  have  carried 
less  than  three  missionaries  or  more  than  twenty -four 
thousand  gallons  of  rum.  He  found  it  easier  to  abuse  the 
ship-owners  than  to  explain  to  them  what  they  ought  to 
have  done  ;  and  preferred  to  scoff  rather  than  to  teach. 

Of  a  like  habit  of  mind  are  those  numerous  persons 
who  scoff  at  young  Mr.  Brown,  of  Utica.  The  other 
morning  young  Mr.  Brown's  father  arose  at  an  unholy  hour 
and  proceeded  to  examine  nis  refrigerator.  The  refriger- 
ator in  question  was  an  unusually  large  one  —  for  old  Mr. 
Brown  is  a  butcher,  and  necessarily  uses  a  great  deal  of 
ice  in  keeping  constantly  on  hand  for  a  week  or  a  fortnight 
"beef  that  was  killed  yesterday."  Entering  his  refrigera- 
tor for  some  purpose  not  distinctly  specified,  Mr.  Brown 
unwarily  permitted  the  door  to  close  after  him.  It  closed 
with  a  spring-lock,  and  the  unfortunate  butcher  found  him- 
self locked  up  in  an  air-tight  box  with  the  thermometer  at 
20°.   Death — and  a  particular  cold  variety  of  death  at  that — 


THE  TWO  BROWNS. 


293 


Stared  him  in  the  face ;  and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  for  once 
in  his  life  he  saw  the  folly  of  early  rising,  and  bitterly  re- 
pented of  his  fault. 

Meanwhile,  young  Mr.  Brown  was  sleeping  in  his  own 
bedroom  and  dreaming  with  great  energy  and  success. 
When  he  awoke,  at  a  comparatively  reasonable  hour,  he 
remembered  that  he  had  been  dreaming  that  he  had  a 
father  in  the  refrigerator.  It  does  not  appear  that  this 
dream  had  the  effect  of  inducing  him  to  get  out  of  bed 
earlier  than  was  his  custom.  Probably  he  took  very  little 
interest  in  the  dream,  and  rather  regretted  that  he  had  not 
dreamed  of  a  refrigerator  of  strawberries  and  cream,  or 
some  other  really  useful  article.  Or  perhaps  he  reflected 
that  the  weather  was  extremely  warm,  and  in  case  his  fath- 
er actually  was  in  the  refrigerator  he  would  be  sure  to 
"  keep  "  for  at  least  a  week  or  ten  days.  But  even  the 
youngest  men  must  in  time  get  out  of  bed,  and  so  young 
Mr.  Brown  ultimately  got  up  and  went  down  stairs  to  enjoy 
the  morning  air  and  to  ascertain  if  there  were  any  pork 
chops  for  breakfast. 

Whether  young  Mr.  Brown  opened  the  door  of  the  re- 
frigerator because  he  had  dreamed  that  it  contained  his 
father  or  because  he  hoped  that  it  contained  pork  chops  is 
not  certain.  Neither  is  it  positively  known  whether  his 
search  for  pork  chops  proved  successful.  We  do  know, 
however,  that  on  opening  the  refrigerator  young  Mn  Brown 
found  the  author  of  his  existence  so  nearly  frozen  that  he 
could  have  been  sent  to  a  Fiji  Island  hotel  with  the  cer- 
tainty of  arriving  at  his  destination  in  perfect  condition  for 
the  table.  Hurriedly  lifting  up  his  congealed  parent,  and 
casting  a  rapid  glance  at  the  shelf  where  the  pork  chops 
were  usually  kept,  the  horrified  son  called  for  help.  The 
other  members  of  the  household  promptly  assembled.  Old 
Mr.  Brown  was  judiciously  thawed  out,  and  on  recovering 
his  consciousness  learned  that  he  would  certainly  have 
been  a  dead  man  had  not  his  son  come  to  his  rescue. 

Now  it  will  be  perceived  that  the  question  whether 
young  Mr.  Brown  expected  to  find  his  father  in  the  refrig- 
erator, or  whether  his  whole  mind  was  occupied  with  pork 
chops   is  not  one  of  any  importance.     What  the  public 


294  -^-/X  TH  COL  UMN  FA  NCIES. 

wishes  to  know  is  Iiow  he  came  to  dream  that  he  had  a 
father  in  the  refrigerator?  It  is  this  question  that  scoffing 
iconoclasts  refuse  to  answer.  They  content  themselves 
with  saying  that  it  is  all  rubbish  to  claim  that  information 
is  ever  conveyed  by  dreams.  This  is  merely  an  attack  on 
young  Mr.  Brown's  dreaming  abilities,  and  it  suggests  no 
answer  to  the  question  under  consideration.  Of  course,  it 
might  be  said  that  the  presence  of  old  Mr.  Brown  in  the 
refrigerator  and  the  dream  of  young  Mr.  Brown  merely 
constituted  a  coincidence.  If  young  men  were  in  the 
habit  of  dreaming  of  fathers  on  ice,  and  if  old  men  were  in 
the  habit  of  shutting  themselves  up  in  refrigerators,  this 
explanation  might  be  accepted.  If  young  Mr.  Brown  had 
dreamed  of  pork  chops  in  the  refrigerator  and  had  subse- 
quently found  them  there,  it  would  undoubtedly  have  been 
a  mere  coincidence,  since  the  facts  would  have  been  in  ac- 
cordance with  the  usual  habits  of  both  young  Mr.  Brown 
and  pork  chops.  But  in  the  case  as  it  actually  occurred 
there  was  an  entirely  novel  dream  which  entirely  coincided 
with  an  entirely  novel  state  of  thmgs  If  this  was  a 
mere  coincidence,  it  is  idle  to  presume  that  there  is  any 
such  thing  as  cause  and  effect  in  the  sequence  of  any  suc- 
cessive events. 

Instead  of  sneering  at  all  dreams,  it  would  be  wiser  if 
skeptical  people  would  try  to  e.vplam  3^oung  Mr.  Brown's 
meritorious  dream  of  his  fatlier  and  the  refrigerator. 
There  is  no  reason  to  doubt  that  the  facts  of  the  case  are 
substantially  as  they  have  just  been  narrated.  The  sub- 
ject deserves  to  be  investigated  in  an  unprejudiced  spirit, 
and  without  any  connection  with  irrelevant  pork  chops. 
Until  it  is  so  investigated,  scoffers  should  keep  silent  and  re- 
frain from  attacking  one  theory  until  they  are  ready  to  re- 
place it  with  another. 


THE  RIVAL  '' motors:' 


•95 


\ 


THE  RIVAL  "  MOTORS. 


It  is  nearly  two  years  since  Mr.  Keely  first  announced 
that  his  new  "  motor  "  was  nearly  ready  to  begin  its  great 
work  of  supplanting  steam,  horses,  small-boys,  and  all 
other  previous  motive  powers.  All  that  he  wanted  was  a 
pailful  of  water  and  a  generator.  Since  that  time  he  has 
repeatedly  completed  his  generator,  but  he  still  delays  to 
begin  his  great  supplanting  process.  Probably  he  has  been 
unable  to  obtain  the  needed  pailful  of  water.  Indeed,  this 
is  the  only  explanation  which  will  account  for  his  delay, 
unless  we  accept  the  hypothesis  that  his  alleged  motor  is  a 
delusion. 

Meanwhile,  Mr.  Daniel  Cook,  of  Mansfield,  Ohio,  has 
invented  another  motor  which  promises  to  completely 
eclipse  that  devised  by  Mr.  Keely.  As  might  have  been 
expected,  since  it  is  the  invention  of  a  Western  man,  the 
Cook  motor  requires  no  water.  It  consists  simply  of  a 
generator,  which  generates  unlimited  quantities  of  electri- 
city, and  of  an  engine,  in  which  the  force  of  electricity  is 
trained  to  do  the  inventor's  bidding.  Hitherto  scientific 
persons  have  found  it  extremely  easy  to  generate  electricity 
in  small  quantities,  but  they  have  never  been  able  to  gen- 
erate enough  to  be  of  any  use.  There  are  scores  of  learned 
scientific  men  who  are  fully  capable  of  taking  a  cat  into  a 
dark  closet  and  of  rubbing  her  fur  the  wrong  way  until  it 
sparkles  and  crackles  with  electricity  ;  but  if  they  were  to 
be  asked  to  fill,  say,  an  eight-quart  pail  with  the  electricity 
thus  evolved,  and  to  construct  even  a  one-cat  power  en- 
gine in  which  to  use  the  subtle  fluid,  they  would  immedi- 
ately begin  to  talk  about  the  correlation  of  species  or  the 
survival  of  forces,  and  thus  endeavor  to  conceal,  under  a 
cloud  of  scientific  terms,  their  utter  inability  to  accomplish 
the  task  proposed.  It  is  true  that  Dr.  Franklin,  who  was 
once  caught  in  a  thunder-storm  while  flying  a  kite,  sustain- 


296  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

ed  a  severe  shock  from  the  electricity  which  passed  down 
the  string.  He  could  not,  however,  be  properly  said  to 
have  generated  the  electricity  thus  collected  from  the  clouds, 
and  his  subsequent  insincerity  in  excusing  his  want  of  suf- 
ficient knowledge  to  come  in  when  it  rained  by  alleging  that 
he  flew  his  kite  in  a  thunder-storm  as  a  scientific  experi- 
ment, casts  doubt  upon  his  entire  account  of  the  affair.  The 
truth  is,  electricity  has  never  yet  been  produced,  much  less 
bottled,  in  large  quantities,  by  any  scientific  person,  and 
the  utmost  that  science  can  do  in  that  direction  is  to  pro- 
duce a  few  sparks  with  the  common  domestic  cat,  or  a 
small  stream  with  the  help  of  a  galvanic  battery. 

Mr.  Cook,  on  the  other  hand,  has  discovered  a  method 
of  generating,  not  merely  currents,  but  "  whole  floods  and 
oceans  of  electricity,"  at  a  ridiculously  small  cost.  His  gen- 
erator needs  no  fuel,  but  when  once  put  in  working  order 
will  generate  electricity  by  the  hogshead  for  a  practically 
unlimited  period  of  time.  This  electricity  he  proposes  to 
supply  to  the  public  in  quantities  to  suit  customers,  and  he 
claims  that  as  fuel  and  light  it  will  speedily  supersede  coal 
and  gas.  It  is,  however,  chiefly  as  a  motive  power  that  he 
values  his  invention.  It  can  be  applied  to  all  the  purposes 
for  which  either  steam  or  gunpowder  is  now  used,  and  is 
infinitely  more  powerful  than  either.  With  it  he  has  repeat- 
edly performed  the  interesting  experiment  of  sending 
"chunks  of  iron"  through  the  roof  of  his  house  and  out 
into  space,  beyond  the  reach  of  the  earth's  attraction.  This 
clearly  demonstrates  the  tremendous  power  of  the  new 
motor,  but  it  is  doubtful  if  Mrs.  Smith  fully  appreciates  the 
grandeur  of  the  feat  of  hurling  "  chunks  "  of  iron  through 
her  ceilings,  or  if  the  natives  of  other  planets  approve  of 
the  recklessness  which  sends  the  same  "  chunks  "  flying 
about  their  heads.  Mr.  Cook  has  become  so  elated  with 
the  success  of  his  chunk  experiment  that  he  thinks  he  can 
navigate  space  by  machines  propelled  by  the  same  force 
which  hurls  his  chunks  of  iron  through  Mrs.  Smith's  dining- 
room  ceiling  and  spare  bed.  There  is  no  doubt  that  if 
iron  can  be  shot  beyond  the  sphere  of  the  earth's  attrac- 
tion, other  missiles  could  be  similarly  projected,  and  there 
are  probably  scores  of  men  who  would  be  as  willing  to  have 


THE   WIIEELBARROIV  IN  POLITICS.  297 

all  their  wives'  relatives  thus  hurled  into  the  inter-stellar 
spaces  as  Artemus  Ward  was  to  have  his  wife's  relatives 
enter  the  army.  No  person,  however,  will  be  willing  to 
lead  the  way  in  such  a  hazardous  expedition  into  space, 
and  Mr.  Cook  will  have,  for  some  time  to  come,  to  devote 
himself  to  the  benevolent  work  of  converting  his  neighbors' 
cats  into  improved  comets  which  will  circle  forever  round 
the  sun  with  glistening  eyeballs  and  with  streaming  and 
expanded  tails. 

While  there  is  no  more  reason  to  doubt  the  truth  of 
Mr.  Cook's  assertions  than  there  is  to  doubt  those  of  Mr. 
Keely,  it  is  annoying  to  reflect  that  neither  inventor  has 
yet  fully  perfected  his  respective  motor.  It  is  announced 
that  the  Cook  motor  is  to  be  patented  and  laid  before  the 
public  at  once,'but  very  possibly  something  will  intervene 
to  delay  its  completion.  Perhaps  the  most  satisfactory 
proof  which  these  two  great  inventors  could  give  of  the 
genuineness  of  their  claims  would  be  for  Mr.  Keely  to 
shoot  Mr.  Cook  into  space  with  the  electric  motor,  and  to 
subsequently  blow  himself  into  fine  particles  with  his  own 
water-pail  motor.  There  would  then  be  an  end  of  all  un- 
certainty as  to  these  two  great  inventions,  and  there  would 
also  be  a  satisfactory  end  of  the  two  inventors.  The  world 
has  a  great  respect  for  inventive  genius,  but  when  a  man 
continually  announces  for  a  long  period  that  he  has  invent- 
ed a  new  motor  which  he  is  never  quite  ready  to  exhibit, 
the  desire  to  kill  him,  and  thus  silence  his  aggravating 
claims  forever,  becomes  one  of  the  strongest  passions  ever 
developed  in  the  human  breast. 


THE  WHEELBARROW  IN  POLITICS. 

It  is  undeniable  that  the  American  is  fond  of  betting 
on  elections.  He  does  this  from  a  variety  of  motives. 
Sometimes  he  bets  because  he  is  anxious  to  know  who  is 
to  be  elected,  and  remembers  the  reply  of  that  profound 
investigator.  Sir  Isaac  Newton,  to  an  ignorant  person  who 
questioned  the  truth  of  the  theory  of  gravitation — "  How 


298  SIX  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

can  you  lind  out  whether  anythhig  is  true  or  not  unless 
you  bet  on  it?"  At  other  times  he  bets  because  he  is 
confident  as  to  what  the  result  will  be,  and  desirous  of 
winning  money  and  hats.  And,  finally,  he  bets  because 
he  is  a  cheerful  idiot,  who  longs  to  be  publicly  wheeled  in 
a  wheelbarrow,  or  to  witness  a  congenial  display  of  idiocy 
on  the  part  of  his  opponent. 

The  extent  to  which  the  wheelbarrow  pervades  our 
system  of  popular  government  is  one  of  the  first  things 
which  strikes  an  intelligent  foreigner  who  visits  this  coun- 
try immediately  after  an  election,  and  travels  from  New 
York  to  Niagara  Falls  and  thence  to  Canada,  in  order  to 
thoroughly  study  American  institutions.  On  every  road 
men  are  seen  solemnly  wheeling  wheelbarrows  which  con- 
tain barrels  of  flour,  barrels  of  apples,  or  exultant  citizens. 
Occasionally  the  electoral  wheelbarrow  is  empty  —  thus 
indicating  that  the  intellect  of  the  wheeler  or  of  his  betting 
opponent  has  been  able  to  grasp  the  bold  conception  of 
an  empty  wheelbarrow,  but  has  proved  too  feeble  to  simul- 
taneously grapple  with  the  idea  of  a  wheelbarrow  laden 
with  citizens  or  barrels.  All  over  the  country  the  wheeler 
and  the  wheeled  pursue  their  solemn  way  until  they  have 
accomplished  the  full  mission  of  their  idiocy  as  prescribed 
by  the  conditions  of  their  respective  wagers.  The  spectacle 
is  one  which  necessarily  fills  the  thoughtful  foreigner  with 
amazement,  and  it  was  perhaps  only  natural  that  the  dis- 
tinguished Italian  historian  and  essayist,  Signor'G.  Mac- 
cheroni,  should  have  mistakenly  asserted  in  his  Storia 
Politica  Degli  Stati  JjJiiti,  that  "  after  an  election  the 
defeated  party  is  always  wheeled  by  its  successful  antag- 
onists many  miles  into  the  gloomy  interior  of  that  vast 
and  savage  country,  where  it  is  compelled  to  remain  in 
exile  until  the  next  election,  subsisting  exclusively  upon 
flour  and  apples,  and  cruelly  deprived  of  the  consolations 
of  music  and  monkeys." 

There  is  no  doubt  that  the  man  who  makes  a  wheel- 
barrow bet  fancies  that  if  he  is  publicly  wheeled  by  his 
opponent,  the  latter  will  be  covered  with  ridicule  Herein 
he  shows  a  hopeless  idiocy,  nearly  allied  to  that  which  is 
evinced  by  the  alleged  persons  who  bite  off  their  personal 


THE  WHEELBARROW  IN  POLITICS.  299 

noses  in  order  to  spite  their  respective  faces.  The  wheeler 
is  vastly  less  ridiculous  than  the  wheeled.  The  latter 
cannot  possibly  maintain  a  dignified  appearance  when 
huddled  together  in  a  wheelbarrow,  built  without  the 
slightest  reference  to  the  exigencies  of  the  human  legs, 
while  the  former  has  the  priceless  privilege  of  wheeling 
him  over  every  stone  in  the  road,  and  thus  bumping  him 
until  he  is  unable  to  remember  whether  he  was  originally 
flavored  with  lemon  or  vanilla,  and  utterly  careless  as  to 
what  form  of  mold  he  is  to  be  emptied  into  at  the  end  of 
his  ride.  It  is  the  wheeled  and  not  the  wheeler  who 
absorbs  the  interest  of  the  small-boy,  and  the  fact  that  he 
cannot  extricate  himself  from  a  wheelbarrow  in  motion  in 
order  to  pursue  a  juvenile  humorist  renders  him  the  target 
of  every  sarcastic  cat  and  ironical  cabbage  that  the  small- 
boy  can  bring  to  his  attention. 

It  is  possible  that  a  vague  perception  of  the  disadvan- 
tages of  being  wheeled  may  have  led  the  less  violent  idiots 
to  restrict  their  wheelbarrow  bets  to  the  wheeling  of  barrels 
of  apples  and  of  barrels  of  flour.  The  man  who  wheels  a 
heavy  barrel  for  several  miles,  while  his  successful  op- 
ponent follows  in  a  carriage  and. reads  the  election  returns 
in  a  loud  and  cheerful  voice,  is  naturally,  in  public  estima- 
tion, the  more  pitiable  idiot  of  the  two.  Bat  even  he  has 
at  his  command  the  means  of  relieving  himself  of  his  task, 
and  of  achieving  sudden  popularity.  He  has  only  to  upset 
his  barrel  in  a  crowded  street,  and  to  sit  quietly  on  the 
curb  stoae  until  the  last  apple  or  the  last  pound  of  flour 
has"  been  carried  off  by  the  grateful  populace.  It  is  a  con- 
vincing evidence  of  the  weakness  of  the  wheelbarrow  idiot 
that  -he  rarely  thinks  of  this  device,  but  calmly  wheels  his 
barrel  to  his  own  home  and  then  confiscates  it.  Of  course, 
if  he  thus  prefers  theft  and  ridicule  to  ease  and  popularity, 
it  is  his  own  affair^  but  it  is  sufficiently^clear  that  no  one 
with  any  glimmering  of  sense  need  look  upon  the  wheeling 
of  electoral  barrels  as  a  burdensome  penalty  for  rash 
betting. 

The  recent  Presidential  election,  the  result  of  which 
was  so  long  in  doubt  owing  to  the  determined  effort  of  the 
politicians    to    keep    back    the    returns    with   the  view  of 


300  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

counting  out  Peter  Cooper,  affords  an  excellent  opportunity 
for  the  final  withdrawal  of  the  wheelbarrow  from  American 
politics.  The  uncertainty  which  for  so  many  days  pre- 
vented the  payment  of  bets  caused  the  wheelbarrow  betters 
to  lose  all  interest  in  their  prospective  wheeling.  A  torch- 
light procession  by  daylight,  waving  banners  inscribed  with 
the  names  of  last  year's  defeated  candidates,  would  be 
cheerful  in  comparison  with  feats  of  public  wheeling  per- 
formed in  connection  with  an  election,  of  w^iich  we  are 
now  all  so  thoroughly  tired.  Thus  it  is  highly  improbable 
that  this  year's  wheelbarrow  wagers  will  be  paid,  and  there 
is  hence  an  opportunity  for  people  to  seriously  ask  them- 
selves what  good  purpose  such  wagers  can  possibly  serve? 
What  benefit  will  the  country  derive  if  Mr.  Bowles  should 
persist  in  wheeling  a  rival  editor  from  Springfield  to 
Boston  ?  Could  the  former  nominate  Mr.  Adams  with  any 
more  vigor  and  constancy  than  he  has  hitherto  done,  and 
could  the  latter  conduct  his  paper  any  better  for  being 
bumped  into  a  mass  of  palpitating  protaplasm  ?  Let  these 
great  men  set  the  noble  example  of  voluntarily  cancelling 
their  bet,  and  let  them  henceforth  urge  upon  the  people 
the  duty  and  expediency  of  totally  eliminating  the  wheel- 
barrow from  the  political  arena. 


ROYAL  QUARRELS. 

One  of  the  chief  objections  to  following  the  business  of 
a  reigning  king  or  queen  is  the  publicity  which  is  given 
to  every  royal  act  and  thought.  The  modern  newspaper 
correspondent  knows  everythino;  that  takes  place  within  the 
walls  of  every  royal  or  imperial  p  ilnce  in  Europe.  Why  it  is 
that  Victoria,  and^William,  and  Alexander,  and  the  other 
members  of  the  profession  confide  all  their  hopes,  anxieties, 
and  troubles  to  the  correspondents  of  the  Oshkosh  Bugle 
of  Freedom.,  or  other  leading  beer  journals  of  America,  is 
not  plain  to  the  ordinary  mind  ;  but  that  such  is  the  habit- 
ual conduct  of  those  confiding  monarchs  there  is  no  room 
for  doubt.     Thanks  to  the  newspaper  correspondents,  the 


ROYAL  QUARRELS.  301 

world  knows  exactly  how  often  the  crown  prince  of  Ger- 
many boxes  the  ears  of  the  crown  princess,  and  precisely 
what  the  Emperor  William  remarked  to  his  wayward  son 
when  he  last  caught  him  in  the  act  of  enforcing  marital 
discipline,  and  gently  checked  his  ardor  by  twisting  his 
left  ear.  Especially  are  we  familiar  with  the  respective 
griefs  of  the  members  of  the  English  royal  family.  We 
know  how  the  Princess  Beatrice  told  her  mother  that  she 
would  not  walk  behind  any  Russian  minx  that  ever  yet 
breakfasted  on  candles  ;  and  how  the  queen  said  :  "  Never 
mind,  my  dear,  Mr.  Disraeli  shall  give  us  the  imperial  title, 
and  then  no  imported  minx  can  take  precedence  over 
princesses  of  native  manufacture."  Then  we  are  told  how 
the  Duchess  of  Edinburgh  resented  this  astute  device,  and 
said  to  the  queen  :  "  If  you  think,  mum,  that  I  shall  recog- 
nize your  Indian  title,  mum,  you  are  mistaken  ;  which  I 
am  not  to  be  put  upon  in  that  way,  mum,  and  am  going 
back  to  Russia  to-morrow,  mum."  These  and  other  stories 
might  seem  a  trifle  improbable  did  not  the  newspaper  cor- 
respondents assure  us  of  their  truth,  and  unless  we  are  to 
doubt  their  word,  we  must  accept  the  painful  certainty  that 
royal  families  cannot  indulge  in  the  most  private  "  tiff  " 
without  having  a  full  report  of  their  remarks  subsequently 
laid  before  the  public. 

The  latest  domestic  disagreement  in  the  household  of 
the  Prince  of  Wales  is  so  unique  in  its  origin,  and  promises 
to  be  so  serious  in  its  results  that  it  is  strange  that  it  has 
hitherto  received  only  a  passing  notice  from  the  enterpris- 
ing correspondents.  It  is  generally  known  that  the  prince 
brought  home  a  large  menagerie  of  wild  animals  from  In- 
dia, partly  with  the  view  of  eclipsing  the  Skye  terriers  of 
which  his  brother  Alfred  is  perpetually  boasting,  and  partly 
to  go  into  business  as  a  travelling  menagerie  exhibitor  in 
case  Mr.  Bradlaugh  carries  out  his  threat  of  refusing  to 
permit  him  to  ascend  the  throne.  Among  these  animals 
were  two  fine  ostriches  of  the  most  miscellaneous  digestive 
powers.  These  ostriches  were  at  first  welcomed  with  de- 
light by  Alexandra,  who  is  fond  of  singing  birds,  and  were 
placed  in  the  back  yard  of  the  Sandringham  palace.  On 
the  very  first  night  of  their  arrival  they  ate  up  the  lawn- 


302  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

mower,  all  the  garden  tools,  and  a  set  of  camp-stools.  On 
discovering  that  these  articles  were  missing,  the  prince 
instantly  accused  his  wife  of  having  put  them  away,  accord- 
ing to  the  aggravating  custom  of  orderly  women,  and  ex- 
pressed the  wish  that  she  would  learn  to  leave  his 
things  alone.  That  day  the  correspondents  were  pained 
to  know  that  Alexandra  was  constantly  weeping,  and  that 
the  prince  remained  sullen  and  silent.  On  the  next  day 
one  of  the  ostriches  was  detected  by  the  princess  in  the 
act  of  swallowing  the  very  last  article  of  the  week's  wash, 
white  the  other  was  ravenously  devouring  the  clothes-pins. 
This  terrible  scene  afforded  a  clue  to  the  disappearance  of 
the  lawn-mower  and  the  agricultural  tools,  and  we  can 
easily  understand  that  the  princess,  indignant  at  the  false 
accusations  which  had  been  levelled  at  her,  and  outraged 
by  the  loss  of  the  week's  wash,  demanded,  with  flashing 
eyes,  that  the  ostriches  should  instantly  have  a  few  feet 
of  their  necks  wrung,  and  should  subsequently  be  sent  to 
the  poulterer's.  The  prince  refused  to  accede  to  this  pro- 
posal, and  asserted  that  he  would  keep  ostriches  in  his 
own  back  yard  in  spite  of  all  the  princesses  in  England  or 
Denmark,  and  the  upshot  of  the  w^hole  affair  was  a  com- 
plete estrangement  between  the  once  loving  pair,  and  the 
promulgation  of  mutual  threats  of  divorce  and  ostrich  poi- 
soning. 

This  curious  illustration  of  royal  manners  and  customs 
has  not  been  minutely  described  by  the  correspondents, 
but  the  story  is  as  intrinsically  probable  as  any  of  the  anec- 
dotes of  palace  dissensions  which  are  daily  published.  It 
is  not  saying  too  much  to  claim  that  it  deserves  precisely 
as  much  credit  as  is  due  to  the  elaborate  accounts  of  the 
quarrel  between  the  Princess  Beatrice  and  the  Duchess 
of  Edinburgh,  and  the  public  which  believes  the  latter 
ought  to  have  no  difficulty  in  accepting  the  former. 


THE  EXPRESS  EVIL.  303 


THE  EXPRESS  EVIL. 

There  are  certain  moral  evils  which  are  always  prom- 
inently developed  in  thickly  populated  towns.  It  may 
not  be  true  that  the  inhabitants  of  a  city  are  more  frequently 
immoral  than  the  inhabitants  of  rural  villages,  but  it  is  very 
certain  that  forms  of  vice  which  are  scarcely  known  among 
the  latter  are  repulsively  .prominent  among  the  former. 
How  to  deal  with  these  vices  is  the  problem  of  the.legisla- 
tor.  They  may  be  totally  ignored,  or  the  attempt  may  be 
made  to  regulate  or  suppress  them.  The  latter,  is,  of 
course,  the  plan  which  the  moralist  instinctively  advocates, 
but  if  experience  demonstrates  that  repression  is  impossible, 
it  is  then  the  duty  of  the  wise  man  to  ascertain  if  another 
course  may  not  lessen  the  evils  which  all  decent  men 
deplore. 

Among  these  moral  evils  inseparable  from  city  civiliza- 
tion is  the  express  evil.  It  was  unknown  in  the  earlier 
and  purer  days  of  the  Republic,  but  of  late  years  it  has 
made  terrific  strides.  Our  cities  swarm  with  its  ministers 
and  votaries.  The  expressman  lies  in  wait  for  his  prey" 
not  only  in  the  streets  and  hotels,  but  he  hunts  for  victims 
on  the  railway  trains  and  steamboats  that  bring  hither  the 
innocent  rural  traveller.  In  the  most  prominent  thorough- 
fares the  temples  of  the  express  evil  raise  their  shameless 
front,  and  the  infamous  work  of  ruining  externally  and  in- 
ternally the  trunks  of  confiding  tourists  is  practiced  in 
broad  daylight,  and  without  a  pretence  of  concealment. 
This  state  of  things  has  now  existed  for  many  years,  and  it 
daily  grows  worse  and  worse.  It  is  time  that  we  seriously 
inquired  what  is  our  real  duty  in  regard  to  it. 

At  an  early  period  our  legislatures  seemed  to  have 
formed  the  decision  that  the  express  evil  cannot  be  sup- 
posed by  penal  legislation.  While  men  and  women  remain 
the  same   as  they  are  at  present,  they  will  possess  trunks, 


304 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


which  they  will  inevitably  insist  upon  moving  from  place 
to  place.  Even  were  the  police  to  arrest  every  known 
professional  expressman,  others  would  be  found  who  would 
carry  on  the  trade  of  trunk-smashing  in  secrecy,  and  this 
very  secrecy  would  be  attended  by  evils  perhaps  greater 
than  those  which  now  characterize  the  express  business. 
Holding  these  views,  our  legislators  have  despaired  of 
crushing  out  the  express  evil,  and  they  have  hence  under- 
taken to  lessen  its  horrors  by  subjecting  it  to  legal  regula- 
tion. To  the  moralist  there  is  something  inexpressibly 
revolting  in  the  idea  of  licensing  expressmen,  and  thus 
giving  the  implied  sanction  of  law  to  their  trunk  and  valise 
destroying  trade.  But  if  the  license  system  limits  the 
number  of  expressmen,  and  lessens  the  number  of  trunks 
that  would  otherwise  be  irretrievably  lost  and  ruined,  does 
not  the  gain  justify  the  system  ?  We  do  not  say  that  it 
does,  but  the  question  is  not  one  to  be  lightly  put  aside 
and  disregarded. 

The  license  system  has  been  in  force  so  long  that  its 
result  can  easily  be  ascertained  and  its  actual  value '  es- 
timated. It  is  obvious  that  while  it  has  prevented  clan- 
destine baggage-smashing,  it  has  greatly  increased  the 
number  and  boldness  of  professional  expressmen.  Where 
a  dozen  years  ago  there  w^as  one  express-office  in  this  city 
there  are  now  a  dozen,  and  each  one  seems  to  vie  with 
its  rivals  in  the  evil  which  it  accomplishes.  Every  day  there 
are  hundreds  of  men  and  women  who  yield  to  the  seduc- 
tive wiles  of  the  railroad  express  agent,  and  intrust  him 
with  trunks  which  he  promises  to  deliver  promptly  and 
in  an  uninjured  state.  We  all  know  what  follows.  Hours 
after  the  promised  time  the  unfortunate  trunks  are  returned 
to  their  owners — if  indeed  they  are  returned  at  all — in 
a  condition  of  dilapidation  which  shocks  the  most  hardened 
traveller.  Even  if  they  are  not  irretrievably  ruined,  their 
straps  have  departed  forever,  and  no  repentance  for  mis- 
placed confidence  can  ever  restore  the  integrity  of  their 
hinges.  In  many  cases  trunks  that  falls  into  the  hand  of  the 
expressmen  are  never  seen  again.  They  are  swallowed  up 
in  the  whirlpool  of  the  express  evil,  and  are  lost  as  irretriev- 
ably as  though  they  had  sunk  to  the  bottom  of  the  river. 


PORCINE  PRODIGIES.  305 

If  this  has  been  the  result  of  the  license  system,  it  is 
difficult  to  see  how  we  can  refrain  from  calling  it  a  failure. 
And  yet  we  should  probably  gain  nothing  by  adopting  the 
policy  of  repression,  while  the  idea  of  ignoring  the  whole 
matter  and  permitting  every  one  to  ply  the  vocation  of  an 
expressman  without  the  slightest  restraint  is,  of  course,  out 
of  the  question.  It  cannot  be  that  the  enlightened  nine- 
teenth century  is  incapable  of  grappling  with  this  formida- 
ble evil  and  rendering  it  henceforth  innocuous.  Still  the 
true  method  of  so  doing  has  yet  to  be  devised,  and  the 
subject  is  one  which  ought  to  engage  the  earnest  attention 
of  moralists  and  social  reformers. 


PORCINE  PRODIGIES. 

Every  one  knows  that  the  law  of  Moses  forbade  the  an- 
cient Israelites  to  eat  pork.  It  does  not  follow,  however, 
that  the  Jews  despised  the  pig.  Their  abstinence  from 
pork  may  have  been  a  proof  not  that  they  loved  pork  less 
but  pig  more.  Among  the  Gentiles,  on  the  other  hand, 
the  pig  has  been  universally  prized  as  containing  the  prom- 
ise and  potency  of  ham,  bacon,  roast  pork,  and  sausages. 
He  is  found  all  over  the  globe,- and  it  is  a  touching  thought 
that  the  morning  squeak  of  the  hungry  pig  follows  the 
sun  in  his  rising  and  that  the  universal  habit  of  gathering 
swill  for  the  sustenance  and  comfort  of  swine  indicates  the 
common  origin  of  all  mankind,  and  binds  humanity  to- 
gether by  a  fragrant  and  semi-liquid  bond. 

In  all  ages  the  pig  has  been  the  friend  and  companion 
of  a  man.  In  the  cottage  of  the  Irish  peasant  he  shares 
the  bed  and  board  of  his  proprietor,  and  in  our  Western 
land  the  pig's  palatial  sty  is  built  close  under  the  eyes  and 
noses  of  the  farmer's  family.  In  Polynesia  so  greatly  is 
the  pig  venerated  that  the  simple  islander  can  find  no 
better  way  in  which  to  describe  the  tender  and  wholesome 
missionary  than  to  call  him  "  long  pig."  In  some  parts 
of  the  world  the  pig  has  been  made  the  standard  of  value, 
and  used  as  currency.     Thus,  in  the  Fiji  islands,  pigs  were 

20 


3o6  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES, 

formerly  made  a  legal  tender  for  the  purchase  of  wives, 
and  were  regarded  by  native  financiers  as  a  wonderfully 
convenient,  satisfactory,  and  non-exportable  species  of  cur- 
rency. It  was  found,  however,  that  unprincipled  Fijian 
speculators  would  occasionally  inflate  their  pigs  with  dried 
apples  and  water,  and  thus  defraud  their  creditors  and 
disturb  the  national  finances,  whereupon  the  king  called 
in  the  whole  outstanding  volume  of  pigs,  and  decreed  a 
return  to  the  old-fashioned  system  under  which  the  strong 
paid  the  weak  with  clubs  and  battle-axes. 

Aside  from  his  uses  as  food  and  currency,  the  pig 
possesses  many  charming  qualities  of  head  and  heart,  to- 
gether with  accomplishments  that  endear  him  to  every 
cultivated  mind.  He  has  a  powerful  and  beautiful  voice, 
and  vv'hen  he  lifts  it  up  to  sing  his  passionate  and  despair- 
ing death  song  in  the  presence  of  the  remorseless  butcher, 
he  frequently  surpasses  the  best  efforts  of  certain  popular 
interpreters  of  the  Verdian  opera.  It  is  only  fair  to  admit 
that  his  habit  of  soliloquizing  when  analyzing  the  contents 
of  the  swill-tub  is  not  an  evidence  of  good  breeding. 
Still,  if  we  knew  the  meaning  of  his  remarks  we  might  be 
forced  to  recognize  him  as  a  profound  philosopher,  and 
hence  a  beast  absolved  from  a  close  compliance  with  the 
artificial  laws  of  social  intercourse.  Indirectly  the  pig 
has  had  a  large  share  in  the  achievements  of  art  for  which 
men  have  basely  taken  the  exclusive  credit.  The  pig  built 
the  two  great  cities  of  Cincinnati  and  Chicago,  and  it  was 
with  his  inspired  bristles  that  Rubens  painted  his  greatest 
pictures,  and  our  leading  African  artists  whitewashed  our 
walls  and  ceilings. 

The  pig's  intellect  is  clear  and  strong.  What  has  been 
mistakenl}^  called  his  "  obstinacy  "  is  only  his  intense  in- 
dividuality. He  disdains  to  yield  to  coercion,  and  before 
blaming  the  pig  for  refusing  to  be  dragged  in  a  given  di- 
rection by  a  string  tied  to  his  hind  leg,  his  critics  should 
ask  themselves  whether  in  like  circumstances  they  too 
would  not  protest  with  equal  shrillness  against  so  indecent 
an  outrage.  That  the  pig  has  a  remarkable  capacity  for 
learning  has  been  repeatedly  proved.  Pigs  have  been 
taught,  to  solve  mathematical  problems  without  the  aid  of 


PORCIA^E  PRODIGIES.  ^o; 

slate  and  pencil,  which  men  calling  themselves  intelligent 
and  accomplished  could  not  have  solved  with  a  whole 
school-room  full  of  black-boards  and  absolutely  unlimited 
chalk.  The  crowning  intellectual  achievement  of  the  pig 
has  been  his  mastery  of  the  game  of  whist.  There  have 
been  learned  pigs  who  could  sit  down  to  a  whist-table  and 
play  a  brilliant  and  successful  game  without  once  grunting 
at  an  opponent  who  was  slow  in  leading,  or  yelling  at  ,a 
partner  who  timidly  held  on  to  five  trumps  and  an  honor. 
We  might  seek  in  vain  at  our  best  clubs  for  so  much  skill, 
combined  with  such  careful  courtesy,  at  the  whist-table, 
and  even  if  the  story  of  the  California  pig,  who  played 
poker  and  dealt  himself  four  aces  every  time,  be  untrue, 
the  fact  that  the  pig  is  a  whist-playing  animal  demonstrates 
his  rare  intellectual  capacity. 

And  now  a  Kentucky  pig  has  suddenly  developed  a 
genius  for  gymnastics  and  engineering  which  eclipses  the 
proudest  previous  achievements  of  his  race.  This  eminent 
pig  was  recently  placed  by  his  owner  in  a  pasture  surround- 
ed by  a  high  wall  and  ornamented  by  elm-trees  festooned 
with  wild-grape-vines.  The  walls,  however,  could  not 
confine  his  bold  and  vagrant  spirit.  Selecting  a  tree  stand- 
ing near  the  western  wall  of  the  pasture,  he  carefully  bit 
loose  the  lower  end  of  a  stout  grape-vine  which  was  at- 
tached by  its  tendrils  to  a  limb  of  the  tree,  and  taking  this 
improvised  rope  in  his  mouth,  swung  himself  in  the  air 
until  he  had  gathered  an  impetus  which  sent  him  entirely 
over  the  wall  and  landed  him  in  the  next  field.  Though 
often  recaptured,  he  has  constantly  repeated  this  extraor- 
dinary feat,  and  his  intelligent  owner,  instead  of  cutting 
down  his  elm  trees  to  restrain  his  pig's  wandering  propen- 
sity, has  wisely  decided  to  educate  him  for  the  trapeze 
business,  provided  so  noble  a  spirit  proves  willing  to 
minister  to  the  amusement  of  a  circus  audience. 

Henceforth  men  will  have  a  higher  estimate  than  ever 
of  the  abilities  of  the  pig.  It  is  impossible  to  say  what 
education  may  not  do  in  the  way  of  developing  the  porcine 
intellect.  If  the  pig  can  turn  somersaults  on  the  trapeze, 
why  may  he  not  become  a  s«uccessful  jDolitician  ?  He  has 
the  obstinacy,  the  lung-power,  and  the  innate  love  of  dirt 


3  o8  S/X  TH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

which  distinguish  the  poUtician.  Let  the  Kentucky 
inflationists  nominate  the  particular  pig  above  described 
for  Congress  on  the  broad  platform  of  "  Reform  and 
Repudiation,"  and  the  next  House  of  Representatives  will 
have  a  leader  who  will  instandy  eclipse  the  fame  of  the 
noisest  and  most  agile  of  the  present  members. 


CRUSHED  TRUTH. 

Truth,  when  crushed  to  earth  by  a  single  blow,  may 
very  likely  rise  up  and  vanquish  her  enemies  ;  but  when 
Truth,  in  addition  to  being  knocked  down,  is  set  upon  by 
quantities  of  heavy  scientific  persons  and  hosts  of  hotel- 
keepers  for  long  successive  years,  there  is  very  little  chance 
that  she  will  ever  get  up  again.  This  nefarious  outrage  is 
now,  and  has  been  for  a  quarter  of  a  century,  in  progress 
in  connection  with  the  Old  Stone  Mill  at  Newport,  and 
there  is  no  reasonable  doubt  that  the  true  origin  and  nature 
of  that  ugly  edifice  will  be  utterly  forgotten  in  the  course  of 
the  next  hundred  years  ;  and  that  the  myth  which  assigns 
the  Northmen  as  its  builders  will  be  universally  received 
by  our  great-grandchildren.  The  annual  summer  investi- 
gation into  its  origin  by  a  "  party  of  antiquarians  "  occu- 
pying front  rooms  at  the  leading  Newport  hotels  has  just 
been  finished,  with  the  usual  result  that  every  antiquarian 
decided  that  it  must  have  been  built  by  the  Northmen,  and 
that  he  would  like  to  have  a  fresh  box  of  cigars  sent  up  to 
his  room.  Every  such  inv^estigation  has  its  effect  upon  the 
young  and  thoughtless,  and  thus  assists  in  crushing  into  a 
permanent  and  hopeless  jelly  the  real  truth  of  the  matter. 

Thirty  years  ago  every  resident  of  Newport  who  was 
not  interested  in  the  hotel  or  in  the  real-estate  business 
knew  that  the  Old  Stone  Mill  was  simply  a. mill  and  noth- 
ing more,  and  that  it  was  built  at  a  comparatively  recent 
date  by  a  Rhode  Island  miller.  It  so  happened  that  the 
hotel-keepers  at  Nahant,  which  was  then  the  sole  New 
England  rival  of  Newport  as  a  watering-place,  hit  upon 
the  happy  thought  of  attracting  patronage  by  means  of  a 


CRUSHED   TRUTH.  309 

sea-serpent,  and  thus  drew  away  from  Newport  those  thrifty 
summer  loiterers  who  held  that  a  watering-place  which 
offered  free  sea-serpents  was  preferable  to  one  that  could 
boast  of  nothing  better  than  an  occasional  shark.  Now,  it 
would  have  been  easy  for  the  Newport  hotel-keepers  to  man- 
ufacture a  score  of  witnesses  who  would  have  sworn  that 
they  had  seen  sea-serpents  in  Narragansett  Bay  a  thousand 
•feet  long,  and  with  blue  monkeys  sitting  on  their  backs. 
This  result,  however,  could  not  have  been  achieved  without 
first  giving  the  proposed  witnesses  a  fortnight's  free  use 
of  the  hotel  bar-rooms,  with  all  that  the  name  implies. 
The  hotel-keepers  therefore  preferred  to  invent  a  prehis- 
toric ruin,  and  to  father  its  construction  upon  the  shadowy 
Northmen  whom  a  doubtful  legend  names  as  the  discov- 
erers of  Rhode  Island.  Thus  Newport  offered  its  Old 
Stone  Mill,  rechristened  the  "Northmen's  fortress,"  as  an 
offset  to  Nahant's  sea-serpent ;  and  proudly  claimed  that 
while  the  latter  appealed  only  to  a  depraved  and  vulgar 
taste  for  the  horrible,  the  majestic  tower  of  the  ancient 
Sea  Kings  was  eminently  adopted  to  satisfy  the  immortal 
longings  of  a  refined  and  cultured  spirit. 

Of  course,  so  bold  and  violent  a  conversion  of  a 
Yankee  grist  mill  into  a  Norse  fortress  needed  to  be  con- 
stantly supported  by  fresh  and  plausible  evidence.  It  may 
not  be  true  that  during  the  last  thirty  years  every  Newport 
hotel-keeper  has  kept  a  scientific  person — falsely  so  called 
— who  was  under  a  written  obligation  to  make  an  annual 
report,  setting  forth  his  belief  in  the  Tower  of  the  North- 
men. So,  too,  the  story  that  the  real-estate  owners  of 
Newport  club  together  and  advertise  every  spring  for  half 
a  dozen  antiquarians  who  would  have  no  objection  to  spend 
a  few  weeks  in  the  country  at  a  popular  watering-place, 
may  be  a  mere  invention  of  the  envious  owners  of  Long 
Branch  property.  Still,  it  is  a  significant  fact  that  no  New- 
port hotel  is  without  its  special  scientific  person,  who  is  as 
learned  as  blue  spectacles  and  a  large  cotton  umbrella  can 
make  him,  and  who  confidentially  expresses  the  opinion  to 
every  newly-arrived  guest  that  he  ought  to  spend  at  least  a 
month  in  examining  the  most  interesting  ruin  in  this  or 
any   other  country,    and   in  studying  the   history  of   the 


3 1  o  SIX  Til  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

Northmen  in  the  very  place  where  the}'  reared  their  strong- 
est tower,  and  where  posterity  has  built  the  most  admirable 
hotels. 

The  latest  scientific  investigation  of  the  mill  has  been 
made  by  a  number  of  ingenious  antiquarians,  who  have  cer- 
tified that  it  is  covered  with  Masonic  emblems,  and  was 
hence  built  by  Northmen  belonging  to  the  fraternity  of 
Freemasons.  It  is  a  little  odd  that  nobody  has  hitherto 
been  able  to  perceive  these  emblems,  and  it  is  equally  odd 
that  the  Northmen  should  have  sculptured  them  on  a  build- 
ing alleged  to  ante-date  modern  Freemasonry  by  at  least  a 
hundred  years.  Still,  when  people  once  accept  as  a  plaus- 
ible assertion  the  story  that  a  ship-load  of  wandering  Vik- 
ings touched  for  twenty-four  hours  on  the  shore  of  Rhode 
Island,  and  employed  that  brief  period  in  building  a  stone 
mill  on  the  exact  pattern  of  those  built  a  few  centuries 
later  by  Yankee  farmers,  they  w'ill  believe  anything.  It  is 
quite  probable 'that  Masonic  lodges  will  now  make  pilgrim- 
ages to  Newport  and  try.  to  decipher  the  JNIasonic  emblems 
which  the  last  half  dozen  antiquarians  have  discovered. 
At  any  rate,  if  they  do  not,  their  successors  certainly  will, 
and  the  latter  will  religiously  believe  that  the  emblems 
which  they  cannot  see  were  plainly  visible  in  1876. 

For  it  is  useless  for  the  isolated  lover  of  historic  trutii 
to  struggle  against  the  organized  propaganda  of  Newport. 
The  Norse  myth  will  be  reiterated  until  it  is  universally 
accepted.  Another  hundred  years  will  suffice  to  establish 
the  imposture  on  an  impregnable  basis,  and  when  our  next 
Centennial  celebration  is  held,  there  will  not  be  an  Ameri- 
can citizen  who  v/ill  dream  of  doubting  that  the  mill  was 
built  by  Northmen  as  a  defence  against  the  fierce  and  dan- 
gerous woodchuck,  who  in  that  remote  period  devastated 
the  country. 


D  YE  AND  DIE  T.  ^  ^ 


DYE  AND  DIET. 

It  is  all  very  well  for  certain  theologians  to  argue  that 
man  is  a  free  agent,  but  they  can  hardly  reconcile  this 
dogma  with  the  fact  that  he  cannot  select  his  own  hair. 
Nature  deals  out  the  regulation  supply  of  hair  to  each  new 
infant  without  consulting  in  the  slightest  degree  the  taste 
of  the  infant  or  that  of  its  parents.  It  thus  happens  that 
there  is  a  vast  amount  of  disatisfaction  among  mankind  in 
respect  to  hair.  The  light-haired  sigh  vainly  for  dark  hair, 
and  the  dark-haired  yearn  for  unattainable  golden  locks. 
Men  whose  moral  nature  imperatively  demand  curly  hair 
are  mocked  with  hair  that  is  as  hopelessly  straight  as  the 
spine  of  a  ritualistic  clergyman  ;  while  the  African,  whose 
hair  curls  naturally  and  closely  longs  for  heaven  as  a  place 
where  crooked  hair  is  made  forever  straight. 

Of  course,  there  are  expedients  by  which  sanguine  na- 
tures try  to  modify  and  improve  their  hair,  but  they  are, 
after  all,  vain  and  unsatisfactory.  Those  who  hanker- 
after  golden  hair,  which  just  at  present  is  the  variety  most 
ardently  desired,  can  have  their  original  hair  bleached  and 
painted,  but  the  result  is  not  worth  the  trouble  and  ex- 
pense. The  intelligent  public  is  never  deceived  into  con^ 
founding  counterfeit  hair  with  genuine  golden  hair,  or  into 
mistaking  the  blue-black  dye  that  conceals  the  grizzled 
locks  of  an  ancient  beau  for  the  work  of  nature.  More- 
over, the  process  of  dyeing  the  hair  is  at  best  a  risky  one, 
A  black  ear,  or  a  golden  nose  are  not  to  be  desired,*  and 
yet  a  slight  accident  with  the  dye-bottle  may  suddenly  pro- 
duce those  startling  phenomena.  Occasionally,  too,  the 
dye  penetrates  to  the  brain  of  the  user,  and  theVesult  is  a 
yellow-brained,  or  black-minded  lunatic.  Still  more  unsat- 
isfactory is  that  hollow  mockery,  the  wig.  No  matter  how 
skilfully  it  may  be  made,  its  insincerity  forces  itself  upon 
the  notice  of  every  observer.     It  is  the  invariable  decision 


312 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


of  those  who  have  yielded  to  temptation  in  the  shape  of 
hair-dye  that  it  is  better  to  wear  the  hair  we  have  than  to 
dye  with  drugs  that  cannot  satisfy  the  soul ;  and  there  is 
not  a  wig-wearer  in  existence  who  does  not  know  in  his 
secret  heart  that  even  the  wild  Indian  of  the  plains  would 
view  that  wig  with  scorn  and  hatred,  were  it  brought  to 
the  notice  of  his  discriminating  tomahawk. 

Painful  and  hopeless  as  have  hitherto  been  man's  rela- 
tions with  his  hair,  a  great  discovery  has  just  been  made, 
which  will  not  only  enable  us  all  to  undergo  a  permanent 
change  of  hair,  but  which  even  places  within  reach  of  the 
intelligent  leopard  a  sure  and  easy  method  of  changing  his 
spots.  Like  many  other  great  discoveries,  this  was  made 
by  accident,  and  though  it  incidentally  cost  a  number  of 
lives,  it  will  be  held,  in  the  estimation  of  most  ladies,  an 
extremely  cheap  discovery  at  the  price. 

In  1875  tl^^  British  ship  Strathmoi'e  was  wrecked  on 
one  of  the  Crozet  Islands,  a  group  of  rocks  that  are  situ- 
ated below  the  bottom  of  the  page  in  most  geographies, 
and  are,  indeed,  among*  the  most  southern  bits  of  land  on 
the  globe.  The  survivors,  who  at  first  fancied  themselves 
extremely  unfortunate  in  being  cast  away  upon  a  desolate 
island,  were  obliged  to  subsist  exclusively  upon  penguin's 
eggs.  The  penguin,  as  all  students  of  natural  history 
know,  is  a  large,  fat  bird,  which  sits  on  the  extremity  of 
its  tail  feathers,  and  divides  its  time  between  laying  eggs 
and  laying  plans  for  the  capture  of  fish.  The  eggs  are  not 
savory,  for,  though  they  are  well  planned  in  point  of  size, 
they  are  injudiciously  mixed  with  more  sulphuretted  hydro- 
gen than  an  epicure  really  needs.  We  can  imagine  with 
what  wry  faces  the  people  of  the  StratJwiore  began  to  de- 
vour these  eggs  ;  but  we  cannot  imagine  the  delight  with 
which  they  recognized  the  remarkable  effect  wrought  upon 
them  by  their  unaccustomed  diet.  First,  their  complexions 
grew  clear  and  fair,  and  then  their  brown,  black,  or  grey 
hair  slowly  assumed  a  gorgeous  golden  tint.  When,  after 
six  months  of  Q.gg  diet,  they  were  rescued  by  a  passing 
vessel,  they  resembled  a  theatrical  company  of  blonde 
burlesquers,  especially  as  their  supply  of  clothing  was  re- 
markably scant.     What  is  still  more  strange,  their  return 


DYE  AND  DIET.  313 

to  the  English  climate,  and  to  English  beef  and  beer,  has 
made  no  alteration  in  the  brilliancy  of  their  locks,  and 
there  is  no  reason  to  doubt  that  they  will  remain  blonde 
and  golden  for  the  rest  of  their  happy  lives. 

With  what  joy  will  those  who  vainly  sigh  for  golden  hc-kir 
learn  that  there  is  balm  in  the  Crozet  Islands  in  the  shape 
of  penguin's  eggs.  They  can  sail  for  that  marvellous  re- 
gion, shipwreck  themselves  upon  the  magic  rocks,  and  eat 
themselves  into  a  state  of  bew^ildering  beauty.  That  thou- 
sands of  our  countrywomen  will  demand  to  be  sent  to  the 
Crozet  Islands  without  delay  is,  of  course,  self-evident, 
but  a  little  reflection  will  show  that  the  desired  end  can  be 
attained  without  the  discomforts  of  a  long  voyage  and  a 
hazardous  shipwreck. 

What  is  the  ingredient  in  penguin's  eggs  w^hich  colors 
the  hair  of  those  who  eat  them  ?  No  chemist  will  have 
the  slightest  hesitation  in  replying  that  it  is  the  excessive 
amount  of  sulphur  which  they  contain.  Every  one  knows 
that  sulphur  possesses  the  property  of  bleaching  vegetable 
fibres  which  are  submitted  to  the  action  of  its  fumes,  and  it 
can  easily  be  comprehended  that  the  survivors  of  the  Strath- 
more  w^ere  thus  transformed  by  the  bleaching  powers  of  the 
sulphur  which,  in  the  condition  of  sulphuretted  hydrogen, 
was  so  conspicuously  present  in  the  penguin's  eggs.  Hence, 
those  who  wish  to  change  themselves  into  yellow-haired 
blondes  need  not  go  to  the  Crozet  Islands,  neither  need 
they  live  upon  penguin  eggs.  All  they  have  to  do  is  to 
remain  quietly  at  home  and  confine  themselves  to  a  diet 
consisting  chiefly  of  sulphur.  The  use  of  sulphur  baths, 
sulphur  ointments  and  smelling  bottles  containing  sulphu- 
retted hydrogen  v/ould  doubtless  hasten  the  desired  effect, 
and  it  is  possible  that  in  the  course  of  two  or  three  months 
of  persistent  sulphurization  even  Gen.  Logan  could  trans- 
form himself  into  a  sunny-haired  blonde  wdiose  beauty 
would  inspire  unusual  confidence  and  esteem.  Hereafter 
we  shall  hear  no  more  of  hair-dye  or  hair-dyers,  and  the  de- 
mand for  sulphur  will  be  so  enormous  as  to  task  the 
resources  of  our  best  volcanoes  to  their  utmost  limits. 


314 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


A  BENEVOLENT  SCHEME. 

Sacred  history  informs  us  that  the  Jewish  public  was 
greatly  astonished  when  the  rather  disreputable  King  Saul 
suddenly  assumed  the  character  of  a  prophet.  With 
similar  a«tonishment  the  English-reading  public  finds  the 
cynical  Saturday  Review  proposing  without  the  slightest 
warning  a  grand  philanthropic  scheme,  which  is  second  in 
point  of  practical  benevolence  only  to  the  famous  plan  for 
supplying  silk  pocket-handkerchiefs  to  juvenile  Africans. 
Improbable  as  such  conduct  on  the  part  of  the  Satiwday 
Review  may  seem,  there  is  no  doubt  that  it  has  seriously 
proposed  the  benevolent  enterprise  of  stocking  uninhabited 
islands  with  pigs  and  rabbits,  so  that  shipwrecked  sailors 
can  celebrate  their  escape  from  the  waves  by  cheap  and 
abundant  dinners. 

That  certain  features  of  this  plan  are  practicable  no 
one  can  deny.  If  a  "  Society  for  the  Propagation  of  Pigs 
and  the  Diffusion  of  Rabbits  "  were,  to  be  formed,  its  agents 
\vould  have  no  difficulty  in  collecting  large  quantities  of 
these  nutritious  animals.  Large  bins,  resembling  in  every- 
thing but  size  the  collection-boxes  now  in  common  use, 
might  be  placed  at  church  doors  and  in  railway  stations. 
In  these  bins  charitable  men  and  women  could  drop  their 
spare  pigs,  and  children  could  drop  their  extra  rabbits. 
At  the  meetings  of  the  society  in  Exeter  Hall  or  elsewhere 
collections  of  pigs  and  rabbits  could  be  taken  up  by  ushers 
provided  with  wheelbarrows,  while  every  Sunday  scholar 
might  be  urged  to  bring  a  rabbit  or  a  young  pig  to  his 
teacher  on  the  first  Sunday  in  every  month.  That  plenty 
of  pigs  and  almost  unlimited  quantities  of  rabbits  could  be 
obtained  by  these  and  other  means  there  is  no  doubt,  and 
so  far  the  Saturday  Revieiu's  scheme  is  certainly  feasible. 

It  will  be  a  much  more  difficult  matter,  however,  for 
the  Society  for  the  Propagation  of  Pigs,   &c.,  to  find  its 


A  BENE  VOLE  NT  SCHEME.  3 1 5 

uninhabited  islands.  Of  course,  there  is  Kerguelen's 
Land,  and  the  Falkland  Islands,  and  a  few  other  extremely 
remote  places  that  are  both  islands  and  uninhabited. 
These  places,  however,  would  not  be  available  for  any 
large  disbursement  of  pigs.  They  are  not  only  small  in 
area,  but  as  they  contain  nothing  that  either  pigs  or  rabbits 
could  eat,  it  would  be  useless  to  stock  them  with  these 
animals  unless  an  auxiliary  society  were  first  organized  to 
supply  the  pigs  with  mud  and  the  rabbits  with  young  and 
valuable  pear-trees.  Unless  more  uninhabited  islands  can 
be  found  than  are  at  present  known  to  the  geographers,  it 
is  plain  that  the  "  S.  P.  P.  D.  R.,"  &c.,  would  suffer  from  a 
plethora  of  pigs  and  a  surplus  of  rabbits  in  its  treasury. 
This  would  be  unprecedented  in  the  history  of  charitable 
societies,  and  would  offer  temptations  to  the  managers  to 
embezzle  their  trust  pigs  for  purposes  of  private  specula- 
tions, or  to  abscond  with  thirty  or  forty  thousand  rabbits 
concealed  about  their  persons,  leaving  the  society  bankrupt. 
But  by  far  the  most  formidable  difficulty  in  the  way  of 
the  society  will  be  to  procure  their  shipwrecked  sailors. 
If  it  is  supposed  that  sailors  in  the  North  Atlantic  trade 
can  be  induced  to  go  and  wreck  themselves  on  Kerguelen's 
Land  merely  in  order  to  eat  pigs  and  rabbits,  the  supposi- 
tion is  founded  on  a  total  ignorance  of  seafaring  character. 
Were  the  society  to  stock  its  desert  islands  with  rum  and 
tobacco,  no  doubt  large  numbers  of  sailors  would  come 
forward  to  consent  to  go  and  be  wrecked  in  the  society's 
vessels,  but  no  such  enlightened  scheme  of  inducing  vol- 
untary shipwrecks  has  as  yet  occurred  to  the  Saturday 
Review  philanthropist.  Of  course,  vessels  occasionally 
pass  in  the  vicinity  of  certain  uninhabited  islands  in  the 
Pacific  Ocean,  and  their  officers  and  crews  might  be  hired 
by  the  society  to  cast  their  ships  away.  Still,  it  is  hardly 
possible,  in  view  of  the  high  wages  which  would  be  demand- 
ed as  the  price  of  voluntary  shipwreck,  that  the  society 
could  really  accomplish  much  good  in  this  way.  In  any 
circumstances,  such  shipwrecks,  being  limited  to  vessels 
in  the  Pacific  trade,  would  be  few  in  number,  and  the 
members  of  the  society  who  should  read  in  its  annual 
reports  of  only  two  or  three  cases  of  shipwrecks  directly  re- 


3i< 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


suiting  from  the  society's  efforts,  would  feel  that  their  pigs 
and  rabbits  had  been  virtually  squandered. 

It  should  be  remembered,  moreover,  that,  unless  fre- 
quent shipwrecks  can  be  achieved,  the  society's  animals 
will  suffer  greatly.  It.is  true  that  when  the  pigs  placed  on 
Kerguele'n's  Land  feel  the  pangs  of  hunger,  they  can  eat 
the  rabbits  ;  but  the  day  will  certainly  come  when  the  pigs, 
having  increased  to  an  enormous  extent,  and  having  extir- 
pated the  rabbits,  would  find  starvation  staring  them  in  the 
snout.  If  at  that  precise  period  a  few  shipwrecked  sailors 
should  come  ashore,  they  would  be  instantly  devoured  by 
the  delighted  pigs  ;  but  no  reasonable  breeder  of  swine 
v/ould  be  willing  to  depend  upon  an  occasional  shipwreck- 
ed sailor  as  the  sole  fodder  for  an  entire  islandful  of  pigs. 
The  pigs  would  unquestionably  starve  to  death,  and  as  the 
result  of  its  labors  the  "  S.  V.  P.  D.  R.,"  &c.,  would  have 
the  blood  of  the  massacred  rabbits  and  the  death  of  the 
starved  pigs  forever  staining  its  corporate  soul. 

Looking  at  the  scheme  calmly,  and  with  a  disposition 
to  encourage  the  benevolent  inventors,  it  is  onh^  too 
evident  that  it  is  impracticable.  Uninhabited  islands  are 
scarce,  and  as  a  rule  are  addicted  to  savage  and  unendura- 
ble climates,  in  which  neither  pigs  nor  rabbits  would  find 
sufficient  inducements  to  live.  Sailors  are  singularly  preju- 
diced against  undergoing  the  process  of  being  shipwrecked, 
and  no  society  could  hire  any  respectable  number  of  them 
to  go  and  be  wrecked  on  an  exclusively  pig  and  rabbit 
island.  If  the  people  of  England  subscribe  their  domestic 
animals  to  any  society  formed  to  carry  out  so  impractica- 
ble a  scheme,  they  will  be  sure  to  regret  their  heedless 
liberality.  If  the  Saturday  Review  really  wants  to  promote 
shipwrecks,  it  must  first  build  an  artificial  island  in  the 
middle  of  the  North  Atlantic,  stock  it  with  rum  and  tobacco, 
and  guarantee  to  every  sailor  who  will  consent  to  be  wreck- 
ed upon  it  a  free  passage  home  at  the  end  of  six  weeks,  and 
a  small  bonus — say,  five  pounds — when  he  presents  himself 
at  the  manager's  office. 


A  NEW  PLEA.  317 


A  NEW  PLEA. 

The  need  of  some  new  plea  in  defense  of  the  poor — but 
honest — murderer  has  for  some  time  been  generally  recog- 
nized by  both  the  legal  and  the  murderous  professions.  The 
plea  of  insanity  was  originally  an  excellent  one,  but  it  has 
lost  somewhat  of  its  weight  through  excessive  use.  At 
first  the  juryman  was  easily  convinced  that  every  man  who 
had  had  a  remote  ancestor  with  a  headache,  and  who  had 
became  addicted  to  the  small  vice  of  murder,  was  unques- 
tionably insane,  and  hence  deserved  to  be  acquitted  and 
licensed  to  kill  on  his  own  or  any  other  man's  premises. 
Of  late,  however,  the  conscientious  and  philosophic  jury- 
man has  fallen  into  the  habit  of  recollecting  that  his  own 
personal  grandmother  was  a  victim  of  headache,  and  has 
hence  argued  that  inasmuch  as  he  must  be  hereditarily 
insane,  he  is  bound  to  commit  the  lunacy  of  convicting  in- 
sane murderers.  Psychologists  tell  us  that  the  strength  of 
the  plea  depended  upon  the  assumption  of  the  congenital 
idiocy  of  juries  ;  and  now  that  juries  have  discovered  this 
fact,  they  are  determined  to  show  the  murderer  and  his 
lawyers  that  the  more  idiotic  they  may  be,  the  more  con- 
sistency requires  them  to  punish  irresponsible  criminals. 

Nature  always  makes  a  point  of  supplying  whatever 
new  want  may  be  developecl.  Thus,  when  the  Atlantic 
cable  was  laid,  there  was  no  insect  which  was  competent 
to  gnaw  through  its  gutta-percha  envelope.  In  a  very  few 
years,  however,  beneficent  nature  invented  an  insect  for 
that  express  purpose,  and  at  the  present  time  the  gutta- 
percha casings  of  marine  cables  are  being  devoured  in  the 
most  thorough  and  satisfactory  way.  We  might  have  been 
reasonably  sure  that  a  new  plea  in  behalf  of  the  murderer 
would  be  invented  as  soon  as  the  want  of  such  a  plea 
should  be  distincdy  perceived.  That  time  having  arrived, 
the   needed  plea  has  also  made  its   appearance,  and  we 


2 1 8  SIXTH  COL  UMiY  FANCIES. 

read  that  in  Belgium  a  man  who  had  been  convicted  of 
two  separate  and  aggravated  murders  has  been  recom- 
mended to  mercy  on  the  ground  that  he  possessed  a  wooden 
leg. 

While  it  is  certain  that  the  Belgian  jury  has  adopted 
the  great  principle  that  a  murderer  with  a  wooden  leg  must 
not  be  hanged,  it  is  not  quite  clear  whether  the  wooden- 
leg  plea  was  urged  in  the  case  in  question  as  a  general 
defense  to  the  charge  of  murder,  or  simply  as  an  extenuat- 
ing circumstance.  It  will  readily  be  admitted  that  a  man 
with  a  wooden  leg  is  peculiarly  liable  to  the  temptation  of 
carrying  a  sharp  knife.  In  moments  of  idleness  he  is 
naturally  apt  to  while  away  the  time  by  cutting  the  initials 
of  his  lady  love  on  the  upper  part  of  his  leg,  or  by  shaving 
down  his  ankle  or  scraping  his  calf  At  such  moments,  if 
he  is  irritated  by  an  enemy,  he  may  readily  be  tempted  to 
use  his  knife  in  less  rtistic  but  more  serious  and  inexcus- 
able carving.  Moreover,  the  wooden  leg  itself  is  equiva- 
lent to  a  concealed  and  deadly  weapon.  The  wearer  has 
only  to  unscrew  it  in  order  to  provide  himself  with  a  stout 
and  serviceable  club,  and  in  circumstances  where  a  man 
with  two  merely  fleshly  legs  would  quietly  withdraw  from 
a  quarrel,  the  wooden-legged  man,  if  of  a  hasty  tempera- 
ment, would  probably  shoulder  his  leg  and  prepare  for 
combat.  It  thus  needs  no  elaborate  argument  to  show 
that  in  many  cases  the  mere  fact  that  one  wears  a  wooden 
leg  is  a  direct  incentive  to  strife  and  violence,  and  may  be 
very  properly  urged  as  an  extenuating  circumstance  in  be- 
half of  the  wooden-leg2:ed  homicide. 

But  it  is  more  probable  that  the  Belgian  murderer  to 
whom  reference  has  been  made  was  recommended  to  mercy 
not  so  much  because  his  leg  was  looked  upon  as  an  extenu- 
ating circumstance,  but  because  it  was  held  to  be  a  valid 
answer  to  the  charge  of  murder.  The  wooden-legged  man 
is  manifestly  different  from  the  rest  of  his  species.  A 
foreign  and  purely  vegetable  element  has  entered  into  one 
leg  6f  his  trousers,  and  who  shall  say  what  effect  its  pres- 
ence may  not  have  upon  his  moral  and  intellectual,  as  well 
as  his  physical,  nature  ?  If  we  remove  part  of  the  skull 
and  a  quantity  of  the  brains  of  a  patient,  and  fill  up  the 


A  NEW  FLEA.  .j^ 

hole  with  silver,  all  physicians  agree  that  the  man  should 
not  be  held  strictly  resiDonsible  for  such  mental  vagaries 
as  he  may  subsequently  develop.  Similarly,  if  we  cut  off 
a  man's  leg  and  supply  its  place  with  either  wood  or  cork, 
it  is  only  reasonable  to  hold  that  a  decided  change  in  the 
man's  character  may  ensue.  How  much  wooden-leg  can 
be  introduced  into  the  human  system  without  any  percepti- 
ble effect,  we  have,  as  yet,  no  means  of  knowing  ;  but  it 
would  be  rash  to  assume  that  a  man  can  have  twenty-eight 
or  thirty-inches  of  wooden-leg  suddenly  incorporated  with 
his  body  without  developing  distinctly  w^ooden  mental 
habits.  If  the  leg  is  made  of  pine,  we  should  expect  to 
find  him  becoming  light  and  inflammable.  If  it  is  made 
of  oak,  a  dull,  heavy,  sullen  demeanor  would  probably  be 
manifested  by  its  possessor.  When  we  recall  the  vicious- 
ness  of  mahogany  furniture,  and  its  malignant  fondness 
for  abrading  us  with  its  corners,  and  tripping  us  up  at  un- 
wary moments,  we  can  scarcely  doubt  that  a  man  with 
three  or  four  pounds  of  mahogany  in  his  constitution  would 
become  a  prey  to  cruel  and  homicidal  impulses. 

Whether  porcelain  teeth  or  glass  eyes  should  also  be 
considered  in  the  light  of  pleas  in  defense  of  murder  has 
not  yet  been  decided.  Doubtless,  however,  the  next  time 
that  a  murderer  with  artificial  eyes  or  teeth  is  tried  by  a 
Belgian  jury,  he  will  escape  as  easil}'-  as  did  the  wooden- 
legged  murderer.  We  shall  have  no  more  of  the  insanity 
plea  except  in  behalf  of  unmutilated  murderers,  and  the 
great  principle  that  crime  committed  under  the  influence 
of  wooden  legs,  false  teeth,  and  glass  eyes  should  excite 
pity  rather  than  reproach  will  be  urged  by  all  skilful 
criminal  lawyers.  The  courts  will  recognize  the  distinc- 
tion between  whole  men  and  composite  men,  and  the  latter 
will  become  a  privileged  class,  and  will  succeed  to  the 
honors  and  immunities  heretofore  conceded  to  murderers 
gifted  with  emotional  insanit}'. 


320 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


ANOTHER  DISTRESSINCx  CASE. 

The  British  mariner  is  seeing  altogether  too  many  sea- 
serpents,  and  those,  too,  of  unnecessarily  large  size.  A  few 
weeks  ago,  we  had  the  story  of  a  British  captain  and  one 
of  his  mates  who  saw  an  immense  sea-serpent  of  a  unique 
pattern,  both  as  to  shape  and  color,  somewhere  near  the 
Straits  of  Sunda,  and  who  were  so  terribly  frightened  that 
as  soon  as  they  reached  port  they  went  before  a  magis- 
trate and  solemnly  swore  never  to  touch — that  is  to  say, 
swore  to  the  truth  of  their  story.  A  little  later,  a  retired 
sea-captain  in  the  Coast  Guard  service  was  walking  along 
the  shore  near  Plymouth,  England,  when  he  saw  a  large 
ship  at  a  distance  of  about  three  miles  from  shore  sudden- 
ly vanish  as  though  it  had  made  itself  air,  like  a  Shake- 
spearean witch.  While  he  was  yet  wondering  at  this 
phenomenon,  he  saw  in  the  place  lately  occupied  by  the 
vanished  ship  what  he  took  to  be  a  large  steamer  with  two 
funnels,  but  which  a  little  observation  proved  to  be  an 
enormous  serpent  with  two  upright  dorsal  fins,  painted 
with  alternate  black  and  white  stripes.  Had  it  been  night, 
the  snake  would  doubtless  have  carried  the  usual  red  and 
green  lights,  and  would  have  burned  a  private  Coston 
signal.  As  nearly  as  the  Coast  Guard  man  could  judge, 
this  sea-serpent  was  six  hundred  feet  long,  and  there  is 
but  little  doubt  that  he  had  just  gorged  the  vanished  ship, 
and  was  on  the  look  out  for  a  tender  long-boat  or  an  appe- 
tizing life-raft. 

Neither  of  these  unhappy  British  mariners,  however, 
saw  sea-serpents  to  the  terrible  extent  to  which  the  cap- 
tain of  a  British  bark  has  recently  seen  them.  On  the  8th 
of  July,  1875,  while  the  bark  was  off  Cape  St.  Roque,  the 
weather  being  fine  and  clear,  and  the  steward  opening  one 
of  the  last  half  dozen,  the  captain  noticed  an  unusual  com- 
motion in  the  water  at  a  distance  of  about  two  miles  on 
the  lee  bow.     Ordering  the  man  at  the  wheel  to  "  keep 


A  NO  THER  DIS  TRESS  I NG  CASE.  321 

her  off  four  pints, your  eyes,"  and  requesting  the 

watch  to  ''  take  a  small  pull  of  them  weather  braces,  you 

lazy ;  slack  the  lee  ones  handsomely, 

you,"  the  warm-hearted  Christian  sailor  steered  for  the 
scene  of  disturbance,  thinking  that  he  might,  perhaps,  find 
a  fragment  of  wreck  bearing  the  body  of  some  unhappy 
fellow-being  with  a  bottle  in  his  pocket.  He  soon,  how- 
ever, discovered  the  true  state  of  the  case.  A  tremen- 
dous battle  was  in  progress  between  a  sperm  whale  and  a 
sea-serpent,  while  two  other  sperm  whales,  who  had  formed 
a  ring,  were  watching  the  conflict  with  faces  expressive  of 
grief  and  alarm.  The  snake,  which  was  from  160  to  170 
feet  in  length  and  7  or  8  feet  in  circumference,  had  taken 
two  turns  with  his  tail  around  the  whale,  bringing  the  tail 
around  the  standing  part  of  him  and  passing  it  through 
the  bight,  thus  making  an  imperfect  but  still  sufficiently 
trustworthy  "  stunsail-halyard-bend."  Having  thus  a  firm 
hold  of  the  whale,  the  serpent  was  tossing  him  up  in  the 
air  and  bringing  him  down  again  on  the  surface  of  the 
water  with  a  violence  that  must  have  proved  excessively 
trying  to  the  whale.  The  battle  did  not  last  long,  for  the 
wiiale  soon  became  totally  exhausted,  and  the  serpent 
sank  with  him  in  order  to  swallow  him  without  the  pres- 
ence of  spectators.  The  two  other  whales  then  swam 
away,  too  much  depressed  in  spirits  to  think  of  spouting, 
and  the  captain  felt  a  "cold  shiver"  run  through  his 
frame.  Fortunately,  he  had  taken  the  precaution  to  lean 
against  the  lee-rail,  and  to  keep  a  firm  grasp  of  the  mizzen- 
rigging.  He  thus  escaped  making  a  spectacle  of  himself 
by  sinking  fainting  to  the  deck,  and  successfully  concealed 
his  emotions. 

In  spite  of  the  care  which  he  naturally  took  of  himself 
after  having  received  this  terrible  warning,  the  captain 
saw  another  serpent  eight  days  after,  when  about  eighty 
miles  from  Cape  St.  Roque.  This  serpent  stood  on  his 
tail,  with  some  sixty  feet  of  his  body  out  of  the  water,  and 
grimly  scrutinized  the  bark  as  if  in  search  of  the  unhappy 
captain.  That  fearless  mariner  instantly  shouted,  "  Gim- 
menaxe  ?  "  and  the  carpenter  having  brought  him  the  best 
axe  on  board  the  vessel,  he  carefully  emptied  his  boots 


322 


SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 


overboard,  to  avoid  any  attack  in  the  rear,  and  announced 
that,  if  the  sea-serpent  wanted  to  attack  an  honest  and  so- 
ber sailor,  he  would  show  him  who  was  the  master  of  that 
vessel.  The  monster,  however,  thought  better  of  it,  and 
slowly  disappeared,  when  the  captain  w^as  escorted  to  his 
cabin  by  the  steward,  where  he  subsequently  wrote  out  a  full 
account  of  the  affair  for  the  London  medical  journals  and 
temperance  societies. 

Why  this  account  w^as  not  published  until  a  year  and  a 
half  after  the  affair  took  place  we  are  not  informed  ; 
neither  is  it  known  whether  the  captain  has  changed  his 
habits^  or  is  still  in  danger  of  another  attack.  There  is 
no  doubt,  however,  that  his  case  is  rather  the  worst  on  rec- 
ord. Other  mariners  have  seen  sea-serpents  of  great  size 
and  ferocity,  some  of  which  have  shown  a  persistence  in 
coihng  themselves  around  the  spectator's  neck  and  stow^- 
ing  themselves  away  in  his  pockets,  Avhich  must  have  been 
very  trying;  but  a  sea-serpent  engaged  in  beating  the 
breath  out  of  a  whale  is  quite  unprecedented.  The  captain 
makes  a  feeble  attempt  to  excuse  himself  by  referring  to 
the  prolonged  heat  of  the  weather  in  the  neighborhood  of 
Cape  St.  Roque.  This  is  not  an  excuse  which  can  be  ac- 
cepted. If  the  weather  was  hot  the  captain  should  have 
tried  cold  baths  and  light  diet,  and  should  have  avoided 
heating  beverages  with  the  utmost  care.  It  is  certainly  to 
be  hoped  that  he  is  a  thoroughly  reformed  man,  but  the 
public  would  have  more  confidence  in  him  if  he  had  hon- 
estly confessed  his  fault  without  attempting  to  apologize 
for  It. 

It  is  plain  that  something  must  be  done  to  improve 
the  condition  of  the  British  mercantile.marine.  Where  one 
captain  confesses  that  he  has  seen  a  sea-serpent,  there  are 
probably  a  dozen  others  who  keep  their  own  counsel.  It 
is  a  terrible  thought  that  at  this  moment  there  may  be  a 
hundred  vessels  at  sea,  under  the  command  of  men  who  are 
seeing  sea-serpents  day  and  night.  Where  is  Mr.  Plimsoll, 
that  he  does  not  expose  this  frightful  source  of  danger  to  life 
and  property,  and  insist  that  no  vessel  shall  be  permitted 
to  go  to  sea  except  in  charge  of  a  captain  who  is  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Good  Templars  or  the   Infant  Band   of  Hope  ? 


THE  RECENT  CALAMITY.  323 


THE  RECENT  CALAMITY. 

In  the  face  of  the  recent  awful  calamity  at  Bloom ing- 
ville,  Iowa,  the  most  reckless  man  can  hardly  avoid  remem- 
bering that  he  is  more  or  less  human,  and  the  coldest  cynic 
must  for  once  admit  that  all  men  are  his  brothers,  up  to  a 
certain  point.  When  a  horrible  catastrophe  strikes  down 
men  and  women  in  the  vigor  of  health  and  the  glow  of 
happiness,  we  are  compelled  to  pause  and  ask  ourselves  a 
series  of  philosophical  and  humanitarian  conundrums. 
Why  was  it  that  we  were  not  put  to  death  by  Nero,  or 
overwhelmed  by  the  Lisbon  earthquake,  or  banished  to 
Siberia  by  Peter  the  Great  ?  When  everything  around  us 
is  bright  and  fair,  we  may  perhaps  answer  these  and  similar 
questions  with  the  flippant  remark  that  we  were  not  born  in 
time  to  share  in  any  such  calamities  ;  but  when  we  are  in  the 
very  presence  of  some  horrible  tragedy,  flippancy  and  skep- 
ticism can  no  longer  sustain  us.  Undoubtedly,  one  of  the 
chief  uses  of  other  peoples'  sorrows  is  to  lead  us  to  ask 
why  such  and  such  things  are  so  and  so.  Let  us  recognize 
this  great  fact,  and  strive  to  bear  the  griefs  that  beset  other 
men  with  cheerful  resignation. 

It  was  late  in  the  season  when  the  mania  for  skating 
on  roller-skates  reached  Bloomingville,  and  the  construc- 
tion of  a  rink  was  begun  and  carried  forward  with  more  haste 
than  ought  to  have  characterized  so  important  a  work.  It 
was  determined  that  the  rink  should  be  ready  for  use  by 
the  ist  of  February,  but  it  was  not  actually  completed  until 
near  the  end  of  the  month.  The  greatest  interest  in  the 
undertaking  was  manifested  by  all  classes.  The  local 
Baptist  minister  gave  a  lecture  on  the  "  Tortures  of  the 
Inquisition  "  in  aid  of  the  rink,  and  a  leading  citizen  who 
had  been  in  Europe  followed  with  a  lecture  upon  the 
Crusades,  illustrated  with  a  plan  of  Solomon's  temple  and 
a  chromo  showing  an  army  of  blue  Israelites   crossing  the 


32  4  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

Red  Sea  and  pursued  by  green  and  yellow  Egyptians.  The 
ladies  of  the  town  gave  a  "  Martha  Washington  Reception," 
and  the  Dorcas  Society  decided  to  divide  the  profits  of  its 
annual  fair  between  the  missionaries  and  the  rink.  Even 
the  local  small-boys  caught  the  enthusiasm,  and  worked 
pious  mottoes  upon  card-board,  which  they  would  have 
sold  had  they  not  quarrelled  over  the  question  which  motto 
was  the  most  attractive,  and  so  strewn  the  streets  with 
fragments  of  "  Blessed  are  the  Peacemakers,"  and  "  Love 
one  Another,"  mingled  with  hair  and  buttons. 

In  time  the  necessary  funds  were  raised  and  the  rink 
was  completed.  The  floor  was  covered  with  a  composite 
pavement  made  of  tar,  fine  sand,  and  other  abstruse  chem 
icals,  and  the  building  was  warmed  by  a  furnace,  the 
"  registers  "  connected  with  which  were  judiciously  placed 
here  and  there  in  the  floor,  so  that  the  skaters  could  readily 
warm  their  feet.  On  the  evening  of  the  26th  of  February, 
the  rink  was  formally  opened  with  a  prayer  by  the  Metho- 
dist minister  and  singing  by  the  Presbyterian  choir,  together 
with  an  address  on  general  topics  by  a  former  justice  of 
the  peace.  Then,  amid  the  inspiring  strains  of  the  Bloom- 
ingville  brass  band,  the  skaters  adjusted  their  rollers  and 
the  sport  began. 

All  went  as  merry  as  an  Indiana  marriage  bell,  which 
is  as  ready  to  ring  for  a  divorce  as  a  wedding.  At  least 
sixty  persons  were  on  the  floor,  and  a  large  number  were 
ranged  along  the  raised  platform  at  the  sides  of  the  build- 
ing, enjoying  the  spectacle  and  peanuts.  Before  long, 
however,  the  rink  became  oppressively  warm.  The  en- 
gineer in  charge  of  the  furnace  was  new  to  the  business, 
and  had  injudiciously  filled  it  too  full  of  pine  logs.  Slow- 
ly the  thermometer  climbed  upward.  It  began  at  58°,  but 
at  9  o'clock  it  had  reached  80°,  and  was  still  rising.  At 
precisely  9.20,  Judge  Bowman,  who  weighed  213  pounds, 
was  seen  to  sit  violently  down,  and  to  remain  seated  in 
spite  of  the  efforts  of  his  friends.  A  few  moments  later,  a 
lady  of  great  moral  worth  and  cubic  dimensions  followed 
the  judge's  example,  and  a  panic  at  once  began. 

There  were  fourteen  "registers"  on  the  floor,  and  for 
a  space  of  several  yards  around  each  one  of  these  registers 


THE  RECENT  CALAMITY.  321; 

the  tar  pavement  had  suddenly  yielded  to  the  excessive 
heat.  As  the  frightened  skaters,  warned  by  the  fate  of  the 
first  two  victims,  tried  to  reach  the  platforms,  many  of  them 
skated  too  near  the  registers,  and  involuntarily  sat  down 
in  the  most  pronounced  manner.  Within  ten  minutes  after 
the  panic  began,  fifteen  leading  citizens  of  Bloomingville 
and  twenty-two  ladies  were  fastened  to  the  floor  as  firmly 
as  if  they  were  express  labels  pasted  upon  nicely  polished 
articles  of  furniture.  Again  and  again  was  some  leading 
citizen  partially  pried  loose,  but  to  the  sound  of  rending 
garments  was  uniformly  added  his  piercing  entreaty  to  be 
allowed  to  resume  his  meditative  attitude  until  he  could  be 
furnished  with  an  Ulster  overcoat.  The  ladies,  with  char- 
acteristic inconsistency,  implored  their  friends  to  aid  them, 
but  when  approached  by  charitable  young  men  with  crow- 
bars, fiercely  demanded  to  be  let  alone.  Over  the  horrors 
of  this  scene  humanity  requires  that  a  veil  should  be 
dropped.  It  was  midnight  before  a  full  supply  of  Ulsters 
was  obtained,  and  the  simultaneously  happy  thought  of 
putting  out  the  lights  occurred  to  an  intelligent  man.  The 
fifteen  leading  citizens  and  the  twenty-two  ladies  were 
finally  extricated  and  carried  to  their  several  homes,  and 
on  the  very  next  night  the  rink  accidentally  took  fire  and 
burned  to  the  ground. 

How  pointedly  this  sad  calamity  teaches  us  that  in  the 
midst  of  life  we  may  sometimes  happen  to  be  in  the  midst 
of  tar  !  This  is  a  solemn  thought,  and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that 
it  will  not  be  lightly  put  aside,  and  that  the  Bloomingville 
calamity  may  inspire  us  all  with  a  firm  determination  never 
to  go  and  do  likewise. 


32  6  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES, 


QUACKERY  AND  SCIENCE. 

To  mistake  a  mere  symptom  for  a  disease  is  the  com- 
mon error  of  ignorant  people  and  quacks  ;  and,  of  course, 
the  medical  treatment  which  is  based  upon  such  an  error 
must  be  entirely  useless,  if  not  actually  hurtful.  For  ex- 
ample, a  pain  in-  the  foot  is  usually  a  symptom  of  tight 
boot ;  and  when  the  symptom  is  mistaken  for  the  disease, 
and  the  foot  is  treated  with  all  sorts  of  lotions  and  other 
palliatives,  the  patient  receives  no  benefit  whatever.  If, 
however,  he  calls  in  a  scientific  physician,  the  latter  makes 
a  careful  diagnosis  ;  finds  that  the  real  seat  of  the  difiiculty 
is  in  the  boot,  and  thereupon  blisters  and  scarifies  the 
offending  boot,  instead  of  the  inoffensive  foot.  No  matter 
what  the  quack  may  do  to  cure  the  symptomatic  pain  in 
the  foot,  th  patient  does  not  improve,  but  no  sooner  does 
the  intelligent  physician  begin  to  plaster  and  blister  the 
outside  of  the  boot,  and  to  fill  up  its  interior  with  laxative 
and  antispasmodic  pills  than  the  patient  feels  strong 
enough  to  rise  up  and  place  that  boot  where  it  will  do  the 
most  good.  Thus  we  see  that  there  is  a  wide  difference 
between  quackery  and  science,  and  that  symptoms  ought 
never  to  be  confounded  with  disease. 

Although  medical  science  has  made  vast  strides  within 
the  last  century,  and  several  novel  and  entirely  incurable 
diseases  have  been  discovered,  there  is  still  an  almost  uni- 
versal ignorance  displayed  in  the  ordinary  methods  of 
treating  the  back  fence.  In  this  matter  quackery  monopo- 
lizes the  field,  and  our  strength  is  wasted  in  futile  efforts 
to  suppress  the  symptoms  instead  of  the  disease.  Now 
the  ^yorst — and  in  most  cases  the  only — symptom  of  a 
well  defined  back  fence  is  the  nocturnal  development  of 
cats.  It  is  this  symptom  which  we  attempt  to  combat 
with  palliatives,  while  we  leave  the  disease  itself  un- 
touched j  and  we  need  not  wonder  at  our  total  want  of 
success. 


Q  UA  CKER  Y  AND  SCIENCE.  327 

It  would  be  impracticable  to  give  in  this  place  a  list  of 
the  popular  quack  remedies  for  cats.  They  are  as  numer- 
ous as  the  infallible  remedies  for  consumption,  and  quite 
as  useless.  Stones,  coal,  bottles,  crockery  of  all  sorts, 
boot-jacks,  other  people's  boots,  borrowed  books,  and  fire- 
arms have  all  been  recommended  as  infallible  remedies  for 
cats  on  the  back  fence.  That  among  these  quack  reme- 
dies there  are  several  which  may  have  a  slightly  sedative 
action  may  be  frankly  admitted.  Thus,  \vhen  Rev.  Mr. 
Smith,  Pastor  of  the  Eleventh  Day  Baptist  Church  of 
Oshkosh,  writes  to  the  proprietor  of  one  of  these  remedies, 
saying:  "I  have  used  your  'Infallible  Feline  Boot-jack' 
with  the  best  results,  and  have  slept  peacefully  for  two 
consecutive  nights.  Please  send  me  two  dozen  more  with- 
out dela}^,  and  make  whatever  use  of  this  letter  you  see 
fit,"  we  need  not  doubt  the  reverend  gentleman's  word. 
If  a  boot-jack,  or  a  bottle  be  suddenly  applied  to  a  cat, 
the  cat  will  temporarily  disappear.  The  difficulty  is,  the 
cat  is  sure  to  return  the  moment  the  effect  of  the  boot- 
jack or  bottle  has  passed  off.  Like  all  other  palliatives, 
the  best  of  these  so-called  cat  cures  have  only  a  temporary 
effect,  and  if  often  repeated,  they  lose  their  power  and 
have  no  effect  whatever  There  are  few  householders 
living  in  a  neighborhood  where  back  fences  prevail  who 
have  not  tried  all  the  popular  cat-cures,  and  found  them 
useless.  It  is  for  this  reason  that  the  nocturnal  cat  is  so 
generally  believed  to  be  entirely  incurable,  except  by  a 
total  change  of  climate.  Persons  who  have  suifered  from 
nocturnal  cats  for  years  have  been  completely  cured  by 
camping  out  in  the  Maine  woods  or  taking  a  sea  voyage. 
Nevertheless,  they  have  always  experienced  a  relapse  on 
returning  home,  and  as  a  rule  they  are  perfectly  convinced 
that  in  this  climate  the  cat  is  incurable. 

If  we  examine  this  subject  In  the  light  of  science  we  shall 
soon  arrive  at  a  very  different  judgment.  It  is  notorious 
that  the  nocturnal  cat  is  uniformly  connected  with  the  back 
fence,  and  that,  in  point  of  fact,  where  there  are  no  back 
fences — as  in  the  Maine  woods  or  on  the  ocean — the  noc- 
turnal cat  is  unknown.  A  very  little  observation,  intelli- 
gently made,  will  demonstrate   that  the   cat  is   simply  a 


328  SIXTH  COL  UMN  FANCIES. 

symptom  of  the  back'  fence,  and  that  the  latter  is  the  real 
disease  to  be  attacked.  We  should  discard  all  boot- jacks 
and  other  palliatives — except,  of  course,  in  emergencies, 
when  the  patient  must  have  temporary  rest  at  any  cost — 
and  should  strive  to  cure  the  back  fence.  When  once  this 
has  been  thoroughly  accomplished,  the  symptomatic  cats 
will  disappear,  and  the  rear  rooms  of  city  houses  will 
become  once  more  inhabitable  by  others  than  deaf  persons. 
The  most  obvious  remedy  which  suggests  itself  is  the 
total  extirpation  of  the  back  fence  by  a  surgical  operation. 
This,  however,  would  be  so  difficult  and  hazardous  in 
many  cases  that  we  should  seek  rather  to  render  the  back 
fence  harmless  by  the  use  of  remedies  less  violent  than 
the  saw  and  axe.  An  alleged  remedy  of  this  sort  has 
recently  been  discovered  by  a  scientific  person,  and  de- 
serves to  be  briefly  described.  It  consists  of  a  parallelo- 
gram of  wood,  or  any  other  material,  two  feet  in  length, 
and  as  wide  as  the  back  fence  to  which  it  is  to  be  applied. 
The  parallelogram  is  fitted  with  upright  wires,  set  close 
together  and  ending  in  sharp  points.  Wlien  placed  on  the 
back  fence,  it  presents  a  complete  barrier  to  the  passage 
of  any  cat.  It  is  claimed  that  this  Back  Fence  Irritant,  as 
it  is  called,  acts  upon  the  principle  of  an  ordinary  counter- 
irritant,  and  creates  in  the  back  fence  to  which  it  is  applied 
sufficient  strength  to  throw  off  even  the  most  chronic  cats, 
and  to  resist  the  development  of  any  new  ones. 

Very  possibly  this  remedy  may  not  be  so  efficacious  as 
it  is  said  to  be,  but  at  all  events  the  inventor  comprehends 
that  the  back  fence,  and  not  the  cat,  should  engage  the 
attention  of  the  medical  man.  If  we  once  cure  our  back 
fences,  we  shall  hear  no  more  of  the  nocturnal  cat.  The 
wonder  is  that  mankind  has  so  long  mistaken  the  sympto- 
matic cat  for  the  back  fence  disease,  and  now  that  a 
scientific  diagnosis  of  the  matter  has  been  made,  we  may 
expect  that  before  very  long  a  specific  remedy  will  be  dis- 
covered. 


THE  BOY  OF  D UNDEE.  329 


THE  BOY  OF  DUNDEE. 

A  BOY  with  two  stomachs  has  recently  been  produced 
at  Dundee,  in  Scotland,  and  his  inventor  has  the  effrontery 
to  describe  him  as  an  improved  style  of  boy.  Useless  in- 
ventions are  numberless,  but  they  do  not  need  the  con- 
demnation of  public-spirited  people,  for  the  obvious  reason 
that  they  can  never  be  brought  into  general  use.  It  is 
different  with  inventions  that  are  demoralizing  and  other- 
wise hurtful  in  their  tendency.  Such  inventions  should  be 
exposed  and  denounced  by  an  honest  and  enlightened  press. 
The  improved  boy  of  Dundee  is  not  only  the  most  uncalled- 
for  boy  now  living,  but  he  is  a  peculiarly  atrocious  example 
of  the  very  worst  type  of  objectionable  inventions. 

There  is  nothing  more  evident  even  to  the  most  super- 
ficial observer  than  that  the  ordinary  boy  has  a  dispropor- 
tionate quantity  of  stomach.  It  has  been  calculated  by 
Sunday-school  superintendents  with  much  experience  in 
point  of  picnics,  that  the  small-boy  between  the  ages  of  ten 
and  thirteen  can  devour  at  a  single  picnic  thirty-two  pints 
of  ice-cream,  eleven  cubic  feet  of  cake,  seventeen  and  a 
half  pounds  of  candy,  and  a  practically  unlimited  quantity 
of  peanuts.  The  consequence  of  this  vast  stowage  capaci- 
ty on  the  part  of  the  small-boy  is  that  the  cost  of  one 
average-sized  picnic  is  equal  to  that  of  ten  assorted  hea- 
then. It  is  well  known  that  nearly  every  large  Sunday- 
school  keeps  a  private  heathen  in  Hindostan  or  elsewhere, 
who  is  fed,  educated,  clothed  with  old  hats,  and  occasionally 
washed  at  the  expense  of  the  school.  It  is  a  painful  thought 
that  the  value  of  ten  heathen  must  be  annually  expended  in  a 
picnic  in  order  to  attract  enough  Sunday-school  scholars  to 
pay  for  a  single  heathen.  This  lavish  outlay  is  directly 
traceable  to  the  large  capacity  of  the  small-boy's  stomach, 
and  no  earnest  superintendent  will  venture  to  deny  this 
fact. 

In  the  domestic  circle  the  immense  quantity  of  food  which 


^2o  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

the  small-boy  can  consume  is  a  source  of  constant  anxiety 
to  affectionate  parents.  How  much  jam  can  be  put  into 
one  boy  has  never  yet  been  ascertained.  Sir  Isaac  Newton 
tried  to  test  the  matter  by  experimenting  upon  a  borrowed 
boy  ;  but  he  tells  us  that,  after  consuming  thirty-seven  pots 
of  jam — the  size  of  which  he  strangely  forgot  to  mention — 
the  boy  calmly  remarked  that  he  was  "  ready  to  begin  to 
prepare  for  to  eat  that  there  jam,"  and  was  abruptly  driven 
out  of  the  house  by  Sir  Isaac's  exasperated  and  misan- 
thropic housekeeper.  There  is  no  doubt  that,  next  to  his 
pocket,  the  average  boy's  stomach  is  by  far  the  most  capa- 
cious of  his  organs,  and  the  criminal  folly  of  doubling  his 
stomachic  capacity  must  be  evident  to  the  most  obtuse 
mind. 

It  may  be  urged  that  inasmuch  as  the  people  of  Scot- 
land notoriously  eat  nothing  but  oatmeal  and  an  occasional 
haggis, — a  bird  so  tough  and  fishy  in  its  flavor  that  it  is 
never  shot  for  the  table  south  of  the  Scottish  border, — it 
matters  very  little  whether  a  Scotch  boy  has  one  or  many 
stomachs.  It  must  not  be  forgotten,  however,  that  Scotch 
ideas  have  a  marked  tendency  to  spread  into  other  coun- 
tries. Scotch  philosophy,  Scotch  theology,  and  Scotch 
whiskey  are  found  wherever  the  English-speaking  races 
exist,  and  if  the  Scottish  boys  were  to  be  generally  con- 
structed with  two  stomachs  each,  we  may  be  sure  that 
among  the  thousands  of  Englishmen  and  Americans  who 
have  adopted  Scotch  Presbyterianism,  the  new  style  of  boy 
would  sooner  or  later  make' his  way.  Moreover,  it  will  not 
do  to  assume  that  even  in  Scotland  boys  can  be  safely  pro- 
vided with  two  stomachs.  The  quantity  of  oatmeal  and 
the  number  of  haggises  in  that  sterile,  mountainous  coun- 
try is  not  unlimited,  and  if  we  double  the  stomachs  of  all 
the  Scottish  boys,  a  famine  would  be  almost  unavoidable. 

We  might  learn  a  lesson  from  the  results  which  have 
attended  the  construction  of  boys  with  two  pockets. 
A  century  ago  a  boy  with  more  than  one  pocket  would 
have  been  regarded  as  a  lusus  naturcB  ;  but  now  every  boy 
has  two  pockets,  and  boys  with  three  or  even  four  pockets, 
are  by  no  means  rare.  Mark  the  result  of  this  unfortunate 
change.     Whereas,  a  boy  could  formerly  carry  about  his 


THE  B  O  Y  OF  D  UNDEE.  33 1 

person  not  more  than  a  peck  of  miscellaneous  hardware, 
glass,  cutlery,  and  tops,  he  can  now  put  all  his  own  porta- 
ble property  in  one  pocket,  and  conceal  fully  one-half  of 
his  father's  personal  property  ni  the  other.  If  we  provide 
our  boys  with  extra  stomachs,  we  may  be  sure  that  they 
will  be  constantly  filled,  either  openly  or  by  stealth.  The 
boy  baby  with  two  stomachs  will  have  twice  as  much  colic 
as  the  usual  baby,  and  will  ruin  his  father  by  an  inordinate 
consumption  of  paregoric,  and  bring  down  his  mother's 
knees  in  rheumatism  to  the  grave  by  the  constant  trotting 
which  will  be  necessary  if  he  is  to  be  successfully  jolted 
into  quiet.  Many  an  honest  and  industrious  man  has 
been  ruined  by  the  ill-judged  present  of  a  pair  of  twins — a 
gift  described  in  the  old  Greek  legend  as  the  box  of  Pan- 
dora. One  boy  with  two  stomachs  will  be  fully  as  dan- 
gerous as  a  pair  of  single-stomached  twins,  and  we  can  im- 
agine what  will  be  the  effect  of  two  duplex-stomached  boys, 
upon  any  father  of  moderate  means. 

It  is  understood  that  the  perverse  Dundee  inventor 
claims  that  this  boy  will  be  of  immense  service  in  African 
exploration,  since  he  is  built  upon  the  principle  of  the  six- 
stomached  camel,  who  is  said  to  utilize  his  stomachs  for 
the  storage  of  water  during  long  journeys  in  the  desert. 
In  answer  to  this  it  is  only  necessary  to  say  that  the 
camel's  ability  as  a  water-carrier  has  been  enormously  over- 
rated. Very  possibly  that  intelligent  beast  would  fill  him- 
self up  with  water  if  he  could  find  nothing  better,  but  in 
point  of  fact  he  usually  fills  his  stomachs  with  something 
more  satisfactory.  Many  a  traveller  who  believed  that  his 
camel  was  a  whole  series  of  receiving  and  distributing  reser- 
voirs has  killed  him  and  cut  him  open  on  the  desert  only  to 
find  his  entire  complement  of  stomachs  overloaded  with 
whetstones,  nails,  broken  crockery,  sewing-machines,  and 
other  delicacies.  As  a  peripatetic  Croton  aqueduct  the 
camel  is  a  failure,  and  the  "  temperance "  people  have 
much  to  answer  for  in  disseminating  erroneous  and  water- 
colored  views  of  that  omnivorous  beast. 

Even  were  the  boy  of  Dundee  to  grow  up  and  become  an 
African  explorer,  he  would  not  waste  his  stomachs  by  fill- 
ing them  with  water.     Accustomed  from  his  earliest  youth 


332  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

to  take  a  little  Scotch  whiskey  for  both  his  stomachs'  sake, 
we  can  easily  imagine  with  what  he  would  fill  them  on 
setting  out  with  the  expectation  of  meeting  with  a  desert. 
The  consequence  would  be  that  he  would  go  reehng  over 
Africa  singing  wild  mathematical  songs,  rehearsing  the 
Shorter  Catechism,  and  otherwise  scandalizing  the  native 
kings  with  untimely  Scottish  humor.  The  simple  truth  is 
that  the  boy  of  Dundee  is  an  irredeemably  vicious  inven- 
tion, and  the  local  Dundee  "authorities  ought  to  lose  no 
time  in  suppressing  him,  and  in  appropriately  punishing 
his  misanthropical  inventor. 


THE  MULE  ABROAD. 

When  Mr.  Carlyle  raised  his  warning  voice  against  the 
Americanization  of  England,  or  as  he  preferred  to  call  it, 
the  shooting  of  a  political  Niagara,  he  asked  what  was  to 
happen  after  the  irrevocable  leap  over  the  cataract.  No- 
body answered  his  question,  partly  because  nobody  knew 
what  the  true  answer  was,  and  partly  because  every  one 
dreaded  to  have  Mr.  Carlyle  retort,  "  You  are  wrong,  as 
fools  mostly  are."  But  time,  which  is  said  to  set  all  things 
right, — though  it  was  never  yet  known  to  set  a  cheap  clock 
right, — has  answered  the  philosopher's  question.  After  the 
shooting  of  Niagara,  the  American  army  mule  has  invaded 
England.  The  worst  forebodings  of  Carlyle  are  now  real- 
ized, and  the  bitterest  enemy  of  England  may  well  forget 
his  hatred,  and  extend  his  pity  to  the  unhappy  British  Em- 
pire. 

Only  those  whose  lot  has  been  cast  in  the  vicinity  of  an 
American  mule,  and  have  been  so  far  repaired  as  to  be 
able  to  communicate  their  thoughts,  know  the  true  charac- 
ter of  that  extraordinary  beast.  The  mule  looks  upon  the 
world  as  a  place  in  which  to  kick.  Archimedes,  who  was 
the  earliest  scientific  person  who  mentioned  the  mule,  re- 
marked that  if  he  were  to  give  his  mule  a  place  detached 
from  the  earth  on  which  to  stand,  that  energetic  animal 
would  kick  all  creation  into  kindling  wood.     This  was  by 


THE  MULE  ABROAD.  ^^^ 

no  means  an  exaggerated  estimate  of  the  army  nmle,  and 
the  fact  that  Archimedes  was  familiar  with  the  animal  shows 
that  the  voyages  of  the  Phoenician  sailors  were  even  more 
extensive  than  has  usually  been  supposed.  But  this  is  a 
digression. 

The  mule's  full  capabilities  never  became  known  until  he 
was  introduced  into  the  army  during  the  civil  war.  In  the 
pFesence  of  strife  and  lawlessness,  the  animal  promptly 
undertook  to  have  his  due  share  of  both.  When  in  camp 
the  mule  generally  managed  to  keep  an  average  of  at  least 
one  brigadier-general  and  three  regimental  officers  con- 
stantly in  the  air,  and  the  enemy  frequently  learned  the 
situation  of  a  Federal  encampment  by  noticing  the  con- 
stant rise  and  fall  of  blue-clad  soldiers  as  displayed  against 
the  clear  background  of  the  sky.  The  losses  resulting  from 
mule  accidents  were  so  enormous  that  they  would  seem 
scarcely  credible  were  they  to  be  mentioned,  but  in  the 
absence  of  official  figures  they  cannot  here  be  given  with- 
out running  the  risk  of  inaccuracy.  As  is  well  known,  the 
mule  is  not  the  only  animal  that  kicks,  for  the  horse,  the 
cow,  and  even  Dr.  Mary  Walker  have  been  known  to  kick 
to  a  greater  or  less  extent.  The  peculiar  characteristic  of 
the  mule  as  a  kicker  is  the  practically  illimitable  distance 
at  which  he  can  kick  his  victims.  The  horse  and  the  other 
animals  just  mentioned,  can  kick  only  within  a  circle  of 
which  the  extreme  length  of  the  leg  is  the  radius.  Thus 
cautious  persons,  by  keeping  out  of  the  circle,  can  save  them- 
selves from  all  injury.  The  mule,  on  the  other  hand,  can 
send  a  brigadier-general  into  the" air  whenever  the  latter 
approaches  within  forty  or  fifty  feet  of  his  hind  legs.  It 
was  the  universal  belief  in  the  army  that  no  man  was  safe 
in  the  vicinity  of  a  mule  unless  he  kept  himself  directly  in 
front  of  the  beast's  head.  This,  however,  was  a  mistake. 
A  learned  scientific  person — either  Prof.  Peters  or  Prof. 
Plarkness  of  the  Smithsonian  Institute — investigated  the 
matter  in  the  v.inter  of  1864,  at  the  request  of  the  Govern- 
ment, and  claimed  that  the  range  of  a  mule's  hind  legs  was 
capable  of  being  accurately  calculated.  The  rule  as  given 
(Smithsonian  Transactions,  vol.  vi.,  p.  84,)  is  to  multiply 
the  square  of  the  radius — or   the  mule's  leg — by  3.14159. 


334  SIXTH  COLUMN  FANCIES. 

Thus,  if  the  hind  leg  of  a  given  mule  is  four  feet  long,  its 
range  for  kicking  purposes  will  be  77.52  feet.  This  corre- 
sponds closely  with  the  majority  of  the  known  facts  as  to 
the  army  mule,  but  it  must  be  mentioned  that  several 
scientific  persons  refuse  to  admit  the  truth  of  this  formula, 
and  that  the  apparently  well-authenticated  case  of  a  sutler 
who  was  found  with  his  head  bruised  and  without  his 
whiskey  keg,  107  feet  from  the  mule  wdiich,  according  to 
the  testimony  of  seven  disinterested  soldiers,  had  kicked 
him,  seems  directly  in  conflict  with  the  so-called  Smithso- 
nian law. 

It  is  this  terrible  animal  which  has  been  introduced 
into  England,  and  is  destined  to  produce  results  in  com- 
parison with  which  the  ravages  of  the  potato-bug  will  seem 
trivial.  How  the  mule  was  brought  to  England  we  are 
not  informed;  but  in  all  piobability  the  animal  secreted 
itself  in  the  cargo  of  some  vessel.  In  this  way  the  potato- 
bug  and  other  objectionable  animals  have  performed  long 
sea  voyages  and  have  avoided  the  most  stringent  quaran- 
tine. How  the  mule  reached  England  is,  however,  a  matter 
of  small  importance.  He  is  there  now,  and  it  will  not  be 
long  before  the  astonished  Englishman,  as  he  sails  swiftly 
through  the  air,  will  be  comparing  the  merits  of  a  mule  and 
a  volcano,  with  a  strong  preference  for  the  latter. 

England  is  a  small  and  densely  populated  island,  A 
mule  that  can  kick  over  the  area  of  a  moderate-sized 
English  county  can  fracture  more  Englishman  in  a  day 
than  all  the  surgeons  in  the  kingdom  can  rqoair  in  a  month. 
Before  many  weeks  are  over,  the  air  of  England  will  be 
dense  with  British  subjects  ascending  and  descending,  and 
the  insecurity  bred  by  the  presence  of  an  animal  wiiich  can 
kick  a  man  who  is  out  of  sight  around  the  corner  will  create 
a  dissatisfaction  which  the  Government  will  find  it  hard  to 
allay.  Mr.  Gladstone  will  write  a  ponderous  pamphlet, 
proving  by  an  elaborate  course  of  reasoning  that  the  mule 
is  addicted  to  kicking,  and  calling  upon  Englishmen,  for 
the  sake  of  humanity  and  the  Protestant  faith,  to  turn  the 
Tories  out  of  office  and  to  put  Mr.  Gladstone  in.  Let  us 
hope  that  the  mule  will  not  kick  the  British  Empire  to 
pieces,  but  at  present  it  cannot  be  denied  that  the  prospect 
is  anything  but  hopeful. 


334 

Thu5 
rang 
sponG 
the   ar 
scienti 
and  tha 
who  wa 
whiske}^ 
the  testii. 
him,  seen 
nian  law. 
It  is 
into  EnglL 
parison  witl 
trivial.     He 
not  informe' 
itself  in  the 
bug  and  oth; 
sea  voyages 
tine.     How 
of  small  imp» 
long  before  ' 
through  the  a  ' 
a  volcano,  wi 
England  ^ 
mule  that   cai 
English   count 
than  all  the  su 
Before  many 
dense  with  Bri 
the  insecurity 
kick  a  man  w." 
a  dissatisfacti 
allay.     Mr.   C 
proving  by  an 
is  addicted  to 
the  sake  of  h 
Tories  out  ( 
hope  that  tJ 
pieces,  but  r 
is  anything 


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